EPILOGUE - CHOICE

JACOBBLACK

"Jacob, do you think this is going to take too much longer?" Leah demanded. Impatient. Whiney.

My teeth clenched together.

Like anyone in the pack, Leah knew everything. She knew why I came here - to the very edge of the earth and sky and sea. To be alone. She knew that this was all I wanted. Just to be alone.

But Leah was going to force her company on me, anyway.

Besides being crazy annoyed, I did feel smug for a brief second. Because I didn't even have to think about controlling my temper. It was easy now, something I just did, natural. The red haze didn't wash over my eyes. The heat didn't shiver down my spine. My voice was calm when I answered.

"Jump off a cliff, Leah." I pointed to the one at my feet.

"Really, kid." She ignored me, throwing herself into a sprawl on the ground next to me. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"For you?" It took me a minute to believe she was serious. "You have to be the most self-absorbed person alive, Leah. I'd hate to shatter the dream world you livein - the one where the sun is orbiting the place where you stand - so I won't tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away."

"Just look at this from my perspective for a minute, okay?" she continued as if I hadn't said anything.

If she was trying to break my mood, it worked. I started laughing. The sound hurt in strange ways.

"Stop snorting and pay attention," she snapped.

"If I pretend to listen, will you leave?" I asked, glancing over at the permanent scowl on her face. I wasn't sure if she had any other expressions anymore.

I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That was a long time ago. No one thought of her that way now. Except for Sam. He was never going to forgive himself. Like it was his fault that she'd turned into this bitter harpy.

Her scowl heated up, as if she could guess what I was thinking. Probably could.

"This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to me? I don't even like Bella Swan. And you've got me grieving over this leech-lover like I'm in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"

"Do I care?"

"I can't stand being in your head anymore! Get over her already! She's going to marry that thing. He's going to try to change her into one of them! Time to move on, boy."

"Shut up," I growled.

It would be wrong to strike back. I knew that. I was biting my tongue. But she'd be sorry if she didn't walk away. Now.

"He'll probably just kill her anyway," Leah said. Sneering. "All the stories say that happens more often than not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha."

This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and shoved against the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my body tried to shake apart.

When I was in control again, I glowered at her. She was watching my hands as the tremors slowed. Smiling.

Some joke.

"If you're upset about gender confusion, Leah . . . ," I said. Slow, emphasizing each word. "How do you think the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It's bad enough that Emily has to deal with your fixation. She doesn't need us guys panting after him, too."

Pissed as I was, I still felt guilty when I watched the spasm of pain shoot across her face.

She scrambled to her feet - pausing only to spit in my direction - and ran for the trees, vibrating like a tuning fork.

I laughed darkly. "You missed."

Sam was going to give me hell for that, but it was worth it. Leah wouldn't bug me anymore. And I'd do it again if I had the chance.

Because her words were still there, scratching themselves into my brain, the pain of it so strong that I could hardly breathe.

It didn't matter so much that Bella'd chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing at all. That agony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life.

But it did matter that she was giving up everything - that she was letting her heart stop and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator's head. A monster. A stranger.

I would have thought there was nothing worse than that, nothing more painful in the whole world.

But, if he killed her . . .

Again, I had to fight the rage. Maybe, if not for Leah, it would be good to let the heat change me into a creature who could deal with it better. A creature with instincts so much stronger than human emotions. An animal who couldn't feel pain in the same way. A different pain. Some variety, at least. But Leah was running now, and I didn't want to share her thoughts. I cussed her under my breath for taking away that escape, too.

My hands were shaking in spite of me. What shook them? Anger? Agony? I wasn't sure what I was fightingnow.

I had to believe that Bella would survive. But that required trust - a trust I didn't want to feel, a trust in that bloodsucker's ability to keep her alive.

She would be different, and I wondered how that would affect me. Would it be the same as if she had died, to see her standing there like a stone? Like ice? When her scent burned in my nostrils and triggered the instinct to rip, to tear . . . How would that be? Could I want to kill her? Could I not want to kill one of them?

I watched the swells roll toward the beach. They disappeared from sight under the edge of the cliff, but I heard them beat against the sand. I watched them until it was late, long after dark.

Going home was probably a bad idea. But I was hungry, and I couldn't think of another plan.

I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded sling and grabbed my crutches. If only Charlie hadn't seen me that day and spread the word of my "motorcycle accident." Stupid props. I hated them.

Going hungry started to look better when I walked in the house and got a look at my dad's face. He had something on his mind. It was easy to tell - he always overdid it. Acted all casual.

He also talked too much. He was rambling about his day before I could get to the table. He never jabbered like this unless there was something that he didn't want to say. I ignored him as best I could, concentrating on the food. The faster I choked it down . . .

". . . and Sue stopped by today." My dad's voice was loud. Hard to ignore. As always. "Amazing woman. She's tougher than grizzlies, that one. I don't know how she deals with that daughter of hers, though. Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah's more of a wolverine." He chuckled at his own joke.

He waited briefly for my response, but didn't seem to see my blank, bored-out-of-my-mind expression. Most days that bugged him. I wished he would shut up about Leah. I was trying not to think about her.

"Seth's a lot easier. Of course, you were easier than your sisters, too, until . . . well, you have more to deal with than they did."

I sighed, long and deep, and stared out the window.

Billy was quiet for a second too long. "We got a letter today."

I could tell that this was the subject he'd been avoiding.

"A letter?"

"A . . . wedding invitation."

Every muscle in my body locked into place. A feather of heat seemed to brush down my back. I held onto the table to keep my hands steady.

Billy went on like he hadn't noticed. "There's a note inside that's addressed to you. I didn't read it."

He pulled a thick ivory envelope from where it was wedged between his leg and the side of his wheelchair. He laid it on the table between us.

"You probably don't need to read it. Doesn't really matter what it says."

Stupid reverse psychology. I yanked the envelope off the table.

It was some heavy, stiff paper. Expensive. Too fancy for Forks. The card inside was the same, too done- up and formal. Bella'd had nothing to do with this. There was no sign of her personal taste in the layers of see- through, petal-printed pages. I'd bet she didn't like it at all. I didn't read the words, not even to see the date. I didn't care.

There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded inhalf with my name handwritten in black ink on the back. I didn't recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For half a second, I wondered if the bloodsucker was into gloating.

I flipped it open.

Jacob,

I'm breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn't want to make you feel obligated in any way. But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I would have wanted the choice.

I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you - for her - for everything.

Edward

"Jake, we only have the one table," Billy said. He was staring at my left hand.

My fingers were clamped down on the wood hard enough that it really was in danger. I loosened them one by one, concentrating on that action alone, and then clenched my hands together so I couldn't break anything.

"Yeah, doesn't matter anyway," Billy muttered.

I got up from the table, shrugging out of my t-shirt as I stood. Hopefully Leah had gone home by now.

"Not too late," Billy mumbled as I punched the front door out of my way.

I was running before I hit the trees, my clothes strewn out behind me like a trail of crumbs - as if I wanted to find my way back. It was almost too easy now to phase. I didn't have to think. My body already knew where I was going and, before I asked it to, it gave me what I wanted.

I had four legs now, and I was flying.

The trees blurred into a sea of black flowing around me. My muscles bunched and released in an effortless rhythm. I could run like this for days and I would not be tired. Maybe, this time, I wouldn't stop.

But I wasn't alone.

So sorry, Embry whispered in my head.

I could see through his eyes. He was far away, to the north, but he had wheeled around and was racing to join me. I growled and pushed myself faster.

Wait for us, Quil complained. He was closer, just starting out from the village.

Leave me alone, I snarled.

I could feel their worry in my head, try hard as I might to drown it in the sound of the wind and the forest. This was what I hated most - seeing myself through their eyes, worse now that their eyes were full of pity. They saw the hate, but they kept running after me.

A new voice sounded in my head.

Let him go. Sam's thought was soft, but still an order. Embry and Quil slowed to a walk.

If only I could stop hearing, stop seeing what they saw. My head was so crowded, but the only way to be alone again was to be human, and I couldn't stand the pain.

Phase back, Sam directed them. I'll pick you up, Embry.

First one, then another awareness faded into silence. Only Sam was left.

Thank you, I managed to think.

Come home when you can. The words were faint, trailing off into blank emptiness as he left, too. And I was alone.

So much better. Now I could hear the faint rustle of the matted leaves beneath my toenails, the whisper of an owl's wings above me, the ocean - far, far in the west - moaning against the beach. Hear this, and nothing more. Feel nothing but speed, nothing but the pull of muscle, sinew, and bone, working together in harmony as the miles disappeared behind me.

If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again. . . .

I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.

Chapter 27. NEEDS

I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSsible.

When I couldn't see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I'd fought in Jacob's room crush me. It was worse that I'd thought - the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.

But I wasn't alone for very long - just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me - smaller, but getting louder and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me - that craved a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didn't say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie's name.

"Are you really ready to go home?" he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn't going to get any better anytime soon. I needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.

So he drove me home - for once not even getting close to my truck's internal speed limit - keeping one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed effort at first, but I didn't give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs - hold them back but not end them. The tears didn't slow. I couldn't seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.

"Wait for me upstairs," I mumbled when we were in front of the house.

He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

"Bella?" Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.

I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.

"What happened? Is Jacob . . . ?" he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. "He's fine, he's fine," I promised, my voice low and husky. And Jacob was fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.

"But what happened?" He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. "What happened to you?"

I must look worse than I'd imagined.

"Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. I'm fine."

The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.

"Was this really the best time?" he asked.

"Probably not, Dad, but I didn't have any alternatives - it just got to the point where I had to choose. . . . Sometimes, there isn't any way to compromise."

He shook his head slowly. "How did he handle it?"

I didn't answer.

He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.

"I hope you didn't mess up his recovery."

"He's a quick healer," I mumbled.

Charlie sighed.

I could feel the control slipping.

"I'll be in my room," I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.

"'Kay," Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing scared Charlie worse than tears.

I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.

Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.

"No, Bella," Edward whispered, capturing my hands. "It's part of who you are."

He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.

This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.

But, though the night dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that.

And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.

Charlie's fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet - he probably got no more sleep than I did.

My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake I'd made, every bit of harm I'd done, the small things and the big things. Each pain I'd caused Jacob, each wound I'd given Edward, stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.

And I realized that I'd been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob that I'd been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward's Bella and Jacob's Bella. But they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.

I'd done so much damage.

At some point in the night, I remembered the promise I'd made to myself early this morning - that I would never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The thought brought on a round of hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it passed, too, when it had run its course. Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water. It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened, though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there; I was aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments I needed to make.

The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance.

Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now. Time would make it easier - that's what everyone always said. But I didn't care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.

When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes - finally dry - and met his anxious gaze.

"Hey," I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.

He didn't answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.

"No, I'm fine," I promised. "That won't happen again."

His eyes tightened at my words.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that," I said. "That wasn't fair to you."

He put his hands on either side of my face.

"Bella . . . are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain -" His voice broke on the last word.

But I had known worse pain.

I touched his lips. "Yes."

"I don't know. . . ." His brow creased. "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"

"Edward, I know who I can't live without."

"But . . ."

I shook my head. "You don't understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It's the only way I can live."

He still looked dubious. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed him so much. . . .

"Hand me that book, will you?" I asked, pointing over his shoulder.

His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.

"This again?" he asked.

"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered . . . to see how she said it. . . ." I flipped through the book, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many times I'd stopped here. "Cathy's a monster, but there were a few things she got right," I muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. "'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and ifall else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.'" I nodded, again to myself. "I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can't live without."

Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it across the room - it landed with a light thud on my desk. He wrapped his arms around my waist.

A small smile lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead. "Heathcliff had his moments, too," he said. He didn't need the book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer and whispered inmy ear, "'I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'"

"Yes," I said quietly. "That's my point."

"Bella, I can't stand for you to be miserable. Maybe . . ."

"No, Edward. I've made a real mess of things, and I'm going to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need . . . and what I'm going to do now."

"What are we going to do now?"

I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. "We are going to go see Alice."

Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to break into a celebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to deliver.

"Thank you, Bella!" she sang as we got out of the truck.

"Hold it, Alice," I warned her, lifting a hand up to halt her glee. "I've got a few limitations for you."

"I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again."

"Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then."

"Don't worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?"

I had to take a few deep breaths. Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.

"Sure."

Alice's smile was smug.

"Um, Alice," I said, keeping the casual, unruffled tone in my voice. "When did you get me a dress?"

It probably wasn't much of a show. Edward squeezed my hand.

Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. "These things take time, Bella," Alice explained. Her tone seemed . . . evasive. "I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility. . . ."

"When?" I asked again.

"Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know," she said, defensive now. "Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!"

It didn't look like I was going to get a straight answer. "Per - who?"

"He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit. He's got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed."

"I'm not throwing a fit."

"No, you're not." She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she turned on Edward.

"You - out."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Bella," she groaned. "You know the rules. He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of."

I took another deep breath. "It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in your head. But if that's how you want it. . . ."

She shoved Edward back out the door. He didn't even look at her - his eyes were on me, wary, afraid to leave me alone.

I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him.

Alice shut the door in his face.

"All right!" she muttered. "C'mon."

She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet - which was bigger than my bedroom - and then dragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment bag had a rack all to itself.

She unzipped the bag in one sweeping movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess.

"Well?" she asked breathlessly.

I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.

"Ah," I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. "I see."

"What do you think?" she demanded.

It was my Anne of Green Gables vision all over again.

"It's perfect, of course. Exactly right. You're a genius."

She grinned. "I know."

"Nineteen-eighteen?" I guessed.

"More or less," she said, nodding. "Some of it is my design, the train, the veil. . . ." She touched the white satin as she spoke. "The lace is vintage. Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful. It's just right for him."

"But is it just right for you?" she insisted.

"Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it's just what I need. I know you'll do a great job with this . . . if you can keep yourself in check."

She beamed.

"Can I see your dress?" I asked.

She blinked, her face blank.

"Didn't you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack." I pretended to wince in horror.

She threw her arms around my waist. "Thank you, Bella!"

"How could you not see that one coming?" I teased, kissing her spiky hair. "Some psychic you are!"

Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. "I've got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work."

She dashed out of the room, yelling, "Esme!" as she disappeared.

I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneled wall.

"That was very, very nice of you," he told me.

"She seems happy," I agreed.

He touched my face; his eyes - too dark, it had been so long since he'd left me - searched my expression minutely.

"Let's get out of here," he suddenly suggested. "Let's go to our meadow."

It sounded very appealing. "I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?"

"No. The danger is behind us."

He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.

The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.

Edward lay next to me and held my hand.

"August thirteenth?" he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close."

He sighed. "Esme is three years older than Carlisle - technically. Did you know that?"

I shook my head.

"It hasn't made any difference to them."

My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety. "My age is not really that important. Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it."

He stroked my hair. "The guest list veto?"

"I don't care really, but I . . ." I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. "I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite . . . a few werewolves. I don't know if . . . Jake would feel like . . . like he should come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."

Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of the sky.

Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.

"Tell me why you're doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?"

I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I'd gone to see Jacob.

"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," I concluded. "And that means Renée and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe itwill make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's much too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." I grimaced at the words, then took another deep breath. "At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."

Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.

"Deal's off," he said abruptly.

"What?" I gasped. "You're backing out? No!"

"I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached."

"Why?"

"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."

"But I -"

"No. We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I've done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So." He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. "We're doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try." He gritted his teeth.

"Edward, no -"

He put his finger to my lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love. I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands."

His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly - but very seriously - against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.

There wasn't much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn't be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldn't breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.

I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.

He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.

Oh, never mind! my less noble side exulted. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.

No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chance to breathe.

"Stop, Edward. Wait." My voice was as weak as my will.

"Why?" he whispered into the hollow of my throat.

I labored to put some resolve into my tone. "I don't want to do this now."

"Don't you?" he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his.

I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could not succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.

He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered.

"Why?" he asked again, his voice low and rough. "I love you. I want you. Right now."

The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.

"Wait, wait," I tried to say around his lips.

"Not for me," he murmured in disagreement.

"Please?" I gasped.

He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.

We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.

"Tell me why not, Bella," he demanded. "This had better not be about me."

Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.

"Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right."

"Who's definition of right?"

"Mine."

He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.

"How are you going to do this right?"

I took a deep breath. "Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."

"I'll bet I could," he murmured, his eyes burning again.

"But you wouldn't," I said, trying to keep my voice level. "Not knowing that this is what I really need."

"You don't fight fair," he accused.

I grinned at him. "Never said I did."

He smiled back, wistful. "If you change your mind . . ."

"You'll be the first to know," I promised.

The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass.

I glowered at the sky.

"I'll get you home." He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.

"Rain's not the problem," I grumbled. "It just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous."

His eyes widened in alarm.

"It's a good thing you're bulletproof." I sighed. "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."

He laughed at the expression on my face. "Highly dangerous," he agreed. He laughed again and then reached into the pocket of his jeans. "But as least there's no need for a side trip."

He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.

Where it would stay - conceivably for the rest of eternity.

Chapter 26. ETHICS

THE COUNTER IN ALICE'S BATHROOM WAS COVERED WITH a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a person's surface. Since everyone in this house was both perfect and impermeable, I could only assume that she'd bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste.

I was careful never to look in the long mirror.

Alice combed through my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion.

"That's enough, Alice," I said tonelessly. "I want to go back to La Push."

How many hours had I waited for Charlie to finally leave Billy's house so that I could see Jacob? Each minute, not knowing if Jacob was still breathing or not, had seemed like ten lifetimes. And then, when at last I'd been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt like I'd barely caught my breath before Alice was calling Edward, insisting that I keep up this ridiculous sleepover faade. It seemed so insignificant. . . .

"Jacob's still unconscious," Alice answered. "Carlisle or Edward will call when he's awake. Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was there at Billy's house, he saw that Carlisle and Edward are back in from their trip, and he's bound to be suspicious when you get home."

I already had my story memorized and corroborated. "I don't care. I want to be there when Jacob wakes up."

"You need to think of Charlie now. You've had a long day - sorry, I know that doesn't begin to cover it - but that doesn't mean that you can shirk your responsibilities." Her voice was serious, almost chiding. "It's more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible."

Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason - a reason that was more powerful than all my fear and pain and guilt - Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into leaving Jacob's side, unconscious or not.

"Go home," Alice ordered. "Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe."

I stood, and the blood flowed down to my feet, stinging like the pricks of a thousand needles. I'd been sitting still for a long time.

"That dress is adorable on you," Alice cooed.

"Huh? Oh. Er - thanks again for the clothes," I mumbled out of courtesy rather than real gratitude.

"You need the evidence," Alice said, her eyes innocent and wide. "What's a shopping trip without a new outfit? It's very flattering, if I do say so myself."

I blinked, unable to remember what she'd dressed me in. I couldn't keep my thoughts from skittering away every few seconds, insects running from the light. . . .

"Jacob is fine, Bella," Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. "There's no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him - what with his temperature burning it off so quickly - you would know that he's going to be out for a while."

At least he wasn't in any pain. Not yet.

"Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?" Alice asked sympathetically. "You must be more than a little traumatized."

I knew what she was curious about. But I had other questions.

"Will I be like that?" I asked her, my voice subdued. "Like that girl Bree in the meadow?"

There were many things I needed to think of, but I couldn't seem to get her out of my head, the newborn whose other life was now - abruptly - over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids.

Alice stroked my arm. "Everyone is different. But something like that, yes."

I was very still, trying to imagine.

"It passes," she promised.

"How soon?"

She shrugged. "A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I've never seen anyone go through this who's chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects you."

"Interesting," I repeated.

"We'll keep you out of trouble."

"I know that. I trust you." My voice was monotone, dead.

Alice's forehead puckered. "If you're worried about Carlisle and Edward, I'm sure they'll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. It's a good thing, too. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures -"

"Please, Alice."

"Sorry."

I took a deep breath to steady myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. He'd been out cold for the process, but it was still hard to think about.

"Alice, can I ask you a question? About the future?"

She was suddenly wary. "You know I don't see everything."

"It's not that, exactly. But you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing else works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro . . ." My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions.

Alice, however, found the question very interesting. "Jasper, too, Bella - his talent works on your body just as well as it does on anyone else's. That's the difference, do you see it? Jasper's abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It's not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. It's outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri - they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn't really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It's no wonder that Aro was so curious about your future abilities."

She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldn't concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it.

She wasn't fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, "He's going to be okay, Bella. I don't need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?"

"One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I don't want specifics, just an overview."

"I'll do my best," she said, doubtful again.

"Can you still see me becoming a vampire?"

"Oh, that's easy. Sure, I do."

I nodded slowly.

She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. "Don't you know your own mind, Bella?"

"I do. I just wanted to be sure."

"I'm only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change . . . or disappear, in your case."

I sighed. "That isn't going to happen, though."

She put her arms around me. "I'm sorry. I can't really empathize. My first memory is of seeing Jasper's face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. I'm so sorry you have to choose between two good things."

I shook off her arms. "Don't feel sorry for me." There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasn't one of them. And there wasn't any choice to make - there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now. "I'll go deal with Charlie."

I drove my truck home, where Charlie was waiting just as suspiciously as Alice had expected.

"Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip?" he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen. He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face.

"Long," I said dully. "We just got back."

Charlie assessed my mood. "I guess you already heard about Jake, then?"

"Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were."

"Are you okay?"

"Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, I'm going down to La Push."

"I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn't kidding around."

I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table. He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual.

"I don't think you need to worry about Jake too much. Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover."

"Jake was awake when you saw him?" I asked, spinning to look at him.

"Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him - actually, it's better you didn't. I don't think there was anyone in La Push who couldn't hear him. I don't know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasn't been using that kind of language around you."

"He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?"

"Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing they're big boys, 'cause that kid's an armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike." Charlie shook his head. "If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella -"

"No problem there, Dad. You won't. Do you really think Jake's okay?"

"Sure, Bella, don't worry. He was himself enough to tease me."

"Tease you?" I echoed in shock.

"Yeah - in between insulting somebody's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, he said, 'Bet you're glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?'"

I turned back to the fridge so that he couldn't see my face.

"And I couldn't argue. Edward's more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, I'll give him that much."

"Jacob's plenty mature," I muttered defensively. "I'm sure this wasn't his fault."

"Weird day today," Charlie mused after a minute. "You know, I don't put much stock in that superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I don't think he heard anything I said to him.

"And then, weirder than that - remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with the wolves?"

I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"I hope we're not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasn't paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didn't even hear me ask what he was doing.

"The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to miss the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an earlier showing . . . of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd.

"Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quil's grandpa. Couldn't quite make out what he was looking for - he just chatted real casual with them.

"Then the howling started again right outside the house. I've never heard anything like it - I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy - had to shout over the noise - if he'd been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain."

I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn't notice.

"'Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, 'cause that's when Jake made it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn't hear it anymore - Jake's cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does."

Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. "Funny that some good should come out of this mess. I didn't think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows what's best.

Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls."

"And . . ." he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. "And Edward was really . . . nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are - like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eyes . . ." Charlie shook his head. "He's a decent guy, Bella. I'll try to remember that. No promises, though." He grinned at me.

"I won't hold you to it," I mumbled.

Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. "It's nice to be home. You wouldn't believe how crowded Billy's little place gets. Seven of Jake's friends all squished themselves into that little front room - I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?"

"Yeah, I have."

Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. "Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. He's going to be fine."

I just nodded.

Jacob had looked so . . . strangely fragile when I'd hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie had left. He'd had braces everywhere - Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he'd looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.

If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.

I put Charlie's dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door.

"Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?"

"Did I forget something?" I asked, eyeing his plate.

"No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor." Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. "Have a seat - this won't take long."

I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. "What do you need, Dad?"

"Here's the gist of it, Bella." Charlie flushed. "Maybe I'm just feeling . . . superstitious after hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel like . . . I'm going to lose you soon."

"Don't be silly, Dad," I mumbled guiltily. "You want me to go to school, don't you?"

"Just promise me one thing."

I was hesitant, ready to rescind. "Okay . . ."

"Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?"

"Dad . . . ," I moaned.

"I'm serious. I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye."

Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. "This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I promise."

"Thanks, Bella," he said. "I love you, kid."

"I love you, too, Dad." I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. "If you need anything, I'll be at Billy's."

I didn't look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled to myself all the way to La Push.

Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward - it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to make this any less painful.

I tapped quietly on the front door.

"Come in, Bella," Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.

I let myself in.

"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?" I asked.

"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been waiting for you."

I flinched, and then took a deep breath. "Thanks."

I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping - coward that I was - that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.

I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.

Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.

It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.

Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage.

I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.

"Hi, Jake," I murmured.

He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.

"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." He sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this." He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.

"How are you feeling?" I mumbled. What a stupid question.

"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial and error. Think he overdid it."

"But you're not in pain."

"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries," he said, smiling mockingly again.

I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die?

The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.

"How about you?" he asked, sounding really concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Me?" I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs. "Why?"

"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actually hurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . ."

It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.

"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!"

His eyes widened in what looked like horror. "What?"

"He wasn't even mad at me - he wasn't even mad at you! He's so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . . well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy."

"He wasn't mad?" Jacob asked, incredulous.

"No. He was . . . much too kind."

Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. "Well, damn!" he growled.

"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?" My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.

"No," he grumbled in a disgusted tone. "I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything?"

"Not even close - what's wrong with you?"

He scowled and shook his head. "I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's better than I thought."

The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.

"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.

"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am - I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks."

"He isn't manipulating me!"

"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think he is?"

"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him," I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. "Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to say anything about that."

He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. "Why not?"

"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything."

"It's true, though," he said evenly. "I did do that."

"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad."

He smiled. "I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. That's worth something."

"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?"

"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel - just so that it doesn't take you by surprise someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?"

I shook my head. "No - I didn't mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?"

He took my question as seriously as I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. "Yes, it's better to have you know," hefinally decided. "If you hadn't figured it out . . . I'd have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could." He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.

This time I did not - could not - resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek.

Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.

"I'm so sorry, Jake."

"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella."

"Not you, too," I moaned. "Please."

He pulled away to look at me. "What?"

"It is my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not."

He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. "You want me to haul you over the coals?"

"Actually . . . I think I do."

He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.

"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."

I winced and nodded. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," I whispered.

"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want."

"No, Jacob," I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. "No! Never."

"You're not crying?" he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed.

"Yeah," I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.

He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.

"What are you doing?" I demanded through the tears. "Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt yourself!" I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands.

He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin. "I can't believe you're crying," he mumbled. "You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didn't mean them." His hand rubbed against my shoulders.

"I know." I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? "It's all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud."

"Do I get points for making you cry?"

"Sure, Jake." I tried to smile. "As many as you want."

"Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out."

"I don't see how," I muttered.

He patted the top of my head. "I'm going to give in and be good."

"More games?" I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face.

"Maybe." He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. "But I'm going to try."

I frowned.

"Don't be so pessimistic," he complained. "Give me a little credit."

"What do you mean by 'be good'?"

"I'll be your friend, Bella," he said quietly. "I won't ask for more than that."

"I think it's too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?"

He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. "Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship."

I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasn't looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . .

"You know that story in the Bible?" Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. "The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?"

"Sure. King Solomon."

"That's right. King Solomon," he repeated. "And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."

"Yeah, I remember."

He looked back at my face. "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."

I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldn't renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more.

I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldn't impose that on him.

We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of something to say.

"Can I tell you what the worst part is?" he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. "Do you mind? I am going to be good."

"Will it help?" I whispered.

"It might. It couldn't hurt."

"What's the worst part, then?"

"The worse part is knowing what would have been."

"What might have been." I sighed.

"No." Jacob shook his head. "I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us - comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . ." He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. "If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . ."

I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world - would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.

Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was.

Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it.

"He's like a drug for you, Bella." His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. "I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."

He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.

"Tell me the worst part for you," he whispered.

"I think that might be a bad idea."

"Please."

"I think it will hurt."

"Please."

How could I deny him anything at this point?

"The worst part . . ." I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. "The worst part is that I saw the whole thing - our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake - I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard."

He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you that."

He shook his head slowly. "No. I'm glad you did. Thank you." He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. "I'll be good now."

I looked up, and he was smiling.

"So you're going to get married, huh?"

"We don't have to talk about that."

"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again."

I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn't break, I answered his question.

"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?"

Jake nodded. "That's true. It's not such a big thing - in comparison."

His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control.

"Yes. In comparison," I agreed.

"How long do you have left?"

"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together." I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.

"Before or after?" he asked quietly.

I knew what he meant. "After."

He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.

"Are you scared?" he whispered.

"Yes," I whispered back.

"What are you afraid of?" I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

"Lots of things." I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. "I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away - I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Renée. . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out."

He looked up with a disapproving expression. "I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried."

"Thanks."

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. "But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . ." He gulped.

"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob - don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?"

He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor.

"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end."

He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.

I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. "You know I love you."

"I know," he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. "You know how much I wish it was enough."

"Yes."

"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella," he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. "You'll always have that spare option if you want it."

I made an effort to smile. "Until my heart stops beating."

He grinned back. "You know, I think maybe I'd still take you - maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink."

"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?"

"I'll think it through and get back to you," he said. "I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay - it might mess up the way the bones are set." Jacob made a face.

"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster."

"Sure, sure."

"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

"Don't get your hopes up, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.

"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here," I promised.

With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.

I leaned in and kissed his face softly. "Love you, Jacob."

He laughed lightly. "Love you more."

He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.

Chapter 25. MIRROR

I FORCED MYEYES - FROZEN WIDE OPEN WITH SHOCK - to move, so that I could not examine too closely the oval object wrapped in tendrils of shivering, fiery hair.

Edward was in motion again. Swift and coolly businesslike, he dismembered the headless corpse.

I could not go to him - I could not make my feet respond; they were bolted to the stone beneath them. But I scrutinized his every action minutely, looking for any evidence that he had been harmed. My heart slowed to a healthier rhythm when I found nothing. He was lithe and graceful as ever. I couldn't even see a tear in his clothes.

He did not look at me - where I stood frozen to the cliff wall, horrified - while he piled the quivering, twitching limbs and then covered them with dry pine needles. He still did not meet my shocked gaze as he darted into the forest after Seth.

I didn't have time to recover before both he and Seth were back, Edward with his arms full of Riley. Seth was carrying a large chunk - the torso - in his mouth. They added their burden to the pile, and Edward pulled a silver rectangle from his pocket. He flipped open the butane lighter and held the flame to the dry tinder. It caught at once; long tongues of orange fire licked rapidly across the pyre.

"Get every piece," Edward said in a low aside to Seth.

Together, the vampire and the werewolf scoured the campsite, occasionally tossing small lumps of white stone into the blaze. Seth handled the pieces with his teeth. My brain wasn't working well enough for me to understand why he didn't change back to a form with hands.

Edward kept his eyes on his work.

And then they were done, and the raging fire was sending a pillar of choking purple toward the sky. The thick smoke curled up slowly, looking more solid than it should; it smelled like burning incense, and the scent was uncomfortable. It was heavy, too strong.

Seth made that snickering sound again, deep in his chest.

A smile flickered across Edward's tense face.

Edward stretched out his arm, his hand curled into a fist. Seth grinned, revealing the long row of dagger teeth, and bumped his nose against Edward's hand.

"Nice teamwork," Edward murmured.

Seth coughed a laugh.

Then Edward took a deep breath, and turned slowly to face me.

I did not understand his expression. His eyes were as wary as if I were another enemy - more than wary, they were afraid. Yet he'd shown no fear at all when he'd faced Victoria and Riley. . . . My mind was stuck, stunned and useless as my body. I stared at him, bewildered.

"Bella, love," he said in his softest tone, walking toward me with exaggerated slowness, his hands held up, palms forward. Dazed as I was, it reminded me oddly of a suspect approaching a policeman, showing that he wasn't armed. . . .

"Bella, can you drop the rock, please? Carefully. Don't hurt yourself."

I'd forgotten all about my crude weapon, though I realized now that I was grasping it so hard that my knuckle was screaming in protest. Was it rebroken? Carlisle would put me in a cast for sure this time.

Edward hesitated a few feet from me, his hands still in the air, his eyes still fearful.

It took me a few long seconds to remember how to move my fingers. Then the rock clattered to the ground, while my hand stayed frozen in the same position.

Edward relaxed slightly when my hands were empty, but came no closer.

"You don't have to be afraid, Bella," Edward murmured. "You're safe. I won't hurt you."

The mystifying promise only confused me further. I stared at him like an imbecile, trying to understand.

"It's going to be all right, Bella. I know you're frightened now, but it's over. No one is going to hurt you. I won't touch you. I won't hurt you," he said again.

My eyes blinked furiously, and I found my voice. "Why do you keep saying that?"

I took an unsteady step toward him, and he leaned away from my advance.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. "What do you mean?"

"Are you . . ." His golden eyes were suddenly as confused as I felt. "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Afraid of you? Why?"

I staggered forward another step, and then tripped over something - my own feet probably. Edward caught me, and I buried my face in his chest and started to sob.

"Bella, Bella, I'm so sorry. It's over, it's over."

"I'm fine," I gasped. "I'm okay. I'm just. Freaking out. Give me. A minute."

His arms tightened around me. "I'm so sorry," he murmured again and again.

I clung to him until I could breathe, and then I was kissing him - his chest, his shoulder, his neck - every part of him that I could reach. Slowly, my brain started to work again.

"Are you okay?" I demanded between kisses. "Did she hurt you at all?"

"I am absolutely fine," he promised, burying his face in my hair.

"Seth?"

Edward chuckled. "More than fine. Very pleased with himself, in fact."

"The others? Alice, Esme? The wolves?

"All fine. It's over there, too. It went just as smoothly as I promised. We got the worst of it here."

I let myself absorb that for a moment, let it sink in and settle in my head.

My family and my friends were safe. Victoria was never coming after me again. It was over.

We were all going to be fine.

But I couldn't completely take in the good news while I was still so confused.

"Tell me why," I insisted. "Why did you think I would be afraid of you?"

"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing yet again - for what? I had no idea. "So sorry. I didn't want you to see that. See me like that. I know I must have terrified you."

I had to think about that for another minute, about the hesitant way he'd approached me, his hands in the air. Like I was going to run if he moved too fast. . . .

"Seriously?" I finally asked. "You . . . what? Thought you'd scared me off?" I snorted. Snorting was good; a voice couldn't tremble or break during a snort. It sounded impressively offhand.

He put his hand under my chin and tilted my head back to read my face.

"Bella, I just" - he hesitated and then forced the words out - "I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn't bother you?"

He frowned at me.

I shrugged. Shrugging was good, too. Very blasé. "Not really. I was only afraid that you and Seth were going to get hurt. I wanted to help, but there's only so much I can do. . . ."

His suddenly livid expression made my voice fade out.

"Yes," he said, his tone clipped. "Your little stunt with the rock. You know that you nearly gave me a heart attack? Not the easiest thing to do, that."

His furious glower made it hard to answer.

"I wanted to help . . . Seth was hurt. . . ."

"Seth was only feigning that he was hurt, Bella. It was a trick. And then you . . . !" He shook his head, unable to finish. "Seth couldn't see what you were doing, so I had to step in. Seth's a bit disgruntled that he can't claim a single-handed defeat now."

"Seth was . . . faking?"

Edward nodded sternly.

"Oh."

We both looked at Seth, who was studiously ignoring us, watching the flames. Smugness radiated from every hair in his fur.

"Well, I didn't know that," I said, on the offense now. "And it's not easy being the only helpless person around. Just you wait till I'm a vampire! I'm not going to be sitting on the sidelines next time."

A dozen emotions flitted across his face before he settled on being amused. "Next time? Did you anticipate another war soon?"

"With my luck? Who knows?"

He rolled his eyes, but I could see that he was flying - the relief was making us both lightheaded. It was over.

Or . . . was it?

"Hold on. Didn't you say something before - ?" I flinched, remembering what exactly it had been before - what was I going to say to Jacob? My splintered heart throbbed out a painful, aching beat. It was hard to believe, almost impossible, but the hardest part of this day was not behind me - and then I soldiered on. "About a complication? And Alice, needing to nail down the schedule for Sam. You said it was going to be close. What was going to be close?"

Edward's eyes flickered back to Seth, and they exchanged a loaded glance.

"Well?" I asked.

"It's nothing, really," Edward said quickly. "But we do need to be on our way. . . ."

He started to pull me into place on his back, but I stiffened and drew away.

"Define nothing."

Edward took my face between his palms. "We only have a minute, so don't panic, all right? I told you that you had no reason to be afraid. Trust me on that, please?"

I nodded, trying to hide the sudden terror - how much more could I handle before I collapsed? "No reason to be afraid. Got it."

He pursed his lips for a second, deciding what to say. And then he glanced abruptly at Seth, as if the wolf had called him.

"What's she doing?" Edward asked.

Seth whined; it was an anxious, uneasy sound. It made the hair on the back of my neck rise.

Everything was dead silent for one endless second.

And then Edward gasped, "No!" and one of his hands flew out as if to grab something that I couldn't see. "Don't -!"

A spasm rocked through Seth's body, and a howl, blistering with agony, ripped from his lungs.

Edward fell to his knees at the exact same moment, gripping the sides of his head with two hands, his face furrowed in pain.

I screamed once in bewildered terror, and dropped to my knees beside him. Stupidly, I tried to pull his hands from his face; my palms, clammy with sweat, slid off his marble skin.

"Edward! Edward!"

His eyes focused on me; with obvious effort, he pulled his clenched teeth apart.

"It's okay. We're going to be fine. It's -" He broke off, and winced again.

"What's happening?" I cried out while Seth howled in anguish.

"We're fine. We're going to be okay," Edward gasped. "Sam - help him -"

And I realized in that instant, when he said Sam's name, that he was not speaking of himself and Seth. No unseen force was attacking them. This time, the crisis was not here.

He was using the pack plural.

I'd burned through all my adrenaline. My body had nothing left. I sagged, and Edward caught me before I could hit the rocks. He sprang to his feet, me in his arms.

"Seth!" Edward shouted.

Seth was crouched, still tensed in agony, looking as if he meant to launch himself into the forest.

"No!" Edward ordered. "You go straight home. Now. As fast as you can!"

Seth whimpered, shaking his great head from side to side.

"Seth. Trust me."

The huge wolf stared into Edward's agonized eyes for one long second, and then he straightened up and flew into the trees, disappearing like a ghost.

Edward cradled me tightly against his chest, and then we were also hurtling through the shadowy forest, taking a different path than the wolf.

"Edward." I fought to force the words through my constricted throat. "What happened, Edward? What happened to Sam? Where are we going? What's happening?"

"We have to go back to the clearing," he told me in a low voice. "We knew there was a good probability of this happening. Earlier this morning, Alice saw it and passed it through Sam to Seth. The Volturi decided it was time to intercede."

The Volturi.

Too much. My mind refused to make sense of the words, pretended it couldn't understand.

The trees jolted past us. He was running downhill so fast that it felt as if we were plummeting, falling out of control.

"Don't panic. They aren't coming for us. It's just the normal contingent of the guard that usually cleans up this kind of mess. Nothing momentous, they're merely doing their job. Of course, they seem to have timed their arrival very carefully. Which leads me to believe that no one in Italy would mourn if these newborns had reduced the size of the Cullen family." The words came through his teeth, hard and bleak. "I'll know for sure what they were thinking when they get to the clearing."

"Is that why we're going back?" I whispered. Could I handle this? Images of flowing black robes crept into my unwilling mind, and I flinched away from them. I was close to a breaking point.

"It's part of the reason. Mostly, it will be safer for us to present a united front at this point. They have no reason to harass us, but . . . Jane's with them. If she thought we were alone somewhere away from the others, it might tempt her. Like Victoria, Jane will probably guess that I'm with you. Demetri, of course, is with her. He could find me, if Jane asked him to."

I didn't want to think that name. I didn't want to see that blindingly exquisite, childlike face in my head. A strange sound came out of my throat.

"Shh, Bella, shh. It's all going to be fine. Alice can see that."

Alice could see? But . . . then where were the wolves? Where was the pack?

"The pack?"

"They had to leave quickly. The Volturi do not honor truces with werewolves."

I could hear my breathing get faster, but I couldn't control it. I started to gasp.

"I swear they will be fine," Edward promised me. "The Volturi won't recognize the scent - they won't realize the wolves are here; this isn't a species they are familiar with. The pack will be fine."

I couldn't process his explanation. My concentration was ripped to shreds by my fears. We're going to be fine, he had said before . . . and Seth, howling in agony . . . Edward had avoided my first question, distracted me with the Volturi. . . .

I was very close to the edge - just clinging by my fingertips.

The trees were a racing blur that flowed around him like jade waters.

"What happened?" I whispered again. "Before. When Seth was howling? When you were hurt?"

Edward hesitated.

"Edward! Tell me!"

"It was all over," he whispered. I could barely hear him over the wind his speed created. "The wolves didn't count their half . . . they thought they had them all. Of course, Alice couldn't see. . . ."

"What happened?!"

"One of the newborns was hiding. . . . Leah found him - she was being stupid, cocky, trying to prove something. She engaged him alone. . . ."

"Leah," I repeated, and I was too weak to feel shame for the relief that flooded through me. "Is she going to be okay?"

"Leah wasn't hurt," Edward mumbled.

I stared at him for a long second.

Sam - help him - Edward had gasped. Him, not her.

"We're almost there," Edward said, and he stared at a fixed point in the sky.

Automatically, my eyes followed his. There was a dark purple cloud hanging low over the trees. A cloud? But it was so abnormally sunny. . . . No, not a cloud - I recognized the thick column of smoke, just like the one at our campsite.

"Edward," I said, my voice nearly inaudible. "Edward, someone got hurt."

I'd heard Seth's agony, seen the torture in Edward's face.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Who?" I asked, though, of course, I already knew the answer.

Of course I did. Of course.

The trees were slowing around us as we came to our destination.

It took him a long moment to answer me.

"Jacob," he said.

I was able to nod once.

"Of course," I whispered.

And then I slipped off the edge I was clinging to inside my head.

Everything went black.

I was first aware of the cool hands touching me. More than one pair of hands. Arms holding me, a palm curved to fit my cheek, fingers stroking my forehead, and more fingers pressed lightly into my wrist.

Then I was aware of the voices. They were just ahumming at first, and then they grew in volume and clarity like someone was turning up a radio.

"Carlisle - it's been five minutes." Edward's voice, anxious.

"She'll come around when she's ready, Edward." Carlisle's voice, always calm and sure. "She's had too much to deal with today. Let her mind protect itself."

But my mind was not protected. It was trapped in the knowledge that had not left me, even in unconsciousness - the pain that was part of the blackness.

I felt totally disconnected from my body. Like I was caged in some small corner of my head, no longer at the controls. But I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't think. The agony was too strong for that. There was no escape from it.

Jacob.

Jacob.

No, no, no, no, no . . .

"Alice, how long do we have?" Edward demanded, his voice still tense; Carlisle's soothing words had not helped.

From farther away, Alice's voice. It was brightly chipper. "Another five minutes. And Bella will open her eyes in thirty-seven seconds. I wouldn't doubt that she can hear us now."

"Bella, honey?" This was Esme's soft, comforting voice. "Can you hear me? You're safe now, dear."

Yes, I was safe. Did that really matter?

Then cool lips were at my ear, and Edward was speaking the words that allowed me to escape from the torture that had me caged inside my own head.

"He's going to live, Bella. Jacob Black is healing as I speak. He'll be fine."

As the pain and dread eased, I found my way back to my body. My eyelids fluttered.

"Oh, Bella," Edward sighed in relief, and his lips touched mine.

"Edward," I whispered.

"Yes, I'm here."

I got my lids to open, and I stared into warm gold.

"Jacob is okay?" I asked.

"Yes," he promised.

I watched his eyes carefully for some sign that he was placating me, but they were perfectly clear.

"I examined him myself," Carlisle said then; I turned my head to find his face, only a few feet away. Carlisle's expression was serious and reassuring at the same time. It was impossible to doubt him. "His life is not in any danger. He was healing at an incredible rate, though his injuries were extensive enough that it will still be a few days before he is back to normal, even if the rate of repair holds steady. As soon as we're done here, I will do what I can to help him. Sam is trying to get him to phase back to his human form. That will make treating him easier." Carlisle smiled slightly. "I've never been to veterinarian school."

"What happened to him?" I whispered. "How bad are his injuries?"

Carlisle's face was serious again. "Another wolf was in trouble -"

"Leah," I breathed.

"Yes. He knocked her out of the way, but he didn't have time to defend himself. The newborn got his arms around him. Most of the bones on the right half of his body were shattered."

I flinched.

"Sam and Paul got there in time. He was already improving when they took him back to La Push."

"He'll be back to normal?" I asked.

"Yes, Bella. He won't have any permanent damage."

I took a deep breath.

"Three minutes," Alice said quietly.

I struggled, trying to get vertical. Edward realized what I was doing and helped me to my feet.

I stared at the scene in front of me.

The Cullens stood in a loose semicircle around the bonfire. There were hardly any flames visible, just the thick, purple-black smoke, hovering like a disease against the bright grass. Jasper stood closest to the solid- seeming haze, in its shadow so that his skin did not glitter brilliantly in the sun the way the others did. He had his back to me, his shoulders tense, his arms slightly extended. There was something there, in his shadow. Something he crouched over with wary intensity. . . .

I was too numb to feel more than a mild shock when I realized what it was.

There were eight vampires in the clearing.

The girl was curled into a small ball beside the flames, her arms wrapped around her legs. She was very young. Younger than me - she looked maybe fifteen, dark-haired and slight. Her eyes were focused on me, and the irises were a shocking, brilliant red. Much brighter than Riley's, almost glowing. They wheeled wildly, out of control.

Edward saw my bewildered expression.

"She surrendered," he told me quietly. "That's one I've never seen before. Only Carlisle would think of offering. Jasper doesn't approve."

I couldn't tear my gaze away from the scene beside the fire. Jasper was rubbing absently at his left forearm.

"Is Jasper all right?" I whispered.

"He's fine. The venom stings."

"He was bitten?" I asked, horrified.

"He was trying to be everywhere at once. Trying to make sure Alice had nothing to do, actually." Edward shook his head. "Alice doesn't need anyone's help."

Alice grimaced toward her true love. "Overprotective fool."

The young female suddenly threw her head back like an animal and wailed shrilly.

Jasper growled at her and she cringed back, but her fingers dug into the ground like claws and her head whipped back and forth in anguish. Jasper took a step toward her, slipping deeper into his crouch. Edward moved with overdone casualness, turning our bodies so that he was between the girl and me. I peeked around his arm to watch the thrashing girl and Jasper.

Carlisle was at Jasper's side in an instant. He put a restraining hand on his most recent son's arm.

"Have you changed your mind, young one?" Carlisle asked, calm as ever. "We don't want to destroy you, but we will if you can't control yourself."

"How can you stand it?" the girl groaned in a high, clear voice. "I want her." Her bright crimson irises focused on Edward, through him, beyond him to me, and her nails ripped through the hard soil again.

"You must stand it," Carlisle told her gravely. "You must exercise control. It is possible, and it is the only thing that will save you now."

The girl clutched her dirt-encrusted hands around her head, yowling quietly.

"Shouldn't we move away from her?" I whispered, tugging on Edward's arm. The girl's lips pulled back over her teeth when she heard my voice, her expression one of torment.

"We have to stay here," Edward murmured. "They are coming to the north end of the clearing now."

My heart burst into a sprint as I scanned the clearing, but I couldn't see anything past the thick pall of smoke.

After a second of fruitless searching, my gaze crept back to the young female vampire. She was still watching me, her eyes half-mad.

I met the girl's stare for a long moment. Chin-length dark hair framed her face, which was alabaster pale. It was hard to tell if her features were beautiful, twisted as they were by rage and thirst. The feral red eyes were dominant - hard to look away from. She glared at me viciously, shuddering and writhing every few seconds.

I stared at her, mesmerized, wondering if I were looking into a mirror of my future.

Then Carlisle and Jasper began to back toward the rest of us. Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme all converged hastily around where Edward stood with Alice and me. A united front, as Edward had said, with me at the heart, in the safest place.

I tore my attention away from the wild girl to search for the approaching monsters.

There was stillnothing to see. I glanced at Edward, and his eyes were locked straight ahead. I tried to follow his gaze, but there was only the smoke - dense, oily smoke twisting low to the ground, rising lazily, undulating against the grass.

It billowed forward, darker in the middle.

"Hmm," a dead voice murmured from the mist. I recognized the apathy at once.

"Welcome, Jane." Edward's tone was coolly courteous.

The dark shapes came closer, separating themselves from the haze, solidifying. I knew it would be Jane in the front - the darkest cloak, almost black, and the smallest figure by more than two feet. I could just barely make out Jane's angelic features in the shade of the cowl.

The four gray-shrouded figures hulking behind her were also somewhat familiar. I was sure I recognized the biggest one, and while I stared, trying to confirm my suspicion, Felix looked up. He let his hood fall back slightly so that I could see him wink at me and smile. Edward was very still at my side, tightly in control.

Jane's gaze moved slowly across the luminous faces of the Cullens and then touched on the newborn girl beside the fire; the newborn had her head in her hands again.

"I don't understand." Jane's voice was toneless, but not quite as uninterested as before.

"She has surrendered," Edward explained, answering the confusion in her mind.

Jane's dark eyes flashed to his face. "Surrendered?"

Felix and another shadow exchanged a quick glance.

Edward shrugged. "Carlisle gave her the option."

"There are no options for those who break the rules," Jane said flatly.

Carlisle spoke then, his voice mild. "That's in your hands. As long as she was willing to halt her attack on us, I saw no need to destroy her. She was never taught."

"That is irrelevant," Jane insisted.

"As you wish."

Jane stared at Carlisle in consternation. She shook her head infinitesimally, and then composed her features.

"Aro hoped that we would get far enough west to see you, Carlisle. He sends his regards."

Carlisle nodded. "I would appreciate it if you would convey mine to him."

"Of course." Jane smiled. Her face was almost too lovely when it was animated. She looked back toward the smoke. "It appears that you've done our work for us today . . . for the most part." Her eyes flickered to the hostage. "Just out of professional curiosity, how many were there? They left quite a wake of destruction in Seattle."

"Eighteen, including this one," Carlisle answered.

Jane's eyes widened, and she looked at the fire again, seeming to reassess the size of it. Felix and the other shadow exchanged a longer glance.

"Eighteen?" she repeated, her voice sounding unsure for the first time.

"All brand-new," Carlisle said dismissively. "They were unskilled."

"All?" Her voice turned sharp. "Then who was their creator?"

"Her name was Victoria," Edward answered, no emotion in his voice.

"Was?" Jane asked.

Edward inclined his head toward the eastern forest. Jane's eyes snapped up and focused on something far in the distance. The other pillar of smoke? I didn't look away to check.

Jane stared to the east for a long moment, and then examined the closer bonfire again.

"This Victoria - she was in addition to the eighteen here?"

"Yes. She had only one other with her. He was not as young as this one here, but no older than a year."

"Twenty," Jane breathed. "Who dealt with the creator?"

"I did," Edward told her.

Jane's eyes narrowed, and she turned to the girl beside the fire.

"You there," she said, her dead voice harsher than before. "Your name."

The newborn shot a baleful glare at Jane, her lips pressed tightly together.

Jane smiled back angelically.

The newborn girl's answering scream was ear-piercing; her body arched stiffly into a distorted, unnatural position. I looked away, fighting the urge to cover my ears. I gritted my teeth, hoping to control my stomach. The screaming intensified. I tried to concentrate on Edward's face, smooth and unemotional, but that made me remember when it had been Edward under Jane's torturing gaze, and I felt sicker. I looked at Alice instead, and Esme next to her. Their faces were as empty as his.

Finally, it was quiet.

"Your name," Jane said again, her voice inflectionless.

"Bree," the girl gasped.

Jane smiled, and the girl shrieked again. I held my breath until the sound of her agony stopped.

"She'll tell you anything you want to know," Edward said through his teeth. "You don't have to do that."

Jane looked up, sudden humor in her usually dead eyes. "Oh, I know," she said to Edward, grinning at him before she turned back to the young vampire, Bree.

"Bree," Jane said, her voice cold again. "Is his story true? Were there twenty of you?"
The girl lay panting, the side of her face pressed against the earth. She spoke quickly. "Nineteen or twenty, maybe more, I don't know!" She cringed, terrified that her ignorance might bring on another round of torture. "Sara and the one whose name I don't know got in a fight on the way. . . ."

"And this Victoria - did she create you?"

"I don't know," she said, flinching again. "Riley never said her name. I didn't see that night . . . it was so dark, and it hurt. . . ." Bree shuddered. "He didn't want us to be able to think of her. He said that our thoughts weren't safe. . . ."

Jane's eyes flickered to Edward, and then back to the girl.

Victoria had planned this well. If she hadn't followed Edward, there would have been no way to know for certain that she was involved. . . .

"Tell me about Riley," Jane said. "Why did he bring you here?"

"Riley told us that we had to destroy the strange yellow-eyes here," Bree babbled quickly and willingly.

"He said it would be easy. He said that the city was theirs, and they were coming to get us. He said once they were gone, all the blood would be ours. He gave us her scent." Bree lifted one hand and stabbed a finger in my direction. "He said we would know that we had the right coven, because she would be with them. He said whoever got to her first could have her."

I heard Edward's jaw flex beside me.

"It looks like Riley was wrong about the easy part," Jane noted.

Bree nodded, seeming relieved that the conversation had taken this non-painful course. She sat up carefully. "I don't know what happened. We split up, but the others never came. And Riley left us, and he didn't come to help like he promised. And then it was so confusing, and everybody was in pieces." She shuddered again. "I was afraid. I wanted to run away. That one" - she looked at Carlisle - "said they wouldn't hurt me if I stopped fighting."

"Ah, but that wasn't his gift to offer, young one," Jane murmured, her voice oddly gentle now. "Broken rules demand a consequence."

Bree stared at her, not comprehending.

Jane looked at Carlisle. "Are you sure you got all of them? The other half that split off?"

Carlisle's face was very smooth as he nodded. "We split up, too."

Jane half-smiled. "I can't deny that I'm impressed." The big shadows behind her murmured in agreement. "I've never seen a coven escape this magnitude of offensive intact. Do you know what was behind it? It seems like extreme behavior, considering the way you live here. And why was the girl the key?" Her eyes rested unwilling on me for one short second.

I shivered.

"Victoria held a grudge against Bella," Edward told her, his voice impassive.

Jane laughed - the sound was golden, the bubbling laugh of a happy child. "This one seems to bring out bizarrely strong reactions in our kind," she observed, smiling directly at me, her face beatific.

Edward stiffened. I looked at him in time to see his face turning away, back to Jane.

"Would you please not do that?" he asked in a tight voice.

Jane laughed again lightly. "Just checking. No harm done, apparently."

I shivered, deeply grateful that the strange glitch in my system - which had protected me from Jane the last time we'd met - was still in effect. Edward's arm tightened around me.

"Well, it appears that there's not much left for us to do. Odd," Jane said, apathy creeping back into her voice. "We're not used to being rendered unnecessary. It's too bad we missed the fight. It sounds like it would have been entertaining to watch."

"Yes," Edward answered her quickly, his voice sharp. "And you were so close. It's a shame you didn't arrive just a half hour earlier. Perhaps then you could have fulfilled your purpose here."

Jane met Edward's glare with unwavering eyes. "Yes. Quite a pity how things turned out, isn't it?"

Edward nodded once to himself, his suspicions confirmed.

Jane turned to look at the newborn Bree again, her face completely bored. "Felix?" she drawled.

"Wait," Edward interjected.

Jane raised one eyebrow, but Edward was staring at Carlisle while he spoke in an urgent voice. "We could explain the rules to the young one. She doesn't seem unwilling to learn. She didn't know what she was doing."

"Of course," Carlisle answered. "We would certainly be prepared to take responsibility for Bree."

Jane's expression was torn between amusement and disbelief.

"We don't make exceptions," she said. "And we don't give second chances. It's bad for our reputation. Which reminds me . . ." Suddenly, her eyes were on me again, and her cherubic face dimpled. "Caius will be so interested to hear that you're still human, Bella. Perhaps he'll decide to visit."

"The date is set," Alice told Jane, speaking for the first time. "Perhaps we'll come to visit you in a few months."

Jane's smile faded, and she shrugged indifferently, never looking at Alice. She turned to face Carlisle. "It was nice to meet you, Carlisle - I'd thought Aro was exaggerating. Well, until we meet again . . ."

Carlisle nodded, his expression pained.

"Take care of that, Felix," Jane said, nodding toward Bree, her voice dripping boredom. "I want to go home."

"Don't watch," Edward whispered in my ear.

I was only too eager to follow his instruction. I'd seen more than enough for one day - more than enough for one lifetime. I squeezed my eyes tightly together and turned my face into Edward's chest.

But I could still hear.

There was a deep, rumbling growl, and then a high-pitched keen that was horribly familiar. That sound cut off quickly, and then the only sound was a sickening crunching and snapping.

Edward's hand rubbed anxiously against my shoulders.

"Come," Jane said, and I looked up in time to see the backs of the tall gray cloaks drifting away toward the curling smoke. The incense smell was strong again - fresh.

The gray cloaks disappeared into the thick mist.

Chapter 24. SNAP DECISION

I LAY FACEDOWN ACROSS THE SLEEPING BAG, WAITING for justice to find me. Maybe an avalanche would bury me here. I wished it would. I never wanted to have to see my face in the mirror again.

There was no sound to warn me. Out of nowhere, Edward's cold hand stroked against my knotted hair. I shuddered guiltily at his touch.

"Are you all right?" he murmured, his voice anxious.

"No. I want to die."

"That will never happen. I won't allow it."

I groaned and then whispered, "You might change your mind about that."

"Where's Jacob?"

"He went to fight," I mumbled into the floor.

Jacob had left the little camp joyfully - with a cheerful "I'll be right back" - running full tilt for the clearing, already quivering as he prepared to shift to his other self. By now the whole pack knew everything. Seth Clearwater, pacing outside the tent, was an intimate witness to my disgrace.

Edward was silent for a long moment. "Oh," he finally said.

The tone of his voice worried me that my avalanche wasn't coming fast enough. I peeked up at him and, sure enough, his eyes were unfocused as he listened to something I'd rather die than have him hear. I dropped my face back to the floor.

It stunned me when Edward chuckled reluctantly.

"And I thought I fought dirty," he said with grudging admiration. "He makes me look like the patron saint of ethics." His hand brushed against the part of my cheek that was exposed. "I'm not mad at you, love. Jacob's more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish you hadn't asked him, though."

"Edward," I whispered to the rough nylon. "I . . . I . . . I'm -"

"Shh," he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. "That's not what I meant. It's just that he would have kissed you anyway - even if you hadn't fallen for it - and now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too."

"Fallen for it?" I mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

"Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go out in a flame of glory just to clear the way for me?"

I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of understanding rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.

"Yes, I did believe that," I muttered, and then looked away. But I didn't feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasn't enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself. Edward laughed softly again. "You're such a bad liar, you'll believe anyone who has the least bit of skill."

"Why aren't you angry with me?" I whispered. "Why don't you hate me? Or haven't you heard the whole story yet?"

"I think I got a fairly comprehensive look," he said in a light, easy voice. "Jacob makes vivid mental pictures. I feel almost as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting nauseated. But Sam is making Jacob focus now."

I closed my eyes and shook my head in agony. The sharp nylon fibers of the tent floor scraped against my skin.

"You're only human," he whispered, stroking my hair again.

"That's the most miserable defense I've ever heard."

"But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he. . . . There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that."

"But that's not true. That's what makes me so horrible. There are no holes."

"You love him," he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

"I love you more," I said. It was the best I could do.

"Yes, I know that, too. But . . . when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I'm not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I can't stand it."

"What would you like me to say?"

"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay."

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I can't do that."

"At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."

"No," he murmured.

I nodded slowly. "You're right. Keep on being too understanding. That's probably worse."

He was silent for a moment, and I sensed a charge in the atmosphere, a new urgency.

"It's getting close," I stated.

"Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more thing. . . ."

I waited. When he finally spoke again, he was whispering. "I can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision."

I pushed off the floor, shoving myself up onto my knees.

"Dammit, stop that!" I shouted at him.

His eyes widened in surprise. "No - you don't understand. I'm not just trying to make you feel better, Bella, I really mean it."

"I know you do," I groaned. "What happened to fighting back? Don't start with the noble self-sacrifice now! Fight!"

"How?" he asked, and his eyes were ancient with their sadness.

I scrambled into his lap, throwing my arms around him.

"I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!"

I didn't wait for him to decide - or to have the chance to tell me he wasn't interested in a cruel, faithless monster like me. I pulled myself against him and crushed my mouth to his snow-cold lips.

"Careful, love," he murmured under my urgent kiss.

"No," I growled.

He gently pushed my face a few inches back. "You don't have to prove anything to me."

"I'm not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want this part. I want every part." I wrapped my arms around his neck and strained to reach his lips. He bent his head to kiss me back, but his cool mouth was hesitant as my impatience grew more pronounced. My body was making my intentions clear, giving me away. Inevitably, his hands moved to restrain me.

"Perhaps this isn't the best moment for that," he suggested, too calm for my liking.

"Why not?" I grumbled. There was no point in fighting if he was going to be rational; I dropped my arms.

"Firstly, because it is cold." He reached out to pull the sleeping bag off the floor; he wrapped it around me like a blanket.

"Wrong," I said. "First, because you are bizarrely moral for a vampire."

He chuckled. "All right, I'll give you that. The cold is second. And thirdly . . . well, you do actually stink, love."

He wrinkled his nose.

I sighed.

"Fourthly," he murmured, dropping his face so that he was whispering in my ear. "We will try, Bella. I'll make good on my promise. But I'd much rather it wasn't in reaction to Jacob Black."

I cringed, and buried my face against his shoulder.

"And fifthly . . ."

"This is a very long list," I muttered.

He laughed. "Yes, but did you want to listen to the fight or not?"

As he spoke, Seth howled stridently outside the tent.

My body stiffened to the sound. I didn't realize my left hand was clenched into a fist, nails biting into my bandaged palm, until Edward took it and gently smoothed my fingers out.

"It's going to be fine, Bella," he promised. "We've got skill, training, and surprise on our side. It will be over very soon. If I didn't truly believe that, I would be down there now - and you'd be here, chained to a tree or something along those lines."

"Alice is so small," I moaned.

He chuckled. "That might be a problem . . . if it were possible for someone to catch her."

Seth started to whimper.

"What's wrong?" I demanded.

"He's just angry that he's stuck here with us. He knows the pack kept him out of the action to protect him. He's salivating to join them."

I scowled in Seth's general direction.

"The newborns have reached the end of the trail - it worked like a charm, Jasper's a genius - and they've caught the scent of the ones in the meadow, so they're splitting into two groups now, as Alice said," Edward murmured, his eyes focused on something far away. "Sam's taking us around to head off the ambush party." He was so intent on what he was hearing that he used the pack plural.

Suddenly he looked down at me. "Breathe, Bella."

I struggled to do what he asked. I could hear Seth's heavy panting just outside the tent wall, and I tried to keep my lungs on the same even pace, so that I wouldn't hyperventilate.

"The first group is in the clearing. We can hear the fighting."

My teeth locked together.

He laughed once. "We can hear Emmett - he's enjoying himself."

I made myself take another breath with Seth.

"The second group is getting ready - they aren't paying attention, they haven't heard us yet."

Edward growled.

"What?" I gasped.

"They're talking about you." His teeth clenched together. "They're supposed to make sure you don't escape. . . . Nice move, Leah! Mmm, she's quite fast," he murmured in approval. "One of the newborns caught our scent, and Leah took him down before he could even turn. Sam's helping her finish him off. Paul and Jacob got another one, but the others are on the defensive now. They have no idea what to make of us. Both sides are feinting. . . . No, let Sam lead. Stay out of the way," he muttered. "Separate them - don't let them protect each other's backs."

Seth whined.

"That's better, drive them toward the clearing," Edward approved. His body was shifting unconsciously as he watched, tensing for moves he would have made. His hands still held mine; I twisted my fingers through his. At least he wasn't down there.

The sudden absence of sound was the only warning.

The deep rush of Seth's breathing cut off, and - as I'd paced my breaths with his - I noticed.

I stopped breathing, too - too frightened to even make my lungs work as I realized that Edward had frozen into a block of ice beside me.

Oh, no. No. No.

Who had been lost? Theirs or ours? Mine, all mine. What was my loss?

So quickly that I wasn't exactly sure how it happened, I was on my feet and the tent was collapsing in ragged shreds around me. Had Edward ripped our way out? Why?

I blinked, shocked, into the brilliant light. Seth was all I could see, right beside us, his face only six inches from Edward's. They stared at each other with absolute concentration for one infinite second. The sun shattered off Edward's skin and sent sparkles dancing across Seth's fur.

And then Edward whispered urgently, "Go, Seth!"

The huge wolf wheeled and disappeared into the forest shadows.

Had two entire seconds passed? It felt like hours. I was terrified to the point of nausea by the knowledge that something horrible had gone awry in the clearing. I opened my mouth to demand that Edward take me there, and do it now. They needed him, and they needed me. If I had to bleed to save them, I would do it. I would die to do it, like the third wife. I had no silver dagger in my hand, but I would find a way - Before I could get the first syllable out, I felt as if I was being flung through the air. But Edward's hands never let go of me - I was only being moved, so quickly that the sensation was like falling sideways.

I found myself with my back pressed against the sheer cliff face. Edward stood in front of me, holding a posture that I knew at once.

Relief washed through my mind at the same time that my stomach dropped through the soles of my feet. I'd misunderstood.

Relief - nothing had gone wrong in the clearing.

Horror - the crisis was here.

Edward held a defensive position - half-crouched, his arms extended slightly - that I recognized with sickening certainty. The rock at my back could have been the ancient brick walls of the Italian alley where he had stood between me and the black-cloaked Volturi warriors.

Something was coming for us.

"Who?" I whispered.

The words came through his teeth in a snarl that was louder than I expected. Too loud. It meant that it was far too late to hide. We were trapped, and it didn't matter who heard his answer.

"Victoria," he said, spitting the word, making it a curse. "She's not alone. She crossed my scent, following the newborns in to watch - she never meant to fight with them. She made a spur-of-the-moment decision to find me, guessing that you would be wherever I was. She was right. You were right. It was always Victoria."

She was close enough that he could hear her thoughts.

Relief again. If it had been the Volturi, we were both dead. But with Victoria, it didn't have to be both. Edward could survive this. He was a good fighter, as good as Jasper. If she didn't bring too many others, he could fight his way out, back to his family. Edward was faster than anyone. He could make it.

I was so glad he'd sent Seth away. Of course, there was no one Seth could run to for help. Victoria had timed her decision perfectly. But at least Seth was safe; I couldn't see the huge sandy wolf in my head when I thought his name - just the gangly fifteen-year-old boy.

Edward's body shifted - only infinitesimally, but it told me where to look. I stared at the black shadows of the forest.

It was like having my nightmares walk forward to greet me.

Two vampires edged slowly into the small opening of our camp, eyes intent, missing nothing. They glistened like diamonds in the sun.

I could barely look at the blond boy - yes, he was just a boy, though he was muscular and tall, maybe my age when he was changed. His eyes - a more vivid red than I had ever seen before - could not hold mine. Though he was closest to Edward, the nearest danger, I could not watch him.

Because, a few feet to the side and a few feet back, Victoria was staring at me.

Her orange hair was brighter than I'd remembered, more like a flame. There was no wind here, but the fire around her face seemed to shimmer slightly, as if it were alive.

Her eyes were black with thirst. She did not smile, as she always had in my nightmares - her lips were pressed into a tight line. There was a striking feline quality to the way she held her coiled body, a lioness waiting for an opening to spring. Her restless, wild gaze flickered between Edward and me, but never rested on him for more than a half-second. She could not keep her eyes from my face any more than I could keep mine from hers.

Tension rolled off of her, nearly visible in the air. I could feel the desire, the all-consuming passion that held her in its grip. Almost as if I could hear her thoughts, too, I knew what she was thinking.

She was so close to what she wanted - the focus of her whole existence for more than a year now was just so close.

My death.

Her plan was as obvious as it was practical. The big blond boy would attack Edward. As soon as Edward was sufficiently distracted, Victoria would finish me.

It would be quick - she had no time for games here - but it would be thorough. Something that it would be impossible to recover from. Something that even vampire venom could not repair.

She'd have to stop my heart. Perhaps a hand shoved through my chest, crushing it. Something along those lines.

My heart beat furiously, loudly, as if to make her target more obvious.

An immense distance away, from far across the black forest, a wolf's howl echoed in the still air. With Seth gone, there was no way to interpret the sound.

The blond boy looked at Victoria from the corner of his eye, waiting on her command.

He was young in more ways than one. I guessed from his brilliant crimson irises that he couldn't have been a vampire for very long. He would be strong, but inept. Edward would know how to fight him. Edward would survive.

Victoria jerked her chin toward Edward, wordlessly ordering the boy forward.

"Riley," Edward said in a soft, pleading voice.

The blond boy froze, his red eyes widening.

"She's lying to you, Riley," Edward told him. "Listen to me. She's lying to you just like she lied to the others who are dying now in the clearing. You know that she's lied to them, that she had you lie to them, that neither of you were ever going to help them. Is it so hard to believe that she's lied to you, too?"

Confusion swept across Riley's face.

Edward shifted a few inches to the side, and Riley automatically compensated with an adjustment of his own.

"She doesn't love you, Riley." Edward's soft voice was compelling, almost hypnotic. "She never has. She loved someone named James, and you're no more than a tool to her."

When he said James's name, Victoria's lips pulled back in a teeth-baring grimace. Her eyes stayed locked on me.

Riley cast a frantic glance in her direction.

"Riley?" Edward said.

Riley automatically refocused on Edward.

"She knows that I will kill you, Riley. She wants you to die so that she doesn't have to keep up the pretense anymore. Yes - you've seen that, haven't you? You've read the reluctance in her eyes, suspected a false note in her promises. You were right. She's never wanted you. Every kiss, every touch was a lie."

Edward moved again, moved a few inches toward the boy, a few inches away from me.

Victoria's gaze zeroed in on the gap between us. It would take her less than a second to kill me - she only needed the tiniest margin of opportunity.

Slower this time, Riley repositioned himself.

"You don't have to die," Edward promised, his eyes holding the boy's. "There are other ways to live than the way she's shown you. It's not all lies and blood, Riley. You can walk away right now. You don't have to die for her lies."

Edward slid his feet forward and to the side. There was a foot of space between us now. Riley circled too far, overcompensating this time. Victoria leaned forward onto the balls of her feet.

"Last chance, Riley," Edward whispered.

Riley's face was desperate as he looked to Victoria for answers.

"He's the liar, Riley," Victoria said, and my mouth fell open in shock at the sound of her voice. "I told you about their mind tricks. You know I love only you."

Her voice was not the strong, wild, catlike growl I would have put with her face and stance. It was soft, it was high - a babyish, soprano tinkling. The kind of voice that went with blond curls and pink bubble gum. It made no sense coming through her bared, glistening teeth.

Riley's jaw tightened, and he squared his shoulders. His eyes emptied - there was no more confusion, no more suspicion. There was no thought at all. He tensed himself to attack.

Victoria's body seemed to be trembling, she was so tightly wound. Her fingers were ready claws, waiting for Edward to move just one more inch away from me.

The snarl came from none of them.

A mammoth tan shape flew through the center of the opening, throwing Riley to the ground.

"No!" Victoria cried, her baby voice shrill with disbelief.

A yard and a half in front of me, the huge wolf ripped and tore at the blond vampire beneath him. Something white and hard smacked into the rocks by my feet. I cringed away from it.

Victoria did not spare one glance for the boy she'd just pledged her love to. Her eyes were still on me, filled with a disappointment so ferocious that she looked deranged.

"No," she said again, through her teeth, as Edward started to move toward her, blocking her path to me.

Riley was on his feet again, looking misshapen and haggard, but he was able to fling a vicious kick into Seth's shoulder. I heard the bone crunch. Seth backed off and started to circle, limping. Riley had his arms out, ready, though he seemed to be missing part of one hand. . . .

Only a few yards away from that fight, Edward and Victoria were dancing.

Not quite circling, because Edward was not allowing her to position herself closer to me. She sashayed back, moving from side to side, trying to find a hole in his defense. He shadowed her footwork lithely, stalking her with perfect concentration. He began to move just a fraction of a second before she moved, reading her intentions in her thoughts.

Seth lunged at Riley from the side, and something tore with a hideous, grating screech. Another heavy white chunk flew into the forest with a thud. Riley roared in fury, and Seth skipped back - amazingly light on his feet for his size - as Riley took a swipe at him with one mangled hand.

Victoria was weaving through the tree trunks at the far end of the little opening now. She was torn, her feet pulling her toward safety while her eyes yearned toward me as if I were a magnet, reeling her in. I could see the burning desire to kill warring with her survival instinct.

Edward could see that, too.

"Don't go, Victoria," he murmured in that same hypnotic tone as before. "You'll never get another chance like this."

She showed her teeth and hissed at him, but she seemed unable to move farther away from me.

"You can always run later," Edward purred. "Plenty of time for that. It's what you do, isn't it? It's why James kept you around. Useful, if you like to play deadly games. A partner with an uncanny instinct for escaping. He shouldn't have left you - he could have used your skills when we caught up to him in Phoenix."

A snarl ripped from between her lips.

"That's all you ever were to him, though. Silly to waste so much energy avenging someone who had less affection for you than a hunter for his mount. You were never more than a convenience to him. I would know."

Edward's lips pulled up on one side as he tapped his temple.

With a strangled screech, Victoria darted out of the trees again, feinting to the side. Edward responded, and the dance began again.

Just then, Riley's fist caught Seth's flank, and a low yelp coughed out of Seth's throat. Seth backed away, his shoulders twitching as if he were trying to shake off the pain.

Please, I wanted to plead with Riley, but I couldn't find the muscles to make my mouth open, to pull the air up from my lungs. Please, he's just a child!

Why hadn't Seth run away? Why didn't he run now?

Riley was closing the distance between them again, driving Seth toward the cliff face beside me. Victoria was suddenly interested in her partner's fate. I could see her, from the corner of her eyes, judge the distance between Riley and me. Seth snapped at Riley, forcing him back again, and Victoria hissed.

Seth wasn't limping anymore. His circling took him within inches of Edward; his tail brushed Edward's back, and Victoria's eyes bulged.

"No, he won't turn on me," Edward said, answering the question in Victoria's head. He used her distraction to slide closer. "You provided us with a common enemy. You allied us."

She clenched her teeth, trying to keep her focus on Edward alone.

"Look more closely, Victoria," he murmured, pulling at the threads of her concentration. "Is he really so much like the monster James tracked across Siberia?"

Her eyes popped wide open, and then began flickering wildly from Edward to Seth to me, around and around. "Not the same?" she snarled in her little girl's soprano. "Impossible!"

"Nothing is impossible," Edward murmured, voice velvet soft as he moved another inch closer to her. "Except what you want. You'll never touch her."

She shook her head, fast and jerky, fighting his diversions, and tried to duck around him, but he was in place to block her as soon as she'd thought of the plan. Her face contorted in frustration, and then she shifted lower into her crouch, a lioness again, and stalked deliberately forward.

Victoria was no inexperienced, instinct-driven newborn. She was lethal. Even I could tell the difference between her and Riley, and I knew that Seth wouldn't have lasted so long if he'd been fighting this vampire.

Edward shifted, too, as they closed on each other, and it was lion versus lioness.

The dance increased in tempo.

It was like Alice and Jasper in the meadow, a blurred spiraling of movement, only this dance was not as perfectly choreographed. Sharp crunches and crackings reverberated off the cliff face whenever someone slipped in their formation. But they were moving too fast for me to see who was making the mistakes. . . .

Riley was distracted by the violent ballet, his eyes anxious for his partner. Seth struck, crunching off another small piece of the vampire. Riley bellowed and launched a massive backhanded blow that caught Seth full in his broad chest. Seth's huge body soared ten feet and crashed into the rocky wall over my head with a force that seemed to shake the whole peak. I heard the breath whoosh from his lungs, and I ducked out of the way as he rebounded off the stone and collapsed on the ground a few feet in front of me.

A low whimper escaped through Seth's teeth.

Sharp fragments of gray stone showered down on my head, scratching my exposed skin. A jagged spike of rock rolled down my right arm and I caught it reflexively. My fingers clenched around the long shard as my own survival instincts kicked in; since there was no chance of flight, my body - not caring how ineffectual the gesture was - prepared for a fight.

Adrenaline jolted through my veins. I knew the brace was cutting into my palm. I knew the crack in my knuckle was protesting. I knew it, but I could not feel the pain.

Behind Riley, all I could see was the twisting flame of Victoria's hair and a blur of white. The increasingly frequent metallic snaps and tears, the gasps and shocked hissings, made it clear that the dance was turning deadly for someone.

But which someone?

Riley lurched toward me, his red eyes brilliant with fury. He glared at the limp mountain of sand-colored fur between us, and his hands - mangled, broken hands - curled into talons. His mouth opened, widened, his teeth glistening, as he prepared to rip out Seth's throat.

A second kick of adrenaline hit like an electric shock, and everything was suddenly very clear.

Both fights were too close. Seth was about to lose his, and I had no idea if Edward was winning or losing. They needed help. A distraction. Something to give them an edge.

My hand gripped the stone spike so tightly that a support in the brace snapped.

Was I strong enough? Was I brave enough? How hard could I shove the rough stone into my body? Would this buy Seth enough time to get back on his feet? Would he heal fast enough for my sacrifice to do him any good?

I raked the point of the shard up my arm, yanking my thick sweater back to expose the skin, and then pressed the sharp tip to the crease at my elbow. I already had a long scar there from my last birthday. That night, my flowing blood had been enough to catch every vampire's attention, to freeze them all in place for an instant. I prayed it would work that way again. I steeled myself and sucked in one deep breath.

Victoria was distracted by the sound of my gasp. Her eyes, holding still for one tiny portion of a second, met mine. Fury and curiosity mingled strangely in her expression.

I wasn't sure how I heard the low sound with all the other noises echoing off the stone wall and hammering inside my head. My own heartbeat should have been enough to drown it out. But, in the split second that I stared into Victoria's eyes, I thought I heard a familiar, exasperated sigh.

In that same short second, the dance broke violently apart. It happened so quickly that it was over before I could follow the sequence of events. I tried to catch up in my head.

Victoria had flown out of the blurred formation and smashed into a tall spruce about halfway up the tree. She dropped back to the earth already crouched to spring.

Simultaneously, Edward - all but invisible with speed - had twisted backward and caught the unsuspecting Riley by the arm. It had looked like Edward planted his foot against Riley's back, and heaved -

The little campsite was filled with Riley's piercing shriek of agony.

At the same time, Seth leaped to his feet, cutting off most of my view.

But I could still see Victoria. And, though she looked oddly deformed - as if she were unable to straighten up completely - I could see the smile I'd been dreaming of flash across her wild face.

She coiled and sprang.

Something small and white whistled through the air and collided with her mid-flight. The impact sounded like an explosion, and it threw her against another tree - this one snapped in half. She landed on her feet again, crouched and ready, but Edward was already in place. Relief swelled in my heart when I saw that he stood straight and perfect.

Victoria kicked something aside with a flick of her bare foot - the missile that had crippled her attack. It rolled toward me, and I realized what it was.

My stomach lurched.

The fingers were still twitching; grasping at blades of grass, Riley's arm began to drag itself mindlessly across the ground.

Seth was circling Riley again, and now Riley was retreating. He backed away from the advancing werewolf, his face rigid with pain. He raised his one arm defensively.

Seth rushed Riley, and the vampire was clearly off-balance. I saw Seth sink his teeth into Riley's shoulder and tear, jumping back again.

With an earsplitting metallic screech, Riley lost his other arm.

Seth shook his head, flinging the arm into the woods. The broken hissing noise that came through Seth's teeth sounded like snickering.

Riley screamed out a tortured plea. "Victoria!"

Victoria did not even flinch to the sound of her name. Her eyes did not flicker once toward her partner.

Seth launched himself forward with the force of a wrecking ball. The thrust carried both Seth and Riley into the trees, where the metallic screeching was matched by Riley's screams. Screams that abruptly cut off, while the sounds of rock being ripped to shreds continued.

Though she spared Riley no farewell glance, Victoria seemed to realize that she was on her own. She began to back away from Edward, frenzied disappointment blazing in her eyes. She threw me one short, agonized stare of longing, and then she started to retreat faster.

"No," Edward crooned, his voice seductive. "Stay just a little longer."

She wheeled and flew toward the refuge of the forest like an arrow from a bow.

But Edward was faster - a bullet from a gun.

He caught her unprotected back at the edge of the trees and, with one last, simple step, the dance was over.

Edward's mouth brushed once across her neck, like a caress. The squealing clamor coming from Seth's efforts covered every other noise, so there was no discernible sound to make the image one of violence. He could have been kissing her.

And then the fiery tangle of hair was no longer connected to the rest of her body. The shivering orange waves fell to the ground, and bounced once before rolling toward the trees.

Chapter 23. MONSTER

WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, IT WAS VERY bright - even inside the tent, the sunlight hurt my eyes. And I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring lightly in my ear, his arms still wrapped around me.

I pulled my head away from his feverishly warm chest and felt the sting of the cold morning on my clammy cheek. Jacob sighed in his sleep; his arms tightened unconsciously.

I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to see. . . .

Edward met my gaze evenly. His expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.

"Is it any warmer out there?" I whispered.

"Yes. I don't think the space heater will be necessary today."

I tried to get to the zipper, but I couldn't free my arms. I strained, fighting against Jacob's inert strength. Jacob muttered, still fast asleep, his arms constricting again.

"Some help?" I asked quietly.

Edward smiled. "Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?"

"No, thank you. Just get me free. I'm going to get heat stroke."

Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the icy floor of the tent.

"Hey!" he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me.

And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.

The growling erupted from all around. Edward was crouching in front of me, and I couldn't see his face, but the snarls were ripping angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, too, his whole body quivering, while growls rumbled through his clenched teeth. Outside the tent, Seth Clearwater's vicious snarls echoed off the rocks.

"Stop it, stop it!" I yelled, scrambling awkwardly to put myself between them. The space was so small that I didn't have to stretch far to put one hand on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his hand around my waist, ready to yank me out of the way.

"Stop it, now," I warned him.

Under my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking slowed, but his teeth were still bared, his eyes furiously focused on Edward. Seth continued to growl, a long unbroken sound, a violent background to the sudden silence in the tent.

"Jacob?" I asked, waiting until he finally dropped his glare to look at me. "Are you hurt?"

"Of course not!" he hissed.

I turned to Edward. He was looking at me, his expression hard and angry. "That wasn't nice. You should say sorry."

His eyes widened in disgust. "You must be joking - he was crushing you!"

"Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn't do it on purpose, and he didn't hurt me."

Edward groaned, revolted. Slowly, he looked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eyes. "My apologies, dog."

"No harm done," Jacob said, a taunting edge to his voice.

It was still cold, though not as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.

"Here," Edward said, calm again. He took the parka off the floor and wrapped it over the top of my coat.

"That's Jacob's," I objected.

"Jacob has a fur coat," Edward hinted.

"I'll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don't mind." Jacob ignored him, climbing around us and sliding into the down bag. "I wasn't quite ready to wake up. That wasn't the best night's sleep I ever had."

"It was your idea," Edward said impassively.

Jacob was curled up, his eyes already closed. He yawned. "I didn't say it wasn't the best night I've ever spent. Just that I didn't get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up."

I winced, wondering what might have come out of my mouth in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," Edward murmured.

Jacob's dark eyes fluttered open. "Didn't you have a nice night, then?" he asked, smug.

"It wasn't the worst night of my life."

"Did it make the top ten?" Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment.

"Possibly."

Jacob smiled and closed his eyes.

"But," Edward went on, "if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that."

Jacob's eyes opened into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.

"You know what? I think it's too crowded in here."

"I couldn't agree more."

I elbowed Edward in the ribs - probably giving myself a bruise.

"Guess I'll catch up on my sleep later, then." Jacob made a face. "I need to talk to Sam anyway."

He rolled to his knees and grabbed the door's zipper.

Pain crackled down my spine and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly realized that this could be the last time I would see him. He was going back to Sam, back to fight the horde of bloodthirsty newborn vampires.

"Jake, wait -" I reached after him, my hand sliding down his arm.

He jerked his arm away before my fingers could find purchase.

"Please, Jake? Won't you stay?"

"No."

The word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile softened his expression.

"Don't worry about me, Bells. I'll be fine, just like I always am." He forced a laugh. "'Sides, you think I'm going to let Seth go in my place - have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right." He snorted.

"Be careful -"

He shoved out of the tent before I could finish.

"Give it a rest, Bella," I heard him mutter as he re-zipped the door.

I listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, but it was perfectly still. No more wind. I could hear morning birdsong far away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob moved in silence now.

I huddled in my coats, and leaned against Edward's shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.

"How much longer?" I asked.

"Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so," Edward said, soft and bleak.

"We stay together. No matter what."

"No matter what," he agreed, his eyes tight.

"I know," I said. "I'm terrified for them, too."

"They know how to handle themselves," Edward assured me, purposely making his voice light. "I just hate missing the fun."

Again with the fun. My nostrils flared.

He put his arm around my shoulder. "Don't worry," he urged, and then he kissed my forehead.

As if there was any way to avoid that. "Sure, sure."

"Do you want me to distract you?" He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.

I shivered involuntarily; the morning was still frosty.

"Maybe not right now," he answered himself, pulling his hand away.

"There are other ways to distract me."

"What would you like?"

"You could tell me about your ten best nights," I suggested. "I'm curious."

He laughed. "Try to guess."

I shook my head. "There're too many nights I don't know about. A century of them."

"I'll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really - and by quite a wide margin, too."

I thought for a minute. "I can only think of mine," I admitted.

"They might be the same," he encouraged.

"Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed."

"Yes, that's one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part."

"That's right," I remembered. "I was talking that night, too."

"Yes," he agreed.

My face got hot as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacob's arms. I couldn't remember what I'd dreamed about, or if I'd dreamed at all, so that was no help.

"What did I say last night?" I whispered more quietly than before.

He shrugged instead of answering, and I winced.

"That bad?"

"Nothing too horrible," he sighed.

"Please tell me."

"Mostly you said my name, the same as usual."

"That's not bad," I agreed cautiously.

"Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about 'Jacob, my Jacob.'" I could hear the pain, even in the whisper. "Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot."

I stretched my neck up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw. I couldn't see into his eyes. He was staring up at the ceiling of the tent.

"Sorry," I murmured. "That's just the way I differentiate."

"Differentiate?"

"Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me," I explained.

"That makes sense." He sounded slightly mollified. "Tell me another favorite night."

"Flying home from Italy."

He frowned.

"Is that not one of yours?" I wondered.

"No, it is one of mine, actually, but I'm surprised it's on your list. Weren't you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors opened?"

"Yes." I smiled. "But, still, you were there."

He kissed my hair. "You love me more than I deserve."

I laughed at the impossibility of that idea. "Next would be the night after Italy," I continued.

"Yes, that's on the list. You were so funny."

"Funny?" I objected.

"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake."

"I'm still not sure," I muttered. "You've always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?"

"No - that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me."

I made a face.

"That doesn't make your list?"

I thought about the way he'd kissed me, the concession I'd gained, and changed my mind. "Yes . . . it does. But with reservations. I don't understand why it's so important to you. You already had me forever."

"A hundred years from now, when you've gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you."

"I'll remind you to explain - in a hundred years."

"Are you warm enough?" he asked suddenly.

"I'm fine," I assured him. "Why?"

Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every direction.

The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because I'd never heard such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once - I recognized the sound and understood the meaning as perfectly as if I'd uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not human when he cried out. I needed no translation.

Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we'd said. Jacob was in agony.

The howl choked off into a peculiar gurgled sob, and then it was quiet again.

I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it - I could feel the absence I had wrongly assumed before, the empty space he left behind.


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Home > Eclipse (Twilight #3)(109)



Eclipse (Twilight #3)(109)
Author: Stephenie Meyer


  




"Because your space heater has reached his limit," Edward answered quietly. "Truce over," he added, so low I couldn't be sure that was really what he'd said.

"Jacob was listening," I whispered. It wasn't a question.

"Yes."

"You knew."

"Yes."

I stared at nothing, seeing nothing.

"I never promised to fight fair," he reminded me quietly. "And he deserves to know."

My head fell into my hands.

"Are you angry with me?" he asked.

"Not you," I whispered. "I'm horrified at me."

"Don't torment yourself," he pleaded.

"Yes," I agreed bitterly. "I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldn't want to leave any part of him unharmed."

"He knew what he was doing."

"Do you think that matters?" I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. "Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again." My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. "I'm a hideous person."

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "No, you're not."

"I am! What's wrong with me?" I struggled against his arms, and he let them drop. "I have to go find him."

"Bella, he's already miles away, and it's cold."

"I don't care. I can't just sit here." I shrugged off Jacob's parka, shoved my feet into my boots, and crawled stiffly to the door; my legs felt numb. "I have to - I have to . . ." I didn't know how to finishthe sentence, didn't know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the bright, icy morning.

There was less snow than I would have thought after the fury of last night's storm. Probably it had blown away rather than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that lingered and stabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a bite to it, but it was dead calm and slowly becoming more seasonable as the sun rose higher.

Seth Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head on his paws. His sand-colored fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the bright snow reflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation.

I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldn't hear him, but the sun reflected off his skin in glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me. He didn't reach out to stop me until I was several paces into the forest shadows.

His hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to yank myself free.

"You can't go after him. Not today. It's almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn't help anyone, regardless."

I twisted my wrist, pulling uselessly.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispered. "I'm sorry I did that."

"You didn't do anything. It's my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . I shouldn't have . . . I . . . I . . ." I was sobbing.

"Bella, Bella."

His arms folded around me, and my tears soaked into his shirt.

"I should have - told him - I should - have said -" What? What could have made this right? "He shouldn't have - found out like this."

"Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? There's still a little time," Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.

I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face.

"Stay by the tent. I'll be back soon."

His arms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the second it took me to look up, he was already gone. I was alone.

A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched that didn't get spoiled?

I didn't know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasn't like I hadn't known this was coming all along. But Jacob had never reacted so strongly - lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity of his pain. The sound of his agony still cut at me, somewhere deep in my chest. Right beside it was the other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch Jacob go with composure, knowing that it was the right thing, the only way.

I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.

I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like Cathy.

I couldn't allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I had to do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring him back. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold fingers now.

But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never come back.

Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt? It wasn't right. That shouldn't be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I couldn't have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give up wishing for that. How ridiculously greedy could any one person be?

I had to get over this irrational feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldn't belong with me, could not be my Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.

I walked slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth - he hadn't moved from his bed of pine needles - and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.

I could feel that my hair was wild, twisted into clumps like Medusa's snakes. I yanked through it with my fingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?

I grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and shook it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lid and took a swig to rinse my mouth with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didn't feel hungry enough to look for it. I started pacing across the bright little space, feeling Seth's eyes on me the whole time. Because I wouldn't look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the gigantic wolf. So much like a younger Jacob.

I wanted to ask Seth to bark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. It didn't matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didn't. I wished I had some way to call Edward.

Seth whined at that moment, and got to his feet.

"What is it?" I asked him stupidly.

He ignored me, trotting to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He began whimpering.

"Is it the others, Seth?" I demanded. "In the clearing?"

He looked at me and yelped softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west. His ears laid back and he whined again.

Why was I such a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know what was going on? I didn't speak wolf.

A cold trickle of fear began to ooze down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob and Edward got too close? What if Edward decided to join in the fight?

The icy fear pooled inmy stomach. What if Seth's distress had nothing to do with the clearing, and his yelp had been a denial? What if Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, far away somewhere in the forest? They wouldn't do that, would they?

With sudden, chilling certainty I realized that they would - if the wrong words were said. I thought of the tense standoff in the tent this morning, and I wondered if I'd underestimated how close it had come to a fight.

It would be no more than I deserved if I somehow lost them both.

The ice locked around my heart.

Before I could collapse with fear, Seth grumbled slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from his watch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldn't he scratch a message in the dirt or something?

The pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then I went back to wearing a path across the center of the tiny break in the trees.

Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. If Seth didn't cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.

He growled, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim, and I rethought my impatience.

"It's just us, Seth," Jacob called from a distance.

I tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into fourth gear when I heard him. It was just fear of what I was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be relieved that he'd come back. That would be the opposite of helpful.

Edward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, the sun shimmered on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes. Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased his forehead.

"Yes, that's all we need," he muttered to himself before addressing the big wolf. "I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better."

Seth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nod now. I turned my head, annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.

He had his back to me, facing the way he'd come. I waited warily for him to turn around.

"Bella," Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.

"There's a bit of a complication," he told me, his voice carefully unworried. "I'm going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I won't go far, but I won't listen, either. I know you don't want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go."

Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.

I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for this look to come into his eyes.

I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didn't need anything else right now.

"Hurry back," I whispered.

He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.

Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldn't see his expression clearly.

"I'm in a hurry, Bella," he said in a dull voice. "Why don't you get it over with?"

I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasn't sure if I could make sound come out.

"Just say the words, and be done with it."

I took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I'm such a rotten person," I whispered. "I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I wish I'd never met you, so I couldn't hurt you the way I have. I won't do it anymore, I promise. I'll stay far away from you. I'll move out of the state. You won't have to look at me ever again."

"That's not much of an apology," he said bitterly.

I couldn't make my voice louder than a whisper. "Tell me how to do it right."

"What if I don't want you to go away? What if I'd rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don't I get any say, if you're trying to make things up to me?"

"That won't help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. It's not going to get better. I'll just keep hurting you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I hate it." My voice broke.

He sighed. "Stop. You don't have to say anything else. I understand."

I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.

He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.

And then his head snapped up.

"Well, you're not the only one capable of self-sacrifice," he said, his voice stronger. "Two can play at that game."

"What?"

"I've behaved pretty badly myself. I've made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too."

"This is my fault."

"I won't let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem myself."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.

He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. "There's a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don't think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture."

His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn't breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of mylife completely, I didn't realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.

"Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no," I choked out in horror. "No, Jake, no. Please, no." My knees began to tremble.

"What's the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You won't even have to move."

"No!" My voice got louder. "No, Jacob! I won't let you!"

"How will you stop me?" he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.

"Jacob, I'm begging you. Stay with me." I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.

"For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think I'm safe again? You've got to be kidding."

"I won't run away. I've changed my mind. We'll work something out, Jacob. There's always a compromise. Don't go!"

"You're lying."

"I'm not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. I'll stay if you do."

His face hardened. "And I can be your best man at the wedding?"

It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, "Please."

"That's what I thought," he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.

"I love you, Bella," he murmured.

"I love you, Jacob," I whispered brokenly.

He smiled. "I know that better than you do."

He turned to walk away.

"Anything," I called after him in a strangled voice. "Anything you want, Jacob. Just don't do this!"

He paused, turning slowly.

"I don't really think you mean that."

"Stay," I begged.

He shook his head. "No, I'm going." He paused, as if deciding something. "But I could leave it to fate."

"What do you mean?" I choked out.

"I don't have to do anything deliberate - I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens happen." He shrugged. "If you could convince me you really did want me to come back - more than you wanted to do the selfless thing."

"How?" I asked.

"You could ask me," he suggested.

"Come back," I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?

He shook his head, smiling again. "That's not what I'm talking about."

It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superior expression - so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization hit, though, I blurted out the words without stopping to count the cost.

"Will you kiss me, Jacob?"

His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. "You're bluffing."

"Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back."

He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting away from me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.

I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.

Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three long strides.

I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still - my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides - as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.

I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.

As soon as he was sure I wouldn't drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my waist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my body against his.

His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.

Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.

"You can do better than this, Bella," he whispered huskily. "You're overthinking it."

I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.

"That's right," he murmured. "For once, just let yourself feel what you feel."

I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.

His voice turned acidic. "Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?"

Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much - he wasn't fighting fair.

My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair - ignoring the stabbing pain in my right hand - and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.

And Jacob misunderstood.

He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause him pain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.

With a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist.

The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-control; his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrew it entirely. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness of his sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were movingwith his in strange, confusing ways they'd never moved before - because I didn't have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn't being careful with me.

My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.

He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldn't see or hear or feel anything that wasn't Jacob.

The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.

Why wasn't I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn't I find inmyself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didn't want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?

The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: I'd been lying to myself.

Jacob was right. He'd been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That's why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye - because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.

I didn't care about more than that - than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.

In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain - now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain. Almost tangible - it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.

For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacob's thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Renée mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.

And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole.

Jacob's lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and elation.

"I have to leave," he whispered.

"No."

He smiled, pleased by my response. "I won't be long," he promised. "But one thing first . . ."

He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?

This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.

His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.

"That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never."

Against his chest, where he couldn't see, the tears welled up and spilled over.

Chapter 22. FIRE AND ICE

THE WIND SHOOK THE TENT AGAIN, AND I SHOOK WITH IT.

The temperature was dropping. I could feel it through the down bag, through my jacket. I was fully dressed, my hiking boots still laced into place. It didn't make any difference. How could it be so cold? How could it keep getting colder? It had to bottom out sometime, didn't it?

"W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?" I forced the words through my rattling teeth.

"Two," Edward answered.

Edward sat as far from me as possible in the cramped space, afraid to even breathe on me when I was already so cold. It was too dark to see his face, but his voice was wild with worry, indecision, and frustration.

"Maybe . . ."

"No, I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, r-r-r-really. I don't w-w-w-want to g-go outside."

He'd tried to talk me into making a run for it a dozen times already, but I was terrified of leaving my shelter. If it was this cold in here, protected from the raging wind, I could imagine how bad it would be if we were running through it.

And it would waste all our efforts this afternoon. Would we have enough time to reset ourselves when the storm was over? What if it didn't end? It made no sense to move now. I could shiver my way through one night.

I was worried that the trail I had laid would be lost, but he promised that it would still be plain to the coming monsters.

"What can I do?" he almost begged.

I just shook my head.

Out in the snow, Jacob whined unhappily.

"G-g-g-get out of h-h-h-ere," I ordered, again.

"He's just worried about you," Edward translated. "He's fine. His body is equipped to deal with this."

"H-h-h-h-h-h." I wanted to say that he should still leave, but I couldn't get it past my teeth. I nearly bit my tongue off trying. At least Jacob did seem to be well equipped for the snow, better even than the others in his pack with his thicker, longer, shaggy russet fur. I wondered why that was.

Jacob whimpered, a high-pitched, grating sound of complaint.

"What do you want me to do?" Edward growled, too anxious to bother with politeness anymore. "Carry her through that? I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you go fetch a space heater or something?"

"I'm ok-k-k-k-k-k-kay," I protested. Judging from Edward's groan and the muted growl outside the tent, I hadn't convinced anyone. The wind rocked the tent roughly, and I shuddered in harmony with it.

A sudden howl ripped through the roar of the wind, and I covered my ears against the noise. Edward scowled.

"That was hardly necessary," he muttered. "And that's the worst idea I've ever heard," he called more loudly.

"Better than anything you've come up with," Jacob answered, his human voice startling me. "Go fetch a space heater," he grumbled. "I'm not a St. Bernard."

I heard the sound of the zipper around the tent door pulling swiftly down.

Jacob slid through the smallest opening he could manage, while the arctic air flowed in around him, a few flecks of snow falling to the floor of the tent. I shivered so hard it was a convulsion.

"I don't like this," Edward hissed as Jake zipped the tent door shut. "Just give her the coat and get out."

My eyes were adjusted enough to see shapes - Jacob was carrying the parka that had been hanging on a tree next to the tent.

I tried to ask what they were talking about, but all that came out of my mouth was, "W-w-w-w-w-w," as the shivering made me stutter uncontrollably.

"The parka's for tomorrow - she's too cold to warm it up by herself. It's frozen." He dropped it by the door. "You said she needed a space heater, and here I am." Jacob held his arms as wide as the tent allowed. As usual, when he'd been running around as a wolf, he'd only thrown on the bare essentials - just a pair of sweats, no shirt, no shoes.

"J-J-J-J-Jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze," I tried to complain.

"Not me," he said cheerfully. "I run at a toasty one-oh-eight point nine these days. I'll have you sweating in no time."

Edward snarled, but Jacob didn't even look at him. Instead, he crawled to my side and started unzipping my sleeping bag.

Edward's hand was suddenly hard on his shoulder, restraining, snow white against the dark skin. Jacob's jaw clenched, his nostrils flaring, his body recoiling from the cold touch. The long muscles in his arms flexed automatically.

"Get your hand off of me," he growled through his teeth.

"Keep your hands off of her," Edward answered blackly.

"D-d-d-don't f-f-f-f-fight," I pleaded. Another tremor rocked through me. It felt like my teeth were going to shatter, they were slamming together so hard.

"I'm sure she'll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop off," Jacob snapped.

Edward hesitated, then his hand fell away and he slid back to his position in the corner.

His voice was flat and frightening. "Watch yourself."

Jacob chuckled.

"Scoot over, Bella," he said, zipping the sleeping bag open farther.

I stared at him in outrage. No wonder Edward was reacting this way.

"N-n-n-n-n," I tried to protest.

"Don't be stupid," he said, exasperated. "Don't you like having ten toes?"

He crammed his body into the nonexistent space, forcing the zipper up behind himself.

And then I couldn't object - I didn't want to anymore. He was so warm. His arms constricted around me, holding me snugly against his bare chest. The heat was irresistible, like air after being underwater for too long. He cringed when I pressed my icy fingers eagerly against his skin.

"Jeez, you're freezing, Bella," he complained.

"S-s-s-s-sorry," I stuttered.

"Try to relax," he suggested as another shiver rippled through me violently. "You'll be warm in a minute. Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off."

Edward growled sharply.

"That's just a simple fact," Jacob defended himself. "Survival one-oh-one."

"C-c-cut it out, Jake," I said angrily, though my body refused to even try to pull away from him. "N-n-n- nobody really n-n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes."

"Don't worry about the bloodsucker," Jacob suggested, and his tone was smug. "He's just jealous."

"Of course I am." Edward's voice was velvet again, under control, a musical murmur in the darkness. "You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel."

"Those are the breaks," Jacob said lightly, but then his tone soured. "At least you know she wishes it was you."

"True," Edward agreed.

The shuddering slowed, became bearable while they wrangled.

"There," Jacob said, pleased. "Feeling better?"

I was finally able to speak clearly. "Yes."

"Your lips are still blue," he mused. "Want me to warm those up for you, too? You only have to ask."

Edward sighed heavily.

"Behave yourself," I muttered, pressing my face against his shoulder. He flinched again when my cold skin touched his, and I smiled with slightly vindictive satisfaction.

It was already warm and snug inside the sleeping bag. Jacob's body heat seemed to radiate from every side - maybe because there was so much of him. I kicked my boots off, and pushed my toes against his legs. He jumped slightly, and then leaned his head down to press his hot cheek against my numb ear.

I noticed that Jacob's skin had a woodsy, musky scent - it fit the setting, here in the middle of the forest. It was nice. I wondered if the Cullens and the Quileutes weren't just playing up that whole odor issue because of their prejudices. Everyone smelled fine to me.

The storm howled like an animal attacking the tent, but it didn't worry me now. Jacob was out of the cold, and so was I. Plus, I was simply too exhausted to worry about anything - tired from just staying awake so late, and aching from the muscle spasms. My body relaxed slowly as I thawed, piece by frozen piece, and then turned limp.

"Jake?" I mumbled sleepily. "Can I ask you something? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, I'm honestly curious." They were the same words he'd used in my kitchen . . . how long ago was it now?

"Sure," he chuckled, remembering.

"Why are you so much furrier than your friends? You don't have to answer if I'm being rude." I didn't know the rules for etiquette as they applied to werewolf culture.

"Because my hair is longer," he said, amused - my question hadn't offended him, at least. He shook his head so that his unkempt hair - grown out to his chin now - tickled my cheek.

"Oh." I was surprised, but it made sense. So that was why they'd all cropped their hair in the beginning, when they joined the pack. "Then why don't you cut it? Do you like to be shaggy?"

He didn't answer right away this time, and Edward laughed under his breath.

"Sorry," I said, pausing to yawn. "I didn't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me."

Jacob made an annoyed sound. "Oh, he'll tell you anyway, so I might as well. . . . I was growing my hair out because . . . it seemed like you liked it better long."

"Oh." I felt awkward. "I, er, like it both ways, Jake. You don't need to be . . . inconvenienced."

He shrugged. "Turns out it was very convenient tonight, so don't worry about it."

I didn't have anything else to say. As the silence lengthened, my eyelids drooped and shut, and my breathing grew slower, more even.

"That's right, honey, go to sleep," Jacob whispered.

I sighed, content, already half-unconscious.

"Seth is here," Edward muttered to Jacob, and I suddenly understood the point of the howling.

"Perfect. Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take care of your girlfriend for you."

Edward didn't answer, but I groaned groggily. "Stop it," I muttered.

It was quiet then, inside at least. Outside, the wind shrieked insanely through the trees. The shimmying of the tent made it hard to sleep. The poles would suddenly jerk and quiver, pulling me back from the edge of unconsciousness each time I was close to slipping under. I felt so bad for the wolf, the boy that was stuck outside in the snow.

My mind wandered as I waited for sleep to find me. This warm little space made me think of the early days with Jacob, and I remembered how it used to be when he was my replacement sun, the warmth that made my empty life livable. It had been a while since I'd thought of Jake that way, but here he was, warming me again.

"Please!" Edward hissed. "Do you mind!"

"What?" Jacob whispered back, his tone surprised.

"Do you think you could attempt to control your thoughts?" Edward's low whisper was furious.

"No one said you had to listen," Jacob muttered, defiant, yet still embarrassed. "Get out of my head."

"I wish I could. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like you're shouting them at me."

"I'll try to keep it down," Jacob whispered sarcastically.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Yes," Edward answered an unspoken thought in a murmur so low I barely made it out. "I'm jealous of that, too."

"I figured it was like that," Jacob whispered smugly. "Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?"

Edward chuckled. "In your dreams."

"You know, she could still change her mind," Jacob taunted him. "Considering all the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is."

"Go to sleep, Jacob," Edward murmured. "You're starting to get on my nerves."

"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable."

Edward didn't answer.

I was too far gone to ask them to stop talking about me like I wasn't there. The conversation had taken on a dreamlike quality to me, and I wasn't sure I was really awake.

"Maybe I would," Edward said after a moment, answering a question I hadn't heard.

"But would you be honest?"

"You can always ask and see." Edward's tone made me wonder if I was missing out on a joke.

"Well, you see inside my head - let me see inside yours tonight, it's only fair," Jacob said.

"Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to answer?"

"The jealousy . . . it has to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you have no emotions at all."

"Of course it is," Edward agreed, no longer amused. "Right now it's so bad that I can barely control my voice. Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."

"Do you think about it all the time?" Jacob whispered. "Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?"

"Yes and no," Edward said; he seemed determined to answer honestly. "My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm always able to think of you, always able to wonder if that's where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful."

They were both still for a minute.

"Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often," Edward murmured in response to Jacob's thoughts. "More often than I like. She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't use that."

"I have to use whatever I can," Jacob muttered. "I'm not working with your advantages - advantages like her knowing she's in love with you."

"That helps," Edward agreed in a mild tone.

Jacob was defiant. "She's in love with me, too, you know."

Edward didn't answer.

Jacob sighed. "But she doesn't know it."

"I can't tell you if you're right."

"Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?"

"Yes . . . and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy."

The wind ripped around the tent, shaking it like an earthquake. Jacob's arms tightened around me protectively.

"Thank you," Edward whispered. "Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob."

"You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?"

"It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"

Jacob's whisper was suddenly smug. "I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am."

"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesn't help your case, you know."

"You have more patience than I do."

"I should. I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for her."

"So . . . at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?"

"When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the . . . less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure."

"I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you."

Edward didn't answer right away. "That was a part of it," he finally admitted. "But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you - as safe as Bella ever is - it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."

Jacob sighed. "I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."

"I know." It sounded like Edward was smiling.

"You think you know everything," Jacob muttered.

"I don't know the future," Edward said, his voice suddenly unsure.

There was a long pause.

"What would you do if she changed her mind?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know that either."

Jacob chuckled quietly. "Would you try to kill me?" Sarcastic again, as if doubting Edward's ability to do it.

"No."

"Why not?" Jacob's tone was still jeering.

"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?"

Jacob hesitated for a second, and then sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes . . ."

"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea."

Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher. "Exactly," he eventually agreed.

What a strange dream this was. I wondered if it was the relentless wind that made me imagine all the whispering. Only the wind was screaming rather than whispering . . .

"What is it like? Losing her?" Jacob asked after a quiet moment, and there was no hint of humor in his suddenly hoarse voice. "When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?"

"That's very difficult for me to talk about."

Jacob waited.

"There were two different times that I thought that." Edward spoke each word just a little slower than normal. "The first time, when I thought I could leave her . . . that was . . . almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. It was getting close - I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win; I would have come back . . . just to check on her. That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy . . . I like to think that I could have gone away again.

"But she wasn't happy. And I would have stayed. That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me . . . what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left - what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway."

Jacob didn't respond for a moment, listening to the storm or digesting what he'd heard, I didn't know which.

"And the other time - when you thought she was dead?" Jacob whispered roughly.

"Yes." Edward answered a different question. "It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But that's who she'll be."

"That's not what I asked."

Edward's voice came back fast and hard. "I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words."

Jacob's arms flexed around me.

"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You want her to be human."

Edward spoke slowly. "Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me - if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a . . . living stone - hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back. . . .

"The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years - it would seem like a very, very short time to me. . . . But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us . . . waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.

"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both.

"What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants - at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but she's very . . . stubborn. You know that. I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday is in September. . . ."

"I like option one," Jacob muttered.

Edward didn't respond.

"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this," Jacob whispered slowly, "but I can see that you do love her . . . in your way. I can't argue with that anymore.

"Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March . . . and if you'd waited another six months to check on her. . . . Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan."

Edward chuckled. "Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan."

"Yeah." Jake sighed. "But . . . ," suddenly he was whispering so fast the words got tangled, "give me a year, bl - Edward. I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renée, and she could grow up, and have kids and . . . be Bella.

"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish . . . are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"

"I have considered it," Edward answered quietly. "In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live - forever - whichever comes first. . . .

"I even asked Alice if she could see that - see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't, of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now.

"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."

"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" Jacob challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."

"I would let her go."

"Just like that?"

"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."

Jacob snorted quietly. "Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect . . . Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."

"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do. . . . You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."

"Maybe . . . if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love . . . well, no, not even then."

Edward chuckled.

"Can I ask you something?" Edward said after a moment.

"Why would you have to ask?"

"I can only hear if you think of it. It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife . . . ?"

"What about it?"

Edward didn't answer, listening to the story in Jacob's head. I heard his low hiss in the darkness.

"What?" Jacob demanded again.

"Of course," Edward seethed. "Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves, Jacob."

"You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys?" Jacob mocked. "You know, they are. Then and now."

"I really couldn't care less about that part. Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?"

It took Jacob a minute. "Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point."

"She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it." He sighed. "That was the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."

"You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did."

"Neither side meant any harm," Edward whispered, peace-making now.

"And when does this little truce end?" Jacob asked. "First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?"

There was a pause as they both considered.

"First light," they whispered together, and then laughed quietly.

"Sleep well, Jacob," Edward murmured. "Enjoy the moment."

It was quiet again, and the tent held still for a few minutes. The wind seemed to have decided that it wasn't going to flatten us after all, and was giving up the fight.

Edward groaned softly. "I didn't mean that quite so literally."

"Sorry," Jacob whispered. "You could leave, you know - give us a little privacy."

"Would you like me to help you sleep, Jacob?" Edward offered.

"You could try," Jacob said, unconcerned. "It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?"

"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't that perfect."

Jacob whispered a laugh. "I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind."

Edward started humming to himself, louder than usual - trying to drown out Jacob's thoughts, I assumed. But it was my lullaby he hummed, and, despite my growing discomfort with this whispered dream, I sank deeper into unconsciousness . . . into other dreams that made better sense. . . .

Chapter 21. TRAILS

I HATED TO WASTE ANY PART OF THE NIGHT IN SLEEP, but that was inevitable. The sun was bright outside the window-wall when I woke, with small clouds scuttling too quickly across the sky. The wind rocked the treetops till the whole forest looked as if it was going to shake apart.

He left me alone to get dressed, and I appreciated the chance to think. Somehow, my plan for last night had gone horribly awry, and I needed come to grips with the consequences. Though I'd given back the hand- me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.

This shouldn't bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing - a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans - I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn't take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.

And then, when it was over, he'd have to fulfill his side of the bargain. I would concentrate on that, and forget the rest.

He said I didn't have to tell anyone, and I was planning to hold him to that. Of course, it was very stupid of me not to think of Alice.

The Cullens got home around noon. There was a new, businesslike feel to the atmosphere around them, and it pulled me back into the enormity of what was coming.

Alice seemed to be in an unusually bad mood. I chalked it up to her frustration with feeling normal, because her first words to Edward were a complaint about working with the wolves.

"I think" - she made a face as she used the uncertain word - "that you're going to want to pack for cold weather, Edward. I can't see where you are exactly, because you're taking off with that dog this afternoon. But the storm that's coming seems particularly bad in that general area."

Edward nodded.

"It's going to snow on the mountains," she warned him.

"Ew, snow," I muttered to myself. It was June, for crying out loud.

"Wear a jacket," Alice told me. Her voice was unfriendly, and that surprised me. I tried to read her face, but she turned away.

I looked at Edward, and he was smiling; whatever was bugging Alice amused him.

Edward had more than enough camping gear to choose from - props in the human charade; the Cullens were good customers at the Newton's store. He grabbed a down sleeping bag, a small tent, and several packets of dehydrated food - grinning when I made a face at them - and stuffed them all in a backpack.

Alice wandered into the garage while we were there, watching Edward's preparations without a word. He ignored her.

When he was done packing, Edward handed me his phone. "Why don't you call Jacob and tell him we'll be ready for him in an hour or so. He knows where to meet us."

Jacob wasn't home, but Billy promised to call around until he could find an available werewolf to pass the news to.

"Don't you worry about Charlie, Bella," Billy said. "I've got my part of this under control."

"Yeah, I know Charlie'll be fine." I didn't feel so confident about his son's safety, but I didn't add that.

"I wish I could be with the rest of them tomorrow." Billy chuckled regretfully. "Being an old man is a hardship, Bella."

The urge to fight must be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.

"Have fun with Charlie."

"Good luck, Bella," he answered. "And . . . pass that along to the, er, Cullens for me."

"I will," I promised, surprised by the gesture.

As I gave the phone back to Edward, I saw that he and Alice were having some kind of silent discussion. She was staring at him, pleading in her eyes. He was frowning back, unhappy with whatever she wanted.

"Billy said to tell you 'good luck.'"

"That was generous of him," Edward said, breaking away from her.

"Bella, could I please speak to you alone?" Alice asked swiftly.

"You're about to make my life harder than it needs to be, Alice," Edward warned her through his teeth.

"I'd really rather you didn't."

"This isn't about you, Edward," she shot back.

He laughed. Something about her response was funny to him.

"It's not," Alice insisted. "This is a female thing."

He frowned.

"Let her talk to me," I told him. I was curious.

"You asked for it," he muttered. He laughed again - half angry, half amused - and strode out of the garage.

I turned to Alice, worried now, but she didn't look at me. Her bad mood hadn't passed yet.

She went to sit on the hood of her Porsche, her face dejected. I followed, and leaned against the bumper beside her.

"Bella?" Alice asked in a sad voice, shifting over and curling up against my side. Her voice sounded so miserable that I wrapped my arms around her shoulders in comfort.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"Don't you love me?" she asked in that same sad tone.

"Of course I do. You know that."

"Then why do I see you sneaking off to Vegas to get married without inviting me?"

"Oh," I muttered, my cheeks turning pink. I could see that I had seriously hurt her feelings, and I hurried to defend myself. "You know how I hate to make a big deal out of things. It was Edward's idea, anyway."

"I don't care whose idea it was. How could you do this to me? I expect that kind of thing from Edward, but not from you. I love you like you were my own sister."

"To me, Alice, you are my sister."

"Words!" she growled.

"Fine, you can come. There won't be much to see."

She was still grimacing.

"What?" I demanded.

"How much do you love me, Bella?"

"Why?"

She stared at me with pleading eyes, her long black eyebrows slanting up in the middle and pulling together, her lips trembling at the corners. It was a heart-breaking expression.

"Please, please, please," she whispered. "Please, Bella, please - if you really love me . . . Please let me do your wedding."

"Aw, Alice!" I groaned, pulling away and standing up. "No! Don't do this to me."

"If you really, truly love me, Bella."

I folded my arms across my chest. "That is so unfair. And Edward kind of already used that one on me."

"I'll bet Edward would like it better if you did this traditionally, though he'd never tell you that. And Esme - think what it would mean to her!"

I groaned. "I'd rather face the newborns alone."

"I'll owe you for a decade."

"You'd owe me for a century!"

Her eyes glowed. "Is that a yes?"

"No! I don't want to do this!"

"You won't have to do anything but walk a few yards and then repeat after the minister."

"Ugh! Ugh, ugh!"

"Please?" She started bouncing in place. "Please, please, please, please, please?"

"I'll never, never ever forgive you for this, Alice."

"Yay!" she squealed, clapping her hands together.

"That's not a yes!"

"But it will be," she sang.

"Edward!" I yelled, stalking out of the garage. "I know you're listening. Get over here." Alice was right behind me, still clapping.

"Thanks so much, Alice," Edward said acidly, coming from behind me. I turned to let him have it, but his expression was so worried and upset that I couldn't speak my complaints. I threw my arms around him instead, hiding my face, just in case the angry moisture in my eyes made it look like I was crying.

"Vegas," Edward promised in my ear.

"Not a chance," Alice gloated. "Bella would never do that to me. You know, Edward, as a brother, you are sometimes a disappointment."

"Don't be mean," I grumbled at her. "He's trying to make me happy, unlike you."

"I'm trying to make you happy, too, Bella. It's just that I know better what will make you happy . . . in the long run. You'll thank me for this. Maybe not for fifty years, but definitely someday."

"I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be willing to take a bet against you, Alice, but it has arrived."

She laughed her silvery laugh. "So, are you going to show me the ring?"

I grimaced in horror as she grabbed my left hand and then dropped it just as quickly.

"Huh. I saw him put it on you. . . . Did I miss something?" she asked. She concentrated for half a second, furrowing her brow, before she answered her own questions. "No. Wedding's still on."

"Bella has issues with jewelry," Edward explained.

"What's one more diamond? Well, I guess the ring has lots of diamonds, but my point is that he's already got one on -"

"Enough, Alice!" Edward cut her off suddenly. The way he glared at her . . . he looked like a vampire again. "We're in a hurry."

"I don't understand. What's that about diamonds?" I asked.

"We'll talk about it later," Alice said. "Edward is right - you'd better get going. You've got to set a trap and make camp before the storm comes." She frowned, and her expression was anxious, almost nervous. "Don't forget your coat, Bella. It seems . . . unseasonably cold."

"I've already got it," Edward assured her.

"Have a nice night," she told us in farewell.

It was twice as far to the clearing as usual; Edward took a long detour, making sure my scent would be nowhere near the trail Jacob would hide later. He carried me in his arms, the bulky backpack in my usual spot.

He stopped at the farthest end of the clearing and set me on my feet.

"All right. Just walk north for a ways, touching as much as you can. Alice gave me a clear picture of their path, and it won't take long for us to intersect it."

"North?"

He smiled and pointed out the right direction.

I wandered into the woods, leaving the clear yellow light of the strangely sunny day in the clearing behind me. Maybe Alice's blurred sight would be wrong about the snow. I hoped so. The sky was mostly clear, though the wind whipped furiously through the open spaces. In the trees it was calmer, but much too cold for June - even in a long-sleeved shirt with a thick sweater over the top, there were goose bumps on my arms. I walked slowly, trailingmy fingers over anything close enough: the rough tree bark, the wet ferns, the moss- covered rocks.

Edward stayed with me, walking a parallel line about twenty yards away.

"Am I doing this right?" I called.

"Perfectly."

I had an idea. "Will this help?" I asked as I ran my fingers through my hair and caught a few loose strands. I draped them over the ferns.

"Yes, that does make the trail stronger. But you don't need to pull your hair out, Bella. It will be fine."

"I've got a few extras I can spare."

It was gloomy under the trees, and I wished I could walk closer to Edward and hold his hand.

I wedged another hair into a broken branch that cut through my path.

"You don't need to let Alice have her way, you know," Edward said.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. I'm not going to leave you at the altar, regardless." I had a sinking feeling that Alice was going to get her way, mostly because she was totally unscrupulous when there was something she wanted, and also because I was a sucker for guilt trips.

"That's not what I'm worried about. I want this to be what you want it to be."

I repressed a sigh. It would hurt his feelings if I told the truth - that it didn't really matter, because it was all just varying degrees of awful anyway.

"Well, even if she does get her way, we can keep it small. Just us. Emmett can get a clerical license off the Internet."

I giggled. "That does sound better." It wouldn't feel very official if Emmett read the vows, which was a plus. But I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face.

"See," he said with a smile. "There's always a compromise."

It took a while for me to reach the spot where the newborn army would be certain to cross my trail, but Edward never got impatient with my pace.

He had to lead a bit more on the way back, to keep me on the same path. It all looked alike to me.

We were almost to the clearing when I fell. I could see the wide opening ahead, and that's probably why I got too eager and forgot to watch my feet. I caught myself before my head bashed into the nearest tree, but a small branch snapped off under my left hand and gouged into my palm.

"Ouch! Oh, fabulous," I muttered.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Stay where you are. I'm bleeding. It will stop in a minute."

He ignored me. He was right there before I could finish.

"I've got a first aid kit," he said, pulling off the backpack. "I had a feeling I might need it."

"It's not bad. I can take care of it - you don't have to make yourself uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable," he said calmly. "Here - let me clean it."

"Wait a second, I just got another idea."

Without looking at the blood and breathing through my mouth, just in case my stomach might react, I pressed my hand against a rock within my reach.

"What are you doing?"

"Jasper will love this," I muttered to myself. I started for the clearing again, pressing my palm against everything in my path. "I'll bet this really gets them going."

Edward sighed.

"Hold your breath," I told him.

"I'm fine. I just think you're going overboard."

"This is all I get to do. I want to do a good job."

We broke through the last of the trees as I spoke. I let my injured hand graze across the ferns.

"Well, you have," Edward assured me. "The newborns will be frantic, and Jasper will be very impressed with your dedication. Now let me treat your hand - you've gotten the cut dirty."

"Let me do it, please."

He took my hand and smiled as he examined it. "This doesn't bother me anymore."

I watched him carefully as he cleaned the gash, looking for some sign of distress. He continued to breathe evenly in and out, the same small smile on his lips.

"Why not?" I finally asked as he smoothed a bandage across my palm.

He shrugged. "I got over it."

"You . . . got over it? When? How?" I tried to remember the last time he'd held his breath around me. All I could think of was my wretched birthday party last September.

Edward pursed his lips, seeming to search for the words. "I lived through an entire twenty-four hours thinking that you were dead, Bella. That changed the way I look at a lot of things."

"Did it change the way I smell to you?"

"Not at all. But . . . having experienced the way it feels to think I've lost you . . . my reactions have changed. My entire being shies away from any course that could inspire that kind of pain again."

I didn't know what to say to that.

He smiled at my expression. "I guess that you could call it a very educational experience."

The wind tore through the clearing then, lashing my hair around my face and making me shiver.

"All right," he said, reaching into his pack again. "You've done your part." He pulled out my heavy winter jacket and held it out for me to slide my arms in. "Now it's out of our hands. Let's go camping!"

I laughed at the mock enthusiasm in his voice.

He took my bandaged hand - the other was in worse shape, still in the brace - and started toward the other side of the clearing.

"Where are we meeting Jacob?" I asked.

"Right here." He gestured to the trees in front of us just as Jacob stepped warily from their shadows.

It shouldn't have surprised me to see him human. I wasn't sure why I'd been looking for the big red- brown wolf.

Jacob seemed bigger again - no doubt a product of my expectations; I must have unconsciously been hoping to see the smaller Jacob from my memory, the easygoing friend who hadn't made everything so difficult. He had his arms folded across his bare chest, a jacket clutched in one fist. His face was expressionless as he watched us.

Edward's lips pulled down at the corners. "There had to have been a better way to do this."

"Too late now," I muttered glumly.

He sighed.

"Hey, Jake," I greeted him when we got closer.

"Hi, Bella."

"Hello, Jacob," Edward said.

Jacob ignored the pleasantry, all business. "Where do I take her?"

Edward pulled a map from a side pocket on the pack and offered it to him. Jacob unfolded it.

"We're here now," Edward said, reaching over to touch the right spot. Jacob recoiled from his hand automatically, and then steadied himself. Edward pretended not to notice.

"And you're taking her up here," Edward continued, tracing a serpentine pattern around the elevation lines on the paper. "Roughly nine miles."

Jacob nodded once.

"When you're about a mile away, you should cross my path. That will lead you in. Do you need the map?"

"No, thanks. I know this area pretty well. I think I know where I'm going."

Jacob seemed to have to work harder than Edward to keep the tone polite.

"I'll take a longer route," Edward said. "And I'll see you in a few hours."

Edward stared at me unhappily. He didn't like this part of the plan.

"See you," I murmured.

Edward faded into the trees, heading in the opposite direction.

As soon as he was gone, Jacob turned cheerful.

"What's up, Bella?" he asked with a big grin.

I rolled my eyes. "Same old, same old."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Bunch of vampires trying to kill you. The usual."

"The usual."

"Well," he said as he shrugged into his jacket to free his arms. "Let's get going."

Making a face, I took a small step closer to him.

He bent down and swept his arm behind my knees, knocking them out from under me. His other arm caught me before my head hit the ground.

"Jerk," I muttered.

Jacob chuckled, already running through the trees. He kept a steady pace, a brisk jog that a fit human could keep up with . . . across a level plane . . . if they weren't burdened with a hundred-plus pounds as he was.

"You don't have to run. You'll get tired."

"Running doesn't make me tired," he said. His breathing was even - like the fixed tempo of a marathoner. "Besides, it will be colder soon. I hope he gets the camp set up before we get there."

I tapped my finger against the thick padding of his parka. "I thought you didn't get cold now."

"I don't. I brought this for you, just in case you weren't prepared." He looked at my jacket, almost as if he were disappointed that I was. "I don't like the way the weather feels. It's making me edgy. Notice how we haven't seen any animals?"

"Um, not really."

"I guess you wouldn't. Your senses are too dull."

I let that pass. "Alice was worried about the storm, too."

"It takes a lot to silence the forest this way. You picked a hell of a night for a camping trip."

"It wasn't entirely my idea."

The pathless way he took began to climb more and more steeply, but it didn't slow him down. He leapt easily from rock to rock, not seeming to need his hands at all. His perfect balance reminded me of a mountain goat.

"What's with the addition to your bracelet?" he asked.

I looked down, and realized that the crystal heart was facing up on my wrist.

I shrugged guiltily. "Another graduation present."

He snorted. "A rock. Figures."

A rock? I was suddenly reminded of Alice's unfinished sentence outside the garage. I stared at the bright white crystal and tried to remember what Alice had been saying before . . . about diamonds. Could she have been trying to say he's already got one on you? As in, I was already wearing one diamond from Edward? No, that was impossible. The heart would have to be five carats or something crazy like that! Edward wouldn't -

"So it's been a while since you came down to La Push," Jacob said, interrupting my disturbing conjectures.

"I've been busy," I told him. "And . . . I probably wouldn't have visited, anyway."

He grimaced. "I thought you were supposed to be the forgiving one, and I was the grudge-holder."

I shrugged.

"Been thinking about that last time a lot, have you?"

"Nope."

He laughed. "Either you're lying, or you are the stubbornest person alive."

"I don't know about the second part, but I'm not lying."

I didn't like having this conversation under the present conditions - with his too-warm arms wrapped tightly around me and nothing at all I could do about it. His face was closer than I wanted it to be. I wished I could take a step back.

"A smart person looks at all sides of a decision."

"I have," I retorted.

"If you haven't thought at all about our . . . er, conversation the last time you came over, then that's not true."

"That conversation isn't relevant to my decision."

"Some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves."

"I've noticed that werewolves in particular are prone to that mistake - do you think it's a genetic thing?"

"Does that mean that he's a better kisser that I am?" Jacob asked, suddenly glum.

"I really couldn't say, Jake. Edward is the only person I've ever kissed."

"Besides me."

"But I don't count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault."

"Ouch! That's cold."

I shrugged. I wasn't going to take it back.

"I did apologize about that," he reminded me.

"And I forgave you . . . mostly. It doesn't change the way I remember it."

He muttered something unintelligible.

It was quiet then for a while; there was just the sound of his measured breathing and the wind roaring high above us in the treetops. A cliff face rose sheer beside us, bare, rough gray stone. We followed the base as it curved upward out of the forest.

"I still think it's pretty irresponsible," Jacob suddenly said.

"Whatever you're talking about, you're wrong."

"Think about it, Bella. According to you, you've kissed just one person - who isn't even really a person - in your whole life, and you're calling it quits? How do you know that's what you want? Shouldn't you play the field a little?"

I kept my voice cool. "I know exactly what I want."

"Then it couldn't hurt to double check. Maybe you should try kissing someone else - just for comparison's sake . . . since what happened the other day doesn't count. You could kiss me, for example. I don't mind if you want to use me to experiment."

He pulled me tighter against his chest, so that my face was closer to his. He was smiling at his joke, but I wasn't taking any chances.

"Don't mess with me, Jake. I swear I won't stop him if he wants to break your jaw."

The panicky edge to my voice made him smile wider. "If you ask me to kiss you, he won't have any reason to get upset. He said that was fine."

"Don't hold your breath, Jake - no, wait, I changed my mind. Go right ahead. Just hold your breath until I ask you to kiss me."

"You're in a bad mood today."

"I wonder why?"

"Sometimes I think you like me better as a wolf."

"Sometimes I do. It probably has something to do with the way you can't talk."

He pursed his broad lips thoughtfully. "No, I don't think that's it. I think it's easier for you to be near me when I'm not human, because you don't have to pretend that you're not attracted to me."

My mouth fell open with a little popping sound. I snapped it shut at once, grinding my teeth together.

He heard that. His lips pulled tightly across his face in a triumphant smile.

I took a slow breath before I spoke. "No. I'm pretty sure it's because you can't talk."

He sighed. "Do you ever get tired of lying to yourself? You have to know how aware you are of me. Physically, I mean."

"How could anyone not be aware of you physically, Jacob?" I demanded. "You're an enormous monster who refuses to respect anyone else's personal space."

"I make you nervous. But only when I'm human. When I'm a wolf, you're more comfortable around me."

"Nervousness and irritation are not the same thing."

He stared at me for a minute, slowing to a walk, the amusement draining from his face. His eyes narrowed, turned black in the shadow of his brows. His breathing, so regular as he ran, started to accelerate. Slowly, he leaned his face closer to mine.

I stared him down, knowing exactly what he was trying to do.

"It's your face," I reminded him.

He laughed loudly and started jogging again. "I don't really want to fight with your vampire tonight - I mean, any other night, sure. But we both have a job to do tomorrow, and I wouldn't want to leave the Cullens one short."

The sudden, unexpected swell of shame distorted my expression.

"I know, I know," he responded, not understanding. "You think he could take me."

I couldn't speak. I was leaving them one short. What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? But what if I was brave and Edward . . . I couldn't even think it.

"What's the matter with you, Bella?" The joking bravado vanished from his face, revealing my Jacob underneath, like pulling a mask away. "If something I said upset you, you know I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything - hey, are you okay? Don't cry, Bella," he pled.

I tried to pull myself together. "I'm not going to cry."

"What did I say?"

"It's nothing you said. It's just, well, it's me. I did something . . . bad."

He stared at me, his eyes wide with confusion.

"Edward isn't going to fight tomorrow," I whispered the explanation. "I'm making him stay with me. I am a huge coward."

He frowned. "You think this isn't going to work? That they'll find you here? Do you know something I don't know?"

"No, no. I'm not afraid of that. I just . . . I can't let him go. If he didn't come back . . ." I shuddered, closing my eyes to escape the thought.

Jacob was quiet.

I kept whispering, my eyes shut. "If anyone gets hurt, it will always be my fault. And even if no one does . . . I was horrible. I had to be, to convince him to stay with me. He won't hold it against me, but I'll always know what I'm capable of." I felt just a tiny bit better, getting this off my chest. Even if I could only confess it to Jacob.

He snorted. My eyes opened slowly, and I was sad to see that the hard mask was back.

"I can't believe he let you talk him out of going. I wouldn't miss this for anything."

I sighed. "I know."

"That doesn't mean anything, though." He was suddenly backtracking. "That doesn't mean that he loves you more than I do."

"But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged."

He pursed his lips for a moment, and I wondered if he would try to deny it. We both knew the truth.

"That's only because I know you better," he said at last. "Everything's going to go without a hitch. Even if you'd asked and I'd said no, you wouldn't be mad at me afterwards."

"If everything does go without a hitch, you're probably right. I wouldn't be mad. But the whole time you're gone, I'll be sick with worry, Jake. Crazy with it."

"Why?" he asked gruffly. "Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?"

"Don't say that. You know how much you mean to me. I'm sorry it's not in the way you want, but that's just how it is. You're my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are . . . when you let your guard down."

He smiled the old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Even when I don't . . . behave as well as I should. Underneath, I'm always in here."

"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"

He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. "When are you finally going to figure out that you're in love with me, too?"

"Leave it to you to ruin the moment."

"I'm not saying you don't love him. I'm not stupid. But it's possible to love more than one person at a time, Bella. I've seen it in action."

"I'm not some freaky werewolf, Jacob."

He wrinkled his nose, and I was about to apologize for that last jab, but he changed the subject.

"We're not far now, I can smell him."

I sighed in relief.

He misinterpreted my meaning. "I'd happily slow down, Bella, but you're going to want to be under shelter before that hits."

We both looked up at the sky.

A solid wall of purple-black cloud was racing in from the west, blackening the forest beneath it as it came.

"Wow," I muttered. "You'd better hurry, Jake. You'll want to get home before it gets here."

"I'm not going home."

I glared at him, exasperated. "You're not camping with us."

"Not technically - as in, sharing your tent or anything. I prefer the storm to the smell. But I'm sure your bloodsucker will want to keep in touch with the pack for coordination purposes, and so I will graciously provide that service."

"I thought that was Seth's job."

"He'll take over tomorrow, during the fight."

The reminder silenced me for a second. I stared at him, worry springing up again with sudden fierceness. "I don't suppose there's any way you'd just stay since you're already here?" I suggested. "If I did beg? Or trade back the lifetime of servitude or something?"

"Tempting, but no. Then again, the begging might be interesting to see. You can give it a go if you like."

"There's really nothing, nothing at all I can say?"

"Nope. Not unless you can promise me a better fight. Anyway, Sam's calling the shots, not me."

That reminded me.

"Edward told me something the other day . . . about you."

He bristled. "It's probably a lie."

"Oh, really? You aren't second in command of the pack, then?"

He blinked, his face going blank with surprise. "Oh. That."

"How come you never told me that?"

"Why would I? It's no big thing."

"I don't know. Why not? It's interesting. So, how does that work? How did Sam end up as the Alpha, and you as the . . . the Beta?"

Jacob chuckled at my invented term. "Sam was the first, the oldest. It made sense for him to take charge."

I frowned. "But shouldn't Jared or Paul be second, then? They were the next to change."

"Well . . . it's hard to explain," Jacob said evasively.

"Try."

He sighed. "It's more about the lineage, you know? Sort of old-fashioned. Why should it matter who your grandpa was, right?"

I remembered something Jacob had told me a long time ago, before either of us had known anything about werewolves.

"Didn't you say that Ephraim Black was the last chief the Quileutes had?"

"Yeah, that's right. Because he was the Alpha. Did you know that, technically, Sam's the chief of the whole tribe now?" He laughed. "Crazy traditions."

I thought about that for a second, trying to make all the pieces fit. "But you also said that people listened to your dad more than anyone else on the council, because he was Ephraim's grandson?"

"What about it?"

"Well, if it's about the lineage . . . shouldn't you be the chief, then?"

Jacob didn't answer me. He stared into the darkening forest, as if he suddenly needed to concentrate on where he was going.

"Jake?"

"No. That's Sam's job." He kept his eyes on our pathless course.

"Why? His great-granddad was Levi Uley, right? Was Levi an Alpha, too?"

"There's only one Alpha," he answered automatically.

"So what was Levi?"

"Sort of a Beta, I guess." He snorted at my term. "Like me."

"That doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't matter."

"I just want to understand."

Jacob finally met my confused gaze, and then sighed. "Yeah. I was supposed to be the Alpha."

My eyebrows pulled together. "Sam didn't want to step down?"

"Hardly. I didn't want to step up."

"Why not?"

He frowned, uncomfortable with my questions. Well, it was his turn to feel uncomfortable.

"I didn't want any of it, Bella. I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to be some legendary chief. I didn't want to be part of a pack of werewolves, let alone their leader. I wouldn't take it when Sam offered."

I thought about this for a long moment. Jacob didn't interrupt. He stared into the forest again.

"But I thought you were happier. That you were okay with this," I finally whispered.

Jacob smiled down at me reassuringly. "Yeah. It's really not so bad. Exciting sometimes, like with this thing tomorrow. But at first it sort of felt like being drafted into a war you didn't know existed. There was no choice, you know? And it was so final." He shrugged. "Anyway, I guess I'm glad now. It has to be done, and could I trust someone else to get it right? It's better to make sure myself."

I stared at him, feeling an unexpected kind of awe for my friend. He was more of a grown-up than I'd ever given him credit for. Like with Billy the other night at the bonfire, there was a majesty here that I'd never suspected.

"Chief Jacob," I whispered, smiling at the way the words sounded together.

He rolled his eyes.

Just then, the wind shook more fiercely through the trees around us, and it felt like it was blowing straight off a glacier. The sharp sound of wood cracking echoed off the mountain. Though the light was vanishing as the grisly cloud covered the sky, I could still see the little white specks that fluttered past us.

Jacob stepped up the pace, keeping his eyes on the ground now as he flat out sprinted. I curled more willingly against his chest, recoiling from the unwelcome snow.

It was only minutes later that he dashed around to the lee side of the stony peak and we could see the little tent nestled up against the sheltering face. More flurries were falling around us, but the wind was too fierce to let them settle anywhere.

"Bella!" Edward called out in acute relief. We'd caught him in the middle of pacing back and forth across the little open space.

He flashed to my side, sort of blurring as he moved so swiftly. Jacob cringed, and then set me on my feet. Edward ignored his reaction and caught me in a tight hug.

"Thank you," Edward said over my head. His tone was unmistakably sincere. "That was quicker than I expected, and I truly appreciate it."

I twisted to see Jacob's response.

Jacob merely shrugged, all the friendliness wiped clean from his face. "Get her inside. This is going to be bad - my hair's standing up on my scalp. Is that tent secure?"

"I all but welded it to the rock."

"Good."

Jacob looked up at the sky - now black with the storm, sprinkled with the swirling bits of snow. His nostrils flared.

"I'm going to change," he said. "I want to know what's going on back home."

He hung his jacket on a low, stubby branch, and walked into the murky forest without a backward glance.

Chapter 20. COMPROMISE

EVERYTHING WAS READY.

I was packed for my two-day visit with "Alice," and my bag waited for me on the passenger seat of my truck. I'd given the concert tickets to Angela, Ben, and Mike. Mike was going to take Jessica, which was exactly as I'd hoped. Billy had borrowed Old Quil Ateara's boat and invited Charlie down for some open sea fishing before the afternoon game started. Collin and Brady, the two youngest werewolves, were staying behind to protect La Push - though they were just children, both of them only thirteen. Still, Charlie would be safer than anyone left in Forks.

I had done all that I could do. I tried to accept that, and put the things that were outside of my control out of my head, for tonight at least. One way or another, this would all be over in forty-eight hours. The thought was almost comforting.

Edward had requested that I relax, and I was going to do my best.

"For this one night, could we try to forget everything besides just you and me?" he'd pleaded, unleashing the full force of his eyes on me. "It seems like I can never get enough time like that. I need to be with you. Just you."

That was not a hard request to agree to, though I knew that forgetting my fears would be much easier said than done. Other matters were on my mind now, knowing that we had this night to be alone, and that would help.

There were some things that had changed.

For instance, I was ready.

I was ready to join his family and his world. The fear and guilt and anguish I was feeling now had taught me that much. I'd had a chance to concentrate on this - as I'd gazed at the moon through the clouds and rested against a werewolf - and I knew I would not panic again. The next time something came at us, I would be ready. An asset, not a liability. He would never have to make the choice between me and his family again. We would be partners, like Alice and Jasper. Next time, I would do my part.

I would wait for the sword to be removed from over my head, so that Edward would be satisfied. But it wasn't necessary. I was ready.

There was only one missing piece.

One piece, because there were some things that had not changed, and that included the desperate way I loved him. I'd had plenty of time to think through the ramifications of Jasper and Emmett's bet - to figure out the things I was willing to lose with my humanity, and the part that I was not willing to give up. I knew which human experience I was going to insist on before I became inhuman.

So we had some things to work out tonight. After everything I'd seen in the past two years, I didn't believe in the word impossible anymore. It was going to take more than that to stop me now.

Okay, well, honestly, it was probably going to be much more complicated than that. But I was going to try.

As decided as I was, I wasn't surprised that I still felt nervous as I drove down the long path to his house - I didn't know how to do what I was trying to do, and that guaranteed me some serious jitters. He sat in the passenger seat, fighting a smile at my slow pace. I was surprised that he hadn't insisted on taking the wheel, but tonight he seemed content to go at my speed.

It was after dark when we reached the house. In spite of that, the meadow was bright in the light shining from every window.

As soon as I cut the engine he was at my door, opening it for me. He lifted me from the cab with one arm, slinging my bag out of the truck bed and over his shoulder with the other. His lips found mine as I heard him kick the truck's door shut behind me.

Without breaking the kiss, he swung me up so that I was cradled in his arms and carried me into the house.

Was the front door already open? I didn't know. We were inside, though, and I was dizzy. I had to remind myself to breathe.

This kissing did not frighten me. It wasn't like before when I could feel the fear and panic leaking through his control. His lips were not anxious, but enthusiastic now - he seemed as thrilled as I was that we had tonight to concentrate on being together. He continued to kiss me for several minutes, standing there in the entry; he seemed less guarded than usual, his mouth cold and urgent on mine.

I began to feel cautiously optimistic. Perhaps getting what I wanted would not be as difficult as I'd expected it to be.

No, of course it was going to be just exactly that difficult.

With a low chuckle, he pulled me away, holding me at arm's length.

"Welcome home," he said, his eyes liquid and warm.

"That sounds nice," I said, breathless.

He set me gently on my feet. I wrapped both my arms around him, refusing to allow any space between us.

"I have something for you," he said, his tone conversational.

"Oh?"

"Your hand-me-down, remember? You said that was allowable."

"Oh, that's right. I guess I did say that."

He chuckled at my reluctance.

"It's up in my room. Shall I go get it?"

His bedroom? "Sure," I agreed, feeling quite devious as I wound my fingers through his. "Let's go."

He must have been eager to give me my non-present, because human velocity was not fast enough for him. He scooped me up again and nearly flew up the stairs to his room. He set me down at the door, and darted into his closet.

He was back before I'd taken a step, but I ignored him and went to the huge gold bed, plopping down on the edge and then sliding to the center. I curled up in a ball, my arms wrapped around my knees.

"Okay," I grumbled. Now that I was where I wanted to be, I could afford a little reluctance. "Let me have it."

Edward laughed.

He climbed onto the bed to sit next to me, and my heart thumped unevenly. Hopefully he would write that off as some reaction to him giving me presents.

"A hand-me-down," he reminded me sternly. He pulled my left wrist away from my leg, and touched the silver bracelet for just a moment. Then he gave me my arm back.

I examined it cautiously. On the opposite side of the chain from the wolf, there now hung a brilliant heart- shaped crystal. It was cut in a million facets, so that even in the subdued light shining from the lamp, it sparkled. I inhaled in a low gasp.

"It was my mother's." He shrugged deprecatingly. "I inherited quite a few baubles like this. I've given some to Esme and Alice both. So, clearly, this is not a big deal in any way."

I smiled ruefully at his assurance.

"But I thought it was a good representation," he continued. "It's hard and cold." He laughed. "And it throws rainbows in the sunlight."

"You forgot the most important similarity," I murmured. "It's beautiful."

"My heart is just as silent," he mused. "And it, too, is yours."

I twisted my wrist so the heart would glimmer. "Thank you. For both."

"No, thank you. It's a relief to have you accept a gift so easily. Good practice for you, too." He grinned, flashing his teeth.

I leaned into him, ducking my head under his arm and cuddling into his side. It probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo's David, except that this perfect marble creature wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.

It seemed like a good place to start.

"Can we discuss something? I'd appreciate it if you could begin by being open-minded."

He hesitated for a moment. "I'll give it my best effort," he agreed, cautious now.

"I'm not breaking any rules here," I promised. "This is strictly about you and me." I cleared my throat. "So . . . I was impressed by how well we were able to compromise the other night. I was thinking I would like to apply the same principle to a different situation." I wondered why I was being so formal. Must be the nerves.

"What would you like to negotiate?" he asked, a smile in his voice.

I struggled, trying to find exactly the right words to open with.

"Listen to your heart fly," he murmured. "It's fluttering like a hummingbird's wings. Are you all right?"

"I'm great."

"Please go on then," he encouraged.

"Well, I guess, first, I wanted to talk to you about that whole ridiculous marriage condition thing."

"It's only ridiculous to you. What about it?"

"I was wondering . . . is that open to negotiation?"

Edward frowned, serious now. "I've already made the largest concession by far and away - I've agreed to take your life away against my better judgment. And that ought to entitle me to a few compromises on your part."

"No." I shook my head, focusing on keeping my face composed. "That part's a done deal. We're not discussing my . . . renovations right now. I want to hammer out some other details."

He looked at me suspiciously. "Which details do you mean exactly?"

I hesitated. "Let's clarify your prerequisites first."

"You know what I want."

"Matrimony." I made it sound like a dirty word.

"Yes." He smiled a wide smile. "To start with."

The shock spoiled my carefully composed expression. "There's more?"

"Well," he said, and his face was calculating. "If you're my wife, then what's mine is yours . . . like tuition money. So there would be no problem with Dartmouth."

"Anything else? While you're already being absurd?"

"I wouldn't mind some time."

"No. No time. That's a deal breaker right there."

He sighed longingly. "Just a year or two?"

I shook my head, my lips set in a stubborn frown. "Move along to the next one."

"That's it. Unless you'd like to talk cars . . ."

He grinned widely when I grimaced, then took my hand and began playing with my fingers.

"I didn't realize there was anything else you wanted besides being transformed into a monster yourself. I'm extremely curious." His voice was low and soft. The slight edge would have been hard to detect if I hadn't known it so well.

I paused, staring at his hand on mine. I still didn't know how to begin. I felt his eyes watching me and I was afraid to look up. The blood began to burn in my face.

His cool fingers brushed my cheek. "You're blushing?" he asked in surprise. I kept my eyes down.

"Please, Bella, the suspense is painful."

I bit my lip.

"Bella." His tone reproached me now, reminded me that it was hard for him when I kept my thoughts to myself.

"Well, I'm a little worried . . . about after," I admitted, finally looking at him.

I felt his body tense, but his voice was gentle and velvet. "What has you worried?"

"All of you just seem so convinced that the only thing I'm going to be interested in, afterward, is slaughtering everyone in town," I confessed, while he winced at my choice of words. "And I'm afraid I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem that I won't be me anymore . . . and that I won't . . . I won't want you the same way I do now."

"Bella, that part doesn't last forever," he assured me.

He was missing the point.

"Edward," I said, nervous, staring at a freckle on my wrist. "There's something that I want to do before I'm not human anymore."

He waited for me to continue. I didn't. My face was all hot.

"Whatever you want," he encouraged, anxious and completely clueless.

"Do you promise?" I muttered, knowing my attempt to trap him with his words was not going to work, but unable to resist.

"Yes," he said. I looked up to see that his eyes were earnest and confused. "Tell me what you want, and you can have it."

I couldn't believe how awkward and idiotic I felt. I was too innocent - which was, of course, central to the discussion. I didn't have the faintest idea how to be seductive. I would just have to settle for flushed and self-conscious.

"You," I mumbled almost incoherently.

"I'm yours." He smiled, still oblivious, trying to hold my gaze as I looked away again.

I took a deep breath and shifted forward so that I was kneeling on the bed. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

He kissed me back, bewildered but willing. His lips were gentle against mine, and I could tell his mind was elsewhere - trying to figure out what was on my mind. I decided he needed a hint.

My hands were slightly shaky as I unlocked my arms from around his neck. My fingers slid down his neck to the collar of his shirt. The trembling didn't help as I tried to hurry to undo the buttons before he stopped me. His lips froze, and I could almost hear the click in his head as he put together my words and my actions.

He pushed me away at once, his face heavily disapproving.

"Be reasonable, Bella."

"You promised - whatever I wanted," I reminded him without hope.

"We're not having this discussion." He glared at me while he refastened the two buttons I'd managed to open.

My teeth clamped together.

"I say we are," I growled. I moved my hands to my blouse and yanked open the top button.

He grabbed my wrists and pinned them to my sides.

"I say we're not," he said flatly.

We glowered at each other.

"You wanted to know," I pointed out.

"I thought it would be something faintly realistic."

"So you can ask for any stupid, ridiculous thing you want - like getting married - but I'm not allowed to even discuss what I -"

While I was ranting, he pulled my hands together to restrain them in just one of his, and put his other hand over my mouth.

"No." His face was hard.

I took a deep breath to steady myself. And, as the anger began to fade, I felt something else.

It took me a minute to recognize why I was staring down again, the blush returning - why my stomach felt uneasy, why there was too much moisture in my eyes, why I suddenly wanted to run from the room.

Rejection washed through me, instinctive and strong.

I knew it was irrational. He'd been very clear on other occasions that my safety was the only factor. Yet I'd never made myself quite so vulnerable before. I scowled at the golden comforter that matched his eyes and tried to banish the reflex reaction that told me I was unwanted and unwantable.

Edward sighed. The hand over my mouth moved under my chin, and he pulled my face up until I had to look at him.

"What now?"

"Nothing," I mumbled.

He scrutinized my face for long moment while I tried unsuccessfully to twist away from his gaze. His brow furrowed, and his expression became horrified.

"Did I hurt your feelings?" he asked, shocked.

"No," I lied.

So quickly that I wasn't even sure how it happened, I was in his arms, my face cradled between his shoulder and his hand, while his thumb stroked reassuringly against my cheek.

"You know why I have to say no," he murmured. "You know that I want you, too."

"Do you?" I whispered, my voice full of doubt.

"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak. "Doesn't everyone? I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake. . . . You're too desirable for your own good."

"Who's being silly now?" I doubted if awkward, self-conscious, and inept added up to desirable in anyone's book.

"Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe? Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? You know a few of them, but some might surprise you."

I shook my head against his chest, grimacing. "You're just trying to distract me. Let's get back to the subject."

He sighed.

"Tell me if I have anything wrong." I tried to sound detached. "Your demands are marriage" - I couldn't say the word without making a face - "paying my tuition, more time, and you wouldn't mind if myvehicle went a little faster." I raised my eyebrows. "Did I get everything? That's a hefty list."

"Only the first is a demand." He seemed to be having a hard time keeping a straight face. "The others are merely requests."

"And my lone, solitary little demand is -"

"Demand?" he interrupted, suddenly serious again.

"Yes, demand."

His eyes narrowed.

"Getting married is a stretch for me. I'm not giving in unless I get something in return."

He leaned down to whisper in my ear. "No," he murmured silkily. "It's not possible now. Later, when you're less breakable. Be patient, Bella."

I tried to keep my voice firm and reasonable. "But that's the problem. It won't be the same when I'm less breakable. I won't be the same! I don't know who I'll be then."

"You'll still be Bella," he promised.

I frowned. "If I'm so far gone that I'd want to kill Charlie - that I'd drink Jacob's blood or Angela's if I got the chance - how can that be true?"

"It will pass. And I doubt you'll want to drink the dog's blood." He pretended to shudder at the thought. "Even as a newborn, you'll have better taste than that."

I ignored his attempt to sidetrack me. "But that will always be what I want most, won't it?" I challenged. "Blood, blood, and more blood!"

"The fact that you are still alive is proof that that is not true," he pointed out.

"Over eighty years later," I reminded him. "What I meant was physically, though. Intellectually, I know I'll be able to be myself . . . after a while. But just purely physically - I will always be thirsty, more than anything else."

He didn't answer.

"So I will be different," I concluded unopposed. "Because right now, physically, there's nothing I want more than you. More than food or water or oxygen. Intellectually, I have my priorities in a slightly more sensible order. But physically . . ."

I twisted my head to kiss the palm of his hand.

He took a deep breath. I was surprised that it sounded a little unsteady.

"Bella, I could kill you," he whispered.

"I don't think you could."

Edward's eyes tightened. He lifted his hand from my face and reached quickly behind himself for something I couldn't see. There was a muffled snapping sound, and the bed quivered beneath us.

Something dark was in his hand; he held it up for my curious examination. It was a metal flower, one of the roses that adorned the wrought iron posts and canopy of his bed frame. His hand closed for a brief second, his fingers contracting gently, and then it opened again.

Without a word, he offered me the crushed, uneven lump of black metal. It was a cast of the inside of his hand, like a piece of play dough squeezed in a child's fist. A half-second passed, and the shape crumbled into black sand in his palm.

I glared. "That's not what I meant. I already know how strong you are. You didn't have to break the furniture."

"What did you mean then?" he asked in a dark voice, tossing the handful of iron sand to the corner of the room; it hit the wall with a sound like rain.

His eyes were intent on my face as I struggled to explain.

"Obviously not that you aren't physically able hurt me, if you wanted to . . . More that, you don't want to hurt me . . . so much so that I don't think that you ever could."

He started shaking his head before I was done.

"It might not work like that, Bella."

"Might," I scoffed. "You have no more idea what you're talking about than I do."

"Exactly. Do you imagine I would ever take that kind of risk with you?"

I stared into his eyes for a long minute. There was no sign of compromise, no hint of indecision in them.

"Please," I finally whispered, hopeless. "It's all I want. Please." I closed my eyes in defeat, waiting for the quick and final no.

But he didn't answer immediately. I hesitated in disbelief, stunned to hear that his breathing was uneven again.

I opened my eyes, and his face was torn.

"Please?" I whispered again, my heartbeat picking up speed. My words tumbled out as I rushed to take advantage of the sudden uncertainty in his eyes. "You don't have to make me any guarantees. If it doesn't work out right, well, then that's that. Just let us try . . . only try. And I'll give you what you want," I promised rashly. "I'll marry you. I'll let you pay for Dartmouth, and I won't complain about the bribe to get me in. You can even buy me a fast car if that makes you happy! Just . . . please."

His icy arms tightened around me, and his lips were at my ear; his cool breath made me shiver. "Thisis unbearable. So many things I've wanted to give you - and this is what you decide to demand. Do you have any idea how painful it is, trying to refuse you when you plead with me this way?"

"Then don't refuse," I suggested breathlessly.

He didn't respond.

"Please," I tried again.

"Bella . . ." He shook his head slowly, but it didn't feel like a denial as his face, his lips, moved back and forth across my throat. It felt more like surrender. My heart, racing already, spluttered frantically.

Again, I took what advantage I could. When his face turned toward mine with the slow movement of his indecision, I twisted quickly in his arms till my lips reached his. His hands seized my face, and I thought he was going to push me away again.

I was wrong.

His mouth was not gentle; there was a brand-new edge of conflict and desperation in the way his lips moved. I locked my arms around his neck, and, to my suddenly overheated skin, his body felt colder than ever. I trembled, but it was not from the chill.

He didn't stop kissing me. I was the one who had to break away, gasping for air. Even then his lips did not leave my skin, they just moved to my throat. The thrill of victory was a strange high; it made me feel powerful. Brave. My hands weren't unsteady now; I got through with the buttons on his shirt this time easily, and my fingers traced the perfect planes of his icy chest. He was too beautiful. What was the word he'd used just now? Unbearable - that was it. His beauty was too much to bear. . . .

I pulled his mouth back to mine, and he seemed just as eager as I was. One of his hands still cupped my face, his other arm was tight around my waist, straining me closer to him. It made it slightly more difficult as I tried to reach the front of my shirt, but not impossible.

Cold iron fetters locked around my wrists, and pulled my hands above my head, which was suddenly on a pillow.

His lips were at my ear again. "Bella," he murmured, his voice warm and velvet. "Would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?"

"Do you want to do that part?" I asked, confused.

"Not tonight," he answered softly. His lips were slower now against my cheek and jaw, all the urgency gone.

"Edward, don't -," I started to argue.

"I'm not saying no," he reassured me. "I'm just saying not tonight."

I thought about that while my breathing slowed.

"Give me one good reason why tonight is not as good as any other night." I was still breathless; it made the frustration in my voice less impressive.

"I wasn't born yesterday." He chuckled inmy ear. "Out of the two of us, which do you think is more unwilling to give the other what they want? You just promised to marry me before you do any changing, but if I give in tonight, what guarantee do I have that you won't go running off to Carlisle in the morning? I am - clearly - much less reluctant to give you what you want. Therefore . . . you first."

I exhaled with a loud huff. "I have to marry you first?" I asked in disbelief.

"That's the deal - take it or leave it. Compromise, remember?"

His arms wrapped around me, and he began kissing me in a way that should be illegal. Too persuasive - it was duress, coercion. I tried to keep a clear head . . . and failed quickly and absolutely.

"I think that's a really bad idea," I gasped when he let me breathe.

"I'm not surprised you feel that way." He smirked. "You have a one-track mind."

"How did this happen?" I grumbled. "I thought I was holding my own tonight - for once - and now, all of a sudden -"

"You're engaged," he finished.

"Ew! Please don't say that out loud."

"Are you going back on your word?" he demanded. He pulled away to read my face. His expression was entertained. He was having fun.

I glared at him, trying to ignore the way his smile made my heart react.

"Are you?" he pressed.

"Ugh!" I groaned. "No. I'm not. Are you happy now?"

His smile was blinding. "Exceptionally."

I groaned again.

"Aren't you happy at all?"

He kissed me again before I could answer. Another too-persuasive kiss.

"A little bit," I admitted when I could speak. "But not about getting married."

He kissed me another time. "Do you get the feeling that everything is backward?" he laughed in my ear. "Traditionally, shouldn't you be arguing my side, and I yours?"

"There isn't much that's traditional about you and me."

"True."

He kissed me again, and kept going until my heart was racing and my skin was flushed.

"Look, Edward," I murmured, my voice wheedling, when he paused to kiss the palm of my hand. "I said I would marry you, and I will. I promise. I swear. If you want, I'll sign a contract in my own blood."

"Not funny," he murmured against the inside of my wrist.

"What I'm saying is this - I'm not going to trick you or anything. You know me better than that. So there's really no reason to wait. We're completely alone - how often does that happen? - and you've provided this very large and comfortable bed. . . ."

"Not tonight," he said again.

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

Using the hand that he was still kissing, I pulled his face back up to where I could see his expression.

"Then what's the problem? It's not like you didn't know you were going to win in the end." I frowned and muttered, "You always win."

"Just hedging my bets," he said calmly.

"There's something else," I guessed, my eyes narrowing. There was a defensiveness about his face, a faint hint of some secret motive he was trying to hide behind his casual manner. "Are you planning to go back on your word?"

"No," he promised solemnly. "I swear to you, we will try. After you marry me."

I shook my head, and laughed glumly. "You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama - twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl's virtue."

His eyes were wary as they flashed across my face, then he quickly ducked down to press his lips against my collarbone.

"That's it, isn't it?" The short laugh that escaped me was more shocked than amused. "You're trying to protect your virtue!" I covered my mouth with my hand to muffle the giggle that followed. The words were so . . . old-fashioned.

"No, silly girl," he muttered against my shoulder. "I'm trying to protect yours. And you're making it shockinglydifficult."

"Of all the ridiculous -"

"Let me ask you something," he interrupted quickly. "We've had this discussion before, but humor me. How many people in this room have a soul? A shot at heaven, or whatever there is after this life?"

"Two," I answered immediately, my voice fierce.

"All right. Maybe that's true. Now, there's a world full of dissension about this, but the vast majority seem to think that there are some rules that have to be followed."

"Vampire rules aren't enough for you? You want to worry about the human ones too?"

"It couldn't hurt." He shrugged. "Just in case."

I glared at him through narrowed eyes.

"Now, of course, it might be too late for me, even if you are right about my soul."

"No, it isn't," I argued angrily.

"'Thou shalt not kill' is commonly accepted by most major belief systems. And I've killed a lot of people, Bella."

"Only the bad ones."

He shrugged. "Maybe that counts, maybe it doesn't. But you haven't killed anyone -"

"That you know about," I muttered.

He smiled, but otherwise ignored the interruption. "And I'm going to do my best to keep you out of temptation's way."

"Okay. But we weren't fighting over committing murder," I reminded him.

"The same principle applies - the only difference is that this is the one area in which I'm just as spotless as you are. Can't I leave one rule unbroken?"

"One?"

"You know that I've stolen, I've lied, I've coveted . . . my virtue is all I have left." He grinned crookedly.

"I lie all the time."

"Yes, but you're such a bad liar that it doesn't really count. Nobody believes you."

"I really hope you're wrong about that - because otherwise Charlie is about to burst through the door with a loaded gun."

"Charlie is happier when he pretends to swallow your stories. He'd rather lie to himself than look too closely." He grinned at me.

"But what did you ever covet?" I asked doubtfully. "You have everything."

"I coveted you." His smile darkened. "I had no right to want you - but I reached out and took you anyway. And now look what's become of you! Trying to seduce a vampire." He shook his head in mock horror.

"You can covet what's already yours," I informed him. "Besides, I thought it was my virtue you were worried about."

"It is. If it's too late for me . . . Well, I'll be damned - no pun intended - if I'll let them keep you out, too."

"You can't make me go somewhere you won't be," I vowed. "That's my definition of hell. Anyway, I have an easy solution to all this: let's never die, all right?"

"Sounds simple enough. Why didn't I think of that?"

He smiled at me until I gave up with an angry humph. "So that's it. You won't sleep with me until we're married."

"Technically, I can't ever sleep with you."

I rolled my eyes. "Very mature, Edward."

"But, other than that detail, yes, you've got it right."

"I think you have an ulterior motive."

His eyes widened innocently. "Another one?"

"You know this will speed things up," I accused.

He tried not to smile. "There is only one thing I want to speed up, and the rest can wait forever . . . but for that, it's true, your impatient human hormones are my most powerful ally at this point."

"I can't believe I'm going along with this. When I think of Charlie . . . and Renée! Can you imagine what Angela will think? Or Jessica? Ugh. I can hear the gossip now."

He raised one eyebrow at me, and I knew why. What did it matter what they said about me when I leaving soon and not coming back? Was I really so oversensitive that I couldn't bear a few weeks of sidelong glances and leading questions?

Maybe it wouldn't bug me so much if I didn't know that I would probably be gossiping just as condescendingly as the rest of them if it was someone else getting married this summer.

Gah. Married this summer! I shuddered.

And then, maybe it wouldn't bug me so much if I hadn't been raised to shudder at the thought of marriage.

Edward interrupted my fretting. "It doesn't have to be a big production. I don't need any fanfare. You won't have to tell anyone or make any changes. We'll go to Vegas - you can wear old jeans and we'll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official - that you belong to me and no one else."

"It couldn't be any more official than it already is," I grumbled. But his description didn't sound that bad. Only Alice would be disappointed.

"We'll see about that." He smiled complacently. "I suppose you don't want your ring now?"

I had to swallow before I could speak. "You suppose correctly."

He laughed at my expression. "That's fine. I'll get it on your finger soon enough."

I glared at him. "You talk like you already have one."

"I do," he said, unashamed. "Ready to force upon you at the first sign of weakness."

"You're unbelievable."

"Do you want to see it?" he asked. His liquid topaz eyes were suddenly shining with excitement.

"No!" I almost shouted, a reflex reaction. I regretted it at once. His face fell ever so slightly. "Unless you really want to show it to me," I amended. I gritted my teeth together to keep my illogical terror from showing.

"That's all right," he shrugged. "It can wait."

I sighed. "Show me the damn ring, Edward."

He shook his head. "No."

I studied his expression for a long minute.

"Please?" I asked quietly, experimenting with my newly discovered weapon. I touched his face lightly with the tips of my fingers. "Please can I see it?"

His eyes narrowed. "You are the most dangerous creature I've ever met," he muttered. But he got up and moved with unconscious grace to kneel next to the small bedside table. He was back on the bed with me in an instant, sitting beside me with one arm around my shoulder. In his other hand was a little black box. He balanced it on my left knee.

"Go ahead and look, then," he said brusquely.

It was harder than it should have been to pick up the inoffensive little box, but I didn't want to hurt him again, so I tried to keep my hand from shaking. The surface was smooth with black satin. I brushed my fingers over it, hesitating.

"You didn't spend a lot of money, did you? Lie to me, if you did."

"I didn't spend anything," he assured me. "It's just another hand-me-down. This is the ring my father gave to my mother."

"Oh." Surprise colored my voice. I pinched the lid between my thumb and forefinger, but didn't open it.

"I supposed it's a little outdated." His tone was playfully apologetic. "Old-fashioned, just like me. I can get you something more modern. Something from Tiffany's?"

"I like old-fashioned things," I mumbled as I hesitantly lifted the lid.

Nestled into the black satin, Elizabeth Masen's ring sparkled in the dim light. The face was a long oval, set with slanting rows of glittering round stones. The band was gold - delicate and narrow. The gold made a fragile web around the diamonds. I'd never seen anything like it.

Unthinkingly, I stroked the shimmering gems.

"It's so pretty," I murmured to myself, surprised.

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful." I shrugged, feigning a lack of interest. "What's not to like?"

He chuckled. "See if it fits."

My left hand clenched into a fist.

"Bella," he sighed. "I'm not going to solder it to your finger. Just try it on so I can see if it needs to be sized. Then you can take it right off."

"Fine," I grumbled.

I reached for the ring, but his long fingers beat me there. He took my left hand in his, and slid the ring into place on my third finger. He held my hand out, and we both examined the oval sparkling against my skin. It wasn't quite as awful as I'd feared, having it there.

"A perfect fit," he said indifferently. "That's nice - saves me a trip to the jeweler's."

I could hear some strong emotion burning under the casual tone of his voice, and I stared up at his face. It was there in his eyes, too, visible despite the careful nonchalance of his expression.

"You like that, don't you?" I asked suspiciously, fluttering my fingers and thinking that it was really too bad that I had not broken my left hand.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Sure," he said, still casual. "It looks very nice on you."

I stared into his eyes, trying to decipher the emotion that smoldered just under the surface. He gazed back, and the casual pretense suddenly slipped away. He was glowing - his angel's face brilliant with joy and victory. He was so glorious that it knocked me breathless.

Before I could catch that breath, he was kissing me, his lips exultant. I was lightheaded when he moved his mouth to whisper in my ear - but his breathing was just as ragged as mine.

"Yes, I like it. You have no idea."

I laughed, gasping a little. "I believe you."

"Do you mind if I do something?" he murmured, his arms tightening around me.

"Anything you want."

But he let me go and slid away.

"Anything but that," I complained.

He ignored me, taking my hand and pulling me off the bed, too. He stood in front of me, hands on my shoulders, face serious.

"Now, I want to do this right. Please, please, keep in mind that you've already agreed to this, and don't ruin it for me."

"Oh, no," I gasped as he slid down onto one knee.

"Be nice," he muttered.

I took a deep breath.

"Isabella Swan?" He looked up at me through his impossibly long lashes, his golden eyes soft but, somehow, still scorching. "I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"

There were many things I wanted to say, some of them not nice at all, and others more disgustingly gooey and romantic than he probably dreamed I was capable of. Rather than embarrass myself with either, I whispered, "Yes."

"Thank you," he said simply. He took my left hand and kissed each of my fingertips before he kissed the ring that was now mine.