Midnight Sun: Edward’s Version of Twilight
Midnight Sun is an expected companion novel to the book Twilight by author Stephenie Meyer.
It would be the retelling of the events of Twilight, but written from the perspective of Edward Cullen as opposed to that of Bella Swan.
Meyer has stated that Twilight is the only book from the series that she plans to rewrite from Edward's perspective. To give them a better feel of Edward's character, Meyer allowed Catherine Hardwicke, the director of the film adaptation of Twilight, and Robert Pattinson, the actor playing Edward, to read some completed chapters of the novel while they filmed the movie.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-15 21:53
1. First Sight
This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep.
High school.
Or was purgatory the right word? If there was any way to atone for my sins, this ought to count toward the tally in some measure. The tedium was not something I grew used to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.
I suppose this was my form of sleep - if sleep was defined as the inert state between active periods.
I stared at the cracks running through the plaster in the far corner of the cafeteria, imagining patterns into them that were not there. It was one way to tune out the voices that babbled like the gush of a river inside my head.
Several hundred of these voices I ignored out of boredom.
When it came to the human mind, I'd heard it all before and then some. Today, all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small student body here. It took so little to work them all up. I'd seen the new face repeated in thought after thought from every angle. Just an ordinary human girl. The excitement over her arrival was tiresomely predictable - like flashing a shiny object at a child. Half the sheep-like males were already imagining themselves in love with her, just because she was something new to look at. I tried harder to tune them out.
Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste: my family, my two brothers and two sisters, who were so used to the lack of privacy in my presence that they rarely gave it a thought. I gave them what privacy I could. I tried not to listen if I could help it.
Try as I may, still...I knew. Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself. She'd caught sight of her profile in the reflection off someone's glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection. Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool with few surprises.
Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match he'd lost to Jasper during the night. It would take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate a rematch. I never really felt intrusive hearing Emmett's thoughts, because he never thought one thing that he would not say aloud or put into action. Perhaps I only felt guilty reading the others' minds because I knew there were things there that they wouldn't want me to know. If Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool, then Emmett's was a lake with no shadows, glass clear.
And Jasper was...suffering. I suppressed a sigh.
Edward. Alice called my name in her head, and had my attention at once.
It was just the same as having my name called aloud. I was glad my given name had fallen out of style lately - it had been annoying; anytime anyone thought of any Edward, my head would turn automatically...
My head didn't turn now. Alice and I were good at these private conversations. It was rare that anyone caught us. I kept my eyes on the lines in the plaster. How is he holding up? she asked me.
I frowned, just a small change in the set of my mouth. Nothing that would tip the others off. I could easily be frowning out of boredom.
Alice's mental tone was alarmed now, and I saw in her mind that she was watching Jasper in her peripheral vision. Is there any danger? She searched ahead, into the immediate future, skimming through visions of monotony for the source behind my frown.
I turned my head slowly to the left, as if looking at the bricks of the wall, sighed, and then to the right, back to the cracks in the ceiling. Only Alice knew I was shaking my head.
She relaxed. Let me know if it gets too bad.
I moved only my eyes, up to the ceiling above, and back down.
Thanks for doing this.
I was glad I couldn't answer her aloud. What would I say? 'My pleasure'? It was hardly that. I didn't enjoy listening to Jasper's struggles. Was it really necessary to experiment like this? Wouldn't the safer path be to just admit that he might never be able to handle the thirst the way the rest of us could, and not push his limits? Why flirt with disaster?
It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip. That was not an immensely difficult time span for the rest of us. A little uncomfortable occasionally - if a human walked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way. But humans rarely walked too close. Their instincts told them what their conscious minds would never understand: we were dangerous.
Jasper was very dangerous right now.
At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours,stopping to talk to a friend. She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers throughit. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made mefeel - the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatictightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth...
This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with thefeelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper's reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than justmine.
Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it - picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the littlegirl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, andletting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulsebeneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth...
I kicked his chair.
He met my gaze for a minute, and then looked down. I could hear shame andrebellion war in his head.
"Sorry," Jasper muttered.
I shrugged.
"You weren't going to do anything," Alice murmured to him, soothing hischagrin. "I could see that."
I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away. We had to stick together,Alice and I. It wasn't easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future. Both freaksamong those who were already freaks. We protected each other's secrets.
"It helps a little if you think of them as people," Alice suggested, her high,musical voice too fast for human ears to understand, if any had been close enough tohear. "Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adores. Her mother invited Esmeto that garden party, do you remember?"
"I know who she is," Jasper said curtly. He turned away to stare out one of thesmall windows that were spaced just under the eaves around the long room. His toneended the conversation.
He would have to hunt tonight. It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying totest his strength, to build his endurance. Jasper should just accept his limitations andwork within them. His former habits were not conducive to our chosen lifestyle; heshouldn't push himself in this way.
Alice sighed silently and stood, taking her tray of food - her prop, as it were - with her and leaving him alone. She knew when he'd had enough of her encouragement.Though Rosalie and Emmett were more flagrant about their relationship, it was Alice andJasper who knew each other's every mood as well as their own. As if they could readminds, too - only just each other's.
Edward Cullen.
Reflex reaction. I turned to the sound of my name being called, though it wasn'tbeing called, just thought.
My eyes locked for a small portion of a second with a pair of wide, chocolatebrownhuman eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face. I knew the face, though I'd neverseen it myself before this moment. It had been foremost in every human head today. Thenew student, Isabella Swan. Daughter of the town's chief of police, brought to live hereby some new custody situation. Bella. She'd corrected everyone who'd used her fullname...
I looked away, bored. It took me a second to realize that she had not been the oneto think my name.
Of course she's already crushing on the Cullens, I heard the first thoughtcontinue.
Now I recognized the 'voice.' Jessica Stanley - it had been a while since she'dbothered me with her internal chatter. What a relief it had been when she'd gotten overher misplaced infatuation. It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant,ridiculous daydreams. I'd wished, at the time, that I could explain to her exactly whatwould have happened if my lips, and the teeth behind them, had gotten anywhere nearher. That would have silenced those annoying fantasies. The thought of her reactionalmost made me smile.
Fat lot of good it will do her, Jessica went on. She's really not even pretty. Idon't know why Eric is staring so much...or Mike.
She winced mentally on the last name. Her new infatuation, the genericallypopular Mike Newton, was completely oblivious to her. Apparently, he was not asoblivious to the new girl. Like the child with the shiny object again. This put a meanedge to Jessica's thoughts, though she was outwardly cordial to the newcomer as sheexplained to her the commonly held knowledge about my family. The new student musthave asked about us.
Everyone's looking at me today, too, Jessica thought smugly in an aside. Isn't itlucky Bella had two classes with me...I'll bet Mike will want to ask me what she's - I tried to block the inane chatter out of my head before the petty and the trivialcould drive me mad.
"Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl all the dirty laundry on the Cullenclan," I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.
He chuckled under his breath. I hope she's making it good, he thought.
"Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce ofhorror. I'm a little disappointed."
And the new girl? Is she disappointed in the gossip as well?
I listened to hear what this new girl, Bella, thought of Jessica's story. What didshe see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universallyavoided?
It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction. I acted as a lookout, forlack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, Icould give us early warning and an easy retreat. It happened occasionally - some humanwith an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie. Usuallythey got it wrong, but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny.
Very, very rarely, someone would guess right. We didn't give them a chance to test theirhypothesis. We simply disappeared, to become no more than a frightening memory...I heard nothing, though I listened close beside where Jessica's frivolous internalmonologue continued to gush. It was as if there was no one sitting beside her. Howpeculiar, had the girl moved? That didn't seem likely, as Jessica was still babbling to her.I looked up to check, feeling off-balance. Checking on what my extra 'hearing' could tellme - it wasn't something I ever had to do.
Again, my gaze locked on those same wide brown eyes. She was sitting rightwhere she had been before, and looking at us, a natural thing to be doing, I supposed, asJessica was still regaling her with the local gossip about the Cullens.Thinking about us, too, would be natural.
But I couldn't hear a whisper.
Inviting warm red stained her cheeks as she looked down, away from theembarrassing gaffe of getting caught staring at a stranger. It was good that Jasper wasstill gazing out the window. I didn't like to imagine what that easy pooling of bloodwould do to his control.
The emotions had been as clear on her face as if they were spelled out in wordsacross her forehead: surprise, as she unknowingly absorbed the signs of the subtledifferences between her kind and mine, curiosity, as she listened to Jessica's tale, andsomething more...fascination? It wouldn't be the first time. We were beautiful to them,our intended prey. Then, finally, embarrassment as I caught her staring at me.
And yet, though her thoughts had been so clear in her odd eyes - odd, because ofthe depth to them; brown eyes often seemed flat in their darkness - I could hear nothingbut silence from the place she was sitting. Nothing at all.
I felt a moment of unease.
This was nothing I'd ever encountered before. Was there something wrong withme? I felt exactly the same as I always did. Worried, I listened harder.All the voices I'd been blocking were suddenly shouting in my head....wonder what music she likes...maybe I could mention that new CD... MikeNewton was thinking, two tables away - fixated on Bella Swan.
Look at him staring at her. Isn't it enough that he has half the girls in schoolwaiting for him to... Eric Yorkie was thinking sulfurous thoughts, also revolving aroundthe girl.
...so disgusting. You'd think she was famous or something... Even Edward Cullen, staring... Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should be dark jade in color. And Jessica, flaunting her new best friend. What a joke... Vitriol continued to spew from the girl's thoughts.
...I bet everyone has asked her that. But I'd like to talk to her. I'll think of a more original question... Ashley Dowling mused.
...maybe she'll be in my Spanish... June Richardson hoped.
...tons left to do tonight! Trig, and the English test. I hope my mom... Angela Weber, a quiet girl, whose thoughts were unusually kind, was the only one at the table who wasn't obsessed with this Bella.
I could hear them all, hear every insignificant thing they were thinking as it passed through their minds. But nothing at all from the new student with the deceptively communicative eyes.
And, of course, I could hear what the girl said when she spoke to Jessica. I didn't have to read minds to be able to hear her low, clear voice on the far side of the long room. "Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" I heard her ask, sneaking a look at me from the corner of her eye, only to look quickly away when she saw that I was still staring.
If I'd had time to hope that hearing the sound of her voice would help me pinpoint the tone of her thoughts, lost somewhere where I couldn't access them, I was instantly disappointed. Usually, people's thoughts came to them in a similar pitch as their physical voices. But this quiet, shy voice was unfamiliar, not one of the hundreds of thoughts bouncing around the room, I was sure of that. Entirely new.
Oh, good luck, idiot! Jessica thought before answering the girl's question. "That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed. I turned my head away to hide my smile. Jessica and her classmates had no idea how lucky they were that none of them particularly appealed to me.
Beneath the transient humor, I felt a strange impulse, one I did not clearly understand. It had something to do with the vicious edge to Jessica's thoughts that the new girl was unaware of... I felt the strangest urge to step in between them, to shield this Bella Swan from the darker workings of Jessica's mind. What an odd thing to feel. Trying to ferret out the motivations behind the impulse, I examined the new girl one more time.
Perhaps it was just some long buried protective instinct - the strong for the weak. This girl looked more fragile than her new classmates. Her skin was so translucent it was hard to believe it offered her much defense from the outside world. I could see the rhythmic pulse of blood through her veins under the clear, pale membrane... But I should not concentrate on that. I was good at this life I'd chosen, but I was just as thirsty as Jasper and there was no point in inviting temptation.
There was a faint crease between her eyebrows that she seemed unaware of. It was unbelievable frustrating! I could clearly see that it was a strain for her to sit there, to make conversation with strangers, to be the center of attention. I could sense her shyness from the way she held her frail-looking shoulders, slightly hunched, as if she was expecting a rebuff at any moment. And yet I could only sense, could only see, could only imagine. There was nothing but silence from the very unexceptional human girl. I could hear nothing. Why?
"Shall we?" Rosalie murmured, interrupting my focus.
I looked away from the girl with a sense of relief. I didn't want to continue to fail at this - it irritated me. And I didn't want to develop any interest in her hidden thoughts simply because they were hidden from me. No doubt, when I did decipher her thoughts - and I would find a way to do so - they would be just as petty and trivial as any human's thoughts. Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them.
"So, is the new one afraid of us yet?" Emmett asked, still waiting for my response to his question before.
I shrugged. He wasn't interested enough to press for a more information. Nor should I be interested.
We got up from the table and walked out of the cafeteria.
Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were pretending to be seniors; they left for their classes. I was playing a younger role than they. I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for the tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.
In the classroom, I settled into my chair and let my books - props, again; they held nothing I didn't already know - spill across the table. I was the only student who had a table to himself. The humans weren't smart enough to know that they feared me, but their survival instincts were enough to keep them away.
The room slowly filled as they trickled in from lunch. I leaned back in my chair and waited for the time to pass. Again, I wished I was able to sleep. Because I'd been thinking about her, when Angela Weber escorted the new girl through the door, her name intruded on my attention.
Bella seems just as shy as me. I'll bet today is really hard for her. I wish I could say something...but it would probably just sound stupid...
Yes! Mike Newton thought, turning in his seat to watch the girls enter.
Still, from the place where Bella Swan stood, nothing. The empty space where her thoughts should be irritated and unnerved me.
She came closer, walking down the aisle beside me to get to the teacher's desk.
Poor girl; the seat next to me was the only one available. Automatically, I cleared what would be her side of the desk, shoving my books into a pile. I doubted she would feel very comfortable there. She was in for a long semester - in this class, at least. Perhaps, though, sitting beside her, I'd be able to flush out her secrets...not that I'd ever needed close proximity before...not that I would find anything worth listening to...
Bella Swan walked into the flow of the heated air that blew toward me from the vent.
Her scent hit me like wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment. In that instant, I was nothing close to the human I'd once been; no trace of the shreds of humanity I'd managed to cloak myself in remained.
I was a predator. She was my prey. There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth.
There was no room full of witnesses - they were already collateral damage in my head. The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten. Her thoughts meant nothing, for she would not go on thinking them much longer.
I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I'd smelled in eighty years. I hadn't imagined such a scent could exist. If I'd known it did, I would have gone searching for it long ago. I would have combed the planet for her. I could imagine the taste...
Thirst burned through my throat like fire. My mouth was baked and desiccated. The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation. My stomach twisted with the hunger that was an echo of the thirst. My muscles coiled to spring.
Not a full second had passed. She was still taking the same step that had put her downwind from me.
As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me, a movement she clearly meant to be stealthy. Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror of her eyes.
The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments.
She didn't make it easier. When she processed the expression on my face, blood flooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color I'd ever seen. The scent was a thick haze in my brain. I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged, resisting control, incoherent.
She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape. Her haste made her clumsy - she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.
I tried to focus on the face I'd seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion. The face of the monster in me - the face I'd beaten back with decades of effort and uncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!
The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propelling me out of my seat.
My hand gripped under the edge of the table as I tried to hold myself in my chair.
The wood was not up to the task. My hand crushed through the strut and came away with a palmful of splintered pulp, leaving the shape of my fingers carved into the remaining wood.
Destroy evidence. That was a fundamental rule. I quickly pulverized the edges of the shape with my fingertips, leaving nothing but a ragged hole and a pile of shavings on the floor, which I scattered with my foot.
Destroy evidence. Collateral damage....
I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.
The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.
I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades.
And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.
The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.
Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.
If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.
But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn't have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door - block that and they were trapped.
It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear...and I'd be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.
And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.
The scent punished me, closing my throat with dry aching...
So the witnesses first then.
I mapped it out in my head. I was in the middle of the room, the furthest row in the back. I would take my right side first. I could snap four or five of their necks per second, I estimated. It would not be noisy. The right side would be the lucky side; they would not see me coming. Moving around the front and back up the left side, it would take me, at most, five seconds to end every life in this room.
Long enough for Bella Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for her. Long enough for her to feel fear. Long enough, maybe, if shock didn't freeze her in place, for her to work up a scream. One soft scream that would not bring anyone running.
I took a deep breath, and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins, burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of. She was just turning now. In a few seconds, she would sit down inches away from me.
The monster in my head smiled in anticipation.
Someone slammed shut a folder on my left. I didn't look up to see which of the doomed humans it was. But the motion sent a wave of ordinary, unscented air wafting across my face.
For one short second, I was able to think clearly. In that precious second, I saw two faces in my head, side by side.
One was mine, or rather had been: the red-eyed monster that had killed so many people that I'd stop counting their numbers. Rationalized, justified murders. A killer of killers, a killer of other, less powerful monsters. It was a god complex, I acknowledged that - deciding who deserved a death sentence. It was a compromise with myself. I had fed on human blood, but only by the loosest definition. My victims were, in their various dark pastimes, barely more human than I was.
The other face was Carlisle's.
There was no resemblance between the two faces. They were bright day and blackest night.
There was no reason for there to be a resemblance. Carlisle was not my father in the basic biological sense. We shared no common features. The similarity in our coloring was a product of what we were; every vampire had the same ice pale skin. The similarity in the color of our eyes was another matter - a reflection of a mutual choice.
And yet, though there was no basis for a resemblance, I'd imagined that my face had begun to reflect his, to an extent, in the last seventy-odd years that I had embraced his choice and followed in his steps. My features had not changed, but it seemed to me like some of his wisdom had marked my expression, that a little of his compassion could be traced in the shape of my mouth, and hints of his patience were evident on my brow.
All those tiny improvements were lost in the face of the monster. In a few moments, there would be nothing left in me that would reflect the years I'd spent with my creator, my mentor, my father in all the ways that counted. My eyes would glow red as a devil's; all likeness would be lost forever.
In my head, Carlisle's kind eyes did not judge me. I knew that he would forgive me for this horrible act that I would do. Because he loved me. Because he thought I was better than I was. And he would still love me, even as I now proved him wrong.
Bella Swan sat down in the chair next to me, her movements stiff and awkward - with fear? - and the scent of her blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me. I would prove my father wrong about me. The misery of this fact hurt almost as much as the fire in my throat.
I leaned away from her in revulsion - revolted by the monster aching to take her. Why did she have to come here? Why did she have to exist? Why did she have to ruin the little peace I had in this non-life of mine? Why had this aggravating human ever been born? She would ruin me.
I turned my face away from her, as a sudden fierce, unreasoning hatred washed through me.
Who was this creature? Why me, why now? Why did I have to lose everything just because she happened to choose this unlikely town to appear in? Why had she come here!
I didn't want to be the monster! I didn't want to kill this room full of harmless children! I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial! I wouldn't. She couldn't make me.
The scent was the problem, the hideously appealing scent of her blood. If there was only some way to resist...if only another gust of fresh air could clear my head. Bella Swan shook out her long, thick, mahogany hair in my direction.
Was she insane? It was as if she were encouraging the monster! Taunting him. There was no friendly breeze to blow the smell away from me now. All would soon be lost.
No, there was no helpful breeze. But I didn't have to breathe.
I stopped the flow of air through my lungs; the relief was instantaneous, but incomplete. I still had the memory of the scent in my head, the taste of it on the back of my tongue. I wouldn't be able to resist even that for long. But perhaps I could resist for an hour. One hour. Just enough time to get out of this room full of victims, victims that maybe didn't have to be victims. If I could resist for one short hour.
It was an uncomfortable feeling, not breathing. My body did not need oxygen, but it went against my instincts. I relied on scent more than my other senses in times of stress. It led the way in the hunt, it was the first warning in case of danger. I did not often came across something as dangerous as I was, but self-preservation was just as strong in my kind as it was in the average human.
Uncomfortable, but manageable. More bearable than smelling her and not sinking my teeth through that fine, thin, see-through skin to the hot, wet, pulsing - An hour! Just one hour. I must not think of the scent, the taste.
The silent girl kept her hair between us, leaning forward so that it spilled across her folder. I couldn't see her face, to try to read the emotions in her clear, deep eyes. Was this why she'd let her tresses fan out between us? To hide those eyes from me? Out of fear? Shyness? To keep her secrets from me?
My former irritation at being stymied by her soundless thoughts was weak and pale in comparison to the need - and the hate - that possessed me now. For I hated this frail woman-child beside me, hated her with all the fervor with which I clung to my former self, my love of my family, my dreams of being something better than what I was... Hating her, hating how she made me feel - it helped a little. Yes, the irritation I'd felt before was weak, but it, too, helped a little. I clung to any emotion that distracted me from imagining what she would taste like...
Hate and irritation. Impatience. Would the hour never pass?
And when the hour ended... Then she would walk out of this room. And I would do what?
I could introduce myself. Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. May I walk you to your next class?
She would say yes. It would be the polite thing to do. Even already fearing me, as I suspected she did, she would follow convention and walk beside me. It should be easy enough to lead her in the wrong direction. A spur of the forest reached out like a finger to touch the back corner of the parking lot. I could tell her I'd forgotten a book in my car...
Would anyone notice that I was the last person she'd been seen with? It was raining, as usual; two dark raincoats heading the wrong direction wouldn't pique too much interest, or give me away.
Except that I was not the only student who was aware of her today - though no one was as blisteringly aware as I was. Mike Newton, in particular, was conscious of every shift in her weight as she fidgeted in her chair - she was uncomfortable so close to me, just as anyone would be, just as I'd expected before her scent had destroyed all charitable concern. Mike Newton would notice if she left the classroom with me.
If I could last an hour, could I last two?
I flinched at the pain of the burning.
She would go home to an empty house. Police Chief Swan worked a full day. I knew his house, as I knew every house in the tiny town. His home was nestled right up against thick woods, with no close neighbors. Even if she had time to scream, which she would not, there would be no one to hear.
That would be the responsible way to deal with this. I'd gone seven decades without human blood. If I held my breath, I could last two hours. And when I had her alone, there would be no chance of anyone else getting hurt. And no reason to rush through the experience, the monster in my head agreed.
It was sophistry to think that by saving the nineteen humans in this room with effort and patience, I would be less a monster when I killed this innocent girl. Though I hated her, I knew my hatred was unjust. I knew that what I really hated was myself. And I would hate us both so much more when she was dead.
I made it through the hour in this way - imagining the best ways to kill her. I tried to avoid imagining the actual act. That might be too much for me; I might lose this battle and end up killing everyone in sight. So I planned strategy, and nothing more. It carried me through the hour.
Once, toward the very end, she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair. I could feel the unjustified hatred burning out of me as I met her gaze - see the reflection of it in her frightened eyes. Blood painted her cheek before she could hide in her hair again, and I was nearly undone.
But the bell rang. Saved by the bell - how cliché. We were both saved. She, saved from death. I, saved for just a short time from being the nightmarish creature I feared and loathed.
I couldn't walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room. If anyone had been looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right about the way I moved. No one was paying attention to me. All human thoughts still swirled around the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hour's time.
I hid in my car.
I didn't like to think of myself having to hide. How cowardly that sounded. But it was unquestionably the case now.
I didn't have enough discipline left to be around humans now. Focusing so much of my efforts on not killing one of them left me no resources to resist the others. What a waste that would be. If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth the defeat.
I played a CD of music that usually calmed me, but it did little for me now. No, what helped most now was the cool, wet, clean air that drifted with the light rain through my open windows. Though I could remember the scent of Bella Swan's blood with perfect clarity, inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from its infection.
I was sane again. I could think again. And I could fight again. I could fight against what I didn't want to be.
I didn't have to go to her home. I didn't have to kill her. Obviously, I was a rational, thinking creature, and I had a choice. There was always a choice.
It hadn't felt that way in the classroom...but I was away from her now. Perhaps, if I avoided her very, very carefully, there was no need for my life to change. I had things ordered the way I liked them now. Why should I let some aggravating and delicious nobody ruin that?
I didn't have to disappoint my father. I didn't have to cause my mother stress, worry...pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too. And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable.
How ironic that I'd wanted to protect this human girl from the paltry, toothless threat of Jessica Stanley's snide thoughts. I was the last person who would ever stand as a protector for Isabella Swan. She would never need protection from anything more than she needed it from me.
Where was Alice, I suddenly wondered? Hadn't she seen me killing the Swan girl in a multitude of ways? Why hadn't she come to help - to stop me or help me clean up the evidence, whichever? Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper that she'd missed this much more horrific possibility? Was I stronger than I thought? Would I really not have done anything to the girl?
No. I knew that wasn't true. Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard.
I searched in the direction I knew she would be, in the small building used for English classes. It did not take me long to locate her familiar 'voice.' And I was right. Her every thought was turned to Jasper, watching his small choices with minute scrutiny.
I wished I could ask her advice, but at the same time, I was glad she didn't know what I was capable of. That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the last hour.
I felt a new burn through my body - the burn of shame. I didn't want any of them to know.
If I could avoid Bella Swan, if I could manage not to kill her - even as I thought that, the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration - then no one would have to know. If I could keep away from her scent...
There was no reason why I shouldn't try, at least. Make a good choice. Try to be what Carlisle thought I was.
The last hour of school was almost over. I decided to put my new plan into action at once. Better than sitting here in the parking lot where she might pass me and ruin my attempt. Again, I felt the unjust hatred for the girl. I hated that she had this unconscious power over me. That she could make me be something I reviled.
I walked swiftly - a little too swiftly, but there were no witnesses - across the tiny campus to the office. There was no reason for Bella Swan to cross paths with me. She would be avoided like the plague she was.
The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see.
She didn't notice my silent entrance.
"Mrs. Cope?"
The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened. It always caught them off guard, the little markers they didn't understand, no matter how many times they'd seen one of us before.
"Oh," she gasped, a little flustered. She smoothed her shirt. Silly, she thought to herself. He's almost young enough to be my son. Too young to think of that way... "Hello, Edward. What can I do for you?" Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick glasses.
Uncomfortable. But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be. It was easy, since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken.
I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless, small brown eyes. Her thoughts were already in a flutter. This should be simple. "I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule," I said in the soft voice I reserved for not scaring humans.
I heard the tempo of her heart increase.
"Of course, Edward. How can I help?" Too young, too young, she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather. But according to my driver's license, she was right.
"I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science? Physics, perhaps?"
"It there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward?"
"Not at all, it's just that I've already studied this material..."
"In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right." Her thin lips pursed as she considered this. They should all be in college. I've heard the teachers complain. Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on a test - like they've found some way to cheat in every subject. Mr. Varner would rather believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him... I'll bet their mother tutors them... "Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now. Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class - "
"I wouldn't be any trouble."
Of course not. Not a perfect Cullen. "I know that, Edward. But there just aren't enough seats as it is..."
"Could I drop the class, then? I could use the period for independent study."
"Drop biology?" He mouth fell open. That's crazy. How hard is it to sit through a subject you already know? There must be a problem with Mr. Banner. I wonder if I should talk to Bob about it? "You won't have enough credits to graduate."
"I'll catch up next year."
"Maybe you should talk to your parents about that."
The door opened behind me, but who ever it was did not think of me, so I ignored the arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope. I leaned slightly closer, and held my eyes a little wider. This would work better if they were gold instead of black. The blackness frightened people, as it should.
"Please, Mrs. Cope?" I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be - and it could be considerably compelling. "Isn't there some other section I could switch to? I'm sure there has to be an open slot somewhere? Sixth hour biology can't be the only option..."
I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her, letting the expression soften my face.
Her heart drummed faster. Too young, she reminded herself frantically. "Well, maybe I could talk to Bob - I mean Mr. Banner. I could see if - "
A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my mission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman... What had been for one purpose before was now for another.
A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signed tardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school. A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash into me. A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door had not interrupted me with her thoughts.
I turned, though I did not need to make sure. I turned slowly, fighting to control the muscles that rebelled against me.
Bella Swan stood with her back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece of paper clutched in her hands. Her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in my ferocious, inhuman glare.
The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the tiny, hot room. My throat burst into flames.
The monster glared back at me from the mirror of her eyes again, a mask of evil. My hand hesitated in the air above the counter. I would not have to look back in order to reach across it and slam Mrs. Cope's head into her desk with enough force to kill her. Two lives, rather than twenty. A trade.
The monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to do it.
But there was always a choice - there had to be.
I cut off the motion of my lungs, and fixed Carlisle's face in front of my eyes. I turned back to face Mrs. Cope, and heard her internal surprise at the change in my expression. She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words.
Using all the control I'd mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voice even and smooth. There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushing through the words.
"Nevermind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."
I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-blooded heat of the girl's body as I passed within inches of it.
I didn't stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there. Most of the humans had cleared out already, so there weren't a lot of witnesses. I heard a sophomore, D.J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard...
Where did Cullen come from - it was like he just came out of thin air... There I go, with the imagination again. Mom always says...
When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there. I tried to control my breathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like I'd been suffocated. "Edward?" Alice asked, alarm in her voice.
I just shook my head at her.
"What the hell happened to you?" Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.
Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse. I had to get out of this lot before Bella Swan could follow me here, too. My own person demon, haunting me... I swung the car around and accelerated. I hit forty before I was on the road. On the road, I hit seventy before I made the corner.
Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare at Alice. She shrugged. She couldn't see what had passed, only what was coming. She looked ahead for me now. We both processed what she saw in her head, and we were both surprised.
"You're leaving?" she whispered.
The others stared at me now.
"Am I?" I hissed through my teeth.
She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a darker direction.
"Oh."
Bella Swan, dead. My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and start again...
"Oh," she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of Chief Swan's house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, her back to me as I stalked her from the shadows...let the scent pull me toward her...
"Stop!" I groaned, not able to bear more.
"Sorry," she whispered, her eyes wide.
The monster rejoiced.
And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the trees beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour.
"I'll miss you," she said. "No matter how short a time you're gone."
Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance.
We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home. "Drop us here," Alice instructed. "You should tell Carlisle yourself."
I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop.
Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain when I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder.
"You will do the right thing," she murmured. Not a vision this time - an order. "She's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him, too."
"Yes," I said, agreeing only with the last part.
She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. They melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around.
I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice's head would be flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I wasn't sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-15 22:11
2. Open Book
I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my weight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt like velvet under my skin.
The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite.
Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.
It wasn't getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I'd hidden here in the empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first moment that I'd caught her scent.
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompanied them. The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder.
I was not surprised that Tanya had followed me here. I knew she'd been mulling over this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure of exactly what she wanted to say.
She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of an outcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet.
Tanya's skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale, almost pink with their strawberry tint. Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, halfburied in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile.
Exquisite. If I'd really been able to see her. I sighed.
She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, her body coiled.
Cannonball, she thought.
She launched herself into the air; her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as she spun gracefully between me and the stars. She curled herself into a ball just as she struck the piled snow bank beside me.
A blizzard of snow flew up around me. The stars went black and I was buried deep in the feathery ice crystals.
I sighed again, but didn't move to unearth myself. The blackness under the snow neither hurt nor improved the view. I still saw the same face.
"Edward?"
Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me. She brushed the powder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes.
"Sorry," she murmured. "It was a joke."
"I know. It was funny."
Her mouth twisted down.
"Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone. They think I'm annoying you." "Not at all," I assured her. "On the contrary, I'm the one who's being rude - abominably rude. I'm very sorry."
You're going home, aren't you? she thought.
"I haven't...entirely...decided that yet."
But you're not staying here. Her thought was wistful now, sad.
"No. It doesn't seem to be...helping."
She grimaced. "That's my fault, isn't it?"
"Of course not," I lied smoothly.
Don't be a gentleman.
I smiled.
I make you uncomfortable, she accused.
"No."
She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh. One short laugh, followed by another sigh.
"All right," I admitted. "A little bit."
She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were chagrined.
"You're a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya. Of course, you're already well aware of that. Don't let my stubbornness undermine your confidence." I chuckled at the unlikeliness of that.
"I'm not used to rejection," she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an attractive pout.
"Certainly not," I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. Mostly Tanya preferred human men - they were much more populous for one thing, with the added advantage of being soft and warm. And always eager, definitely.
"Succubus," I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head. She grinned, flashing her teeth. "The original."
Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly. In the end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter. Now the men they loved...lived.
"When you showed up here," Tanya said slowly. "I thought that..." I'd known what she'd thought. And I should have guessed that she would have felt that way. But I hadn't been at my best for analytical thinking in that moment.
"You thought that I'd changed my mind."
"Yes." She scowled.
"I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya. I didn't mean to - I wasn't thinking. It's just that I left in...quite a hurry."
"I don't suppose you'd tell me why...?"
I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."
Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life they'd committed to. Better, in some ways, than even Carlisle. Despite the insanely close proximity they allowed themselves with those who should be - and once were - their prey, they did not make mistakes. I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya.
"Woman troubles?" she guessed, ignoring my reluctance.
I laughed a bleak laugh. "Not the way you mean it."
She was quiet then. I listened to her thoughts as she ran through different guesses, tried to decipher the meaning of my words.
"You're not even close," I told her.
"One hint?" she asked.
"Please let it go, Tanya."
She was quiet again, still speculating. I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciate the stars.
She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction.
Where will you go, Edward, if you leave? Back to Carlisle?
"I don't think so," I whispered.
Where would I go? I could not think of one place on the entire planet that held any interest for me. There was nothing I wanted to see or do. Because, no matter where I went, I would not be going to anywhere - I would only be running from.
I hated that. When had I become such a coward?
Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders. I stiffened, but did not flinch out from under her touch. She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort. Mostly. "I think that you will go back," she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her long lost Russian accent. "No matter what it is...or who it is...that is haunting you. You'll face it head on. You're the type."
Her thoughts were as certain as her words. I tried to embrace the vision of myself that she carried in her head. The one who faced things head on. It was pleasant to think of myself that way again. I'd never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty, before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago.
I kissed her cheek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine, her lips already puckered. She smiled ruefully at my quickness.
"Thank you, Tanya. I needed to hear that."
Her thoughts turned petulant. "You're welcome, I guess. I wish you would be more reasonable about things, Edward."
"I'm sorry, Tanya. You know you're too good for me. I just...haven't found what I'm looking for yet."
"Well, if you leave before I see you again...goodbye, Edward."
"Goodbye, Tanya." As I said the words, I could see it. I could see myself leaving. Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be. "Thanks again."
She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; she left no prints behind her. She didn't look back. My rejection bothered her more than she'd let on before, even in her thoughts. She wouldn't want to see me again before I left.
My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn't like hurting Tanya, though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return. It still made me feel less than a gentleman.
I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again, though I was suddenly anxious to be on my way. I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she would tell the others. This would make them happy - Carlisle and Esme especially. But I gazed at the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head. Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared back at me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for her. Of course, I couldn't be sure if that was really the information her curious eyes sought. Even in my imagination, I couldn't hear her thoughts. Bella Swan's eyes continued to question, and an unobstructed view of the stars continued to elude me. With a heavy sigh, I gave up, and got to my feet. If I ran, I would be back to Carlisle's car in less than an hour...
In a hurry to see my family - and wanting very much to be the Edward that faced things head on - I raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints.
"It's going to be okay," Alice breathed. Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had one hand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundown cafeteria in a close group. Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory. Rose looked wary, too, but much more irritated than protective.
"Of course it is," I grumbled. Their behavior was ludicrous. If I wasn't positive that I could handle this moment, I would have stayed home.
The sudden shift from our normal, even playful morning - it had snowed in the night, and Emmett and Jasper were not above taking advantage of my distraction to bombard me with slushballs; when they got bored with my lack of response, they'd turned on each other - to this overdone vigilance would have been comical if it weren't so irritating.
"She's not here yet, but the way she's going to come in...she won't be downwind if we sit in our regular spot."
"Of course we'll sit in our regular spot. Stop it, Alice. You're getting on my nerves. I'll be absolutely fine."
She blinked once as Jasper helped her into her seat, and her eyes finally focused on my face.
"Hmm," she said, sounding surprised. "I think you're right."
"Of course I am," I muttered.
I hated being the focus of their concern. I felt a sudden sympathy for Jasper, remembering all the times we'd hovered protectively over him. He met my glance briefly, and grinned.
Annoying, isn't it?
I grimaced at him.
Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me? That it had seemed almost like sleep, like a coma, to be here?
Today my nerves were stretched tight - piano wires, tensed to sing at the lightest pressure. My senses were hyper-alert; I scanned every sound, every sight, every movement of the air that touched my skin, every thought. Especially the thoughts. There was only one sense that I kept locked down, refused to use. Smell, of course. I didn't breathe.
I was expecting to hear more about the Cullens in the thoughts that I sifted through. All day I'd been waiting, searching for whichever new acquaintance Bella Swan might have confided in, trying to see the direction the new gossip would take. But there was nothing. No one noticed the five vampires in the cafeteria, just the same as before the new girl had come. Several of the humans here were still thinking of that girl, still thinking the same thoughts from last week. Instead of finding this unutterably boring, I was now fascinated.
Had she said nothing to anyone about me?
There was no way that she had not noticed my black, murderous glare. I had seen her react to it. Surely, I'd scared her silly. I had been convinced that she would have mentioned it to someone, maybe even exaggerated the story a bit to make it better. Given me a few menacing lines.
And then, she'd also heard me trying to get out of our shared biology class. She must have wondered, after seeing my expression, whether she were the cause. A normal girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others, looked for common ground that would explain my behavior so she didn't feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.
But no one at all took any notice of us sitting here, at our normal table. Bella must be exceptionally shy, if she'd confided in no one. Perhaps she had spoken to her father, maybe that was the strongest relationship...though that seemed unlikely, given the fact that she had spent so little time with him throughout her life. She would be closer to her mother. Still, I would have to pass by Chief Swan sometime soon and listen to what he was thinking.
"Anything new?" Jasper asked.
"Nothing. She...must not have said anything."
All of them raised an eyebrow at this news.
"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are," Emmett said, chuckling. "I bet I could have frightened her better than that."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"Wonder why...?" He puzzled again over my revelation about the girl's unique silence.
"We've been over that. I don't know."
"She's coming in," Alice murmured then. I felt my body go rigid. "Try to look human."
"Human, you say?" Emmett asked.
He held up his right fist, twisting his fingers to reveal the snowball he'd saved in his palm. Of course it had not melted there. He'd squeezed it into a lumpy block of ice. He had his eyes on Jasper, but I saw the direction of his thoughts. So did Alice, of course. When he abruptly hurled the ice chunk at her, she flicked it away with a casual flutter of her fingers. The ice ricocheted across the length of the cafeteria, too fast to be visible to human eyes, and shattered with a sharp crack against the brick wall. The brick cracked, too.
The heads in that corner of the room all turned to stare at the pile of broken ice on the floor, and then swiveled to find the culprit. They didn't look further than a few tables away. No one looked at us.
"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"
"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."
I tried to pay attention to them, keeping a grin fixed on my face like I was part of their banter. I did not allow myself to look toward the line where I knew she was standing. But that was all that I was listening to.
I could hear Jessica's impatience with the new girl, who seemed to be distracted, too, standing motionless in the moving line. I saw, in Jessica's thoughts, that Bella Swan's cheeks were once more colored bright pink with blood.
I pulled in short, shallow breaths, ready to quit breathing if any hint of her scent touched the air near me.
Mike Newton was with the two girls. I heard both his voices, mental and verbal, when he asked Jessica what was wrong with the Swan girl. I didn't like the way his thoughts wrapped around her, the flicker of already established fantasies that clouded his mind while he watched her start and look up from her reverie like she'd forgotten he was there.
"Nothing," I heard Bella say in that quiet, clear voice. It seemed to ring like a bell over the babble in the cafeteria, but I knew that was just because I was listening for it so intently.
"I'll just get a soda today," she continued as she moved to catch up with the line. I couldn't help flickering one glance in her direction. She was staring at the floor, the blood slowly fading from her face. I looked away quickly, to Emmett, who laughed at the now pained-looking smile on my face.
You look sick, bro.
I rearranged my features so the expression would seem casual and effortless. Jessica was wondering aloud about the girl's lack of appetite. "Aren't you hungry?"
"Actually, I feel a little sick." Her voice was lower, but still very clear. Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from Mike Newton's thoughts? What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them? It wasn't my business if Mike Newton felt unnecessarily anxious for her. Perhaps this was the way everyone responded to her. Hadn't I wanted, instinctively, to protect her, too? Before I'd wanted to kill her, that is...
But was the girl ill?
It was hard to judge - she looked so delicate with her translucent skin... Then I realized that I was worrying, too, just like that dimwitted boy, and I forced myself not to think about her health.
Regardless, I didn't like monitoring her through Mike's thoughts. I switched to Jessica's, watching carefully as the three of them chose which table to sit at. Fortunately, they sat with Jessica's usual companions, at one of the first tables in the room. Not downwind, just as Alice had promised.
Alice elbowed me. She's going to look soon, act human.
I clenched my teeth behind my grin.
"Ease up, Edward," Emmett said. "Honestly. So you kill one human. That's hardly the end of the world."
"You would know," I murmured.
Emmett laughed. "You've got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt."
Just then, Alice tossed a smaller handful of ice that she'd been hiding into Emmett's unsuspecting face.
He blinked, surprised, and then grinned in anticipation.
"You asked for it," he said as he leaned across the table and shook his iceencrusted hair in her direction. The snow, melting in the warm room, flew out from his hair in a thick shower of half-liquid, half-ice.
"Ew!" Rose complained, as she and Alice recoiled from the deluge.
Alice laughed, and we all joined in. I could see in Alice's head how she'd orchestrated this perfect moment, and I knew that the girl - I should stop thinking of her that way, as if she were the only girl in the world - that Bella would be watching us laugh and play, looking as happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Norman Rockwell painting.
Alice kept laughing, and held her tray up as a shield. The girl - Bella must still be staring at us.
...staring at the Cullens again, someone thought, catching my attention.
I looked automatically toward the unintentional call, realizing as my eyes found their destination that I recognized the voice - I'd been listening to it so much today. But my eyes slid right past Jessica, and focused on the girl's penetrating gaze. She looked down quickly, hiding behind her thick hair again.
What was she thinking? The frustration seemed to be getting more acute as time went on, rather than dulling. I tried - uncertain in what I was doing for I'd never tried this before - to probe with my mind at the silence around her. My extra hearing had always come to me naturally, without asking; I'd never had to work at it. But I concentrated now, trying to break through whatever shield surrounded her.
Nothing but silence.
What is it about her? Jessica thought, echoing my own frustration.
"Edward Cullen is staring at you," she whispered in the Swan girl's ear, adding a giggle. There was no hint of her jealous irritation in her tone. Jessica seemed to be skilled at feigning friendship.
I listened, too engrossed, to the girl's response.
"He doesn't look angry, does he?" she whispered back.
So she had noticed my wild reaction last week. Of course she had.
The question confused Jessica. I saw my own face in her thoughts as she checked my expression, but I did not meet her glance. I was still concentrating on the girl, trying to hear something. My intent focus didn't seem to be helping at all.
"No," Jess told her, and I knew that she wished she could say yes - how it rankled inside her, my staring - though there was no trace of that in her voice. "Should he be?" "I don't think he likes me," the girl whispered back, laying her head down on her arm as if she were suddenly tired. I tried to understand the motion, but I could only make guesses. Maybe she was tired.
"The Cullens don't like anybody," Jess reassured her. "Well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them." They never used to. Her thought was a grumble of complaint. "But he's still staring at you."
"Stop looking at him," the girl said anxiously, lifting her head from her arm to make sure Jessica obeyed the order.
Jessica giggled, but did as she was asked.
The girl did not look away from her table for the rest of the hour. I thought - though, of course, I could not be sure - that this was deliberate. It seemed like she wanted to look at me. Her body would shift slightly in my direction, her chin would begin to turn, and then she would catch herself, take a deep breath, and stare fixedly at whoever was speaking.
I ignored the other thoughts around the girl for the most part, as they were not, momentarily, about her. Mike Newton was planning a snow fight in the parking lot after school, not seeming to realize that the snow had already shifted to rain. The flutter of soft flakes against the roof had become the more common patter of raindrops. Could he really not hear the change? It seemed loud to me.
When the lunch period ended, I stayed in my seat. The humans filed out, and I caught myself trying to distinguish the sound of her footsteps from the sound of the rest, as if there was something important or unusual about them. How stupid.
My family made no move to leave, either. They waited to see what I would do.
Would I go to class, sit beside the girl where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin? Was I strong enough for that? Or had I had enough for one day?
"I...think it's okay," Alice said, hesitant. "Your mind is set. I think you'll make it through the hour."
But Alice knew well how quickly a mind could change.
"Why push it, Edward?" Jasper asked. Though he didn't want to feel smug that I was the one who was weak now, I could hear that he did, just a little. "Go home. Take it slow."
"What's the big deal?" Emmett disagreed. "Either he will or he won't kill her. Might as well get it over with, either way."
"I don't want to move yet," Rosalie complained. "I don't want to start over. We're almost out of high school, Emmett. Finally."
I was evenly torn on the decision. I wanted, wanted badly, to face this head on rather than running away again. But I didn't want to push myself too far, either. It had been a mistake last week for Jasper to go so long without hunting; was this just as pointless a mistake?
I didn't want to uproot my family. None of them would thank me for that.
But I wanted to go to my biology class. I realized that I wanted to see her face again.
That's what decided it for me. That curiosity. I was angry with myself for feeling it. Hadn't I promised myself that I wouldn't let the silence of the girl's mind make me unduly interested in her? And yet, here I was, most unduly interested.
I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her mind was closed, but her eyes were very open. Perhaps I could read them instead.
"No, Rose, I think it really will be okay," Alice said. "It's...firming up. I'm ninety-three percent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class." She looked at me inquisitively, wondering what had changed in my thoughts that made her vision of the future more secure.
Would curiosity be enough to keep Bella Swan alive?
Emmett was right, though - why not get it over with, either way? I would face the temptation head on.
"Go to class," I ordered, pushing away from the table. I turned and strode away from them without looking back. I could hear Alice's worry, Jasper's censure, Emmett's approval, and Rosalie's irritation trailing after me.
I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom, and then held it in my lungs as I walked into the small, warm space.
I was not late. Mr. Banner was still setting up for today's lab. The girl sat at my - at our table, her face down again, staring at the folder she was doodling on. I examined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of her mind, but it was meaningless. Just a random scribbling of loops within loops. Perhaps she was not concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else?
I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across the linoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someone's approach.
I knew she heard the sound; she did not look up, but her hand missed a loop in the design she was drawing, making it unbalanced.
Why didn't she look up? Probably she was frightened. I must be sure to leave her with a different impression this time. Make her think she'd been imagining things before.
"Hello," I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans more comfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth.
She looked up then, her wide brown eyes startled - almost bewildered - and full of silent questions. It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision for the last week.
As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate - the hate I'd imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing - had evaporated. Not breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.
Her cheeks began to flush, and she said nothing.
I kept my eyes on hers, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried to ignore the appetizing color of her skin. I had enough breath to speak for a while longer without inhaling.
"My name is Edward Cullen," I said, though I knew she knew that. It was the polite way to begin. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan."
She seemed confused - there was that little pucker between her eyes again. It took her half a second longer than it should have for her to respond. "How do you know my name?" she demanded, and her voice shook just a little.
I must have truly terrified her. This made me feel guilty; she was just so defenseless. I laughed gently - it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease. Again, I was careful about my teeth.
"Oh, I think everyone knows your name." Surely she must have realized that she'd become the center of attention in this monotonous place. "The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."
She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she seemed to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the opposite. Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.
"No," she said. "I meant, why did you call me Bella?"
"Do you prefer Isabella?" I asked, perplexed by the fact that I couldn't see where this question was leading. I didn't understand. Surely, she'd made her preference clear many times that first day. Were all humans this incomprehensible without the mental context as a guide?
"No, I like Bella," she answered, leaning her head slightly to one side. Her expression - if I was reading it correctly - was torn between embarrassment and confusion. "But I think Charlie - I mean my dad - must call me Isabella behind my back. That's what everyone here seems to know me as." Her skin darkened one shade pinker.
"Oh," I said lamely, and quickly looked away from her face.
I'd just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up - made an error. If I hadn't been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed her initially by her full name, just like everyone else. She'd noticed the difference. I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my nearness.
But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me she might be keeping locked inside her head.
I was out of air. If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale. It would be hard to avoid speaking. Unfortunately for her, sharing this table made her my lab partner, and we would have to work together today. It would seem odd - and incomprehensibly rude - for me to ignore her while we did the lab. It would make her more suspicious, more afraid...
I leaned as far away from her as I could without moving my seat, twisting my head out into the aisle. I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked in one quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone.
Ahh!
It was genuinely painful. Even without smelling her, I could taste her on my tongue. My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as that first moment I'd caught her scent last week.
I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself.
"Get started," Mr. Banner commanded.
It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that I'd achieved in seventy years of hard work to turn back to the girl, who was staring down at the table, and smile. "Ladies first, partner?" I offered.
She looked up at my expression and her face went blank, her eyes wide. Was there something off in my expression? Was she frightened again? She didn't speak. "Or, I could start, if you wish," I said quietly.
"No," she said, and her face went from white to red again. "I'll go first."
I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides, rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin. I took another quick breath, through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache.
"Prophase," she said after a quick examination. She started to remove the slide, though she'd barely examined it.
"Do you mind if I look?" Instinctively - stupidly, as if I were one of her kind - I reached out to stop her hand from removing the slide. For one second, the heat of her skin burned into mine. It was like an electric pulse - surely much hotter than a mere ninety-eight point six degrees. The heat shot through my hand and up my arm. She yanked her hand out from under mine.
"I'm sorry," I muttered through my clenched teeth. Needing somewhere to look, I grasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece. She was right.
"Prophase," I agreed.
I was still too unsettled to look at her. Breathing as quietly as I could through my gritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment, writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the first slide for the next.
What was she thinking now? What had that felt like to her, when I had touched her hand? My skin must have been ice cold - repulsive. No wonder she was so quiet. I glanced at the slide.
"Anaphase," I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line.
"May I?" she asked.
I looked up at her, surprised to see that she was waiting expectantly, one hand half-stretched toward the microscope. She didn't look afraid. Did she really think I'd gotten the answer wrong?
I couldn't help but smile at the hopeful look on her face as I slid the microscope toward her.
She stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded. The corners of her mouth turned down.
"Slide three?" she asked, not looking up from the microscope, but holding out her hand. I dropped the next slide into her hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close to hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.
She did not look at the slide for long. "Interphase," she said nonchalantly - perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that way - and pushed the microscope to me. She did not touch the paper, but waited for me to write the answer. I checked - she was correct again.
We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each other's eyes. We were the only ones done - the others in the class were having a harder time with the lab. Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentrating - he was trying to watch Bella and me.
Wish he'd stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously. Hmm, interesting. I hadn't realized the boy harbored any ill will towards me. This was a new development, about as recent as the girl's arrival it seemed. Even more interesting, I found - to my surprise - that the feeling was mutual.
I looked down at the girl again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheaval that, despite her ordinary, unthreatening appearance, she was wreaking on my life. It wasn't that I couldn't see what Mike was going on about. She was actually rather pretty...in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, her face was interesting. Not quite symmetrical - her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; extreme in the coloring - the light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and then there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets...
Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.
I stared back at her, trying to guess even one of those secrets.
"Did you get contacts?" she asked abruptly.
What a strange question. "No." I almost smiled at the idea of improving my eyesight.
"Oh," she mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes." I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only one attempting to ferret out secrets today.
I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher was making his rounds.
Of course there was something different about my eyes since the last time she'd stared into them. To prepare myself for today's ordeal, today's temptation, I'd spent the entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really. I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavor floating on the air around her. When I'd glared at her last, my eyes had been black with thirst. Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were a warmer gold. Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching.
Another slip. If I'd seen what she'd meant with her question, I could have just told her yes.
I'd sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and she was the first to examine me closely enough to note the change in my eye color. The others, while admiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned their stares. They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctive endeavor to keep themselves from understanding. Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.
Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?
Mr. Banner approached our table. I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air he brought with him before it could mix with her scent.
"So, Edward," he said, looking over our answers, "didn't you think Isabella should get a chance with the microscope?"
"Bella," I corrected him reflexively. "Actually, she identified three of the five." Mr. Banner's thoughts were skeptical as he turned to look at the girl. "Have you done this lab before?"
I watched, engrossed, as she smiled, looking slightly embarrassed.
"Not with onion root."
"Whitefish blastula?" Mr. Banner probed.
"Yeah."
This surprised him. Today's lab was something he'd pulled from a more advanced course. He nodded thoughtfully at the girl. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"
"Yes."
She was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.
"Well," Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips. "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." He turned and walked away mumbling, "So the other kids can get a chance to learn something for themselves," under his breath. I doubted the girl could hear that. She began scrawling loops across her folder again.
Two slips so far in one half hour. A very poor showing on my part. Though I had no idea at all what the girl thought of me - how much did she fear, how much did she suspect? - I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave her with a new impression of me. Something to better drown her memories of our ferocious last encounter. "It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" I said, repeating the small talk that I'd heard a dozen students discuss already. A boring, standard topic of conversation. The weather - always safe.
She stared at me with obvious doubt in her eyes - an abnormal reaction to my very normal words. "Not really," she said, surprising me again.
I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths. She was from a much brighter, warmer place - her skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairness - and the cold must make her uncomfortable. My icy touch certainly had...
"You don't like the cold," I guessed.
"Or the wet," she agreed.
"Forks must be a difficult place for you to live." Perhaps you should not have come here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong.
I wasn't sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her blood - was there any guarantee that I wouldn't eventually follow after her? Besides, if she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle. "You have no idea," she said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment.
Her answers were never what I expected. They made me want to ask more questions.
"Why did you come here, then?" I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone was too accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation. The question sounded rude, prying.
"It's...complicated."
She blinked her wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out of curiosity - the curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat. Actually, I found that it was getting slightly easier to breathe; the agony was becoming more bearable through familiarity.
"I think I can keep up," I insisted. Perhaps common courtesy would keep her answering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them.
She stared down silently at her hands. This made me impatient; I wanted to put my hand under her chin and tilt her head up so that I could read her eyes. But it would be foolish of me - dangerous - to touch her skin again.
She looked up suddenly. It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in her eyes again. She spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words.
"My mother got remarried."
Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand. Sadness passed through her clear eyes and brought the pucker back between them.
"That doesn't sound so complex," I said. My voice was gentle without my working to make it that way. Her sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse. "When did that happen?"
"Last September." She exhaled heavily - not quite a sigh. I held my breath as her warm breath brushed my face.
"And you don't like him," I guessed, fishing for more information.
"No, Phil is fine," she said, correcting my assumption. There was a hint of a smile now around the corners of her full lips. "Too young, maybe, but nice enough." This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.
"Why didn't you stay with them?" I asked, my voice a little too curious. It sounded like I was being nosy. Which I was, admittedly.
"Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living." The little smile grew more pronounced; this career choice amused her.
I smiled, too, without choosing to. I wasn't trying to make her feel at ease. Her smile just made me want to smile in response - to be in on the secret.
"Have I heard of him?" I ran through the rosters of professional ball players in my head, wondering which Phil was hers...
"Probably not. He doesn't play well." Another smile. "Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot."
The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and I'd tabulated a list of possibilities in less than a second. At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario.
"And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him," I said.
Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of her than questions did. It worked again. Her chin jutted out, and her expression was suddenly stubborn.
"No, she did not send me here," she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset her, though I couldn't quite see how. "I sent myself."
I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirely lost.
So I gave up. There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn't like other humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the only unusual things about her.
"I don't understand," I admitted, hating to concede.
She sighed, and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans were able to stand.
"She stayed with me at first, but she missed him," she explained slowly, her tone growing more forlorn with each word. "It made her unhappy...so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie."
The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened.
"But now you're unhappy," I murmured. I couldn't seem to stop speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her reactions. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark.
"And?" she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered.
I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. She was selfless.
As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to thin a little.
"That doesn't seem fair," I said. I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to conceal the intensity of my curiosity.
She laughed, but there was no amusement the sound. "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."
I wanted to laugh at her words, though I, too, felt no real amusement. I knew a little something about the unfairness of life. "I believe I have heard that somewhere before."
She stared back at me, seeming confused again. Her eyes flickered away, and then came back to mine.
"So that's all," she told me.
But I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little V between her eyes, a remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip. But, of course, I could not touch her. It was unsafe in so many ways.
"You put on a good show." I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis.
"But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see." She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout, and she looked back towards the front of the class. She didn't like it when I guessed right. She wasn't the average martyr - she didn't want an audience to her pain.
"Am I wrong?"
She flinched slightly, but otherwise pretended not to hear me.
That made me smile. "I didn't think so."
"Why does it matter to you?" she demanded, still staring away.
"That's a very good question," I admitted, more to myself than to answer her.
Her discernment was better than mine - she saw right to the core of things while I floundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues. The details of her very human life should not matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what she thought. Beyond protecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant.
I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much - I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.
The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom. Something about her frustrated expression was humorous. The whole situation, the whole conversation was humorous. No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girl - at any moment I might, distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation, inhale through my nose and attack her before I could stop myself - and she was irritated because I hadn't answered her question.
"Am I annoying you?" I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all.
She glanced at me quickly, and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze.
"Not exactly," she told me. "I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read - my mother always calls me her open book."
She frowned, disgruntled.
I stared at her in amazement. The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her too easily. How bizarre. I'd never expended so much effort to understand someone in all my life - or rather existence, as life was hardly the right word.
I did not truly have a life.
"On the contrary," I disagreed, feeling strangely...wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. "I find you very difficult to read."
"You must be a good reader then," she guessed, making her own assumption that was, again, right on target.
"Usually," I agreed.
I smiled at her widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of gleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them.
It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get some kind of warning through to the girl. Her body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger, intuitive as she seemed to be.
I didn't get to see if my warning had the intended effect. Mr. Banner called for the class's attention just then, and she turned away from me at once. She seemed a little relieved for the interruption, so maybe she understood unconsciously.
I hoped she did.
I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out. I could not afford to find Bella Swan interesting. Or rather, she could not afford that. Already, I was anxious for another chance to talk to her. I wanted to know more about her mother, her life before she came here, her relationship with her father. All the meaningless details that would flesh out her character further. But every second I spent with her was a mistake, a risk she shouldn't have to take.
Absentmindedly, she tossed her thick hair just at the moment that I allowed myself another breath. A particularly concentrated wave of her scent hit the back of my throat.
It was like the first day - like the wrecking ball. The pain of the burning dryness made me dizzy. I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat. This time I had slightly more control. I didn't break anything, at least. The monster growled inside me, but took no pleasure in my pain. He was too tightly bound. For the moment.
I stopped breathing altogether, and leaned as far from the girl as I could.
No, I could not afford to find her fascinating. The more interesting I found her, the more likely it was that I would kill her. I'd already made two minor slips today. Would I make a third, one that was not minor?
As soon as the bell sounded, I fled from the classroom - probably destroying whatever impression of politeness I'd halfway constructed in the course of the hour. Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside like it was a healing attar. I hurried to put as much distance between myself and the girl as was possible.
Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class. He read my wild expression for a moment.
How did it go? he wondered warily.
"Nobody died," I mumbled.
I guess that's something. When I saw Alice ditching there at the end, I thought...
As we walked into the classroom, I saw his memory from just a few moments ago, seen through the open door of his last class: Alice walking briskly and blank-faced across the grounds toward the science building. I felt his remembered urge to get up and join her, and then his decision to stay. If Alice needed his help, she would ask...
I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat. "I hadn't realized that it was that close. I didn't think I was going to...I didn't see that it was that bad," I whispered.
It wasn't, he reassured me. Nobody died, right?
"Right," I said through my teeth. "Not this time."
Maybe it will get easier.
"Sure."
Or, maybe you kill her. He shrugged. You wouldn't be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I'm impressed you've lasted this long.
"Not helping, Emmett."
I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl, that this was somehow inevitable. Was it her fault that she smelled so good?
I know when it happened to me..., he reminisced, taking me back with him half a century, to a country lane at dusk, where a middle-aged women was taking her dried sheets down from a line strung between apple trees. The scent of apples hung heavy in the air - the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds. A fresh-mowed field of hay was a background to that scent, a harmony. He walked up the lane, all.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-15 22:30
3. Phenomenon
Truly, I was not thirsty, but I decided to hunt again that night. A small ounce of prevention, inadequate though I knew it to be.
Carlisle came with me; we hadn't been alone together since I'd returned from Denali. As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week.
In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair. I felt his surprise and sudden worry.
"Edward?"
"I have to go, Carlisle. I have to go now."
"What's happened?"
"Nothing. Yet. But it will, if I stay."
He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand.
"I don't understand."
"Have you ever...has there ever been a time..."
I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern.
"Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them? Much better?"
"Oh."
When I'd known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame. He'd reached out to touch me, ignoring it when I'd recoiled again, and left his hand on my shoulder.
"Do what you must to resist, son. I will miss you. Here, take my car. It's faster."
He was wondering now if he'd done the right thing then, sending me away. Wondering if he hadn't hurt me with his lack of trust.
"No," I whispered as I ran. "That was what I needed. I might so easily have betrayed that trust, if you'd told me to stay."
"I'm sorry you're suffering, Edward. But you should do what you can to keep the Swan child alive. Even if it means that you must leave us again."
"I know, I know."
"Why did you come back? You know how happy I am to have you here, but if this is too difficult..."
"I didn't like feeling a coward," I admitted.
We'd slowed - we were barely jogging through the darkness now.
"Better that than to put her in danger. She'll be gone in a year or two." "You're right, I know that." Contrarily, though, his words only made me more anxious to stay. The girl would be gone in a year or two...
Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him; he turned to examine my expression.
But you're not going to run, are you?
I hung my head.
Is it pride, Edward? There's no shame in -
"No, it isn't pride that keeps me here. Not now."
Nowhere to go?
I laughed shortly. "No. That wouldn't stop me, if I could make myself leave." "We'll come with you, of course, if that's what you need. You only have to ask. You've moved on without complaint for the rest of them. They won't begrudge you this."
I raised one eyebrow.
He laughed. "Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, it's much better for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended." All humor was gone by the end.
I flinched at his words.
"Yes," I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.
But you're not leaving?
I sighed. "I should."
"What holds you here, Edward? I'm failing to see..."
"I don't know if I can explain." Even to myself, it made no sense.
He measured my expression for a long moment.
No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer.
"Thank you. It's generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one." With one exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasn't I? We all have our quirks. He laughed again. Shall we?
He'd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less than mouthwatering aroma. Right now, with the memory of the girl's blood fresh in my mind, the smell actually turned my stomach.
I sighed. "Let's," I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little.
We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward.
It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin sheet of glass covered everything - each pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass was iced over.
While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the river, waiting for the sun to rise. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I'd consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girl again.
Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside the icy bank, stared right through it.
Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explain my absence. Boarding school in Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway. The story didn't matter. No one would question too intensely.
It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear. She would go on with her life - she would have a life to go on with. She'd go to college somewhere, get older, start a career, perhaps marry someone. I could picture that - I could see the girl dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her father's.
It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldn't understand it. Was I jealous, because she had a future that I could never have? That made no sense. Every one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of them - a life - and I rarely stopped to envy them.
I should leave her to her future. Stop risking her life. That was the right thing to do. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now. The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen glass.
One more day, I decided. I would see her one more time. I could handle that.
Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up.
This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was already making me think of excuses to stay - to extend the deadline to two days, three, four... But I would do the right thing. I knew I could trust Carlisle's advice. And I also knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone.
Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite?
I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school. Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor.
You're leaving again, she accused me.
I sighed and nodded.
I can't see where you're going this time.
"I don't know where I'm going yet," I whispered.
I want you to stay.
I shook my head.
Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?
"They'll need you all the more, if I'm not here to watch out for them. And think of Esme. Would you take half her family away in one blow?"
You're going to make her so sad.
"I know. That's why you have to stay."
That's not the same as having you here, and you know it.
"Yes. But I have to do what's right." There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, aren't there?
For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in with strange shadows that I couldn't make out - hazy, imprecise forms. And then, suddenly, my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow. This was a place I knew. There was a figure in the meadow with me, but, again, it was indistinct, not there enough to recognize. The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices rearranged the future again.
"I didn't catch much of that," I told her when the vision went dark.
Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I can't keep up with any of it. I think, though...
She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for me. They were all the same - blurry and vague.
"I think something is changing, though," she said out loud. "Your life seems to be at a crossroads."
I laughed grimly. "You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnival now, right?"
She stuck her tiny tongue out at me.
"Today is all right, though, isn't it?" I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive. "I don't see you killing anyone today," she assured me.
"Thanks, Alice."
"Go get dressed. I won't say anything - I'll let you tell the others when you're ready."
She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly. Miss you. Really.
Yes, I would really miss her, too.
It was a quiet ride to school. Jasper could tell that Alice was upset about something, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done so already. Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazing into each others' eyes with wonder - it was rather disgusting to watch from the outside. We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were. Or maybe I was just being bitter because I was the only one alone. Some days it was harder than others to live with three sets of perfectly matched lovers. This was one of them.
Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered and belligerent as the old man I should be by now.
Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the girl. Just preparing myself again.
Right.
It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but her - my whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myself anymore.
It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after eighty years of the same thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.
She had not yet arrived, but could I hear the thunderous chugging of her truck's engine in the distance. I leaned against the side of the car to wait. Alice stayed with me, while the others went straight to class. They were bored with my fixation - it was incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter how delicious she smelled.
The girl drove slowly into view, her eyes intent on the road and her hands tight on the wheel. She seemed anxious about something. It took me a second to figure out what that something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today. Ah, the road was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully. I could see she was taking the added risk seriously.
That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character. I added this to my small list: she was a serious person, a responsible person.
She parked not too far from me, but she hadn't noticed me standing here yet, staring at her. I wondered what she would do when she did? Blush and walk away?
That was my first guess. But maybe she would stare back. Maybe she would come to talk to me.
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case.
She got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before she put her weight on it. She didn't look up, and that frustrated me. Maybe I would go talk to her... No, that would be wrong.
Instead of turning toward the school, she made her way to the rear of her truck, clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting her footing. It made me smile, and I felt Alice's eyes on my face. I didn't listen to whatever this made her think - I was having too much fun watching the girl check her snow chains. She actually looked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around. No one else was having trouble - had she parked in the worst of the ice?
She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face. It was...tender? As if something about the tire was making her...emotional? Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if I had to know what she was thinking - as if nothing else mattered.
I would go talk to her. She looked like she could use a hand anyway, at least until she was off the slick pavement. Of course, I couldn't offer her that, could I? I hesitated, torn. As adverse as she seemed to be to snow, she would hardly welcome the touch of my cold white hand. I should have worn gloves -
"NO!" Alice gasped aloud.
Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice and she saw me doing something inexcusable. But it had nothing to do with me at all. Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious speed. This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice...
The vision came just half a second before the reality. Tyler's van rounded the corner as I was still watching the conclusion that had pulled the horrified gasp through Alice's lips.
No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had everything to do with me, because Tyler's van - the tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle - was going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focal point of my world.
Even without Alice's foresight it would have been simple enough to read the trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tyler's control.
The girl, standing in the exactly wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up, bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires. She looked straight into my horrorstruck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death.
Not her! The words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else.
Still locked into Alice's thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had no time to see what the outcome would be.
I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van and the frozen girl. I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object of my focus. She didn't see me - no human eyes could have followed my flight - still staring at the hulking shape that was about to grind her body into the metal frame of her truck.
I caught her around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as gentle as she would need me to be. In the hundredth of a second between the time that I yanked her slight form out of the path of death and the time that I crashed into to the ground with her in my arms, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body.
When I heard her head crack against the ice, it felt like I had turned to ice, too.
But I didn't even have a full second to ascertain her condition. I heard the van behind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the girl's truck. It was changing course, arcing, coming for her again - like she was a magnet, pulling it toward us.
A word I'd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
I had already done too much. As I'd nearly flown through the air to push her out of the way, I'd been fully aware of the mistake I was making. Knowing that it was a mistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was taking - taking, not just for myself, but for my entire family.
Exposure.
And this certainly wasn't going to help, but there was no way I was going to allow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take her life.
I dropped her and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch the girl. The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside her truck, and I could feel its frame buckle behind my shoulders. The van shuddered and shivered against the unyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on the two far tires. If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going fall onto her legs.
Oh, for the love of all that was holy, would the catastrophes never end? Was there anything else that could go wrong? I could hardly sit here, holding the van in the air, and wait for rescue. Nor could I throw the van away - there was the driver to consider, his thoughts incoherent with panic.
With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for an instant. As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while I wrapped my left arm around the girl's waist again and drug her out from under the van, pulling her tight up against my side. Her body moved limply as I swung her around so that her legs would be in the clear - was she conscious? How much damage had I done to her in my impromptu rescue attempt?
I let the van drop, now that it could not hurt her. It crashed to the pavement, all the windows shattering in unison.
I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis. How much had she seen? Had any other witnesses watched me materialize at her side and then juggle the van while I tried to keep her out from under it? These questions should be my biggest concern.
But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as I should. Too panic-stricken that I might have injured her myself in my effort to protect her. Too frightened to have her this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowed myself to inhale. Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mine - even through the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat...
The first fear was the greatest fear. As the screaming of the witnesses erupted around us, I leaned down to examine her face, to see if she was conscious - hoping fiercely that she was not bleeding anywhere.
Her eyes were open, staring in shock.
"Bella?" I asked urgently. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." She said the words automatically in a dazed voice.
Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of her voice. I sucked in a breath through my teeth, and did not mind the accompanying burn in my throat. I almost welcomed it.
She struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release her. It felt somehow...safer? Better, at least, having her tucked into my side.
"Be careful," I warned her. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."
There had been no smell of fresh blood - a mercy, that - but this did not rule out internal damage. I was abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full compliment of radiology equipment.
"Ow," she said, her tone comically shocked as she realized I was right about her head.
"That's what I thought." Relief made it funny to me, made me almost giddy. "How in the..." Her voice trailed off, and her eyelids fluttered. "How did you get over here so fast?"
The relief turned sour, the humor vanished. She had noticed too much.
Now that it appeared that the girl was in decent shape, the anxiety for my family became severe.
"I was standing right next to you, Bella." I knew from experience that if I was very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth.
She struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it. I needed to breathe so that I could play my role correctly. I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that it would not combine with her scent to overwhelm me. I slid away from her, as far as was possible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles.
She stared up at me, and I stared back. To look away first was a mistake only an incompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar. My expression was smooth, benign... It seemed to confuse her. That was good.
The accident scene was surrounded now. Mostly students, children, peering and pushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible. There was a babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought. I scanned the thoughts once to make sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the girl. She was distracted by the bedlam. She glanced around, her expression still stunned, and tried to get to her feet.
I put my hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her down.
"Just stay put for now." She seemed alright, but should she really be moving her neck? Again, I wished for Carlisle. My years of theoretical medical study were no match for his centuries of hands-on medical practice.
"But it's cold," she objected.
She had almost been crushed to death two distinct times and crippled one more, and it was the cold that worried her. A chuckle slid through my teeth before I could remember that the situation was not funny.
Bella blinked, and then her eyes focused on my face. "You were over there."
That sobered me again.
She glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but the crumpled side of the van. "You were by your car."
"No, I wasn't."
"I saw you," she insisted; her voice was childlike when she was being stubborn. Her chin jutted out.
"Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way."
I stared deeply into her wide eyes, trying to will her into accepting my version - the only rational version on the table.
Her jaw set. "No."
I tried to stay calm, to not panic. If only I could keep her quiet for a few moments, to give me a chance to destroy the evidence....and undermine her story by disclosing her head injury.
Shouldn't it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet? If only she would trust me, just for a few moments...
"Please, Bella," I said, and my voice was too intense, because I suddenly wanted her to trust me. Wanted it badly, and not just in regards to this accident. A stupid desire. What sense would it make for her to trust me?
"Why?" she asked, still defensive.
"Trust me," I pleaded.
"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"
It made me angry to have to lie to her again, when I so much wished that I could somehow deserve her trust. So, when I answered her, it was a retort.
"Fine."
"Fine," she echoed in the same tone.
While the rescue attempt began around us - adults arriving, authorities called, sirens in the distance - I tried to ignore the girl and get my priorities in the right order. I searched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I could find nothing dangerous. Many were surprised to see me here beside Bella, but all concluded - as there was no other possible conclusion - that they had just not noticed me standing by the girl before the accident.
She was the only one who didn't accept the easy explanation, but she would be considered the least reliable witness. She had been frightened, traumatized, not to mention sustaining the blow to the head. Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable for her story to be confused, wouldn't it? No one would give it much credence above so many other spectators...
I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arriving on the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.
I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car, but the girl was too close. I'd have to wait till she was distracted.
It was frustrating to wait - so many eyes on me - as the humans struggled with the van, trying to pull it away from us. I might have helped them, just to speed the process, but I was already in enough trouble and the girl had sharp eyes. Finally, they were able to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers. A familiar, grizzled face appraised me.
"Hey, Edward," Brett Warner said. He was also a registered nurse, and I knew him well from the hospital. It was a stroke of luck - the only luck today - that he was the first through to us. In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm. "You okay, kid?"
"Perfect, Brett. Nothing touched me. But I'm afraid Bella here might have a concussion. She really hit her head when I yanked her out of the way..."
Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. She was the quiet martyr - she'd prefer to suffer in silence. She did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feel easier.
The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasn't too difficult to dissuade him. I promised I would let my father examine me, and he let it go. With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans, just not the girl, of course. Did she fit into any of the normal patterns? As they put a neck brace on her - and her face flushed scarlet with embarrassment - I used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of the dent in the tan car with the back of my foot. Only my siblings noticed what I was doing, and I heard Emmett's mental promise to catch anything I missed.
Grateful for his help - and more grateful that Emmett, at least, had already forgiven my dangerous choice - I was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of the ambulance next to Brett.
The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Bella into the back of the ambulance.
Though Bella's father's thoughts were past words, the panic and concern emanating out of the man's mind drown out just about every other thought in the vicinity. Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only daughter on the gurney.
Washed out of him and through me, echoing and growing stronger. When Alice had warned me that killing Charlie Swan's daughter would kill him, too, she had not been exaggerating.
My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice.
"Bella!" he shouted.
"I'm completely fine, Char - Dad." She sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."
Her assurance barely soothed his dread. He turned at once to the closest EMT and demanded more information.
I wasn't until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despite his panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concern were not wordless. I just...could not hear the exact words.
Hmm. Charlie Swan was not as silent as his daughter, but I could see where she got it from. Interesting.
I'd never spent much time around the town's police chief. I'd always taken him for a man of slow thought - now I realized that I was the one who was slow. His thoughts were partially concealed, not absent. I could only make out the tenor, the tone of them...
I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key to the girl's secrets. But Bella was loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was on its way.
It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had come to obsess me. But I had to think now - to look at what had been done today from every angle. I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger that we would have to leave immediately. I had to concentrate.
There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me. As far as they could tell, there was nothing seriously wrong with the girl. And Bella was sticking to the story I'd provided, thus far.
The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle. I hurried through the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Bella; I kept an eye on her through the paramedics' thoughts.
It was easy to find my father's familiar mind. He was in his small office, all alone - the second stroke of luck in this luckless day.
"Carlisle."
He'd heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face. He jumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white. He leaned forward across the neatly organized walnut desk.
Edward - you didn't -
"No, no, it's not that."
He took deep breath. Of course not. I'm sorry I entertained the thought. Your eyes, of course, I should have known... He noted my still-golden eyes with relief. "She's hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, but - "
"What happened?"
"A stupid car accident. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I couldn't just stand there - let it crush her - "
Start over, I don't understand. How were you involved?
"A van skidded across the ice," I whispered. I stared at the wall behind him while I spoke. Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil painting - a favorite of his, an undiscovered Hassam. "She was in the way. Alice saw it coming, but there wasn't time to do anything but really run across the lot and shove her out of the way. No one noticed...except for her. I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody saw that...besides her. I'm...I'm sorry Carlisle. I didn't mean to put us in danger." He circled the desk and put his hand on my shoulder.
You did the right thing. And it couldn't have been easy for you. I'm proud of you, Edward.
I could look him in the eye then. "She knows there's something...wrong with me."
"That doesn't matter. If we have to leave, we leave. What has she said?" I shook my head, a little frustrated. "Nothing yet."
Yet?
"She agreed to my version of events - but she's expecting an explanation." He frowned, pondering this.
"She hit her head - well, I did that," I continued quickly. "I knocked her to the ground fairly hard. She seems fine, but... I don't think it will take much to discredit her account."
I felt like a cad just saying the words.
Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice. Perhaps that won't be necessary. Let's see what happens, shall we? It sounds like I have a patient to check on.
"Please," I said. "I'm so worried that I hurt her."
Carlisle's expression brightened. He smoothed his fair hair - just a few shades lighter than his golden eyes - and he laughed.
It's been an interesting day for you, hasn't it? In his mind, I could see the irony, and it was humorous, at least to him. Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during that short thoughtless second when I'd sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from killer to protector.
I laughed with him, remembering how sure I'd been that Bella would never need protecting from anything more than myself. There was an edge to my laugh because, van notwithstanding, that was still entirely true.
I waited alone in Carlisle's office - one of the longer hours I had ever lived - listening to the hospital full of thoughts.
Tyler Crowley, the van's driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and the attention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be X-rayed. Carlisle kept in the background, trusting the PA's diagnosis that the girl was only slightly injured. This made me anxious, but I knew he was right. One glance at his face and she would be immediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about my family, and that might set her talking.
She certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with. Tyler was consumed with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, and he couldn't seem to shut up about it. I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished he would stop. How did he not see that?
There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked her how she'd gotten out of the way.
I waited, not breathing, as she hesitated.
"Um..." he heard her say. Then she paused for so long that Tyler wondered if his question had confused her. Finally, she went on. "Edward pulled me out of the way." I exhaled. And then my breathing accelerated. I'd never heard her speak my name before. I like the way it sounded - even just hearing it through Tyler's thoughts. I wanted to hear it for myself...
"Edward Cullen," she said, when Tyler didn't realize who she meant. I found myself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see her was growing stronger. I had to remind myself of the need for caution.
"He was standing next to me."
"Cullen?" Huh. That's weird. "I didn't see him." I could have sworn... "Wow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?"
"I think so. He's here somewhere, but they didn't make him use a stretcher." I saw the thoughtful look on her face, the suspicious tightening of her eyes, but these little changes in her expression were lost on Tyler.
She's pretty, he was thinking, almost in surprise. Even all messed up. Not my usual type, still... I should take her out. Make up for today...
I was out in the hall, then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking for one second about what I was doing. Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I could - it was Bella's turn for X-rays. I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around the corner, and tried to get a grip on myself while she was wheeled away.
It didn't matter that Tyler thought she was pretty. Anyone would notice that.
There was no reason for me to feel...how did I feel? Annoyed? Or was angry closer to the truth? That made no sense at all.
I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me and I took a back way around to the radiology room. She'd already been moved back to the ER, but I was able to take a peek at her x-rays while the nurse's back was turned. I felt calmer when I had. Her head was fine. I hadn't hurt her, not really.
Carlisle caught me there.
You look better, he commented.
I just looked straight ahead. We weren't alone, the halls full of orderlies and visitors.
Ah, yes. He stuck her x-rays to the lightboard, but I didn't need a second look. I see. She's absolutely fine. Well done, Edward.
The sound of my father's approval created a mixed reaction in me. I would have been pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to do now. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations...
"I think I'm going to go talk to her - before she sees you," I murmured under my breath. "Act natural, like nothing happened. Smooth it over." All acceptable reasons. Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the x-rays. "Good idea. Hmm." I looked to see what had his interest.
Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did her mother drop her? Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke.
"I'm beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time."
Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here.
I flinched.
Go ahead. Smooth things over. I'll join you momentarily.
I walked away quickly, feeling guilty. Perhaps I was too good a liar, if I could fool Carlisle.
When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing. The girl was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep. Her eyes were closed, but her breathing was not even, and now and then her fingers would twitch impatiently. I stared at her face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see her. That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave any puzzle unsolved? That did not seem like enough of an explanation.
Finally, I took a deep breath and moved into view.
When Tyler saw me, he started to speak, but I put one finger to my lips.
"Is she sleeping?" I murmured.
Bella's eyes snapped open and focused on my face. They widened momentarily, and then narrowed in anger or suspicion. I remembered that I had a role to play, so I smiled at her as if nothing unusual had happened this morning - besides a blow to her head and a bit of imagination run wild.
"Hey, Edward," Tyler said. "I'm really sorry - "
I raised one hand to halt his apology. "No blood, no foul," I said wryly. Without thinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke.
It was amazingly easy to ignore Tyler, lying no more than four feet from me, covered in fresh blood. I'd never understood how Carlisle was able to do that - ignore the blood of his patients in order to treat them. Wouldn't the constant temptation be so distracting, so dangerous...? But, now... I could see how, if you were focusing on something else hard enough, the temptation was be nothing at all.
Even fresh and exposed, Tyler's blood had nothing on Bella's.
I kept my distance from her, seating myself on the foot of Tyler's mattress.
"So, what's the verdict?" I asked her.
Her lower lip pushed out a little. "There's nothing wrong with me at all, but they won't let me go. How come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?" Her impatience made me smile again.
I could hear Carlisle in the hall now.
"It's all about who you know," I said lightly. "But don't worry, I came to spring you."
I watched her reaction carefully as my father entered the room. Her eyes widened and her mouth actually fell open in surprise. I groaned internally. Yes, she'd certainly noticed the resemblance.
"So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?" Carlisle asked. He had a wonderfully soothing beside manner that put most patients at ease within moments. I couldn't tell how it affected Bella.
"I'm fine," she said quietly.
Carlisle clipped her X-rays to the lightboard by the bed. "Your X-rays look good. Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard."
She sighed, and said, "I'm fine," again, but this time impatience leaked into her voice. Then she glowered once in my direction.
Carlisle stepped closer to her and ran his fingers gently over her scalp until he found the bump under her hair.
I was caught off guard by the wave of emotion that crashed over me.
I had seen Carlisle work with humans a thousand times. Years ago, I had even assisted him informally - though only in situations where blood was not involved. So it wasn't a new thing to me, to watch him interact with the girl as if he were as human as she was. I'd envied his control many times, but that was not the same as this emotion. I envied him more than his control. I ached for the difference between Carlisle and me - that he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her... She winced, and I twitched in my seat. I had to concentrate for a moment to keep my relaxed posture.
"Tender?" Carlisle asked.
Her chin jerked up a fraction. "Not really," she said.
Another small piece of her character fell into place: she was brave. She didn't like to show weakness.
Possibly the most vulnerable creature I'd ever seen, and she didn't want to seem weak. A chuckle slid through my lips.
She shot another glare at me.
"Well," Carlisle said. "Your father is in the waiting room - you can go home with him now. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all." Her father was here? I swept through the thoughts in the crowded waiting room, but I couldn't pick his subtle mental voice out of the group before she was speaking again, her face anxious.
"Can't I go back to school?"
"Maybe you should take it easy today," Carlisle suggested.
Her eyes flickered back to me. "Does he get to go to school?"
Act normal, smooth things over...ignore the way it feels when she looks me in the eye...
"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," I said.
"Actually," Carlisle corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."
I anticipated her reaction this time - her aversion to attention. She didn't disappoint.
"Oh no," she moaned, and she put her hands over her face.
I liked that I'd finally guessed right. I was beginning to understand her... "Do you want to stay?" Carlisle asked.
"No, no!" she said quickly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress and sliding down till her feet were on the floor. She stumbled forward, off-balance, into Carlisle's arms. He caught and steadied her.
Again, the envy flooded through me.
"I'm fine," she said before he could comment, faint pink in her cheeks.
Of course, that wouldn't bother Carlisle. He made sure she was balanced, and then dropped his hands.
"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he instructed.
"It doesn't hurt that bad."
Carlisle smiled as he signed her chart. "It sounds like you were extremely lucky." She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes. "Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me."
"Oh, well, yes," Carlisle agreed quickly, hearing the same thing in her voice that I heard. She hadn't written her suspicions off as imagination. Not yet.
All yours, Carlisle thought. Handle it as you think best.
"Thanks so much," I whispered, quick and quiet. Neither human heard me.
Carlisle's lips turned up a tiny bit at my sarcasm as he turned to Tyler. "I'm afraid that you'll have to stay with us just a little bit longer," he said as he began examining the slashes left by the shattered windshield.
Well, I'd made the mess, so it was only fair that I had to deal with it. Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortably close. I remembered how I had hoped, before all the mayhem, that she would approach me... This was like a mockery of that wish.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" she hissed at me.
Her warm breath brushed my face and I had to stagger back a step. Her appeal had not abated one bit. Every time she was near me, it triggered all my worst, most urgent instincts. Venom flowed in my mouth and my body yearned to strike - to wrench her into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth.
My mind was stronger than my body, but only just.
"Your father is waiting for you," I reminded her, my jaw clenched tight.
She glanced toward Carlisle and Tyler. Tyler was paying us no attention at all, but Carlisle was monitoring my every breath.
Carefully, Edward.
"I'd like to speak to you alone, if you don't mind," she insisted in a low voice. I wanted to tell her that I did mind very much, but I knew I would have to do this eventually. I may as well get on with it.
I was full of so many conflicting emotions as I stalked out of the room, listening to her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up.
I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play - I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel.
It went against all my better impulses - the human impulses that I'd clung to through all these years. I'd never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment, when I had to destroy all possibility of it.
It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have of me. This was my farewell scene.
I turned on her.
"What do you want?" I asked coldly.
She cringed back slightly from my hostility. Her eyes turned bewildered, the expression that had haunted me...
"You owe me an explanation," she said in a small voice; her ivory face blanched. It was very hard to keep my voice harsh. "I saved your life - I don't owe you anything."
She flinched - it burned like acid to watch my words hurt her.
"You promised," she whispered.
"Bella, you hit your head, you don't know what you're talking about."
Her chin came up then. "There's nothing wrong with my head."
She was angry now, and that made it easier for me. I met her glare, making my face more unfriendly.
"What do you want from me, Bella?"
"I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you."
What she wanted was only fair - it frustrated me to have to deny her.
"What do you think happened?" I nearly growled at her.
Her words poured out in a torrent. "All I know is that you weren't anywhere near me - Tyler didn't see you, either, so don't tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both - and it didn't, and your hands left dents in the side of it - and you left a dent in the other car, and you're not hurt at all - and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up..." Suddenly, she clenched her teeth together and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.
I stared at her, my expression derisive, though what I really felt was awe; she had seen everything.
"You think I lifted a van off you?" I asked sarcastically.
She answered with one stiff nod.
My voice grew more mocking. "Nobody will believe that, you know."
She made an effort to control her anger. When she answered me, she spoke each word with slow deliberation. "I'm not going to tell anybody."
She meant it - I could see that in her eyes. Even furious and betrayed, she would keep my secret.
Why?
The shock of it ruined my carefully designed expression for half a second, and then I pulled myself together.
"Then why does it matter?" I asked, working to keep my voice severe.
"It matters to me," she said intensely. "I don't like to lie - so there'd better be a good reason why I'm doing it."
She was asking me to trust her. Just as I wanted her to trust me. But this was a line I could not cross.
My voice stayed callous. "Can't you just thank me and get it over with?" "Thank you," she said, and then she fumed silently, waiting.
"You're not going to let it go, are you?"
"No."
"In that case..." I couldn't tell her the truth if I wanted to...and I didn't want to. I'd rather she made up her own story than know what I was, because nothing could be worse than the truth - I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel. "I hope you enjoy disappointment."
We scowled at each other. It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like a furious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability.
She flushed pink and ground her teeth together again. "Why did you even bother?"
Her question wasn't one that I was expecting or prepared to answer. I lost my hold on the role I was playing. I felt the mask slip from my face, and I told her - this one time - the truth.
"I don't know."
I memorized her face one last time - it was still set in lines of anger, the blood not yet faded from her cheeks - and then I turned and walked away from her.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-15 22:36
4. Visions
I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way to behave.
By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. Just Tyler and Bella and a few others - who were probably using the accident as a chance to ditch - remained absent.
It shouldn't be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I was gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning ditch, too - in order to go find the girl again.
Like a stalker. An obsessessed stalker. An obsessessed, vampire stalker.
School today was - somehow, impossibly - even more boring than it had seemed just a week ago. Coma-like. It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees, the sky, the faces around me... I stared at the cracks in the walls.
There was another right thing I should be doing...that I was not. Of course, it was also a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.
From the perspective of a Cullen - not just a vampire, but a Cullen, someone who belonged to a family, such a rare state in our world - the right thing to do would have gone something like this:
"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."
"Yes, I was, Mr. Banner, but I was the lucky one." A friendly smile. "I didn't get hurt at all... I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Bella."
"How are they?"
"I think Tyler is fine...just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass. I'm not sure about Bella, though." A worried frown. "She might have a concussion. I heard she was pretty incoherent for a while - seeing things even. I know the doctors were worried..."
That's how it should have gone. That's what I owed my family.
"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."
"I wasn't hurt." No smile.
Mr. Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable.
"Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Bella Swan are? I heard there were some injuries..."
I shrugged. "I wouldn't know."
Mr. Banner cleared his throat. "Er, right..." he said, my cold stare making his voice sound a bit strained.
He walked quickly back to the front of classroom and began his lecture.
It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure point of view.
It just seemed so...so unchivalrous to slander the girl behind her back, especially when she was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. She hadn't said anything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so. Would I betray her when she had done nothing but keep my secret?
I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Goff - just in Spanish rather than in English - and Emmett gave me a long look.
I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Rose is on the warpath.
I rolled my eyes without looking at him.
I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation. Just suppose I hadn't done anything to stop the van from crushing the girl... I recoiled from that thought. But if she had been hit, if she'd been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting on the blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air ...
I shuddered again, but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, I would not have been able to watch her bleed without exposing us all in a much more flagrant and shocking way.
It was a perfectly sound excuse...but I wouldn't use it. It was too shameful. And I hadn't thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.
Look out for Jasper, Emmett went on, oblivious to my reverie. He's not as angry...but he's more resolved.
I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me. My rage was so all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.
SHEESH, EDWARD! GET A GRIP! Emmett shouted at me in his head. His hand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet. He rarely used his full strength - there was rarely a need, for he was so much stronger than any vampire any of us had ever encountered - but he used it now. He gripped my arm, rather than pushing me down. If he'd been pushing, the chair under me would have collapsed.
EASY! He ordered.
I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.
Jasper's not going to do anything until we all talk. I just thought you should know the direction he's headed.
I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmett's hand loosen.
Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself. You're in enough trouble as it is. I took a deep breath and Emmett released me.
I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short and silent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed. None of them knew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. The Cullens were freaks - everyone knew that already.
Damn, kid, you're a mess, Emmett added, sympathy in his tone.
"Bite me," I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle.
Emmett didn't hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easy going nature. But I could see that Jasper's intentions made sense to Emmett, that he was considering how it might be the best course of action.
The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was, but he'd yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated, but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was a part of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.
A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my family over a human I barely knew?
I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the girl's body in my arms in juxtaposition with Jasper, Rose, and Emmett - supernaturally strong and fast, killing machines by nature...
Yes, I would fight for her. Against my family. I shuddered.
But it wasn't fair to leave her undefended when I was the one who'd put her in danger.
I couldn't win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered who my allies would be.
Carlisle, certainly. He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly against Rose's and Jasper's designs. That might be all I needed. I would see...
Esme, doubtful. She would not side against me either, and she would hate to disagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact. Her first priority would not be rightness, but me. If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esme was the heart. He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following into an act of love. We all loved each other - even under the fury I felt toward Jasper and Rose right now, even planning to fight them to save the girl, I knew that I loved them. Alice...I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. She would side with the winner, I imagined.
So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn't a match for them alone, but I wasn't going to let the girl be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action... My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor. I could imagine how the girl would react to my kidnapping her. Of course, I rarely guessed her reactions right - but what other reaction could she have besides terror?
I wasn't sure how to manage that, though - kidnapping her. I wouldn't be able to stand being close to her for very long. Perhaps I would just deliver her back to her mother. Even that much would be fraught with danger. For her.
And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill her by accident... I wasn't certain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifaceted and intense.
The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me: the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might be forced to go to afterward...
Well, I couldn't complain that life outside this school was monotonous any more. The girl had changed that much.
Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worrying about me, and worrying about Rosalie. He knew whose side he would have to choose in a quarrel, and it bothered him.
The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group. Only I could hear the shouting.
Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish, irresponsible fool! Rosalie kept up a constant stream of insults at the top of her mental lungs. It made it hard to hear the others, but I ignored her as best I could.
Emmett was right about Jasper. He was sure of his course.
Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping through images of the future. No matter which direction Jasper came at the girl, Alice always saw me there, blocking him. Interesting...neither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions. So Jasper planned to work alone. That would even things up.
Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us. My one advantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them.
I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper - just horsing around. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper...
No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.
I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jasper's different avenues of attack.
As I did that, her visions shifted, moving further and further away from the Swan's house. I was cutting him off earlier...
Stop that, Edward! It can't happen this way. I won't let it.
I didn't answer her, I just kept watching.
She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distant possibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.
The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garage off the house; Carlisle's Mercedes was there, next to Emmett's big jeep, Rose's M3 and my Vanquish. I was glad Carlisle was already home - this silence would end explosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.
We went straight to the dining room.
The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it was furnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs - we were scrupulous about having all the correct props in place. Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room. In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary to discuss things in a calm, seated manner.
I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.
Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Esme was beside him - they held hands on top of the table.
Esme's eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern.
Stay. It was her only thought.
I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had no reassurances for her now.
I sat on Carlisle's other side. Esme reached around him to put her free hand on my shoulder. She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying about me.
Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightly together and his forehead was creased. The expression looked too old for his young face. As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn.
Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table. She glared at me, never looking away.
Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry.
Jasper hesitated, and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie. He was decided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.
Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away - the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it, she sat next to Esme. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Jasper twitched uneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.
I took a deep breath. I had started this - I should speak first.
"I'm sorry," I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett. "I didn't mean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for my hasty action."
Rosalie glared at me balefully. "What do you mean, 'take full responsibility'? Are you going to fix it?"
"Not the way you mean," I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. "I'm willing to leave now, if that makes things better." If I believe that the girl will be safe, if I believe that none of you will touch her, I amended in my head.
"No," Esme murmured. "No, Edward."
I patted her hand. "It's just a few years."
"Esme's right, though," Emmett said. "You can't go anywhere now. That would be the opposite of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more than ever."
"Alice will catch anything major," I disagreed. Carlisle shook his head. "I think Emmett is right, Edward. The girl will be more likely to talk if you disappear. It's all of us leave, or none of us."
"She won't say anything," I insisted quickly. Rose was building up to the explosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.
"You don't know her mind," Carlisle reminded me.
"I know this much. Alice, back me up."
Alice stared up at me wearily. "I can't see what will happen if we just ignore this." She glanced at Rose and Jasper.
No, she couldn't see that future - not when Rosalie and Jasper were so decided against ignoring the incident.
Rosalie's palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. "We can't allow the human a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you must see that. Even if we decided to all disappear, it's not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of our kind - you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We have to be more careful than anyone else!"
"We've left rumors behind us before," I reminded her.
"Just rumors and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses and evidence!"
"Evidence!" I scoffed.
But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard.
"Rose - " Carlisle began.
"Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn't have to be any big production. The girl hit her head today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious that it looked." Rosalie shrugged. "Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others would expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Edward's job, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I'm capable of control. I would leave no evidence behind me."
"Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are," I snarled.
She hissed at me, furious.
"Edward, please," Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. "Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Swan girl is an innocent."
"It's not personal, Carlisle," Rosalie said through her teeth. "It's to protect us all."
There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer. When he nodded, Rosalie's eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn't been able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle never compromised.
"I know you mean well, Rosalie, but...I'd like very much for our family to be worth protecting. The occasional...accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of who we are." It was very like him to include himself in the plural, though he had never had such a lapse himself. "To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thing entirely. I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are."
I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn't do at all to grin. Or to applaud, as I wished I could.
Rosalie scowled. "It's just being responsible."
"It's being callous," Carlisle corrected gently. "Every life is precious." Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted out. Emmett patted her shoulder. "It'll be fine, Rose," he encouraged in a low voice.
"The question," Carlisle continued, "is whether we should move on?"
"No," Rosalie moaned. "We just got settled. I don't want to start on my sophomore year in high school again!"
"You could keep your present age, of course," Carlisle said.
"And have to move again that much sooner?" she countered.
Carlisle shrugged.
"I like it here! There's so little sun, we get to be almost normal."
"Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomes necessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan girl's silence."
Rosalie snorted.
But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along with Carlisle's decision, not matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation had moved on to unimportant details.
Jasper remained unmoved.
I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he'd lived in a combat zone, a relentless theater of war. He knew the consequences of flouting the rules - he'd seen the grisly aftermath with his own eyes.
It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties, nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion - above it.
"Jasper," I said.
He met my gaze, his face expressionless.
"She won't pay for my mistake. I won't allow that."
"She benefits from it, then? She should have died today, Edward. I would only set that right."
I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. "I will not allow it."
His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this - he hadn't imagined that I would act to stop him.
He shook his head once. "I won't let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. You don't feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven't lived through what I've lived through, whether you've seen my memories or not. You don't understand."
"I'm not disputing that, Jasper. But I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to hurt Isabella Swan."
We stared at each other - not glaring, but measuring the opposition. I felt him sample the mood around me, testing my determination.
"Jazz," Alice said, interrupting us.
He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. "Don't bother telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I've still got to - " "That's not what I'm going say," Alice interrupted. "I was going to ask you for a favor."
I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. I stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper was now eyeing me warily.
"I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Bella. First of all, Edward's serious and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly, she's my friend. At least, she's going to be."
It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around the girl's warm, fragile shoulders. And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alice's waist. The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure.
"But...Alice..." Jasper gasped. I couldn't manage to turn my head to see his expression. I couldn't tear myself away from the image in Alice's head in order to hear his.
"I'm going to love her someday, Jazz. I'll be very put out with you if you don't let her be."
I was still locked into Alice's thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Jasper's resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.
"Ah," she sighed - his indecision had cleared a new future. "See? Bella's not going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about."
The way she said the girl's name...like they were already close confidants... "Alice," I choked. "What...does this...?"
"I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Edward." But she locked her jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; she was focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned to have progressed much in his decision making.
She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me. "What, Alice? What are you hiding?"
I heard Emmett grumble. He always got frustrated when Alice and I had these kinds of conversations.
She shook her head, trying to not let me in.
"Is it about the girl?" I demanded. "Is it about Bella?"
She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Bella's name, she slipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough. "NO!" I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on my feet.
"Edward!" Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barely aware of him.
"It's solidifying," Alice whispered. "Every minute you're more decided.
There're really only two ways left for her. It's one or the other, Edward." I could see what she saw...but I could not accept it.
"No," I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and I had to brace myself against the table.
"Will somebody please let the rest of us in on the mystery?" Emmett complained. "I have to leave," I whispered to Alice, ignoring him.
"Edward, we've already been over that," Emmett said loudly. "That's the best way to start the girl talking. Besides, if you take off, we won't know for sure if she's talking or not. You have to stay and deal with this."
"I don't see you going anywhere, Edward," Alice told me. "I don't know if you can leave anymore." Think about it, she added silently. Think about leaving.
I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again was...painful.
But it was also necessary. I couldn't sanction either future I'd apparently condemned her to.
I'm not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward, Alice went on. If you leave, if he thinks she's a danger to us...
"I don't hear that," I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience. Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice.
Not right this moment. Will you risk her life, leave her undefended? "Why are you doing this to me?" I groaned. My head fell into my hands. I was not Bella's protector. I could not be that. Wasn't Alice's divided future enough proof of that?
I love her, too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want her around for that. "Love her, too?" I whispered, incredulous.
She sighed. You are so blind, Edward. Can't you see where you're headed?
Can't you see where you already are? It's more inevitable than the sun rising in the east. See what I see...
I shook my head, horrified. "No." I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to me. "I don't have to follow that course. I'll leave. I will change the future." "You can try," she said, her voice skeptical.
"Oh, come on!" Emmett bellowed.
"Pay attention," Rose hissed at him. "Alice sees him falling for a human! How classically Edward!" She made a gagging sound.
I scarcely heard her.
"What?" Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through the room. "Is that what's been going on?" He laughed again. "Tough break, Edward."
I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn't pay attention to him.
"Fall for a human?" Esme repeated in a stunned voice. "For the girl he saved today? Fall in love with her?"
"What do you see, Alice? Exactly," Jasper demanded.
She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face.
"It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he'll kill her himself" - she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring - "which would really irritate me, Edward, not to mention what it would do to you - " she faced Jasper again, "or she'll be one of us someday."
Someone gasped; I didn't look to see who.
"That's not going to happen!" I was shouting again. "Either one!"
Alice didn't seem to hear me. "It all depends," she repeated. "He may be just strong enough not to kill her - but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount of control," she mused. "More even than Carlisle has. He may be just strong enough...
The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That's a lost cause." I couldn't find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room was still.
I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrified expression from five different viewpoints.
After a long moment, Carlisle sighed.
"Well, this...complicates things."
"I'll say," Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life.
"I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "We'll stay, and watch. Obviously, no one will...hurt the girl."
I stiffened.
"No," Jasper said quietly. "I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways - "
"No!" My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some combination of the three. "No!"
I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts - Rosalie's selfrighteous disgust, Emmett's humor, Carlisle's never ending patience...
Worse: Alice's confidence. Jasper's confidence in that confidence.
Worst of all: Esme's...joy.
I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn't acknowledge the gesture.
I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound, and raced into the forest. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a few moments. I liked the thick sheet of water - it made a wall between me and the rest of the world. It closed me in, let me be alone.
I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straight course, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stopped before I touched the borders of human civilization.
Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done - at the way I had mutilated the future.
First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other - the trust and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Bella's wide chocolate eyes were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets - in this moment, they seemed to be happy secrets. She did not flinch away from Alice's cold arm.
What did it mean? How much did she know? In that still-life moment from the future, what did she think of me?
Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Alice and Bella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship. But now there was no difference between those arms - both were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel. Bella's wide eyes were no longer chocolate. The irises were a shocking, vivid crimson. The secrets in them were unfathomable - acceptance or desolation? It was impossible to tell. Her face was cold and immortal.
I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did it mean - how had this come about? And what did she think of me now?
I could answer that last one. If I forced her into this empty half-life through my weakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me.
But there was one more horrifying image - worse than any image I'd ever held inside my head.
My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Bella's broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear. I couldn't stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind, tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on her living face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail. Alice's bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it caused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the likelihood of his success. It sickened me.
This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I would not let Alice's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was always a choice.
There had to be.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-15 22:46
5. Invitations
High school. Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell. Torment and fire...yes, I had both.
I was doing everything correctly now. Every "i" dotted, every "t" crossed. No one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.
To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks. I returned to my old schedule. I hunted no more than the rest of them. Everyday, I attended high school and played human. Everyday, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens - there never was anything new. The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions. She just repeated the same story again and again - I'd been standing with her and then pulled her out of the way - till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details. There was no danger. My hasty action had hurt no one.
No one but myself.
I was determined to change the future. Not the easiest task to set for oneself, but there was no other choice that I could live with.
Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl. I would prove her wrong.
I'd thought the first day would be the hardest. By the end of it, I'd been sure that was the case. I'd been wrong, though.
It had rankled, knowing that I would hurt the girl. I'd comforted myself with the fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick - just a tiny sting of rejection - compared to mine. Bella was human, and she knew that I was something else, something wrong, something frightening. She would probably be more relieved than wounded when I turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn't exist.
"Hello, Edward," she'd greeted me, that first day back in biology. Her voice had been pleasant, friendly, one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I'd spoken with her.
Why? What did the change mean? Had she forgotten? Decided she had imagined the whole episode? Could she possibly have forgiven me for not following through on my promise?
The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed. Just one moment to look in her eyes. Just to see if I could read the answers there...
No. I could not allow myself even that. Not if I was going to change the future. I'd moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the front of the room. I'd nodded once, and then turned my face straight forward.
She did not speak to me again.
That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle as I had the day before. It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I was flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur.
This run became my daily habit.
Did I love her? I did not think so. Not yet. Alice's glimpses of that future had stuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella. It would be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love her was the opposite of falling - it was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if I had no more than mortal strength.
More than a month passed, and every day it got harder. That made no sense to me - I kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier. This must be what Alice had meant when she'd predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl. She had seen the escalation of the pain. But I could handle pain.
I would not destroy Bella's future. If I was destined to love her, then wasn't avoiding her the very least I could do?
Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear, though. I could pretend to ignore her, and never look her way. I could pretend that she was of no interest to me. But that was the extent, just pretense and not reality.
I still hung on every breath she took, every word she said.
I lumped my torments into four categories.
The first two were familiar. Her scent and her silence. Or, rather - to take the responsibility on myself where it belonged - my thirst and my curiosity.
The thirst was the most primal of my torments. It was my habit now to simply not breathe at all in Biology. Of course, there were always the exceptions - when I had to answer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak. Each time I tasted the air around the girl, it was the same as the first day - fire and need and brutal violence desperate to break free. It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or restraint in those moments. And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, so close to the surface...
The curiosity was the most constant of my torments. The question was never out of my mind: What is she thinking now? When I heard her quietly sigh. When she twisted a lock of hair absently around her finger. When she threw her books down with more force than usual. When she rushed to class late. When she tapped her foot impatiently against the floor. Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a maddening mystery. When she spoke to the other human students, I analyzed her every word and tone. Was she speaking her thoughts, or what she thought she should say? It often sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected, and this reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion - we were better at it than she was. Unless I wrong about that, just imagining things. Why would she have to play a role? She was one of them - a human teenager.
Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments. Who would have ever dreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating? To be fair, I should have felt some gratitude to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the girl talking. I learned so much about her through these conversations - I was still compiling my list - but, contrarily, Mike's assistance with this project only aggravated me more. I didn't want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets. I wanted to do that.
It helped that he never noticed her small revelations, her little slips. He knew nothing about her. He'd created a Bella in his head that didn't exist - a girl just as generic as he was. He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans, he didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts. He didn't perceive that when she spoke of her mother, she sounded like a parent speaking of a child rather than the other way around - loving, indulgent, slightly amused, and fiercely protective. He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his rambling stories, and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.
Through her conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most important quality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare. Bella was good. All the other things added up to that whole - kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave - she was good through and through.
These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however. The possessive way he viewed Bella - as if she were an acquisition to be made - provoked me almost as much as his crude fantasies about her. He was becoming more confident of her, too, as the time passed, for she seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivals - Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically, myself. He would routinely sit on her side of our table before class began, chattering at her, encouraged by her smiles. Just polite smiles, I told myself. All the same, I frequently amused myself by imagining backhanding him across the room and into the far wall... It probably wouldn't injure him fatally...
Mike didn't often think of me as a rival. After the accident, he'd worried that Bella and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite had resulted. Back then, he had still been bothered that I'd singled Bella out over her peers for attention. But now I ignored her just as thoroughly as the others, and he grew complacent.
What was she thinking now? Did she welcome his attention?
And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bella's indifference. As I ignored her, she ignored me. She never tried to speak to me again. For all I knew, she never thought about me at all.
This might have driven me mad - or even broken my resolution to change the future - except that she sometimes stared at me like she had before. I didn't see it for myself, as I could not allow myself to look at her, but Alice always warned us when she was about to stare; the others were still wary of the girl's problematic knowledge. It eased some of the pain that she gazed at me from across a distance, every now and then. Of course, she could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was.
"Bella's going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal," Alice said one Tuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight like humans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind.
I paid attention to how often she looked my direction. It pleased me, though it should not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed. I didn't know what it meant, but it made me feel better.
Alice sighed. I wish...
"Stay out of it, Alice," I said under my breath. "It's not going to happen." She pouted. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella. In a strange way, she missed the girl she didn't know.
I'll admit, you're better than I thought. You've got the future all snarled up and senseless again. I hope you're happy.
"It makes plenty of sense to me."
She snorted delicately.
I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation. I wasn't in a very good mood - tenser than I let any of them see. Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound I was, feeling the stress emanate out of me with his unique ability to both sense and influence the moods of others. He didn't understand the reasons behind the moods, though, and - since I was constantly in a foul mood these days - he disregarded it. Today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before, as was the pattern.
Mike Newton, the odious boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was going to ask Bella on a date.
A girl's choice dance was on the near horizon, and he'd been hoping very much that Bella would ask him. That she had not done so had rattled his confidence. Now he was in an uncomfortable bind - I enjoyed his discomfort more than I should - because Jessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance. He didn't want to say "yes," still hopeful that Bella would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didn't want to say "no" and end up missing the dance altogether. Jessica, hurt by his hesitation and guessing the reason behind it, was thinking daggers at Bella. Again, I had the instinct to place myself between Jessica's angry thoughts and Bella. I understood the instinct better now, but that only made it more frustrating when I could not act on it.
To think it had come to this! I was utterly fixated on the petty high school dramas that I'd once held so in contempt.
Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Bella to biology. I listened to his struggles as I waited for them to arrive. The boy was weak. He had waited for this dance purposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before she had shown a marked preference for him. He didn't want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferring that she make that leap first.
Coward.
He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imagined the sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break most of his bones.
"So," he said to the girl, his eyes on the floor. "Jessica asked me to the spring dance."
"That's great," Bella answered immediately and with enthusiasm. It was hard not to smile as her tone sunk in to Mike's awareness. He'd been hoping for dismay. "You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica."
He scrambled for the right response. "Well..." he hesitated, and almost chickened out. Then he rallied. "I told her I had to think about it."
"Why would you do that?" she demanded. Her tone was one of disapproval, but there was the faintest hint of relief there as well.
What did that mean? An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench into fists.
Mike did not hear the relief. His face was red with blood - fierce as I suddenly felt, this seemed like an invitation - and he looked at the floor again as he spoke. "I was wondering if...well, if you might be planning to ask me."
Bella hesitated.
In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice ever had.
The girl might say yes to Mike's unspoken question now, and she might not, but either way, someday soon, she would say yes to someone. She was lovely and intriguing, and human males were not oblivious to this fact. Whether she would settle for someone in this lackluster crowd, or wait until she was free from Forks, the day would come that she would say yes.
I saw her life as I had before - college, career...love, marriage. I saw her on her father's arm again, dressed in gauzy white, her face flushed with happiness as she moved to the sound of Wagner's march.
The pain was more than anything I'd felt before. A human would have to be on the point of death to feel this pain - a human would not live through it.
And not just pain, but outright rage.
The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet. Though this insignificant, undeserving boy might not be the one that Bella would say yes to, I yearned to crush his skull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be.
I didn't understand this emotion - it was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair. I had never felt it before; I couldn't put a name to it.
"Mike, I think you should tell her yes," Bella said in a gentle voice.
Mike's hopes plummeted. I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances, but I was lost in the aftershock of the pain - and the remorse for what the pain and rage had done to me.
Alice was right. I was not strong enough.
Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangled again. Would this please her?
"Did you already ask someone?" Mike asked sullenly. He glanced at me, suspicious for the first time in many weeks. I realized I had betrayed my interest; my head was inclined in Bella's direction.
The wild envy in his thoughts - envy for whoever this girl preferred to him - suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion.
I was jealous.
"No," the girl said with a trace of humor in her voice. "I'm not going to the dance at all."
Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at her words. Suddenly, I was considering my rivals.
"Why not?" Mike asked, his tone almost rude. It offended me that he used this tone with her. I bit back a growl.
"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," she answered.
The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before - now that I was fully intending to find out the answers to everything. I would know the wheres and whys of this new revelation soon enough.
Mike's tone turned unpleasantly wheedling. "Can't you go some other weekend?"
"Sorry, no." Bella was brusquer now. "So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer - it's rude."
Her concern for Jessica's feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy. This Seattle trip was clearly an excuse to say no - did she refuse purely out of loyalty to her friend? She was more than selfless enough for that. Did she actually wish she could say yes? Or were both guesses wrong? Was she interested in someone else?
"Yeah, you're right," Mike mumbled, so demoralized that I almost felt pity for him. Almost.
He dropped his eyes from the girl, cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts. I wasn't going to tolerate that.
I turned to read her face myself, for the first time in more than a month. It was a sharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp of air to long-submerged human lungs. Her eyes were closed, and her hands pressed against the sides of her face. Her shoulders curved inward defensively. She shook her head ever so slightly, as if she were trying to push some thought from her mind.
Frustrating. Fascinating.
Mr. Banner's voice pulled her from her reverie, and her eyes slowly opened. She looked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze. She stared up into my eyes with the same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.
I didn't feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second. I knew they would come again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery high. As if I had triumphed, rather than lost.
She didn't look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly to read her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes. They were full of questions, rather than answers.
I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black with thirst. It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest day for my will to crumble. But the blackness did not seem to frighten her. She still did not look away, and a soft, devastatingly appealing pink began to color her skin.
What was she thinking now?
I almost asked the question aloud, but at that moment Mr. Banner called my name. I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction. I sucked in a quick breath. "The Krebs Cycle."
Thirst scorched down my throat - tightening my muscles and filling my mouth with venom - and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for her blood that raged inside me.
The monster was stronger than before. The monster was rejoicing. He embraced this dual future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved so viciously. The third, shaky future I'd tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled - destroyed by common jealously, of all things - and he was so much closer to his goal. The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I'd had the ability to produce tears, they would have filled my eyes now.
What had I done?
Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what I wanted; I turned to stare at the girl again.
She had hidden in her hair, but I could see through a parting in the tresses that her cheek was deep crimson now.
The monster liked that.
She did not meet my gaze again, but she twisted a strand of her dark hair nervously between her fingers. Her delicate fingers, her fragile wrist - they were so breakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them.
No, no, no. I could not do this. She was too breakable, too good, too precious to deserve this fate. I couldn't allow my life to collide with hers, to destroy it.
But I couldn't stay away from her either. Alice was right about that.
The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered, leaning first one way, then the other.
My brief hour with her passed all too quickly, as I vacillated between the rock and the hard place. The bell rang, and she started collecting her things without looking at me. This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise. The way I had treated her since the accident was inexcusable.
"Bella?" I said, unable to stop myself. My willpower already lay in shreds. She hesitated before looking at me; when she turned, her expression was guarded, distrustful.
I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me. That she should. She waited for me to continue, but I just stared at her, reading her face. I pulled in shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals, fighting my thirst.
"What?" she finally said. "Are you speaking to me again?" There was an edge of resentment to her tone that was, like her anger, endearing. It made me want to smile. I wasn't sure how to answer her question. Was I speaking to her again, in the sense that she meant?
No. Not if I could help it. I would try to help it.
"No, not really," I told her.
She closed her eyes, which frustrated me. It cut off my best avenue of access to her feelings. She took a long, slow breath without opening her eyes. Her jaw was locked.
Eyes still closed, she spoke. Surely this was not a normal human way to converse. Why did she do it?
"Then what do you want, Edward?"
The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body. If I'd had a heartbeat, it would have quickened.
But how to answer her?
With the truth, I decided. I would be as truthful as I could with her from now on. I didn't want to deserve her distrust, even if earning her trust was impossible.
"I'm sorry," I told her. That was truer than she would ever know. Unfortunately, I could only safely apologize for the trivial. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."
I would be better for her if I could keep it up, continue to be rude. Could I? Her eyes opened, their expression still wary.
"I don't know what you mean."
I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed. "It's better if we're not friends." Surely, she could sense that much. She was a bright girl. "Trust me."
Her eyes tightened, and I remembered that I had said those words to her before - just before breaking a promise. I winced when her teeth clenched together - she clearly remembered, too.
"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," she said angrily. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."
I stared at her in shock. What did she know of my regrets?
"Regret? Regret for what?" I demanded.
"For not just letting that stupid van squish me!" she snapped.
I froze, stunned.
How could she be thinking that? Saving her life was the one acceptable thing I'd done since I met her. The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thing that made me glad I existed at all. I'd been fighting to keep her alive since the first moment I'd caught her scent. How could she think this of me? How dare she question my one good deed in all this mess?
"You think I regret saving your life?"
"I know you do," she retorted.
Her estimation of my intentions left me seething. "You don't know anything."
How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were! She must not think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behind her mental silence. She was entirely other.
She jerked her face away, gritting her teeth again. Her cheeks were flushed, with anger this time. She slammed her books together in a pile, yanked them up into her arms, and marched toward the door without meeting my stare.
Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find her anger a bit entertaining. She walked stiffly, without looking where she was going, and her foot caught on the lip of the doorway. She stumbled, and her things all crashed to the ground. Instead of bending to get them, she stood rigidly straight, not even looking down, as if she were not sure the books were worth retrieving.
I managed not to laugh.
No one was here to watch me; I flitted to her side, and had her books put in order before she looked down.
She bent halfway, saw me, and then froze. I handed her books back to her, making sure that my icy skin never touched hers.
"Thank you," she said in a cold, severe voice.
Her tone brought back my irritation.
"You're welcome," I said just as coldly.
She wrenched herself upright and stomped away to her next class.
I watched until I could no longer see her angry figure.
Spanish passed in a blur. Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstraction - she knew my Spanish was superior to hers, and she gave me a great deal of latitude - leaving me free to think.
So, I couldn't ignore the girl. That much was obvious. But did it mean I had no choice but to destroy her? That could not be the only available future. There had to be some other choice, some delicate balance. I tried to think of a way...
I didn't pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up. He was curious - Emmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in other's moods, but he could see the obvious change in me. He wondered what had happened to remove the unrelenting glower from my face. He struggled to define the change, and finally decided that I looked hopeful.
Hopeful? Is that what it looked like from the outside?
I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly I should be hoping for.
But I didn't have long to ponder. Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about the girl, the sound of Bella's name in the heads of...of my rivals, I suppose I had to admit, caught my attention. Eric and Tyler, having heard - with much satisfaction - of Mike's failure, were preparing to make their moves.
Eric was already in place, positioned against her truck where she could not avoid him. Tyler's class was being held late to receive an assignment, and he was in a desperate hurry to catch her before she escaped.
This I had to see.
"Wait for the others here, all right?" I murmured to Emmett.
He eyed me suspiciously, but then shrugged and nodded.
Kid's lost his mind, he thought, amused by my odd request.
I saw Bella on her way out of the gym, and I waited where she would not see me for her to pass. As she got closer to Eric's ambush, I strode forward, setting my pace so that I would walk by at the right moment.
I watched her body stiffen when she caught sight of the boy waiting for her. She froze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward.
"Hi, Eric," I heard her call in a friendly voice.
I was abruptly and unexpectedly anxious. What if this gangly teen with his unhealthy skin was somehow pleasing to her?
Eric swallowed loudly, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Hi, Bella."
She seemed unconscious of his nervousness.
"What's up?" she asked, unlocking her truck without looking at his frightened expression.
"Uh, I was just wondering...if you would go to the spring dance with me?" His voice broke.
She finally looked up. Was she taken aback, or pleased? Eric couldn't meet her gaze, so I couldn't see her face in his mind.
"I thought it was girl's choice," she said, sounding flustered.
"Well, yeah," he agreed wretchedly.
This pitiable boy did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel sympathy for his angst until after Bella had answered him in a gentle voice.
"Thank you for asking me, but I'm going to be in Seattle that day."
He'd already heard this; still, it was a disappointment.
"Oh," he mumbled, barely daring to raise his eyes to the level of her nose.
"Maybe next time."
"Sure," she agreed. Then she bit down on her lip, as if she regretted leaving him a loophole. I liked that.
Eric slumped forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from his car, his only thought escape.
I passed her in that moment, and heard her sigh of relief. I laughed.
She whirled at the sound, but I stared straight ahead, trying to keep my lips from twitching in amusement.
Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch her before she could drive away. He was bolder and more confident than the other two; he'd only waited to approach Bella this long because he'd respected Mike's prior claim.
I wanted him to succeed in catching her for two reasons. If - as I was beginning to suspect - all this attention was annoying to Bella, I wanted to enjoy watching her reaction. But, if it was not - if Tyler's invitation was the one she'd been hoping for - then I wanted to know that, too.
I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemed tediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bella's preferences? Maybe she liked average boys...
I winced at that thought. I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was to set myself up as a rival for her affections. How could she ever care for someone who was, by any estimation, a monster?
She was too good for a monster.
I ought to have let her escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doing what was right. Again. But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact her later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome? I pulled my Volvo out into the narrow lane, blocking her exit.
Emmett and the others were on their way, but he'd described my strange behavior to them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I was doing.
I watched the girl in my rearview mirror. She glowered toward the back of my car without meeting my gaze, looking as if she wished she were driving a tank rather than a rusted Chevy.
Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind her, grateful for my inexplicable behavior. He waved at her, trying to catch her attention, but she didn't notice. He waited a moment, and then left his car, sauntering up to her passenger side window. He tapped on the glass.
She jumped, and then stared at him in confusion. After a second, she rolled the window down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it.
"I'm sorry, Tyler," she said, her voice irritated. "I'm stuck behind Cullen." She said my surname in a hard voice - she was still angry with me.
"Oh, I know," Tyler said, undeterred by her mood. "I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here."
His grin was cocky.
I was gratified by the way she blanched at his obvious intent.
"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" he asked, no thought of defeat in his head. "I'm not going to be in town, Tyler," she told him, irritation still plain in her voice.
"Yeah, Mike said that."
"Then why - ?" she stared to ask.
He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy."
Her eyes flashed, then cooled. "Sorry, Tyler," she said, not sounding sorry at all. "I really am going to be out of town."
He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched. "That's cool. We still have prom."
He strutted back to his car.
I was right to have waited for this.
The horrified expression on her face was priceless. It told me what I should not so desperately need to know - that she had no feelings for any of these human males who wished to court her.
Also, her expression was possibly the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rocking with laughter rather than scowling murderously at everything in sight.
What's so funny? Emmett wanted to know.
I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Bella revved her noisy engine angrily. She looked like she was wishing for a tank again. "Let's go!" Rosalie hissed impatiently. "Stop being an idiot. If you can." Her words didn't annoy me - I was too entertained. But I did as she asked. No one spoke to me on the way home. I continued to chuckle every now and again, thinking of Bella's face.
As I turned on to the drive - speeding up now that there were no witnesses - Alice ruined my mood.
"So do I get to talk to Bella now?" she asked suddenly, without considering the words first, thus giving me no warning.
"No," I snapped.
"Not fair! What am I waiting for?"
"I haven't decided anything, Alice."
"Whatever, Edward."
In her head, Bella's two destinies were clear again.
"What's the point in getting to know her?" I mumbled, suddenly morose. "If I'm just going to kill her?"
Alice hesitated for a second. "You have a point," she admitted.
I took the final hairpin turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched to a stop an inch from the back garage wall.
"Enjoy your run," Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car.
But I didn't go running today. Instead, I went hunting.
The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldn't afford to be thirsty now. I overdid it, drinking more than necessary, glutting myself again - a small grouping of elk and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year. I was so full it was uncomfortable. Why couldn't that be enough? Why did her scent have to be so much stronger than anything else?
I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but, when I could hunt no more and the sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soon enough.
The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to go find the girl.
I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won the argument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan. The monster was restless but well-fettered. I knew I would keep a safe distance from her. I only wanted to know where she was. I just wanted to see her face.
It was past midnight, and Bella's house was dark and quiet. Her truck was parked against the curb, her father's police cruiser in the driveway. There were no conscious thoughts anywhere in the neighborhood. I watched the house for a moment from the blackness of the forest that bordered it on the east. The front door would probably be locked - not a problem, except that I didn't want to leave a broken door as evidence behind me. I decided to try the upstairs window first. Not many people would bother installing a lock there.
I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second.
Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, and my breath stopped.
It was her room. I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor and her sheets twisted around her legs. As I watched, she twitched restlessly and threw one arm over her head. She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night. Did she sense the danger near her?
I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again. How was I any better than some sick peeping tom? I wasn't any better. I was much, much worse.
I relaxed my fingertips, about to let myself drop. But first I allowed myself one long look at her face.
It was not peaceful. The little furrow was there between her eyebrows, the corners of her lips turned down. Her lips trembled, and then parted.
"Okay, Mom," she muttered.
Bella talked in her sleep.
Curiosity flared, overpowering self-disgust. The lure of those unprotected, unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting.
I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. I slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to find some oil for next time...
Next time? I shook my head, disgusted again.
I eased myself silently through the half-opened window.
Her room was small - disorganized but not unclean. There were books piled on the floor beside her bed, their spines facing away from me, and CDs scattered by her inexpensive CD player - the one on top was just a clear jewel case. Stacks of papers surrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to obsolete technologies. Shoes dotted the wooden floor.
I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but I'd promised myself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit the old rocking chair in the far corner of the room.
Had I really once thought her average-looking? I thought of that first day, and my disgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her. But when I remembered her face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found her beautiful immediately. It seemed an obvious thing.
Right now - with her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face, wearing a threadbare t-shirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants, her features relaxed in unconsciousness, her full lips slightly parted - she took my breath away. Or would have, I thought wryly, if I were breathing.
She did not speak. Perhaps her dream had ended.
I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable.
Hurting her was not bearable. Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave again?
The others could not argue with me now. My absence would not put anyone in danger. There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyone's thoughts back to the accident.
I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible.
I could not hope to rival the human boys, whether these specific boys appealed to her or not. I was a monster. How could she see me as anything else? If she knew the truth about me, it would frighten and repulse her. Like the intended victim in a horror movie, she would run away, shrieking in terror.
I remembered her first day in biology...and knew that this was exactly the right reaction for her to have.
It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the silly dance, she would have cancelled her hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me. I was not the one she was destined to say yes to. It was someone else, someone human and warm. And I could not even let myself - someday, when that yes was said - hunt him down and kill him, because she deserved him, whoever he was. She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose.
I owed it to her to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I was only in danger of loving this girl.
After all, it really didn't matter if I left, because Bella could never see me the way I wished she would. Never see me as someone worthy of love.
Never.
Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.
"Edward," Bella said.
I froze, staring at her unopened eyes.
Had she woken, caught me here? She looked asleep, yet her voice had been so clear...
She sighed a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side - still fast asleep and dreaming.
"Edward," she mumbled softly.
She was dreaming of me.
Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
"Stay," she sighed. "Don't go. Please...don't go."
She was dreaming of me, and it wasn't even a nightmare. She wanted me to stay with her, there in her dream.
I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them.
When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.
My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?
At the time that I had become a vampire, trading my soul and my mortality for immortality in the searing pain of transformation, I had truly been frozen. My body had turned into something more like rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging. My self, also, had frozen as it was - my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and my desires; all were fixed in place.
It was the same for the rest of them. We were all frozen. Living stone.
When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing. I had seen it happen with Carlisle, and then a decade later with Rosalie. Love had changed them in an eternal way, a way that never faded. More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle had found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love. It would always be that way for them.
It would always be that way for me, too. I would always love this fragile human girl, for the rest of my limitless existence.
I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portion of my stone body.
She slept more peacefully now, a slight smile on her lips.
Always watching her, I began to plot.
I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her. I knew I wasn't that strong now. I would work on that one. But perhaps I was strong enough to circumvent the future in another way.
Alice had seen only two futures for Bella, and now I understood them both.
Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes.
Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me.
Perhaps love had silenced him forever. If I killed her now, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident.
I would have to be inordinately careful. I would never, ever be able to let my guard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would have to keep an always cautious distance.
I would not make mistakes.
I finally understood that second future. I'd been baffled by that vision - what could possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life? Now - devastated by longing for the girl - I could understand how I might, in unforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favor. Ask him to take away her life and her soul so that I could keep her forever.
She deserved better.
But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk, if I could keep my balance.
Could I do it? Be with her and leave her human?
Deliberately, I took a deep breath, and then another, letting her scent rip through me like wildfire. The room was thick with her perfume; her fragrance was layered on every surface. My head swam, but I fought the spinning. I would have to get used to this, if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her. I took another deep, burning breath.
I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting and breathing.
I got home just after the others had left for school. I changed quickly, avoiding Esme's questioning eyes. She saw the feverish light in my face, and she felt both worry and relief. My long melancholy had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over.
I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings did. They did not turn, though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered the pavement. I waited until no one was looking, and then I strolled casually from between the trees into the lot full of parked cars.
I heard Bella's truck rumbling around the corner, and I paused behind a Suburban, where I could watch without being seen.
She drove into the lot, glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parked in one of the most distant spaces, a frown on her face.
It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me, and with good reason.
I wanted to laugh at myself - or kick myself. All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn't care for me, too, wasn't it? Her dream could have been about something completely random. I was such an arrogant fool.
Well, it was so much the better for her if she didn't care for me. That wouldn't stop me from pursuing her, but I would give her fair warning as I pursued. I owed her that.
I walked silently forward, wondering how best to approach her.
She made it easy. Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out, and fell into a deep puddle.
She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put her fingers in the cold water.
I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up.
"How do you do that?" she demanded.
Yes, she was still angry.
I offered her the key. "Do what?"
She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm. I took a deep breath, pulling in her scent.
"Appear out of thin air," she clarified.
"Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant." The words were wry, almost a joke. Was there anything she didn't see?
Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?
She glared at me, not appreciating my humor. Her heartbeat sped - from anger? From fear? After a moment, she looked down.
"Why the traffic jam last night?" she asked without meeting my eyes. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death."
Still very angry. It was going to take some effort to make things right with her. I remembered my resolve to be truthful with her...
"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." And then I laughed. I couldn't help it, thinking of her expression yesterday.
"You - " she gasped, and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish.
There it was - that same expression. I choked back another laugh. She was mad enough already.
"And I'm not pretending you don't exist," I finished. It was right to keep this casual, teasing. She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt. I would frighten her. I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light...
"So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?"
A quick flash of anger pulsed through me. Could she honestly believe that?
It was irrational for me to be so affronted - she didn't know of the transformation that had happened in the night. But I was angry all the same.
"Bella, you are utterly absurd," I snapped.
Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me. She began to walk away.
Remorse. I had no right to my anger.
"Wait," I pleaded.
She did not stop, so I followed after her.
"I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true" - it was absurd to imagine that I wanted her harmed in any way - "but it was rude to say it, anyway."
"Why won't you leave me alone?"
Believe me, I wanted to say. I've tried.
Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.
Keep it light.
"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me." A course of action had just occurred to me, and I laughed.
"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" she asked.
It must seem that way. My mood was erratic, so many new emotions coursing through me.
"You're doing it again," I pointed out.
She sighed. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?"
"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday..." I watched the shock cross her face, and choked back another laugh. "You know, the day of the spring dance - "
She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine. "Are you trying to be funny?" Yes. "Will you let me finish?"
She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip.
That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten human core. I tried to shake them off so I could play my role.
"I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride?" I offered. I'd realized that, better than just questioning her about her plans, I might share them.
She stared at me blankly. "What?"
"Do you want a ride to Seattle?" Alone in a car with her - my throat burned at the thought. I took a deep breath. Get used to it.
"With who?" she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again.
"Myself, obviously," I said slowly.
"Why?"
Was it really such as shock that I would want her company? She must have applied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior.
"Well," I said as casually as possible, "I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and, to be honest, I'm not sure if your truck can make it." It seemed safer to tease her than to allow myself to be serious.
"My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern," she said in the same surprised voice. She started walking again. I kept pace with her.
She hadn't really said no, so I pressed that advantage.
Would she say no? What would I do if she did?
"But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?"
"I don't see how that is any of your business," she grumbled.
That still wasn't a no. And her heart was beating faster again, her breath coming more quickly.
"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business."
"Honestly, Edward, I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."
A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name.
How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time? Well, it was more important to be honest. Especially on this point.
"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be." "Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up," she said sarcastically.
She paused, under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, and met my gaze again. Her heartbeats stuttered. Was she afraid?
I chose my words carefully. No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would be smart enough to leave me, before it was too late.
"It would be more...prudent for you not to be my friend." Staring into the melted chocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on light. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." The words burned with much too much fervor.
Her breathing stopped and, in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me.
How much had I scared her? Well, I would find out.
"Will you go to Seattle with me?" I demanded, point blank.
She nodded, her heart drumming loudly.
Yes. She'd said yes to me.
And then my conscious smote me. What would this cost her?
"You really should stay away from me," I warned her. Did she hear me? Would she escape the future I was threatening her with? Couldn't I do anything to save her from me?
Keep it light, I shouted at myself. "I'll see you in class."
I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 21:56
6. Blood Type
I followed her all day through other people's eyes, barely aware of my own surroundings.
Not Mike Newton's eyes, because I couldn't stand any more of his offensive fantasies, and not Jessica Stanley's, because her resentment toward Bella made me angry in a way that was not safe for the petty girl. Angela Weber was a good choice when her eyes were available; she was kind - her head was an easy place to be. And then sometimes it was the teachers who provided the best view.
I was surprised, watching her stumble through the day - tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, stray books, and, most often, her own feet - that the people I eavesdropped on thought of Bella as clumsy.
I considered that. It was true that she often had trouble staying upright. I remembered her stumbling into the desk that first day, sliding around on the ice before the accident, falling over the low lip of the doorframe yesterday... How odd, they were right. She was clumsy.
I didn't know why this was so funny to me, but I laughed out loud as I walked from American History to English and several people shot me wary looks. How had I never noticed this before? Perhaps because there was something very graceful about her in stillness, the way she held her head, the arch of her neck...
There was nothing graceful about her now. Mr. Varner watched as she caught the toe of her boot on the carpet and literally fell into her chair.
I laughed again.
The time moved with incredible sluggishness while I waited for my chance to see her with my own eyes. Finally, the bell rang. I strode quickly to the cafeteria to secure my spot. I was one of the first there. I chose a table that was usually empty, and was sure to remain that way with me seated here.
When my family entered and saw me sitting alone in a new place, they were not surprised. Alice must have warned them.
Rosalie stalked past me without a glance.
Idiot.
Rosalie and I had never had an easy relationship - I'd offended her the very first time she'd heard me speak, and it was downhill from there - but it seemed like she was even more ill-tempered than usual the last few days. I sighed. Rosalie made everything about herself.
Jasper gave me half a smile as he walked by.
Good luck, he thought doubtfully.
Emmett rolled his eyes and shook his head.
Lost his mind, poor kid.
Alice was beaming, her teeth shining too brightly.
Can I talk to Bella now??
"Keep out of it," I said under my breath.
Her face fell, and then brightened again.
Fine. Be stubborn. It's only a matter of time.
I sighed again.
Don't forget about today's biology lab, she reminded me.
I nodded. No, I hadn't forgotten that.
While I waited for Bella to arrive, I followed her in the eyes of the freshman who was walking behind Jessica on his way to the cafeteria. Jessica was babbling about the upcoming dance, but Bella said nothing in response. Not that Jessica gave her much of a chance.
The moment Bella walked through the door, her eyes flashed to the table where my siblings sat. She stared for a moment, and then her forehead crumpled and her eyes dropped to the floor. She hadn't noticed me here.
She looked so...sad. I felt a powerful urge to get up and go to her side, to comfort her somehow, only I didn't know what she would find comforting. I had no idea what made her look that way. Jessica continued to jabber about the dance. Was Bella sad that she was going to miss it? That didn't seem likely...
But that could be remedied, if she wished.
She bought a drink for her lunch and nothing else. Was that right? Didn't she need more nutrition than that? I'd never paid much attention to a human's diet before. Humans were quite exasperatingly fragile! There were a million different things to worry about...
"Edward Cullen is staring at you again," I heard Jessica say. "I wonder why he's sitting alone today?"
I was grateful to Jessica - though she was even more resentful now - because Bella's head snapped up and her eyes searched until they met mine.
There was no trace of sadness in her face now. I let myself hope that she'd been sad because she'd thought I'd left school early, and that hope made me smile. I motioned with my finger for her to join me. She looked so startled by this that I wanted to tease her again.
So I winked, and her mouth fell open.
"Does he mean you?" Jessica asked rudely.
"Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework," she said in a low, uncertain voice. "Um, I'd better go see what he wants."
This was another yes.
She stumbled twice on her way to my table, though there was nothing in her way but perfectly even linoleum. Seriously, how had I missed this before? I'd been paying more attention to her silent thoughts, I supposed... What else had I missed? Keep it honest, keep it light, I chanted to myself.
She stopped behind the chair across from me, hesitating. I inhaled deeply, through my nose this time rather than my mouth.
Feel the burn, I thought dryly.
"Why don't you sit with me today?" I asked her.
She pulled the chair out and sat, staring at me the whole while. She seemed nervous, but her physical acceptance was yet another yes.
I waited for her to speak.
It took a moment, but, finally, she said, "This is different."
"Well..." I hesitated. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."
What had made me say that? I supposed it was honest, at least. And perhaps she'd hear the unsubtle warning my words implied. Maybe she would realize that she should get up and walk away as quickly as possible...
She didn't get up. She stared at me, waiting, as if I'd left my sentence unfinished. "You know I don't have any idea what you mean," she said when I didn't continue.
That was a relief. I smiled.
"I know."
It was hard to ignore the thoughts screaming at me from behind her back - and I wanted to change the subject anyway.
"I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you."
This did not appear to concern her. "They'll survive."
"I may not give you back, though." I didn't even know if I was trying to be honest now, or just trying to tease her again. Being near her made it hard to make sense of my own thoughts.
Bella swallowed loudly.
I laughed at her expression. "You look worried." It really shouldn't be funny... She should worry.
"No." She was a bad liar; it didn't help that her voice broke. "Surprised, actually.... What brought this on?"
"I told you," I reminded her. "I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." I held my smile in place with a bit of effort. This wasn't working at all - trying to be honest and casual at the same time.
"Giving up?" she repeated, baffled.
"Yes - giving up trying to be good." And, apparently, giving up trying to be casual. "I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." That was honest enough. Let her see my selfishness. Let that warn her, too.
"You lost me again."
I was selfish enough to be glad that this was the case. "I always say too much when I'm talking to you - that's one of the problems."
A rather insignificant problem, compared to the rest.
"Don't worry," she reassured me. "I don't understand any of it."
Good. Then she'd stay. "I'm counting on that."
"So, in plain English, are we friends now?"
I pondered that for a second. "Friends..." I repeated. I didn't like the sound of that. It wasn't enough.
"Or not," she mumbled, looking embarrassed.
Did she think I didn't like her that much?
I smiled. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."
I waited for her response, torn in two - wishing she would finally hear and understand, thinking I might die if she did. How melodramatic. I was turning into such a human.
Her heart beat faster. "You say that a lot."
"Yes, because you're not listening to me," I said, too intense again. "I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."
Ah, but would I allow her to do that, if she tried?
Her eyes tightened. "I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too."
I wasn't exactly sure what she meant, but I smiled in apology, guessing that I must have offended her accidentally.
"So," she said slowly. "As long as I'm being...not smart, we'll try to be friends?" "That sounds about right."
She looked down, staring intently at the lemonade bottle in her hands. The old curiosity tormented me.
"What are you thinking?" I asked - it was a relief to say the words out loud at last.
She met my gaze, and her breathing sped while her cheeks flushed faint pink. I inhaled, tasting that in the air.
"I'm trying to figure out what you are."
I held the smile on my face, locking my features that way, while panic twisted through my body.
Of course she was wondering that. She wasn't stupid. I couldn't hope for her to be oblivious to something so obvious.
"Are you having any luck with that?" I asked as lightly as I could manage. "Not too much," she admitted.
I chuckled in sudden relief. "What are your theories?"
They couldn't be worse than the truth, no matter what she'd come up with. Her cheeks turned brighter red, and she said nothing. I could feel the warmth of her blush in the air.
I tried using my persuasive tone on her. It worked well on normal humans. "Won't you tell me?" I smiled encouragingly.
She shook her head. "Too embarrassing."
Ugh. Not knowing was worse than anything else. Why would her speculations embarrass her? I couldn't stand not knowing.
"That's really frustrating, you know."
My complaint sparked something in her. Her eyes flashed and her words flowed more swiftly than usual.
"No, I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all - just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean...now, why would that be frustrating?"
I frowned at her, upset to realize that she was right. I wasn't being fair. She went on. "Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things - from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating."
It was the longest speech I'd ever heard her make, and it gave me a new quality for my list.
"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"
"I don't like double standards."
She was completely justified in her irritation, of course.
I stared at Bella, wondering how I could possibly do anything right by her, until the silent shouting in Mike Newton's head distracted me.
He was so irate that it made me chuckle.
"What?" she demanded.
"Your boyfriend seems to think I'm being unpleasant to you - he's debating whether or not to come break up our fight." I would love to see him try. I laughed again. "I don't know who you're talking about," she said in an icy voice. "But I'm sure you're wrong anyway."
I very much enjoyed the way she disowned him with her dismissive sentence.
"I'm not. I told you, most people are easy to read."
"Except me, of course."
"Yes. Except for you." Did she have to be the exception to everything?
Wouldn't it have been more fair - considering everything else I had to deal with now - if I could have at least heard something from her head? Was that so much to ask? "I wonder why that is?"
I stared into her eyes, trying again...
She looked away. She opened her lemonade and took a quick drink, her eyes on the table.
"Aren't you hungry?" I asked.
"No." She eyed the empty table between us. "You?"
"No, I'm not hungry," I said. I was definitely not that.
She stared at the table her lips pursed. I waited.
"Could you do me a favor?" she asked, suddenly meeting my gaze again.
What would she want from me? Would she ask for the truth that I wasn't allowed to tell her - the truth I didn't want her to ever, ever know?
"That depends on what you want."
"It's not much," she promised.
I waited, curious again.
"I just wondered..." she said slowly, staring at the lemonade bottle, tracing its lip with her littlest finger. "If you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good? Just so I'm prepared."
She wanted a warning? Then being ignored by me must be a bad thing... I smiled.
"That sounds fair," I agreed.
"Thanks," she said, looking up. Her face was so relieved that I wanted to laugh with my own relief.
"Then can I have one in return?" I asked hopefully.
"One," she allowed.
"Tell me one theory."
She flushed. "Not that one."
"You didn't qualify, you just promised one answer," I argued.
"And you've broken promises yourself," she argued back.
She had me there.
"Just one theory - I won't laugh."
"Yes, you will." She seemed very sure of that, though I couldn't imagine anything that would be funny about it.
I gave persuasion another try. I stared deep into her eyes - an easy thing to do, with eyes so deep - and whispered, "Please?"
She blinked, and her face went blank.
Well, that wasn't exactly the reaction I'd been going for.
"Er, what?" she asked. She looked dizzy. What was wrong with her?
But I wasn't giving up yet.
"Please tell me just one little theory," I pleaded in my soft, non-scary voice, holding her eyes in mine.
To my surprise and satisfaction, it finally worked.
"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?"
Comic books? No wonder she thought I would laugh.
"That's not very creative," I chided her, trying to hide my fresh relief.
"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," she said, offended.
This relieved me even more. I was able to tease her again.
"You're not even close."
"No spiders?"
"Nope."
"And no radioactivity?"
"None."
"Dang," she sighed.
"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either," I said quickly - before she could ask about bites - and then I had to laugh, because she thought I was a superhero.
"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"
I pressed my lips together.
"I'll figure it out eventually," she promised.
And when she did, she would run.
"I wish you wouldn't try," I said, all teasing gone.
"Because...?"
I owed her honesty. Still, I tried to smile, to make my words sound less threatening. "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"
Her eyes widened by a fraction and her lips fell slightly apart. "Oh," she said. And then, after another second, "I see."
She'd finally heard me.
"Do you?" I asked, working to conceal my agony.
"You're dangerous?" she guessed. Her breathing hiked, and her heart raced.
I couldn't answer her. Was this my last moment with her? Would she run now? Could I be allowed to tell her that I loved her before she left? Or would that frighten her more?
"But not bad," she whispered, shaking her head, no fear in her clear eyes. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."
"You're wrong," I breathed.
Of course I was bad. Wasn't I rejoicing now, that she thought better of me than I deserved? If I were a good person, I would have stayed away from her.
I stretched my hand across the table, reaching for the lid to her lemonade bottle as an excuse. She did not flinch away from my suddenly closer hand. She really was not afraid of me. Not yet.
I spun the lid like a top, watching it instead of her. My thoughts were in a snarl. Run, Bella, run. I couldn't make myself say the words out loud.
She jumped to her feet. "We're going to be late," she said, just as I'd started to worry that she'd somehow heard my silent warning.
"I'm not going to class."
"Why not?"
Because I don't want to kill you. "It's healthy to ditch class now and then." To be precise, it was healthier for the humans if the vampires ditched on days when human blood would be spilt. Mr. Banner was blood typing today. Alice had already ditched her morning class.
"Well, I'm going," she said. This didn't surprise me. She was responsible - she always did the right thing.
She was my opposite.
"I'll see you later then," I said, trying for casual again, staring down at the whirling lid. And, by the way, I adore you...in frightening, dangerous ways. She hesitated, and I hoped for a moment that she would stay with me after all. But the bell rang and she hurried away.
I waited until she was gone, and then I put the lid in my pocket - a souvenir of this most consequential conversation - and walked through the rain to my car.
I put on my favorite calming CD - the same one I'd listened to that first day - but I wasn't hearing Debussy's notes for long. Other notes were running through my head, a fragment of a tune that pleased and intrigued me. I turned down the stereo and listened to the music in my head, playing with the fragment until it evolved into a fuller harmony. Instinctively, my fingers moved in the air over imaginary piano keys.
The new composition was really coming along when my attention was caught by a wave of mental anguish.
I looked toward the distress.
Is she going to pass out? What do I do? Mike panicked.
A hundred yards away, Mike Newton was lowering Bella's limp body to the sidewalk. She slumped unresponsively against the wet concrete, her eyes closed, her skin chalky as a corpse.
I almost took the door off the car.
"Bella?" I shouted.
There was no change in her lifeless face when I yelled her name.
My whole body went colder than ice.
I was aware of Mike's aggravated surprise as I sifted furiously through his thoughts. He was only thinking of his anger toward me, so I didn't know what was wrong with Bella. If he'd done something to harm her, I would annihilate him. "What's wrong - is she hurt?" I demanded, trying to focus his thoughts. It was maddening to have to walk at a human pace. I should not have called attention to my approach.
Then I could hear her heart beating and her even breath. As I watched, she squeezed her eyes more tightly shut. That eased some of my panic.
I saw a flicker of memories in Mike's head, a splash of images from the Biology room. Bella's head on our table, her fair skin turning green. Drops of red against the white cards...
Blood typing.
I stopped where I was, holding my breath. Her scent was one thing, her flowing blood was another altogether.
"I think she's fainted," Mike said, anxious and resentful at the same time. "I don't know what happened, she didn't even stick her finger."
Relief washed through me, and I breathed again, tasting the air. Ah, I could smell the tiny flow of Mike Newton's puncture wound. Once, that might have appealed to me. I knelt beside her while Mike hovered next to me, furious at my intervention. "Bella. Can you hear me?"
"No," she moaned. "Go away."
The relief was so exquisite that I laughed. She was fine.
"I was taking her to the nurse," Mike said. "But she wouldn't go any farther." "I'll take her. You can go back to class," I said dismissively.
Mike's teeth clenched together. "No. I'm supposed to do it."
I wasn't going to stand around arguing with the wretch.
Thrilled and terrified, half-grateful to and half-aggrieved by the predicament which made touching her a necessity, I gently lifted Bella from the sidewalk and held her in my arms, touching only her clothes, keeping as much distance between our bodies as possible. I was striding forward in the same movement, in a hurry to have her safe - farther away from me, in other words.
Her eyes popped open, astonished.
"Put me down," she ordered in a weak voice - embarrassed again, I guessed from her expression. She didn't like to show weakness.
I barely heard Mike's shouted protest behind us.
"You look awful," I told her, grinning because there was nothing wrong with her but a light head and a weak stomach.
"Put me back on the sidewalk," she said. Her lips were white.
"So you faint at the sight of blood?" Could it get any more ironic?
She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together.
"And not even your own blood," I added, my grin widening.
We were to the front office. The door was propped an inch open, and I kicked it out of my way.
Ms. Cope jumped, startled. "Oh, my," she gasped as she examined the ashen girl in my arms.
"She fainted in Biology," I explained, before her imagination could get too out of hand.
Ms. Cope hurried to open the door to the nurse's office. Bella's eyes were open again, watching her. I heard the elderly nurse's internal astonishment as I laid the girl carefully on the one shabby bed. As soon as Bella was out of my arms, I put the width of the room between us. My body was too excited, too eager, my muscles tense and the venom flowing. She was so warm and fragrant.
"She's just a little faint," I reassured Mrs. Hammond. "They're blood typing in biology."
She nodded, understanding now. "There's always one."
I stifled a laugh. Trust Bella to be that one.
"Just lie down for a minute, honey," Mrs. Hammond said. "It'll pass."
"I know," Bella said.
"Does this happen often?" the nurse asked.
"Sometimes," Bella admitted.
I tried to disguise my laughter as coughing.
This brought me to the nurse's attention. "You can go back to class now," she said.
I looked her straight in the eye and lied with perfect confidence. "I'm supposed to stay with her."
Hmm. I wonder... oh well. Mrs. Hammond nodded.
It worked just fine on her. Why did Bella have to be so difficult? "I'll go get you some ice for your forehead, dear," the nurse said, slightly uncomfortable from looking into my eyes - the way a human should be - and left the room.
"You were right," Bella moaned, closing her eyes.
What did she mean? I jumped to the worst conclusion: she'd accepted my warnings.
"I usually am," I said, trying to keep the amusement in my voice; it sounded sour now. "But about what in particular this time?"
"Ditching is healthy," she sighed.
Ah, relief again.
She was silent then. She just breathed slowly in and out. Her lips were beginning to turn pink. Her mouth was slightly out of balance, her lower lip just a little too full to match the top. Staring at her mouth made me feel strange. Made me want to move closer to her, which was not a good idea.
"You scared me for a minute there," I said - to restart the conversation so that I could hear her voice again. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."
"Ha ha," she said.
"Honestly - I've seen corpses with better color." This was actually true. "I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder." And I would have.
"Poor Mike," she sighed. "I'll bet he's mad."
Fury pulsed through me, but I contained it quickly. Her concern was surely just pity. She was kind. That was all.
"He absolutely loathes me," I told her, cheered by that idea.
"You can't know that."
"I saw his face - I could tell." It was probably true that reading his face would have given me enough information to make that particular deduction. All this practice with Bella was sharpening my skill at reading human expressions.
"How did you see me? I thought you were ditching." Her face looked better - the green undertone had vanished from her translucent skin.
"I was in my car, listening to a CD."
Her expression twitched, like my very ordinary answer had surprised her somehow.
She opened her eyes again when Mrs. Hammond returned with an ice pack. "Here you go, dear," the nurse said as she laid it across Bella's forehead. "You're looking better."
"I think I'm fine," Bella said, and she sat up while pulling the ice pack away. Of course. She didn't like to be taken care of.
Mrs. Hammond's wrinkled hands fluttered toward the girl, as if she were going to push her back down, but just then Ms. Cope opened the door to the office and leaned in. With her appearance came the smell of fresh blood, just a whiff.
Invisible in the office behind her, Mike Newton was still very angry, wishing the heavy boy he dragged now was the girl who was in here with me.
"We've got another one," Ms. Cope said.
Bella quickly jumped down from the cot, eager to be out of the spotlight. "Here," she said, handing the compress back to Mrs. Hammond. "I don't need this."
Mike grunted as he half-shoved Lee Stevens through the door. Blood was still dripping down the hand Lee held to his face, trickling toward his wrist.
"Oh no." This was my cue to leave - and Bella's, too, it seemed. "Get out to the office, Bella."
She stared up at me with bewildered eyes.
"Trust me - go."
She whirled and caught the door before it had swung shut, rushing through to the office. I followed a few inches behind her. Her swinging hair brushed my hand... She turned to look at me, still wide-eyed.
"You actually listened to me." That was a first.
Her small nose wrinkled. "I smelled the blood."
I stared at her in blank surprise. "People can't smell blood."
"Well, I can - that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust...and salt."
My face froze, still staring.
Was she really even human? She looked human. She felt soft as a human. She smelled human - well, better actually. She acted human...sort of. But she didn't think like a human, or respond like one.
What other option was there, though?
"What?" she demanded.
"It's nothing."
Mike Newton interrupted us then, entering the room with resentful, violent thoughts.
"You look better," he said to her rudely.
My hand twitched, wanting to teach him some manners. I would have to watch myself, or I would end up actually killing this obnoxious boy.
"Just keep your hand in your pocket," she said. For one wild second, I thought she was talking to me.
"It's not bleeding anymore," he answered sullenly. "Are you going back to class?"
"Are you kidding? I'd just have to turn around and come back."
That was very good. I'd thought I was going to have to miss this whole hour with her, and now I got extra time instead. I felt greedy, a miser hording over each minute. "Yeah, I guess..." Mike mumbled. "So are you going this weekend? To the beach?"
Ah, they had plans. Anger froze me in place. It was a group trip, though. I'd seen some of this in other students' heads. It wasn't just the two of them. I was still furious. I leaned motionlessly against the counter, trying to control myself.
"Sure, I said I was in," she promised him.
So she'd said yes to him, too. The jealousy burned, more painful than thirst.
No, it was just a group outing, I tried to convince myself. She was just spending the day with friends. Nothing more.
"We're meeting at my dad's store, at ten." And Cullen's NOT invited.
"I'll be there," she said.
"I'll see you in Gym, then."
"See you," she replied.
He shuffled off to his class, his thoughts full of ire. What does she see in that freak? Sure, he's rich, I guess. Chicks think he's hot, but I don't see that. Too...too perfect. I bet his dad experiments with plastic surgery on all of them. That's why they're all so white and pretty. It's not natural. And he's sort of...scary-looking. Sometimes, when he stares at me, I'd swear he's thinking about killing me... Freak...
Mike wasn't entirely unperceptive.
"Gym," Bella repeated quietly. A groan.
I looked at her, and saw that she was sad about something again. I wasn't sure why, but it was clear that she didn't want to go to her next class with Mike, and I was all for that plan.
I went to her side and bent close to her face, feeling the warmth of her skin radiating out to my lips. I didn't dare breathe.
"I can take care of that," I murmured. "Go sit down and look pale."
She did as I asked, sitting in one of the folding chairs and leaning her head back against the wall, while, behind me, Ms. Cope came out of the back room and went to her desk. With her eyes closed, Bella looked as if she'd passed out again. Her full color hadn't returned yet.
I turned to the secretary. Hopefully Bella was paying attention to this, I thought sardonically. This was how a human was supposed to respond.
"Ms. Cope?" I asked, using my persuasive voice again.
Her eyelashes fluttered, and her heart sped up. Too young, get a hold of yourself!
"Yes?"
That was interesting. When Shelly Cope's pulse quickened, it was because she found me physically attractive, not because she was frightened. I was used to that around human females...yet I hadn't considered that explanation for Bella's racing heart. I rather liked that. Too much, in fact. I smiled, and Mrs. Cope's breathing got louder.
"Bella has gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" I stared into her depthless eyes, enjoying the havoc that this wreaked on her thought processes. Was it possible that Bella...?
Mrs. Cope had to swallow loudly before she answered. "Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?"
"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."
I wasn't paying much attention to her now. I was exploring this new possibility. Hmm. I'd like to believe that Bella found me attractive like other humans did, but when did Bella ever have the same reactions as other humans? I shouldn't get my hopes up.
"Okay, it's all taken care of. You feel better, Bella."
Bella nodded weakly - overacting a bit.
"Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?" I asked, amused by her poor theatrics. I knew she would want to walk - she wouldn't want to be weak. "I'll walk," she said.
Right again. I was getting better at this.
She got up, hesitating for a moment as if to check her balance. I held the door for her, and we walked out into the rain.
I watched her as she lifted her face to the light rain with her eyes closed, a slight smile on her lips. What was she thinking? Something about this action seemed off, and I quickly realized why the posture looked unfamiliar to me. Normal human girls wouldn't raise their faces to the drizzle that way; normal human girls usually wore makeup, even here in this wet place.
Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billions of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.
"Thanks," she said, smiling at me now. "It's worth getting sick to miss Gym."
I stared across the campus, wondering how to prolong my time with her.
"Anytime," I said.
"So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?" She sounded hopeful.
Ah, her hope was soothing. She wanted me with her, not Mike Newton. And I wanted to say yes. But there were many things to consider. For one, the sun would be shining this Saturday...
"Where are you all going, exactly?" I tried to keep my voice nonchalant, as if it didn't matter much. Mike had said beach, though. Not much chance of avoiding sunlight there.
"Down to La Push, to First Beach."
Damn. Well, it was impossible, then.
Anyway, Emmett would be irritated if I cancelled our plans.
I glanced down at her, smiling wryly. "I really don't think I was invited." She sighed, already resigned. "I just invited you."
"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." I thought about snapping poor Mike myself, and enjoyed the mental picture intensely.
"Mike-schmike," she said, dismissive again. I smiled widely.
And then she started to walk away from me.
Without thinking about my action, I reached out and caught her by the back of her rain jacket. She jerked to a stop.
"Where do you think you're going?" I was almost angry that she was leaving me.
I hadn't had enough time with her. She couldn't go, not yet.
"I'm going home," she said, baffled as to why this should upset me.
"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" I knew she wouldn't like that - my implication of weakness on her part. But I needed to practice for the Seattle trip, anyway. See if I could handle her proximity in an enclosed space. This was a much shorter journey.
"What condition?" she demanded. "And what about my truck?"
"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." I pulled her back to my car carefully, as I now knew that walking forward was challenging enough for her.
"Let go!" she said, twisting sideways and nearly tripping. I held one hand out to catch her, but she righted herself before it was necessary. I shouldn't be looking for excuses to touch her. That started me thinking about Ms. Cope's reaction to me, but I filed it away for later. There was much to be considered on that front.
I let her go beside the car, and she stumbled into the door. I would have to be even more careful, to take into account her poor balance...
"You are so pushy!"
"It's open."
I got in on my side and started the car. She held her body rigidly, still outside, though the rain had picked up and I knew she didn't like the cold and wet. Water was soaking through her thick hair, darkening it to near black.
"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!"
Of course she was - I just wasn't capable of letting her go.
I rolled her window down and leaned toward her. "Get in, Bella."
Her eyes narrowed, and I guessed that she was debating whether or not to make a run for it.
"I'll just drag you back," I promised, enjoying the chagrin on her face when she realized I meant it.
Her chin stiffly in the air, she opened her door and climbed in. Her hair dripped on the leather and her boots squeaked against each other.
"This is completely unnecessary," she said coldly. I thought she looked embarrassed under the pique.
I just turned up the heater so she wouldn't be uncomfortable, and set the music to a nice background level. I drove out toward the exit, watching her from the corner of my eye. Her lower lip was jutting out stubbornly. I stared at this, examining how it made me feel... thinking of the secretary's reaction again...
Suddenly she looked at the stereo and smiled, her eyes widening. "Clair de Lune?" she asked.
A fan of the classics? "You know Debussy?"
"Not well," she said. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house - I only know my favorites."
"It's one of my favorites, too." I stared at the rain, considering that. I actually had something in common with the girl. I'd begun to think that we were opposites in every way.
She seemed more relaxed now, staring at the rain like me, with unseeing eyes. I used her momentary distraction to experiment with breathing.
I inhaled carefully through my nose.
Potent.
I clutched the steering wheel tighter. The rain made her smell better. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. Stupidly, I was suddenly imaging how she would taste. I tried to swallow against the burn in my throat, to think of something else.
"What is your mother like?" I asked as a distraction.
Bella smiled. "She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier."
I doubted that.
"I have too much Charlie in me," she went on. "She's more outgoing than I am, and braver."
I doubted that, too.
"She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend." Her voice had turned melancholy; her forehead creased.
Again, she sounded more like parent than child.
I stopped in front of her house, wondering too late if I was supposed to know where she lived. No, this wouldn't be suspicious in such a small town, with her father a public figure...
"How old are you, Bella?" She must be older than her peers. Perhaps she'd been late to start school, or been held back...that wasn't likely, though.
"I'm seventeen," she answered.
"You don't seem seventeen."
She laughed.
"What?"
"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middleaged every year." She laughed again, and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."
This clarified things for me. I could see it now...how the irresponsible mother helped explain Bella's maturity. She'd had to grow up early, to become the caretaker. That's why she didn't like being cared for - she felt it was her job.
"You don't seem much like a junior in high school yourself," she said, pulling me from my reverie.
I grimaced. For everything I perceived about her, she perceived too much in return. I changed the subject.
"So why did your mother marry Phil?"
She hesitated a minute before answering. "My mother...she's very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she's crazy about him." She shook her head indulgently.
"Do you approve?" I wondered.
"Does it matter?" she asked. "I want her to be happy...and he is who she wants." The unselfishness of her comment would have shocked me, except that it fit in all too well with what I'd learned of her character.
"That's very generous...I wonder."
"What?"
"Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?"
It was a foolish question, and I could not keep my voice casual while I asked it.
How stupid to even consider someone approving of me for their daughter. How stupid to even think of Bella choosing me.
"I-I think so," she stuttered, reacting in some way to my gaze. Fear...or attraction?
"But she's the parent, after all. It's a little bit different," she finished. I smiled wryly. "No one too scary then."
She grinned at me. "What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercings and extensive tattoos?"
"That's one definition, I suppose." A very nonthreatening definition, to my mind. "What's your definition?"
She always asked the wrong questions. Or exactly the right questions, maybe. The ones I didn't want to answer, at any rate.
"Do you think that I could be scary?" I asked her, trying to smile a little. She thought it through before answering me in a serious voice. "Hmm...I think you could be, if you wanted to."
I was serious, too. "Are you frightened of me now?"
She answered at once, not thinking this one through. "No."
I smiled more easily. I did not think she was entirely telling the truth, but nor was she truly lying. She wasn't frightened enough to want to leave, at least. I wondered how she would feel if I told her she was having this discussion with a vampire. I cringed internally at her imagined reaction.
"So, now are you going to tell me about your family? It's got to be a much more interesting story than mine."
A more frightening one, at least.
"What do you want to know?" I asked cautiously.
"The Cullens adopted you?"
"Yes."
She hesitated, then spoke in a small voice. "What happened to your parents?" This wasn't so hard; I wasn't even having to lie to her. "They died a very long time ago."
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, clearly worried about having hurt me.
She was worried about me.
"I don't really remember them that clearly," I assured her. "Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now."
"And you love them," she deduced.
I smiled. "Yes. I couldn't imagine two better people."
"You're very lucky."
"I know I am." In that one circumstance, the matter of parents, my luck could not be denied.
"And your brother and sisters?"
If I let her push for too many details, I would have to lie. I glanced at the clock, disheartened that my time with her was up.
"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."
"Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go."
She didn't move. She didn't want our time to be up, either. I liked that very, very much.
"And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don't have to tell him about the Biology incident." I grinned at the memory of her embarrassment in my arms.
"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks." She said the name of the town with distinct distaste.
I laughed at her words. No secrets, indeed. "Have fun at the beach." I glanced at the pouring rain, knowing it would not last, and wishing more strongly than usual that it could. "Good weather for sunbathing." Well, it would be by Saturday. She would enjoy that.
"Won't I see you tomorrow?"
The worry in her tone pleased me.
"No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early." I was mad at myself now for having made the plans. I could break them...but there was no such thing as too much hunting at this point, and my family was going to be concerned enough about my behavior without me revealing how obsessive I was turning.
"What are you going to do?" she asked, not sounded happy with my revelation.
Good.
"We're going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier."
Emmett was eager for bear season.
"Oh, well, have fun," she said halfheartedly. Her lack of enthusiasm pleased me again.
As I stared at her, I began to feel almost agonized at the thought of saying even a temporary goodbye. She was just so soft and vulnerable. It seemed foolhardy to let her out of my sight, where anything could happen to her. And yet, the worst things that could happen to her would result from being with me.
"Will you do something for me this weekend?" I asked seriously.
She nodded, her eyes wide and bewildered by my intensity.
Keep it light.
"Don't be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So...try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?"
I smiled ruefully at her, hoping she couldn't see the sadness in my eyes. How much I wished that she wasn't so much better off away from me, no matter what might happen to her there.
Run, Bella, run. I love you too much, for your good or mine.
She was offended by my teasing. She glared at me. "I'll see what I can do," she snapped, jumping out into the rain and slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.
Just like an angry kitten that believes it's a tiger.
I curled my hand around the key I'd just picked from her jacket pocket, and smiled as I drove away.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 22:36
7. Melody
I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasn't out yet. That was good, because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time.
Her scent lingered in the car. I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, trying to get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat.
Attraction.
It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many different meanings and levels. Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.
I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me. (Would her mental silence somehow continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad? Or was there a limit that I would eventually reach?)
I tried to compare her physical responses to others, like the secretary and Jessica Stanley, but the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers - changes in heart rate and breathing patterns - could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they did interest. It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughts that Jessica Stanley used to have. After all, Bella knew very well that there was something wrong with me, even if she didn't know what exactly it was. She had touched my icy skin, and then yanked her hand away from the chill.
And yet...as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me, but remembered them with Bella in Jessica's place...
I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.
What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile body? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers, where I could feel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still...
But then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had known when Jessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her.
Attraction was an impossible dilemma, because I was already too attracted to Bella in the worst way.
Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?
That was the wrong question. The right question was should I want Bella to be attracted to me that way, and that answer was no. Because I was not a human man, and that wasn't fair to her.
With every fiber of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could hold her in my arms without risking her life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies, fantasies that didn't end in with her blood on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes. My pursuit of her was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I offer her, when I couldn't risk touching her?
I hung my head in my hands.
It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole life - not even when I was human, as far as I could recall. When I had been human, my thoughts had all been turned to a soldier's glory. The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence, and I'd been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck... I had just vague impressions of those human years, murky memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mother most clearly, and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly how much she had hated the future I'd raced eagerly toward, praying every night when she said grace at dinner that the "horrid war" would end... I had no memories of another kind of yearning. Besides my mother's love, there was no other love that had made me wish to stay...
This was entirely new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make. The love I felt for Bella had come purely, but now the waters were muddied. I wanted very much to be able to touch her. Did she feel the same way?
That didn't matter, I tried to convince myself.
I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strength...
I jumped when the passenger door opened.
Ha. Caught you by surprise. There's a first, Emmett thought as he slid into the seat. "I'll bet Mrs. Goff thinks you're on drugs, you've been so erratic lately. Where were you today?"
"I was...doing good deeds."
Huh?
I chuckled. "Caring for the sick, that kind of thing."
That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car. "Oh. The girl again?"
I grimaced.
This is getting weird.
"Tell me about it," I mumbled.
He inhaled again. "Hmm, she does have a quite a flavor, doesn't she?"
The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way, an automatic response.
"Easy, kid, I'm just sayin.'"
The others arrived then. Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me, still not over her irritation. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear from her were insults.
I didn't like Jasper's reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella's appeal. Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control... Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bella's truck key. "I only saw that I was," she said - obscurely, as was her habit. "You'll have to tell me the whys."
"This doesn't mean - "
"I know, I know. I'll wait. It won't be long."
I sighed and gave her the key.
I followed her to Bella's house. The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that maybe Bella's human ears couldn't hear the thunder of the truck's engine. I watched her window, but she didn't come to look out. Maybe she wasn't there. There were no thoughts to hear.
It made me sad that I couldn't hear enough even to check on her - to make sure she was happy, or safe, at the least.
Alice climbed in the back and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so it only took a few minutes. We trooped into the house, and then went to our various pastimes.
Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizing eight joined boards - spread out along the glass back wall - and their own complicated set of rules. They wouldn't let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore. Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear her monitors sing to life. Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalie's wardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and color as Alice's hand traced over the touch sensitive screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweak that system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, today Rosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels a second on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or not to go out to the garage and tune her BMW again.
Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blue prints.
Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthing Emmett's next moves - Emmett sat on the floor with his back to her - to Jasper, who kept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmett's favorite knight.
And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisite grand piano stationed just off the entryway.
I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning was still perfect. Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.
I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today, pleased that it sounded even better than I'd imagined.
Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across her face. She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs. I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.
Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head against the banister. A new song. It's been so long. What a lovely tune.
I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line.
Edward is composing again? Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together in fierce resentment.
In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Isabella Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.
With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.
The music came to an abrupt halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, a sharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth. Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined fury.
Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esme's confusion. Esme was downstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.
"Don't stop, Edward," Esme encouraged after a strained moment.
I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of the room, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly quite embarrassed.
If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog.
I smothered another laugh.
"What's wrong, Rose?" Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn't turn. She continued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if she could bury herself there.
"What's that about?" Emmett asked me.
"I don't have the faintest idea," I lied.
Emmett grumbled, frustrated.
"Keep playing," Esme urged. My hands had paused again.
I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders.
The song was compelling, but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didn't seem right somehow.
"It's charming. Does it have a name?" Esme asked.
"Not yet."
"Is there a story to it?" she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very great pleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish. "It's...a lullaby, I suppose." I got the bridge right then. It led easily to the next movement, taking on a life of its own.
"A lullaby," she repeated to herself.
There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into place effortlessly. The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillow...
Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. In her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant two octaves above the melody.
"I like it," I murmured. "But how about this?"
I added her line to the harmony - my hands were flying across the keys now to work all the pieces together - modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction... She caught the mood, and sung along.
"Yes. Perfect," I said.
Esme squeezed my shoulder.
But I could see the end now, with Alice's voice rising above the tune and taking it to another place. I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness. The song drifted toward that realization, slower and lower now. Alice's voice lowered, too, and became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral. I played the last note, and then bowed my head over the keys.
Esme stroked my hair. It's going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that.
"Thanks," I whispered, wishing I could believe it.
Love doesn't always come in convenient packages.
I laughed once without humor.
You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all.
I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.
Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time, no matter the potential for tragedy. She'd thought I would always be alone...
She'll have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. If she's a bright girl. She smiled. But I can't imagine anyone being so slow they wouldn't see the catch you are.
"Stop it, Mom, you're making me blush," I teased. Her words, though improbable, did cheer me.
Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of "Heart and Soul." I grinned and completed the simple harmony with her. Then I favored her with a performance of "Chopsticks."
She giggled, then sighed. "So I wish you'd tell me what you were laughing at Rose about," Alice said. "But I can see that you won't."
"Nope."
She flicked my ear with her finger.
"Be nice, Alice," Esme chided. "Edward is being a gentleman."
"But I want to know."
I laughed at the whining tone she put on. Then I said, "Here, Esme," and began playing her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.
"Thank you, dear." She squeezed my shoulder again.
I didn't have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead I thought of Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself. Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousand times more petty than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario.
I wondered how Rosalie's life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beauty hadn't at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? More compassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, and she always had been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the spotlight of her own loveliness. Not that she'd minded. The opposite - she'd loved admiration above almost anything else. That hadn't changed with the loss of her mortality.
It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that she'd been offended when I had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship. Not that she'd wanted me in any way - far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.
It was different with Jasper and Carlisle - they were already both in love. I was completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.
I'd thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.
And she had been...until the day that I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.
Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshiping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. She'd been furious since the moment I'd saved Bella's life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.
Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more appealing than her.
I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella. Rosalie actually thought the girl was plain. How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.
"Oh!" Alice said abruptly. "Jasper, guess what?"
I saw what she'd just seen, and my hands froze on the keys.
"What, Alice?" Jasper asked.
"Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They're going to be in the neighborhood, isn't that nice?"
"What's wrong, Edward?" Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders.
"Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks?" I hissed at Alice She rolled her eyes at me. "Calm down, Edward. It's not their first visit."
My teeth clenched together. It was their first visit since Bella had arrived, and her sweet blood didn't appeal just to me.
Alice frowned at my expression. "They never hunt here. You know that."
But Jasper's brother of sorts and the little vampire he loved were not like us; they hunted the usual way. They could not be trusted around Bella.
"When?" I demanded.
She pursed her lips unhappily, but told me what I needed to know. Monday morning. No one is going to hurt Bella.
"No," I agreed, and then turned away from her. "You ready, Emmett?"
"I thought we were leaving in the morning?"
"We're coming back by midnight Sunday. I guess it's up to you when you want to leave."
"Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first."
"Sure." With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a short goodbye.
You really have lost it, Edward, he thought as he headed toward the back door.
"I suppose I have."
"Play the new song for me, one more time," Esme asked.
"If you'd like that," I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to its unavoidable end - the end that had set me aching in unfamiliar ways. I thought for a moment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty music stand. That helped a bit - my little memento of her yes.
I nodded to myself, and started playing.
Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.
"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I called to Emmett.
"Oh, hey Edward!" he shouted back, grinning and waving at me. The bear took advantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmett's chest. The sharp claws shredded through his shirt, and squealed across his skin.
The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.
Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!
Emmett roared back at the enraged animal.
I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might take awhile.
But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with another swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back. The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launched himself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. The bear's growls cut off with a gurgle.
A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. His shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curly hair wasn't in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.
"That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me."
"You're such a child, Emmett."
He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. "Weren't you able to track down that mountain lion, then?"
"Of course I was. I just don't eat like a savage."
Emmett laughed his booming laugh. "I wish they were stronger. It would be more fun."
"No one said you had to fight your food."
"Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose never wants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it." "Life is hard all around, isn't it?"
Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised to take a charge.
"C'mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair."
"It doesn't turn off," I reminded him.
"Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out?" Emmett mused. "Maybe she could give me some pointers."
My good humor vanished. "Stay away from her," I growled through my teeth. "Touchy, touchy."
I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.
"Sorry. I know you're going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not be too much of an insensitive jerk, but, since that's sort of my natural state..." He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face.
So serious all the time. What's bugging you now?
"Thinking about her. Well, worrying, really."
"What's there to worry about? You are here." He laughed loudly.
I ignored his joke again, but answered his question. "Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?"
"Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn't much match for a bear that first time around, was I?"
"Bears," I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. "That would be just her luck, wouldn't it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella."
Emmett chuckled. "You sound like a crazy person, do you know that?" "Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bear...or get hit by a car...or lightening...or fall down stairs...or get sick - get a disease!" The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out - they'd been festering inside me all weekend. "Fires and earthquakes and tornados! Ugh!
When's the last time you watched the news? Have you seen the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides..." My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldn't breathe. "Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, kid. She lives in Forks, remember? So she gets rained on." He shrugged.
"I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. Look at the evidence. Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires make up a significant portion of the population."
"Yeah, but we're vegetarians. So isn't that good luck, not bad?"
"With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then, more bad luck, the way she smells to me." I glowered at my hands, hating them again.
"Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle. Good luck again."
"The van?"
"That was just an accident."
"You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again. I swear, it was like she had some kind of magnetic pull."
"But you were there. That was good luck."
"Was it? Isn't this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have - to have a vampire fall in love with them?"
Emmett considered that quietly for a moment. He pictured the girl in his head, and found the image uninteresting. Honestly, I can't really see the draw.
"Well, I can't really see Rosalie's allure, either," I said rudely. "Honestly, she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth."
Emmett chuckled. "I don't suppose you'd tell me..."
"I don't know what her problem is, Emmett," I lied with a sudden, wide grin. I saw his intent in time to brace myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, and there was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us. "Cheater," he muttered.
I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction. He was picturing Bella's face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes bright red...
"No," I said, my voice strangled.
"It solves your worries about mortality, doesn't it? And then you wouldn't want to kill her, either. Isn't that the best way?"
"For me? Or for her?"
"For you," he answered easily. His tone added the of course.
I laughed humorlessly. "Wrong answer."
"I didn't mind so much," he reminded me.
"Rosalie did."
He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it meant she could be human again. Even Emmett.
"Yeah, Rose did," he acquiesced quietly.
"I can't... I shouldn't... I'm not going to ruin Bella's life. Wouldn't you feel the same, if it were Rosalie?"
Emmett thought about that for a moment. You really...love her?
"I can't even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this girl's the whole world to me. I don't see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore."
But you won't change her? She won't last forever, Edward.
"I know that," I groaned.
And, as you've pointed out, she's sort of breakable.
"Trust me - that I know, too."
Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. He struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.
Can you even touch her? I mean, if you love her...wouldn't you want to, well touch her...?
Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how one could love, without that aspect.
I sighed. "I can't even think of that, Emmett."
Wow. So what are your options, then?
"I don't know," I whispered. "I'm trying to figure out a way to...to leave her. I just can't fathom how to make myself stay away..."
With a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was right for me to stay - at least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way. She was safer with me here, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone. For the moment, I could be her unlikely protector.
The thought made me anxious; I itched to be back so that I could fill that role for as long as possible.
Emmett noticed the change in my expression. What are you thinking about?
"Right now," I admitted a bit sheepishly, "I'm dying to run back to Forks and check on her. I don't know if I'll make it till Sunday night."
"Uh-uh! You are not going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit.
Please! For my sake."
"I'll try to stay," I said doubtfully.
Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket. "Alice would call if there were any basis for your panic attack. She's as weird about this girl as you are."
I grimaced at that. "Fine. But I'm not staying past Sunday."
"There's no point in hurrying back - it's going to be sunny, anyway. Alice said we were free from school until Wednesday."
I shook my head rigidly.
"Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves."
"I really don't care, Emmett. With Bella's luck, she'll go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and - " I flinched. "Peter isn't known for his selfcontrol. I'm going back Sunday."
Emmett sighed. Exactly like a crazy person.
Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Monday morning. I'd remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of my way.
I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that she'd had a less restless night than the last time I was here. She had her hands folded under her cheek like a small child, and her mouth was slightly open. I could hear her breath moving slowly in and out between her lips.
It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again. I realized that I wasn't truly at ease unless that was the case. Nothing was right when I was away from her.
Not that all was right when I was with her, either, though. I sighed, letting the thirst fire rake through my throat. I'd been away from it too long. The time spent without pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now. It was bad enough that I was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wanted to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let myself get that close to her, I would want to be closer still...
Her lips looked very soft and warm. I could imagine touching them with the tip of my finger. Just lightly...
That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid.
My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes. Mortals changed all the time - I was sad at the thought of missing anything...
I thought she looked...tired. Like she hadn't gotten enough sleep this weekend.
Had she gone out?
I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didn't own her. She wasn't mine.
No, she wasn't mine - and I was sad again.
One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healed scrapes across the heel of her palm. She'd been hurt? Even though it was obviously not a serious injury, it still disturbed me. I considered the location, and decided she must have tripped. That seemed a reasonable explanation, all things considered.
It was comforting to think that I wouldn't have to puzzle over either of these small mysteries forever. We were friends now - or, at least, trying to be friends. I could ask her about her weekend - about the beach, and whatever late night activity had made her look so weary. I could ask what had happened to her hands. And I could laugh a little when she confirmed my theory about them.
I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she had fallen in the ocean. I wondered if she'd had a pleasant time on the outing. I wondered if she'd thought about me at all. If she'd missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that I'd missed her. I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach. The picture was incomplete, though, because I'd never been to First Beach myself. I only knew how it looked in pictures... I felt a tiny qualm of unease as I thought about the reason why I'd never once been to the pretty beach located just a few minutes run from my home. Bella had spent the day at La Push - a place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go. A place where a few old men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them. A place where our secret was known...
I shook my head. I had nothing to worry about there. The Quileutes were bound by treaty, too. Even had Bella run into one of those aging sages, they could reveal nothing. And why would the subject ever be broached? Why would Bella think to voice her curiosity there? No - the Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have to worry about.
I was angry with the sun when it began to rise. It reminded me that I could not satisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?
With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to see me here. I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, but when I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on the trail there.
I followed it quickly, curiously, becoming more and more worried as it led deeper into the darkness. What had Bella been doing out here?
The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. She'd gone just a few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where she'd touched the trunk of a fallen tree. Perhaps sat there...
I sat where she had, and looked around. All she would have been able to see was ferns and forest. It had probably been raining - the scent was washed out, having never set deeply into the tree.
Why would Bella have come to sit here alone - and she had been alone, no doubt about that - in the middle of the wet, murky forest?
It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bring this up in casual conversation.
So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your room where I'd been watching you sleep... Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker. I would never know what she'd been thinking and doing here, and that had my teeth grinding together in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I'd imagined for Emmett - Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call to anyone who had the senses to track it...
I groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it.
Well, for this moment she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it.
I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 22:41
8. Ghost
I did not see much of Jasper's guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks. I only went home at all so that Esme wouldn't worry. Otherwise, my existence seemed more like that of a specter than a vampire. I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I could follow the object of my love and obsession - where I could see her and hear her in the minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reacted to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.
The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before. But the sun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much. Anything that pleased her was in my good graces.
Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential to destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture. As it ended up, though, it rather made my day.
I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up and slunk away to nurse his wounds. He had more bravery than I'd given him credit for. He was going to try again.
Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while it lasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell to ring. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I had not anticipated.
Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck.
It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forest's shadows by the bright sunlight.
She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic, and me the opposite.
See, she likes me. She wouldn't smile like that if she didn't. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what's so important in Seattle...
He perceived the change in her hair. "I never noticed before - your hair has red in it."
I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when he pinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.
"Only in the sun," she said. To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from him slightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear.
It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk.
She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From the faintly smug expression on her face, hers was already done. He'd forgotten altogether, and that severely diminished his free time.
Dang - stupid essay.
Finally he got to the point - my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite - and even then, he couldn't make himself ask the question outright. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out."
"Oh," she said.
There was a brief silence.
Oh? What does that mean? Is she going to yes? Wait - I guess I didn't really ask.
He swallowed hard.
"Well, we could go to dinner or something...and I could work on it later." Stupid - that wasn't a question either.
"Mike..."
The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last week. I broke another tree trying to hold myself here. I wanted so badly to race across the campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her up - to steal her away from the boy that I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it.
Would she say yes to him?
"I don't think that would be the best idea."
I breathed again. My rigid body relaxed.
Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn't have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it's that freak, Cullen...
"Why?" he asked sullenly.
"I think..." she hesitated. "And if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death - "
I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips. A jay shrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me.
"But I think that would hurt Jessica's feelings."
"Jessica?" What? But... Oh. Okay. I guess... So... Huh.
His thoughts were no longer coherent.
"Really, Mike, are you blind?"
I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn't expect everyone to be as perceptive as she was, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had had working himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn't just as difficult for Jessica? It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saw everything.
Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh. "Oh," he managed to say.
Bella used his confusion to make her exit.
"It's time for class, and I can't be late again."
Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned the idea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of her finding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way. She's cute, though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand...
He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about Bella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved either girl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that. When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormous madrone tree and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad when Angela Weber was available to look through. I wished there was someway to thank the Weber girl for simply being a nice person. It made me feel better to think that Bella had one friend worth having.
I watched Bella's face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that she was sad again. This surprised me - I thought the sun would be enough to keep her smiling. At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table, and that thrilled me. It gave me hope. Perhaps she missed me, too.
She had plans to go out with the other girls - I automatically planned my own surveillance - but these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the date he'd planned for Bella.
So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to make sure no one dangerous had wandered too close. I knew Jasper had warned his one-time brother to avoid the town - citing my insanity as both explanation and warning - but I wasn't taking any chances. Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animosity with my family, but intentions were changeable things...
All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that.
As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when I couldn't see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors. She had a book in her hand and a blanket under her arm.
Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking the yard.
She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and started flipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place. I read over her shoulder. Ah - more classics. She was an Austen fan.
She read quickly, crossing and recrossing her ankles in the air. I was watching the sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her hand froze on the page. All I saw was that she'd reached chapter three when she roughly grabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over.
I caught a glance of a title page, Mansfield Park. She was starting a new story - the book was a compilation of novels. I wondered why she'd switched stories so abruptly.
Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut. With a fierce scowl on her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back. She took a deep breath, as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes. I remembered the novel, but I couldn't think of anything offensive in it to upset her. Another mystery. I sighed.
She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. It fanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again. Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble.
Mumbling in her sleep.
Impossible to resist. I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the houses nearby.
Two tablespoons of flour...one cup of milk...
C'mon! Get it through the hoop! Aw, c'mon!
Red, or blue...or maybe I should wear something more casual...
There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes.
This was very wrong, very risky. How condescendingly I'd once judged Emmett for his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline - and now I was consciously flouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. I used to be the responsible one.
I sighed, but crept out into the sunshine, regardless.
I avoided looking at myself in the sun's glare. It was bad enough that my skin was stone and inhuman in shadow; I didn't want to look at Bella and myself side by side in the sunlight. The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enough without this image also in my head.
But I couldn't ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I got closer. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined her terror if she opened her eyes now...
I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there.
"Mmm... Mmm." Nothing intelligible. Well, I would wait for a bit.
I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while I was close, just in case. I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting the way the sunshine and open air affected her scent. The heat seemed to sweeten the smell. My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been away from her for too long.
I spent a moment controlling that, and then - forcing myself to breathe through my nose - I let her book fall open in my hands. She'd started with the first book... I flipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of Sense and Sensibility, searching for something potentially offensive in Austen's overly polite prose.
When my eyes stopped automatically at my name - the character Edward Ferrars being introduced for the first time - Bella spoke again.
"Mmm. Edward." She sighed.
This time I did not fear that she had awoken. Her voice was just a low, wistful murmur. Not the scream of fear it would have been if she'd seen me now.
Joy warred with self-loathing. She was still dreaming of me, at least.
"Edmund. Ahh. Too....close..."
Edmund?
Ha! She wasn't dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly. The self-loathing returned in force. She was dreaming of fictional characters. So much for my conceit. I replaced her book, and stole back into the cover of the shadows - where I belonged.
The afternoon passed and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowly sank in the sky and the shadows crawled across the lawn toward her. I wanted to push them back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her. When the light was gone, her skin looked too pale - ghostly. Her hair was dark again, almost black against her face.
It was a frightening thing to watch - like witnessing Alice's visions come to fruition. Bella's steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that kept this moment from feeling like a nightmare.
I was relieved when her father arrived home.
I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house. Some vague annoyance...in the past, something from his day at work. Expectation mixed with hunger - I guessed that he was looking forward to dinner. But his thoughts were so quiet and contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them.
I wondered what her mother sounded like - what the genetic combination had been that had formed her so uniquely.
Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her father's car hit the brick driveway. She stared around herself, seeming confused by the unexpected darkness. For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid, but they flickered quickly away.
"Charlie?" she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding the small yard.
The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound. She got to her feet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods. I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen, and listened to their evening. It was interesting to compare Charlie's words to his muffled thoughts. His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, and yet his words were always terse and casual. Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence.
I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and I refined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stay clear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention of hunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case. After all, there were always others of my kind out there. And then, all those human dangers that I had never much considered before now.
I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, and smiled at this proof to my theory - yes, she was a care-taker.
And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.
I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I was here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her so crassly.
My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me. I didn't miss the confused or disparaging thoughts, questioning my sanity. Emmett had left a note stuck to the newel post.
Football at the Rainier field - c'mon! Please?
I found a pen and scrawled the word sorry beneath his plea. The teams were even without me, in any case.
I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentler creatures that did not taste as good as the hunters, and then changed into fresh clothes before I ran back to Forks.
Bella did not sleep as well tonight. She thrashed in her blankets, her face sometimes worried, sometimes sad. I wondered what nightmare haunted her...and then realized that perhaps I really didn't want to know.
When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum voice. Only once, when she sighed out the words "Come back" and her hand twitched open - a wordless plea - did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me. The next day of school, the last day the sun would hold me prisoner, was much the same as the day before. Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wondered if she would bow out of her plans - she didn't seem in the mood.
But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends' enjoyment above that of her own.
She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly, making it look like fresh cream.
School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls up - Angela was going, too, for which I was grateful.
I went home to get my car. When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, I decided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start. I would never be able to bear following behind them, driving at the speed limit - hideous thought.
I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmett's and Esme's greetings as I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano. Ugh, he's back. Rosalie, of course.
Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so. Esme's joy was becoming marred by concern. She should be concerned. This love story she envisioned for me was careening toward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.
Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, Alice thought cheerfully. Let me know when I'm allowed to talk to Bella.
You're pathetic. I can't believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little more stormily than I'd intended. It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience. Jasper was saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously.
What a strange creature, the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking.
And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met.
Peter's thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case.
It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, he was concluding. His hair was just as fair as hers, and almost as long. They were very similar - except for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasper - in both look and thought. A well matched pair, I'd always thought.
Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played in more subdued tones so that I would not attract notice.
I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract me from my unease. It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind. I only returned my attention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final.
"If you see Maria again," Jasper was saying, a little warily, "tell her I wish her well."
Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and Peter - Jasper in the latter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties. She'd looked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful visit - we'd had to move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.
"I don't imagine that will happen soon," Peter said with a laugh - Maria was undeniable dangerous and there was not much love lost between her and Peter. Peter had, after all, been instrumental in Jasper's defection. Jasper had always been Maria's favorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. "But, should it happen, I certainly will."
They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart. I let the song I was playing trail off to an unsatisfying end, and got hastily to my feet.
"Charlotte, Peter," I said, nodding.
"It was nice to see you again, Edward," Charlotte said doubtfully. Peter just nodded in return.
Madman, Emmett threw after me.
Idiot, Rosalie thought at the same time.
Poor boy. Esme.
And Alice, in a chiding tone. They're going straight east, to Seattle. No where near Port Angeles. She showed me the proof in her visions.
I pretended I hadn't heard that. My excuses were already flimsy enough.
Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie had boosted for me - last year, when she was in a better mood - was soothing. It was a relief to be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew away under my tires.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 23:00
9. Port Angeles
"Port Angeles," Bella read.
It was too bright for me to drive into town when I got to Port Angeles; the sun was still too high overhead, and, though my windows were tinted dark, there was no reason to take unnecessary risks. More unnecessary risks, I should say.
I was certain I would be able to find Jessica's thoughts from a distance - Jessica's thoughts were louder than Angela's, but once I found the first, I'd be able to hear the second. Then, when the shadows lengthened, I could get closer. For now, I pulled off the road onto an overgrown driveway just outside the town that appeared to be infrequently used.
I knew the general direction to search in - there was really only one place for dress shopping in Port Angeles. It wasn't long before I found Jessica, spinning in front of a three way mirror, and I could see Bella in her peripheral vision, appraising the long black dress she wore.
Bella still looks pissed. Ha ha. Angela was right - Tyler was full of it.
"What is that about?" Bella asked raising an eyebrow.
I can't believe she's so upset about it, though. At least she knows she has a back up date for the prom. What if Mike doesn't have fun at the dance, and he doesn't ask me out again? What if he asks Bella to the prom? Would she have asked Mike to the dance if I hadn't said anything? Does he think she's prettier than me? Does she think she's prettier than me?
"I would really appreciate it if you'd stop listening to her mind now, Edward," Jacob said, annoyed by all the pointless drama Jessica was thinking about.
"I think I like the blue one better. It really brings out your eyes."
Jessica smiled at Bella with false warmth, while eyeing her suspiciously.
Does she really think that? Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday?
Bella rolled her eyes, she wouldn't ever think that.
"She seems to know you well," Jacob said sarcastically.
I was already tired of listening to Jessica. I searched close by for Angela - ah, but Angela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head to give her some privacy.
Well, there wasn't much trouble Bella could get into in a department store. I'd let them shop and then catch up with them when they were done.
"Not a very good lookout then, are you?" Jacob chuckled, "you should always keep an eye on her."
It wouldn't be long until it was dark - the clouds were beginning to return, drifting in from the west. I could only catch glimpses of them through the thick trees, but I could see how they would hurry the sunset. I welcomed them, craved them more than I had ever yearned for their shadows before. Tomorrow I could sit beside Bella in school again, monopolize her attention at lunch again. I could ask her all the questions I'd been saving up...
So, she was furious about Tyler's presumption. I'd seen that in his head - that he'd meant it literally when he'd spoken of the prom, that he was staking a claim.
"So he's telling everyone that we're going to prom together," Bella said, angrily. She glared at the book when she started reading next.
I pictured her expression from that other afternoon - the outraged disbelief - and I laughed. I wondered what she would say to him about this. I wouldn't want to miss her reaction.
"Of course you wouldn't," Bella grumbled.
"It does sound intriguing," Jacob chuckled.
The time went slowly while I waited for the shadows to lengthen. I checked in periodically with Jessica; her mental voice was the easiest to find, but I didn't like to linger there long. I saw the place they were planning to eat. It would be dark by dinner time...maybe I would coincidentally choose the same restaurant. I touched the phone in my pocket, thinking of inviting Alice out to eat... She would love that, but she would also want to talk to Bella. I wasn't sure if I was ready to have Bella more involved with my world. Wasn't one vampire trouble enough?
"No, I think I might like to meet Alice," Bella said.
I checked in routinely with Jessica again. She was thinking about her jewelry, asking Angela's opinion.
"Maybe I should take the necklace back. I've got one at home that would probably work, and I spent more than I was supposed to..." My mom is going to freak out. What was I thinking?
"Boring," Jacob grumbled.
"I don't mind going back to the store. Do you think Bella will be looking for us, though?"
"Looking for us... where are you?" Jacob asked. Bella just looked at him for a few seconds until he smiled sheepishly at her, "Right... you don't know."
What was this? Bella wasn't with them? I stared through Jessica's eyes first, then switched to Angela's. They were on the sidewalk in front of a line of shops, just turning back the other way. Bella was nowhere in sight.
Oh, who cares about Bella?
"Well you should if you took her with you," Jacob grumbled and he was starting to get a little worried.
Jess thought impatiently, before answering Angela's question. "She's fine. We'll get to the restaurant in plenty of time, even if we go back. Anyway, I think she wanted to be alone." I got a brief glimpse of the bookshop Jessica thought Bella had gone to.
"Oh," Bella said, it made sense that she would want to go to a bookshop and she would definitely want to be alone if that was where she was going.
"Let's hurry, then," Angela said. I hope Bella doesn't think we ditched her. She was so nice to me in the car before... She's really a sweet person. But she's seemed kind of blue all day. I wonder if it's because of Edward Cullen? I'll bet that was why she was asking about his family...
"Aw... you're obsessing about Edward," Jacob teased, trying to not get too worried.
I should have been paying better attention. What all had I missed here? Bella was off wandering by herself, and she'd been asking about me before? Angela was paying attention to Jessica now - Jessica was babbling about that idiot Mike - and I could get nothing more from her.
I judged the shadows. The sun would be behind the clouds soon enough. If I stayed on the west side of the road, where the buildings would shade the street from the fading light...
I started to feel anxious as I drove through the sparse traffic into the center of the town. This wasn't something I had considered - Bella taking off on her own - and I had no idea how to find her. I should have considered it.
"You would think he could just roll down a window and sniff you out," Jacob said.
"That sounds ridiculous," Bella shook her head.
I knew Port Angeles well; I drove straight to the bookstore in Jessica's head, hoping my search would be short, but doubting it would be so easy. When did Bella ever make it easy?
Jacob chuckled at that and Bella rolled her eyes.
Sure enough, the little shop was empty except for the anachronistically dressed woman behind the counter. This didn't look like the kind of place Bella would be interested in - too new age for a practical person. I wondered if she'd even bothered to go in?
"Probably not," Bella said, what he had described stated clearly that wasn't a place that she would want to see.
There was a patch of shade I could park in... It made a dark pathway right up to the overhang of the shop. I really shouldn't. Wandering around in the sunlight hours was not safe. What if a passing car threw the sun's reflection into the shade at just the wrong moment?
But I didn't know how else to look for Bella!
I parked and got out, keeping to the deepest side of the shadow. I strode quickly into the store, noting the faint trace of Bella's scent in the air. She had been here, on the sidewalk, but there was no hint of her fragrance inside the shop.
"See... he is trying to sniff you out," Jacob said looking pleased.
"But it looks like the sun is going to keep him from doing a thorough job of it," Bella said.
"Welcome! Can I help - " the saleswoman began to say, but I was already out the door.
I followed Bella's scent as far as the shade would allow, stopping when I got to the edge of the sunlight. How powerless it made me feel - fenced in by the line between dark and light that stretched across the sidewalk in front of me. So limited.
I could only guess that she'd continued across the street, heading south. There wasn't really much in that direction. Was she lost? Well, that possibility didn't sound entirely out of character.
"I don't like this," Jacob said, Edward was right, there really wasn't anything in that direction and the thought of Bella wandering around alone wasn't pleasant. He shook his head then; no, he was just letting Edward's panic get to him... Bella was fine.
I got back in the car and drove slowly through the streets, looking for her. I stepped out into a few other patches of shadow, but I only caught her scent once more, and the direction of it confused me. Where was she trying to go?
I drove back and forth between the bookstore and the restaurant a few times, hoping to see her on her way. Jessica and Angela were already there, trying to decide whether to order, or to wait for Bella. Jessica was pushing for ordering immediately.
"Bitch," Jacob said and then he mumbled, "Can't even wait for you."
I began flitting through the minds of strangers, looking through their eyes. Surely, someone must have seen her somewhere.
I got more and more anxious the longer she remained missing. I hadn't considered before how difficult she might prove to find once, like now, she was out of my sight and off her normal paths. I didn't like it.
"Yeah, maybe you should LoJack her or something," Jacob chuckled, but wouldn't have been surprised at this point if Edward did something like this.
The clouds were massing on the horizon, and, in a few more minutes, I would be free to track her on foot. It wouldn't take me long then. It was only the sun that made me so helpless now. Just few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine again and it would be the human world that was powerless.
Jacob grimaced at this, but not because of the thought that Edward thought that the human world would be powerless to him, but because he was sure the fact that Edward couldn't do anything at the moment wasn't good.
Another mind, and another. So many trivial thoughts.
...think the baby has another ear infection...
Was it six-four-oh or six-oh-four...?
Late again. I ought to tell him...
Here she comes! Aha!
There, at last, was her face. Finally, someone had noticed her!
Both Bella and Jacob shivered uncontrollably.
The relief lasted for only a fraction of a second, and then I read more fully the thoughts of the man who was gloating over her face in the shadows.
His mind was a stranger to me, and yet, not totally unfamiliar. I had once hunted exactly such minds.
There was more shivering at that.
"Get over there!" Jacob shouted.
"NO!" I roared, and a volley of snarls erupted from my throat. My foot shoved the gas pedal to the floor, but where was I going?
"Dammit... how could you not know where she is at a time like this!" Jacob shouted again, angry at Edward for letting his guard down for even a second.
I knew the general location of his thoughts, but the knowledge was not specific enough. Something, there had to be something - a street sign, a store front, something in his sight that would give away his location. But Bella was deep in shadow, and his eyes were focused only on her frightened expression - enjoying the fear there.
Bella voice quivered when she read that.
Her face was blurred in his mind by the memory of other faces. Bella was not his first victim.
"Dammit," Jacob repeated, and was thinking fiercely for Edward to hurry up and get to Bella already.
The sound of my growls shook the frame of the car, but did not distract me.
There were no windows in the wall behind her. Somewhere industrial, away from the more populated shopping district. My car squealed around a corner, swerving past another vehicle, heading in what I hoped was the right direction. By the time the other driver honked, the sound was far behind me.
Look at her shaking! The man chuckled in anticipation. The fear was the draw for him - the part he enjoyed.
"Sick bastard," Jacob hissed, balling his fist.
"Stay away from me." Her voice was low and steady, not a scream.
"Why aren't you screaming?" Jacob asked but Bella couldn't answer that. All she could do was keep reading.
"Don't be like that, sugar."
He watched her flinch to a rowdy laugh that came from another direction. He was irritated with the noise - Shut up, Jeff! He thought - but he enjoyed the way she cringed.
It excited him. He began to imagine her pleas, the way she would beg...
Bella was reading this in a voice that seemed to be distant. She was terrified... she didn't like this one bit... she knew her book self would feel hopeless and wouldn't have any way out of this... However she herself, knew that Edward was going to save her. It gave her the courage to keep reading.
Jacob on the other hand just kept on getting angrier and more anxious the longer this guy was mentioned and Edward still hadn't shown up. Stupid freaking bloodsucker, he kept thinking in his head, get there already.
I hadn't realized that there were others with him until I'd heard the loud laughter.
I scanned out from him, desperate for something that I could use. He was taking the first step in her direction, flexing his hands.
The minds around him were not the cesspool that his was. They were all slightly intoxicated, not one of them realizing how far the man they called Lonnie planned to go with this. They were following Lonnie's lead blindly. He'd promised them a little fun...
"And that makes it okay!" Jacob shouted and Bella flinched. Jacob started taking deep breaths... it would be easier for him just to shout out, but he noticed how tense Bella was and knew that he had to try and control his anger. But really... harassing a girl like that! How is that freakin' fun?
One of them glanced down the street, nervous - he didn't want to get caught harassing the girl - and gave me what I needed. I recognized the cross street he stared toward.
"Good," Jacob said gritting his teeth. "Hurry."
I flew under a red light, sliding through a space just wide enough between two cars in the moving traffic. Horns blared behind me.
"Don't crash," Bella was able to mumble her voice was weak compared to when she was reading. It seem like she was able to detach her emotions as she read.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I ignored it.
Lonnie moved slowly toward the girl, drawing out the suspense - the moment of terror that aroused him.
Sick perverted bastard, Jacob thought to himself, anger welling up in him.
He waited for her scream, preparing to savor it.
But Bella locked her jaw and braced herself. He was surprised - he'd expected her to try to run.
Bella let out a groan there, showing a bit of the terror she was trying to keep under control... which was made easier with her belief that Edward would save her. However, knowing that the fact that she couldn't run without falling made her curse her own clumsiness.
Surprised and slightly disappointed. He liked to chase his prey down, the adrenaline of the hunt.
Brave, this one. Maybe better, I guess...more fight in her.
Jacob growled at that.
I was a block away. The monster could hear the roar of my engine now, but he paid it no attention, too intent on his victim.
I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey. I would see what he thought of my style of hunting.
Jacob didn't think about that comment at all... he didn't care what Edward had just thought because at the moment he was thinking something similar (though perhaps not how Edward had meant it).
In another compartment of my head, I was already sorting through the range of tortures I'd born witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them.
He would suffer for this. He would writhe in agony. The others would merely die for their part, but the monster named Lonnie would beg for death long before I would give him that gift.
Bella frowned at that... she didn't want that. Jail, a life time imprisonment, something along those lines... but she didn't want Edward to kill them... because of her.
He was in the road, crossing toward her.
I spun sharply around the corner, my headlights washing across the scene and freezing the rest of them in place. I could have run down the leader, who leapt out of the way, but that was too easy a death for him.
I let the car spin out, swinging all the way around so that I was facing back the way I'd come and the passenger door was closest to Bella. I threw that open, and she was already running toward the car.
"Get in," I snarled.
What the hell?
Knew this was a bad idea! She's not alone.
Should I run?
Think I'm going to throw up...
Bella grimaced at these thoughts, wondering if Edward was really going to kill them. They had seemed so normal... and yet what they would have done to her... She shivered at that thought.
"Are you okay?" Jacob asked, his face was stony at the moment, but it was clear that he was relieved that Bella, book Bella that is, was safe now.
"It's hard reading this," Bella said.
"Do you wa...?" Jacob started to ask.
Bella shook her head, "I'll read... anyway, it's thinking about it..."
"Yeah," Jacob agreed as the both shuddered.
Bella jumped through the open door without hesitating, pulling the door shut behind her.
And then she looked up at me with the most trustful expression I had ever seen on a human face, and all my violent plans crumbled.
Bella was a little relieved by that.
It took much, much less than a second for me to see that I could not leave her in the car in order to deal with the four men in the street.
"Argh... obviously you can't do that," Jacob said thinking about what that would look like and cringing at the idea. Then he cringed inwardly at the fact that he didn't really care at the moment if Edward did rip these guys... not just the sick bastard... apart limb from limb. Then he thought of what the bloodlust might do to Edward if that did happen... and how much more dangerous he would be to Bella then... No, Edward had to leave those guys alone.
What would I tell her, not to watch? Ha! When did she ever do what I asked? When did she ever do the safe thing? Would I drag them away, out of her sight, and leave her alone here? It was a long shot that another dangerous human would be prowling the streets of Port Angeles tonight, but it was a long shot that there was even the first! Like a magnet, she drew all things dangerous toward herself.
Bella felt a pang of annoyance at that sentence, but with all the other emotions she was feeling it barely registered to her.
I could not let her out of my sight.
It would feel like part of the same motion to her as I accelerated, taking her away from her pursuers so quickly that they gaped after my car with uncomprehending expressions. She would not recognize my instant of hesitation. She would assume the plan was escape from the beginning.
I couldn't even hit him with my car. That would frighten her.
I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it rang in my ears and clouded my sight and was a flavor on my tongue. My muscles were coiled with the urgency, the craving, the necessity of it. I had to kill him. I would peel him slowly apart, piece by piece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone...
Bella shuddered at that image and Jacob looked a little sick by it, too.
Except that the girl - the only girl in the world - was clinging to her seat with both hands, staring at me, her eyes still wide and utterly trusting. Vengeance would have to wait.
"Put on your seatbelt," I ordered. My voice was rough with the hate and bloodlust. Not the usual bloodlust. I would not sully myself by taking any part of that man inside me.
She locked the seatbelt into place, jumping slightly at the sound it made. That little sound made her jump, yet she did not flinch as I tore through the town, ignoring all traffic guides.
Bella found that sentence odd, or at least the part of her brain that was listening to her own reading, found it odd. She hated it when he'd mentioned driving fast, but of course at the moment she must have had more important things on her mind.
I could feel her eyes on me. She seemed oddly relaxed. It didn't make sense to me - not with what she'd just been through.
"Why are you so relaxed?" Jacob asked, and he noticed that she seemed that way now too. If he had been reading that about himself, he would have been panicking by now.
"I'm good with compartmentalizing things like this," Bella said.
"How many times have you been through something like this?" Jacob exclaimed.
"Relax, Jake," Bella said, "I just meant bad situations... nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Plus... Edward is there... I think that must be making me feel safer."
"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice rough with stress and fear.
"Shouldn't he be asking you that?" Jacob said, trying to force himself to regain his calm.
"I suppose," Bella shrugged. "But you have to admit that Edward at this moment wouldn't look okay."
She wanted to know if I was okay?
I thought about her question for a fraction of a second. Not long enough for her to notice the hesitation. Was I okay?
"No," I realized, and my tone seethed with rage.
I took her to the same unused drive where I'd spent the afternoon engaged in the poorest surveillance ever kept. It was black now under the trees.
I was so furious that my body froze in place there, utterly motionless. My icelocked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that his body could never be identified....
But that would entail leaving her here alone, unprotected in the dark night.
"Don't go," Bella said, she wanted him to stay and she didn't what him to kill that guy.
"Bella?" I asked through my teeth.
"Yes?" she responded huskily. She cleared her throat.
"Are you all right?" That was really the most important thing, the first priority.
Retribution was secondary. I knew that, but my body was so filled with rage that it was hard to think.
"Yes." Her voice was still thick - with fear, no doubt.
And so I could not leave her.
Even if she wasn't at constant risk for some infuriating reason - some joke the universe was playing on me - even if I could be sure that she would be perfectly safe in my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.
She must be so frightened.
"Well, of course she is... she was nearly attacked and..." Jacob started hissing and trailed off at the end with a shudder.
Yet I was in no condition to comfort her - even if I knew exactly how that was to be accomplished, which I did not.
"You are comforting me," Bella said. "Just by being there."
"Wow, that was cheesy," Jacob teased her and Bella rolled her eyes.
Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me, surely that much was obvious. I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lust for slaughter boiling inside me.
I needed to think about something else.
"Distract me, please," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, what?"
I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed.
"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," I instructed, my jaw still locked.
"Just prattle about something... that's kind of rude to say," Jacob said.
"Jake, he..." Bella started, staring at him oddly.
"I'm trying to calm down here too," Jacob shrugged. "I usually do that by joking around..."
"Right, sorry," Bella said. "That just wasn't a very good joke."
"I'll try better next time," Jacob shrugged.
Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car. I could hear the man's thoughts, his disappointment and anger... I knew where to find him... I closed my eyes, wishing that I couldn't see anyway...
"Um..." She hesitated - trying to make sense of my request, I imagined. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?"
Jacob started laughing at that, albeit it was a weak laugh, but still.
"Why would you do that?" Jacob said, but Bella didn't answer.
She said this like it was a question.
Yes - this was what I needed. Of course Bella would come up with something unexpected. Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was hilarious - so comical it was jarring.
"I can cause violence," Bella mumbled.
"Sure you can," Jacob said laughing.
Bella glared at him, which only seemed to make Jacob laugh more.
If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I would have laughed.
"Why?" I barked out, to force her to speak again.
"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," she said,
"Jerk," Bella hissed at the book. "How can he tell people that... he didn't even ask me."
"Don't know," Jacob shrugged, still laughing.
her voice filled with her tiger-kitten outrage.
More laughter at that from Jacob and Bella glared at the book. However, she did note that this talk had definitely helped both her and Jacob relax a little after what had just happened. Her glare loosened as she thought of that and her tone was lighter when she started reading again.
"Either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last...well you remember it," she inserted dryly, "and he thinks prom is somehow the correct way to do this. So I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends.
"That's not why he's asking you out," Jacob laughed.
I don't need enemies and maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone.
Bella groaned at that, even madder at this Tyler guy.
I might have to total his Sentra, though," she went on, thoughtful now. "If he doesn't have a ride he can't take anyone to prom..."
It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler's persistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn't seem to understand the appeal she held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had for me, either?
Bella blushed at the idea that she appealed to the other guys at school, but that wasn't anything to the blush she had at the mention of her appeal for Edward.
Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing.
I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond vengeance and torture...
"I heard about that," I told her. She had stopped talking, and I needed her to continue.
"You did?" she asked incredulously. And then her voice was angrier than before.
"If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom either."
"What's the matter, Bells, don't you like that Edward knows about this?" Jacob chuckled and she glared at him.
I wished there was some way I could ask her to continue with the threats of death and bodily harm without sounding insane. She couldn't have picked a better way to calm me. And her words - just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole - were a reminder I dearly needed in this moment.
I sighed, and opened my eyes.
"Better?" she asked timidly.
"Not really."
No, I was calmer, but not better. Because I'd just realized that I could not kill the monster named Lonnie,
"I guess that's right," Jacob said, he had calmed down quite a lot by this point.
and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.
The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn't have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight - no matter how defensible such a thing might be.
Bella deserved better than a killer.
Bella smiled at this, it was rather intoxicating to know that she had this kind of power over him. Though she didn't think of him as a killer, it was still nice to know that he was trying to be better for her.
I'd spent seven decades trying to be something other than that - anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me.
Bella narrowed her eyes at this point, not agreeing with him at all.
And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life - the life of a killer - for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood - even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes - wouldn't she sense the difference?
"That depends," Bella said.
"On?" Jacob encouraged her to continue her thought.
"On whether he acts differently or not," Bella said. "If he starts acting even more moody than he already is, it would be hard to miss."
"Would you forgive him... if he did kill this guy?" Jacob asked.
"I don't think he's the monster that he seems to think he is," Bella said in a way to answer.
"That's not an answer," Jacob said.
"I don't want him to kill him," Bella said, "but it wouldn't change the way I think of him."
I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her...she still made my mouth water.
Jacob shivered at that, a little afraid how he would react to this in his maddened state, but he wasn't too worried.
"How does my scent make it so he doesn't deserve me?" Bella said a little angrily.
I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay.
"It really is a wonder why you would be confused by this guy at all," Jacob chuckled. "He's not conflicted at all."
"But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those..." Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."
"Oh."
She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.
"Why would you be screaming?" Jacob asked.
"Because he admitted that he wanted to hunt those people down," Bella said after a moment's thought. "I think. You know because most humans wouldn't say something like that."
"Yeah, right," Jacob said angrily. "I wouldn't mind hunting those bastards down."
"Then maybe it was something else," Bella shrugged.
It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be.
What I couldn't be.
"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."
Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?
"The latter," Bella answered, she was sure that she wanted him around right about now... and that it might be his presence that was keeping her so calm at the moment.
I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him...
If it was impossible - if I could never have nor deserve this girl - then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much...
"Don't," Bella said, she didn't want him to do that and then give up on her...
No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.
We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.
"That would not be good," Jacob tensed, he thoughts going to the sick bastard.
"No... it wouldn't," Bella shivered.
It was not a good night for them to be wandering -
"How did you know where...?" Bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and I realized that I had made yet another gaffe. I'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.
But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.
What did that mean?
"I don't know," Bella said, she was questioning her reaction just as much as Edward had.
Jacob started chuckling at her expression.
"So I guess that's the face that you make when you're annoyed that Edward can't just read your mind so you would know what your book self was thinking," Jacob said laughing harder as Bella stuck her tongue out at him.
Well, I didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. I opened my door.
"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.
Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order. "I'm taking you to dinner."
Bella smiled at that. Dinner... with Edward!
Well this should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely when I'd imagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and her friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl. Only it didn't count, because I wasn't giving her a chance to say no.
"I suppose he really can't give you a choice right now," Jacob grimaced.
"It doesn't really matter... I would choose to stay with him anyway," Bella shrugged.
She already had her door half open before I'd walked around the car - it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed - instead of waiting for me to get it for her. Was this because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady, or because she didn't think of me as a gentleman?
Bella rolled her eyes at this, chuckling. "I've never had my door opened by someone else before."
"Yeah... who still does that?" Jacob chuckled too.
"I suppose I'll have to remember that he likes doing things like that," Bella mumbled to herself.
I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in toward the dark corner.
"Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," I ordered quickly. "I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again." No, I would not be strong enough for that.
She shuddered, and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step after them, calling, "Jess! Angela!" in a loud voice. They turned, and she waved her arm over her head to catch their attention.
Bella! Oh, she's safe! Angela thought with relief.
Late much? Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bella wasn't lost or hurt. This made me like her a little more than I had.
"Just a tiny bit," Jacob mumbled, but he still didn't care much about this shallow girl.
They hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.
Uh-uh! Jess thought, stunned. No freaking way!
"It's like he's some kind of movie star or something," Jacob rolled his eyes and Bella chuckled at that.
Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why would she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here... I got a brief flash of Bella's mortified expression when she'd asked Angela if my family was often absent from school. No, she couldn't have known, Angela decided.
Jessica's thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. Bella's been holding out on me.
It was Bella's turn to roll her eyes and Jacob's to chuckle.
"Where have you been?" she demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
"I got lost. And then I ran into Edward," Bella said, waving one hand toward me.
Her tone was remarkably normal. Like that was truly all that had happened.
"How can you do that?" Jacob shook his head and Bella just shrugged.
She must be in shock. That was the only explanation for her calm.
"Would it be all right if I joined you?" I asked - to be polite; I knew that they'd already eaten.
Holy crap but he's hot! Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.
Bella narrowed her eyes at that; not liking the thought at all.
Angela wasn't much more composed. Wish we hadn't eaten. Wow. Just. Wow.
Now why couldn't I do that to Bella?
"How do you know you're not doing that to Bella?" Jacob asked laughing as Bella blushed.
"Er...sure," Jessica agreed.
Angela frowned. "Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting," she admitted. "Sorry."
What? Shut up! Jess complained internally.
Jacob chuckled at that, "Yeah... who asked you to be honest?"
Bella shrugged casually. So at ease. Definitely in shock. "That's fine - I'm not hungry."
"I think you should eat something," I disagreed. She needed sugar in her bloodstream - though it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly. The horror was going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn't help.
Bella wasn't sure if the horror was going to crash down on her, but it didn't really matter, she wanted Edward to stay near her.
She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience.
"Only when blood's involved," Bella said indignantly.
These girls wouldn't be in any danger if they went straight home. Danger didn't stalk their every step.
And I'd rather be alone with Bella - as long as she was willing to be alone with me.
"Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight?" I said to Jessica before Bella could respond. "That way you won't have to wait while she eats."
"Uh, no problem, I guess..." Jessica stared intently at Bella, looking for some sign that this was what she wanted.
I want to stay...but she probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn't? Jess thought. At the same time, she watched Bella wink.
Bella winked?
"Oh my God... Bella winked!" Jacob boomed out laughing. "Whatever could that mean?"
"Shut up," Bella mumbled weakly as she had turned bright red.
"Okay," Angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was what Bella wanted. And it seemed that she did want that. "See you tomorrow, Bella...Edward." She struggled to say my name in a casual tone. Then she grabbed Jessica's hand and began towing her away.
I would have to find some way to thank Angela for this.
"That would be nice," Bella said, thinking that she owed this girl, too.
Jessica's car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp.
Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they were in the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger she'd been in.
Bella rolled her eyes... of course she was aware of the danger.
Jessica waved as she drove away, and Bella waved back. It wasn't until the car disappeared that she took a deep breath and turned to look up at me.
"Honestly, I'm not hungry," she said.
"Why did you wait so long to say that then?" Jacob questioned.
"Because I wanted to be with Edward," Bella rolled her eyes like that should have been obvious.
Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? Did she truly want to be alone with me - even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?
Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.
"Humor me," I said.
I held the restaurant door open for her and waited.
She sighed, and walked through.
I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. Bella still seemed entirely self-possessed. I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check her temperature. But my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before.
Oh, my, the hostess's rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. My, oh my.
Bella was now glaring at the book, annoyed by this reaction of the hostess.
It seemed to be my night to turn heads. Or was I only noticing it more because I wished so much that Bella would see me this way? We were always attractive to our prey. I'd never thought so much about it before. Usually - unless, as with people like Shelly Cope and Jessica Stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horror - the fear kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction...
"A table for two?" I prompted when the hostess didn't speak.
"Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia." Mmm! What a voice! "Please follow me." Her thoughts were preoccupied - calculating.
Maybe she's his cousin. She couldn't be his sister, they don't look anything alike. But family, definitely. He can't be with her.
Bella grimaced at that, knowing that by all accounts the hostess should have been right, but still she was a bit smug by the fact that she was completely wrong.
"Jealous much," Jacob said. "She's just trying to build herself up by taking you down."
"Whatever," Bella shrugged before reading.
Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. How could this small minded woman find my physical lures - snares for prey - so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?
Bella was blushing at that.
Well, no need to help her out, just in case, the hostess thought as she led us to a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. Can I give him my number while she's there...? she mused.
Bella read that part angrily and Jacob chuckled.
I pulled a bill from my back pocket. People were invariably cooperative when money was involved.
Bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection. I shook my head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity.
"Sorry... I just have never seen anyone refuse a table before... except in movies," Bella said.
Yes, she would be very curious tonight. A crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation.
"Perhaps something more private?" I requested of the hostess, handing her the money. Her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed while her hand curled around the tip.
"Sure."
She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.
Fifty dollars for a better table?
"What?" Bella said. "That's crazy!"
"I wish I had money to burn like that," Jacob mused.
Rich, too. That makes sense - I bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with her?
She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would be able to see us - to see Bella's reactions to whatever I would tell her. I had no clue as to what she would want from me tonight. Or what I would give her.
How much had she guessed? What explanation of tonight's events had she told herself?
"How's this?" the hostess asked.
"Perfect," I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude toward Bella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth. Let her see me clearly.
Whoa. "Um...your server will be right out." He can't be real. I must be asleep. Maybe she'll disappear...maybe I'll write my number on his plate with ketchup...
"Why did he want her more entranced with him?" Bella muttered darkly.
"Actually... I think he was trying to scare her off," Jacob chuckled. "It didn't seem to have worked quite right."
She wandered away, listing slightly to the side.
Odd. She still wasn't frightened. I suddenly remembered Emmett teasing me in the cafeteria, so many weeks ago. I'll bet I could have scared her better than that.
Was I losing my edge?
"You really shouldn't do that to people," Bella interrupted my thoughts in a disapproving tone. "It's hardly fair."
I stared at her critical expression. What did she mean? I hadn't frightened the hostess at all, despite my intentions. "Do what?"
"Dazzle them like that - she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."
"Dazzle?" Jacob questioned with a raised eyebrow and then laughed when Bella blushed.
Hmm. Bella was very nearly right. The hostess was only semi-coherent at the moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.
"Oh, come on," Bella chided me when I didn't answer immediately. "You have to know the effect you have on people."
"I dazzle people?" That was an interesting way of phrasing it. Accurate enough for tonight. I wondered why the difference...
"Well obviously it has something to do with Bella," Jacob smirked. "Everything that's different with you is, after all, her fault."
"You haven't noticed?" she asked, still critical. "Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
"Do I dazzle you?" I voiced my curiosity impulsively, and then the words were out, and it was too late to recall them.
But before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered,
"Frequently." And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.
Bella was blushing a little there too, but mostly she was pleased that Edward might finally understand that she liked him too, so he could stop thinking so hard about not deserving her.
I dazzled her.
My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever remember having felt before.
"Hello," someone said, the waitress, introducing herself. Her thoughts were loud, and more explicit than the hostess's, but I tuned her out. I stared at Bella's face instead of listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin...
The waitress was waiting for something from me. Ah, she'd asked for our drink order. I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.
"I'll have a coke?" Bella said, as if asking for approval.
"Two cokes," I amended. Thirst - normal, human thirst - was a sign of shock. I would make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system.
She looked healthy, though. More than healthy. She looked radiant.
"What?" she demanded - wondering why I was staring, I guessed. I was vaguely aware that the waitress had left.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
She blinked, surprised by the question. "I'm fine."
"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold?"
She was even more confused now. "Should I?"
"Well, I actually I'm waiting for you to go into shock." I half-smiled, expecting her denial. She would not want to be taken care of.
It took her a minute to answer me. Her eyes were slightly unfocused. She looked that way sometimes, when I smiled at her. Was she...dazzled?
I would love to believe that.
Jacob chuckled then and Bella rolled her eyes.
"I don't think that will happen. I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things," she answered, a little breathless.
Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? Was her life always this hazardous?
Bella groaned at that; of course Edward would jump to that kind of conclusion.
"Just the same," I told her. "I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."
The waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread. She put them in front of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. I indicated that she should attend to Bella, and then went back to tuning her out. She had a vulgar mind.
"Hmph," Bella huffed in regards to the vulgar mind comment.
"Um..." Bella glanced quickly at the menu. "I'll have the mushroom ravioli."
The waitress turned back to me eagerly. "And you?"
"Nothing for me."
"He probably should have ordered something," Bella said, wondering if she had noticed his lack of appetite or not.
Bella made a slight face.
Well, that answered that question.
Hmm. She must have noticed that I never ate food. She noticed everything. And I always forgot to be careful around her.
I waited till we were alone again.
"Drink," I insisted.
I was surprised when she complied immediately and without objection. She drank until the glass was entirely empty, so I pushed the second coke toward her, frowning a little. Thirst, or shock?
She drank a little more, and then shuddered once.
"Are you cold?"
"It's just the coke," she said, but she shivered again, her lips trembling slightly as if her teeth were about to chatter.
"You call yourself a gentleman but you let her get cold like that... I'm so disappointed in you," Jacob chuckled.
The pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung to her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first. She was so frail, so mortal. "Don't you have a jacket?"
"Yes." She looked around herself, a little perplexed. "Oh - I left it in Jessica's car."
I pulled off my jacket, wishing that the gesture was not marred by my body temperature. It would have been nice to have been able to offer her a warm coat. She stared at me, her cheeks warming again. What was she thinking now?
I handed her the jacket across the table, and she put it on at once, and then shuddered again.
Yes, it would be very nice to be warm.
"Tough luck, man," Jacob chuckled.
"Shut up," Bella said, it was the thought that counted after all, besides the jacket was sure to warm her up soon enough.
"Thanks," she said. She took a deep breath, and then pushed the too-long sleeves back to free her hands. She took another deep breath.
Was the evening finally settling in? Her color was still good; her skin was cream and roses against the deep blue of her shirt.
"That color blue looks lovely with your skin," I complimented her. Just being honest.
Bella smiled, blushing slightly.
"Good with your skin!" Jacob repeated laughing. "That's a weird way of putting it."
"Shut up," Bella hissed at him, she didn't need his laughter at the moment.
She flushed, enhancing the effect.
She looked well, but there was no point in taking chances. I pushed the basket of bread toward her.
"Really," she objected, guessing my motives. "I'm not going into shock."
"You should be - a normal person would be. You don't even look shaken." I stared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldn't be normal and then wondering if really wanted her to be that way.
"No, you really don't," Jacob answered. "You don't like normal at all."
"I feel very safe with you," she said, her eyes, again, filled with trust. Trust I didn't deserve.
Her instincts were all wrong - backwards.
"There's nothing wrong with my instincts," Bella huffed.
"I'm not so sure about that," Jacob said. "Honestly, you should be scared of this guy... but whatever."
That must be the problem. She didn't recognize danger the way a human being should be able to. She had the opposite reaction. Instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her...
How could I protect her from myself when neither of us wanted that?
"This is more complicated than I'd planned," I murmured.
I could see her turning my words over in her head, and I wondered what she made of them. She took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action.
"Okay, you're killing me here," Jacob said. "I want to know what you're thinking already."
Bella just chuckled at that.
She chewed for a moment, and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully.
"Usually you're in a better mood when your eyes are so light," she said in a casual tone.
"I didn't expect that," Jacob said.
Her observation, stated so matter of factly, left me reeling. "What?"
"You're always crabbier when your eyes are black - I expect it then. I have a theory about that," she added lightly.
"What's your theory?" Jacob asked.
"Stop interrupting so much," Bella huffed at him.
"Sorry... I'm just so drawn into this," Jacob said, "I keep forgetting that you don't know anything."
So she had come up with her own explanation. Of course she had. I felt a deep sense of dread as I wondered how close she'd come to the truth.
"More theories?"
"Mm-hm." She chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant. As if she weren't discussing the aspects of a monster with the monster himself.
"Well, that's nice to know," Bella mumbled, liking the fact that she didn't act as nervous as she felt at the moment, knowing that she would have been a lot worse in the book.
"I hope you were more creative this time..." I lied when she didn't continue.
What I really hoped was that she was wrong - miles wide of the mark.
"I think that might be more off the mark," Jacob said. "Once he finds out that you accept him, he'll love that you know."
"Or are you still stealing from comic books?"
"Well, no, I didn't get it from a comic book," she said, a little embarrassed. "But I didn't come up with it on my own, either."
Jacob shivered at that uncontrollably.
"And?" I asked between my teeth.
Surely should would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream.
As she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with Bella's food. I paid the server little attention as she set the plate in front of Bella and then asked if I wanted anything.
I declined, but asked for more coke. The waitress hadn't noticed the empty glasses. She took them and left.
"You were saying?" I prompted anxiously as soon as we were alone again.
"I'll tell you about it in the car," she said in a low voice. Ah, this would be bad.
"Yeah, very bad," Jacob grumbled, feeling more foreboding than before.
She wasn't willing to speak her guesses around others. "If..." she tacked on suddenly.
"There are conditions?" I was so tense I almost growled the words.
"I do have a few questions, of course."
"Of course," I agreed, my voice hard.
Her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts were heading. But how would I answer them? With responsible lies? Or would I drive her away with truth? Or would I say nothing, unable to decide?
"The truth, please," Bella said.
"I don't think you get to choose," Jacob chuckled at her expression.
"Still, I think it's about time the truth was put out on the table," Bella said. "I want to see how he'll react once I know what he is."
We sat in silence while the waitress replenished her supply of soda.
"Well, go ahead," I said, jaw locked, when she was gone.
"Why are you in Port Angeles?"
"Well, somehow I don't think he's going to answer that question," Jacob chuckled. "You know, he can't really say 'I was stalking you'."
That was too easy a question - for her. It gave away nothing, while my answer, if truthful, would give away much too much. Let her reveal something first.
"That's not fair," Bella huffed. "I give away things all the time... you should tell me something for once."
"Next," I said.
"But that's the easiest one!'
"Next," I said again.
She was frustrated by my refusal. She looked away from me, down to her food.
Slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation. She washed it down with more coke, and then finally looked up at me. Her eyes were narrow with suspicion.
Jacob chuckled at this; he could so picture Bella doing that.
"Okay then," she said. "Let's say, hypothetically, of course, that...someone...could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know - with just a few exceptions."
"What?" Jacob said. "How the hell did you figure that one out?"
"I don't know," Bella shrugged. "Maybe when he was talking about Mike's thoughts and all."
"You really are perceptive," Jacob mumbled.
It could be worse.
"He's not shocked at all that you figured that out," Jacob muttered. "I thought it was shocking."
This explained that little half-smile in the car. She was quick - no one else had ever guessed this about me. Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in the beginning, when I'd answered all his thoughts as if he'd spoken them to me. He'd understood before I had...
Bella smiled at that; for some reason she found that image nice.
This question wasn't so bad. While it was clear that she knew that there was something wrong with me, was not as serious as it could have been. Mind-reading was, after all, not a facet of the vampire cannon. I went along with her hypothesis.
"Just one exception," I corrected. "Hypothetically."
She fought a smile - my vague honesty pleased her.
"Well, seeing as you're hardly ever honest with me, that's not hard to believe," Bella mumbled.
"All right, with one exception, then. How does that work? What are the limitations? How would...that someone...find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know that she was in trouble?"
"Hypothetically?"
"Sure." Her lips twitched, and her liquid brown eyes were eager.
"Well," I hesitated. "If...that someone..."
"Let's call him 'Joe,'" she suggested.
"Joe," Jacob laughed and Bella chuckled. "Why?"
"I always liked the name Joe," Bella shrugged.
I had to smile at her enthusiasm. Did she really think the truth would be a good thing? If my secrets were pleasant, why would I keep them from her?
"Joe, then," I agreed. "If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be quite so exact." I shook my head and repressed a shudder at the thought of how close I had been to being too late today. "Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know."
Jacob grimaced at this... that wasn't something to joke about. He also thought that it really wouldn't have been Bella who devastated the crime rate, but didn't say anything.
Her lips turned down at the corners, and pouted out. "We were speaking of a hypothetical case."
Jacob gave a weak smile at that.
I laughed at her irritation.
Her lips, her skin... They looked so soft. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to press my fingertip against the corner of her frown and turn it up. Impossible. My skin would be repellent to her.
"Yes, we were," I said, returning to the conversation before I could depress myself too thoroughly. "Shall we call you 'Jane'?"
"No... I don't like Jane," Bella said and Jacob chuckled at that.
She leaned across the table toward me, all humor and irritation gone from her wide eyes.
"How did you know?" she asked, her voice low and intense.
Should I tell her the truth? And, if so, what portion?
I wanted to tell her. I wanted to deserve the trust I could still see on her face.
"You can trust me, you know," she whispered, and she reached one hand forward as if to touch my hands where they rested on top of the empty table before me.
"Ha," Bella said, "I knew this whole touching aversion thing was all in his head."
I pulled them back - hating the thought of her reaction to my frigid stone skin - and she dropped her hand.
"If I'm reaching for you, I don't care about that," Bella said a little irritated at that.
I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets; she was entirely trustworthy, good to the core. But I couldn't trust her not to be horrified by them. She should be horrified. The truth was horror.
"But she's not normal, remember?" Jacob said.
"You want him to tell me, too," Bella said.
"You're right, I'm so over this part where he thinks how horrified you should be," Jacob said.
"I don't know if I have a choice anymore," I murmured. I remembered that I'd once teased her by calling her 'exceptionally unobservant.' Offended her, if I'd been judging her expressions correctly. Well, I could right that one injustice, at least. "I was wrong - you're much more observant than I gave you credit for." And, though she might not realize it, I'd given her plenty of credit already. She missed nothing.
Bella smiled at that.
"I thought you were always right," she said, smiling as she teased me.
Both Bella and Jacob laughed at that.
"He'll have to change that now," Jacob laughed even harder. "He's always right except when it comes to you."
"I used to be." I used to know what I was doing. I used to be always sure of my course. And now everything was chaos and tumult.
Yet I wouldn't trade it. I didn't want the life that made sense. Not if the chaos meant that I could be with Bella.
"I was wrong about you on one other thing as well," I went on, setting the record straight on another point. "You're not a magnet for accidents - that's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten mile radius, it will invariably find you."
"You didn't really need to set the record straight on that one," Bella groaned and Jacob chuckled at her reaction.
Why her? What had she done to deserve any of this?
Bella's face turned serious again. "And you put yourself into that category?"
Honesty was more important in regards to this question than any other.
"Unequivocally."
"What's the matter with saying yes?" Jacob rolled his eyes.
"It wouldn't be Edward," Bella shrugged with a smile.
Her eyes narrowed slightly - not suspicious now, but oddly concerned. She reached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately. I pulled my hands an inch away from her, but she ignored that, determined to touch me. I held my breath - not because of her scent now, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension. Fear. My skin would disgust her. She would run away.
Bella really hoped that this would be the last time she had to hear that.
She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of her gentle, willing touch was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure.
"Wow... look what a simple touch does to you," Jacob laughed as Bella blushed a little.
Would have been, except for my fear. I watched her face as she felt the cold stone of my skin, still unable to breathe.
A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips.
"Thank you," she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own. "That's twice now."
Her soft fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there.
I answered her as casually as I was able. "Let's not try for three, agreed?"
Jacob and Bella groaned at that; that just seemed to suggest something else was going to happen.
She grimaced at that, but nodded.
I pulled my hands out from under hers. As exquisite as her touch felt, I wasn't going to wait for the magic of her tolerance to pass, to turn to revulsion. I hid my hands under the table.
I read her eyes; though her mind was silent, I could perceive both trust and wonder there. I realized in that moment that I wanted to answer her questions. Not because I owed it to her. Not because I wanted her to trust me.
I wanted her to know me.
Bella really smiled when she read this. In some ways this had more of an effect on her than when he had said that he loved her, for now she could see that he really was trusting her... opening up to her. She really liked that.
"I followed you to Port Angeles," I told her, the words spilling out too quickly for me to edit them. I knew the danger of the truth, the risk I was taking. At any moment, her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics. Contrarily, knowing this only had me talking faster. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."
I watched her, waiting.
She smiled. Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed.
I'd just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.
"Weirdo," Jacob shook his head. "He's stalking you!"
"I know," Bella said.
"That doesn't creep you out at all?" Jacob questioned.
"Not when he's telling me the truth for the first time," Bella said.
"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?" she asked.
"Don't say that," Jacob shivered.
"Sorry," Bella sighed.
"That wasn't the first time," I said, staring down at the dark maroon table cloth, my shoulders bowed in shame. My barriers were down, the truth still spilling free recklessly. "Your number was up the first time I met you."
"He's going to tell you that?" Jacob said shook.
It was true, and it angered me. I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine. It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate, and - since I'd proved an unwilling tool - that same fate continued to try to execute her.
"Please move away from that thought," Jacob said.
"I'm sure the unwilling tool will save me from anything fate will try to throw at me," Bella shrugged.
I imagined the fate personified - a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.
I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for this - so that I would have something concrete to fight against. Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella could be safe.
Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.
I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for. Had I not just admitted how close I'd been to killing her? Closer than the van that had come within slim inches of crushing her. And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes still tightened only with concern.
"You remember?" She had to remember that.
"Yes," she said, her voice level and grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.
She knew. She knew that I had wanted to murder her.
"Did you really know that he was going to murder you?" Jacob asked. "I know you can't answer that... but I would really like to know the answer to this."
"I doubt my book self knows it like I know it," Bella said. "But I must have realized what the look meant."
Where were the screams?
"And yet here you sit," I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction.
"Yes, here I sit...because of you." Her expression altered, turned curious, as she unsubtly changed the subject. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today...?"
Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts, desperate to understand. It made no logical sense to me. How could she even care about the rest with that glaring truth on the table?
"Exactly," Jacob agreed.
"You know why..." Bella started to say.
"Your book self has no idea what he's thinking," Jacob putted out. "And yet you're sitting there, not caring at all that he just said that he thought about killing you."
"Yep," Bella shrugged and then laughed at the expression that Jacob was making now.
She waited, only curious. Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it still concerned me. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. If I continued to tell her too much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off.
I named my terms. "You eat, I'll talk."
She processed that for half a second, and then threw a bite in her mouth with a speed that belied her calm. She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on.
"Good," Bella said, that meant that her eyes had become better at hiding her emotions than they were now.
"It's harder than it should be - keeping track of you," I told her. "Usually I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before."
I watched her face carefully as I said this. Guessing right was one thing, having it confirmed was another.
She was motionless, her eyes wide. I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for her panic.
But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped another bite into her mouth. She wanted me to continue.
Jacob chuckled at the image.
"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," I went on, watching each word as it sank in.
"Not carefully - like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles - " I couldn't resist adding that. Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near death experiences, or did she think she was normal?
Bella gritted her teeth at that thought. Of course she knew this wasn't normal... she'd never been attacked before she got to Forks.
She was the furthest thing from normal I'd ever encountered. "And at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in, and that you'd gone south...and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street - to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried...but I was strangely anxious..." My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic. Her scent blazed in my throat and I was glad. It was a pain that meant she was alive. As long as I burned, she was safe.
"That's an interesting way of thinking of it," Jacob said. "And I guess I'm going to say that I hope that your throat always burns."
"I started to drive in circles, still...listening." I hoped the word made sense to her.
This had to be confusing. "The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, and follow you on foot. And then - "
"Hm... if you didn't already know that he was a vampire, I bet that sentence would have confused you," Jacob said.
"Yeah... I might have wondered why he had to wait for the sun to go down before he got out," Bella agreed, "but I'm not sure if I'm really paying attention to that part."
As the memory took me - perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment again - I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice.
I wanted him dead. I needed him dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.
"Then what?" she whispered, her dark eyes wide.
"I heard what they were thinking," I said through my teeth, unable to keep the words from coming out in a growl. "I saw your face in his mind."
I could hardly resist the urge to kill. I still knew precisely where to find him. His black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them...
I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a killer. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin - like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for this world. She needed a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.
"Honestly, I'm not any more fragile than all the other humans around me," Bella mumbled.
"I don't know about that," Jacob chuckled. "And add in the fact that everything comes after you... I can really see Edward's point."
I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand.
"It was very...hard - you can't imagine how hard - for me to simply take you away, and leave them...alive," I whispered. "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them."
"Okay... so now he's admitting to be a murderer... or at least having murderous thoughts," Jacob said. "You're going to take this just as calmly as the stalking thing, aren't you?"
"Probably," Bella shrugged. "Though the more he talks like this, the more I feel like I really do know what he is already."
"Yeah," Jacob groaned. "I know what you mean."
For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder. At least this one was defensible.
"Agreed," Jacob said.
She was quiet as I struggled to control myself. I listened to her heartbeat. The rhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again. Her breathing, too, was low and even.
I was too close to the edge. I needed to get her home before...
Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me?
Was there any way to stop myself?
She'd promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone. Did I want to hear it? I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not knowing?
"No," Bella said.
"Though I'm not so sure I can say the same thing," Jacob said, feeling more and more like he didn't want to know what her theory was.
At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night.
"Yeah right," Bella rolled her eyes; there were so many other things that she knew that her book self wanted to know about.
I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before, but composed.
"Are you ready to go home?" I asked.
"I'm ready to leave," she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple 'yes' did not fully express what she wanted to say.
Frustrating.
Jacob groaned and chuckled at that. "That's rich coming from him."
Bella chuckled at that too.
The waitress returned. She'd heard Bella's last statement as she'd dithered on the other side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she'd had in mind.
"How are we doing?" she asked me.
"We're ready for the check, thank you," I told her, my eyes on Bella.
The waitress's breathing spiked and she was momentarily - to use Bella's phrasing - dazzled by my voice.
Jacob chuckled at that and Bella rolled her eyes.
In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human's head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight - unmarred by the usual fear.
It was because of Bella. Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, to be human, I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control.
Bella was annoyed by this, why did he have to be more appealing to the others...
"Don't like that very much, do you?" Jacob chuckled at her reaction.
I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself. It was sort of humorous, now that I understood the reason.
"Sure," she stuttered. "Here you go."
She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card she'd slid in behind the receipt. A card with her name and telephone number on it.
Bella was now glaring at the book.
"That's ridiculous," Jacob said shaking his head. "He's obviously there with you... how cheesy is it to try and give the guy a number then?
Yes, it was rather funny.
"I wouldn't call it funny," Bella muttered darkly.
"I would... now," Jacob laughed.
I had money ready again. I gave the folder back at once, so she wouldn't waste any time waiting for a call that would never come.
"No change," I told her, hoping the size of the tip would assuage her disappointment.
I stood, and Bella quickly followed suit. I wanted to offer her my hand, but I thought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night. I thanked the waitress, my eyes never leaving Bella's face. Bella seemed to be finding something amusing, too.
"What?" Jacob said.
"I think you're wondering about that more than Edward is in this chapter," Bella smirked.
"Whatever," Jacob frowned.
We walked out; I walked as close beside her as I dared. Close enough that the warmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body.
As I held the door for her, she sighed quietly, and I wondered what regret made her sad. I stared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked at the ground, seeming embarrassed. It made me more curious, even as it made me reluctant to ask. The silence between us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car.
"Seriously, why are you upset?" Jacob groaned.
"I don't know," Bella said, curious this time too, but still laughing at Jacob's reaction.
I turned the heater on - the warmer weather had come to an abrupt end; the cold car must be uncomfortable for her. She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips.
I waited, postponing conversation until the lights of the boardwalk faded. It made me feel more alone with her.
Was that the right thing? Now that I was focused only on her, the car seemed very small. Her scent swirled through it with the current of the heater, building and strengthening. It grew into its own force, like another entity in the car. A presence that demanded recognition.
It had that; I burned. The burning was acceptable, though. It seemed strangely appropriate to me. I had been given so much tonight - more than I'd expected. And here she was, still willingly at my side. I owed something in return for that. A sacrifice. A burnt offering.
Bella rolled her eyes at that.
Now if I could just keep it to that; just burn, and nothing more. But the venom filled my mouth, and my muscles tensed in anticipation, as if I were hunting...
I had to keep such thoughts from my mind. And I knew what would distract me.
"Now," I said to her, fear of her response taking the edge off the burn. "It's your turn."
"That's the end of the chapter," Bella said.
"Well, that was another relaxing chapter," Jacob groaned. "And I'm sure I'm going to like the next one."
"Well, get on to reading it then," Bella said.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 23:15
10. Theory
"Theory," Jacob read.
"Can I ask just one more?" she entreated instead of answering my demand.
"No... I said it was my turn," Jacob said, laughing.
Bella rolled her eyes.
"But seriously, don't let her ask another question," Jacob said. "I want to know what she's thinking already."
This time Bella chuckled.
I was on edge, anxious for the worst. And yet, how tempting it was to prolong this moment. To have Bella with me, willingly, for just a few seconds longer. I sighed at the dilemma, and then said, "One."
"Hm... I don't know if one would be enough," Bella said, and Jacob groaned.
"You really are going to stretch this out, aren't you?" Jacob asked and Bella shrugged.
"Well..." she hesitated for a moment, as if deciding which question to voice.
"You said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you know that."
"Good question," Jacob chuckled. "I bet he's wishing that he didn't let you ask it now."
I glared out the windshield. Here was another question that revealed nothing on her part, and too much on mine.
"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," she said, her tone critical and disappointed.
How ironic. She was relentlessly evasive, without even trying.
"Well, it beats being purposefully evasive," Bella said defensively and Jacob laughed at that and the face she was making.
Well, she wanted me to be direct. And this conversation wasn't going anywhere good, regardless.
"Fine, then," I said. "I followed your scent."
Bella smiled because he answered honestly again.
I wanted to watch her face, but I was afraid of what I would see.
Jacob chuckled at that.
"Um... that wasn't really that funny," Bella said to him.
"Sorry... it just sounded so human," Jacob said and that got a smile out of Bella.
Instead, I listened to her breath accelerate and then stabilize. She spoke again after a moment, and her voice was steadier than I would have expected.
"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions..." she said.
"Ha... I knew you wouldn't stop at just one," Jacob said.
"Well at least this isn't a new one," Bella shrugged looking amused. "I must be thinking that I have to get answers out of him as long as he's being honest with me..." she added thoughtfully, and she was now frowning. It was sad that her book self really had no idea what Edward was thinking... or how much he really cared about her.
I looked down at her, frowning. She was stalling, too.
"Which one?"
"How does it work - the mind reading thing?" she asked, reiterating her question from the restaurant. "Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family...?" She trailed off, flushing again.
"I don't seem to recall you asking him all that," Jacob said and Bella shrugged, laughing again.
"That's more than one," I said.
She just looked at me, waiting for her answers.
And why not tell her? She'd already guessed most of this, and it was an easier subject that the one that loomed.
"But I want to know about the one that looms," Jacob grumbled. "Stupid bloodsucker allowing her to stall."
"No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's...'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." I tried to think of a way to describe it so that she would understand. An analogy that she could relate to. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum - a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear. Most of the time I tune it all out - it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal," - I grimaced - "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."
Bella smiled again, imagining Edward when he was first turned doing just that. For some reason... though she knew it wasn't right, she imagined Edward as a little boy. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that it was associated with him learning something as he would when taking his first steps or talking for the first time. She could also picture a vague image of Carlisle, Edward's father, helping him learn how to work though this.
"Um... what's so amusing about that?" Jacob questioned her when he noticed the look in her eyes.
"It's nothing," Bella shook her head and motioned for Jacob to keep reading.
"Why do you think you can't hear me?" she wondered.
I gave her another truth and another analogy.
"I don't know," I admitted. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM."
Bella frowned at that, it made her sound like a freak.
I realized that she would not like this analogy. The anticipation of her reaction had me smiling. She didn't disappoint.
Jacob started chuckling at that point; he could see quite clearly her reaction to that.
"My mind doesn't work right?" she asked, her voice rising with chagrin. "I'm a freak?"
Jacob laughed loudly at that. "That's right, I'm glad you finally agree with me."
"Shut up, Jake," Bella glared at him.
Ah, the irony again.
"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak." I laughed.
She understood all the small things, and yet the big ones she got backwards. Always the wrong instincts...
Bella huffed, more annoyed by that because of her slight embarrassment.
Bella was gnawing on her lip, and the crease between her eyes was etched deep.
"Don't worry," I reassured her. "It's just a theory..." And there was a more important theory to be discussed. I was anxious to get it over with. Each passing second was beginning to feel more and more like borrowed time.
"Then ask your question already," Bella said. "I really want you to get past this borrowed time thing."
"Which brings us back to you," I said, divided in two, both anxious and reluctant.
She sighed, still chewing her lip - I worried that she would hurt herself. She stared into my eyes, her face troubled.
"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" I asked quietly.
She looked down, struggling with some internal dilemma. Suddenly, she stiffened and her eyes flew wide open. Fear flashed across her face for the first time.
"What?" Jacob asked.
"You know if you just read the book, we probably would have known by now," Bella said to him.
"Whatever," Jacob mumbled sheepishly and started reading.
"Holy crow!" she gasped.
I panicked. What had she seen? How had I frightened her?
Then she shouted, "Slow down!"
"Oh," Jacob said, pure amusement in his voice, before both of them started laughing.
"What's wrong?" I didn't understand where her terror was coming from.
"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" she yelled at me.
Bella was about to comment, but she really didn't want Jacob to laugh at her again. But really... why did he have to go that fast?
She flashed a look out the window, and recoiled from the dark trees racing past us.
This little thing, just a bit of speed, had her shouting in fear?
I rolled my eyes. "Relax, Bella."
"Are you trying to kill us?" she demanded, her voice high and tight.
"We're not going to crash," I promised her.
She sucked in a sharp breath, and then spoke in a slightly more level tone. "Why are you in such a hurry?"
"I always drive like this."
"Well at least I know that's true," Bella said. "Hm... I don't know if I'm going to be riding in his car too much."
"If you look at Edward, I'm sure you wouldn't notice anything," Jacob said, and then chuckled. "You'll be dazzled by him..."
"Shut up," Bella blushed and Jacob laughed harder.
I met her gaze, amused by her shocked expression.
"Keep your eyes on the road!" she shouted.
Jacob and Bella laughed at this... for Bella thought that laughing was just easier to do at the moment than worry... Edward wouldn't let anything happen to her after all.
"I've never been in an accident, Bella. I've never even gotten a ticket." I grinned at her and touched my forehead. It made it even more comical - the absurdity of being able to joke with her about something so secret and strange. "Built in radar detector."
"Very funny," she said sarcastically, her voice more frightened than angry.
"Charlie's a cop, remember? I was raised to abide by traffic laws. Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away."
"And now he slows down," Jacob said. "Well, you seemed to know how to make him listen to you."
"Probably," I repeated, and then laughed without humor. Yes, we would fare quite differently in a car accident. She was right to be afraid, despite my driving abilities... "But you can't."
With a sigh, I let the car drift to a crawl. "Happy?"
She eyed the speedometer. "Almost."
Was this still too fast for her? "I hate driving slow," I muttered, but let the needle slide another notch down.
"This is slow?" she asked.
Jacob was laughing as he read this. "You really are afraid of the strangest things."
"Enough commentary on my driving," I said impatiently. How many times had she dodged my question now? Three times? Four? Were her speculations that horrific?
"No... they are just that true," Bella said, suddenly a little worried herself, "I hope he's doesn't freak out about this."
I had to know - immediately. "I'm still waiting for your latest theory."
She bit her lip again, and her expression became upset, almost pained.
I reigned in my impatience and softened my voice. I didn't want her to be distressed.
"I won't laugh," I promised, wishing that it was only embarrassment that made her unwilling to talk.
"Oh... I'm sure you won't," Jacob sighed, he was become tense again.
"I'm more afraid that you'll be angry with me," she whispered.
I forced my voice to stay even. "Is it that bad?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
She looked down, refusing to meet my eyes. The seconds passed.
"Go ahead," I encouraged.
Her voice was small. "I don't know how to start."
"Why don't you start at the beginning?" I remembered her words before dinner.
"You said you didn't come up with this on your own."
"No," she agreed, and then was silent again.
I thought about things that might have inspired her. "What got you started - book? A movie?"
I should have looked through her collections when she was out of the house. I had no idea if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice was there in her stack of worn paperbacks...
"Nope," Bella shook her head, she was pretty sure that she wouldn't have been able to figure out what Edward was by what she knew about vampires.
"No," she said again. "It was Saturday, at the beach."
Jacob groaned that; his first fear was confirmed and the second was sure to come true any second now.
I hadn't expected that. The local gossip about us had never strayed into anything too bizarre - or too precise. Was there a new rumor I'd missed? Bella peeked up from her hands and saw the surprise on my face.
"He knows what beach you were at... how could he not figure this out?" Jacob hissed, in a foul mood because of what he was sure was going to happen and he wanted it out there already.
"I ran into an old family friend - Jacob Black,"
Jacob sighed again, it was true then... great.
"I'm sorry," Bella said.
she went on. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby."
Jacob Black - the name was not familiar, and yet it reminded me of something...some time, long ago... I stared out of the windshield, flipping through memories to find the connection.
Again there was a tense, almost angry quality to Jacob's voice as he read this.
"His dad is one of the Quileute elders," she said.
Jacob Black. Ephraim Black. A descendant, no doubt.
"Who's Ephraim Black?" Bella questioned, really wanting to know the answer to that, but mostly asking because she hoped it would calm Jacob down a little.
"He was the chief of our tribe the last time the Cullens were here," Jacob said. "He's the one who made the treaty... the one I apparently broke when I told you about the vampires... Er... and I think I broke it too yesterday, when I told..."
"You didn't really break it," Bella shook her head. "Um... I mean, I don't really know what this treaty says, but if it had something to do with telling me about the Cullens you didn't really do that... well, not yesterday at least. I knew there was something wrong with them... and the number of times that the book said it... I was going to know anyway, you just helped me to understand sooner."
"Thanks," Jacob said. "But that doesn't seem to help me out in this book."
"Sorry," Bella said, but Jacob did look slightly better now.
It was as bad as it could get.
She knew the truth.
My mind was flying through the ramifications as the car flew around the dark curves in the road, my body rigid with anguish - motionless except for the small, automatic actions it took to steer the car.
She knew the truth.
"Yes, yes, I know the truth... now talk to me about it," Bella said and Jacob had to smile at her childish behavior since she rarely acted this way.
But...if she'd learned the truth Saturday...then she'd known it all evening long...and yet...
"We went for a walk," she went on. "And he was telling me about some old legends - trying to scare me, I think. He told me one..."
"I would not just tell you about these things," Jacob hissed, looking angry and Bella wasn't sure if he was angry at what her book self just said or if he was angry because he thought his book self would have said that.
"Um... We're not sure what happened on the beach," Bella said, hoping that would calm him down a bit... it didn't work.
She stopped short, but there was no need for her qualms now; I knew what she was going to say. The only mystery left was why she was here with me now.
"Go on," I said.
"About vampires," she breathed, the words less than a whisper.
Somehow, it was even worse than knowing that she knew, hearing her speak the word aloud. I flinched at the sound of it, and then controlled myself again.
"He didn't seem to mind calling himself a vampire," Bella mumbled to herself.
"And you immediately thought of me?" I asked.
"No. He...mentioned your family."
"Argh," Jacob groaned, how could he be so stupid?
How ironic that it would be Ephraim's own progeny that would violate the treaty he'd vowed to uphold. A grandson, or great-grandson perhaps. How many years had it been? Seventy?
I should have realized that it was not the old men who believed in the legends that would be the danger. Of course, the younger generation - those who would have been warned, but would have thought the ancient superstitions laughable - of course that was where the danger of exposure would lie.
Jacob was seething as he read this, feeling both guilty and angry about what his book self had done.
I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead...
"NO!" Bella said furious as Jacob looking angrily at the book; seeing how dangerous this slip really was.
"He just thought it was a silly superstition," Bella said suddenly, her voice edged with a new anxiety. "He didn't expect me to think anything of it."
"You must have realized how he was reacting to this," Jacob hissed in a tight, angry voice.
"He never would have hurt your family anyway," Bella said; she knew that was true, no matter how mad he was at the moment, he wouldn't do that.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her twist her hands uneasily.
"It was my fault," she said after a brief pause, and then she hung her head as if she were ashamed. "I forced him to tell me."
Jacob raised an eyebrow at that. Forced me, he thought, how could she force me?
"Why?" It wasn't so hard to keep my voice level now. The worst was already done. As long as we spoke of the details of the revelation, we didn't have to move on to the consequences of it.
"Lauren said something about you - she was trying to provoke me." She made a little face at the memory. I was slightly distracted, wondering how Bella would be provoked by someone talking about me... "And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different.
"Well, at least you're not the one that mentioned the Cullens," Bella said and Jacob felt slightly better about that.
So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him."
And now he looked completely hurt. That really didn't make him sound too good... nor did it sound like they were remotely friends.
Bella put her head in her hands, she felt horrible. How could she have done that to Jacob?
"I'm sorry," Bella said quietly.
"Whatever," Jacob said bitterly.
Her head dropped even lower as she admitted this, and her expression looked...guilty.
I looked away from her and laughed out loud. She felt guilty? What could she possibly have done to deserve censure of any kind?
"Tricked him how?" I asked.
"I tried to flirt - it worked better than I thought it would," she explained,
"You flirted with me," Jacob said, yeah that would do it. He couldn't lie, he definitely thought Bella was beautiful, and if she would be up for it, he would love to go out with her. But, that option clearly wasn't available to him, not with Edward. And that was okay, because he liked hanging out with Bella... it was nice being around her... Her friendship was enough.
Still, to hear that her book self had flirted with him, just so he would spill the beans about his family heritage... that wasn't nice at all. Nor was hearing her say she tricked him... like he was some kind of fool. Did she even like him? He wondered as he gave her a cold look.
Bella didn't say anything, she heard the hurt and anger in his voice, and she really hated herself at the moment. How could she play with a boy's affections so carelessly like that? She wanted to apologize again, but the words didn't come out. So she just sat there waiting for him to start reading again. The garage they were sitting in seemed to have gone cold as she waited for him to read...
and her voice turned incredulous at the memory of that success.
I could just imagine - considering the attraction she seemed to have for all things male, totally unconscious on her part - how overwhelming she would be when she tried to be attractive. I was suddenly full of pity for the unsuspecting boy she'd unleashed such a potent force on.
"Thanks," Jacob spat bitterly and Bella flinched. Was she really that attractive to guys?
"I'd like to have seen that," I said, and then I laughed again with the black humor.
I wished I could have heard the boy's reaction, witnessed the devastation for myself.
Jacob hissed at that.
"And you accused me of dazzling people - poor Jacob Black."
Jacob spat his words as he read and Bella just kept feeling worse.
I wasn't as angry with the source of my exposure as I would have expected to feel. He didn't know better. And how could I expect anyone to deny this girl what she wanted? No, I only felt sympathy for the damage she would have done to his peace of mind.
I felt her blush heat the air between us. I glanced at her, and she was staring out her window. She didn't speak again.
"What did you do then?" I prompted. Time to get back to the horror story.
"I did some research on the internet."
Bella let out a tiny sigh, knowing for sure they were done talking about Jacob now.
Jacob glared at her when she sighed and she tensed as her lip trembled.
"Do you even like me?" Jacob asked sharply at that point, he wasn't one to run away from conflict and he needed this question answered now.
Bella looked at him shocked and hurt that he had to ask that. "Of course I do."
Jacob sighed. "Then stop worrying about this... I'll get over it."
"I'm just... I'm sorry," Bella said. "I don't know why I would..."
"Trick me into telling you a secret that could have destroyed my tribe?" Jacob hissed then, he really didn't want her to try and explain herself to him.
Bella gasped and shook her head. "No... I couldn't have known the potential danger to your tribe..." she said this as if she was talking to herself. She wouldn't have done that, right?
"No, I suppose you wouldn't know about the treaty." Jacob said, "But still, it's just not like you to use someone like that. And it hurts that it was me that you tricked."
Bella swallowed. "I'm sorry... I don't know what else I can say about that..."
"Oh, Bella," Jacob groaned. "Of course you don't know what to say... we don't even know what was said on the beach... I'm sorry for blaming you... you really haven't done anything to me."
"But..." Bella said, but he cut her off shaking his head.
"Seriously, Bella, drop it," Jacob said. "We're cool now."
"Okay," Bella nodded her head sadly and Jacob rolled his eyes... she so wasn't going to just drop this, but whatever, he wasn't going to think about it anymore.
Ever practical. "And did that convince you?"
"No," she said. "Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then - "
She broke off again, and I heard her teeth lock together.
"What?" I demanded. What had she found? What had made sense of the nightmare for her?
Jacob chuckled there, it was a little forced, but it still sounded natural. "You really have this guy on the edge of his seat with all the suspense you're building here."
"I doubt I know what I'm doing," Bella said, her voice a little distant. She really didn't know what she was doing when it came to boys; which was clear enough by the way that she had handled Jacob.
There was a short pause, and then she whispered, "I decided it didn't matter."
Shock froze my thoughts for a half-second, and then it all fit together. Why she'd sent her friends away tonight rather than escape with them. Why she had gotten into my car with me again instead of running, screaming for the police...
Her reactions were always wrong - always completely wrong. She pulled danger toward herself. She invited it.
"Why is he taking that so badly?" Bella asked a little confused. "Is it bad that I've accepted him?"
"Um... I'm not sure," Jacob said thoughtfully. "You know this guy... he always reacts the wrong way," he laughed this time and so did Bella.
"I suppose two wrongs do make a right then," Bella chuckled.
"That's not how the saying goes," Jacob shook his head.
"It didn't matter?" I said through my teeth, anger filling me. How was I supposed to protect someone so...so...so determined to be unprotected?
"No," she said in a low voice that was inexplicably tender. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."
She was impossible.
"And so is he," Bella hissed.
"Doesn't make you stop liking him though, does it?" Jacob said.
"Nope," Bella admitted with a smile.
"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"
"No."
I started to wonder if she was entirely stable.
I supposed that I could arrange for her to receive the best care available...
"I am not crazy, Edward Cullen!" Bella yelled.
"You are yelling at a book right now... that might be considered a bit crazy," Jacob pointed out with barely concealed laughter.
"Shut up!" Bella hissed at him.
Carlisle would have the connections to find her the most skilled doctors, the most talented therapists. Perhaps something could be done to fix whatever it was that was wrong with her, whatever it was that made her content to sit beside a vampire with her heart beating calmly and steadily. I would watch over the facility, naturally, and visit as often as I was allowed...
"Well, then I wouldn't be cured you idiot, because the reason is that I like you!" Bella yelled again.
"Yep... not crazy at all," Jacob really laughed this time and she glared at him furiously. She might have been a fully grown house cat, instead of a kitten with that glare, Jacob mused, laughing harder.
"You're angry," she sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything."
As if her hiding these disturbing tendencies would help either of us.
"No. I'd rather know what you're thinking - even if what you're thinking is insane."
"So I'm wrong again?" she asked, a bit belligerent now.
"She didn't like it when you questioned her sanity, man," Jacob said laughing.
"That's not what I was referring to!" My teeth clenched together again. "'It doesn't matter'!" I repeated in a scathing tone.
She gasped. "I'm right?"
"Does it matter?" I countered.
She took a deep breath. I waited angrily for her answer.
"Not really," she said, her voice composed again. "But I am curious."
"Of course you are," Jacob said.
Not really. It didn't really matter. She didn't care. She knew I was inhuman, a monster, and this didn't really matter to her.
Aside from my worries about her sanity, I began to feel a swelling of hope. I tried to quash it.
"And I'm the insane one," Bella grumbled. "Setting aside his hopes..."
"What are you curious about?" I asked her. There were no secrets left, only minor details.
"How old are you?" she asked.
My answer was automatic and ingrained. "Seventeen."
"Liar," Jacob said.
"Hmm... I'm sure that's true... in a way," Bella shrugged.
"And how long have you been seventeen?"
I tried not to smile at the patronizing tone. "A while," I admitted.
"Okay," she said, abruptly enthusiastic. She smiled up at me. When I stared back, anxious again about her mental health, she smiled wider. I grimaced.
"Don't laugh," she warned. "But how can you come out during the daytime?"
"There's no chance he's not going to laugh at that," Jacob laughed, being caught off guard by that question.
I laughed despite her request. Her research had not netted her anything unusual, it seemed. "Myth," I told her.
"Burned by the sun?"
"Myth."
"Sleeping in coffins?"
"Myth."
Sleep had not been a part of my life for so long - not until these last few nights, as I'd watched Bella dreaming...
"I can't sleep," I murmured, answering her question more fully.
"That one is a little freaky," Bella admitted.
"I know," Jacob said. "What doesn't sleep?"
"Vampire," Bella answer immediately and Jacob rolled his eyes.
She was silent for a moment.
"At all?" she asked.
"Never," I breathed.
I stared into her eyes, wide under the thick fringe of lashes, and yearned for sleep.
Not for oblivion, as I had before, not to escape boredom, but because I wanted to dream.
"Poor vampire not being able to dream," Jacob said.
Maybe, if I could be unconscious, if I could dream, I could live for a few hours in a world where she and I could be together. She dreamed of me. I wanted to dream of her.
She stared back at me, her expression full of wonder. I had to look away.
I could not dream of her. She should not dream of me.
"You haven't asked me the most important question yet," I said, my silent chest colder and harder than before. She had to be forced to understand. At some point, she would have to realize what she was doing now. She must be made to see that this all did matter - more than any other consideration. Considerations like the fact that I loved her.
"Um... what question is he talking about?" Jacob asked and Bella shrugged.
"Which one is that?" she asked, surprised and unaware.
This only made my voice harder. "You aren't concerned about my diet?"
"Oh. That." She spoke in a quiet tone that I couldn't interpret.
"Yes, that. Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"
She cringed away from my question. Finally. She was understanding.
"Well, Jacob said something about that," she said.
Bella flinched at the mention of Jacob's name, but Jacob really was over that now. Or at least he wasn't going to waste energy on getting worked up about it again. "It looks like I told you about their vegetarian ways," he said.
"What did Jacob say?"
"He said you didn't...hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."
"That seems to be a bit nicer than what I would say," Jacob said.
"Really?" Bella questioned.
"Yeah... I mean before this I never really believed the legends, but still," Jacob said and then shrugged there. "They're bloodsuckers that we had an uneasy treaty with... I'm not about to say something nice about them."
"He said we weren't dangerous?" I repeated cynically.
"Not exactly," she clarified. "He said you weren't supposed to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land, just in case."
I stared at the road, my thoughts in a hopeless snarl, my throat aching with the familiar fiery thirst.
"So, was he right?" she asked, as calmly as if she were confirming a weather report. "About not hunting people?"
"The Quileutes have a long memory."
She nodded to herself, thinking hard.
"Don't let that make you complacent, though," I said quickly. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."
"Yes, they are," Jacob frowned, this book did prove that in a way. The vampires really did have a somewhat daily struggle to be able to be close to humans... and then if there was one that smelled too good... they would lose themselves in the monster. And yet, it was hard for him to hate them, because they were trying to stop their very nature...
"I don't understand."
No, she didn't. How to make her see?
"We try," I told her. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."
Her scent was still a force in the car. I was growing used to it, I could almost ignore it, but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong reason. My mouth was swimming with venom.
Jacob sighed, he really didn't want to hear that right now... it made it easy to hate them again.
"This is a mistake?" she asked, and there was heartbreak in her voice. The sound of it disarmed me. She wanted to be with me - despite everything, she wanted to be with me.
Hope swelled again, and I beat it back.
"A very dangerous one," I told her truthfully, wishing the truth could really somehow cease to matter.
She didn't respond for a moment. I heard her breathing change - it hitched in strange ways that did not sound like fear.
"What is it then?" Jacob asked.
Bella didn't answer; she just looked sadly at the book.
"Tell me more," she said suddenly, her voice distorted by anguish.
I examined her carefully.
She was in pain. How had I allowed this?
"You should watch your words more carefully," Bella mumbled.
"What more do you want to know?" I asked, trying to think of a way to keep her from hurting. She should not hurt. I couldn't let her be hurt.
"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," she said, still anguished.
Wasn't it obvious? Or maybe this didn't matter to her either.
"I don't want to be a monster," I muttered.
Bella smiled at that, thinking how that proved that he wasn't a monster.
"But animals aren't enough?"
I searched for another comparison, a way that she could understand. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger - or rather thirst. But it keeps us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." My voice got lower; I was ashamed of danger I had allowed her to be in. Danger I continued to allow...
"Sometimes it's more difficult than others."
"Is it very difficult for you now?"
I sighed. Of course she would ask the question I didn't want to answer.
"Because those are the questions that truly matters... that lets me know more about you," Bella said.
"Yes," I admitted.
I expected her physical response correctly this time: her breathing held steady, her heart kept its even pattern. I expected it, but I did not understand it. How could she not be afraid?
"Because she's a freak," Jacob supplied.
"But you're not hungry now," she declared, perfectly sure of herself.
"Why do you think that?"
"Your eyes," she said, her tone offhand. "I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people - men in particular - are crabbier when they're hungry."
"That is ridiculous," Jacob said in mock indignation.
"Are you hungry now?" Bella questioned.
"I could do with a bit of eating, yeah," Jacob admitted.
"I rest my case," Bella said and Jacob rolled his eyes.
"But we are going to eat dinner after this, right?" Jacob asked, now that she's got him thinking about food, he really was hungry.
"I guess," Bella said. "I think I should call Charlie and see what's going on... he should be getting home soon."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," Jacob said. "But let's finish this chapter first, okay?"
I chuckled at her description: crabby. There was an understatement. But she was dead right, as usual. "You are observant, aren't you?" I laughed again.
She smiled a little, the crease returning between her eyes as if she were concentrating on something.
"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" she asked after my laugh had faded. The casual way she spoke was as fascinating as it was frustrating. Could she really accept so much in stride? I was closer to shock than she seemed to be.
Both Jacob and Bella laughed at that one.
"Yes," I told her, and then, as I was about to leave it at that, I felt the same urge I'd had in the restaurant: I wanted her to know me. "I didn't want to leave," I went on slowly, "but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."
"Why didn't you want to leave?"
I took a deep breath, and then turned to meet her gaze. This kind of honesty was difficult in a very different way.
"Why?" Bella questioned, but she knew that she wasn't going to get an answer to that.
"It makes me...anxious," I supposed that word would suffice, though it wasn't strong enough, "to be away from you. I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you. And after what happened tonight, I'm surprised that you did make it through a whole weekend unscathed."
Bella grimaced at this; as if Edward needed any more reasons to think that she couldn't survive without him near by... then again, having him nearby was a plus... so she wasn't too annoyed by this.
Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms. "Well, not totally unscathed," I amended.
"What?"
"Your hands," I reminded her.
She sighed and grimaced. "I fell."
I'd guessed right. "That's what I thought," I said, unable to contain my smile. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse - and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." Honestly, that didn't belong in the past tense. I was probably still irritating Emmett, and all the rest of my family, too. Except Alice...
"Three days?" she asked, her voice suddenly sharp. "Didn't you just get back today?"
I didn't understand the edge in her voice.
"She missed you too, you idiot," Jacob chuckled.
"No, we got back Sunday."
"Then why weren't any of you in school?" she demanded. Her irritation confused me. She didn't seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again.
"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't," I said. "But I can't go out in the sunlight, at least, not where anyone can see."
That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance.
"Is it really that mysterious?" Bella questioned Jacob.
"I don't think so," Jacob said. "But of course I have you right here telling me what your book self is thinking... um... at least you do when you can."
"Why?" she asked, leaning her head to one side.
I doubted I could come up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one. So I just told her, "I'll show you sometime." And then I wondered if this was a promise I would end up breaking. Would I see her again, after tonight? Did I love her enough yet to be able to bear leaving her?
Bella growled, really annoyed by that. If he didn't stop thinking about leaving her... Saying that his leaving proved that he loved her, she was going to scream.
"You might have called me," she said.
What an odd conclusion. "But I knew you were safe."
"What a jerk," Jacob laughed. "Of course only he matters."
Bella rolled her eyes.
"But I didn't know where you were. I - " She came to an abrupt stop, and looked at her hands.
"What?"
"I didn't like it," she said shyly, the skin over her cheekbones warming. "Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too."
"Aww... poor Bella," Jacob teased.
"Shut up," Bella groaned.
Are you happy now? I demanded of myself. Well, here was my reward for hoping.
"He says that like it's a bad thing he got what he hoped for," Jacob rolled his eyes.
I was bewildered, elated, horrified - mostly horrified - to realize that all my wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark. This was why it didn't matter to her that I was a monster. It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me.
"And it's a horrifying reason," Jacob said.
Why right and wrong were no longer compelling influences. Why all my priorities had shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top.
Bella cared for me, too.
Bella smiled.
"I don't think he's going to stop his negative thinking," Jacob pointed out to her.
"But it's still nice to know that I like him... and he knows it now," Bella said.
I knew it could be nothing in comparison to how I loved her.
"And apparently he's still going to underestimate you," Jacob chuckled.
"Um... well, he might have a point," Bella said. "I mean, you heard how he described how vampires love..."
"Yeah," Jacob agreed, knowing that it was close to what was described in his legends. "But if that is true, it's probably easy for you to feel the same way," he added a little reluctantly. "I mean if someone loves you like that... don't you think it would be easy... even for us lowly humans... to love the same way."
"I suppose," Bella said. "Still, I'll have to meet him before I really understand my feelings."
But it was enough for her to risk her life to sit here with me. To do so gladly.
Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her.
Bella groaned at that.
Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her? Anything at all?
I should have stayed away. I should never have come back to Forks. I would cause her nothing but pain.
Would that stop me from staying now? From making it worse?
Bella grimaced, but now she was determined... she was going to have to make it clear to him that leaving wasn't an option. Of course how she was going to do that was the more difficult problem.
The way I felt right now, feeling her warmth against my skin...
No. Nothing would stop me.
"Ah," I groaned to myself. "This is wrong."
"What did I say?" she asked, quick to take the blame on herself.
"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved. I don't want to hear that you feel that way."
It was the truth, it was a lie. The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella - please, grasp that."
"No." Her lips pouted out petulantly.
Jacob laughed at that, "Sorry man...but you're not going to get through that thick skull of hers."
Bella rolled her eyes, though Jacob was right about that statement.
"I'm serious." I was battling with myself so strongly - half desperate for her to accept, half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping - that the words came through my teeth as a growl.
"So am I," she insisted. "I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
"You probably should have picked better words than too late," Jacob said.
"Whatever," Bella said.
Too late? The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella's sleeping form in my memory. Inevitable, unstoppable. They stole the color from her skin, and plunged her into darkness.
Too late? Alice's vision swirled in my head, Bella's blood red eyes staring back at me impassively. Expressionless - but there was no way that she could not hate me for that future. Hate me for stealing everything from her. Stealing her life and her soul.
Jacob grimaced; he did not like these semi constant reminders of Bella becoming a vampire. It helped that Edward was so dead set against it, but still... it seemed like this was an eventuality that he really didn't want to happen.
Bella, on the other hand, was disagreeing with what Edward thought, believing that if she was a vampire in the future... it would be her choice. She knew better than to voice this thought though, Jacob looked tense enough as it was.
It could not be too late.
"Never say that," I hissed.
She stared out her window, and her teeth bit into her lip again. Her hands were balled into tight fists in her lap. Her breathing hitched and broke.
"What are you thinking?" I had to know.
She shook her head without looking at me. I saw something glisten, like a crystal, on her cheek.
"Y..." Jacob was about to make a comment about this, but stopped himself.
Agony. "Are you crying?" I'd made her cry. I'd hurt her that much.
She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand.
"No," she lied, her voice breaking.
Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her - in that one second I felt more human than I ever had. And then I remembered that I was...not. And I lowered my hand.
"You're human to me," Bella said, it would be nice if he comforted her there, though she wasn't sure if she was sad or angry... she cried when she's both.
"I'm sorry," I said, my jaw locked. How could I ever tell her how sorry I was?
Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I'd made. Sorry for my never-ending selfishness. Sorry that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first, tragic love of mine. Sorry also for the things beyond my control - that I'd been the monster chosen by fate to end her life in the first place.
I took a deep breath - ignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the car - and tried to collect myself.
I wanted to change the subject, to think of something else. Lucky for me, my curiosity about the girl was insatiable. I always had a question.
"Tell me something," I said.
"Yes?" she asked huskily, tears still in her voice.
"What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression - you didn't look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something." I remembered her face - forcing myself to forget whose eyes I was looking through - the look of determination there.
"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker," she said, her voice more composed. "You know, self defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain."
Jacob laughed at the comment, though it was a dark laugh, knowing the danger she had been in. "Don't you think running would have been better?"
"I trip when I run," Bella sighed.
"Oh," Jacob grimaced this time. "That does suck... at least you know defense techniques."
Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation. Her tone twisted until it seethed with hate. This was no hyperbole, and her kittenish fury was not humorous now.
I could see her frail figure - just silk over glass - overshadowed by the meaty, heavy fisted human monsters who would have hurt her. The fury boiled in the back of my head.
Jacob was quite upset himself. Knowing that she would have fought... but it wouldn't have helped her... yeah, he was pretty damn mad again.
"You were going to fight them?" I wanted to groan. Her instincts were deadly - to herself. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," she said sheepishly.
"What about screaming for help?"
"I was getting to that part."
I shook my head in disbelief. How had she managed to stay alive before she'd come to Forks?
"My life was never threatened before I came here," Bella answered.
"You were right," I told her, a sour edge to my voice. "I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."
"Or maybe fate is putting me in danger so that you won't leave me," Bella said.
"What?" Jacob asked.
"Well, it seems like Edward might have left if my life didn't need saving," Bella shrugged. "Plus, I doubt I would ever have found out about him if it weren't for the van accident... and knowing his secret will only improve our relationship.
She sighed, and glanced out the window. Then she looked back at me.
"Will I see you tomorrow?" she demanded abruptly.
As long as I was on my way to hell - I might as well enjoy the journey.
"Yes - I have a paper due, too." I smiled at her, and it felt good to do this. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."
Her heart fluttered; my dead heart suddenly felt warmer.
I stopped the car in front of her father's house. She made no move to leave me.
"Do you promise to be there tomorrow?" she insisted.
"Well, it seems you know about his tendency to want to leave," Jacob chuckled.
"Hm," Bella said, not sure if that was a good thing or not.
"I promise."
How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness? Surely there was something amiss in that.
She nodded to herself, satisfied, and started to remove my jacket.
"You can keep it," I assured her quickly. I rather wanted to leave her with something of myself. A token, like the bottle cap that was in my pocket now...
"Ah... he has the cap in his pocket," Jacob laughed.
"You don't have a jacket for tomorrow."
She handed it back to me, smiling ruefully. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie," she told me.
"I can see your point," Jacob laughed as Bella looked as if she completely agreed with herself on that point.
I would imagine not. I smiled at her. "Oh, right."
She put her hand on the door handle, and then stopped. Unwilling to leave, just as I was unwilling for her to go.
To have her unprotected, even for a few moments...
Peter and Charlotte were well on their way by now, long past Seattle, no doubt.
But there were always others. This world was not a safe place for any human, and for her it seemed to be more dangerous than it was for the rest.
"Bella?" I asked, surprised at the pleasure there was in simply speaking her name.
"Yes?"
"Will you promise me something?"
"Yes," she agreed easily, and then her eyes tightened as if she'd thought of a reason to object.
"You can ask for anything," Bella muttered, hoping that he wouldn't ask for anything unreasonable.
"Don't go into the woods alone," I warned her, wondering if this request would trigger the objection in her eyes.
She blinked, startled. "Why?"
I glowered into the untrustworthy darkness. The lack of light was no problem for my eyes, but neither would it trouble another hunter. It only blinded humans.
"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there," I told her. "Let's leave it at that."
She shivered, but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she told me, "Whatever you say."
"Don't dismiss that comment," Jacob said, he had shivered, too.
Her breath touched my face, so sweet and fragrant.
I could stay here all night like this, but she needed her sleep. The two desires seemed equally strong as they continually warred inside me: wanting her versus wanting her to be safe.
I sighed at the impossibilities. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said, knowing that I would see her much sooner than that. She wouldn't see me until tomorrow, though.
"Tomorrow, then," she agreed as she opened her door.
Agony again, watching her leave.
I leaned after her, wanting to hold her here. "Bella?"
She turned, and then froze, surprised to find our faces so close together.
I, too, was overwhelmed by the proximity. The heat rolled off her in waves, caressing my face. I could all but feel the silk of her skin...
Her heartbeat stuttered, and her lips fell open.
"Sleep well," I whispered, and leaned away before the urgency in my body - either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger I suddenly felt - could make me do something that might hurt her.
Bella shivered a little in fear... and anticipation.
She sat there motionless for a moment, her eyes wide and stunned. Dazzled, I guessed.
As was I.
And she smiled at that; it was nice to know that she could dazzle him, too.
She recovered - though her face was still a bit bemused - and half fell out of the car, tripping over her feet and having to catch the frame of the car to right herself.
I chuckled - hopefully it was too quiet for her to hear.
"I wouldn't be so sure with Bella," Jacob mumbled.
I watched her stumble her way up to the pool of light that surrounded the front door. Safe for the moment. And I would be back soon to make sure.
I could feel her eyes follow me as I drove down the dark street. Such a different sensation than I was accustomed to. Usually, I could simply watch myself through someone's following eyes, were I of a mind to. This was strangely exciting - this intangible sensation of watching eyes. I knew it was just because they were her eyes.
A million thoughts chased each other through my head as I drove aimlessly into the night.
For a long time I circled through the streets, going nowhere, thinking of Bella and the incredible release of having the truth known. No longer did I have to dread that she would find out what I was. She knew. It didn't matter to her. Even though this was obviously a bad thing for her, it was amazingly liberating for me.
"Well, that's nice to hear," Bella said; all his thoughts had been so negative before.
More than that, I thought of Bella and requited love. She couldn't love me the way I loved her - such an overpowering, all-consuming, crushing love would probably break her fragile body.
"Hmph," Bella huffed, she was stronger than he thought she was.
But she felt strongly enough. Enough to subdue the instinctive fear. Enough to want to be with me. And being with her was the greatest happiness I had ever known.
For a while - as I was all alone and hurting no one else for a change - I allowed myself to feel that happiness without dwelling on the tragedy. Just to be happy that she cared for me. Just to exult in the triumph of winning her affection. Just to imagine day after day of sitting close to her, hearing her voice and earning her smiles.
I replayed that smile in my head, seeing her full lips pull up at the corners, the hint of a dimple that touched her pointed chin, the way her eyes warmed and melted...
Bella was blushing from this description.
Her fingers had felt so warm and soft on my hand tonight. I imagined how it would feel to touch the delicate skin that stretched over her cheekbones - silky, warm...so fragile.
Silk over glass...frighteningly breakable.
I didn't see where my thoughts were leading until it was too late. As I dwelt on that devastating vulnerability, new images of her face intruded on my fantasies.
Lost in the shadows, pale with fear - yet her jaw tight and determined, her eyes fierce, full of concentration, her slim body braced to strike at the hulking forms that gathered around her, nightmares in the gloom...
Jacob hissed at this description and Bella shuddered.
"Ah," I groaned as the simmering hate that I'd all but forgotten in the joy of loving her burst again into an inferno of rage.
I was alone. Bella was, I trusted, safe inside her home; for a moment I was fiercely glad that Charlie Swan - head of the local law enforcement, trained and armed - was her father. That ought to mean something, provide some shelter for her.
Jacob chuckled. "Ah, so that point eases his mind a little."
She was safe. It would not take me so very long to avenge the insult...
No. She deserved better. I could not allow her to care for a murderer.
But...what about the others?
Bella was safe, yes. Angela and Jessica were also, surely, safe in their beds.
"He has a point," Jacob hissed. "That man can't be allowed to just walk free... you're not the only one in danger."
"True," Bella said, but she was hoping for imprisonment.
Yet a monster was loose in the streets of Port Angeles. A human monster - did that make him the humans' problem? To commit the murder I ached to commit was wrong. I knew that. But leaving him free to attack again could not be the right thing either.
The blond hostess from the restaurant. The waitress I'd never really looked at.
"You can't like the idea of him hurting them or someone like them," Bella said, though the girls were annoying, they didn't deserve that.
Both had irritated me in a trivial way, but that did not mean they deserved to be in danger.
Either one of them might be somebody's Bella.
That realization decided me.
I turned the car north, accelerating now that I had a purpose. Whenever I had a problem that was beyond me - something tangible like this - I knew where I could go for help.
Alice was sitting on the porch, waiting for me. I pulled to a stop in front of the house rather than going around to the garage.
"Carlisle's in his study," Alice told me before I could ask.
"Ah, he goes to his dad," Bella smiled.
"Thank you," I said, tousling her hair as I passed.
Thank you for returning my call, she thought sarcastically.
"Oh." I paused by the door, pulling out my phone and flipping it open. "Sorry. I didn't even check to see who it was. I was...busy."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, too. By the time I saw what was going to happen, you were on your way."
Bella shivered as she wondered just how much Alice had seen.
"It was close," I murmured.
Sorry, she repeated, ashamed of herself.
It was easy to be generous, knowing that Bella was fine. "Don't be. I know you can't catch everything. No one expects you to be omniscient, Alice."
"Thanks."
"I almost asked you out to dinner tonight - did you catch that before I changed my mind?"
She grinned. "No, I missed that one, too. Wish I'd known. I would have come."
Though Bella did want to meet Alice, she was quite happy that she'd had that dinner with Edward alone.
"What were you concentrating on, that you missed so much?"
Jasper's thinking about our anniversary. She laughed. He's trying not to make a decision on my gift, but I think I have a pretty good idea...
Jacob laughed at that. "She would use her gift on something like that."
"You're shameless."
"Yep."
She pursed her lips, and stared up at me, a hint of accusation in her expression. I paid better attention later. Are you going to tell them that she knows?
"Oh," Bella said a little tensely. Now wondering what the rest of the family would think about her knowing their secret. She couldn't help but be a little reminded about their conversation after the van accident and it made her shiver. But surely they wouldn't be so hostile about her this time, right?
I sighed. "Yes. Later."
I won't say anything. Do me a favor and tell Rosalie when I'm not around, okay?
Jacob chuckled at that. "I'd like to see that one."
Bella just flinched.
I flinched. "Sure."
Bella took it pretty well.
"Too well."
Alice grinned at me. Don't underestimate Bella.
"I knew I liked her," Bella smiled.
I tried to block the image I didn't want to see - Bella and Alice, best of friends.
"There is nothing wrong with that," Bella said firmly.
"Of course there is," Jacob said just as firmly. "I'm your best friend."
"Sure you are," Bella rolled her eyes, and laughed when Jacob pouted.
Impatient now, I sighed heavily. I wanted to be through with the next part of the evening; I wanted it over with. But I was a little worried to leave Forks...
"Alice..." I began. She saw what I was planning to ask.
She'll be fine tonight. I'm keeping a better watch now. She sort of needs twenty-four hour supervision, doesn't she?
"Argh," Bella groaned, now Alice was going to be watching her, too.
"At least."
"Anyway, you'll be with her soon enough."
I took a deep breath. The words were beautiful to me.
"Go on - get this done so you can be where you want to be," she told me.
I nodded, and hurried up to Carlisle's room.
He was waiting for me, his eyes on the door rather than the thick book on his desk.
"I heard Alice tell you where to find me," he said, and smiled.
It was a relief to be with him, to see the empathy and deep intelligence in his eyes.
Carlisle would know what to do.
"I can relate to that," Jacob said, thinking of the many times he had gone to his dad for help with things. This right here, really made Edward seem human to him.
"I need help."
"Anything, Edward," he promised.
"Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella tonight?"
Almost happened, he amended.
"Yes, almost. I've got a dilemma, Carlisle. You see, I want...very much...to kill him." The words started to flow fast and passionate. "So much. But I know that would be wrong, because it would be vengeance, not justice. All anger, no impartiality. Still, it can't be right to leave a serial ra**st and killer wandering Port Angeles! I don't know the humans there, but I can't let someone else take Bella's place as his victim. Those other women - someone might feel about them the way I feel about Bella. Might suffer what I would have suffered if she'd been harmed. It's not right - "
His wide, unexpected smile stopped the rush of my words cold.
She's very good for you, isn't she? So much compassion, so much control. I'm impressed.
Bella blushed at this, taking this as conformation that Carlisle approved of her.
"I'm not looking for compliments, Carlisle."
"Of course not. But I can't help my thoughts, can I?" He smiled again. "I'll take care of it. You can rest easy. No one else will be harmed in Bella's place."
"Good," Bella said looking relieved. "But then again... that doesn't really mean anything does it... He's still out there... only in this book is he being taken care of."
"We'll just have to make sure to tell someone about this guy," Jacob said.
I saw the plan in his head. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, it did not satisfy my craving for brutality, but I could see that it was the right thing.
"Aw," Jacob said, he wouldn't have minded a little brutality.
"I'll show you where to find him," I said.
"Let's go."
He grabbed his black bag on the way. I would have preferred a more aggressive form of sedation - like a cracked skull - but I would let Carlisle do this his way.
We took my car. Alice was still on the steps. She grinned and waved as we drove away. I saw that she had looked ahead for me; we would have no difficulties.
The trip was very short on the dark, empty road. I left off my headlights to keep from attracting attention. It made me smile to think how Bella would have reacted to this pace. I'd already been driving slower than usual - to prolong my time with her - when she'd objected.
Bella shuddered and Jacob laughed.
Carlisle was thinking of Bella, too.
I didn't foresee that she would be so good for him. That's unexpected. Perhaps this was somehow meant to be. Perhaps it serves a higher purpose. Only...
Bella smiled at that... yes she really liked Carlisle, too.
He pictured Bella with snow cold skin and blood red eyes, and then flinched away from the image.
Yes. Only. Indeed. Because how could there be any good in destroying something so pure and lovely?
I glowered into the night, all the joy of the evening destroyed by his thoughts.
Edward deserves happiness. He's owed it. The fierceness of Carlisle's thoughts surprised me. There must be a way.
"Oh, there will be a way... I'll make sure of that," Bella said firmly.
I wished I could believe that - either one. But there was no higher purpose to what was happening to Bella. Just a vicious harpy, an ugly, bitter fate who could not bear for Bella to have the life she deserved.
I did not linger in Port Angeles. I took Carlisle to the dive where the creature named Lonnie was drowning his disappointment with his friends - two of whom had already passed out. Carlisle could see how hard it was for me to be so close - for me to hear the monster's thoughts and see his memories, memories of Bella mixed in with less fortunate girls who no one could save now.
Bella's lip trembled as she thought of those poor girls.
My breathing sped. I clenched the steering wheel.
Go, Edward, he told me gently. I'll make the rest of them safe. You go back to Bella.
It was exactly the right thing to say. Her name was the only distraction that could mean anything to me now.
"And I'm sure he knew it," Bella said. Carlisle seemed to have a very good understanding of his son.
I left him in the car, and ran back to Forks in a straight line through the sleeping forest. It took less time than the first journey in the speeding car. It was just minutes later that I scaled the side of her house and slid her window out of my way.
I sighed silently with relief. Everything was just as it should be. Bella was safe in her bed, dreaming, her wet hair tangled like seaweed across the pillow.
But, unlike most nights, she was curled into a small ball with the covers stretched taut around her shoulders. Cold, I guessed. Before I could settle into my usual seat, she shivered in her sleep, and her lips trembled.
I thought for a brief moment, and then I eased out into the hallway, exploring another part of her house for the first time.
Charlie's snores were loud and even.
Jacob shivered; he had gotten used to the stalker vampire, but it seemed more unnerving now hearing Edward mention Charlie sleeping.
I could almost catch the edge of his dream. Something with the rush of water and patient expectation...fishing, maybe?
Bella and Jacob both chuckled at that. That really seemed like a dream Charlie would have.
There, at the top of the stairs, was a promising looking cupboard. I opened it hopefully, and found what I was looking for. I selected the thickest blanket from the tiny linen closet, and took it back into her room. I would return it before she woke, and no one would be the wiser.
Holding my breath, I cautiously spread the blanket over her; she didn't react to the added weight. I returned to the rocking chair.
While I waited anxiously for her to warm up, I thought of Carlisle, wondering where he was now. I knew his plan would go smoothly - Alice had seen that.
Thinking of my father made me sigh - Carlisle gave me too much credit. I wished I was the person he thought me to be. That person, the one who deserved happiness, might hope to be worthy of this sleeping girl. How different things would be if I could be that Edward.
"And what makes you so sure you're not that Edward?" Bella questioned, knowing there would be no answer (she was talking to a book after all).
As I pondered this, a strange, uncalled image filled my head.
For one moment, the hag-faced fate I'd imagined, the one who sought Bella's destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels. A guardian angel - something Carlisle's version of me might have had. With a heedless smile on her lips, her sky-colored eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there was no way that I could possibly overlook her. A ridiculously potent scent to demand my attention, a silent mind to enflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe. Leave out the natural sense of self-preservation - so that Bella could bear to be near me - and, finally, add a wide streak of appallingly bad luck.
"Obviously she would have to have bad luck if her guardian angel was as reckless as all that," Jacob said.
"I don't think it sounds all that bad," Bella said. "Besides, he was talking about his angel."
"If the angel created you... it would be yours, too," Jacob shrugged.
With a careless laugh, the irresponsible angel propelled her fragile creation directly into my path, trusting blithely in my flawed morality to keep Bella alive.
In this vision, I was not Bella's sentence; she was my reward.
Bella nodded her head... that was a much better thought.
I shook my head at the fantasy of the unthinking angel. She was not much better than the harpy. I could not think well of a higher power that would behave in such a dangerous and stupid manner. At least the ugly fate I could fight against.
And I had no angel. They were reserved for the good - for people like Bella. So where was her angel through all this? Who was watching over her?
"It looks like they've given you that job, so keep up the good work," Bella said.
I laughed silently, startled, as I realized that, just now, I was filling that role.
A vampire angel - there was a stretch.
"No, it's not... he has his own TV show," Jacob laughed and Bella rolled her eyes.
"I don't think he was talking about a vampire named Angel," Bella said.
After about a half hour, Bella relaxed out of the tight ball. Her breathing got deeper and she started to murmur. I smiled, satisfied. It was a small thing, but at least she was sleeping more comfortably tonight because I was here.
"Edward," she sighed, and she smiled, too.
I shoved tragedy aside for the moment, and let myself be happy again.
"Good," Bella smiled.
"That's the end of the chapter," Jacob said, "let's get something to eat."
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 23:26
11. Interrogations
As soon as Jacob and Bella got to Jacob's house, Bella called Charlie. She tried their home first, but he wasn't there, so she called the office. It was almost seven o'clock, but it seemed that Charlie was still there. He seemed a little flustered when she called, he definitely wasn't used to having someone waiting for him... though in this case that was true, she wondered if he was always going to stay at the office late. He said that he was just going to eat at the office and asked that she was home before ten.
"So what's up?" Jacob asked, finishing making enough spaghetti for three people; Billy was sitting in his chair watching TV.
"I don't have to be home until ten," Bella shrugged, and then whispered so only he could hear, "that should be enough time to finish the manuscript."
"Yeah, it should be," Jacob said looking at his dad warily. "Do you think I should tell my dad about this...?"
"I don't know, Jake," Bella frowned, that was a good question. "What do you think will happen if you do?"
"I'm not sure," Jacob frowned, too. "But I'm going to have to tell him something... at some point."
"Well, let's finish the book first, and then you could tell him whatever you think you should," Bella said.
"Sounds good to me," Jacob said, wanting to put off the lengthy conversation he knew he was going to have to have with his father for as long as possible. Dinner was a pleasant enough event. Billy seemed pleased that the two kids appeared to have become friends so quickly and it was clear that Bella was a lot more comfortable today than she had been yesterday. She didn't look quite as gloomy as she did when he had first seen her at least.
After the meal was done, the two teens went back to Jacob's garage (Billy wondered what on Earth they were doing in there that was so interesting, but didn't ask out loud).
"I guess I'll read now," Bella said picking up the book and read, "Interrogations."
CNN broke the story first.
"What story?" Jacob asked.
Bella rolled her eyes. "About the guy that..."
"Oh," Jacob said and then glared at the book.
I was glad it hit the news before I had to leave for school, anxious to hear how the humans would phrase the account, and what amount of attention it would garner.
Luckily, it was a heavy news day. There was an earthquake in South America and a political kidnapping in the Middle East. So it ended up only earning a few seconds, a few sentences, and one grainy picture.
"It's a good thing that those terrible things happened," Jacob muttered darkly.
"I guess he just didn't want anyone in this town to notice that..." Bella said.
"I guess he didn't want you to notice that," Jacob corrected and Bella had to admit he was right.
"Alonzo Calderas Wallace, suspected serial ra**st and murderer wanted in the states of Texas and Oklahoma, was apprehended last night in Portland, Oregon thanks to an anonymous tip. Wallace was found unconscious in an alley early this morning, just a few yards from a police station. Officials are unable to tell us at this time whether he will be extradited to Houston or Oklahoma City to stand trial."
The picture was unclear, a mug shot, and he'd had a thick beard at the time of the photograph. Even if Bella saw it, she would probably not recognize him. I hoped she wouldn't; it would make her afraid needlessly.
"See," Jacob said triumphantly.
"I wasn't doubting you," Bella said, but she was looking at the book sadly.
"What's the matter?" Jacob asked.
"I was just wondering if... that man... if someone got hurt... now, while we're reading this book," Bella said.
"I don't know what to do about that," Jacob said. "I mean even if we do tell someone... it's not like we really know anything that would help catch him."
"I know," Bella frowned, even more down than she was before, but she picked up the book and started to read again.
"The coverage here in town will be light. It's too far away to be considered of local interest," Alice told me. "It was a good call to have Carlisle take him out of state."
I nodded. Bella didn't watch much TV regardless, and I'd never seen her father watching anything besides sports channels.
"That's so true," Jacob said, laughing harder than was necessary in hope that Bella would loosen up some.
I'd done what I could. This monster no longer hunted, and I was not a murderer.
Not recently, anyway. I'd been right to trust Carlisle, as much as I still wished the monster had not gotten off quite so easily. I caught myself hoping he would be extradited to Texas, where the death penalty was so popular...
"You'll get no arguments here," Jacob stated.
No. That didn't matter. I would put this behind me, and concentrate on what was most important.
I'd left Bella's room less than an hour ago. I was already aching to see her again.
"Alice, do you mind - "
She cut me off. "Rosalie will drive. She'll act pissed, but you know she'll enjoy the excuse to show off her car." Alice trilled a laugh.
Jacob rolled his eyes, though it was hard for him not to chuckle at that.
I grinned at her. "See you at school."
Alice sighed, and my grin became a grimace.
I know, I know, she thought. Not yet. I'll wait until you're ready for Bella to know me. You should know, though, this isn't just me being selfish. Bella's going to like me, too.
"Well of course I am," Bella said.
"I have to admit, she's not half bad," Jacob shrugged.
I didn't answer her as I hurried out the door. That was a different way of viewing the situation. Would Bella want to know Alice? To have a vampire for a girlfriend?
"Yes," Bella answered.
Knowing Bella...that idea probably wouldn't bother her in the slightest.
Bella rolled her eyes; he just had to make it sound negative that she felt that way. Jacob, on the other hand, was laughing at her expression.
I frowned to myself. What Bella wanted and what was best for Bella were two very separate things.
"No... what Bella wanted and what you think is best for Bella are two very separate things," Jacob said and Bella nodded her head in total agreement.
I started to feel uneasy as I parked my car in Bella's driveway. The human adage said that things looked different in the morning - that things changed when you slept on them. Would I look different to Bella in the weak light of a foggy day? More sinister or less sinister than I had in the blackness of night? Had the truth sunk in while she slept?
"Er... she's known the truth for like four days or something... I'm sure it's all sunk in," Jacob said.
"Yeah, but it was just confirmed today," Bella said.
"Do you think you'll be scared of him?" Jacob questioned and Bella rolled her eyes. "I rest my case."
Would she finally be afraid?
Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night. When she'd spoken my name, time and time again, she'd smiled. More than once she'd murmured a plea for me to stay.
Would that mean nothing today?
I waited nervously, listening to the sounds of her inside the house - the fast, stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of the refrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed. It sounded like she was in a hurry. Anxious to get to school? The thought made me smile, hopeful again.
I looked at the clock. I supposed that - taking in account the velocity her decrepit truck must limit her to - she was running a little late.
"You don't have to make fun of my truck," Bella muttered causing Jacob to laugh.
Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag sliding off her shoulder, her hair coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck. The thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching against the cold fog.
The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering. It masked her slender figure, turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble. I appreciated this almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse she'd worn last night...the fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way, cut low enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollow beneath her throat. The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body...
Bella was blushing; did she always have to read the chapters where he described her like this?
It was better - essential - that I kept my thoughts far, far away from that shape, so I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore.
"Well, thanks," Bella groaned.
I couldn't afford to make mistakes, and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the strange hungers that thoughts of her lips...her skin...her body...were shaking loose inside of me. Hungers that had evaded me for a hundred years. But I could not allow myself to think of touching her, because that was impossible.
Bella was blushing again... thinking about him touching her.
I would break her.
Both Bella and Jacob grimaced at that.
Bella turned away from the door, in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my car without noticing it.
Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a startled colt's. Her bag slid further down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car.
Jacob was laughing at this description... imaging it quite clearly in his head and Bella kept reading, blushing as she did so.
I got out, taking no care to move at human speed, and opened the passenger door for her. I would not try to deceive her anymore - when we were alone, at least, I would be myself.
Bella smiled at that... this was definitely what she wanted.
She looked up at me, startled again as I seemingly materialized out of the fog.
And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, and I was no longer afraid - or hopeful - that her feelings for me had changed in the course of the night. Warmth, wonder, fascination, all swimming in the melted chocolate of her eyes.
"Do you want to ride with me today?" I asked. Unlike dinner last night, I would let her choose. From now on, it must always be her choice.
"Good," Jacob said.
"Yes, thank you," she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation.
Would it ever cease to thrill me, that I was the one she was saying yes to? I doubted it.
I flashed around the car, eager to join her. She showed no sign of being shocked by my sudden reappearance.
The happiness I felt when she sat beside me this way had no precedent. As much as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various entertainments and distractions the world had to offer, I had never been happy like this. Even knowing that it was wrong, that this couldn't possibly end well, could not keep the smile from my face for long.
My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat. I saw her eyeing it.
"I brought the jacket for you," I told her. This was my excuse, had I needed to provide one, for showing up uninvited this morning. It was cold. She had no jacket.
"Lame excuse," Jacob said.
"He doesn't need an excuse," Bella shrugged.
"Doesn't make that any less lame," Jacob shrugged.
Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry. "I didn't want you to get sick or something."
"I'm not quite that delicate," she said, staring at my chest rather than my face, as if she were hesitant to meet my eyes.
"Or maybe she's just ogling you," Jacob said and laughed when Bella turned bright red.
But she put the coat on before I had to resort to commanding or coaxing.
"Aren't you?" I muttered to myself.
She stared out at the road as I accelerated toward the school. I could only stand the silence for a few seconds. I had to know what her thoughts were this morning. So much had changed between us since the last time the sun was up.
"What, no twenty questions today?" I asked, keeping it light again.
She smiled, seeming glad that I'd broached the subject. "Do my questions bother you?"
"Not as much as your reactions do," I told her honestly, smiling in response to her smile.
"There's nothing wrong with my reactions," Bella said.
"Except to this crazy vampire that doesn't want anything to make him too happy," Jacob said.
Her mouth turned down. "Do I react badly?"
"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly - it's unnatural." Not one scream so far. How could that be? "It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."
Of course, everything she did or didn't do made me wonder that.
"Sorry," Bella shrugged, smiling.
"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."
"You edit."
Her teeth pressed into her lip again. She didn't seem to notice when she did this - it was an unconscious response to tension.
"Apparently," Jacob chuckled, noticing that Bella was doing that at the moment.
"Not very much."
Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging. What did she purposefully keep from me?
Bella rolled her eyes... purposefully keep from him...
"Enough to drive me insane," I said.
She hesitated, and then whispered, "You don't want to hear it."
I had to think for a moment, run through our entire conversation last night, word for word, before I made the connection. Perhaps it took so much concentration because I couldn't imagine anything that I wouldn't want her to say to me. And then - because the tone of her voice was the same as last night; there was suddenly pain there again - I remembered. Once, I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. Never say that, I'd all but snarled at her. I had made her cry...
Was this what she kept from me? The depth of her feelings about me? That my being a monster didn't matter to her, and that she thought it was too late for her to change her mind?
Well, that was entirely possible, Bella thought to herself.
I was unable to speak, because the joy and pain were too strong for words, the conflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response. It was silent in the car except for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs.
"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked suddenly.
"Always worrying about everyone else," Jacob said.
I took a deep breath - registering the scent in the car with true pain for the first time; I was getting used to this, I realized with satisfaction - and forced myself to be casual again.
"Well, that's really good to know," Jacob said.
"They took Rosalie's car." I parked in the open spot next to the car in question. I hid my smile as I watched her eyes widen. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"
"Um, wow. If she has that, why does she ride with you?"
Rosalie would have enjoyed Bella's reaction...if she were being objective about Bella, which probably wouldn't happen.
"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."
"You don't succeed," she told me, and then she laughed a carefree laugh.
The blithe, wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chest even as it made my head swim with doubt.
"Oh come on, man... just join in with the laugh and be happy," Jacob said.
"So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?" she wondered.
"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."
My answer should have been mildly frightening - so, of course, Bella smiled at it.
"Of course," Jacob chuckled as Bella made a face.
She didn't wait for me to open her door, just like last night. I had to feign normality here at school - so I couldn't move fast enough to prevent this - but she was just going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy, and get used to it soon.
"I already said I would," Bella said.
I walked as close to her as I dared, watching carefully for any sign that my proximity upset her. Twice her hand twitched toward me and then she would snatch it back. It looked like she wanted to touch me... My breath sped.
Jacob snickered at this. It was just funny to think of someone that was a hundred years old not even knowing how to handle almost holding hands.
"Why do you have cars like that at all? If you're looking for privacy?" she asked as we walked.
"An indulgence," I admitted. "We all like to drive fast."
"Figures," she mumbled, her tone sour.
She didn't look up to see my answering grin.
Nuh-uh! I don't believe this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don't get it! Why?
"Hmm... it seems like you might have been noticed," Jacob chuckled.
"You think?" Bella groaned; she was sure she was going to be grilled by Jessica.
Jessica's mental boggling interrupted my thoughts. She was waiting for Bella, taking refuge from the rain under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, with Bella's winter jacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.
Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheek when Bella registered Jessica's expression. The thoughts in Jessica's head were fairly clear on her face.
"Ah, now Jessica is trying to imitate your expression," Jacob chuckled.
"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering," Bella greeted her. She reached out for the jacket and Jessica handed it to her wordlessly.
I should be polite to Bella's friends, whether they were good friends or not.
"Good morning, Jessica."
Whoa...
"Hm..." Bella said, thinking that it might be better if Edward wasn't so nice to her friends.
Jessica's eyes popped even wider. It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me.
"Tough luck, man," Jacob chuckled and Bella grimaced at that... of course she liked that he was able to be close to her, but the side effect of having girls like him more... that really sucked.
It seemed like no one was afraid of me anymore. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.
"Hm... I'll be sure to tell him then," Jacob smiled.
"Er...hi," Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bella's face, full of significance. "I guess I'll see you in Trig."
You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN! Life is so unfair.
Bella's mouth twitched. "Yeah, I'll see you then."
Jessica's thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at us now and then.
The whole story. I'm not accepting anything less. Did they plan to meet up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would she want to? It can't be a casual thing - she has to be seriously into him. Is there any other option? I will find out. I can't stand not knowing. I wonder if she's made out with him? Oh, swoon... Jessica's thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasies swirl through her head.
"Did she actually think 'Oh, swoon',?" Jacob asked laughing.
"Whatever," Bella shrugged; she was so not looking forward to this conversation with Jessica.
I winced at her speculations, and not just because she'd replaced Bella with herself in the mental pictures.
It couldn't be like that. And yet I...I wanted...
I resisted making the admission, even to myself. How many wrong ways would I want Bella in? Which one would end up killing her?
"How about you stop thinking about that one and give us all a break?" Jacob hissed.
I shook my head, and tried to lighten up.
"What are you going to tell her?" I asked Bella.
"Hey!" she whispered fiercely. "I thought you couldn't read my mind!"
"I can't." I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words. Ah - we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm...I rather liked that.
"The simplest things pleases him," Jacob chuckled.
"Um... I'm pretty sure this book proves that's not true," Bella said. "He's never pleased about anything... or he never lets himself be pleased."
"However," I told her, "I can read hers - she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."
Bella groaned, and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders. I didn't realize that she was giving it back at first - I wouldn't have asked for it; I would rather she kept it...a token - so I was too slow to offer her my help. She handed me the jacket, and put her arms through her own, without looking up to see that my hands were extended to assist. I frowned at that, and then controlled my expression before she noticed it.
"He really is a gentleman," Bella muttered, she was really going to have to remember that and that it wasn't only car doors that he wanted to help her with.
"So, what are you going to tell her?" I pressed.
"A little help? What does she want to know?"
I smiled, and shook my head. I wanted to hear what she was thinking without a prompt. "That's not fair."
Her eyes tightened. "No, you not sharing what you know - now that's unfair."
Right - she didn't like double standards.
"No... so tell me what you know," Bella said.
We got to the door of her class - where I would have to leave her; I wondered idly if Ms. Cope would be more accommodating about a switch in the schedule of my English class... I made myself focus. I could be fair.
"She wants to know if we're secretly dating," I said slowly. "And she wants to know how you feel about me."
Her eyes were wide - not startled, but ingenious now. They were open to me, readable. She was playing innocent.
Jacob again laughed at this image.
"Yikes," she murmured. "What should I say?"
"Hmmm." She always tried to make me give away more than she did. I pondered how to respond.
Bella rolled her eyes... that so wasn't true.
A wayward strand of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across her shoulder and curled around where her collar bone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater.
It drew my eyes...pulled them across the other hidden lines...
I reached for it carefully, not touching her skin - the morning was chill enough without my touch - and twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldn't distract me again. I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jaw flexed at the memory. She had flinched away from him then. Her reaction now was nothing the same; instead, there was a slight widening of her eyes, a rush of blood under her skin, and a sudden, uneven thumping of her heart.
Bella was again annoyed at having to read this out loud, and for the blush that came to her face... and that she had to wait another few days before meeting Edward... and worried about how that meeting would go...
"Um... are you going to read again any time soon?" Jacob asked.
"Yeah... sorry," Bella blushed even more and then started reading.
I tried to hide my smile as I answered her question.
"I suppose you could say yes to the first...if you don't mind - ," her choice, always her choice, " - it's easier than any other explanation."
"I don't mind," she whispered. Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet.
"And as for her other question..." I couldn't hide my smile now. "Well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself."
"Argh," Bella said, now glaring at the book. "That's not fair."
"But it does make this more entertaining," Jacob laughed.
Let Bella consider that. I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face.
I turned quickly, before she could ask for any more answers. I had a difficult time not giving her whatever she asked for. And I wanted to hear her thoughts, not mine.
"I'll see you at lunch," I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to check that she was still staring after me, wide-eyed. Her mouth was hanging open. I turned away again, and laughed.
Jacob was laughing too. It was definitely better hearing the annoyance in Bella's voice as she read this.
As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughts that swirled around me - eyes bouncing back and forth between Bella's face and my retreating figure. I paid them little attention. I couldn't concentrate. It was hard enough to keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass to my next class. I wanted to run - really run, so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it would feel like I was flying. Part of me was flying already.
I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me.
I would burn now - let the scent desensitize me - and then it would be easier to ignore it later, when I was with her again at lunch...
"Hmm..." Bella said, "maybe I should wear his jacket more often then... if it would help him."
It was a good thing that my teachers no longer bothered to call on me. Today might have been the day that they would have caught me out, unprepared and answerless.
"I wouldn't call that a good thing," Jacob pouted.
My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom.
Of course I was watching Bella. That was becoming natural - as automatic as breathing. I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton. She quickly directed the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me.
Ugh. Creepy.
Well, I hadn't lost it entirely.
"And you want to be creepy?" Jacob said. "This guy is weird."
I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching her refine her questions for Bella.
I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.
And I was also listening to Angela Weber.
I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt to her - for thinking nothing but kind things toward Bella in the first place, and then for her help last night. So I waited through the morning, looking for something that she wanted. I assumed it would be an easy; like any other human, there must be some bauble or toy she wanted particularly. Several, probably. I would deliver something anonymously and call us even...
"Would it really be that easy to please someone?" Bella asked, she couldn't really think of a 'thing' that would make her happy.
"Probably," Jacob said, thinking about the master cylinder that he needed for his car
But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts. She was oddly content for a teenager. Happy. Perhaps this was the reason for her unusual kindness - she was one of those rare people who had what they wanted and wanted what they had. If she wasn't paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she was thinking of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekend - anticipating their excitement with an almost maternal pleasure. She cared for them often, but was not resentful of this fact... It was very sweet.
Bella smiled, she was definitely going to have to make friends with this girl.
"Well, it looks like you're not so unique after all," Jacob said. "There are other humans out there that aren't selfish."
"I never thought I was unique," Bella shrugged.
But not really helpful to me.
There had to be something she wanted. I would just have to keep looking. But later. It was time for Bella's trig class with Jessica.
Bella grimaced and the annoyance was back in her voice now.
I wasn't watching where I was going as I made my way to English. Jessica was already in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently against the floor as she waited for Bella to arrive.
Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I became utterly still. I had to remind myself to fidget now and then. To keep up the charade. It was difficult, my thoughts were so focused on Jessica's. I hoped she would pay attention, really try to read Bella's face for me.
Jessica's tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room.
She looks...glum. Why? Maybe there's nothing going on with Edward Cullen.
"That's not it," Jacob said chuckling. "I bet you're glum because you have to talk to her..."
"And I know that Edward will be listening," Bella added, her voice was even more annoyed than it was before."
That would be a disappointment. Except...then he's still available... If he's suddenly interested in dating, I don't mind helping out with that...
Bella had hissed the last words out and Jacob chuckled harder than ever.
Bella's face didn't look glum, it looked reluctant. She was worried - she knew I would hear all of this. I smiled to myself.
"Tell me everything!" Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket to hang it on the back of her seat. She was moving with deliberation, unwilling.
Ugh, she's so slow. Let's get to the juicy stuff!
"What do you want to know?" Bella stalled as she took her seat.
Jacob groaned and chuckled at this. "You're not going to make this easy on her are you?"
"No," Bella shook her head.
"What happened last night?"
"He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home."
The chuckling got louder now. "You really are going to annoy her... and Edward, too, of course."
And then? C'mon, there has to be more than that! She's lying anyway, I know that. I'm going to call her on it.
"How did you get home so fast?"
I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica.
"He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying."
This time both Jacob and Bella were chuckling.
She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Mason's announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled. Mr. Mason shot me an irritated look, but I didn't even bother to listen to the thought behind it. I was hearing Jessica.
Huh. She sounds like she's telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me.
"That's not Bella's style," Jacob shrugged.
"Was it like a date - did you tell him to meet you there?"
Jessica watched surprise cross Bella's expression, and was disappointed at how genuine it seemed.
"Well there's one good thing about having an open face," Jacob said and laughed when Bella stuck her tongue out at him.
"No - I was very surprised to see him there," Bella told her.
What is going on? "But he picked you up for school today?" There has to be more to the story.
"Yes - that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn't have a jacket last night."
That's not very much fun, Jessica thought, disappointed again.
"Ah... poor Jessie not getting anything fun out of you," Jacob laughed.
I was tired of her line of questioning - I wanted to hear something I didn't already know. I hoped she wasn't so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I was waiting for.
"So are you going out again?" Jessica demanded.
"He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isn't up to it - does that count?"
Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to...well, take care of her, sort of. There must be something there on his side, if not on hers. How could THAT be? Bella's crazy.
"Why does everyone have to question my sanity in this book?" Bella huffed.
"Because you're crazy!" Jacob laughed.
"Yes," Jessica answered Bella's question.
"Well, then," Bella concluded. "Yes."
"Wow...Edward Cullen." Whether she likes him or not, this is major.
"I know," Bella sighed.
The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica.
"Damn," Bella said, she really wished she could have gotten out of this without revealing anything.
Finally - she sounds like she gets it! She must realize...
"Wait!" Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question. "Has he kissed you?" Please say yes. And then describe every second!
"Do girls really care about that crap?" Jacob rolled his eyes. "Talking about kisses and stuff like that?"
"I guess," Bella shrugged, she wasn't one to talk about something like that unless it was pulled out of her painfully like Jessica seemed to want to do.
"No," Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling.
"It's not like that."
Damn. I wish... Ha. Looks like she does too.
Bella blushed again, and of course Edward was listening to that.
I frowned. Bella did look upset about something, but it couldn't be disappointment like Jessica assumed. She couldn't want that. Not knowing what she knew. She couldn't want to be that close to my teeth. For all she knew, I had fangs.
"Um... this guy does realize that if you like someone you probably think about kissing them, right?" Jacob said.
Bella shrugged at that.
I shuddered.
"Do you think Saturday...?" Jessica prodded.
Bella looked even more frustrated as she said, "I really doubt it."
Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her.
Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessica's perceptions that it seemed like Jessica was right?
Bella rolled her eyes.
"Slow as always, man," Jacob said.
For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk...
And then she dies.
Bella rolled her eyes and Jacob flinched at that.
"You really have to take that seriously, Bella," Jacob said. "He's getting used to you... but it's got to be harder for him if he's close to you like that."
"I'll be careful," Bella said, but that didn't change her mind about wanting to be close to him like that.
I shook my head, wincing, and made myself pay attention.
"What did you talk about?" Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you like this?
"A little of both," Jacob chuckled.
I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn't far off.
"I don't know, Jess, lots of stuff. We talked about the English essay a little."
"Um... you did?" Jacob questioned.
"He mentioned it," Bella shrugged.
A very little. I smiled wider.
Oh, c'MON. "Please, Bella! Give me some details."
Bella deliberated for a moment.
"Well...okay, I've got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him - it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all."
What a strange detail to share. I was surprised Bella had even noticed. It seemed a very inconsequential thing.
"Yeah, to you," Bella said. "But having someone flaunt themselves in front of someone you like isn't fun at all... and something that anyone would notice."
Interesting... "That's a good sign. Was she pretty?"
Hmm. Jessica thought more of it that I did. Must be a female thing.
"Or maybe it's a human thing," Jacob said, he thought it meant something, too. Of course he wouldn't have discussed this...
"Very," Bella told her. "And probably nineteen or twenty."
Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on her date Monday night - Mike being a little too friendly with a waitress who Jessica did not consider pretty at all.
"Hmph," Jacob huffed, his opinion of Mike, which was already low, just dropped there. He could have had at least the decency to not look at other girls when he was out on a date.
She shoved the memory away and returned, stifling her irritation, to her quest for details.
"Even better. He must like you."
"I think so," Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidly still. "But it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic."
Jacob snorted at that.
"What? It's true!" Bella exclaimed.
"I know," Jacob said still laughing. "It's just so funny because we know how he really feels."
Bella give him a reluctant smile at that, even as she felt sorry for her book self for not knowing how Edward felt about her.
I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as I'd thought.
Still...observant as she was... How could she not realize that I was in love with her? I sifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadn't said the words out loud. It had felt like that knowledge had been the subtext of every word between us.
"Yeah and the other subtext was 'run away, Bella'... or 'I'm going to leave you, Bella,'" Bella said angrily; how was she supposed to know what he was thinking?
Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation?
"I don't know how you're brave enough to be alone with him," Jessica said.
Shock flashed across Bella's face. "Why?"
Weird reaction. What does she think I meant?
"That he's a dangerous monster that's trying to be good," Jacob said.
"Who is good," Bella corrected him.
"He's so..." What's the right word? "Intimidating. I wouldn't know what to say to him." I couldn't even speak English to him today, and all he said was good morning. I must have sounded like such an idiot.
"Yep," Jacob agreed.
Bella smiled. "I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him."
She must be trying to make Jessica feel better. She was almost unnaturally self-possessed when we were together.
Bella rolled her eyes; he so didn't see how much he affected her.
"Oh well," Jessica sighed. "He is unbelievably gorgeous."
Bella's face was suddenly colder. Her eyes flashed the same way they did when she resented some injustice. Jessica didn't process the change in her expression.
"Um... what does that expression mean?" Jacob questioned.
"He's not just a pretty face," Bella said and then started reading.
"There's a lot more to him than that," Bella snapped.
Oooh. Now we're getting somewhere. "Really? Like what?"
Bella gnawed her lip for a moment. "I can't explain it right," she finally said.
"But he's even more unbelievable behind the face." She looked away from Jessica, her eyes slightly unfocused as if she was staring at something very far away.
The feeling I felt now was loosely similar to how it felt when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. Similar, but more intense, more consuming.
Bella frowned; she really was going to have to find out why he believed so strongly that he didn't deserve being praised.
Sell stupid somewhere else - there's nothing better than that face! Unless it's his body. Swoon. "Is that possible?" Jessica giggled.
Jacob chuckled at Jessica use of swoon again... it just was a weird thing to think.
Bella didn't turn. She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica.
A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Ha ha. Like I'm talking to a kindergartener.
Jacob narrowed his eyes at that... that sounded insulting to him.
"So you like him, then?"
I was rigid again.
Bella didn't look at Jessica. "Yes."
"I mean, do you really like him?"
"Yes."
Look at that blush!
I was.
Bella groaned.
"How much do you like him?" Jessica demanded.
The English room could have gone up in flames and I wouldn't have noticed.
Bella's face was bright red now - I could almost feel the heat from the mental picture.
"Too much," she whispered. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."
"Do you really think you like him more?" Jacob questioned.
"I think I like him more than he's showed me that he has likes me," Bella said, completely confusing Jacob. Bella sighed and then said, "Obviously, I know that Edward loves me after hearing what he thought... but in the book... there is no way that I realize that. In the book, I must be convinced that... I don't know what I'm thinking in the book actually."
Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask? "Um - which number, Mr. Varner?"
It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella. I needed a minute.
What on earth was that girl thinking now? More than he likes me? How did she come up with that? But I don't see how I can help that? What was that supposed to mean? I couldn't fit a rational explanation to the words. They were practically senseless.
It seemed I couldn't take anything for granted. Obvious things, things that made perfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers.
Bella hissed as she read this. Was it her that twisted everything! He was the one who never seemed to be able to settle with one thought. Always having to think twenty different things at once.
More than he likes me? Maybe I shouldn't rule out the institution just yet.
I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth. How could mere minutes feel so impossibly long to an immortal? Where was my perspective?
My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varner's entire trigonometry lesson. I heard more of that than the lecture in my own class. Bella and Jessica didn't speak again, but Jessica peeked at Bella several times, and once her face was brilliant scarlet again for no apparent reason.
Lunch couldn't come fast enough.
I wasn't sure if Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when the class was over, but Bella was quicker than she was.
As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica.
"In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night," Bella said, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I understood this for what is was - offense as the best defense.
"Good one, Bells," Jacob chuckled.
"Yeah," Bella said smugly, though she was still upset that he kept thinking she was crazy.
Mike asked about me? Joy made Jessica's mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge. "You're kidding! What did you say?"
"I told him you said you had a lot of fun - and he looked pleased."
"Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!"
That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly. Bella was smiling like she was thinking the same thing. Like she'd won the round.
"Well, obviously she did," Jacob chuckled.
Well, lunch would be another story. I would have better success with getting answers out of her than Jessica, I would make sure of that.
I could hardly bear to check in occasionally with Jessica through the fourth hour.
I had no patience for her obsessive thoughts of Mike Newton. I'd had more than enough of him in the last two weeks. He was lucky to be alive.
I moved apathetically through gym class with Alice, the way we always moved when it came to physical activity with humans. She was my teammate, naturally. It was the first day of badminton.
"Badminton!" Bella repeated in a whisper... she didn't like the sounds of having a racket in her hand.
Of course, all this exclamation did was cause Jacob to chuckle at her reaction.
I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion to tap the birdie back to the other side. Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she missed.
Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling.
We all hated gym, Emmett especially. Throwing games was an affront to his personal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usual - I felt just as irritated as Emmett always did.
Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the games and sent us out early. I was ridiculously grateful that he'd skipped breakfast - a fresh attempt to diet - and the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find a greasy lunch somewhere. He promised himself he would start over tomorrow...
"Yeah, right... I believe him," Jacob rolled his eyes.
This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bella's class ended.
Enjoy yourself, Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper. Just a few days more to be patient. I suppose you won't say hi to Bella for me, will you?
I shook my head, exasperated. Were all psychics so smug?
FYI, it's going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans.
"He's not going to cancel, is he?" Bella frowned, that would be devastating to her.
I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction. Smug, but definitely useful.
I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting. I was close enough that I could hear Jessica's voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts.
"You're not sitting with us today, are you?" She looks all...lit up. I bet there's tons she didn't tell me.
"Oh, you have no idea," Jacob chuckled.
"I don't think so," Bella answered, oddly unsure.
Hadn't I promised to spend lunch with her? What was she thinking?
"Sorry, you don't get to know that," Jacob laughed.
They came out of the class together, and both girls' eyes widened when they saw me. But I could only hear Jessica.
Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there's more going on here than she's telling me. Maybe I'll call her tonight... Or maybe I shouldn't encourage her. Huh. I hope he moves past her in a hurry. Mike is cute but...wow.
Again, Bella's voice turned a little angry and Jacob had to laugh at that.
"See you later, Bella."
Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones.
I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind her hesitation. Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. More than he likes me. Absurd!
"You know, if he annoys you so much, you don't have to like him," Jacob said.
"It's too late for that, Jake," Bella said. "And his thoughts can be annoying, but that doesn't make me like him any less."
"Hello," I said, my voice a tad curt.
Her face got brighter. "Hi."
She didn't seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria and she walked silently beside me.
The jacket had worked - her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. I could ignore it more easily than I once would have believed possible.
Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she looked down as if she were embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers - the gossip was verbal as well as mental today.
"Argh," Bella groaned, she wasn't sure if she noticed the other people or not, but she didn't like hearing it now. Then her mind drifted as she thought about the attention she now knew she was going to get in soon on her first day of school.
Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that she was in trouble. She didn't say anything until I was assembling her lunch. I didn't know what she liked - not yet - so I grabbed one of everything.
"What are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice. "You're not getting all that for me?"
"Why are you complaining... it's free food," Jacob said, incredulously.
Bella shrugged, she was sure he wouldn't understand her reason.
I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to the register. "Half is for me, of course."
She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food and escorted her to the table we'd sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like much more than a few days. Everything was different now.
She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.
"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.
She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.
"I'm curious."
What a surprise.
"Yes... it is rather shocking," Jacob chuckled and Bella rolled her eyes.
"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears were paying attention. I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier...
"Oh great," Bella said, suddenly looking very self-conscious; she had a feeling the others weren't going to like this.
"You're always curious," I complained. Oh well. It wasn't like I hadn't had to eat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.
I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bite off a small bite of whatever it was.
"I wasn't actually asking you to eat it," Bella rolled her eyes. "A verbal answer would have been enough."
Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was as slimy and chunky and repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep the grimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat.
I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later. Disgusting.
"That is disgusting... and something that we didn't need to hear about," Jacob said.
Bella's expression was shocked. Impressed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.
"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"
Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once...on a dare. It wasn't so bad."
Jacob laughed at that. "Why?"
"It was a dare," Bella said as if it was obviously, the all too common blush was coloring her checks again.
I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."
They look cozy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks...perfect. Jessica sighed. Yum.
I met Jessica's curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her.
Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy...
"Yeah, you do that," Bella said.
"Jessica's analyzing everything I do," I informed Bella. "She'll break it down for you later."
I pushed the plate of food back towards her - pizza, I realized - wondering how best to begin. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that.
She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was.
"Why? Is there something wrong with the pizza?" Bella wondered.
"I doubt it, he wouldn't give you anything that could have the slightest possibility of being dangerous," Jacob chuckled.
Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous - not that sharing food would hurt her. Still, I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did - at least, not in a negative way...
I would start off gently.
"So the waitress was pretty, was she?"
She raised the eyebrow again. "You really didn't notice?"
As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.
"If you don't say things like that to me, how am I supposed to know that's what you're thinking?" Bella muttered.
"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind." Not the least of which had been the soft cling of her thin blouse...
Good thing she'd worn that ugly sweater today.
"Poor girl," Bella said, smiling.
She liked that I hadn't found the waitress interesting in any way. I could understand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology room?
She couldn't honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen short mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building up in me for a century.
Bella grimaced, when he said it like that it made sense and yet it hurt that he couldn't perceive how much she liked him.
"Something you said to Jessica..." I couldn't keep my voice casual. "Well, it bothers me."
She was immediately on the defensive. "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers."
Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, that was the saying.
"I warned you I would be listening," I reminded her.
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."
Ah, she was thinking of when I'd made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker.
"You did. You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking - everything. I just wish...that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
"Um... he's being confusing again," Jacob said.
More half-lies. I knew I shouldn't want her to care about me. But I did. Of course I did.
"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.
"But that's not really the point at the moment."
"Then what is?"
She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew my eye - distracted me. How soft that skin must feel...
Focus, I commanded myself.
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I asked. The question sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.
Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinking quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.
"You're doing it again," she murmured.
"What?"
"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.
"What did he do to dazzle you?" Jacob asked and Bella shrugged... how could she know?
"Oh." Hmm. I wasn't quite sure what to do about that. Nor was I sure that I didn't want to dazzle her. I was still thrilled that I could. But it wasn't helping the progression of the conversation.
"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."
"Are you going to answer my question?" I demanded.
She stared at the table. "Yes."
That was all she said.
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.
More chuckling from Jacob and this time Bella joined him.
"Yes, I really think that," she said without looking up. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to worry her lip.
Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she truly believed it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm her feelings before I'd confirmed my own. It didn't matter that I felt I'd make my side abundantly clear. It hadn't gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.
"You're so right, man, how could you be so hypocritical?" Jacob stated. "And I thought you were a gentleman."
"You're wrong," I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.
Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that," she whispered.
She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn't hear her thoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating mine.
"Hmph," Bella said. Yes, she was underestimating his feelings, that was clear to her, but him thinking that he wasn't doing the same thing... he didn't know how much she cared about him. She didn't know how much her book self cared about him, but it had to be more than she did right now reading this book, and she knew that she already cared about him a lot.
"What makes you think so?" I wondered.
She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips. For the millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her.
I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but she held up a finger to keep me from speaking.
"Let me think," she requested.
As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.
"I don't believe you," Jacob chuckled.
Or I could pretend to be.
And he laughed smugly at that.
She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. She was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.
"Well, aside from the obvious," she murmured. "Sometimes... I can't be sure - I don't know how to read minds - but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.
"No way... never does anything like that," Jacob said sarcastically.
She'd caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?
"Perceptive," I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though - " I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation.
They bothered me, though I wasn't sure I understood exactly. "What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"
"Well, look at me," she said.
"There is nothing wrong with the way you look," Jacob said to her, there was no joking in his voice as he said this.
Bella blushed a little with the sincerity of his voice.
I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?
"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for the bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn't worth spelling out.
She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful...most exquisite...
Bella blushed, but she knew that was too much to say... he was only thinking that because he liked her... still it wasn't so bad that he was thinking that.
"Looks aren't everything, Bells," Jacob said, "and you have both looks and a good heart..."
"Stop, Jake," Bella said, he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.
Those words weren't even enough.
And she had no idea.
"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I told her. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things..." I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who haunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing.
Bella rolled her eyes; of course he would think that.
Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. "But you didn't hear what every human male was thinking on your first day."
Bella shivered, she didn't want to hear that either.
Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they'd turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.
I was the one she said yes to.
My smile must have been smug.
Her face was blank with surprise. "I don't believe it," she mumbled.
"Trust me just this once - you are the opposite of ordinary."
Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.
She wasn't used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would just have to get used to. She flushed, and changed the subject.
"Well, that one is going to be more difficult," Bella mumbled.
"But I'm not saying goodbye."
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it..." Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. "If leaving is the right thing to do..." And it had to be the right thing, didn't it? There was no reckless angel. Bella didn't belong with me. "Then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
"But it wouldn't stop from hurting me," Bella mumbled softly, almost painfully as she thought of that.
As I said the words, I willed them to be true.
She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. "And you don't think I would do the same?" she demanded furiously.
"Would you?" Jacob asked.
Bella looked thoughtful for a moment; she was so lost in Edward's thoughts that it was hard to gather her own. "Yes, if I knew it was better for him... I would have to, wouldn't I?" she said, but she was shaking her head at the same time, she knew it couldn't be better for him if she left so it was ridiculous to even think of that.
So furious - so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? "You'd never have to make the choice," I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference between us.
She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.
There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.
"I have a guardian vampire and that's better," Bella said.
"Um... that doesn't sound better to me," Jacob shook his head and Bella just shrugged.
Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.
I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."
She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.
"Yet," I added dryly.
"Yet," she agreed to my surprise. I'd expected her to deny any need for protection.
How could he? That selfish jackass! How could he do this to us? Rosalie's piercing mental shriek broke through my concentration.
Bella flinched as she read this... at the hostility in Rosalie's thoughts.
"Shut up, Blondie," Jacob hissed.
"Easy, Rose," I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side - restraining her.
Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. She could tell Bella knew too much from your conversation...and, well, it would have been worse if I hadn't told her the truth right away. Trust me on that.
I winced at the mental picture that followed, at what would have happened if I'd told Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire at home, where Rosalie didn't have a fa?ade to keep up. I'd have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didn't calm down by the time school was over. The sight of my favorite car, mangled and burning, was upsetting - though I knew I'd earned the retribution.
"Still... you don't have to take it out on the car," Jacob said horrified, and there was a longing look in his head that stated clearly that he wanted to see said car.
Jasper was not much happier.
Bella flinched again.
I'd deal with the others later. I only had so much time allotted to be to be with Bella, and I wasn't going to waste it. And hearing Alice had reminded me that I had some business to attend to.
"I have another question for you," I said, tuning out Rosalie's mental hysterics.
"Shoot," Bella said, smiling.
"Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all your admirers?"
She grimaced at me. "You know, I haven't forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet. It's your fault that he's deluded himself into thinking I'm going to prom with him."
"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me - I just really wanted to watch your face."
"Jerk," Bella muttered.
I laughed now, remembering her aghast expression. Nothing I'd ever told her about my own dark story had ever made her look so horrified. The truth didn't frighten her. She wanted to be with me. Mind-boggling.
"If I'd asked you, would you have turned me down?"
"Probably not," she said. "But I would have cancelled later - faked an illness or a sprained ankle."
How strange. "Why would you do that?"
Jacob chuckled and Bella rolled her eyes; the answer was so obvious.
"He calls you absurd for missing things but this guy is even worse," Jacob laughed.
She shook her head, as if she was disappointed that I did not understand at once.
"You've never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought that you would understand."
Ah. "Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?"
"Obviously."
"That wouldn't be a problem. It's all in the leading."
For a brief fraction of a second, I was overwhelmed by the idea of holding her in my arms at a dance - where she would surely wear something pretty and delicate rather than this hideous sweater.
Bella grimaced; she would have to get rid of that sweater.
With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after I'd thrown her out of the way of the oncoming van. Stronger than the panic or the desperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation. She'd been so warm and so soft, fitting easily into my own stone shape...
I wrenched myself back from the memory.
"But you never told me - " I said quickly, preventing her from arguing with me about her clumsiness, as she clearly intended to do. "Are you resolved on going to Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different?"
"As long as it's with you, anything is fine," Bella smiled.
Devious - giving her a choice without giving her the option of getting away from me for the day. Hardly fair of me. But I had made her a promise last night...and I liked the idea of fulfilling it - almost as much as that idea terrified me.
The sun would be shining Saturday. I could show her the real me, if I was brave enough to endure her horror and disgust. I knew just the place to take such a risk...
Bella was really smiling now... she wanted to know more about what he looked like in the sun.
"I'm open to alternatives," Bella said. "But I do have a favor to ask."
A qualified yes. What would she want from me?
"What?"
"Can I drive?"
Was this her idea of humor?
"Nope," Jacob shook his head.
"Why?"
"Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn't lie, but I don't think he will ask again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens me."
"I knew that last bit would come up," Jacob chuckled.
I rolled my eyes at her. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving." Truly, her brain worked backwards. I shook my head, disgusted.
Edward, Alice called urgently.
Suddenly I was staring into a bright circle of sunlight, caught up in one of Alice's visions.
It was a place I knew well, the place I'd just considered taking Bella - a little meadow where no one ever went beside myself. A quiet, pretty place where I could count on being alone - far enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mind could have peace and quiet.
Alice recognized it, too, because she had seen me there not so long ago in another vision - one of those flickering, indistinct visions that Alice had shown me the morning I'd saved Bella from the van.
"No!" Jacob said, knowing where this was going. "You can't go there."
"It's not going to happen, Jake," Bella said, she too, knew where this was going.
"Bella..." Jacob started to say.
"Let me just keep reading," Bella interrupted and stated reading again.
In that flickering vision, I hadn't been alone. And now it was clear - Bella was with me there. So I was brave enough. She stared at me, rainbows dancing across her face, her eyes fathomless.
It's the same place, Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the vision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, the same place?
Both Jacob and Bella shivered, knowing what place Alice had to mean.
And then I saw it.
Edward! Alice protested shrilly. I love her, Edward!
I shut her out viciously.
She didn't love Bella the way I did. Her vision was impossible. Wrong. She was blinded somehow, seeing impossibilities.
Not even a half a second had passed. Bella was looking curiously at my face, waiting for me to approve her request. Had she seen the flash of dread, or had it been too quick for her?
I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, pushing Alice and her flawed, lying visions far from my thoughts. They didn't deserve my attention.
"If it's not a flawed vision..." Jacob started, gritting his teeth.
"It is," Bella said, her voice calm though she was a little afraid. "Edward won't let it be."
"Does he even have a choice?" Jacob hissed at her.
"He muddled up Alice's visions before," Bella said. "When he stopped talking to me... he'll do it again."
"Right," Jacob said, not believing it, but hoping it was true.
I wasn't able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though.
"Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?" I asked, darkness seeping into my voice.
I shoved at the visions again, trying to push them farther away, to keep them from flickering through my head.
"With Charlie, less is always more," Bella said, certain of this fact. "Where are we going, anyway?"
"You should tell him at least," Jacob said.
Alice was wrong. Dead wrong. There was no chance of that. And it was just an old vision, invalid now. Things had changed.
"Right," Jacob said again, in his non-believing hopeful tone, and then added stiffly, "but that doesn't mean you should take her to this meadow of yours."
"The weather will be nice," I told her slowly, fighting the panic and indecision.
Alice was wrong. I would continue as if I hadn't heard or seen anything. "So I'll be staying out of the public eye...and you can stay with me, if you'd like to."
Bella caught the significance at once; her eyes were bright and eager. "And you'll show me what you meant, about the sun?"
Maybe, like so many times before, her reaction would be the opposite of what I expected. I smiled at that possibility, struggling to return to the lighter moment. "Yes. But..." She hadn't said yes. "If you don't want to be...alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size."
Her lips pressed together; she was offended.
The Bella who was reading the book wasn't offended by this... she was too busy worrying about what was going to happen next to be offended.
"Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle - just in population. In physical size - "
"But apparently your number wasn't up in Phoenix," I said, cutting off her justifications. "So I'd rather you stayed with me."
She could stay forever and it would not be long enough.
I shouldn't think that way. We didn't have forever. The passing seconds counted more than they ever had before; each second changed her while I remained untouched.
Bella grimaced... that sounded so sad, the way that he described her changing every second...
Jacob grimaced, it sounded liked Edward wanted her to be a vampire... or at least part of him wanted that so that she would always be by his side.
"As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you," she said.
No - because her instincts were backwards.
"I know." I sighed. "You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?" she asked, sounding horrified.
"Because it's the right thing to do," Jacob said.
"So you always tell Billy where you go?" Bella questioned.
"Um..." Jacob said.
"That's what I thought," Bella said.
"I don't..." Jacob started, but Bella had started reading again.
I glared at her, the visions I couldn't quite manage to repress swirling sickeningly through my head.
"To give me some small incentive to bring you back," I hissed. She should give me that much - one witness to compel me to be cautious.
Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now?
"Oh," Bella said and then looked thoughtful. "Maybe she did it so that you would be on guard... that you wouldn't be careless there."
"You think?" Jacob asked.
"It's a possibility," Bella shrugged.
Bella swallowed loudly, and stared at me for a long moment. What did she see?
"I think I'll take my chances," she said.
Ugh! Did she get some thrill out of risking her life? Some shot of adrenaline she craved?
"I'm not some kind of adrenaline junky," Bella rolled her eyes.
I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance. Beside her, Rosalie was glowering furiously, but I couldn't have cared less. Let her destroy the car. It was just a toy.
"Let's talk about something else," Bella suggested suddenly.
I looked back at her, wondering how she could be so oblivious to what really mattered. Why wouldn't she see me for the monster I was?
Because it's better to see you as the good man that you are, Bella thought to herself, not sure if Jacob would want to hear something like that, with the attitude he had right now.
"What do you want to talk about?"
Her eyes darted to the left and then the right, as if checking to make sure there were no eavesdroppers. She must be planning to introduce another myth-related topic.
Her eyes froze for a second and her body stiffened, and then she looked back to me.
"Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend...to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears."
So oblivious. I stared at her, raising one eyebrow.
"How did you miss that one?" Jacob tried to chuckle.
"Because it's bears... how could something that looks so human hunt bears?" Bella said.
"Bears?" she gasped.
I smiled wryly, watching that sink in. Would this make her take me seriously?
Would anything?
She pulled her expression together. "You know, bears are not in season," she said severely, narrowing her eyes.
"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons."
She lost control over her face again for a moment. Her lips fell open.
"Bears?" she said again, a tentative question this time rather than a gasp of shock.
"Grizzly is Emmett's favorite."
I watched her eyes, seeing this settle in.
"Hmm," she murmured. She took a bite of the pizza, looking down. She chewed thoughtfully, and then took a drink.
"What are you thinking?" Jacob asked.
"Don't know," Bella said.
"So," she said, finally looking up. "What's your favorite?"
I supposed I should have expected something like that, but I hadn't. Bella was always interesting, at the very least.
"That was a great compliment," Jacob said and Bella rolled her eyes.
"Mountain lion," I answered brusquely.
"Really?" Bella said, the idea of hunting a mountain lion seemed scary too... but she remembered how Emmett had hunted the bear... they couldn't be hurt by animals.
"Ah," she said in a neutral tone. Her heartbeat continued steady and even, as if we were discussing a favorite restaurant.
Fine, then. If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual...
"Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting," I told her, my voice detached and clinical. "We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators - ranging as far away as we need. There's always plenty of deer and elk here, and they'll do, but where's the fun in that?"
She listened with a politely interested expression, as if I were a teacher giving a lecture. I had to smile.
"Where indeed," she murmured calmly, taking another bite of pizza.
"Early spring is Emmett's favorite bear season," I said, continuing with the lecture. "They're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable."
Seventy years later, and he still hadn't gotten over losing that first match.
"Yeah well, he basically died, didn't he? I wouldn't have gotten over that quickly either," Jacob said.
"Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear," Bella agreed, nodding solemnly.
Jacob snorted. "You are so weird."
I couldn't hold back a chuckle as I shook my head at her illogical calm. It had to be put on. "Tell me what you're really thinking, please."
"I'm trying to picture it - but I can't," she said, the crease appearing between her eyes. "How to you hunt a bear without weapons?"
"It's not difficult at all for them," Bella answered.
"Oh, we have weapons," I told her, and then flashed her a wide smile. I expected her to recoil, but she was very still, watching me. "Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting."
She glanced toward the table where the others sat, and shuddered.
Finally. And then I laughed at myself, because I knew part of me was wishing she would stay oblivious.
Her dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now. "Are you like a bear, too?" she asked in an almost-whisper.
"More like the lion, or so they tell me," I told her, striving to sound detached again. "Perhaps our preferences are indicative."
"That's an interesting theory," Bella said. "I wonder how the others hunt and what their preferences are."
Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners. "Perhaps," she repeated. And then her head leaned to the side, and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes. "Is that something I might get to see?"
"NO!" Jacob said.
"Why... it's not that bad?" Bella said.
"It would be very dangerous for you to be there," Jacob said. "I mean beyond dangerous... don't you get it, you're his prey."
"Jacob..." Bella started.
"I get that he doesn't want that to be the case, but that doesn't change the fact that you've got to be a hell of a lot more appealing than any of those animals he would be hunting," Jacob said.
"Right," Bella gulped, that did sound dangerous.
I didn't need pictures from Alice to illustrate this horror - my imagination was quite enough.
"Absolutely not," I snarled at her.
She jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened.
I leaned back, too, wanting to put space between us. She was never going to see, was she? She wouldn't do one thing to help me keep her alive.
Jacob grimaced at Bella as she rolled her eyes at Edward's comment.
"Too scary for me?" she asked, her voice even. Her heart, however, was still moving in double time.
"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," I retorted through my teeth. "You need a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you."
"Then why?" she demanded, undeterred.
I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid. I was afraid. I could imagine only too clearly having Bella near when I hunted...
Her eyes remained curious, impatient, nothing more. She waited for her answer, not giving in.
But our hour was up.
"Later," I snapped, and I rose to my feet. "We're going to be late."
She looked around herself, disoriented, like she'd forgotten we were at lunch.
Like she'd forgotten we were even at school - surprised that we were not alone in some private place. I understood that feeling exactly. It was hard to remember the rest of the world when I was with her.
She got up quickly, bobbling once, and threw her bag over her shoulder.
"Later, then," she said, and I could see the determination in the set of her mouth she would hold me to that.
"Which means she's going to bring this up later," Jacob said.
"That's the end of the chapter," Bella said.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-16 23:48
12. Complications
"Complications," Jacob read. "I don't like the sound of that."
"I'm sure it's not as bad as it sounds," Bella shrugged.
Bella and I walked silently to biology. I was trying to focus myself on the moment, on the girl beside me, on what was real and solid, on anything that would keep Alice's deceitful, meaningless visions out of my head.
"It's not meaningless," Jacob muttered, "don't underestimate it."
We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignment with a boy from her Trigonometry class. I scanned her thoughts perfunctorily, expecting more disappointment, only to be surprised by their wistful tenor.
Ah, so there was something Angela wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that could be easily gift-wrapped.
"She must like the guy," Bella said.
"This should be interesting," Jacob chuckled.
"It will only work if the guy likes her back though," Bella said.
"But Angela is cool... who wouldn't like her," Jacob said.
I felt strangely comforted for a moment, hearing Angela's hopeless yearning. A sense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me, and I was, in that second, at one with the kind human girl.
"What does he mean by that... your yearning isn't hopeless, Edward!" Bella huffed.
It was oddly consoling to know that I wasn't the only one living out a tragic love story. Heartbreak was everywhere.
"Argh," Bella groaned. "Only if you keep thinking that way."
In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated. Because Angela's story didn't have to be tragic. She was human and he was human and the difference that seemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous compared to my own situation. There was no point in her broken heart. What a wasteful sadness, when there was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted.
"Yeah, wasteful," Bella muttered, thinking that Edward's was wasteful too, though he did have more of a reason to be so cautious.
Why shouldn't she have what she wanted? Why shouldn't this one story have a happy ending?
I wanted to give her a gift... Well, I would give her what she wanted. Knowing what I did of human nature, it probably wouldn't even be very difficult. I sifted through the consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affections, and he did not seem unwilling, he was just stymied by the same difficulty she was. Hopeless and resigned, the way she was.
"Come on, people, have faith in yourselves," Jacob said.
Bella, however, was thoughtful. She wondered if this was a mirror of how she and Edward felt... both of them not fully realizing what they other felt. She was sure that her book self couldn't have known how much he loved her... there was no possible way for her to know that. And she could see clearly that Edward didn't understand how much she lo... er... however she felt about him.
She stopped that train of thought as something else seemed to go through her. She was wondering how strongly did she feel about this guy that she had yet to meet... and she longed for that meeting to happen already. Jacob started reading then, drawing her concentration back to the book.
All I would have to do was plant the suggestion...
The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without effort on my part. I would need Emmett's help - getting him to go along with this was the only real difficulty.
Human nature was so much easier to manipulate than vampire nature.
"You've got to watch out for this guy, Bells, he's definitely a speciesist," Jacob said.
"Whatever," Bella rolled her eyes.
I was pleased with my solution, with my gift for Angela. It was a nice diversion from my own problems. Would that mine were as easily fixed.
My mood was slightly improved as Bella and I took our seats. Maybe I should be more positive. Maybe there was some solution out there for us that was escaping me, the way Angela's obvious solution was so invisible to her. Not likely... But why waste time with hopelessness? I didn't have time to waste when it came to Bella. Each second mattered.
Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR. He was skipping through a section he wasn't particularly interested in - genetic disorders - by showing a movie for the next three days. Lorenzo's Oil was not a very cheerful piece, but that didn't stop the excitement in the room. No notes, no test-able material. Three free days. The humans exulted.
"It sounds kind of boring to me," Bella mumbled and Jacob looked at her oddly.
It didn't matter to me, either way. I hadn't been planning on paying any attention to anything but Bella.
I did not pull my chair away from hers today, to give myself space to breathe.
Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would. Closer than we sat inside my car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat from her skin.
"I get it! She's hot!" Jacob said and laughed when Bella blushed and glared at him.
It was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking, but I preferred this to sitting across the table from her. It was more than I was used to, and yet I quickly realized that it was not enough. I was not satisfied. Being this close to her only made me want to be closer still. The pull was stronger the closer I got.
I had accused her of being a magnet for danger. Right now, it felt like that was the literal truth.
Bella rolled her eyes but chuckled at this.
I was danger, and, with every inch I allowed myself nearer to her, her attraction grew in force.
And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out.
It was odd how much of a difference this made, considering that the lack of light meant little to my eyes. I could still see just as perfectly as before. Every detail of the room was clear.
"That's cool," Jacob said. "I wish I could see in the dark like that."
So why the sudden shock of electricity in the air, in this dark that was not dark to me?
"Shock of electricity?" Bella raised an eyebrow. What was he talking about and why did that make her think of the first time he touched her in the second chapter (the first time he talked to her in the books)?
Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly? That both Bella and I were invisible to the others? Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden in the dark room, sitting so close beside one another...
My hand moved toward her without my permission. Just to touch her hand, to hold it in the darkness. Would that be such a horrific mistake? If my skin bothered her, she only had to pull away...
I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched my hands closed. No mistakes. I'd promised myself that I would make no mistakes, no matter how minimal they seemed. If I held her hand, I would only want more - another insignificant touch, another move closer to her. I could feel that. A new kind of desire was growing in me, working to override my self-control.
Jacob and Bella were thinking the complete opposite thing here.
No mistakes.
Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up into fists, just like mine.
"You feeling this too, aren't you?" Jacob questioned, "and I know it didn't happen..."
"Yeah, I think I am feeling this," Bella answer before he could say any more. "I wonder what it means."
"It seems like you're calling to each other somehow," Jacob said, and then he bit his lip. It seemed like some kind of instinctual reaction that went way beyond human... whatever that means.
What are you thinking? I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the room was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation.
The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up at me. She noted the rigid way I held my body - just like hers - and smiled. Her lips parted slightly, and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.
Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see.
I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away.
That made it worse. I didn't know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that I had been right before, and that she wanted me to touch her. She felt this dangerous desire just as I did.
Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.
Bella blushed, still not sure what this all meant, but had a good idea. She was also wondering what would happen if he did touch her.
She didn't move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I held mine. Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would jolt through me with a sudden shock.
"Um... stop looking at him," Jacob said.
"I doubt I can help it," Bella said. "Besides, he's looking at me nonstop... I should be allowed to look too."
The hour passed - slowly, and yet not slowly enough. This was so new, I could have sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully.
"So the electricity was pleasant," Jacob said.
"Apparently," Bella said evenly, but she was still blushing.
I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed, rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her.
Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again.
In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal.
Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her. It must have been uncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long. It was easier for me - stillness came naturally.
"So now you're trying to mimic the vampires," Jacob said shaking his head, trying to laugh.
"Well, they are the coolest thing around," Bella smiled when he made a face at that.
I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face. "Well, that was interesting."
"Umm," she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making no comment. What I wouldn't give to hear what she was thinking right now.
"I would like to know that too," Bella said.
"I wouldn't have guessed that by your smug expression," Jacob chuckled.
I sighed. No amount of wishing was going to help with that.
Both Bella and Jacob were chuckling at that.
"Shall we?" I asked, standing.
She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if she were afraid she was going to fall.
I could offer her my hand. Or I could place that hand underneath her elbow - just lightly - and steady her. Surely that wouldn't be such a horrible infraction...
No mistakes.
"How would that be a mistake?" Bella questioned.
"Even with hearing his thoughts, I can't really understand most of his thinking," Jacob shrugged. "Though it's clear that he's afraid of touching you."
She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was in evidence between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I, too, was thinking deeply.
One touch of her skin wouldn't hurt her, my selfish side contended.
I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand. It wasn't exactly difficult, as long as I was firmly in control of myself. My tactile sense was better developed than a human's; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I could stroke a soap bubble without popping it. As long as I was firmly in control...
"And you're always in control, so it will be fine," Bella said.
"He's not always in control... we've seen him out of control," Jacob said anxiously.
Bella just frowned at that and Jacob read on.
Bella was like a soap bubble - fragile and ephemeral. Temporary.
How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life? How much time did I have? Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this second?
She would not always be within my arm's reach...
Bella turned to face me at the gym's door, and her eyes widened at the expression on my face. She didn't speak. I looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and saw the conflict raging in my own. I watched my face change as my better side lost the argument.
"Who's to say what the better said is, Edward?" Bella mumbled to herself but Jacob heard.
My hand lifted without a conscious command for it to do so. As gently as if she were made of the thinnest glass, as if she were fragile as a bubble, my fingers stroked the warm skin that covered her cheekbone. It heated under my touch, and I could feel the pulse of blood speed beneath her transparent skin.
Enough, I ordered, though my hand was aching to shape itself to the side of her face. Enough.
"He doesn't sound too controlled now," Jacob muttered.
"He's touch is gentle... it's not hurting me," Bella said.
"But his mind doesn't seem to have control over his actions," Jacob countered. "His instincts do."
"And what instinct is he following now?" Bella raised her eyebrows. "It's not to hurt me."
"Right," Jacob mumbled, "but there still is an instinct in him that wants to hurt you... don't forget that."
"I won't," Bella sighed. "But that isn't the only instinct he has towards me now."
It was difficult to pull my hand back, to stop myself from moving closer to her than I already was. A thousand different possibilities ran through my mind in an instant - a thousand different ways to touch her. The tip of my finger tracing the shape of her lips. My palm cupping under her chin. Pulling the clip from her hair and letting it spill out across my hand. My arms winding around her waist, holding her against the length of my body.
Enough.
I forced myself to turn, to move away from her. My body moved stiffly - unwilling.
I let my mind linger behind to watch her as I walked swiftly away, almost running from the temptation. I caught Mike Newton's thoughts - they were the loudest - while he watched Bella walk past him in oblivion, her eyes unfocused and her cheeks red. He glowered and suddenly my name was mingled with curses in his head; I couldn't help grinning slightly in response.
"Too bad Mikey," Jacob said, trying to chuckle again.
My hand was tingling. I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued to sting painlessly.
No, I hadn't hurt her - but touching her had still been a mistake.
It felt like fire - like the thirsting burn of my throat had spread throughout my entire body.
The next time I was close to her, would I be able to stop myself from touching her again? And if I touched her once, would I be able to stop at that?
"Yes," Bella answered, there was no doubt in her, though Jacob wasn't totally convinced.
No more mistakes. That was it. Savor the memory, Edward, I told myself grimly, and keep your hands to yourself. That, or I would have to force myself to leave...somehow. Because I couldn't allow myself near her if I insisted on making errors.
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my thoughts.
Emmett caught up to me outside the English building.
"Hey, Edward." He's looking better. Weird, but better. Happy.
"Ah... and him being happy is weird," Jacob chuckled.
"Hey, Em." Did I look happy? I supposed, despite the chaos in my head, I felt that way.
Way to keep your mouth shut, kid. Rosalie wants to rip your tongue out.
"I like to see her try... and then get beaten down," Jacob chuckled.
"That's not very nice," Bella glared at him and he shrugged.
I sighed. "Sorry I left you to deal with that. Are you angry with me?"
"Naw. Rose'll get over it. It was bound to happen anyway." With what Alice sees coming...
"Don't mention that," Jacob flinched.
Alice's visions were not what I wanted to think about right now. I stared forward, my teeth locking together.
As I searched for a distraction, I caught sight of Ben Cheney entering the Spanish room ahead of us. Ah - here was my chance to give Angela Weber her gift.
"Ben Cheney," Bella mumbled and got out her year book to look at him. He was cute enough, though not her type at all. Still she studied the picture, if Angela and Ben liked each other she wanted them to be together in this reality, too. She thought that things might be different now that she knew what Edward was thinking about her, so she might have to be the one to help Ben and Angela out... argh... that wasn't really her strong point. Oh well, it will have to happen someway.
I stopped walking and caught Emmett's arm. "Hold on a second."
What's up?
"I know I don't deserve it, but would you do me a favor anyway?"
"What is it?" he asked, curious.
Under my breath - and at a speed that would have made the words incomprehensible to a human no matter how loud they'd been spoken - I explained to him what I wanted.
He stared at me blankly when I was done, his thoughts as blank as his face.
"That sound interesting," Jacob chuckled.
"So?" I prompted. "Will you help me do it?"
It took him a minute to respond. "But, why?"
"C'mon, Emmett. Why not?"
Who are you and what have you done with my brother?
Bella and Jacob both chuckled at this.
"Aren't you the one who complains that school is always the same? This is something a little different, isn't it? Consider it an experiment - an experiment in human nature."
He stared at me for another moment before he caved. "Well, it is different, I'll give you that... Okay, fine." Emmett snorted and then shrugged. "I'll help you."
I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was on board. Rosalie was a pain, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no one had a better brother than mine.
"Aw," Jacob said in teasing voice but Bella smiled at what Edward had just said.
Emmett didn't need to practice. I whispered his lines to him once under my breath as we walked into the classroom.
Ben was already in his seat behind mine, assembling his homework to hand in.
Emmett and I both sat and did the same thing. The classroom was not quiet yet; the murmur of subdued conversation would continue until Mrs. Goff called for attention.
She was in no hurry, appraising the quizzes from the last class.
"So," Emmett said, his voice louder than necessary - if he were really speaking only to me. "Did you ask Angela Weber out yet?"
"Oh... I get it," Jacob said laughing. "This should work."
The sound of papers rustling behind me came to an abrupt stop as Ben froze, his attention suddenly riveted on our conversation.
Angela? They're talking about Angela?
"Hm... it definitely makes it easy that Edward knows what he's thinking," Bella muttered.
Good. I had his interest.
"No," I said, shaking my head slowly to appear regretful.
"Why not?" Emmett improvised. "Are you chicken?"
I grimaced at him. "No. I heard that she was interested in someone else."
Edward Cullen was going to ask Angela out? But... No. I don't like that. I don't want him near her. He's...not right for her. Not...safe.
"You got that right," Jacob chuckled and Bella glared at him. "What? You want him to go out with Angela?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Bella rolled her eyes and Jacob laughed louder.
I hadn't anticipated the chivalry, the protective instinct. I'd been working for jealousy. But whatever worked.
"You're going to let that stop you?" Emmett asked scornfully, improvising again.
Jacob laughed even more at that.
"Not up for the competition?"
I glared at him, but made use of what he gave me. "Look, I guess she really likes this Ben person. I'm not going to try to convince her otherwise. There are other girls."
The reaction in the chair behind me was electric.
"Who?" Emmett asked, back to the script.
"My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney. I'm not sure I know who he is."
"That's rude... the guy's right behind you," Jacob muttered.
"Um... Jake, that's the point," Bella said.
"I know," Jacob rolled his eyes. "I'm just saying it makes him sound like a stuck up..."
"Whatever," Bella rolled her eyes.
I bit back my smile. Only the haughty Cullens could get away with pretending not to know every student at this tiny school.
Ben's head was whirling with shock. Me? Over Edward Cullen? But why would she like me?
"Edward," Emmett muttered in a lower tone, rolling his eyes toward the boy.
"He's right behind you," he mouthed, so obviously that the human could easily read the words.
"Oh," I muttered back.
Jacob and Bella were laughing at this again.
I turned in my seat and glanced once at the boy behind me. For a second, the black eyes behind the glasses were frightened, but then he stiffened and squared his narrow shoulders, affronted by my clearly disparaging evaluation. His chin shot out and an angry flush darkened his golden-brown skin.
"Huh," I said arrogantly as I turned back to Emmett.
He thinks he's better than me. But Angela doesn't. I'll show him...
"Well, there's that problem solved," Jacob chuckled.
Perfect.
"Didn't you say she was taking Yorkie to the dance, though?" Emmett asked, snorting as he said the name of the boy that many scorned for his awkwardness.
"That was a group decision apparently." I wanted to be sure that Ben was clear on this. "Angela's shy. If B - well, if a guy doesn't have the nerve to ask her out, she'd never ask him."
"You like shy girls," Emmett said, back to improvisation. Quiet girls. Girls like...hmm, I don't know. Maybe Bella Swan?
Jacob laughed at this line of teasing as Bella blushed.
I grinned at him. "Exactly." Then I returned to the performance. "Maybe Angela will get tired of waiting. Maybe I'll ask her to the prom."
No, you won't, Ben thought, straightening up in his chair. So what if she's so much taller than me?
"Oh... it's because he's short... poor guy," Jacob chuckled.
"I suppose that's not a problem you have to deal with," Bella said, Jacob seemed pretty tall for his age.
"Not at all," Jacob said. "I think I might even have grown an inch since yesterday."
"Sure you did, Jake," Bella rolled her eyes.
If she doesn't care, then neither do I. She's the nicest, smartest, prettiest girl in this school... and she wants me.
I liked this Ben. He seemed bright and well-meaning. Maybe even worthy of a girl like Angela.
"Well, it looks like there're three humans that he might think highly of," Jacob chuckled.
I gave Emmett a thumbs up under the desk as Mrs. Goff stood and greeted the class.
Okay, I'll admit it - that was sort of fun, Emmett thought.
I smiled to myself, pleased that I'd been able to shape one love story's happy ending. I was positive that Ben would follow through, and Angela would receive my anonymous gift. My debt was repaid.
How silly humans were, to let a six inch height differential confound their happiness.
"That is a pretty big difference," Jacob said. "That guy must be a midget."
"Jake!" Bella reprimanded him.
"Sorry," Jacob sighed.
My success put me in a good mood. I smiled again as I settled into my chair and prepared to be entertained. After all, as Bella had pointed out at lunch, I'd never seen her in action in her gym class before.
"No," Bella groaned and Jacob laughed in anticipation.
Mike's thoughts were the easiest to pinpoint in the babble of voices that swarmed through the gym. His mind had gotten far too familiar over the last few weeks. With a sigh, I resigned myself to listening through him. At least I could be sure that he would be paying attention to Bella.
I was just in time to hear him offer to be her badminton partner; as he made the suggestion, other partnerings ran through his mind. My smile faded, my teeth clenched together, and I had to remind myself that murdering Mike Newton was not a permissible option.
"Hm... I'm not so sure about that," Jacob laughed.
"It's not," Bella said firmly.
"Thanks, Mike - you don't have to do this, you know."
"Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way."
They grinned at each other, and flashes of numerous accidents - always in some way connected to Bella - flashed through Mike's head.
Jacob started chuckling and Bella groaned.
Mike played alone at first, while Bella hesitated on the back half of the court, holding her racket gingerly, as if it was some kind of weapon. Then Coach Clapp ambled by and ordered Mike to let Bella play.
"Why?" Bella moaned, didn't the coach understand yet?
Uh oh, Mike thought as Bella moved forward with a sigh, holding her racquet at an awkward angle.
Jennifer Ford served the birdie directly toward Bella with a smug twist to her thoughts. Mike saw Bella lurch toward it, swinging the racket yards wide of her target, and he rushed in to try to save the volley.
I watched the trajectory of Bella's racquet with alarm. Sure enough, it hit the taut net and sprung back at her, clipping her forehead before it spun out to strike Mike's arm with a resounding thwack.
Jacob was howling with laughed and Bella turned bright red and held her head in her hands. That was a new all time low for her.
"You really are awful," Jacob choked out some time later.
"Yeah, yeah, now can you continue reading," Bella tried to sound as if this wasn't bothering her, but she was still red and her voice was too weak to pull that off.
Ow. Ow. Ungh. That's going to leave a bruise.
"Good," Jacob said, his dying laughter starting again.
Bella was kneading her forehead. It was hard to stay in my seat where I belonged, knowing she was hurt. But what could I do, if I were there? And it didn't seem to be serious... I hesitated, watching. If she intended to continue to try to play, I was going to have to manufacture an excuse to pull her out of class.
"Overreaction," Bella rolled her eyes.
The coach laughed. "Sorry, Newton." That girl's the worst jinx I've ever seen. Shouldn't inflict her on the others...
More laughter for Jacob, but Bella was pleased that the coach seemed to get it better now.
He turned his back deliberately and moved to watch another game so that Bella could return to her former spectator's role.
Ow, Mike thought again, massaging his arm. He turned to Bella. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, are you?" she asked sheepishly, blushing.
"I think I'll make it." Don't want to sound like a crybaby. But, man, that hurts!
"Crybaby," Jacob laughed.
Mike swung his arm in a circle, wincing.
"I'll just stay back here," Bella said, embarrassment and chagrin on her face rather than pain. Maybe Mike had got the worst of it. I certainly hoped that was the case.
At least she wasn't playing anymore. She held her racquet so carefully behind her back, her eyes wide with remorse... I had to disguise my laugh as coughing.
What's funny? Emmett wanted to know.
"You know... if you were in Emmett's Gym class, I bet he would have liked you from the first day," Jacob teased.
"Shut up," Bella hissed at him.
"Tell you later," I muttered.
Bella didn't venture into the game again. The coach ignored her and let Mike play alone.
I breezed through the quiz at the end of the hour, and Mrs. Goff let me go early. I was listening intently to Mike as I walked across the campus. He'd decided to confront Bella about me.
Jessica swears they're dating. Why? Why did he have to pick her?
He didn't recognize the real phenomenon - that she'd picked me.
"Don't go overboard with that," Bella rolled her eyes, it was more of a phenomenon that he had picked her after a hundred years after all.
"So."
"So what?" she wondered.
"You and Cullen, huh?" You and the freak. I guess, if a rich guy is that important to you...
Bella was glaring at the book, she didn't like this assumption at all, but what was really getting to her was how very wrong Mike was... Edward was so much more than just a rich guy.
I gritted my teeth at his degrading assumption.
"That's none of your business, Mike."
Defensive. So it's true. Crap. "I don't like it."
"You don't have to," she snapped.
Why can't she see what a circus sideshow he is? Like they all are.
Bella was glaring more at the book than before, not liking his way of thinking at all.
The way he stares at her. It gives me chills to watch. "He looks at you like...like you're something to eat."
Bella and Jacob both tensed a little at that... it wasn't good that Mike was able to notice that.
I cringed, waiting for her response.
Her face turned bright red, and her lips pressed together like she was holding her breath. Then, suddenly, a giggle burst through her lips.
"You laughed?" Jacob looked at her incredulously.
"Um... the irony of that must have gotten to me," Bella said. "I'm sure it was a nervous laugh if that makes you feel any better."
"It doesn't," Jacob said and then started reading again.
Now she's laughing at me. Great.
Mike turned, thoughts sullen, and wandered off to change.
I leaned against the gym wall and tried to compose myself.
How could she have laughed at Mike's accusation - so entirely on target that I began to worry that Forks was becoming too aware... Why would she laugh at the suggestion that I could kill her, when she knew that it was entirely true? Where was the humor in that?
What was wrong with her?
"Nothing's wrong with me," Bella huffed.
"I beg to differ," Jacob chuckled, though he was giving her an odd look, too.
Did she have morbid sense of humor? That didn't fit with my idea of her character, but how could I be sure? Or maybe my daydream of the giddy angel was true in the one respect, in that she had no sense of fear at all. Brave - that was one word for it.
"I'm not brave," Bella mumbled.
Others might say stupid,
"So I guess you're stupid then," Jacob chuckled and Bella glared at him.
but I knew how bright she was. No matter what the reason, though, this lack of fear or twisted sense of humor wasn't good for her. Was it this strange lack that put her in danger so constantly? Maybe she would always need me here...
Just like that, my mood was soaring.
If I could just discipline myself, make myself safe, then perhaps it would be right for me to stay with her.
When she walked through the gym doors, her shoulders were stiff and her lower lip was between her teeth again - a sign of anxiety. But as soon as her eyes met mine, her rigid shoulders relaxed and a wide smile spread across her face. It was an oddly peaceful expression. She walked right to my side without hesitation, only stopping when she was so close that her body heat crashed over me like a tidal wave.
"Hi," she whispered.
The happiness I felt in this moment was, again, without precedent.
"Hello," I said, and then - because with my mood suddenly so light I couldn't resist teasing her - I added, "How was gym?"
"Argh... did he have to mention that?" Bella groaned.
"Yep," Jacob chuckled. "Besides, isn't it better that you know he's watching you... not as creepy that way at least."
"Whatever," Bella shrugged.
Her smile wavered. "Fine."
She was a poor liar.
"True," Jacob and Bella both said.
"Really?" I asked, about to press the issue - I was still concerned about her head; was she in pain? - but then Mike Newton's thoughts we so loud they broke my concentration.
I hate him. I wish he would die. I hope he drives that shiny car right off a cliff. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Stick to his own kind - to the freaks.
"What does he mean, his own kind?" Jacob asked. "He doesn't know that Edward is a vampire."
"I suppose he means rich?" Bella said slowly, not sure of the answer herself. "That or he instinctively knows that Edward is different."
"What?" Bella demanded.
My eyes refocused on her face. She looked at Mike's retreating back, and then at me again.
"Newton's getting on my nerves," I admitted.
Her mouth fell open, and her smile disappeared. She must have forgotten that I'd had the power to watch through her calamitous last hour, or hoped that I hadn't utilized it.
"More likely the latter," Bella said, after all he had demonstrated that gift quite well during their last few encounters.
"You weren't listening again?"
"How's your head?"
"You're unbelievable!" she said through her teeth, and then she turned away from me and stalked furiously toward the parking lot. Her skin flushed dark red - she was embarrassed.
"You got that right," Jacob said.
"Well, no one asked him to watch me in Gym," Bella grumbled, her clumsiness was always a sore spot for her.
I kept pace with her, hoping that her anger would pass soon. She was usually quick to forgive me.
"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in Gym," I explained. "It made me curious."
She didn't answer; her eyebrows pulled together.
She came to a sudden halt in the parking lot when she realized that the way to my car was blocked by a crowd of male students.
I wonder how fast they've gone in this thing...
Look at the SMG shift paddles. I've never seen those outside of a magazine...
Nice side grills...
Sure wish I had sixty thousand dollars laying around...
"Um... Jacob do you want me to leave," Bella chuckled as Jacob was practically drooling at the description of the car.
"No, but I want you to get me into the Cullen garage sometime in the future," Jacob said.
"You do realize that's Rosalie's car..." Bella said smirking.
"Argh," Jacob groaned. "Why did you have to remind me of that?"
This was exactly why it was better for Rosalie to only use her car out of town.
I wound through the throng of lustful boys to my car; after a second of hesitation, Bella followed suit.
"Ostentatious," I muttered as she climbed in.
"What kind of car is that?" she wondered.
"An M3."
She frowned. "I don't speak Car and Driver."
"Come on, Bella!" Jacob groaned. "You should know that at least."
"Sorry," Bella shrugged, chuckling at his behavior.
"It's a BMW." I rolled my eyes and then focused on backing out without running anyone down. I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didn't seem willing to move out of my way. A half-second meeting my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them.
"Is that car really that special?" Bella rolled her eyes.
Jacob just stared at her incredulously.
"I guess it is," Bella mumbled.
"Are you still angry?" I asked her. Her frown had relaxed.
"Definitely," she answered curtly.
I sighed. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh well. I could try to make amends, I supposed. "Will you forgive me if I apologize?"
She thought about that for a moment. "Maybe...if you mean it," she decided.
"And if you promise not to do it again."
"Don't hold your breath," Jacob chuckled.
"I know... that's never going to happen," Bella chuckled too.
I wasn't going to lie to her, and there was no way I was agreeing to that. Perhaps if I offered her a different exchange.
"How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive this Saturday?" I cringed internally at the thought.
"Oh... that works," Bella said.
The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the new bargain. "Deal," she said after a moment of thought.
Now for my apology... I'd never tried to dazzle Bella on purpose before, but now seemed like a good time.
"Oh great," Bella mumbled, blushing already. The thought of him actually trying to dazzle her was too much for her.
I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from the school, wondering if I was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.
"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."
Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato.
Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.
I half-smiled. It seemed like I'd gotten it right. Of course, I was having a bit of difficulty looking away from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing I had this road memorized.
"What?" Bella said, snapping out of her daze... she liked thinking of them both being dazzled by each other... but still, "He's not even looking at the road!"
"But he has it memorized... that's just as good," Jacob laughed at her expression.
"That is not good at all!" Bella snapped, note to self, no dazzling in the car... um... while it's moving at least.
"And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning," I added, finishing the agreement.
She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Um," she said, "it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."
"He's not going to take his car," Bella said, how little she understood him in this book.
Ah, how little she still knew me. "I wasn't intending to bring a car."
Bella blinked at that and then smiled, it was nice knowing they could think alike.
"How - " she started to ask.
I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration, and now was hardly the time. "Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car."
She put her head on one side, and looked for a second like she was going to press for more, but then she seemed to change her mind.
"Is it later yet?" she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in the cafeteria today; she'd let go of one difficult question just to return another that was more unappealing.
"Yeah, isn't that nice of her," Jacob chuckled.
"I suppose it is later," I agreed unwillingly.
I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how to explain...without making my monstrous nature too evident, without frightening her again. Or was that wrong? To minimalize my darkness?
She waited with the same politely interested mask she'd worn at lunch. If I'd been less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh.
"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" I asked.
"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction," she said.
"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.
"No."
I tried not to smile, and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the momentary humor. "It was just the very thought of you being there...while we hunted."
Jacob shivered at that.
"That would be bad?"
The mental picture was too much - Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself, out of control... I tried to banish it from my head.
"Well, you don't have to send it our way," Jacob snapped.
"Extremely."
"Because...?"
I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. Feeling it, managing it, proving my dominion over it. It would never control me again - I willed that to be true. I would be safe for her. I stared at the welcome clouds without seeing them, wishing I could believe that my determination would make any difference if I were hunting when I crossed her scent.
"When we hunt...we give ourselves over to our senses," I told her, thinking through each word before I spoke it. "Govern less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way..."
Jacob and Bella both shivered at that. No, she could definitely never see him hunt.
I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would - not what could, but what would - surely happen then.
I listened to the spike in her heartbeat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes.
Bella's face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly in what I guessed was concern. But concern for what? Her own safety? Or my anguish? I continued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact.
"Your anguish, I'm sure," Jacob mumbled. "She puts others before herself."
"You don't have to make it sound like a bad thing," Bella sighed.
She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated, though the light had not changed.
My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to be humming, just like in the darkened biology room this afternoon. The pulsing current raced between us again, and my desire to touch her was, briefly, stronger even than the demands of my thirst.
"Um... this really is pretty freaky," Jacob muttered and Bella rolled her eyes, curious to know what this really meant.
The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it. Like I was human. More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to able to put my mouth so close to her skin...
Bella froze in place... waiting in anticipation... heart hammering.
Jacob shifted uncomfortably and was wary about how dangerous that would be.
She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started breathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether.
I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us.
No more mistakes.
Bella sighed sadly.
Bella's existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, all so easily disrupted. The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life or death to her. The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many stupid accidents or illnesses or...by me.
I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she were offered a chance back - if he or she could trade immortality for mortality again. Any one of us would stand in fire for it. Burn for as many days or centuries as were necessary.
"But you can't go back," Bella said sadly, which meant that if they were ever going to be equal she would have to change...
Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else. There were even humans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them the blackest of gifts...
Not us. Not my family. We would trade anything to be human.
"Right," Jacob said, and he believed what Edward was saying, it really did explain why they did what they did.
But none of us had ever been as desperate for a way back as I was now.
I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the windshield, like there was some solution hidden in the glass. The electricity had not faded, and I had to concentrate to keep my hands on the wheel.
My right hand began to sting without pain again, from when I'd touched her before.
"Bella, I think you should go inside now."
She obeyed at once, without comment, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind herself. Did she feel the potential for disaster as clearly as I did?
"Um... I'm sure I felt the electricity... and noticed that you don't want to touch me," Bella sighed, "I'm probably just following your lead."
Did it hurt her to leave, as it hurt me to let her go? The only solace was that I would see her soon. Sooner than she would see me. I smiled at that, then rolled the window down and leaned across to speak to her one more time - it was safer now, with the heat of her body outside the car.
She turned to see what I wanted, curious.
Still curious, though she'd asked me so many questions today.
"Oh there're so many more questions I have for you," Bella said.
My own curiosity was entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets -
"It looks like he's thinking the same thing," Jacob chuckled.
I'd gotten little from her but my own conjectures. That wasn't fair.
"Oh, Bella?"
"Yes?"
"Tomorrow it's my turn."
Her forehead puckered. "Your turn to what?"
"Ask the questions." Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by witnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought, and then I turned away because she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door as an excuse to stay beside her...
No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace.
"Well, that's most definitely true," Bella said. "I wonder what he's going to ask me."
"Well, it looks like you're going to have to wait a long time to figure out," Jacob said putting the book down.
"Why?" Bella said looking at the clock, it was nine. "We still have some time."
"That's not why," Jacob chuckled. "It's because that was the end of the book."
"What?" Bella said. "That can't be the end... there so much more... I don't know what happens!"
"Sorry, Bells, that's it," Jacob shrugged.
"Is there at note or anything like that?" Bella asked, picking up the book and noticing a small note and read:
I'm sorry that this was all that I could give you, but this was all I could write before you got to school. But there is no need to worry; your story goes on for a long time after this.
Bella frowned as she read this, how could this person end the book here but promise that there is a lot more for her to find out? "Who is this SM person?"
"Um... I'm not sure, but it's the person that left me the note in the first place," Jacob said.
"Yeah, I figured," Bella rolled her eyes.
"So... um... what do we do now?" Jacob asked.
"I'm not sure," Bella said.
"But you're planning on meeting this Edward guy for real, aren't you," Jacob said.
"Of course," Bella looked at him suspiciously. He had promised at one time that he wouldn't let that happen. She hoped he had changed his mind because there was no way she would allow that.
"And how do you plan on meeting him at first?" Jacob questioned.
"Um..." Bella said, she didn't think of that but he was right... the first meeting really was something that she had to think about... Edward was, after all going to be deathly attracted to her. "I suppose we'll just have to think of something."
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 00:00
13. Knowledge
I weaved my way down my driveway while imagining all the ways I could bring myself closer to Bella. Just to lightly touch her hair, to hold her close to me like I did so carelessly after the accident, or to bring her warm lips to mine...I trailed off in thought as the fantasy went visual.
Enough, I ordered, though I was aching to feel the warmth of her rich skin. Enough.
When I reached the end of the drive I knew what to expect, though, the insults that continued at maximum capacity fissured my nerves.
Idiot! Jackass! Lunatic! I really hope you are happy! If I have to move again..., Rosalie was seething belligerence. The vivid image she thrust on my mind was my Vanquish being catastrophically driven off a ravine.
I sighed and shook my head trying to dispel her thoughts, but after living with her for this long I'd learned to hum a tune or ignore her internal muttering, even when she was screaming at the top of her mental lungs and making the visual pictures more devastating.
After watching all of the possible ways she would crash my car over and over in her head I realized that it didn't matter.
It was Bella who was ultimately significant now. Her silent thoughts - how warm and trusting she is.
Ah, I thought gleefully. My mental distraction worked perfectly.
I sat in the car, my fingers still wrapped tightly on the steering wheel as I thought about going back. I inhaled deeply at her scent that was still lingering in the car. White hot knives cut down my throat, but I embraced it, content that I was satiated for the moment.
A thought disrupted my internal blitheness.
Boy, do you have some explaining to do.
"Emmett," I muttered, though I was grateful he had forgiven me of my actions so quickly. His low chuckle came from inside the house as he over took Jasper's knight in a game of chess.
I had to deal with this now. I couldn't go see her until my family was resolved, though, honestly, I should never go back. Her life would be the better for it - she would have a life to live.
Carlisle's car was parked next to Rosalie's M3. I sighed in relief. If he was here, then maybe Rosalie would be on her best behavior.
More thoughts filled my mind bringing me back to the present. It was time to confront my family about the secrets that Bella logically pieced together.
I finally persuaded myself into going inside to speak with Carlisle.
Alice's thoughts interrupted my anxiety filled mind.
I hope you've reconsidered your plans for the weekend. I love her, too. Her internal cry was a lament.
I twitched slightly under the impact of the earlier vision. I tried to expunge her thoughts from my mind as my stomach began to twist in pain.
Absurd - it was a lie, impossible. I would never hurt Bella...would I? Bella...in my arms...cold, white, dead... The thoughts were inconceivable. Alice was blind or confused somehow, the vision insurmountable.
The pain swiftly took me under - it felt like my body was burning from the inside out, almost as if the pain of her death would literally make me combust. I gave Alice a grave look.
"You're wrong." My tone was hollow.
Please, Edward! Alice begged.
I could feel every degree of love she had for her. She doesn't even know her - her love was nonexistent compared to mine.
I sighed.
But doesn't everyone have that reaction to her? Hadn't I? Didn't I risk everything just to save her life so I could observe her; watch her sleep at night?
My need to speak with Carlisle was growing at an immense rate. He would have answers. He always knew what to do.
I marched past Alice where she was sitting on the stairs, her face rested on her hands, her lower lip jutting out slightly from her upper. I ignored her pouting, knowing it was because of her vision that was bringing her into this trepidation. And her vision was wrong.
I clenched my teeth together as I spoke, making my words almost incoherent "I'm strong."
I'm brave enough, I tried to convince myself.
"I won't hurt her, Alice. Your vision is impossible!"
I'm begging you, she continued to plead.
Her anguish was beginning to weigh on me. I shoved her mental insight from me viciously. How could I possibly bring death to her?
I wanted - no - I needed Bella. The necessity to hold her, my hunger...my thirst for her was exponentially growing at a sizable intensity. But, it wasn't my thirst that I was craving the most; I desired for her, longed for the face, the voice, that accompanied the fragrance.
I moved swiftly up the stairs so quick, in fact, a normal human wouldn't have seen me.
Slowly opening the door to my potential sentencing I entered Carlisle's office. His face was so close to the book he was reading that his nose was nearly touching the pages.
Association between PPI's and spontaneous bacterial peritonitis...His eyes moved up the page until they left the book flowing upward towards my face which was perfectly mirrored in his eyes. Guilt was resolutely displayed across my face.
I looked away.
Esme, joyfully flitting around the room, was re-organizing the bookshelves in effort to make room for new books Carlisle had just purchased. She caught my glance when I entered the room.
Edward!She beamed.
She didn't consciously think her name but to some extent of reasoning her mind was radiating the essence of Bella's presence that always accompanied me. The fond attachment she had formed for Bella, without ever meeting her, brought a hazardous new light upon being with her. If it were up to Esme, Bella would already be transformed into a vampire. My obvious love was enough for her to wish this often, though she would never voice her desires.
Each second I grew closer to Bella was another second that was being taken from her life. My thirst. My love for her. Which one was stronger? Would they intermingle and make her a vampire?
Risky. My thought was fleeting because I knew that I wouldn't leave her alone and that I wouldn't change her. What was the future, her fate? The internal struggle of her inevitable future began nagging at me almost as bad as Rosalie thought's that were now blaring in my head.
This wasn't something I could run from. Maybe Carlisle would have the answer. The strong desire for advice wasn't approaching quick enough. I was growing impatient at all the courtesies.
Hello Edward. His mental tone showed no inflection that he knew of Bella's knowledge.
Good; Rosalie kept her trap shut, another surprise on top of the already growing pile of shocking news that I seemed to be attracting. Would this news, this information, prove my malefaction?
Now that I was standing here, ready to concede my guilt to him, I didn't know what to say, speech wouldn't form. How do you tell someone you deeply care for, more than that, your creator...your father that you betrayed their family - my family - for a mere human girl?
But to me she wasn't just ahuman girl - she was thehuman girl, the only one that ever truly mattered.
Carlisle read my expression, his thoughts scattering in every direction, dancing in his mind before he settled on being alarmed at my facial expression. My calm fa?ade must have faded.
What is it Edward? What is wrong? Is Bella...his thoughts trailed off, but I knew the direction they were heading.
Luckily, his concern for that subject was unnecessary.
For now.
"Carlisle, I...she..." I hesitated, pausing.
I didn't know how to tell my family, those who loved me the most, that I was Judas made flesh. A betrayer.
Carlisle raised an eyebrow at my state of irresolution.
"Edward? Is everything all right?" he asked incredulously, bringing attention to our conversation.
Esme turned at his words, bringing her thoughts and concentration to the open dialog.
Ignoring their stares I continued to sway on the spot, standing there with my mouth halfway open like a gold fish out of water gasping for air. The words failed me.
Would this, of all things, break their faith in me? No one had so absolutely guessed our secret before, learned our truths. If my heart was alive, beating, I swear even a human would be able to hear it. There was only venom in my veins - the one thing that would inevitably bring Bella to her death.
Death. No, this couldn't be the end. Her knowledge wouldn't condemn her, I refused. Would this be Carlisle's conclusion, just like it had been for the rest of the family? I would fight against them, if this is what they decided.
"Edward?" Esme prodded.
I had to tell them what she knew; no doubt Rosalie will make sure they were aware if I didn't confess this soon. It's better if they hear it from me, but still, the words wouldn't escape my lips. How do you confess a betrayal? It's much more difficult than I thought it would be.
Feeling guilty, Edward? Rosalie sneered mentally. What a surprise! I can't believe you. Once again I had to shove Rosalie's thoughts from my mind. The barrier was harder to put into place when my concentration was being pulled in so many directions.
Besides the aggressively hostile nature of Rosalie, everyone else was silent, the dead air making it evident that everyone was eavesdropping at this ultimate of pivotal moments, surely waiting to hear my betrayal, or ultimately deciding her fate for me. None of them dared to think it. Not now. Not after I had already fought so hard to keep her alive.
I inhaled a generous gulp of air.
Esme's anxious look continued to grow deeper.
What is it? Please tell us, she thought tentatively.
Only a brief second had passed before I finally bowed my head downward as if I were admitting a great shame and delivered the words I was terrified would hurt my family. Judas had nothing on me. I sunk into the nearest chair.
"Bella...well, she...she knows, Carlisle." I had never struggled with words like I did when Bella was involved.
His eyes grew wide, his thoughts in an uproar of intense confusion and concern.
Bella knows? About us? She knows about us? ... "Edward, what is going on? Is everything okay? Should I be worried?" Carlisle's thoughts spilled from his mouth like a stream of water, so rapid I didn't have time to respond to one of them.
At the same time I brought my glance to his and he focused on my blameworthy expression. He observed my look and then reassured himself that I hadn't done something foolish. Boy was he wrong.
This all happened in a tenth of a second. My mind still hadn't fully comprehended all his thoughts.
Of course I shouldn't be worried, everything will be fine. Okay. Now, "what exactly does Bella know?" he asked, zealous.
I ignored his enthusiasm at the prospect of Bella knowing our secret. Was it an act? Surely my words would cut deeper in a minute. He hadn't really had time to settle on the thought.
"She knows everything about me!" About us, I amended internally. "She put the pieces together and I just...I couldn't keep lying to her." I figured the truth would be better than lies right now.
Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't tell her himself. Carlisle contemplated mentally. The way she has changed him...I can't describe it. She would be his perfect pairing. Why not change her? he murmured in thought.
Excellent, Esme beamed. Was she excited about this news too? Was this not the huge betrayal I thought it would be?
"She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Edward." Carlisle cut into my thoughts. "I'm so glad she knows," he whispered softly to me. "It was to be expected. But now, maybe it's time to move to the next step."
My head snapped up.
Esme nodded in agreement.
"Next step?" I shouted. "Move to the next step?"
Was this the conclusion? An immortal life? I couldn't be responsible for such a brutal act. It felt like a brick was sliding down my throat into the pit of my stomach.
"You want me to what...ask her to die?" I shot up like a bottle rocket. "Ask her if she wished to be doomed to go to hell? Are you insane?"
The thought of her burning with the fiery thirst day by day or the first initial three days of begging for death as her veins burned with venom - my venom - nearly sent me over the edge.
I was hoping beyond hope that this would not come to some sort of vote like what nearly happened after I saved her from the van. To make her into the appalling creature that I am or bring on her early death...no, there is another option. There has to be.
I looked to Carlisle. If anyone's opinion mattered it would be his. He froze for just a fraction of a second and then sighed heavily. I studied him for a few seconds, apprehension etched into my face, easily reflected in his golden eyes. Also, I could see my face from two viewpoints perfectly. There it was, my pain jerking down the corners of my lips.
"I can't imagine hurting her, bringing her to her death."
"If it's a matter of self control...I can offer my services," Carlisle proposed.
"A vampire, forever frozen at seventeen...forever doomed to our existence." Carlisle flinched at my words. "I just can't...you can't! How can either of you possibly think her knowledge of our existence a good thing when this is the conclusion?" I shouted.
There were a few murmured agreements throughout the house. Jasper was quiet but thought the next step or death should be the only options. But, after Alice's request he seemed to try his best to keep his thoughts to himself.
"Who is to say she couldn't live out her mortal life?" I paused, chagrin obvious in my tone. "I haven't killed her." But I could. So easily.
But you haven't killed her, you even saved her life, I thought to myself, the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not yet, I amended. The guilt was plainly splayed across my face.
Couldn't Carlisle tell I was scarcely clutching onto my humanity - just barely by my fingertips when I was around the sweet seduction of Bella's blood and her enticing pulse? Each second around her was like crawling through the desert and happening upon water that was poisonous. So seductive.
If being human is what you wish for her and you feel that you can't offer this...then maybe this is the time to leave. Carlisle offered as a choice. He saw me flinch and changed tact. I just don't want you to make a mistake by denying yourself your true mate by keeping her human. He spoke silently to me."If you wish to keep her human, then that is your decision. We will not demand her death, or her transformation." Carlisle added, trying to calm my frenzied nerves. At the same time he was letting everyone in the house know this was his final word. And they are to abide by it. No deaths, no transformations. The end. "You have amazing self control. I believe that you will make the right decision."
Shock. Yes, that was the emotion I was feeling; stunned, surprised, astonished...I looked up and stared at him incredulously.
Even if I did decide to change her, I wouldn't have the strength to stop myself from drinking her dry. Just thinking about the luscious taste on my lips sent a shiver of pleasure down my spine.
How could he possibly believe that this whole situation is a good idea? Dread flowed through my frozen veins as the thought of hurting the delicate flower of a girl, Bella, entered my mind. I tried to expunge the images that Alice had embossed into my brain, for they seemed to be coming to the surface at this conversation.
I wasn't the only one surprised and outraged by his responses to it all, how easily Carlisle just accepted this bit of news like he knew it was going to happen all along.
Rosalie, working on her car, had thrown a wrench down and walked away, muttering choice swear words under her breath. Jasper coughed - something a vampire would never need to do - while breaking part of the chess piece he was holding. He knew of the danger this could possibly cause us all.
Then there were those two thoughts that were unsurprised, actually elated. Alice, for obvious reasons, predicted this future. She loved Bella, human or vampire. Esme, who didn't care if Bella had four fingers and crossed eyes, was smiling at me. Her thoughts were content, pleased at this news, even though a sturdier Bella, in her mind, would be the better choice.
There was only one neutral thought. "Next time we'll use your chess set," Emmett muttered to Jasper. Though, I knew if it came to sides, he would choose Rosalie's.
Before I responded to Carlisle's words Esme's thoughts protruded into my head. I wonder when I can meet her.
I turned and gave Esme a withering look.
"Why are you guys doing this to me?" Derision was obvious in my voice. "If I stay with her..." I needed to leave her alone. She needs to live a mortal life, one that I can not offer her. "I could kill her." My face screwed up in pain at the word kill.
It's been months, Edward. She's still alive. You can do this, I have faith in you, Carlisle thought.
My hands were trembling slightly as fear pulsed through me. Faith, I scoffed. Esme approached me swiftly and embraced me, all fear flooded from my body at her gentle touch.
Carlisle approached me and Esme let go as he placed his hand on my shoulder and thought sympathetically; everything will be all right, son.
It was silent for a minute, as everyone let the news sink in.
"So, what did you tell Bella?" Carlisle asked, intrigued now. Our previous conversation was now in the distant past.
Everything I was doing seemed so human lately. I sank lower into the chair as if it were my only support after being deflated.
"I didn't tell her, Carlisle, she guessed. She guessed everything, even my little talent of reading minds!"
Carlisle's thoughts were incoherent with surprise; his words spiraled together and were muddled so I continued.
"I only filled in the blanks, which were not many. She is much more perceptive than I realized..." My voice trailed off and I slumped even lower into the chair. I had made so many mistakes.
I then remembered what she had told me about her trip to First Beach.
"Then her little friend Jacob Black..."
Before I could get another word out Carlisle already knew exactly what had happen.
Jacob...Black. Oh! "The Quileute's?"
I nodded.
Oh... I see. He chuckled."I never thought it would be their side to break the treaty! Oh, of course, I know it couldn't have been meant like that, surely he doesn't think the stories are true." he shook is head.
This house became silent, not a word or thought formed for several spiraling seconds. When the curtain of silent thoughts became louder then thoughts themselves, I finally looked up to try to interpret Carlisle's face since his mind had become nothing more than a bewildered mental humming. The astonishment on his alabaster face was humorous.
Before I could make my mouth move to ask the question I seemed to be asking more and more lately, what are you thinking, Carlisle began to chuckle at full volume. He was truly taken aback, but this news hadn't bothered him at all. His mind was stunned into silence as flashes of Bella went through - all from that almost tragic day with the van.
I couldn't take the ever-growing silence emanating off the walls.
"What?" I asked with irritation.
Carlisle shot Esme a look.
Go on,Esme thought while nodding to Carlisle to continue, as if he could read her thoughts. He finally spoke.
"How did she react?"
"She said, 'it doesn't matter' what I am," my teeth gritted at the memory, and then my expression softened when I remembered the tears that welled up in her eyes at my reaction. Another mistake.
"She won't tell anyone?" he asked.
"No. I trust her." At my look, he accepted my answer without a doubt.
"Edward, this cannot be a coincidence. There is a real change happening here." Carlisle chuckled once more.
Esme put her arm around Carlisle and a large grin gradually spread across her face. My parents were... happy, excessively, even. I hadn't predicted the conversation going in this direction at all.
I was given the impression that everything was happening very fast. The monster in me began backing into the darkest corners of my mind, gradually dissipating as I was becoming more and more human the more familiar I became with Bella.
What should I do? I know what I should do; it was a matter of what I was going to do.I knew what the answer should be. I need to leave her alone. Even if I can cage the monster for the time, it is not likely I can keep him caged forever. Yes, I have my family for support, but that won't stop me from accidently hurting her. I had to leave, as Carlisle suggested.
I placed my hand over my eyes and slouched even deeper in the chair. If I sunk down any lower I'd fall right off of it.
Then thought of her deep chocolate brown eyes looking at me with tears as I said goodbye made my un-beating heart ache. The memory of her tear stained face flashed across my mind.
Would she cry? If I left, would she even care? She shouldn't. I sighed. She really does embrace danger, or maybe the right word was Entice.
I thought about Alice's vision. I pinched the bridge of my nose at the recollection. The more I thought about it the harder it was for me to imagine being alone with her without breaking or damaging her. Why did Alice put these thoughts in my head? I don't want to hurt Bella, but I don't know how much more I could take!
Being in Bella's presence with the aroma, her warmth...so brave and trusting... not touching her was going to become a problem. Her skin - so soft...electric. I started imaging her warm and cradled comfortably in my arms - lightly touching her face and pulling my hands through her hair. Before I could get too deep into that daydream I had to make a decision and fast.
Regardless of what my decision should be, I was a selfish creature and refused to go. Leaving the girl isn't an option, I decided. She was a danger to herself and she needed me to protect her, I lied effortlessly.
I shook my head as I ultimately determined I was still going to take her to the meadow. I will give her the chance to see me for who I am, I promised myself. Maybe she would finally learn how dangerous I am and run away screaming.
I won't kill her, though. I love her. I tried to convince myself that love was enough. The love I felt for her was so exquisite it was nearly pain because I knew there were only two options left for her now.
No, those won't be her only options. I will make this work. Three options. She could grow old and live out her life, but with me in tow.
Only a few seconds had passed during my reprieve. Carlisle and Esme looked fixedly at me. Their confidence in me was overwhelming. They honestly believed in me, trusted that I wouldn't hurt her. Maybe Judas did have the corner on the betrayal market.
As I saw the conviction in their faces, something deep inside of me settled. I stood up, surveyed their loving faces and the inner workings of my brain and my non-beating heart finally accepted her fate. Option three.
She will live, I'll look after her and she will live, I determined. As long as I was around, no one would ever harm her because I would break them limb from limb if they even attempted, or even if they possibly thought it. Her vampire protector. Forever.
"It seems I can't stay away from her." I grimaced, but deep inside I was glowing.
I don't want him to stay away from her; he's been a different person since she came into his life,Esme thought cheerfully.
Carlisle grinned, his thoughts in sync with Esme.
I sighed, but the sound wasn't as pained as before. It was almost...joyous.
Striding swiftly from the room I realized it was no longer silent in the house. I could hear faint mutterings from Rosalie. Instantly I shoved her constant jeering from my mind.
Deep down, Rosalie's problem with Bella really was pure jealousy. She hated that Bella was human because she wanted to be human. But I thought her warm, trusting humanness was Bella's best quality.
Edward!Alice bellowed from her head while skipping up the stairs towards me.
The cloudy, blurry vision from earlier today was instantly clear. No longer did she see Bella's lifeless form lying in the bracken of the forest floor. My eyes no longer glowed that ominous red.
When she reached me at the top of the stairs she grinned widely while practically jumping on me to wrap her tiny arms around my neck.
"Thank you, Edward!" Alice was jubilant.
I nodded and returned her hug, releasing her quickly because I was on a mission.
Have fun at Bella's. I suppose you won't tell her hi for me, will you?
For the first time since I entered the house this afternoon, my lips twitched up into a smile, completely opposite from my previous grimace. My stomach was doing back flips at the thought of being with her again.
I couldn't stand being away from her any longer.
I dashed through the forest towards her house as if someone was lighting a fire beneath my feet. As I took off I heard faded thoughts from Alice.
I wonder what happened to change the vision? I hope Edward starts letting me hang out with her. Just two more days...She was counting down. Then I saw images of her dressing a blushing Bella up and playing with her hair like she was a doll.
I rolled my eyes, but instantly craved for this to come true.
I was sitting in the rocking chair in Bella's room. Her warm delicious scent was swirling around me and I was sucking it slowly into my lungs with each breath. I was willing myself to stay away from her. A feat much harder than one would realize.
Tonight, she was not sleeping soundly. I watched as she tangled herself into the blankets early on in the evening.
I stood. Realizing I was unable to help her, I sat. The chair was my prison, holding me in my seat. She was the dessert across the table from a kid who had to eat broccoli. The temptation would never go away, yet each second I grew stronger against my will to rush over and hold her. I couldn't allow myself to do something so foolish. It was about her now. What she wants, what she needs. I had to toss my selfishness away as best I could, even though my presence was selfish enough.
She tossed again. I got up once more, my hands reaching out like I could help. My touch was too cold...wrong. I seated myself back into my prison.
I sighed. With the quick intake of air the burning persisted in my dry throat. Each breath brought me pleasure and torture. Mainly torture, though her scent reminded me of how alive she is.
"Edward..." she mumbled in her sleep.
This was not the first time this evening that she murmured my name in her sweet magical voice. Each sound or movement was watched by me as she continued to tangle herself in the sheets.
I couldn't help but worry that she wasn't having a good dream. I was a monster after all.
She woke a few times in the night, startled from her dream - or nightmare - but I was stealthy enough to hide. She never caught me but I wondered what she would think if she did. Would she finally scream? Would she shriek at the sight of the peeping tom that I had become? Would she turn her deep gaze towards me and beg me to leave and never come back?Anguish fell over me at the thought. This must be why I continued to hide every time I saw her eyes flutter.
She tossed again, holding her pillow tightly while a small sigh escaped her lips.
"Edward...mmmmm."
Once again my heart leapt at the sound of my name on her breath.
As the night progressed she settled into a deeper sleep, finally calm and unmoving. In the earlier hours of the morning I saw her shudder and watched as goose bumps arose on her skin.
Without thought I was standing, walking over to her, leaning down, hand out stretched before my mind finally caught up with my actions. Indecision was deep in my thoughts.
Another breath.
More fiery thirst.
I wasn't sure if it was the monster or my protective side, but without thinking I reached out to unravel her blanket to cover her. As I slowly moved the blanket over her I accidently touched her arm. Or was it an accident?
It was if a million little electrodes sent pleasant shocks down my spine. I closed me eyes to take in her aroma.
She was soft...warm.
I quickly held my breath but realized that if I were going to stay with her that I had to overcome my thirst, my ever growing desire to crush her to my body and dig my teeth deep into her neck.
Another breath.
My mouth was instantly full of venom. The monster inside of me was clawing at my chest bones, trying to break free of my body and drink the most delicious blood that ever existed. I grabbed at my chest trying to push the monster back in when suddenly I felt something vibrate. It was my phone.
Alice. I swallowed the pool of venom pouring into my mouth.
Leaping out of her window I answered the phone. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could say hello Alice began pleading in her bell voice.
"Edward! Please!"
My hand automatically met the bridge of my nose. She was my favorite and the most irritating of my family.
She continued without pause.
"I keep getting flashes of you killing Bella! If you kill her I will be very upset. I haven't even had the opportunity to talk to her," her voice was petulant.
I gritted my teeth and breathed in the light morning air around me. The fresh air cleared my head making the monster retreat. How had I let things get out of hand? Why did I have to put my hand in the cookie jar?
"Alice," I breathed.
She interjected.
"Please, just be careful, Edward! Your future has been changing erratically...I never know what is going to happen with you anymore." I could almost hear her pout.
I sighed because she was right. The easy flow of my future had taken a wild spin and even I couldn't tell her what my plans were from day to day anymore.
"I won't hurt her, Alice," I said with chagrin.
"You better not!" It was a command. "I'll see you soon." She hung up the phone.
I groaned. Was I really that close? I didn't think I was. Looking back up at her window I decided it was okay for me to check on her - just one more time - tonight.
Her small chest was moving up and down evenly along with her steady breath. She was still sound asleep. Safe. Her protector kept her free from danger.
But didn't protect her from himself, I growled internally. I was going to have to work on that.
The light of a new day began to peak over the tops of the trees, sending blue tints across the grey clouds that accompanied the sky.
My mind was racing around with what this new day would bring me as I was soaring through the forest at a ferocious velocity back towards home. The questions I would ask her...the responses I would receive. To just dive in and understand her mind, to know what she was thinking.
My thirst instantly became secondary to her knowing mind. My curiosity was aching like a thirst.
Thirst, I thought warily.
I needed to hunt. I needed more blood to help dilute the intense sensations that came over when I was around Bella. I'd do it now, while I was out - one more time - just in case it wasn't true after all, that my ravenous desire to have her was second to her.
I closed my eyes, letting my nose take over.
Deer, I groaned. Ugh.
I still raced towards it and quenched my ever burning throat, letting the warm blood soak into my dry and frozen throat. Gluttonous. That is what I had become. If I shook myself you might even hear the blood slosh around in me.
But, there was no blood that would ease this ache...this hollow yearning. I pushed the animal off of me with disgust and realized my need for a shower and fresh clothes.
When I arrived at home I ran into Rosalie in the garage.
Great, I thought. Exactly what I need.
"You know this is going to cause problems, Edward," she hissed my name.
"Not now, Rosalie." I growled back.
"You are so self-centered, haven't you thought about what this will do to our family?" she bit back at me.
Of course I had thought about it. Wasn't it obvious that it was eating at me, every second of every day? It was only earlier that I admitted my betrayal.
She must be bored - this argument was getting old.
"Rosalie, go jump off a cliff," I snapped back at her, not like that would do much to her; maybe ruffle her hair and clothes - that should piss her off.
I chuckled at my internal thought.
Ignoring her jibes and muttering I continued to walk inside. Everyone else was pointedly ignoring me. It was apparent that they were all acting busy. I saw through the pretense but I was relieved they were leaving me alone.
I was swiftly dressed and back at Bella's before Charlie left, parking my car around the block so it would be out of sight. I raced towards her house, hoping to hear something new today.
Lurking in the shadows outside her house, the feeling of being a stalker came over me again. Was this how I would forever live my life - being a crazy vampire stalker?
Catching the tail end of their conversation I reprimanded myself for letting Rosalie distract me, taking away a considerable amount of my time. My stalking time, I laughed mirthlessly at myself.
Feeling a little belligerence because I failed to get back before her thoughts were being spoken, I listened with more effort....eavesdropping on their conversation more tentatively.
"I'm not going to the dance, Dad." I heard the stubbornness in Bella's tone as I imagined her vulnerable face creasing with anger. Her kitten anger.
I chuckled.
Today seemed to be a mostly silent thought day for Charlie, but the tenor of his mind was still leaking out. Fear raged through him at the possibility that none of the boys liked her at school. What was wrong with his daughter? These thoughts were more pointless than he realized. If only he knew what all the males at school thought about her...
Even worse - what she liked: a vampire.
"Didn't anyone ask you?" Charlie asked, concerned.
"It's a girl's choice." Bella's voice was exultant with smugness.
I could almost hear the triumph in her voice as she realized she won this argument. Once again I imagined her face; her chin jutting out, her lips pursing.
Another chuckle.
Oh, how light my heart felt every second I was around her.
"Oh." Charlie huffed, disappointed.
His thoughts turned a different direction while he contemplated why she didn't like anyone at school.
She did like someone though...me. My heart leapt, my desires raced, my body ached to hold her. Enough, I ordered. Hadn't I gone too far already today?
The clattering of dishes rang out into the yard before Charlie emerged from the house. I watched as he waved, saying goodbye to Bella. I raced towards my car.
As soon as Charlie drove off I was in the driveway waiting for her, anxious that one day she will walk out of the house, see me waiting for her and then will deny me her company.
It pained me to think like this but I was still not completely sure of her feelings. Her hidden thoughts make things more interesting, I sighed, but they also drive me insane.
Bella came out of the house with a slight skip in her step as she turned around to lock the door, leaving the main dead bolt unlocked. I noticed everything about her, even the inconsequential.
As I watched her carefully, I almost exited the car to give her a hand, worried she might fall at her pace but she slowed when she saw the silver Volvo waiting for her in the drive. I felt a quick sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Well, I should remain in the car; she obviously was considering her options at this point.
More pain, my burning desire feared to be extinguished.
She continued her unhurried pace in my direction. What was she thinking? Did she not want to ride with me today?
She stopped with her hand on the door, wavering. Aggravation flooded me in waves I'd never felt before, not at Bella, but the fact that I didn't know what she was thinking. I tried to probe her mind once again, and reached a solid and impermeable wall.
My light mood quickly faded at my new fear.
Her hand reached out to grab the handle. I exhaled heavily at the relief that now flooded me.
Finally, she decided to ride with me, I hoped, considering she was now opening the door. Her head ducked under the roof of the car and I greeted her with a smile while I waited for her scent to assault me.
She finally sat in the passenger seat and shut the door, sending a hot wave of freesia in my direction.
Daggers, white hot knives...burning. I took in a large breath, closing my eyes.
Her scent did exactly what I expected. The warmth of her body and her pulse emitted the loveliest smell and the scent wrapped around me as it scorched down my throat. I opened my eyes to see the particles of air swirling around me that were now doused with her aroma.
My eyes finally met hers.
"Good Morning," I said after swallowing my thirst. "How are you today?"
How was she? What were her dreams about? Did she miss me? There were countless quantities of things I wanted to inquire about. My questions distracted me from my thirst more than anything else.
I suppressed a sigh.
"Good, thank you," she smiled.
Smiling, that was good. I surveyed her face and could tell she didn't sleep well because she had large circles under her eyes. And I stayed in her room all night as she tossed in her sleep, I added mentally. No need to inform her of my nightly visits, though.
Once again I became frustrated because I couldn't hear her knowing mind. What kept her up at night? What made her toss and turn and say my name? It never appeared like she was having a nightmare, or maybe I was just trying to convince myself of this. What else could possibly be making her so restless if not scary monsters that actually exist? Maybe I was just fooling myself.
"You look tired," I pointed out to continue her talking.
I took in another breath and was instantly intoxicated by her scent. My mouth watered, I was nearly salivating.
No mistakes, I ordered.
"I couldn't sleep." She looked like she was confessing to something and then hid behind her curtain of hair.
Keep it light.
"Neither could I," I teased as I turned the key to start the engine.
She laughed and the sound was harmonious.
"I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."
"I wager you did," I returned her smile; relieved the conversation was going so well.
Another - deeper - breath soared down my throat this time and I bit down hard on my cheek. The tantalizing smell was luxurious, painfully pleasurable...a rich profusion, opulent. The elaborate mix of her enticing scent was the only thing I ever wanted to breathe in, though, at the same time I craved the fresh air outside...just to clear my mind. I could literally stick my tongue out and taste her on the air; it was so saturated with her aroma.
Oh, who cares about the pain, she was here with me and that was all I wanted, I told myself.
No mistakes!
I took in a few more gulps of air while the monster clawed angrily at my throat. He was so close to the edge that I was using all my concentration now to fight him back.
"So what did you do last night?" she asked, intrigued.
She instantly scared the monster back into the darkness with just the sound of her voice.
She's clever...but not clever enough, it was my turn to ask the questions - as I had made clear the day before. There were so many questions that were left unanswered and I had to know.
A smile broke across my face and I chuckled.
"Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions," I said enthusiastically.
"Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?" her forehead creased.
What was going on in her mind? She looked worried and I almost reached out to press my finger in between her eyebrows to smooth out the worry lines.
Keep it simple, light.
"What's your favorite color?"
That was simple enough.
She rolled her eyes.
Maybe too simple.
"It changes from day to day," she smiled.
I knew I was going to have to drag everything out of her, no surprise there.
"What's your favorite color today?" I asked gruffly.
"Probably brown," she said, looking down at her brown shirt.
Really? I had to stop myself from snorting and instantly dropped my serious gaze, the pretense no longer needed.
"Brown?" I asked skeptically.
"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown - tree trunks, rocks, dirt - is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," she complained.
At her answer, I was able to add another thing to my list: she was self-effacing. She wasn't easily led by other people, choosing her color because of what she liked, not what the populace agreed upon.
Suddenly I remembered her muttering, "It's too green," when she was sleeping one evening and tried not to chuckle aloud.
"You're right," I decided, excitement racing through me at all the thoughts I would unlock today. Even learning this little thing about her made me reel with glee.
Okay, back to business. I was abruptly serious again.
"Brown is warm."
Brown was in fact one of my favorite colors, too. I don't know why it took me so long to become aware of this; her deep brown eyes and long brown hair. I hesitated for an instant, not wanting to spoil the moment, but feelings I had never felt before I met Bella were surfacing.
My hand twitched, wanting to reach over and pull her hair from her face, so I could see the beauty that lied beneath. To just lift her chin slightly, turning it in my direction so I could try to read the deep depths of her eyes... Enough.
It would be wrong for me to do it, to place her warm face in my cold hands. The warmth. If I just slightly raised her chin, I could meet her half way...place my lips to hers.
Enough, I ordered again, but it was too late. My hand was out stretched, reaching towards her as I pulled her hair behind her shoulder, gently. Some of the lose strands spilled over my hand. Enough!
I dropped my hand instantly.
No mistakes!
I could feel the warmth coming off of her skin, her fragrance was enveloping, and her hair was soft like silk. My urge to press my cold hard lips to her delicate soft ones had not evaded me.
Stop there, I scolded myself. No more errors. You mustn't be so selfish, I reprimanded.
We pulled into the school parking lot but this didn't mean that my questioning was over...that my desires were gone.
Keep it light, I reminded myself.
"What music is in your CD player right now?" I asked.
She thought for a moment, her eyes un-focusing, looking up.
"Linkin Park." Her eyes met mine again.
Hum, interesting choice. I reached into a compartment under my CD player and after rummaging through the debris I pulled out the same exact CD.
"Debussy to this?" I raised an eyebrow.
She just grinned at me. It was infectious. I returned her smile.
It was time for school to start and we had to part ways. Luckily I could locate her no matter where she was, jumping from mind to mind. I was listing questions to ask her while I waited for the hours away from her to pass. Purgatory had now become a small slice of heaven.
Watching her interact with other humans only added more questions to my ever growing list. I wanted to know everything about her. Was her responses what she was really thinking or was she replying with what they wanted to hear?
My list grew. I made sure to meet up with her in between every class and stroll along side her while she talked; absorbing the information like a snake soaks up the heat from the sun.
During our short walks I was able to unleash some of the questions from my ever growing list. Her every expression, body language, and replies were all-encompassing and intriguing. I was gradually learning each of her little quirks and thoughts.
As I continued to unlock the mystery that was Isabella Swan, I learned something new. She wasn't just good; she was virtuous...above me. I looked at the crowd in the hallway. Above them all.
The day when I could question her nonstop had finally arrived and I was entirely full of a bright glowing light. As each moment passed I was deeply afraid she would realize I was below her, insignificant compared to her greatness.
She still ate with me at lunch, or she ate, I questioned. Sometimes, I got so excited with the information being spilled from her that I began spitting out the questions so fast that she was almost breathless trying to respond to them all. It was hard to control myself.
It was like someone switched on the computer and I was accessing her hard drive, absorbing the knowledge of her mind that she kept locked up nice and secure.
Then, something miraculous happened. Or, by my standards it was miraculous. Because who could possibly like a vampire? During our questioning I asked her what her favorite gemstone was and she blurted out topaz immediately and then her skin turned an appetizing color of red. Automatically, I breathed in a gluttonous amount of air and sighed. Why was she blushing? I begged her to enlighten me as to why she was embarrassed by her answer.
"Tell me," I begged.
"It's the color of your eyes today," she sighed and I watched her look down while the blush on her cheeks became a brilliant red again.
She loved me, too. Like I said - a miracle. Another thing to add to my list: she was passionate. Joy rushed me; almost flipping me over my seat at the feelings of deep affection that warmed me, almost making me feel human. Almost.
I suddenly thanked whatever force brought her to me.
And then, surprising me even more, she elaborated on her answer.
"I suppose if you ask me in two weeks I'd say onyx." Her face turned even a darker shade of pink. I ignored the thirst, easily wiping it away like a bug on my windshield.
Was she finally opening up? I could feel the spring in my step, the instant craving to bound over the table and bring her into my arms...to kiss her warm lips.
She gave me a face like she was bracing for something.
Was she waiting for the fury that radiated off of me when I realized how engrossed she was with a vampire and the fact that she just didn't care? I'd forever hate myself for my poor reactions in Port Angeles...for making her cry.
When the lunch break was over we walked to Biology class. I wanted to reach out and seize her hand...her warm - inviting - hand looked very welcoming to my own. She was next to me but I was feeling detached, like our fingers should forever be interlocked.
Stop it, I thought. No mistakes. And holding her would be a mistake.
We would be continuing the movie in Biology class today which I wasn't thrilled about. Yesterday the electricity in the room was encompassing us. I wasn't sure I would be able to not touch her while she sat so close to me in the dark room where the electricity flowed freely between us. Each little zing practically making me automatically reach out towards her.
We took our seats beside each other and I knew the warm room would soon fill with Bella's scent. The heater turned on and I was waiting to embrace it, to bring it deeper into my lungs so I could revel in the delicious scent, let it intoxicate me. I've never been drunk, but if I had to guess, I'd say her scent made me quite tipsy.
Every moment that passed by when I was with Bella was the most painful and pleasant. Though the fire I felt in my throat didn't dissipate, her aroma was something I continued to embrace. Over time her scent had become less over powering which helped the monster stay securely caged in my chest. Or maybe being around her all the time helped? Had my constant presence in her life helped to make the thirst dissipate? Each moment, the thirst was becoming more manageable with my familiarity with her scent.
The lights dimmed for the movie and I moved my chair a little farther away from hers this time. I saw her eye my movement with sadness, but it was better if I don't entice my senses too much, even though the space didn't matter much to these new feelings I had.
The need to reach out and hold her hand, or maybe put my arm around her was nearly overwhelming.
No mistakes, I fought internally.
She would probably be repulsed by how cold my skin is. She would feel the hardness of my body and maybe then she would realize the monster I am. Would she be terrified then?
No matter how far away I moved from Bella in this warm little room I could sense her and feel the current in the air around us. I watched her as she leaned forward, folding her arms on the desk and resting her chin on them. Not once did I look away from Bella. I watched as she twitched occasionally and wondered what was bothering her.
Did she want to touch me too?
If she did, it would only make it that much more difficult for me to not give her what she wants - to bring her into my arms and hold her securely to my chest like I did the day I saved her from the van.
Hah! He moved away from her. Mike sneered in our direction. Guess things aren't going so well in Cullen land after all.
This enraged me beyond belief and made it that much more difficult to keep my hands off Bella. I wanted to protect her from his thoughts; I wanted to show him that she was mine. But again, I had to remind myself of what a horrible mistake I was about to make as my arm twitched in her direction.
I folded my arms securely across my chest attempting to keep the monster caged and trying to hold my hands at bay. If I were not a vampire, I would have crushed my own bones from crossing my arms so tightly. I was trying to hold back my other desires, now, as they burned and begged for me to just reach over and grab her up into my arms. The fantasy was beginning to spin wildly out of control.
Enough!
When the movie was over I saw her sit up. She was gripping the desk so hard that I saw her fingers go from white to pink as the blood rushed back into them. I watched as the blood swirled under her clear skin. I was internally struggling, trying not to caress her, hoping she hadn't hurt herself by her deathly grip on the desk.
The class was dismissed and I stood up and waited for her to get to her feet. I grabbed her books and walked her to gym. What was she thinking now? The questions burning inside me were not the questions I was going to raise today.
Do you love me too? came to mind. I sighed as my curiosity was beginning to burn as hot as the thirst in my throat.
As I was walking with her I was fighting the urge to reach out and hold her hand, again. The urge was becoming unbearable. My thirst was now second to my new desires.
I was walking at her pace hoping I could convince myself that all of my cravings had to take a backseat to Bella's needs. She is so frail and breakable. The internal conflict was becoming regular.
When we finally reached the gym I still hadn't completely made up my mind. I was totally and utterly unsure of my path. When she turned to look at me with her deep communicative eyes any commitment I had crumbled to pieces.
She looked so glorious that my arm was raised, hand out, and caressing her face from her temple down to her jaw without my consent. A deep fervor brought new sensations down my spine. A tingling feeling rushed through my veins, entering my heart, expanding it with just the thought of my affection. As soon as I realized what I was doing I dropped my hand, turned around and staggered away.
Any semblance of my good nature persona was probably crushed at my rude goodbye. Heck, I didn't even say goodbye.
What in the world were you thinking? I thought angrily at myself. She didn't seem to mind though. She might have even leaned a little into my touch, the devilish side of me thought.
Wow, her instincts were backwards. Who would want to be touched by something so cold?
As I was walking I started peeking into peoples' minds in her gym class. After what happened last time in gym class I had to admit I was slightly anxious that she might injure herself again. To imagine her warmth dissipating nearly crippled me.
I wanted to stay out of Mikes mind but he was always paying so much attention to Bella. As much as I hated him, I appreciated him for always paying attention, but loathed him for unlocking some of her secrets before I did.
Reaching class I sat next to Emmett.
I really hate Cullen, he is such a freak. Mike was thinking in irritation. What does she see in him? He's such a tool. Mike thought scathingly while playing badminton. Well, things did seem a little cool between them in Biology.
At his thoughts I almost shot out of my seat in anger. He was mentally picturing fighting with me and winning Bella's affections. Suddenly, the thought of this feeble human trying to fight me was comical and I was trying very hard to suppress laughter.
Emmett stared at me as he watched the many expressions flicker across my face. I ignored him because I was busy watching Bella in gym.
Mike and Bella didn't speak, and I had to admit it was rather delightful to see him sweat over it. I really didn't like the way he thought about her, or the way he fantasized about being with her. I started to imagine all the ways I could torture him. I smiled at the wistful thought but I needed to banish that idea from my mind quickly before that daydream got too out of control.
What is so funny? Emmett was staring at me, smiling.
It was clear he wanted to know what was going on by his raised eyebrow, no mind reading necessary. I knew he was having a hard time with my situation with Bella. It wasn't because he cared, it was because of Rosalie. She was being difficult. If anything, he was having an enjoyable time with the situation minus Rosalie. Emmett was learning to love humans because he thought they were so hilarious.
I grinned at him and whispered too low for human ears to hear.
"Mike is thinking of fighting me," I chuckled low.
Emmett's eyes grew tight as his smile widened. Now he was trying to stifle a laugh. Emmett always loved a fight, but that one would be too easy.
We could just put him in a room with Rosalie. She has been very irritated lately, Emmett couldn't stop from laughing this time.
He pictured Rosalie in a room with Mike. In this image, Mike was pathetically trying to fight off a very powerful and pissed off Rosalie. Mike wouldn't stand a chance. I grinned widely at the thought, another chuckle escaping my lips.
Ms. Goff looked for the culprit of the laughing and passed over us quickly. Just like the other teachers, they all thought us to be perfect students.
Who is interrupting my class? What could possibly be so funny? She thought angrily.
I arrived outside the gym before Bella had exited, practically bouncing on the balls of my feet. My desires started flaring up again when she finally walked through the doors and her eyes met mine. A smile crept up her elegant face. She was happy to see me, too.
I don't deserve her.
I couldn't help but smile back. It was all I could do to not grab her up into my arms and hug her.
No mistakes. Especially after the one I made before her gym class.
Her scent enveloped me, and the monster reared up, but the desire to hold her over powered the monster and he was pushed into the dark again. Just another stupid bug on my windshield. My body was taking charge without my permission when it came to acquiring what I desired most with Bella.
To preoccupy my time I decided to start my questioning again.
I drove her to her house while unlocking the mysteries of her mind the whole all way there. I parked in her driveway while our conversation continued. We were so engrossed in our exchange that Bella didn't seem to notice we had stopped.
After sitting in the car for quite some time I noticed that she never tried to exit. I was bathing in her aroma and letting the hollow yearn in my stomach and the dry dull ache of my throat remind myself of the monster that I am.
I started asking her questions about her past and I became instantly terrified. Did I really want to know what was lurking in her past? Was there another boy? Someone she had to leave behind? Someone who could hold her, embrace her, care for her without having the desire to drink her dry of life? The fear behind this thought nearly crippled me so I decided I would ask her later about previous boys she dated.
Skipping over the subject I asked her why she loved Arizona. She explained it to me in great detail, excited to answer this one. The way she talked about the place was almost like she loved it, just like I loved her. She used her hands to describe things. It was like I unlocked her voice box. Her thoughts were finally being freed from her mind.
When she was done answering I already had another question in mind. I asked her what her room was like and she began telling me about it in detail. Of course I already knew exactly what it looked like; dotted with shoes, tangles of covers on her bed, closet lacking jumbles of clothes, piles of books and an old computer that at first glance you wouldn't think would work. I couldn't help myself. I had to be near her and asking the inconsequential seemed to be the best way. I felt so alone without her around.
When did she become my life? How did she become my life?
"Are you finished?" she asked with relief in her voice when I didn't spit out another query.
Finished? "Not even close - your father will be home soon." It was more of a reminder for me, not for her.
She looked out the window quickly like she was wondering where the sun went.
"How late is it?" she asked, a little panic in her voice.
She glanced at the clock and surprise crossed her face.
"It's twilight," I answered.
I looked out the windshield and realized another day was over.
"It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way... the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" I grinned at her, trying to remind myself to keep it light.
"I like the night" she announced. "Without the dark we would never see the stars," she frowned and looked out the window. "Not that you see them here much," she finished sarcastically.
Her tone caught me off guard and I laughed.
Crap, her father. I heard Charlie a few streets away.
"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him you will be with me Saturday..." I raised an eyebrow teasingly.
I wanted her to tell him because it would give me a reason to bring her back. It would keep my new desires in check...my thirst, my ever growing need to kidnap her and never bring her home again.
"Thanks but no thanks," she replied airily. There she went again, embracing danger.
She began gathering her books, looking a little uncomfortable. Did I say something wrong? Was it the look on my face?She turned and looked at me.
"So, is it my turn tomorrow, then?" she asked.
She still wanted to see me tomorrow! I rejoiced.
"Certainly not!" I said in mock rage.
It felt so good to be light and teasing around her. She made my skin sing.
"What more is there?" she said, perplexed.
There was everything more. I wanted to know everything about this girl, every detail of her life.
"You'll find out tomorrow." I teased.
I reached across her - before thinking about it - to open her door. Her warmth washed over me and it took every bit of my brain to concentrate on not leaning over and letting my desires take control. I heard her heart start to beat rapidly. It skipped a few beats and I felt her breath on me. I ached...I yearned for her.
No mistakes!
How much could I take before I did something I regretted?
A thought startled me back into reality.
I hope Charlie is home. I'm ready to watch the game. It sure has been a while since I've seen him, hope he's not still mad at me.
I froze with my hand on the door handle.
"Not good," I muttered.
I clenched my teeth together; it was Billy Black.
"What is it?" She stared at me trying to read my face.
Well, I knew I was going to have to let her out of the car eventually, but not while the Blacks were here. I wanted to take her and run. What other kind of stories could they fill her mind with?
"Another complication." I said glumly.
I grabbed the door handle and pushed it open. The air outside blew swiftly into the car and brought her scent with it. I was instantly ravenous and moved quickly away from her, trying to shove the monster back in my chest with the movement.
Stay Bella I wanted to beg but she really did need to just leave me alone. I knew I wouldn't let her leave me alone though, not after discovering that she was the most astounding creature I had ever known. I suppressed a sigh as the Blacks headlights flashed across her gorgeous face.
"Charlie's around the corner," I warned her.
She got out at once. Sheets of rain were pelting down on my windshield. Odd, I didn't notice it was raining until she opened the door. I could see her squinting through it towards the Black's car. She must not know who it is. I stared right through the headlights seeing very clearly. I could hear Jacob Blacks thoughts now and he was irritating me immediately.
Oh, it's Bella! I wonder if there is something wrong with her truck. I should take a look at it, maybe make something up that would take me a long time to fix so I could spend more time with her. Man, she is so pretty. I wonder what she thinks of me...Who is that? He stared in my direction but he didn't recognize me.
I had to get out of there. I squealed my tires and drove away more quickly than necessary. As I drove away I was struggling with myself about spying on her some more. Would the Blacks convince her to stay away from me? I was not oblivious to Billy's thoughts, I had heard his opinion many times in the past and he loathed me.
But Bella was still alive, and she was still with me. She said it didn't matter to her that I was a vampire. I wonder what it will finally be, the thing that scares her away, I pondered. The thoughts of leaving her alone started to become fewer and farther between.
What was her fate now? I was still worried about our trip to the meadow. I remembered Alice's vision before my resolve but they are so skewed that they could change the instant I decide to take a bite.
Would I kill her? Would I take her into my arms, press my lips to her neck and sink my teeth into her, making her an immortal? I couldn't even imagine being able to stop.
Would I ask Carlisle?
No, she didn't deserve my fate. I would never take her soul.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 00:03
14. Plans
Coasting down the sweeping drive, I was reveling in the scent that was still lingering in the car. When I pulled up to the garage I saw Jasper and Emmett fooling around and wrestling outside.
Instead of leaving the vehicle I took another breath. The aroma was intoxicating.
Jasper turned to stare at me after he was immersed immediately in undulations of love, like a sponge absorbing water. My intense love was flowing through me as if there were blood flowing through my veins again. Each second, Jasper was being saturated in my bliss. He shook his head in absolute fascination at my involvement with the human girl that was swiftly taking over my existence.
I rolled my eyes at him, ignoring his preconceived notions.
He turned back to Emmett, grabbing his wrist and swinging him over his shoulder while Emmett landed with a loud thud on the ground.
"I'm going to get you for that," Emmett grabbed at Jaspers ankle, bringing him down to the ground, another loud thud issued through the small clearing. They both jumped up and began beating on each other.
Watching the pair of them brawl was always amusing to me because Jasper would use moves that Emmett had never imagined before and Emmett would ultimately be defeated. Though he was tremendously sturdy, Jasper had familiarity in fighting particularly strong vampires. Their grappling continued while Jasper attempted to throw Emmett down, which eventually worked, but fighting with Emmett reminded me of a human trying to wrestle a piano up the stairs.
Dammit! Where does he come up with those moves?Emmett rumbled.
Jasper was chuckling in a patronizing tone at Emmett's indistinct muttering. I couldn't help but snicker right along with him.
He's in a better mood. "Hey, wanna wrestle, bro?"Emmet smiled at the thought.
"Emmett," I tried to stifle my chuckle. "You know that you will just get angry because I will hear what move you are going to make!" I said in good spirits.
Whatever, Edward! Emmett replied sarcastically.
His lip curved up in a menacing way and in the next instant he visualized tackling me. He flashed towards me, and in that second I bounded up and on his back, ready for the attack.
A few choice curse words exited his mouth. Snickering, I leapt off his back and continued walking towards the house, Jasper's loud guffaws continued echoing through the forest.
"It's so unfair, you know?" Emmett complained.
I am beginning to see why Alice likes this human girl so much, Edward is not brooding anymore, Jasper hit Emmett with a small pine tree.
Thwack.
"Ahhhh," Emmett shouted while running full force toward Jasper like a train going full speed.
Thwack.
Emmett laid on the ground, giving up.
Jasper chuckled.
I threw them a quick smile over my shoulder before entering the house.
"I bet he won't bring her back," Jasper said to Emmett, knowing I could still hear.
I grimaced.
"What's on the table?" Emmett chuckled.
"I won't use my abilities during our next three football games," Jasper said, grinning.
"Yeah, no more warm fuzzy feelings about how precious the pig skin football is!" Emmett agreed.
"And if you lose, Emmett?" Jasper continued.
"I won't say another word about that incident in Alaska...you remember, don't you?" Emmett retorted with a smile in his voice.
"You're on!" Jasper exclaimed.
This was apparently the second bet Jasper had made today, though I never understood why he would bet against Alice. I continued to be in better spirits regardless of the banter between Emmett and Jasper and no doubt it was due to the exceptionally delicate girl, Bella. I saw Alice and Rosalie working on their fashion line when I walked inside and they both looked up. Rosalie was finally starting to rein in most of her frustrations.
Alice flitted toward me. Can I meet Bella now? Please! I just found the perfect dress for her to wear. Seriously, have you seen the girl's wardrobe? She needs help!
Alice's vision of Bella and her, arms around each other's waist, once more flickered in her mind. There was something new there, though, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
"Alice, please, not now," I pleaded.
Her bottom lip puckered out and she frowned.
"I'm sorry, Alice. I just don't think I am ready." Or I'm not willing to share her when I just so recently obtained her, I thought dubiously.
It will happen, Edward. I love her and you can't keep her to yourself forever!Alice's lower lip was still protruding.
She marched away from me and began working with Rosalie again.
Pig, Rosalie snapped. At least her thoughts were becoming less insulting.
When I entered my room I placed a classical CD in the player, trying to drive my thoughts away from the brown-eyed girl that was always at the forefront of my mind. Instead of listening to the intricate workings of the master piece I was listening to all I could think about is how Bella's heart sounded strangely like the melody flowing from the violin in the background, or how her voice sounded like some musical ballad that no instrument would ever be able to duplicate. Or how the rhythm of her pulse was perfectly harmonious with her very soul.
An hour had elapsed and no matter how relentlessly I tried, all I could imagine was her magnificent bouquet, her blushing cheeks or her continuous, melody like heart pumping her soul with life. I was in dispute with myself about going to see her. Each grueling minute was passing at a snail's pace as I sat on my couch, yearning to be close to her. It wasn't long before I lost my internal argument, though; I sprang out my window and proceeded in the direction of Bella's.
There he goes again, Emmett saw me through the window.
When I arrived outside her house, Billy and Jacob Black were still there. I began searching their thoughts, hoping I hadn't missed something important. Jacob's thoughts were very irritating. He couldn't keep his eyes off Bella but his thoughts were not like Mike's; he put Bella on a pedestal in his mind and respected her. Regardless, I was still not happy about the way he fantasized her.
The Blacks were about to depart and I was able to listen in on them with no difficulty, easily probing their minds for information, secretly unlocking more of Bella's thoughts by spying on her. Here I was, being the vampire stalker again, like a falcon searching for prey.
"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked, excited. I really hope so...I think Bella likes me. Man, she is so good-looking!
"I'm not sure," Bella sidestepped Jacob's question.
Dang, I hope she comes to the reservation soon. I had a good time with her last time she was there. I think she likes me, too. She was flirting with me... I think.Jacob was picturing them strolling on the beach together.
I clenched my teeth tight enough to cut steel, I was so annoyed. Yes, I was undeniably aggravated.
Abruptly my mood was lightened when I saw how Bella was trying to flirt with Jacob in his memory. I suddenly couldn't suppress a laugh that came through my still clenched teeth when I saw how Bella was attempting to flirt. She truly had no idea what she did to the males around her, how her light flick of her lashes brought some boys to their knees, begging to go out with her. Unexpectedly, I felt sorry for the child. It couldn't possibly be his fault that she was entirely unaware to her exquisiteness.
"That was fun, Charlie," Billy said, though his thoughts were elsewhere. I can't believe I didn't get the opportunity to tell Charlie about Edward! Next time...
So, Billy did recognize me earlier. He probably weaved an intricate thread of lies into Bella's head. His recollection of his histories was more involved than I realized, but still, his opinions are based solely on half-truths.
"Come up for the next game," Charlie encouraged.
"Sure, sure," Billy said. "We'll be here. Have a good night."
He suddenly looked at Bella. I'm going to have a talk with her about this Cullen business. "You take care, Bella," he added gravely.
Billy had every right to be concerned about Bella. She was hanging around a vampire... for fun; what's more perilous than that? And not just any vampire; the one who hungered after her blood above all others of his kind. Though Bella's mind is cut off to my extraordinary gift, one thing was still certain: she was absolutely unique.
"Thanks," she mumbled and then looked away.
She didn't look incredibly pleased with Billy and without thinking about it, once again I tried to penetrate the solid wall surrounding her thoughts. Nothing, silence. So, instead, I was now observing Bella via Charlie's mind which was quite tedious at times considering his thoughts were sometimes non-existent and his human eyes were weak. I saw the back of Bella's head through his cloudy human vision as she began walking towards the stairs.
Charlie hurriedly called out to her. "Wait, Bella."
She jerked slightly and turned around warily. She had a severe look on her face, or maybe it was a look of guilt...shame? Hum, I really hope I hadn't missed anything for the short period of time that I was gone. What could she possibly be feeling guilty about? Again, I was chastising myself for not just giving up my hopeless effort to stay away from her. There was something I missed and now I was regretting my absence.
"I didn't get a chance to talk to you tonight. How was your day?" Charlie inquired.
"Good," Bella said, still hesitating on the stairs.
It looked like she was in deep thought and once again I was perturbed by the lack of thoughts emitting from her. What could possibly be going through that curious mind of hers? I tried to probe her mind once more, just to check, before I reached the silent and impenetrable barrier that was always there.
"My badminton team won all four games," she said dubiously.
I immediately remembered her hitting the net, herself, and Mike in one swing. Now that I knew she was all right, I laughed loudly. The poor girl really was the clumsiest creature I had ever known. She seriously had the grace of a drunk sailor playing golf.
"Wow, I didn't know you could play badminton!" Charlie exclaimed. Four games? Wow. I'm impressed.
I laughed even louder at the fact that he thought she was the reason why the team won. Charlie was truly taken aback and had every right to be according to her statement.
"Well, actually I can't, but my partner is really good," she admitted with chagrin.
Oh. I should have known better. "Who is it?" he insisted.
"Um..." she hesitated. "...Mike Newton."
Jealousy ripped at me. This new emotion was masterfully working its way into my daily routine and continuing to aggravate me. She didn't like him, it was obvious, yet every time they talked or I had to listen to his every fantasy, the little green monster grew to another size.
"Oh yeah - you said you were friends with the Newton kid. Nice family. Why didn't you ask him to the dance this weekend?" Charlie was smiling now and his thoughts were wistful.
There it was again, the now larger green monster tugging at my heart, making me want to bring my previous 'torture Mike' fantasies to reality. Blow torches came to mind.
"Dad!" Bella groaned, snapping me out of my unhealthy fantasy. "He's kind of dating my friend Jessica. Besides, you know I can't dance."
"Oh, yeah," Charlie muttered, disappointed. "So I guess it's good you'll be gone Saturday... I've made plans to go fishing with the guys from the station. The weather's supposed to be real warm. But if you wanted to put your trip off till someone could go with you, I'd stay home. I know I leave you here alone too much."
"Dad, you're doing a great job." Bella smiled at him and I saw a sign of relief in her eyes.
What was she so relieved about? Why wasn't she telling him she would be with me that day? Even if we weren't going to Seattle, as long as he knew she was with me...I'd have to bring her back. If she doesn't...No. Stop there.
"I've never minded being alone - I'm too much like you." She winked at him, a sign of trust.
She went upstairs after that and I could hear her preparing for bed. As soon as she was asleep I would be in her room again, watching over her as her vampire protector.
Bella slept very peacefully that night. I was sitting in my usual spot and taking pleasure in the delectable fragrance that was now engrained in my mind forever. Each breath sent flames down my throat, but it was somewhat pleasurable, too. I was hoping that with each painful gulp of air I would eventually become immune to her scent.
Deep down, I was still mildly worried that I wouldn't stay in control for long when I had her alone in the far away meadow. I took in another breath and it was like swallowing daggers, but it was almost a good pain, a sweet pain. After several hours, the scent started to feel less agonizing and much sweeter. I was grateful that it was becoming easier to be around her. If I were to be away from her for any period of time I would be afraid I would have to start all over again. I sighed. I was just giving myself excuses to never leave her.
Tonight, I ventured towards her pile of books. Along with Shakespeare there were other classics. Her copy of Wuthering Heights was torn to pieces. Going through the small pile next to her bed, I learned that she still had several surprises up her sleeves. She was, undoubtedly, the most original and unordinary teenager I had ever met.
When dawn broke across the night sky, I decided I needed to leave before Charlie woke up.
Darting through the misty forest, I was whizzing past trees at a lethal speed. The air from the night was moving rapidly past me and my throat was still burning from her magnificent fragrance. I was thinking about hunting prior to Saturday so that I would be prepared before I was with her in the meadow... alone. Me and her delicate soul alone - no thoughts, no nosy vampires - just me and her in the riveting meadow. The monster was too tightly bound and needed a release. Just a small ounce of prevention - inadequate though I knew it would be.
When I arrived at home Alice was waiting for me, already in on the plan. Let's go this afternoon!She beamed at me.
Her eyes were twinkling and she couldn't suppress her radiant smile. I soon saw why she wanted to go hunting with me so badly. Her vision was clear; she would be introduced to Bella today. Even though the meeting would be quick and last a few seconds, she was elated.
"Is that the only reason you want to go hunting with me?" I raised an eyebrow in disbelief.
Of course not, silly! I don't want you to hurt her, Edward. Hunting before you see Bella is a great idea. You could use my company, too. I can tell it bothers you that you don't have the greatest self-control, and I am used to it with Jasper. I understand.
"Okay, but you better be good! Don't thrust yourself on Bella. I don't want to scare her off." I paused for a moment before adding, "even though she probably needs a good dose of fear." I frowned.
Alice just grinned widely and scampered off into the house as she sang joyfully in her mind about meeting her new best friend.
"I mean it!" I shouted.
I washed up, jumped into my Volvo and hurried back to Bella's, pulling into the driveway as soon as Charlie was gone. Bella ran out of the house quickly, and this time she didn't hesitate before she got into the car eagerly. Her hair was shiny and smelled like strawberries, a strong whiff of it hit me as she shut the car door. As soon as the door was shut, her aroma swam around my nose. I was beginning to enjoy her scent, embracing it instead of cringing away from it. No mistakes. As soon as I saw her smiling face and recognized that she was pleased to see me, too, I couldn't help but smile back at her, it was an automatic response.
"How did you sleep?" I asked. I knew she slept well. I kept watch over her all night. She didn't even speak. It must have been a dreamless night for her.
"Fine, how was your night?" She smiled wider.
"Pleasant." I was thinking about how Bella had another suitor she didn't want, Jacob Black. She said yes to me. I couldn't help but feel euphoric.
She looked at me and her eyes were so warm and inviting. Her hot, delicious breath surrounded me and I just wanted to tell her how much I loved her. Couldn't she tell? It must be obviously splayed across my face. I took in the air between us. Mouth-watering; there were no other words to describe it.
"Can I ask what you did?" she inquired with a smirk.
She wanted to know what I was doing last night. Did she really care what I did, or was she just being polite? No, she did think about me. She even thinks that her feelings for me overshadow my own. She couldn't comprehend the mere complexity of my love for her. She didn't realize how lucky I really was.
"No, today is still mine," I said.
She looked at me in disbelief and kitten outrage. Today I had a brand new list of questions to ask her. I asked her about Renee, her hobbies, and what the two of them did in their free time together. I wanted to know about her grandparents, even her school friends. Every thought I unlocked was like opening a door to a new world.
During our lunch break together, I remembered I wanted to know more about her past relationships; or not, actually, but I still had to know her complete story. My lips moved and freed the question before I gave them permission to do so. She looked embarrassed and I watched as her face went from her lovely white and slowly began to flush pink. The flood of blood up to her face made me bite down on my cheek. Her flush was utterly stunning, and delectable. My surprise kept the monster at bay as the realization of the fact that she had never chosen anyone before me hit.
Were we dating? Is that what this is called?It was hard to believe that she didn't have someone in the past. Every male she has come across has had to mentally remind themselves to put their tongues back in their mouths. They flock to her. Did she say no to every one of them, even before me? She said yes to me, I reminded myself.
"So, you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked.
"Not in Phoenix," she answered, blushing again.
What are you thinking? My lips pressed together into a hard line. I watched her across the cafeteria table as she took a bite of her bagel. Human food did look utterly disgusting.
What does Edward see in Bella? She isn't even pretty, Jessica glared at her.
I wanted to shield Bella from her thoughts, but at that moment I remembered my hunting trip. "I should have let you drive yourself today."
"Why?" she demanded. She looked confused.
"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch," I said
She blinked, "Oh." She looked disappointed and then said, "That's okay; it's not that far of a walk."
What? She couldn't be serious. After all this time did she not think of me as a gentleman? I would never make her walk. I was frowning. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."
"I don't have my key with me," she sighed. "I really don't mind walking." She looked upset then.
What are you thinking now? This was getting exasperating. I shook my head.
I know where the key is, Edward, Alice's thoughts chimed in.
"Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition - unless you're afraid someone might steal it." I laughed. Who would want to steal that truck? If someone did I would hunt them down.
"All right," she agreed. She pursed her lips like she was thinking hard and I could almost see a hint of a challenge. I smirked at the thought. Having a psychic as a little sister had its advantages.
"So where are you going?" she asked casually.
"Hunting," I answered grimly. "If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can."
Run, Bella, run! Stay, Bella, stay, I was pleading silently. I had to give Bella the choice. It had to be her choice, always. "You can always cancel, you know."
She looked down and I was frustrated because I couldn't see her face.
"No," she whispered and looked up at me again. "I can't."
She can't? I sighed mentally and realized that I couldn't cancel either. "Perhaps you're right."
She changed the subject, "What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.
She looked upset. Had I said something to upset her? Exasperating, not knowing her thoughts was purely frustrating. Did some god send this wonderful creature here to drive me mad? Hoping I hadn't upset her I answered, "That depends... it's Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?" I offered.
"No!" she answered quickly.
I almost felt my heart restart after 80 years of being still. She didn't want to sleep in because she wanted to be with me. I tried my best to suppress a smile so she wouldn't be able to tell how pleased this actually made me.
"The same time as usual, then," I decided.
Then I wondered about Charlie. She didn't tell him that she was going with me, I speculated how she was going to explain me showing up at her house, "Will Charlie be there?"
Her eyes grew tight and she said, "No, he's fishing tomorrow."
She seemed enormously pleased about something. I thought about taking her and never bringing her back. Stop! That fantasy, above all the rest, should be the one I would will myself to never think. Didn't she want me to bring her back? I was feeling frustrated and my voice came out a little sharper then I meant, "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
She looked at me like she was prepared to answer this question, "I have no idea, he knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."
She was tempting me to seize her and run for it! I scowled at her and she attempted to be angry by scowling back. Just like always, she was just a vicious kitten. She scowled at me for a few more moments and then her expression changed. She looked thoughtful. What was she thinking now?
"What are you hunting tonight?" she inquired like she was asking me to pass the salt. It was so causal, like she was asking about the weather or what was on TV.
"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far." I mused.
"Why are you going with Alice?" she asked with obvious curiosity.
I considered this for a moment. She talked about my clandestine existence like it was normal. I mulled things over; how to tell her that it was Alice that was going because most of my family members were... un-approving of my newly found obsession with a human girl.
"She is the most... supportive." I frowned, thinking about her visions of vampire Bella.
You know it is because I am your favorite sister. Alice thought. Great, she was listening.
Bella looked up at me with her beautiful chocolate eyes, "And the others?" she asked apprehensively, "What are they?"
Pissed off that is what we are. Rosalie thought.
Emmet looked at Rosalie then and followed her stare. I try to rein her in bro, but she is feisty. That's Rosalie for ya. Emmett thought.
I wrinkled my brow and replied the best way I could without hurting her feelings, "Incredulous, for the most part."
I watched her gaze go from my face to over her shoulder. I watched my family with disbelief. They were staring off in different directions, acting like they weren't listening. I couldn't be so lucky.
"They don't like me," she guessed.
She wouldn't think that Edward if you would introduce us. You know Bella and I are going to be best friends. You know how much I love her. Alice mused.
"That's not it," I disagreed.
Liar, Rosalie thought.
"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone." I said.
Damn right I can't understand. She's a human. Rosalie thought with disgust.
It's true bro, I can't really understand the appeal, but if it makes you happy then I got your back. Emmett contemplated.
"Neither do I, for that matter." Bella added on top of the already massive amounts of thoughts coming from my family over this conversation.
I couldn't accept that she would consider something like that. Didn't she know that her beauty was one of a kind, inside and out? I've never meet a being quite like her before. I shook my head and rolled my eyes towards the ceiling, partially for her answer, and partially answering my family's thoughts. I looked back at Bella, "I told you - you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."
She glared at me with her furious kitten face again. I smiled at her face, "Having the advantages I do," I mused, touching my forehead, "I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you... you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."
She looked away then, and back at my family. She looked... embarrassed? Upset? I couldn't tell, "That part is easy enough to explain," I added. I wished she would look my direction, "But there's more... and it's not so easy to put into words-"
What the hell are you thinking of saying to her, Edward? Rosalie then turned and glared at Bella. What is so special about this girl? Huh? I don't see it. She is so breakable and human. You just keep her around because she smells like the greatest snack you'll ever have! Rosalie continued to give Bella a fierce look. If you take a bite out of her this will hurt our whole family, you know that!
I had it with her and I snarled under my breath.
Whatever, nitwit. Rosalie turned her head then.
Bella looked back at me then and I was relieved to see her face. She looked... frightened? Was that possible? Did Bella even know what fear was? I was going to have to give Rosalie a good scolding later.
"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see... it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly..." I didn't want to finish my sentence. I was hoping she wouldn't ask to hear the rest, but of course, she would want to know.
"If?"
"If this ends... badly." I put my head in my hands and tried to push the thought out of my head. Maybe she will finally see that this is serious. That I could... gulp... kill her at any moment. I could breathe her delectable scent in and one day the monster might break free from the darkness I put him in and decide to taste the delicious blood that I could see pulsing on her neck. I heard her drop her hand on the table. I kept trying to push those thoughts away, but then I took in a large gulp of her rich aroma. Instantly the monster reared up.
I heard Bella's shaky voice then, "And you have to leave now?"
The monster retreated then. "Yes," wait, she wasn't.... scared? She still didn't want me to leave? I relaxed and couldn't help but look delighted, "It's probably for the best. We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology - I don't think I could take any more."
Bella gave me a look like she completely understood what I meant, she must have been feeling the same way about the dull movie, not like I was watching it anyways.
It's time to meet Bella! Yay! Alice trilled in her mind. I could see the back of my head from her vision as she skipped over to the table.
"Alice," I said.
"Edward," she answered, and added, this is where you introduce us, in her thoughts.
"Alice, Bella - Bella, Alice," I introduced them, hoping that Alice won't start bugging me every five minutes about hanging out with her. I only barely obtained Bella, and I didn't want Alice to take all her time away from me.
"Hello, Bella," Alice smiled, "It's nice to finally meet you."
Once again I saw a vision of her and Bella arm in arm, smiling at each other, Bella's eyes bright, crimson red. I shot a dark look at her.
"Hi, Alice," Bella whispered shyly.
"Are you ready?" Alice asked me. I didn't want to leave Bella, but I was more than happy to remove Alice from her, "Nearly, I'll meet you at the car."
I glanced at Bella and as she watched Alice dance away.
"Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?" she asked, looking back at me.
Her expression showed a painful emotion, like me leaving her for a short moment in time would cause her great pain. She was so nonchalant about talking about my world that I couldn't help but grin.
"No, 'have fun,' works as well as anything." I said.
"Have fun, then" she said, I could tell there was an edge to her voice. Was she going to miss me while I was away? Being separated from her was overwhelmingly painful, was she feeling this way too? She couldn't possibly grasp the concept of the kind of love I felt for her.
"I'll try," I continued to smile at her, "And you try to be safe, please."
"Safe in Forks - what a challenge."
"For you it is a challenge." I hoped that she remembered my last request about her safety; that she stays out of the woods. "Promise." I begged. If she put herself in harm's way or was hurt in any way because I wasn't there to protect her... it would shattered my cold, silent, heart into pieces.
"I promise to try to be safe," she mused, "I'll do the laundry tonight - that ought to be fraught with peril."
If that were all she was going to do this evening, she should be safe. I remembered her incident in gym from the other day and grasped the concept that no matter what Bella was doing, there was always an opportunity for her to injure herself. The thought merely brought on an internal chuckle, though, and I teased, "Don't fall in."
"I'll do my best" she mocked.
I stood then, wishing I didn't have to leave. Bella got up too.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she sighed.
I was suddenly absorbed by my desires again. Maybe if I just lightly gripped her around the waist, I would only have to concentrate on the amount of pressure I used. No mistakes, I scolded myself. I suppressed a sigh.
"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked.
She nodded with a sullen expression. She was continually saying yes to me.
"I'll be there in the morning," I promised.
The infatuation I had over touching her was winning my inner dispute. I longed to hold her in my arms, to be engulfed in her warmth. I was craving her touch, too. My body was burning with the yearning to possess her and before I knew it I had reached over and touched her face, lightly touching her cheekbone. Her scent was lingering between us and I took air in my lungs slowly, as if to make the burning and aching of my throat a more pleasurable experience. It wasn't, it was only a burning pain and I knew if I didn't turn away now I wouldn't stop at her face. I'd grab at her waist and bring my lips to hers. No mistakes, I yelled internally. I turned on my heel and strode swiftly from the room, even though my mind was begging me to turn around and take the girl into my arms and... stop there!
When I arrived at the car Alice was sitting on the hood, "You know, Carlisle could help you turn her," Alice mused. I glared at her.
"I will not take her life Alice!"
"Sure fooled me, I thought I was going to have to drag you out of the lunch room with the visions that were flashing in my mind," Alice said, "Now I'm super thirsty after all the imagines I saw," she faux pouted.
"Like I said, I won't end her life," I eyed her evenly.
"Like I said," she mocked, "you should ask Carlisle. If you aren't biting her because you are afraid you will end her life, then why? To keep her human?" she looked at me in aversion, "but you know... Carlisle won't kill her." Alice continued.
"Alice, Bella will not be turned into a vampire, the first one who tries will suffer the consequences!" I growled.
"Okay, okay. Just a thought, Edward," she looked unhappy.
Alice got into the Volvo and we drove to Bella's.
She'll be fine, you know? Her night looks extremely uneventful. She really needs to get out more... Alice thought.
"I know, being away from her just makes me extremely anxious," I explained.
"I know," she trilled.
We arrived at Bella's shortly.
You'll find the key in her blue jeans downstairs in a blue laundry basket, Alice thought, figured I would save you some time. You would have found it eventually, of course, but this way you get out of there quicker.
"Thanks, Alice," I said, glad our little spat was patched up, or at least put behind us.
"You're Welcome!" Alice said while she jumped in the driver's side of the Volvo and drove off towards our house.
I was lurking inside Bella's house and found her truck key quickly. Her lingering scent was ever present throughout the house. I was breathing in deeper than I ever had before around the seductive scent, only because she wasn't here in the house. I was in no danger of hurting her when she wasn't here, I contemplated. So I took in another gulp of her perfume before I left the house, which I know I would regret later when I was hunting.
I drove her truck back to the school; her aroma was stronger in here than in her house. I tried to distract my mind by musing over all the things I could upgrade on her truck before Bella got out of school. If Rosalie and I were on better terms I would have her do some work under the hood. This truck couldn't possibly be that safe. I grabbed a piece of paper out of my backpack and decided to write a note to Bella. I have a keep sake from her, she deserves to have one from me, too. I thought of what to write while I was driving (more like snail crawling) back to the school. I decided simple was safer. When I parked the truck I left the key in the ignition and wrote "Be Safe" on the white piece of paper. I left it in her seat. I checked to make sure there was no one looking and I speed off through the forest and back home. Alice was waiting on the doorstep for me.
"Are you ready?" She trilled.
"Yes, let's go."
We sprinted through the forest in silence for several miles. I knew it was safe to hunt when the only thoughts I heard were Alice's. She was thinking about what she was going to pick out for Rosalie to wear tomorrow, whether green and pink or black and pink would look better on her new design for a shirt, and which shoe would look better with Esme's pants, open toed or not. Her thoughts wondered every which fashionable way possible, and I was grateful. I didn't want her to bring Bella up. She had so many visions and images in her mind when it came to Bella, and I would never be ready to see some of those visions come to light.
Her mind suddenly shifted to our purpose. She stopped suddenly and her eyes went blank. I saw flashes of a large animal in her thoughts but they were flashing and changing so rapidly I was unable to ascertain what she was seeing.
Her eyes focused on me now; there is a bear 5 miles from here. Go north and follow the river, you will run into him in 8.2 miles. Alice smiled at me.
"You know, Emmett will be jealous if I tell him you helped me catch a grizzly." I grinned.
"I know, but you need carnivore blood to help you out with tomorrow." She smirked.
"Meet you back here in 30?" I asked.
You've got it! She was gone before she finished her thought.
I ran north until I hit the river and followed it. I was letting the monster out of the cage, disengaging my ever flimsy hold on my growing thirst. The monster had been begging for release more than normal lately and I finally let my animal instincts take over. I thought of Bella's blood, and I was instantly ravenous. I came across a bear exactly 8.2 miles from my starting location. Alice really did have an amazing gift. The monster reared up and I let out a menacing growl. The bear stood on its hind legs and growled back unimpressively. I leapt towards the beast and quenched my thirst. I was right, Bella's scent and blood even made the bear's blood dull to the point of being dissatisfying. Bears were much more delicious then the deer I usually ate, but I had been exceedingly gluttonous with feeding since I met Bella, making my meals less than appetizing.
When the animal was dry of its blood I pushed the carcass off me and breathed in the cold night air. I rejoined with Alice shortly after.
"Are you going to Bella's tonight?" she asked.
"Of course, Alice, why?" I stared at her suspiciously.
"Oh, well, Jasper and Emmett have been missing you like crazy, I think I might have even seen Emmett pout the other night when you left so early," she chortled.
I didn't respond. I know that I had been spending an abundance of my time with Bella, but didn't they understand? They hardly leave their other half. That is what Bella had become though, my other half.
"Please, Edward... please," she begged.
I couldn't stand to see my little sister beg like this. I did owe my family a plenitude of my time after everything I had been putting them through lately.
"Okay Alice, but just for the earlier hours of the evening," I gave in.
During the evening Jasper, Emmet, Alice and myself decided that we were going to play cards. With the many talents my family members have, you would think that playing cards would be ludicrous. Jasper would be feeling the triumph or failure emitting from a card player, Alice would see future moves that you were going to make, and I could hear their thoughts. We didn't play games where we had to use our brains though. The card games we played were strictly speed based. With our vampire speed we tore through every deck of cards. Jasper and Emmet loved to gamble, and our games wouldn't be the same without a bet. Because of their constant opposition, Esme made us move our game outside before Emmett broke anymore furniture. Rosalie was still fuming about the situation with Bella, but even she couldn't hold herself up in the garage anymore and came to play. After 79 decks of cards, 2 broken tables, 1 broken vase, 1 ripped shirt (Jaspers), and 3 trees knocked down, we decided that we had caused enough destruction.
I did get pleasure from the time spent during the evening with my siblings. My regular moping had abruptly wilted away after I came back from Denali. I could tell that my family was enjoying the new Edward, the less mummy-like Edward. Something told me they didn't want the sulky one back again, which just gave me another excuse to stay with Bella.
Time passed slowly, even with the fun I was having with my family. I looked at the clock and noticed it was 10pm. I quickly stood up, ready to leave and watch Bella sleep. Emmett looked up at me and gave me a pleading look.
Come on bro, we are about to play some serious football. Jasper and I have come up with some new rules; you have to catch the ball with your elbows only. Come on, it will be hilarious! Emmett begged. Plus I have a bet that... he continued, but I interrupted him.
"Emmett, I'm sorry... maybe another time. It makes me uneasy to be away from her, you understand, right?"
Emmett scoffed and I grinned, "I knew you would understand!"
When I arrived at Bella's, she was already asleep. Any normal teenager would have been out with friends, going on a date, or shopping... but not my Bella. When I finally climbed through her window, I heard music playing. I was instantly intrigued. It was Chopin's Nocturnes. Once again, we shared a common interest. I knew this CD well. As I stepped closer to her, the scent that had almost taken me the first time we met entered my lungs and I felt like succumbing to the monster inside. She turned over once, and I heard her sigh my name. The clawing monster was instantly diminished.
She didn't move much after that, and she even lightly snored. I sat in the rocking chair breathing her scent in deeply. I was fighting all of my cravings tonight. She looked absolutely beautiful with her hair splayed across her face and pillow. Her pink cheeks lightly flushed. How long was I going to be able to suppress my growing desires to touch her? I knew that our trip to the meadow would either be our breaking or making point. Would she leave alive, or would she leave a vampire? I won't end her life, I promised myself. Tomorrow, of all the days I had spent with Bella, would be the one day I would not be allowed to make a mistake. I repeated, no mistakes, to myself for good measure. I suppressed a sigh. I honestly don't know if I will ever really leave her alone, but I would like to think that after tomorrow, I will have a plan.
When it started to get light outside I decided to leave, realizing Charlie would be up soon to go fishing. I was leaning over Bella, taking in her scent one last time before I left, and suddenly my hand was at her face lightly caressing. I pulled away immediately and flew out the window.
I decided that before I took Bella to the meadow, I needed to see Alice. Her visions were versatile lately. My future was a mystery and I wanted reassurance that Bella would come home to Charlie alive and unharmed. I knew what my decisions would be, but these new cravings were taking over. How many times had I reached out and touched Bella, not even realizing it until my hand was warming from her skin.
Alice greeted me at the door, "Edward, I know you are worried, let me show you what I see. There was one outcome where you bite Bella and she becomes a vampire, hum... but that one has become distant and fuzzy. This clearer vision shows you and Bella laying in the meadow, and my last vision shows you bringing her home safely." Alice showed me mentally.
I had a lump in my throat as I tried to thrust the first vision from my mind. That lump continued to grow as I began panicking. I didn't know how to ask, but I had to ask for her help. Before I could request her help, Alice answered, "I will be close by Edward. I won't let anything happen to Bella." I love her too, doesn't he realize this!
"Thanks, Alice." I whispered.
I swiftly rose up the stairs to prepare myself for our new journey together.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 20:30
Chapter 15
As I swiftly proceed through the forest I noticed that the sky was still cloudy enough that I wouldn't catch the attention of any unsuspecting humans until mid-afternoon. I was slightly apprehensive about today's events. My family had become more encouraging of my decisions surrounding Bella, but the outcome of her fate was still questionable. Alice had assured me one more time before I left home that Bella would be fine, and that she would still be close, "just in case." I knew what I willed her fate to be, but the many outcomes all appeared to be impractical to me. Take her life? Not hardly! Turn her into a vampire so I could keep her? Take her soul? So selfish - or I could leave her human and watch as she out grows me - I sighed.
The trees around me were becoming less dense and I was suddenly outside Bella's house. I advanced to her door, something I had never done before. I had constantly been scaling the walls and climbing in and out through the window when entering this house. It was relatively quiet. It was divulged of any thoughts. I heard buoyant footsteps coming down the stairs. I nimbly knocked on her front door, immediately tense. I listened to her fumble around with the dead bolt, but a second later she flung the door wide open, sending a wave of her heady scent towards me. I wasn't expecting it so suddenly. I had to move the dry ache of my thirst to the back of my mind, today is about Bella, I reminded myself. I finally gazed at her and noticed that she was wearing a white shirt with a tan sweater and blue jeans. I started laughing because I was wearing something similar.
"Good morning," I chuckled.
"What's wrong?" she glanced down at her clothes with panic in her voice.
"We match." I laughed again.
I saw her eyes travel from my collar down to my jeans and she joined in with my laughter. She marched out of the house then, and shut the door behind her, locking it. I turned to walk to her truck, remembering I conceded in our dispute of who would drive today. A cool breeze blew her aroma in my direction and I was instantly grateful that the majority of the day would be spent in the great outdoors, where her scent was not nearly as potent. I turned and looked at her as she walked towards the truck. She had a smug look on her face.
"We made a deal," she reminded me haughtily as she wrenched herself up into the driver's side seat.
I grimaced.
"Where to?" she asked.
"Put your seat belt on - I'm nervous already." I commanded, even though I was mostly teasing. There is no accident I couldn't protect her from.
She gave me a menacing look and reached over her shoulder and pulled the seat belt across her lap and buckled herself in.
She sighed, "Where to?" she repeated.
"Take the one-oh-one north." I instructed.
The heat coming from the vents in the truck sent her rich scent flooding into my lungs. The constant dull pain that her scent caused me was suddenly fierce. I stared at her face while she drove, a reminder that the most exquisite soul was next to me and that I needed to immediately cage the monster. I began planning the day in my head. If I knew what was to be expected, I would be less likely to make a mistake. That's right, no mistakes today! The problem with my planning was that I wasn't sure if we were going to make it to the meadow before the day ended because of how slow her truck was.
"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before night fall?" I teased, hoping it would encourage a faster pace.
"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather - have some respect." She retorted.
I continued to look fixedly at her. The anticipation of being all alone with Bella in the most peaceful meadow was causing a different type of monster to rear its head up now; infatuation maybe? It was electricity that was flowing through me now, preparing to be freed at a moment's touch. We were about to approach our next turn, "Turn right on the one-ten," I instructed.
She complied silently.
"Now we drive until the pavement ends." I smiled, thinking about how close we were to being by ourselves.
Some would consider our time now to mean 'alone', but my mind was abundantly full of the never ending humming and buzzing of thoughts. The meadow, my little slice of heaven, was one of the few places where I was able to give my mind some peace.
Bella's face turned curious, "and what's there, at the pavements end?" she asked.
"A trail."
"We're hiking?" she asked with panic in her tone.
"Is that a problem?"
"No," she lied.
"Don't worry, it is only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." Hoping my words would calm her.
I could understand her panic though; she couldn't walk across a room without tripping, falling, or running into something. The woods must seem like a mine field to her. She had nothing to worry about though, if she were to trip, I would gladly save her from hitting the ground. It would be so easy to place my hand lightly, gently, under her elbow as I helped her through the slippery forest floor. My new desire was pulsing through my skin, sending more electricity through my finger tips. This new - desire - was now adding to the constant pressure in my chest.
I fixed my eyes on her face, trying to comprehend the apparent terror in her eyes. Her expression altered numerous times, and instead of internally imploring my mind to finally perceive her thoughts, I decided I would simply make a request.
"What are you thinking?" I beseeched.
"Just wondering where we're going." She replied smoothly; she was hiding her fright.
I wanted to ease her mind a bit, so I provided a hint, "It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice."
I glanced out the window and she followed my gaze. The sky was still cloudy enough that my skin wasn't emitting rainbows.
"Charlie said it would be warm today," she mused.
Ah, Charlie. I remembered that she refused to tell him about our outing. Had she changed her mind about that?
"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked.
"Nope," she said complacently.
Of course not. But, she did tell Jessica about us, and the trip - hadn't she?
"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I asked. If she told Jessica, then I would have to bring her back, for her family and mine.
"No, I told her you canceled on me - which is true," she reminded me.
I was suddenly angry. Didn't she want me to bring her back? She would be willing to follow a killer into the woods, alone, and not tell a single soul. I growled internally. Who would know it was me who didn't bring her back home? I didn't want to bring her back and she was eager to tempt me to do just that. The monster began clawing at my chest bones again and I was dangerously irate that she put me in this situation. Hadn't I suffered enough? I pulled myself together, for the most part, before I responded.
"No one knows you're with me?" I growled.
She looked smug, "That depends... I assume you told Alice?" she pondered.
She thought that Alice knowing would make me want to bring her back?
"That's very helpful, Bella," I snapped, but at the sound of her name exiting my lips the electricity flared up and that new creature sent a lump to my throat. This... desire; a longing; ripped through my body. I glared at her then and she was looking out the windshield like the conversation never took place, so nonchalant. Anger suddenly flared again.
"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I hissed.
"You said it might cause trouble for you... us being together publicly," she reminded me.
Unbelievable! She was worried about my safety, "So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me - if you don't come home?" my voice rose on the last word.
She never looked away from the road, but nodded her head. She didn't look at all troubled about this!
Unbelievable, I muttered so low she couldn't understand me.
What could she possibly be thinking? Maybe she was sent here from my own personal hell to destroy me! Great - first her scent, then her ever growing presence in my life, and her unspoken thoughts; now she was essentially handing herself over to me on a silver platter. If I hadn't been continuously worried about my family she would have been dead when I first inhaled her heady scent. Now it was this precious soul in the car that I didn't want to destroy, and she was making it inconceivably hard not to. She was driving me to her demise.
Insane. It was the only word to describe her actions. Maybe masochistic?
Bella never took her eyes off the road. She must know that I was infuriated. The road did, though, inevitably end. There was a trail marked by a wooden sign; we would be going the opposite direction. She pulled the truck over, put it in park, and hoped out without one glance in my direction. I was immediately anxious that she didn't want to spend the rest of the day with me. Did I hurt her feelings? If she left me now - would I let her? Would she forgive me?
I pulled my sweater off and placed it in the truck. It was unnecessary for me to wear something that was supposed to bring warmth when I was a cold creature. I was secretly hoping that the sun would warm my skin when it eventually appears through the clouds. I shut the door harder then I intended. I turned towards the forest and quietly reminded myself, no mistakes.
"This way," I called to her.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her confused expression, "The trail?" she asked, terror in her voice. She had removed her sweater too, and it was tied securely around her waist.
"I won't let you get lost," I said with a mocking tone.
She continued to stare at me without moving. Was she frightened now? I couldn't tell for sure - was she about to run away? Run Bella, run, I thought, then added, stay Bella, stay. She still didn't move, and I was again asking myself the ever prominent question, what is she thinking? I remembered that the best way to break her from her dejection was to guess what she was thinking. She would correct me if I were wrong, so I asked, "Do you want to go home?" Pain broke through my voice without my permission.
"No," she answered while walking towards me until she was close enough that I could feel the warmth of her body wash over me like a tidal wave.
Her delectable scent made the monster inside me initiate it's slow clawing up my throat. I looked in her eyes, and there was still something distressing her. Fear maybe?
"What's wrong?" I asked, apprehensive.
"I'm not a good hiker," she looked glum; "You'll have to be very patient."
This wasn't a challenge. "I can be patient - if I make a great effort." I stared into her eyes and smiled, hoping she would realize that I wasn't lying. She didn't look convinced. Maybe she was finally coming to her senses. Was she afraid? Was it really fear I was sensing? Fear, I scoffed internally.
"I'll take you home," I assured her.
Abruptly she responded, "If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she hissed.
So it wasn't fear that I saw, it was anger? Of course, I thought. I stood there frozen for a moment and frowned. I concealed a sigh and started towards the forest.
I knew the forest well, and I chose a path that would be easiest for Bella. There were a few places where I had to move branches and hold down ferns to help her pass. When boulders and downed trees were in our path I hesitated only briefly. I didn't want to offer my hand, still worried that my ice cold skin would repulse her. I concentrated a great deal when I finally reached out to steady her by lifting her by her elbow. I knew if I were to hold any part of her body besides there, my desires would take over and I would bring my cold lips to her soft, warm ones. Each time I helped her, her heart would skip a beat, stutter, falter, and then rapidly pick up in double time. A few times I was worried that her heart had completely stopped.
At one moment, I was helping her over a tree when the thought of kissing her sent a rush of desire through my body and I almost dropped her. She didn't notice. She was concentrating intently on not falling or tripping. After walking in silence for some distance, I decided to distract myself by asking her some more questions. She told me about some of her birthdays with her mother and stories about her grade school teachers. Each time she looked at me her breath sent a rush of longing and electricity through me. I thought of a few more questions, but the funniest answer I heard all day was when I asked her about family pets.
"I have to admit, after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution," she told me.
I laughed so loudly that it echoed through the forest.
I didn't mind being patient with Bella. Every moment spent with her was a blessing. The hours passed and I was holding back the monster inside me and my new found creature, desire. It was easier than I anticipated. How long I could keep them both caged was still a mystery. The sun was beginning to protrude through the tops of the trees. I was feeling a little uneasy about her seeing me in the sunlight. Would that be the moment she decides to leave my world?
"Are we there yet?" Bella asked in mock-rage after several hours of hiking.
"Nearly" I reassured her with a smile, "Do you see the brightness ahead?"
I looked through the dense forest at the bright sunlight beaming through to the opening of a beautiful meadow. I watched her squint her eyes and look impatient.
"Um, should I?" she asked incredulous.
I smirked, "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
She looked at me then, "Time to visit the optometrist," she grumbled.
Like seeing the optometrist would improve her vision. My grin grew wider across my face.
I noticed when she saw the light from the meadow. The sun was lighting the grassy floor and beautiful colors were reflecting from the different vegetation. I let her lead the way then, following behind her. I wanted her to enter the meadow first. Abruptly, a lump entered my throat at the thought of letting her see my crystal like skin reflecting in the sunlight.
We reached the meadow then. I stopped in the shadows as I watched Bella walk easily into the sunlight. She gazed around with a look of wonder in her eyes. I could see her taking it all in, the flowers, the green grass, and the musical water in the background. She turned then, wondering where I had gone.
I stood, once again, at the edge of the sunlight, like I had that time in Port Angeles. Then, I was fenced in by the dark shadows... so limited, but this time I just needed to make that one simple step. Bella stepped towards me then, curiosity flaring in her eyes. I was reluctant to pass this invisible line. I belonged in the shadows, she belonged in the light. She smiled at me then and moved a step closer. She raised her hand in welcome. I wasn't ready, I put my hand up to stop her before she got to close, and she stopped hesitantly. It was too late, her warmth hit me suddenly and I took in a deep breath. Unthinking, I stepped closer to her, breaking the invisible fence between light and dark.
Author's note: Thank you for the support on this story so far. I feel like with each chapter I become a better writer and if it wasn't for those of you who have been reading it and reviewing I probably would have never gotten this far!
As I stepped into the sunlight my skin instantly absorbed the rays and emitted them back out in a band of colors. I could see my reflection in her deep chocolate eyes and in that moment I became a statue of uneasiness. What would this revelation do to her resolve? Her mouth slightly parted and I could smell her sweet breath on the light breeze. She only hesitated for a second, and then, with deliberate slowness, stepped closer to me, and I could instantly tell it wasn't because she had an aversion to me, but because she was anxious of what my reaction would be. I moved in that moment, a smile slowly spread across my face. She returned my smile immediately.
Neither of us spoke for an immeasurable moment. I couldn't read her thoughts, but I could clearly read her eyes and her facial expressions. She was dazzled, and so was I. She slid down to the forest floor then, and sat with her arms around her knees. I mirrored her actions and lowered myself to the ground next to her.
There were no foreign thoughts in my head at this moment and it was amazingly pleasant. I lay on the ground with my eyes closed. I felt the warm sun on my ice cold skin and hoped that it would warm up my skin so it wouldn't be abhorrent to the touch. As I laid there in silence, I was breathing in her fragrance. Mixed with the outside air and breeze, her scent was more appealing than it should be. As the silence around us grew, I began composing in my head and singing so quietly that I wasn't sure if Bella would be able to hear. She couldn't hear, because she asked after a minute what I was doing.
As I lay there, enjoying the quietness of my mind and the divine essence of Bella, I felt something very lightly caress my hand. She was warm and I felt so many emotions at once, desire - fear - anxiety. My desire won my attention though, but the other emotions were still there in the back of my mind. I opened my eyes then, and my eyes met her face. She was the most exquisite creature I had ever seen. Her brown hair had glittering red tints in it when the sunlight hit it just right and her wide eyes were sparkling. She was staring fixedly at my hand, but moved her gaze to meet mine. She looked hesitant, like she was preparing for a scolding. I smiled then.
"I don't scare you?" I tried to sound playful, though I was curious.
"No more than usual," she replied playfully.
My smile grew, and I was nearly grinning from ear to ear. She returned my smile and then moved her stroking fingers up my forearm. I could see her hand quiver slightly as she moved her hand back and forth. I closed my eyes then. I didn't want to look away from her, but my thirst for her touch was growing. Desire was pulsing through my veins. In that moment I pictured grabbing her and holding her to my chest, caressing her back with my hands and pulling her ever closer. I imagined pulling her face into my hands and stroking her cheeks and hair. Desire pulsed through me in waves and I knew she could feel the electricity too. She was still tentative.
"Do you mind?" she inquired.
Didn't she know that she was sending large electric shocks of pleasure through my body?
"No," I replied, still keeping my eyes shut, afraid that if I were to look upon her, I would make my fantasies a reality, and I couldn't let that happen. "You can't imagine how that feels."
I sighed.
She continued to trail her warm fingers across my arm, expanding her search up my arm. I felt the new creature, desire, break through my carefully cultivated fa?ade and divulged into more fantasies. I pictured bringing my lips to her neck, not to take her life, but to kiss lightly. I imagined moving my lips from her neck to her ear where I would whisper how much I loved her.
She grabbed my hand lightly with her free hand and was trying to turn it over. My own nature took over and I flipped my hand, palm up, so fast that her fingers froze on my arm and I realized that I made a mistake. No mistakes, I reminded myself.
"Sorry," I whispered.
I briefly caught a glimpse of her face, making sure I was forgiven. I saw that I was, and closed my eyes again then added, "It's too easy to be myself with you."
She carefully moved my hand back and forth in hers. She was incredibly warm and electricity was throbbing through me. I imagined bringing my lips down her jaw line and then to her unbelievably warm and delicious lips. I sighed internally at the new creature who had broken through all the barriers I had placed to protect this amazing soul next to me. Was she feeling the same desires? I opened my eyes to try and read her expression. Reflections of rainbows were scattered across her face. She looked peaceful. Not being able to hear her thoughts was still taxing. Instantly, I had to know...
"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded.
Her eyes swiftly met mine.
"It's still so strange for me, not knowing," I explained.
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time," she said, her voice acerbic.
"It's a hard life," I acknowledged.
I willed my mind to hear her thoughts in that moment... even a single sound would quench my ever dying thirst for her knowing mind. I realized then that she hadn't told me what was on her mind, "But you didn't tell me."
She paused for a moment, biting her delicate bottom lip, "I was wishing I could know what you were thinking..." her voice faltered.
I tried to encourage her to continue, "And?"
Her voice accelerated then, "I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."
I was grief-stricken instantaneously.
"I don't want you to be afraid," I spoke the words that were undeniable. I kept my voice soft, pleading. She should be afraid though, she should fear this menacing creature in front of her. She spoke then, bringing me out of my dejection, "Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that is certainly something to think about."
Without thinking, I propped myself up on my right arm, in a momentum that would have been unsettling to a human, but my Bella didn't move a centimeter. During my movement, my left hand stayed securely in hers. My action had only placed me but a few inches from her glorious face. Electricity exploded in me and it took every fiber of my being not to move those few extra inches and place my lips to her delicate ones. I stared fixedly at her and she was dazzled.
"What are you afraid of, then?" I wondered.
She took a deep breath, and then leaned in, inhaling my scent. I took in the sweet air between us into my lungs, too. I was instantly eager. Ecstasy quickly washed over me and I began to lean closer to place my lips against hers. Before she noticed that I had leaned in too, I did the only thing I could to stop my passion from becoming her death and I fled. I was instantly standing in the shade across the meadow. I tried to leave off any expression that would be readable on my face. I didn't want her to see the monster that almost broke free. Which one? I asked myself.
She looked around until she spotted me and then met my gaze. Her face displayed many emotions until she finally settled on shocked. I immediately felt like reaching into my chest to calm my still heart. I could tell that I had done something to upset her.
"I'm... sorry... Edward," she whispered.
No mistakes, I ordered to myself. I just needed to tame the beast within. The craving for her body was overwhelming.
"Give me a moment," I implored.
I took one - two - three deep breaths, hoping to dispel any lingering lust for her blood. I am dangerous, I know she saw that, but I didn't want her to know this side of me. I looked at her then, keeping her eyes fixed in mine and walked slowly back into the light, a place I knew I didn't belong. I stopped several feet from her now, trying to bridle my flaming desires. I sank to the ground then, never taking my eyes off Bella. I didn't want to miss a single expression.
I inhaled the air around me, slowly welcoming back her fragrance. I took another breath, just to reassure myself that I could handle this. No mistakes, I reminded myself, though I already knew I had made too many. With our eyes still fixed, I tried to calm her with a smile, "I am so very sorry."
How do I make her understand how sorry I am?
"Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I asked, hoping that she would comprehend what I was trying to explain to her.
She nodded once, with just a light twitch of her lips. Was she afraid now? Had I made a mistake so devastating that she would never grace me with her presence again? I could hear how hard her heart was working, trying to get the blood to her body as quickly as possible. I realized then, that I had promised myself that I would show her what I truly am, so she could understand why we shouldn't be together. My smile turned devilish in the thought of what I was going to show her now.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I bellowed.
I ran around the meadow two times at my normal pace to add to my statement, "As if you could outrun me," I laughed sharply.
I watched her face, she didn't seem convinced that I was a monster yet so I grabbed the closest branch from the tree next to me and snapped it in half like I was breaking a twig. I held it in my hand effortlessly and then threw it so it hit another tree and it broke into several pieces. She looked frightened then, and I was immediately thrown into purgatory. I had to calm her somehow! I went to her in that instant, standing only two feet away, frozen so I wouldn't scare her.
"As if you could fight me off," I said, tenderly.
Her eyes never left mine, and I watched them grow wide during my attempt to persuade her to see the deplorable creature that I am. She didn't run from me, even after she witnessed the things I could do - the things I could do to her, I added. I felt a lump rise in my throat. She wasn't running... why wasn't she running? I could see the terror in her eyes, yet she stayed. I knew how she felt though; I knew I couldn't leave her either. If she were to stay with me, I couldn't bare to witness her terrified expression, "Don't be afraid," I said gently, "I promise..." the words were all wrong, I paused, thinking. How could I promise something I was so unsure of? "I swear not to hurt you," I refuted.
No mistakes - I snapped at my new enemy, desire. I looked at her expression then, and I obviously hadn't convinced her.
"Don't be afraid," I begged in a whisper.
I stepped closer, but I gave myself adequate space from her so that I wouldn't be tempted to grab her around the waist, pull her body close to mine, gently grab her chin and direct her mouth to mine... stop there! While I was spinning my fantasies I realized I was now only a foot away from her face, not knowing how I had gotten there.
Keep it together - I snapped at myself. Desire had surely taken over.
"Please forgive me," I begged, "I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I tried to persuade myself more than anything.
I was beginning to worry about her. Bella hadn't even whimpered or made a single noise since I decided to show her exactly what a vampire was capable of. Hadn't I reassured her that I wouldn't hurt her after my mistake? What else could I say?
"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked trying to show her she could trust me.
She suddenly, and unexpectedly, began laughing. Her silvery bell chime voice shaking slightly. Had she gone mad? Did I finally do something to make her mind snap? Horribly, terrifyingly, I was worried that I had damaged the one person who I loved above all else.
"Are you all right?" I asked delicately.
Maybe if I were to try and put us back together again. I placed my hand back in hers and the warmth made me inhale her heady scent while passion and desire started rearing their heads up in approval. She looked down at my hand then, like I had pulled her out of a deep thought. Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine. I was pleading for forgiveness with my eyes, hoping she could see that I was sorry.
She looked back at my hand again, like she was checking that it was still there. Suddenly I was shivering in pleasure as her fingers began tracing lines up and down my arm again. She returned her gaze to my face again and smiled apprehensively. Was everything back to normal now? I returned her smile quickly so she would feel reassured.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked, making sure she realized that I was still sorry for my mistake.
"I honestly can't remember," she said, and I was grateful for her response.
I smiled but the remorse was still plain on my face.
"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason." I reminded her.
"Oh, right," she paused.
"Well?" I pushed, impatiently.
She looked away from me again, and stared fixedly on my hand that she was caressing. She didn't look back up or respond for several seconds. What are you thinking? I asked internally. I was becoming extremely frustrated.
"How easily frustrated I am," I sighed then.
She returned her gaze to my face, still not responding. I wanted to take her into my arms then, but she saved me from making my mistake by finally responding, "I was afraid... because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."
Her eyes left mine then, returning to our hands. Was she finally admitting what I have been trying to convince her of the whole time? That being with me was dangerous...
"Yes," I agreed, "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."
She frowned then. Was she upset now? What was I doing to this wonderful girl? Will I inevitable kill her?
"I should have left long ago," I sighed. I was now beginning to think aloud, "I should leave now. But I don't know if I can."
She pulled me out of my thoughts, "I don't want you to leave," she whimpered, looking at our hands again.
Why did she have to make everything so difficult? Why did she have to want me as absolutely as I wanted her?
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should," I said. I crave more than just her company, I crave her body, her blood, her soft sweet lips...
"I'm glad."
"Don't be!" I snapped.
I pulled my hand from her grip. I couldn't let her go if she was holding onto me. I showed her what kind of a monster I am and she becomes frightened - then I try to reassure her that I won't hurt her... What is my problem? I moved my gaze from her face to the forest, knowing I couldn't let her go if I was staring at her, looking into those deep chocolate eyes.
"It's not only your company I crave. Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I realized I had become harsh, and again, I was nervous that I might have hurt her feelings.
I heard her heart beating. It was a heavenly sound. She spoke then, "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway."
I turned to look at her then; I hadn't expected her to ask this question. I smiled, realizing I never truly explained what her blood does to me.
"How do I explain?" I deliberated, "And without frightening you again... hmmmm."
My hand was suddenly warm again, and I realized that it had found its way back into her hands. I reached out and placed it there without even giving it my permission. I was distracted immediately, "That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." I sighed.
I began thinking of how I could explain what her blood does to me. What could I say that would make it not sound like I was fighting to not drink her blood every second I was around her? It's true, the monster has been clawing less, but that is because my desires to possess her in other ways had become forefront in my mind. Maybe a food analogy?
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" I asked, "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"
She nodded, and I decided that maybe food wasn't the best way to explain this, "Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain."
She smiled and I returned it. I mulled over how to explain this craving I have, "You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now, let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with its warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?" I tried to explain.
I stared fixedly at her then, waiting for her to understand. Alcohol was such a weak comparison. How her blood could ever compare to something so flagrant. At that moment, a light breeze enhanced what I was thinking. Her scent continued to leave a dry dull ache in my throat. She still hadn't answered.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead." I decided.
I had never drank alcohol or did any type of drug, those things do nothing for me, but I do know what these things could do to a human. My degrees in medicine helped me understand these types of addictions, but my addiction to Bella was still no comparison.
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" she asked playfully.
She always knew what to say to lift my spirits. I smiled at her, "Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?" she asked me.
It doesn't happen often, I have only seen it too clearly in Emmett's mind what happened when he crossed paths with someone who smelled as delicious as Bella does to me. I didn't know how to answer her question without making her fear me more, but maybe she needed another dose of fear, "I spoke to my brothers about it." I told her.
I looked away from her as I spoke, not wanting to see her reaction to what I was about to tell her, "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I inclined my head in her direction, hoping she would understand I was sorry that I would have to tell her the rest, "Sorry." I murmured.
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can," she commanded me.
Silly Bella, I'm always worried about your well being, even your mental health, I thought. I gulped in some of the air around us. Her scent went rushing down my throat and filled my lungs with a burning hunger, emphasizing my explanation, "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," I hesitated, making sure I'd pick a word that wouldn't scare her, "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never," I responded.
We were both silent then. What was she thinking now?
"What did Emmett do?" she asked.
I wished she hadn't asked this question. I clenched my teeth as I remembered what happened just as clearly as Emmett had when he was telling me about his experiences. Of course, the humans didn't survive. Bella will live, I promised myself, because I knew I couldn't live without her now.
"I guess I know," she said, taking the burden off my shoulders.
I looked at her then, wishing she would understand that I didn't want her fate to be like those other humans, that I loved her and would do everything in my power to protect her. I sighed internally; "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?" the thought was wistful.
"What are you asking? My permission?" she hissed acidly, "I mean, is there no hope then?" she said softly.
She spoke openly about her death, like she would have welcomed it if it came from me. How could she possibly think there was no hope? Hadn't I proven that I was stronger than I was when I first engulfed her fragrance? I was instantly repentant, "No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't..." take your life, I added mentally.
I was gazing into her wide eyes. I wanted to explain to her that I was different then my brother. I just wanted her to understand that there was hope.
"It's different for us. Emmet... these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as... practiced, as careful, as he is now."
I watched her expressions. She was in deep thought. She bit at her lower lip and instantly I wondered what her lower lip would taste like. She broke through my fantasy before it got out of control, "So if we'd met... oh, in a dark alley or something..." she left the sentence hanging.
I answered without thinking, "It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and - " I realized I was about to tell her that I thought about snapping all of their necks and saving her for last so I could enjoy her warm blood alone. I decided to leave some details out, "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
I paused, looking into the trees. A scowl ever present on my face by the choice of our topic. I glanced at her and I could see that she was remembering that first meeting, too.
"You must have thought I was possessed," I said grimly.
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly..." she trailed off.
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin... I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow..." the memory bit at my cold heart.
Bella's lips had parted then, a little gasp of horror etched into her skin.
"You would have come," I told her.
And she would have. The way Bella flocks towards danger, it would have been very easy. I remembered how I had planned to take her as soon as I got her by myself and grimaced internally.
"Without a doubt," she replied
I removed my eyes from her face then, and frowned down at our hands. I was remembering that first day, "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with."
I felt her tremble and was immediately concerned that I had said too much. Her eyes were blank, like she was remembering something awful, and she trembled again. I was instantly angry with myself for ever making her feel that way. My behavior that first day was something I have tried to forget, but my mind is not like a human's, I retain every last detail of every moment. She didn't speak.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving." I explained to her.
Of all the things I did that day after I had inhaled the most delicious blood ever, fleeing was the only one I was satisfied with. If I hadn't, surely she would be dead - my eyes crimson. I continued my story,
"I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary... By the next morning I was in Alaska," chagrin was etched in my face. I know it was weak to run away, but what else could I have done?
Bella sat there, frozen, enveloped in my story. I continued, "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances... but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" - I smiled at the fact that I ever thought her insignificant because she was the most significant thing in my world, "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back..." I peered into the forest then, remembering how my family surrounded me my first day back at school, afraid I'd still kill her.
Bella was speechless. Her fingers were still slowly moving up and down my arm. Telling her this story now, I suddenly felt free. I wanted to explain this to her since the first time I came back to school, to explain the reasons for loathing her so much that first day. I wanted Bella to be acquainted with everything about me. I continued, "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human, I was arrogant about it."
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating," I frowned, trying once more to make my mind explore hers with no luck.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions... and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair and the scent would stun me again... Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"
I closed my eyes then, remembering that fateful day; the van rushing towards her, me running to save her. I remembered how I was very afraid I had hurt her... and I remember it was the first time I had held her in my arms, securely to my chest. I was craving to hold her to me again. Bella pulled me from my distraction, "In the hospital?" she asked.
My eyes met hers then, "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I felt a jolt of pain at the thought, and I felt Bella shiver too, "But it had the opposite effect," I told her quickly, trying to reassure her, "I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice," of course, Alice was thinking I would turn her.
I frowned at the thought but continued, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I tried to shake the uneasiness I was feeling, because the only way I would stay, was to stop seeing her, and I knew that there was nothing that would prevent me from seeing her, now. The pain I would endure if I were to leave her was inconceivable.
"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair... it hit me as hard as the very first day." My eyes found hers then.
My lungs took in the air around us, and the scent was the most delicious fragrant. I took in one more gulp of air and continued, hoping I hadn't scared her off, "And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."
I was still irritated at the fact that she hadn't told a single soul that she was spending the day with me.
"Why?" she asked.
I didn't understand why she had to ask, didn't she know that it would cause me physical pain to hurt her now, that I loved her more than my own existence?
"Isabella." I said, letting her know that I was being nothing but serious by saying her full name. I stared into her eyes then, and my hand came up and I carefully ruffled her hair with my free hand. The current of electricity was now going in one hand and out the other, being released and zapping again with our touches, like we were meant to be joined together.
"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down, away from her gaze because I was abashed. I didn't want the words to exit my mouth, but she had to know, "The thought of you, still, white, cold... to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses...it would be unendurable." I returned my gaze to her eyes then, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
At the sound of my words, a craving burst through my chest and it wasn't for her blood, it was for her soul. I wanted to hold this precious soul close to me and never let go. To protect it from anything and everything that would harm it. I continued to stare fixedly upon her face, she had looked down, securing my hand in hers... reaffirming that she felt the same way. She spoke then, "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here... which roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." Her lips turned down then, "I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," I agreed, but I couldn't help but laugh. She met my gaze then and joined in with my laughter. My cold dead heart squeezed in that moment. I felt eager to pull our bodies together, to intertwine them. After everything I confessed today, she still wanted to be with me, she was continually saying yes to me. At that moment, I wanted to confess my feelings for her. I wanted to bring her close to my body and whisper what she meant to me. I finally spoke, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," I whispered.
She looked away then and her cheeks began to flush.
"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.
"What a sick masochistic lion." I murmured.
I had wondered if she were masochistic before, about not telling anyone we were together today and realized it was me who gained gratification from pain, not her. Every breath, every touch... it was exceedingly painful and fantastic. Every moment of pain I was feeling was pleasurable because I was able to be with her. I continued to seek her out and deny myself a touch. I was the only one who was masochistic here.
"Why...?" Bella asked, not finishing her question. She had paused, like she wasn't sure how to finish. Ah, what was she thinking now? I smiled at her expression, "Yes?"
"Tell me why you ran from me before." She pleaded.
My lips began to turn down then, "You know why."
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This for example" she caressed my hand then and the warmth sent electricity up my spine and down to my toes, "seems to be all right."
My smile returned. She wanted to make things easier for me because she wanted to be with me. Even after we leave this meadow, she was planning on staying with me. Would I ever get use to this wonderful creature? She needed to understand though, that there wasn't anything she did to make me want to take her life, it was strictly on how delicious she smelled.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." She explained.
"Well..." honestly, everything she did made it difficult for me. Her scent - her attachment to me - her unreadable thoughts - how she was constantly needing me to save her, it all made it difficult. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness...I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I was immediately aware that I almost exposed how much I craved everything about her. I looked at her then, making sure I hadn't scared her with what little I told her.
"Okay then," she replied breezily.
She tucked her neck in then, "No throat exposure." She said seriously.
My laugh was instantaneous. She didn't understand what I was trying to say, "No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."
I raised my hand then, trying to prove a point, and placed my hand gently on her soft, warm, neck. In that moment, I pictured doing several things; bringing her closer to me and caressing her striking face, running my hand up through her hair so I could lightly pull her to my lips, bringing my nose to her neck and smell her from her neck to her ear... but I resisted.
"You see, perfectly fine." I said.
I felt her blood pulsing under my palm and her breath coming faster and blowing sweetly into my face. The scent, the sound, it was so appealing. Eagerness ran through me and I was instantly excited. She began to blush a light red color that set her eyes and lips glowing richly with desire.
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I whispered.
That insatiable creature, desire, refused to be caged at this point and took over my body. I released my hand from her grasp lightly and watched her hands fall limply into her lap. I reached up; slowly, deliberately gentle to place my hand on her cheek. I held her warm, precious face, in between my hands. I filled my lungs with her luscious scent, and it only sent electricity through my body now, being released slowly into her sweet cheeks from my palms. My passion for her was making me greedy.
"Be very still," I whispered.
I looked deep into her eyes and leaned in to kiss her, to bring my lips to hers and lick her warm skin, but abruptly I changed my mind, not wanting to tempt myself anymore then I already was. I placed my cheek against her neck. It fit there, like it belonged. I didn't know what I was doing, but ecstasy was quickly filling my veins. I continued to breathe in her aroma, and decided I needed a better whiff of what was driving me to crave more and more. I let my hands slide from her neck, just in case I was to make a mistake during my inability to re-cage my desires and snap it. I slowly brought my face closer to her collarbone and my nose lightly brushed her skin. She trembled then. The thought of what I was doing to her sent spasms of pleasurable electricity through my body and I inhaled one quick breath and held it for only a second longer than normal before releasing the air. The fragrance left a dull ache in my throat, but it was second to my new desires now. I continued to move my head and finally rested against her chest, making sure that each touch was calculated so I wouldn't damage her. Her heart was still racing under the tender membrane of her skin.
"Ah," I sighed.
I continued to listen to her heart. Sometimes it skipped a beat, and a few times it stopped all together. After an immeasurable moment her pulse slowed, and I realized in that moment that it was the most significant sound in my life. She never moved, but all too soon I was releasing her. I had brought her to me and didn't hurt her.
"It won't be so hard again," I said with resolution.
"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?" I asked, still curious if I were what she really wanted, if what I did was something she wanted.
"No, it wasn't bad...for me." She said timidly.
I grinned. Of course it wasn't hard for her...and I know it wasn't bad, either.
"You know what I mean." She said ruefully, and then smiled.
My face was warm from being against her for so long, "Here," I said, placing her hand against my cheek, "Do you feel how warm it is?"
Electricity flowed through our touch. Suddenly, she whispered, "Don't move."
I froze. I closed my eyes then, and settled into being a statue. I could smell the air being stirred close to my face and suddenly she was touching my cheek, her warm hand rubbing up and down my face, like she had been doing with my arm. I wanted to pull her into my chest, and I wanted to push her away. I didn't want to do something I would regret and she was making it amazingly hard to say no to her now. Her finger tips moved from my chin to my eyelids. Her fingers traced around my eyes, down my nose and then she reached my lips. Pleasure washed over me. The bliss of her touch had me begging for more. I parted my lips then, sucking in the air of the warm aroma that was her hand. She dropped her hand then, this time I was instantly upset, wanting her to continue. I opened my eyes and she looked into them. Her pulse picked up again.
"I wish...I wish you could feel the... complexity...the confusion...I feel. That you could understand," I whispered.
I reached up to gently move a strand of her hair away from her face. I remembered when Mike had done this, she seemed repulsed. Now, she was just as eager as I was.
"Tell me," she barely made a noise, it was mostly a wisp of a breath.
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though," I grinned half heartily, "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely. But..." I brought my fingers to her lips and watched her shiver under my touch, a shiver of pleasure, emphasizing my next words, "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
She responded quickly, "I may understand that better than you think."
Did she understand? There was no way she could understand my feelings, but maybe she did, maybe it is because it is so new to me that I think she wasn't feeling them too. Maybe this was something that was more human than vampire.
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"
"For me?" she asked, but answered before I could tell her to continue, "No, never. Never before this."
I held her hands securely in mine, making sure that I was gentle; constantly afraid I would use too much force and break her.
"I don't know how to be close to you." I confessed, "I don't know if I can."
She took charge then, slowly moving her face closer to mine. She kept her eyes on mine until she couldn't see me anymore. She had placed her head against my chest now. I continued to breathe slowly.
"This is enough," she sighed.
Before I understood my own actions, desire reared up and took control. I wrapped my arms around her, enveloping her, making sure my grip was not too strong, but was secure enough to show her that she could count on me to protect her. I brought my face to her hair and took in a large breath or her heady scent. Thirst broke free then, but the two creatures, hunger and desire fought, and desire won.
"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she noted.
"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there." I explained to her.
My desire was refusing to let her go, and she didn't struggle against my tender grasp. After several long, but not long enough, moments, she sighed. I looked to the forest and realized the sun slanted at a different angle.
"You have to go," I told her.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she mocked.
"It's getting clearer," I responded playfully, my lips turning up.
I released her, only to grasp her shoulders, "Can I show you something?" I asked.
I wanted her to understand me more, and one way to do that was to show her exactly how I travel.
"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."
She looked apprehensive, "Don't worry, you'll be safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned widely and I heard her heart skip a beat.
She looked at me then, a smile in her voice, "Will you turn into a bat?" she asked.
I laughed so loud that I was sure it could have been heard for some distance.
"Like I haven't heard that one before!" I scoffed.
"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time," she replied, still playful.
"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I suppressed a laugh.
Her eyes became wide and she hesitated. I became impatient and grabbed for her, making sure I was gentle. Her heart beat speed up and I could smell her pulse hammering. I placed her on my back and she engulfed me. He body wrapped around me and I could feel the heat emitting from her. She embraced me fiercely.
"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she cautioned.
She was light as a feather to me, almost like she wasn't there, but she was, because I could feel her warmth and her beating pulse.
"Hah!" I rolled my eyes then.
This day had turned out better than I have ever believed imaginable. I hadn't hurt her, or killed her, instead her scent was becoming less sensitive and I had been able to let my desires take control and I held her in my arms, I caressed her face and brought my mouth so close to the base of her neck without biting. I grabbed her hand that was wrapped tightly around my neck and pressed her palm into my nose, inhaling as deeply as possible. The ache burned in my throat. I was still thirsting for her blood, but desire bounded up and out my mouth, "Easier all the time."
I took off through the forest.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 20:39
16. Desire
I was flowing through the forest effortlessly. Running like this was something that I did on a daily basis. Even after all these years, it was still invigorating. The velocity I was moving at felt freeing, as the air moved rapidly past me. I was feeling boisterous. To a human, moving this fast would be inconceivable; it was without effort that I moved over rocks, trees, and the slippery forest floor.
Bella was still securely entwined on my back, warming my cold skin. The wind whipped her scent behind me, but her arms were around my neck and so I was able to continue to breathe in her warm aroma. I was wondering what her thoughts were in these moments. All I could think about is how I was able to hold her, clutch her to my chest, and not harm her when we were in the meadow. How her scent enticed my hungry desires to bring her warm lips to mine. Maybe I could? If I were to use just the right amount of pressure, I wouldn't harm her. It had taken us hours to reach the meadow going at Bella's pace, and within minutes we were at the road, next to her truck.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked, elated.
She didn't move or say anything. Her grip was just as secure as if I were still running. I waited. Still, she didn't even make a sound, though I knew she was alive, I could feel her pulse and smell her breath. I waited another second, and still, nothing.
"Bella?" I asked, concerned now.
She finally spoke, though her voice sounded strained, "I think I need to lie down," she panted.
Instantly I was nervous. After the whole day in the meadow, did I finally make a mistake and not realize it? I was apologetic then, "Oh, sorry."
I stood there, still, waiting for her to release her grasp on me. Honestly, I didn't want her to, but my insatiable desire was instantly dissolved at my growing panic.
"I think I need help," she admitted.
I laughed under my breath, but it was because I was relieved, not because the situation was humorous. I placed my hands on her locked fingers and gently pulled them apart. I continued to hold on to her, and pulled her into my arms. I gazed into her eyes in that moment, never wanting to put her down. Her warmth, her smell, everything about her was begging me to feed; yet, I did not want to, my hungers were strictly about the love and adoration I felt for her. I thought about bringing my lips to hers in this moment, how she would inevitably wrap her arms around me once more, and embrace me back. Maybe this wasn't the best time though; she did seem a little faint. Slowly, not wanting to, but slowly, I lowered her to the ground, as gently as I could, like she was especially breakable; which she was. Now that she was no longer in my arms, I could concentrate on her well being without being distracted.
"How do you feel?" I asked, still anxious.
She looked like she couldn't focus, "Dizzy, I think."
From my years of medical schooling, I realized that she must have motion sickness. I didn't think of this before I made yet another mistake by throwing her on my back and running.
"Put your head between your knees." I insisted.
She obeyed, and lowered herself to the ground and gently placed her head between her knees, closing her eyes tightly. I moved closer to her, lowering myself to the ground, also. I sat beside her, thinking I might have damaged her. The thought sent sharp bristles of pain through my body. I stared at her for several minutes. She finally lifted her head, looking a little sick. Her eyes were still securely closed. She had the same expression on her face the day I found her practically laying on the ground, recovering from her dizzy spell after smelling blood in biology class.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I contemplated.
I thought back to the moment before we left the meadow. The thought of this hurting her never crossed my mind. I continued to stare at her, she was a little green, and her skin was beginning to lose all color.
"No, it was very interesting," she tried to sound affirmative. She couldn't fool me.
"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as me!" I exclaimed.
"I think I should have closed my eyes," she concluded.
"Remember that next time," I told her. Would there be a next time? Surely a dizzy spell would not prevent her from wrapping her arms and legs around me and enjoying a run would it?
"Next time!" she moaned.
I couldn't suppress a laugh at this point. The day had fared better than I could have expected, and even this wouldn't damper my mood.
"Show-off" she grumbled, though I know she wasn't really mad at me.
Her face was slowly beginning to gain back some of its color. Her eyes were still shut tightly; she was even straining to keep them that way. I couldn't hear what she was thinking, and one of the only ways to read her was to look into her deep soulful eyes, where I could usually decipher her thoughts. With them closed I had no outlet and I wanted to beg her to open them. I couldn't restrain myself, "Open your eyes, Bella," I whispered.
I had moved so I was only a few inches from her face now, breathing in her intoxicating scent. She opened her eyes then, and she looked stunned. She wasn't nervous though, I could read in her eyes that she was just as absorbed as I was by our closeness. Her eyes beckoned me to move closer.
"I was thinking, while I was running..." I hesitated.
Bella interrupted me, "About not hitting the trees, I hope."
"Silly Bella," I laughed, 'Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."
"Show-off," she grumbled again.
I smiled, but glad she dropped it because I was instantly hungry for her.
"No," I whispered, "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."
Slowly, I moved my hands to her face and held it securely in my palms. She stopped breathing then; worried I did something wrong, I hesitated, but she continued to stare at me with hunger in her eyes now. So many emotions raged through me at once, desire, passion, ecstasy, thirst. I began leaning closer to her, until our lips were only an inch apart. She closed her eyes. I paused when I could feel the electricity flowing between us already. Every centimeter I moved closer to her, a new emotion would flit through my body sending shivers of pleasure and pain down my frozen veins.
I was in control, I could feel it. I continued to lean in, until the very tips of my lips brushed lightly against her supple warm ones. I pressed a little harder to her lips until our lips were moving with each other, her sweet breath was enveloping me and her taste was like an explosion in my mouth, so much better than any blood I had ever tasted. I could hear her pulse hammering and feel her skin becoming warmer.
Our lips only parted for a second at a time, and each time she caught her breath. She was breathing heavily now. Suddenly, she gasped in pleasure and her arms came up around my neck. I embraced her back fiercely. She knotted her hands in my hair and pulled me closer. Her mouth was warm and inviting. She parted her lips breathing heavier. Her scent rushed through me and the monster inside me clawed up my throat.
I clenched my teeth and then I froze. She didn't let go, she continued to clutch herself to me. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to bring myself closer to her. I had never felt these feelings before. I couldn't let this continue, NO MISTAKES, I yelled at myself. My hands were still wrapped around her face, and I slowly, but forcefully, pushed Bella away. How could she have such a hold on me? She opened her eyes then, and she was breathing heavily.
"Oops," she said breathlessly.
"That's an understatement." I replied.
She was reading my face. I knew she could tell that I was feeling several different emotions. I refused to let her go, though. I didn't want to; I was fighting internally on whether I should kiss her again. My hungry desire was pounding through my body. Each electric shock made me want to clutch her closer. I would only have to move two inches to be back in her embrace.
"Should I...?" she asked, knowing I would understand her unasked question.
She tried to disentangle herself from me, but I wouldn't let her. Actually, I couldn't let her. I held her in place, refusing to let her go. I took in a few gulps of air and felt the fiery thirst burn my throat. I took in another breath and another. Each time it was getting easier to cage my thirst, with each breath my desire to kiss her grew.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait a moment, please," I begged, not wanting to ever let her go.
She stared into my eyes, surely reading the internal fight I was having. I was eager to bring our bodies back together. They fit so perfectly, but I couldn't make any more mistakes. If I were to hurt her now, I would surely wither and die. I continued to stare into her eyes. This kiss... it was the most pleasurable thing I had ever done. I smiled at her casually. I had caged all the beasts.
"There," I exclaimed.
"Tolerable?" she asked.
Tolerable? It was the most amazing experience I have ever had, couldn't she tell? I laughed loudly at the absurdity.
"I am stronger than I thought. It's nice to know." I explained.
"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she replied with an impish grin.
I was high, excited, "You are only human, after all," I said playfully.
"Thanks so much," she said sharply.
I quickly stood up and offered her my hand, something that I had never done before, but after this afternoon, and after our kiss, I realized that contact with her was not something I should shy from. She looked at my hand in surprise, but reached up without any hesitation, bringing her hand to mine. The warmth was tremendously pleasurable. She wobbled on her feet, but I kept her hand to steady her, not wanting to let go. I was still a little worried about her.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I asked playfully.
"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she replied, "I think it's some of both, though."
How amazing were the feelings I had. I felt so light hearted, like there was nothing in this world that could damper my good mood. I looked at her truck then, and remembered that she insisted on driving, "Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.
"Are you insane?" she protested.
"I can drive better than you on your best day," I teased, "You have much slower reflexes," I explained after she gave me a doubtful look.
"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."
"Some trust, please, Bella," did she really not think I could handle driving her truck? Was she that nervous I would harm her, after everything we went through today? I looked at her then, saw she was clutching something in her pocket, her key, no doubt. She tightened her lips, considering her options. She shook her head while grinning, her lips still tight, "Nope. Not a chance." She said.
I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. I couldn't believe she wouldn't let me drive. Did she still not fully trust me? She stepped to my side to walk around me and I watched her unbalanced step carefully, making sure I didn't need to catch her. I stuck my arm out and caught her around the waist, refusing to let her go.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," I added playfully and chuckled.
"Drunk?" she scoffed.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence," I smiled at her, though it was me who was intoxicated by her presence.
"I can't argue with that," she admitted with a sigh.
I swear, in that moment, I might have felt my heart beat. She removed her hand from her pocket, holding the key. She raised her hand then, and opened it up and I watched the key fall. I snatched it up before it hit the ground, effortlessly.
"Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen" she muttered.
"Very sensible," I agreed.
"And are you not affected at all?" she asked me, a little pain in her voice, "by my presence?"
All the sensations from this afternoon flooded back into my body and I was instantly eager to hold her in my arms and reassure her. Unthinking, I bent down and touched my lips to her jaw, where I slowly traced a line from her ear down to her chin, knowing if I were to place my lips to hers at this moment, I wouldn't stop her next time she clutched me to her chest. She shivered in pleasure in that moment, and it sent electricity shooting through my body.
"Regardless," I whispered, "I have better reflexes."
I drove Bella's truck with ease. I kept to the speed limit, in no hurry to bring her back. While driving, I kept one hand securely in hers. The windows were rolled down and the breeze whipped her scent all around me. I turned the radio on and began singing along with a song that was playing. Bella's eyes never left my face, and I returned her gaze as often as possible.
"You like fifties music?" she asked.
"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered. "The eighties were bearable." I explained to her.
I realized I made a mistake when she asked, "Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" but her face was soft.
"Does it matter much?" I smiled, hoping she wouldn't press the issue worried that she wouldn't like what she would hear.
"No, but I still wonder..." she frowned, "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
"I wonder if it will upset you," I mused, hoping she would give me a hint of how old would bother her.
I stared into the sun then, and she didn't respond. I could tell that her face was still looking at mine. After several minutes she insisted, "Try me."
I sighed, turned my gaze on her, and realized I could never lie to her. Keeping secrets from her would be unbearable. Her gaze only made me want to tell her more than just my age. I turned and looked into the sun again, rainbows reflected off of every surface.
"I was born in Chicago in 1901." I paused, and glanced over to gage her expression. She showed no emotion on her face. My lips twitched at her fa?ade, but I continued, "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza." I explained.
She gasped and I turned to look at her, afraid I had said too much. I don't know why, but I continued, refusing to have secrets between us.
"I don't remember it well - it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I tried to sift through my memories of that time, but they were dark and unfocused.
"I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget." I told her.
I wanted to tell her the truth, but some things, like how painful the transformation is, and how agonizing it could be, were not something I wanted to divulge quite yet.
"You're parents?" she insisted on more information.
"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That is why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."
"How did he...save you?" she asked.
There was no way I would explain the transformation process, so I tried to explain with as little details as possible, "It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us...I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I paused, "for me, it was merely very, very painful." And that was all I would say, if she were to ask anything more, I would refuse.
I stared at her then and could see the curiosity in her eyes, but she could tell that I wouldn't say anything more on this subject and didn't ask any more questions. Her expressions made me feel like I should explain why Carlisle turned me, "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating." I clarified.
"So you must be dying, then, to become..." She didn't say the last word, and I was grateful.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice." I spoke of him with respect, "It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak." The sun finally went below the horizon, and I gazed down the dark road.
"And Emmett and Rosalie?" She wondered.
She was curious about our family, and I would inevitably give her whatever she wished, "Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him - he was careful with his thoughts around me," I rolled my eyes; like anyone, except Bella, could conceal their thoughts from me, "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting - we were in Appalachia at the time - and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I raised our hands and I brought them to her face where I brushed her cheek, to point out that after smelling her sweet blood, there is no way that carrying a bloody human for miles would have anything on the thirst I felt for Bella.
Bella looked at me then, "But she made it." She was looking for more answers.
"Yes," I whispered, "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school," I chuckled, "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again." Which I will inevitably have to play the best man, again, I added mentally.
Bella continued to question me, now that I was being flippantly open with her, "Alice and Jasper?"
"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another...family, a very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."
Bella interrupted me then, "Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."
"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things - things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change." I explained to her, hoping this bit of news wouldn't scare her off.
I suddenly remembered her vision of vampire Bella. I instantly became furious at myself, and clenched my teeth. I looked at Bella then, her eyes were intrigued, and I looked away before she could read my anger.
Bella pulled me from my distraction, "What kinds of things does she see?"
I wouldn't dare tell her about Alice's visions of her, so I settled on a story, "She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."
I remembered Alice and Jasper showing up at our house. She knew all of our names and asked which room she could move into. I was out on a hunting trip when she first arrived, and she decided she wanted my room and packed all of my stuff up and put it in the garage. Bella's question pulled me from my musings; "Are there a lot of...your kind?" she looked surprised.
I tried to reassure her, "No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting people." I quickly looked in her direction, hoping I hadn't made yet another mistake. She didn't flinch so I continued, "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live...differently tend to band together."
"And the others?" she insisted on more information.
"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."
"Why is that?" she asked, and I realized I gave more information than I intended.
I parked her truck in her driveway then, and turned the truck off. I decided I wouldn't mention anything about the Southern Wars at this moment.
"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years." I mused.
"So that's where the legends come from?" she asked, interested.
"Probably," I smiled.
"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?" Bella inquired.
She had so many questions, but I answered anyways, "No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle, and know that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage." I explained to her.
Suddenly, her stomach made a rumbling noise. I suddenly realized that through the day I had forgotten to feed her! I was instantly angry at myself for not making sure she was taken care of.
"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner." And I was sorry.
She tried to play it off, "I'm fine really." But her stomach was still making hungry grumbles.
"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forgot." I tried to explain, hoping she wasn't angry at me, like I was with myself.
"I want to stay with you." She admitted.
I wanted to stay with her too, very much so.
"Can't I come in?" I asked, hoping for an invite.
Her eyes sparkled then, like she never thought of this idea before, "Would you like to?" she asked, excitement in her voice.
"Yes, if that's all right." My excitement over powered me and in one second I was out the driver's side door, and opening the passenger's side.
I never wanted to leave her, and the feelings that were pulsing through me were extremely pleasant. Bella didn't flinch at my instantaneous movement.
"Very human," she complimented, sarcastically.
"It's definitely resurfacing," I teased.
Bella stepped out of the car and we slowly made our way to her front door. I walked closely beside her, reveling in her warmth and beauty. Bella glanced my direction several times, like she was checking to make sure I was still there. Before we arrived at her front door, I strode ahead of her to swipe her key from the eave and open the door for her. She began to walk in, but paused in the door frame, realizing something, "The door was unlocked?" she questioned me.
"No, I used the key from under the eave," I admitted to her, instantly realizing my mistake.
She had never used the key in front of me that she knew about. She stepped inside the house and turned to flip the porch light on. She stared at me dubiously and raised her eyebrows. I knew I had to tell her the truth.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" she said, with little inflection in her voice.
She hadn't convinced me she was angry, I knew I'd be forgiven, "What else is there to do at night?" I explained.
She turned away from me, and I quickly raced by her and entered the kitchen before she did. I sat in a chair at the kitchen table. Bella's eyes didn't leave mine for several moments. She finally looked away. I hated it when she looked away from me; I could no longer see inside her mind by means of her deep brown eyes. I watched her curiously. She rummaged through the fridge until she pulled something out. It smelt like tomatoes and oregano, blah. I watched her place the food onto a plate and put it in a microwave. She never took her eyes off the plate of food as it rotated in the microwave.
"How often?" she questioned.
"Hmmm?" I asked. I was distracted by my internal babbling.
She still didn't turn around when she spoke, like she knew she was able to hide things easier when I couldn't read her expressions. "How often did you come here?" she asked very softly.
"I come here almost every night," I admitted, hoping she would forgive me for being the peeping tom.
She whirled around then, the vortex of air she made sent her warm aroma all around me and I took her scent into my lungs. My throat ached dully. "Why?" she gasped.
"You're very interesting when you sleep." I suppressed a laugh, "You talk." I explained.
"No!" she gasped, with a little O of horror on her face.
I heard her pulse begin to hammer rapidly, and watched as the blood made its way swiftly up to her cheeks, coloring them red. She leaned into the kitchen counter, grasping it for support, I assumed. If she were to fall, I'd catch her. She didn't say anything else; her face was expressing many emotions, embarrassment, fury, and annoyance. I was immediately displeased by my actions, would she ask me to leave now?
"Are you very angry with me?" I questioned intently.
"That depends!" she said breathlessly.
I paused, waiting to hear her rebuttal.
"On?" I urged.
"What you heard!" she almost yelled.
Instantly, I was relieved that she wasn't mad at me sneaking in, that she was just angry because she was afraid I heard something she didn't want me to hear. I rushed to her side, taking her warm hands into mine, "Don't be upset!" I pleaded.
I lowered my face to hears, looking into her eyes. She tried to look away, but I distracted her, "You miss your mother," I whispered, "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" I laughed, but I continued to hold her gaze, hoping she realized that I wasn't trying to offend her.
"Anything else?" she demanded.
I remembered the many nights I sat in her room and watched her sleep. How, when she said my name, it sent a jolt of pleasure through me.
"You did say my name," I confessed.
Bella sighed then, "A lot?" she asked.
I was suppressing a smile, "How much do you mean by 'a lot', exactly?"
She instantly looked mortified, "Oh no!" she hung her head, taking her gaze from me.
I heard Charlie's thoughts in that instant. He was just down the road from us. Before he arrived I wanted to let her know it was alright, that the many nights she said my name only made me love her more. I placed my arms around her, exerting the right amount of pressure, and pulled her to my chest tightly. I put my lips to her ear and whispered, "Don't be self-conscious. If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it." I admitted.
I heard Charlie pull into the driveway at that moment, and realized Bella heard it too. She froze in my arms and ascertained that maybe she wasn't ready to introduce us, after all.
"Should your father know I'm here?" I asked.
"I'm not sure..." she hesitated.
"Another time then..." and I released her and ran swiftly from the kitchen.
"Edward!" Bella called out to me.
I laughed softly then. Charlie placed the key in the lock at that moment and opened the door.
I had moved up the stairs and into Bella's bedroom with a quick motion that no human would have seen. Charlie stepped through the front door in that moment, "Bella?" he called out.
"In here" Bella responded a little breathless.
I heard her open the microwave, pull her dinner out, and pull a chair out to probably sit on. I heard Charlie's footsteps as he walked from the front door to the kitchen. I still had a difficult time reading Charlie's thoughts, though it was obvious what they were this evening; tired and hungry.
"Can you get me some of that? I'm bushed." Charlie asked.
I heard some scuffling on the floor, as if he were taking his boots off. I had to concentrate hard to see Bella in Charlie's mind. He watched her take her food to the counter to eat it while she was preparing food for him. She was eating like she had never had food before, like she was completely ravenous. I instantly scolded myself for forgetting to bring food to the meadow today.
"Thanks," Charlie said, and continued to watch Bella.
Charlie could tell there was something off about Bella; he just couldn't put his finger on it. He watched as she took large bites of food, rushing her meal.
"How was your day?" Bella rushed the words in between large bites of food.
Was she anxious to see me again? Is that why she was rushing? Charlie knew there was something up, but he still didn't say anything, "Good. The fish were biting...how about you? Did you get everything done that you wanted to?"
"Not really - it was too nice out to stay indoors." She explained while taking another large bite of food.
"It was a nice day," Charlie agreed, and he continued to watch his daughter eat her food like she was a starving child from Ethiopia.
She had finished the rest of her food and gulped her milk down in a couple of chugs. I chuckled internally. I was standing in the corner of her room, breathing her scent in, while I waited for her.
Suddenly, Charlie decided to say something about her behavior, and I listened intently. "In a hurry?" he asked.
Was she in a hurry? Charlie imagined she maybe had plans with some friends this evening, and was actually surprised to hear her response, "Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early." she clarified.
He wasn't convinced, "You look kinda keyed up."
"Do I?" Bella responded.
"It's Saturday," Charlie mused.
Charlie's mind then began to wonder towards reasons of why she would be keyed up. Was she sneaking out? Was there a boy involved? Did she have plans with someone she didn't want to tell him about? I grinned widely at this, because there was someone she wasn't telling him about, and that person is in her room.
"No plans tonight?" Charlie asked, trying to figure out what was going on.
"No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep." Bella replied, a little annoyance in her tone.
"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" Charlie asked, still trying to get more information.
If only she knew the type of boy she was interested in.
"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet," she told him, and she slightly emphasized the word boy, though Charlie didn't notice.
Suddenly, I was...angry...or jealous when I heard Charlie's next thought. He wants Bella to date Mike Newton. If only he knew what kind of kid he really was. Mike would easily trade a girl out for another one that is a better model, how could he want that for his daughter?
"I thought maybe that Mike Newton...you said he was friendly." Charlie smiled at the thought.
"He's just a friend, Dad." Bella said, annoyed.
The jealousy was still raging inside me, I loathe the Newton kid. I would damage him if he were to try to take Bella from me.
"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway." That's an understatement, I thought, "Wait till you get to college to start looking," Charlie was pleased she wasn't dating anyone, or looking to date anyone for that matter...if only he knew.
"Sounds like a good idea to me," Bella agreed.
I was hoping I was excluded from that statement, though I am sure that I was, since I am the one waiting for her in her bedroom with her unsuspecting father in the kitchen below.
I heard Bella's light footsteps going up the stairs, slowly. I wanted to run down them, grab her up into my arms, pull her close to my chest and race back up the stairs, just so I wouldn't have to waste another second away from her.
"'Night, honey," Charlie called to her.
Charlie was still not completely convinced, and he was making plans and arranging ways to keep Bella home, just in case she were to try and leave without his permission. I didn't blame him though; I was just as protective of her as he was.
"See you in the morning, Dad." She called out.
Bella was still climbing the stairs, slowly, deliberately slow, even. I was becoming impatient. She finally reached the top of the stairs and entered her bed room. She rushed across the floor on her tip toes in an attempt to muffle her footsteps. It worked for Charlie's ears, but not mine. She didn't see me, and I just continued to watch her. She reached the window, flung it wide open, looked back and forth, squinted her eyes, and then whispered, "Edward?"
During her scuttle to the window, and her searching outside, I walked swiftly to her bed and lay there, placing my hands behind my head all without making a single sound. I chuckled then, and whispered, "Yes?"
She turned around so quickly that I felt a breeze from her movement. Her fragrance lapped at my tongue when I caught my breath. It was still amazingly sweet, and doubly tempting. Her hand reached up and grabbed at her throat while her heart starting pounding out loud palpitations.
I had a large smile splayed across my face.
"Oh!" she gasped and sank quickly to the floor.
I pursed my lips, trying to hold back a chuckle, "I'm sorry."
Her heart was beating rapidly, "Just give me a minute to restart my heart."
I sat up slowly, as to not shock her again. I leaned forward then, and reached out, grabbed her by her arms and placed her on the bed next to me. I didn't want her to be sitting on the floor. And I want to be closer to her, I added mentally.
"Why don't you sit with me," I suggested. I put my hand over hers, "How's the heart?"
"You tell me - I'm sure you hear it better than I do." She said sarcastically.
I chuckled low, it was true, I could hear her heart, and tell her that it was beating at eighty beats per minute, which is fast for her heart, but it has lowered since I startled her, then it was ninety beats per minute. We sat there in silence for several long moments. I was listening intently on her heart, as it finally reached about her normal heart rate of sixty-five beats per minute. Once she calmed down she turned to look at me, "Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked.
"Certainly," and I motioned my hand to indicate she should go ahead.
She looked at me for another moment, "Stay," she commanded.
"Yes, Ma'am." I replied and in that moment I froze, showing her that I wasn't going anywhere.
She rose from the bed swiftly, grabbed some clothes off the floor, a bag off the desk and left the room. She left the light off, but that was not an issue, I could see clearly in the dark. Her scent was still lingering, and I breathed in several generous gulps.
I heard her bang a door loudly, probably the bathroom door. I could hear her running water in the bathroom. After a few minutes, the scent hit me...she was in the shower. Her aroma floated under the bedroom door and right to my nose, surrounding my whole body. I could smell the soap she was using and I could smell her blood, as the shower water warmed it. Bella's scent when she was in the rain enriched her scent beyond belief...but this, this was almost torture.
Her scent was so extravagant and delicious that my mouth was watering and venom flowed freely in my mouth. I didn't know if I could take it, I grabbed at her mattress and pulled my free hand to my chest as I tried to cage the monster that was breaking free in this moment. As the scent continued to flow through the room, I was beginning to see her as my prey. All my desires had reared up in this moment, and I knew that I needed to keep them in check.
The water shut off then and I heard movement in the shower. The thirst was still overwhelming. I was becoming anxious at this moment that I would do something I would regret. Should I flee? I was quickly going through all the outcomes that could happen in this moment. Suddenly, pulling me from my distraction, I heard a thought that was screaming loudly.
Edward! I've only come here to warn you of the many flashes I have seen in my head since Bella left you alone in her room. Please, please, be careful. Alice's thoughts were a warning.
The visions that she had in her head had pulled me out of my hunting status. I was very grateful to her tonight. She could have easily let it play out, and see Bella possibly become a living statue like me. She had stayed close, just like I asked her to, and she might have saved Bella's life. Her visions had flashed through my head and shown me what I might have done. The thoughts instantly burned me, not in a thirsty way, in an way that would make me beg for death if they were to come true. The monster was now securely caged in my chest. I went to the window where I saw Alice standing in the trees, and whispered, "Thank you."
You're welcome, Edward. By the way, I hope you are still planning on asking her to come over. Alice mused.
I whispered with a little bit of a growl this time, "Thanks, Alice, you can go now."
Just a thought, Alice chuckled and ran swiftly from the house.
I heard the bathroom door open in that moment. I moved quickly back to her bed, and resumed my statute pose. I could hear Bella literally running down the stairs. She stopped in the middle, "'Night Dad," she called down to Charlie.
Charlie's thoughts were confused, and he was still not convinced she was not up to any good.
"'Night, Bella." he called back up to her.
I heard her jumping up the stairs. The bedroom door flung open, she turned quickly, and shut the door slowly behind her. She smiled at me and I returned her grin. I gazed at her appearance, her hair was still wet from the shower and she was wearing a holey t-shirt with grey sweat pants, and she was absolutely striking. Her smell was tremendously intoxicating, but now that she was here in the room, the monster who almost got free, didn't even scratch at my chest. I raised one eyebrow then, "Nice."
She frowned. She had gotten the wrong impression, "No, it looks good on you." I tried to explain.
"Thanks," she whispered.
She crossed the room and sat on the bed, crossing her legs beside me. She wasn't looking at me; she was staring at the floor.
"What was all of that for?" I asked about her running down the stairs and running back up.
"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out." She mused.
She is perceptive, "Oh," I said, trying to sound like I had no idea, "Why?"
"Apparently, I look a little over excited."
I reached over and lightly placed my finger under her chin to lift it up so I could see her face, and read her eyes. I took air in my lungs then, and the aroma coming off her body should be illegal.
"You look very warm, actually." I mused.
In the moment, I had to know what her skin felt like after being in that hot shower for so long. I slowly bent my face to meet her cheek. Bella didn't move. My mouth was to her ear, "Mmmmmm...," I breathed in her ear, she smelt absolutely delectable.
Her breathing picked up along with her pulse. I was instantly eager, like I had been when we first kissed.
"It seems to be...much easier for you, now, to be close to me," she thought.
"Does it seem that way to you?" I murmured.
It was true; it was getting easier for me to be around her. I'm afraid if I were to be away from her for any period of time that I would have to start all over, giving me yet another excuse to stay with her.
I moved my nose so it lightly caressed her jaw line. I reached up to move her hair away from her neck with the lightest of touches. She trembled under my touch. I moved my lips to the hollow under her ear and kissed lightly.
"Much, much easier," she breathed.
Her pulse was hammering.
"Hmm." I murmured in her ear.
"So I was wondering...," Bella began talking, but I hushed her immediately with my touch.
I started stroking her collarbone with my finger tip, but I was still curious, "Yes?" I breathed in her ear. She trembled again.
"Why is that, do you think?" her voice was trembling with pleasure.
I laughed lightly, breathing in her ear, realizing that it would cause her to tremble again. Her pulse picked up, "Mind over matter," I breathed.
She pulled away from me then. Instantly I was nervous I had done something perverse. I wanted to pull her back to me. I froze; worried I did something incredibly wrong. I clenched my jaw in worry. She stared fixedly at me, her eyes cautious. I slowly and deliberately unclenched my teeth. What was the matter?
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No - the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she exclaimed.
I was euphoric in that moment. She was enjoying this as much as I was.
"Really?" I asked, exultant.
A smile gradually spread across my previously worried face.
"Would you like a round of applause?" she asked, her voice acerbic.
My grin became wider, "I'm just pleasantly surprised," I explained, "In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with...in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it...at being with you..."
Belle interrupted, "You're good at everything."
The only thing I cared about being good at was being with her. I shrugged and we both silently laughed.
"But how can it be so easy now?" she asked, pure curiosity in her eyes, "This afternoon..."
"It's not easy," I sighed, "But this afternoon, I was still... undecided. I am sorry about that; it was unforgiveable for me to behave so." Before the self chastisement could commence she was quickly disagreeing, "Not unforgiveable."
She was ever so self sacrificing, "Thank you," I smiled, "You see," I continued, taking my eyes from her so she couldn't read the chagrin, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough..."
I reached out and pulled her hand to my face, letting it warm my cheek, "And while there was still that possibility that I might be...overcome" I sucked in the air at her wrist, letting it envelope me, "I was...susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would...that I ever could..." I couldn't say the words that would condemn me.
"So there's no possibility now?" she asked, hope in her voice.
"Mind over matter," I repeated, and smiled at her, even though it wasn't completely true.
"Wow, that was easy," she said, amused.
Unbelievable, I threw my head back and chuckled in whispers at the ceiling.
"Easy for you!" I told her as I lightly touched the tip of her nose with my finger.
The touch sent electricity through me, like it always does when we touch. She needed to understand though, that it wasn't easy for me at all, I had been fighting with so many desires when I was around her I was unsure if I could constantly keep them all caged.
"I'm trying," I whispered to her and to my thoughts, "If it gets to be...too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
Who was I kidding? Would I ever be able to leave this wonderful soul now that I found her? I would never find someone like her again. She frowned at me then.
"And it will be harder tomorrow," I continued, "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though. I think" I explained to her.
I wanted her to realize that I am still a blood drinking killer, and that her blood was still the sweetest of them all.
"Don't go away, then," she pleaded.
More than happy, I replied, "That suits me," and I smiled at her loving face, "Bring on the shackles - I'm your prisoner."
I encompassed my hands around her wrists. I laughed quietly.
"You seem more...optimistic than usual," she ascertained, "I haven't seen you like this before."
"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I grinned widely, "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"
If this was not love, I would like to know what it was. I had never felt so euphoric before.
"Very different," she agreed, "More forceful than I'd imagined."
"For example: the emotion of jealousy; I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me..." I frowned, remembering how all the boys in town lined up for Bella, "Do you remember the day Mike asked you to the dance?"
She was looking intently at me. She nodded, "The day you started talking to me again."
"I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury that I felt - I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. And then the line started forming," I laughed at the memory of her face as she became angrier each time someone asked her to the dance.
Bella frowned at the memory.
"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew if I continued to ignore you as I should or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike or someone like him. It made me angry."
"And then," I whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."
During my small speech, Bella's heart began to pound, and her pulse began to race, I continued, "But jealousy...it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational. Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton..." I shook my head, I absolutely hated that kid.
"I should have known you'd be listening," she grumbled.
"Of course," I said, it should be obvious.
"That made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked, skeptical.
Irrational, I repeated in my head, "I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh." I tried to explain my illogical thoughts.
"But honestly, for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie - Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie - was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?" She scoffed.
I felt a sensation in my chest...she was jealous of me! It felt wonderful that she should feel that away. Irrational, I thought again.
"There's no competition," I smiled.
Her wrists were still in my hands and I pulled her closer, bringing her hands to my back. I held her to my chest. She was very still, and was taking light, even breaths. Her scent was amazingly warm and was oh so pleasant.
"I know there's no competition," she muttered into my chest, "That's the problem."
She thinks that Rosalie is better than her? Insane! If she knew Rosalie, she would understand that her beauty far outweighs Rosalie's!
"Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me. For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours...all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet." I tried to explain, to show her how much she means to me.
"It hardly seems fair," she whispered, still securely wrapped in my arms, "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?" she wondered.
"You're right," I chuckled, "I should make this harder for you, definitely."
I released one of my hands that was holding her wrists behind my back, and quickly grabbed up both of her wrists in my one hand. I brought my freed hand to her face then, and gently brushed her hair, moving my hand from the top of her head down to her waist. She trembled under my touch and it sent pleasurable sensations rippling through me.
"You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity...what's that worth?" I asked.
"Very little - I don't feel deprived of anything," she murmured.
"Not yet," I replied, grief thickly covering my every word.
When she realizes her mistake, she will leave me, and it will be for someone who is human, someone who can grow old with her. She tried to pull away from me now, and I couldn't let her see the sadness that was on my face. I held her tightly to my chest.
"What..." she began to ask something.
I froze, because Charlie's thoughts were evident, he was going to check on Bella, She better be in her bed. Charlie thought.
I released her hands, even though it caused me pain to do so, and moved into a corner of the room where Charlie wouldn't see me. I suddenly realized that Bella had no idea what was going on, "Lie down!" I whispered fiercely.
She quickly wrapped herself in her quilt and lay down on her side. Charlie cracked open the door only a second later. I watched as she exaggerated each breath and I rolled my eyes. Charlie could tell she wasn't completely asleep either. He stood there for a whole minute before closing the door quietly. Bella never moved. Had she fallen asleep?
I moved swiftly over to her and I wrapped my arms around her under the covers. Her heart skipped a beat and then began speeding up. Her pulse was racing. I was instantly eager. I put my lips to her ear, "You are a terrible actress - I'd say that career path is out for you." I breathed.
She trembled, and then replied, "Darn it," she whispered.
I held her securely to my chest and I began to hum her lullaby that I composed. I hesitated for a moment, "Would you like me to sing you to sleep?" I asked.
"Right," she laughed, "Like I could sleep with you here!"
"You do it all the time," I reminded her.
"But I didn't know you were here," she said, her voice snippy.
It was true; she hadn't known I was here. I didn't want to leave though, so I decided a compromise would be best, "So if you don't want to sleep..." I breathed in her ear.
I had other ideas...of things we could do, but I knew that my insatiable desires could cause me to lose control, especially if she were to embrace me back like she did this afternoon. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I lost control. I banished the thought from my mind immediately.
"If I don't want to sleep...?" she responded.
I laughed in whispers, "What do you want to do then?"
She hesitated for a moment, and that moment felt like a life time...if only I could read her thoughts.
"I'm not sure," she said timidly.
I couldn't make this decision for her, she had to decide...it was her choice; it has to always be her choice.
"Tell me when you decide," I replied.
I brought my nose to her neck and engulfed her scent. Daggers were being dragged down my throat, I was sure of it. The burning desire enthralled me. I slid my nose up her neck to her jaw, breathing in her scent, her incredibly appetizing scent.
"I thought you were desensitized"
"Just because I'm resisting the wine, doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered against her ear, "You have a very floral smell, like lavender...or freesia, it's mouthwatering." I trailed my nose down her neck again, inhaling the sweet scent.
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell," she said sarcastically.
I laughed lightly and failed to suppress a sigh.
"I've decided what I want to do, I want to hear more about you," she told me.
I could handle this, "Ask me anything" I prompted.
She paused for a moment, "Why do you do it?" she asked, curiosity flaring in her voice, "I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you...are. Please don't misunderstand; of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place." she pointed out.
I wasn't sure how to answer this, I had to think how the right way to explain it, "That's a good question, and you are not the first to ask it. The others - the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot - they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been...dealt a certain hand...it doesn't mean that we can't chose to rise above - to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can." I explained to her.
She didn't move, but she was still snuggled securely against me. I waited for a few moments, no sound. I was worried instantly, then realized she might be asleep, "Did you fall asleep?" I whispered in her ear.
"No." she whispered back.
"Is that all you were curious about?" I wondered.
"Not quite," she said like I should know better.
"What else do you want to know?" I asked, curious now.
"Why can you read minds - why only you? And Alice, seeing the future...why does that happen?" she whispered.
I shrugged then, not really knowing how to answer this question. I contemplated for only a second, "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory...he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified - like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, wherever she was."
I only quit speaking for a second before she had another question, "What did he bring into the next life, and the others?" she was incredibly curious, which I don't blame her for.
"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her...tenacity. Or you could all if pigheadedness," I laughed, "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, he was able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him - calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."
She lay there, very still and quiet. Maybe she had fallen asleep. I waited for a few minutes, moving my nose up and down her neck, breathing in her fragrance once more. She finally spoke, "So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on..."
She was asking an impossible question. I tried to think about it logically, "Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?" I mused.
She hesitated, "Let me get this straight - I'm the baby seal, right?" she asked, a smile in her voice.
"Right," I laughed, agreeing.
I brought my lips to her hair then. I took a deep breath of her heady scent. She was silent then, "Are you ready to sleep?" I asked, "Or do you have any more questions?"
"Only a million or two," she responded, and I grinned widely.
It felt amazing to know that she wanted to know everything about me.
"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...," I promised her.
I knew from this moment on, I would never leave her side. What her fate was, I was still unsure, but as long as I stood as protector, she would stay human and in my arms.
"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" she asked, seriously, "You are mythical, after all," she added playfully.
"I won't leave you," and my promise was unconditional.
"One more, then, tonight..."
I couldn't see her blush, but I could smell the blood rushing up to her face and I could hear her pulse speeding up. I was instantly curious, "What is it?"
She replied immediately, "No, forget it. I changed my mind."
What was she thinking? It was so infuriating. I groaned in her ear, letting her know my frustration, "I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it gets worse and worse." I complained.
"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking," she replied, her voice acerbic.
I would have gotten down on my knees and begged her if I thought it would help, but I decided to go another route. I brought my lips to her ear and breathed in deeply and let out a light gust of air. She shivered in pleasure. I tried asking then, "Please," I begged.
She shook her head. Apparently I am not as persuasive as I thought, I decided to try another route, "If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is," I threatened.
She said nothing, she didn't even move, "Please?" I pleaded.
Finally she spoke, "Well," she began.
When she hesitated I thought I was going to go insane. The never ending silence of her thoughts was driving me over the edge. I was extremely frustrated. I tried to convince her to continue, "Yes?"
"You said Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon...Is that...marriage...the same as it is for humans?" she was blushing.
I knew she was blushing; the scent of her blood was heavy in her face. Her pulse was still racing. I took air in my lungs at her neck. I understood why she was blushing though and laughed lightly, "Is that what you're getting at?" I asked.
Suddenly, I realized what was different about Bella in one of Alice's most recent visions. Bella, crimson red eyes, arm in arm with Alice, a ring on her ring finger, a very familiar ring... my mothers. Bella interrupted my revelation. She began fidgeting, "Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I replied, "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires." I explained, still lost in my new revelation.
I was anxious. Is that what our future held? It looked peaceful, wonderful...but how could I take her soul? I wouldn't, I refuse.
"Oh," Bella breathed.
I was instantly curious as to why this was brought up, "Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I asked.
"Well, I did wonder...," she hesitated, "about you and me...someday..." her sentence trailed off.
I froze. She was thinking about us being married. I couldn't imagine losing control with her. I would kill her! I also knew I would never take her soul and change her. Alice had to be mistaken!
"I don't think that...that...would be possible for us." I said, very serious.
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that...close?" she wondered.
"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply my accident." I explained to her, hoping she realized that I would never hurt her, therefore - I can never lose control.
I moved my hand to her cheek. The warmth only pressed my point on her breakable state, "If I was too hasty...if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."
She didn't respond. Her silence was unnerving. With every breath she took, I became more anxious, "Are you scared?" I asked, worried.
She still didn't respond. Had she gone to sleep? No, her pulse was still hammering and her breath was still staggered. I secured my arms around her, hoping to reassure her that I would never hurt her. She finally spoke, "No. I'm fine." she lied smoothly.
I thought about it for a minute. I had questions of my own now, "I'm curious now, though," I said lightly, "Have you ever...?" I didn't finish my sentence, hoping she would realize what I was asking.
She responded immediately, "Of course not." I could smell the blood rushing to her face again, "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."
I instantly felt appalled for ever thinking that Bella was like a normal human.
"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company." I explained.
"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed.
I tightened my arms around her again, and took her fragrance into my lungs, letting my throat burn in pleasure, "That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I said, pleased.
In my whole existence, I had never been with another woman, human or vampire. I had never been this physically or emotionally close to anyone. I was grateful that I waited until this moment to be with Bella. Being with anyone else was unconceivable. The sensations I am feeling are incredible and worth the wait.
"Your human instincts..." she began, I waited, "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?"
I was taken aback. Did she seriously think I found her unattractive in any sort of way? I laughed low, to not let Charlie hear. I moved one of my hands to her hair and lightly fluffed it up.
"I may not be human, but I am a man," I assured her.
Suddenly, she was yawning. I was keeping her awake, she needed to get sleep, "I've answered your questions, now you should sleep," I insisted.
"I'm not sure if I can."
It broke my heart to ask her, but it always had to be Bella's choice, "Do you want me to leave?" there was sadness in my voice.
"No!" She almost yelled.
I laughed; I became light hearted immediately at her exclamation. I began humming her lullaby in her ear again. We laid there for only a few moments before Bella's breathing became deep.
Then, the talking began.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 21:29
17. Family
When Bella first fell asleep, she was quiet. I held her in my arms and kept my face close to her neck. I continued to breathe deeply while I hummed her lullaby very quietly in her ear. Even in her sleep, she trembled at my touch. This moment is what I had always wished for when I was the peeping tom, and now, after everything I've done; spying on her, being rude to her, ignoring her, she invites me in and still wants to be with me. The thought sent pleasure through me. A feeling I couldn't get used to, yet I craved it more.
While I was laying there with an angel in my arms I was thinking about the past day's events. I couldn't think of my life before her, because that was no life at all. I was so joyous, euphoric. Every time I felt her warmth, hear her pulse speed up, watch her face flush I fell deeper and deeper into love.
After fifteen minutes of silence, Bella began to mumble. I couldn't understand what she was saying for the most part. She shivered then, and I realized that I was probably making her cold. Though it pained me to do it, I removed her from my arms and pulled the blanket around her firmly. Bella turned over when I let go of her, and I thought she woke up when she mumbled, "I love you, Edward." She sighed then, and smiled. Bursts of pleasure and exultation flowed swiftly through my body at the thought of her love for me. I was rejoicing, my skin literally singing. The onslaught of euphoric feelings was almost overwhelming.
A light snore followed and then she turned again, moving her left hand around like she was looking for something...this distracted me. I didn't know what she could possibly be feeling for. An idea sparked in my head then. I grabbed another blanket and wrapped it securely around her. She mumbled, sighed, and said my name. Her hand never stopped searching. I finally laid down next to her, holding her while she was bundled in her quilt and another blanket.
Like her hand found what it was looking for, she grabbed my neck and pulled her face into the hollow below my ear. She breathed deep heavy breaths onto my neck. The warmth made me tremble. I pulled her in closer to me. The sensations of her breath were almost maddening. She reached up with her right hand and then it limply fell onto my chest. I held her even closer then. She was quiet.
After several immeasurable moments, she turned over and sighed. Her hand came around her back and pulled me close again. I gently caressed her face. Even in her sleep she flushed red. I wonder what she is dreaming about. She sighed my name once more, lightly snored again and didn't move for over an hour.
It was becoming late in the evening and Charlie decided he was going to bed. Before he went to bed though, he went outside, opened the hood of Bella's truck, felt to see if it was warm...just in case she had snuck out and back without his knowledge, and then swiftly unplugged the battery cables. Did he seriously think that is all it would take to stop Bella from leaving? Charlie went to bed then, and he was snoring in a matter of minutes.
Bella moved once more, bringing her head to my chest, over my still heart. I moved the hair from her face and watched as she slept peacefully. I caressed her face, her hair, her lips over and over again. Every time I pressed my fingers to her skin I was stung by the electricity. It was an astonishing feeling.
When I could see the sky turning a deep dark blue, I left to take a shower and change my clothes. Removing my arms from Bella was torture. But I had to. I jumped out of Bella's window and raced to my house. It isn't home without Bella, she was my home now.
Alice, oh Alice...she was waiting for me, just like always, at the bottom of the stairs outside.
"Thanks," I mumbled under my breath, I was still grateful for her presence this evening.
"So, Jasper lost the bet - he should know better than to bet against me." Alice laughed.
We heard Emmett's chuckling from inside the house, immediately after we heard a loud thud and a, "I'll get you for that!"
Shortly after we heard Esme, "Boy's, cut it out!" followed by "I'm Sorry," from Jasper and Emmett both.
Alice and I just grinned widely at each other.
"So, are the boys ready to meet Bella?" I asked Alice.
Her face went blank as I watched her go through her most recent visions. She was seeing Jasper staying far from Bella, Emmett enjoying Bella's presence immensely until Rosalie show's up and Bella and I laughing exuberantly.
"Thanks again," I said.
I heard a chuckle from inside the house again, "Hey Edward, is meeting Bella going to be as fun as messing with that kid in Spanish class?" Emmett mused.
I heard a light slap from inside the house, "Emmett, you will be good to Bella, she is going to be a part of this family!" Esme reprimanded him.
"Alice, can I ask you a question?" I wondered.
Oh, of course you would be wondering about that. I am surprised it took you this long to notice, Alice thought.
"Please, Alice," I pleaded, "Show me the vision again."
Bella and Alice were in a room together, Bella's room, I noticed. Alice was taking measurements of her body and Bella was blushing scarlet with a frown prominent on her face. Immediately I noticed the ring on her left hand.
"Stop," I begged.
What is it Edward, I don't understand, Alice asked, concerned.
"This isn't the same vision, is this newer?" I asked
Alice tried to hide her thoughts. It was a new vision, but I was noticing how she was getting measured for a wedding gown and how her face was still flushing a deep red, which meant that she was human. How was that possible? Was it when Bella asked me about marriage? I must admit, the thought did run through my mind, but for only a fraction of a second. Did we both want it at the same time? It seemed a dream come true - but how could this be possible. I was completely miffed! How could I let myself get so deeply into this? Because you love her, you idiot, I yelled internally.
She was my life now, and there was no taking it back. I could not leave her, and I knew she felt the same way. I frowned at Alice. It wasn't her fault, but she was the one who was showing me what I could possibly be doing to Bella. I was coveting her.
I went inside the house. Carlisle was talking with Jasper intently about a new medical study going on at the hospital. When I walked in the room, they stopped immediately. Jasper could feel the mix of emotions coming off of me.
What is going on with you Edward? I have never felt so many emotions radiating off one person, love, self hatred, anger, happiness... there are so many feelings, get a grip, Edward! Jasper scolded.
"I'm sorry," I muttered to Jasper.
I put my feelings in check then, deciding to focus on today's events.
"Carlisle, I am going to invite Bella over to meet the family, is that okay?" I asked
Absolutely, that would be delightful, Carlisle thought.
Esme came into the room then, interested in our conversation. I had not talked that much about Bella in the past, but they all knew how my mood has changed since I met her. She has altered me in ways I didn't know were possible.
"You know my thoughts on that Edward. I've wanted to meet her for some time now. She is your partner, which means she is family. I am ready to meet my new daughter," Esme beamed.
"Thank you," I said to both of them with a grin on my face.
"No need to thank us Edward, we want to thank Bella!" Carlisle exclaimed.
"No doubt," I mumbled, distracted now.
My family could tell I was distracted, and they scattered, while their mental humming starting thinking about the days events, which would include a human.
I went to my bedroom and quickly showered and changed. I was in a hurry and I was finished in just two minutes. I was out the door in the next second.
Can't wait to see Bella, Alice thought as I flew by.
I was back at Bella's before Charlie left. Charlie was humming under his breath while gathering his fishing supplies. He checked on Bella, went downstairs, and pulled something out of the fridge. I was standing in the shade of the trees. My arms were feeling cold, something they have never felt before, but I knew it was because Bella's warmth was absent and I was becoming impatient with Charlie's human slowness.
He finally exited the house and I was already in Bella's room. When I jumped in the window, wind blew inward and then back out the window throwing Bella's scent into my face, instantly assaulting my throat. Hot flames burst down my throat licking at my aching wounds from my already dry thirsty throat. I whirled around to look at Bella. She was sleeping soundly, her hair all around her, where it had dried in the shape of her pillow. A little laugh escaped my lips and the monster was instantly caged, even though the dull ache in my throat continued to burn.
Charlie reconnected Bella's battery cables and left to meet Harry Clearwater at the lake in that moment. I was busy watching over Bella, though. I didn't have time to deal with anyone else's thoughts. My arms were still feeling cold from Bella's absence, but my heart had warmed since I reentered her bedroom. I continually breathed in several large generous gulps of air, letting her scent burn my throat, sending painful pleasure through my body.
I sat in the rocking chair, afraid pulling her into my arms would wake her now. An hour passed, and she still hadn't moved. I would have thought her dead if it weren't for her regular pulse and light snoring.
Suddenly Bella moaned, putting her arm over her face and then she rolled over. She was still for a moment. Her heart started pounding, and her pulse began racing. I was worried but then, instantly, she was sitting up, "Oh!" she breathed.
She met my gaze and I smiled, "Your hair looks like a haystack...but I like it," I teased.
Her hair was splayed across her face...she was adorable. In a fluid movement, by her standards, she was out of the bed and into my arms, clutching herself to me, "Edward! You stayed!" she exulted. My arms instantly engulfed her and brought her to my chest.
She became stone under my arms and her gaze met mine, worry in her expression. She must be worried she went too far but when she threw herself into my arms, I was instantly satisfied, my arms simultaneously warming. I laughed, joyous, "Of course," I told her.
My hands were at her back and began moving up and down gently, caressing her. She shivered in pleasure. I breathed in her delicious scent. Her head met my shoulder, and I brought my arms around her again, securing her to my chest.
"I was sure it was a dream," she mused.
"You're not that creative," I teased.
"Charlie," she exclaimed, leaving my arms quickly to go to the door.
My arms stung without her presence, like they were turning to ice.
"He left an hour ago - after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?" I asked, curious.
She stood in the middle of her room, with a confused expression on her face, unresponsive to my question, "You're not usually this confused in the morning," I noted.
My arms were still stinging unbearably now. I held my arms out, welcoming her back into my embrace. She stared at me, wavered, and then spoke, "I need another human minute," she explained.
"I'll wait."
Bella literally skipped to the bathroom. I had never seen her do that, and it sent a new sensation spiraling down my spine. I still didn't know Bella, there were so many things I didn't understand and I wanted to know everything about it. Her expressions, her thoughts and feelings. I gritted my teeth, and tightened my eyes shut trying to read her thoughts once more. Nothing, not even a hum, murmur, or buzz. Absolutely...frustrating, there was no other word for it. I heard the water running in the bathroom again and I was extremely happy that she wasn't taking another warm shower. The memory of the scent left painful scorch marks in my throat.
I heard the water turn off. She ran back into the room and I immediately held out my arms, pleading obvious on my face. For her to be in my arms was a necessity at this moment. I couldn't remain in this chair for long if she wasn't locked in my arms.
"Welcome back," I murmured.
Her heart began beating rapidly and she embraced me back. I held her to my chest, rocking her lightly back and forth while lightly tracing her bodies every line. A rush of sensations was rippling through my body, at each electric jolt; jubilance, happiness, triumph...the uplifting joy I was feeling was indescribable.
Bella grabbed the collar of my shirt, "You left?" she accused.
I felt so light-hearted at this moment, "I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in - what would the neighbors think?" I teased, not like the neighbors would see me.
Her bottom lip was suddenly protruding from her face. My new desires and the passion I was always feeling for her flared up and I wanted to bring my mouth to hers to nibble on her lower lip. No mistakes, I told myself. If I were to slip, I might break the skin. I decided to distract myself, "You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything," I stared at her, "The talking came earlier."
She groaned loudly and I automatically brought my arms around her to comfort her.
"What did you hear?" she moaned.
"You said you loved me." I explained with adoration in my joyous expression.
"You knew that already," she noted, bringing her head to my chest again.
Her warmth was insatiable and I brought her scent into my lungs again and again, relishing in the burning desires.
"It was nice to hear, just the same," I explained.
She didn't even hesitate, "I love you," she whispered softly.
My heart, unbeating, felt like it grew to ten times its normal size, a walking stereo type for the Grinch. I wrapped my arms around her in this moment, holding her closely while inhaling the delicate scent that I would on no account be able to acquire enough of.
I was holding Bella in my arms as she was confessing her love to me. I had to affirm my affections for her, and love wasn't an effective enough declaration, "You are my life now." I replied with an understated fervor.
Not one word escaped her mouth, but she drew me closer to her warm body. Her reaction was all the confirmation I needed. She understood. It would be foolish for me to deny myself the warmth of this soul. After several moments of pure bliss, I recalled her human weakness, "Breakfast time," I said, letting her know that I didn't forget all her human frailties.
She glanced at me and in an abrupt action she grasped her neck with both hands. Her eyes widened in terror. I was instantly distressed, terrified that she thought I was going to drink from her. She comprehended my reaction. It must be apparent on my face.
"Kidding!" she giggled, "And you said I couldn't act!" she pointed out.
I felt a moment of unease. Unbelievable! How could she possibly think of her life as a joke? Did she think so little of me, too? I was offended and a little out-raged, "That wasn't funny." I stated with vexation clear on my face.
"It was very funny, and you know it," she responded, laugh lines still present on her cheeks.
Nothing could smoother her uplifted mood or mine. She continued to examine my face. The anger I was feeling fled from my body as quickly as it came, "Shall I rephrase?" I inspected her face, "Breakfast time for the human."
"Oh, okay," she answered with a smirk.
I felt suddenly playful. I grabbed her up, and in the gentlest of ways, tossed her over my shoulder. She caught her breath and her pulse raced. The warmth emitted from her like the sun. Her scent was assaulting my nose, and entering my lungs in waves. I reveled in it because I knew the cold would return as soon as I placed her back on her feet. I disappeared down the stairs and in a seconds time I was in the kitchen. With my new discipline of my easy touch coming more naturally, I placed Bella carefully on a chair.
"What's for breakfast?" she asked with smile lines still prominent on her face.
Crap, I groaned internally. I remembered that she needed food, but I didn't think to learn to make food. I still hadn't found out all her little secrets like all the things she liked and disliked, including foods.
"Er, I'm not sure," I answered honestly, "What would you like?"
I was hoping she wouldn't ask for anything difficult. A pop tart maybe? Disgusting! I could see my reflection in her bright brown eyes and I watched as my brow furrowed at the complexity that was food. I was stumped on what to do.
She could read the apprehension on my face. She grinned her magnificent smile, bounded toward the cabinets and began searching.
"That's all right," she giggled, "I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt."
My gaze followed her every move. I saw how she bounced on each of her steps. How every time she found something distasteful she would slightly shake her head, and when she was considering her options she would purse her lips. When she found something to her liking, she pulled it out of the cabinet and placed it on the table returning to the fridge to grab something else, and then added the two together. I could smell the sourness of the milk and the wheat from the cereal. It was repulsive. How could she eat something like that? No wonder she was so frail.
She froze, "Can I get you something?" she asked.
If she was meaning to offer me some of her food the answer was undeniably, 'no thanks'! I just rolled my eyes at the thought, "Just eat Bella." I commanded.
She sat at the table and never moved her gaze from my expressions. I continued to watch myself mirrored in her eyes. I saw how she placed the food in her mouth and watched as her communicative eyes delighted in each bite. She made a light coughing nose, pulling me from my distraction, "What's on the agenda for today?" she wondered.
"Hmmm..." I thought carefully on how I would tell her about meeting my family.
It is still her decision, I reminded myself.
"What would you say to meeting my family?" I framed the answer as a question, giving her options.
I heard the loud swallow of her food. Was she anxious?
"Are you afraid now?" I asked, afraid myself, though I formed the question as sounding hopeful so she wouldn't notice my panic that was bringing a light haze to my brain.
"Yes," she admitted.
There was an automatic tightening of my muscles. I wanted to reassure her, "Don't worry," I grinned playfully, hoping this would ease her mind. "I'll protect you," I added.
It was an understatement. No one would ever lay one finger on her.
"I'm not afraid of them," she explained, "I'm afraid they won't...like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone...like me...home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?" She asked nervously.
"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" I smiled at her, trying to show her how little stock I put in their games, but she could read the revulsion on my face, "on whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."
"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that."
"You paid attention," I smiled.
Of course she paid attention, she was always absorbing more information than I was releasing.
"I've been known to do that every now and then," she frowned. "So did Alice see me coming?" she asked.
A memory came floating to the forefront of my mind; Bella as a vampire. Suddenly the onslaught of memories of Alice's visions overpowered me. I was temporarily still, "Something like that," I murmured.
I saw how my face looked in her eyes and turned my head swiftly, unable to hide my expressions of pain, horror and...happiness. A distraction, that is what I need right now.
"Is that any good?" I asked.
I was actually kind of curious now, "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."
"Well, it's no irritable grizzly..."
I growled under my breath at her causal talk of our hunting. She ignored me. She continued to eat her food. Sometimes a crease would appear between her eyes and the curiosity would flare inside me. Unknowingly, I began probing her mind. It was something I did naturally, without effort. Once again I reached an invisible barrier that let me no farther than the deepest depths of her eyes. I turned towards the window to hide my facial expressions.
Another distraction, that is what I needed, "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."
"He already knows you," she exclaimed, horror in her voice.
It worked, I was distracted. Did she not want me to meet him... maybe I should explain, "As your boyfriend, I mean."
She glared at me apprehensively, "Why?"
I was confused, "Isn't that customary?" I wondered.
"I don't know," she admitted.
She hesitated for a minute before continuing, "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to...I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."
Pretend? She was my life now, didn't she remember our conversation from only a few moments ago. There was nothing about my affections for her that were in any way false.
"I'm not pretending," I smiled to let her know that this was not a lie.
She didn't say anything, the quiet of the room biting at my uneasy thoughts. I watched as she moved her food around her bowl. She bit her lower lip. Would she break the skin? I was worried about her and my words came out sharper then I intended, "Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?"
"Is that what you are?"
Wasn't it? Maybe we hadn't declared our status, but I thought it was obvious. I decided that I was her...boyfriend, "It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy,' I'll admit."
"I was under the impression that you were something more, actually," she admitted while she turned her gaze to the table.
A joyous feeling suddenly broke free and through my body. My frozen veins full of venom, of death, were instantly pulsing with a jubilant sensation, reveling in the life and soul of her, of Bella.
"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details," I mused.
Her gaze had not returned to me, and I took decisive action so I could read her conversational eyes. I lightly brought my finger to her chin, using the lightest of pressure, and brought her gaze to mine, "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."
"Will you be? Will you really be here?"
She sounded anxious, worried.
"As long as you want me," I assured her, quickly.
"I'll always want you. Forever." She sounded like she was warning me.
I walked around the table so I could be closer to her. I paused, leaving a small distance between us. I brought my hand to her face, and gently, I touched her cheek with my finger tips. A red hot desire washed over me as her warmth engulfed me. I had barely touched her, yet I felt her heat flowing up my arm and filling my body with a need, my need for her.
"Does that make you sad?" she asked.
I didn't want Bella, I needed her. I needed her like she needs air. Couldn't she tell it wasn't sadness on my face, that is was something else? Bliss, ecstasy, pure joy was radiating off me like a nuclear explosion had imploded inside me, sending waves of happiness to all those who surrounded me. Couldn't she feel it?
"Are you finished?"
She hoped up out of her seat, eager, "Yes."
"Get dressed - I'll wait here." I commanded.
She bounded up the stairs, skipping two at a time. I waited for her at the foot of the stairs. When she was out of sight, my imagination got the better of me. The thought of her exposed body while she tried on clothes sent new desires rippling through me. I immediately reprimanded myself. I had to remember that she was fragile and innocent. I couldn't fathom how I would feel if I were to harm a single hair on her body, or worse, if I were to become so physical with her that my need and my desire became thirst and hunger. I shuddered and pushed the thoughts away.
My husband's not going to be home for a while; maybe I should call him...
She is so sexy; I wonder what it would feel like to...
The pink top or the white top
Several thoughts from the surrounding neighborhood intruded on my mind. Human's minds were always unoriginal and sometimes completely disgusting. How they thought of each other as interchangeable made me sick.
I heard Bella's door open, "Okay," she called while running down the stairs, "I'm decent."
I watched her as if she were in slow motion. She over stepped and in a fluid movement she ran right into me. I held her to steady her. And to feel her warmth, I added. I have to admit, I could have stopped her before she fell into me, but I didn't want to.
She was wearing a skirt and the dark blue blouse she wore when I rescued her in Port Angeles. The way her blouse hugged her body caused a hollow yearning in my stomach and the excess of venom flowed freely in my mouth at her delicious aroma. I brought my lips to her neck, and I resisted.
"Wrong again," I whispered in her ear, "You are utterly indecent - no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."
She trembled under my breath.
"Tempting how? I can change..." Bella asked, worried. Or was it fear in her voice now? Was she finally coming to her senses? Of course not, that would never happen.
"You as so absurd," I told her.
I brought my lips to her forehead, letting the dry ache have its way with me.
"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?"
I brought myself ever closer to her, taking her into my embrace. Gentle, I reminded myself. I slowly stroked my fingertips down her spine. She trembled and her pulse speed up. My wanting; longing was taking a grasp on my senses. I felt the new creature, desire, rejoice as I brought my lips closer to hers. My craving was over powering. I could feel her cheeks warming from the rise of emotions. Passion flowed freely in my veins. I was taking in the air around us. Every particle of air in the room was saturated with Bella's fragrance. The temptation to bring her neck to my teeth was strong. Her hands were on my chest, warming my dead heart. I brought my face closer to hers, bringing our lips inches apart. I took in another generous gulp of her fragrance and brought my lips to hers. I parted her slips slightly as euphoria fell over me and my body was screaming in exultation.
I was holding Bella tightly against my chest when suddenly she went limp in my arms. I was alarmed. Did I squeeze her too tight? Had I hurt her? I was panicking. I checked my hold on her, making sure my arms were gentle. I wasn't exerting any more pressure then I had all night when I was holding her.
"Bella?" I whispered in fear.
Her eyes fluttered and met mine. She was breathless, "You...made...me...faint," she said.
I rejoiced at her voice. I couldn't read her eyes, they were unfocused.
"What am I going to do with you?" I groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
She was still limp in my arms, but a small laugh came out of her lips, "That's the problem. You're too good. Far, far too good."
She was still unmoving in my arms. I was holding her up. She looked dizzy, "Do you feel sick?"
"No - that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head, "I think I forgot to breath."
She hadn't taken a breath, I remembered. What would Esme and Alice think if I brought her over there like this?
"I can't take you anywhere like this."
"I'm fine," she insisted, "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"
I suppressed a sigh, deciding another distraction was needed. I looked down at her clothes.
"I'm very partial to that color with your skin," I told her.
The flood of blood to her cheeks made her glow. She was glorious.
"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" she said impatiently.
"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"
"That's right," she answered quickly...and maybe a hint of surprise in her voice.
I moved my head back and forth, "You're incredible."
As my house became visible Bella's eyes widened in surprise. I watched her eyes dart from the trees, the lawn, and finally to the house.
"Wow." She exclaimed.
I smiled, "You like it?"
"It...has a certain charm." She replied.
Bella's here! Alice bellowed from her mind. I ignored her.
I reached out and pulled the end of her ponytail lightly. What a human gesture, I mused to myself. I chuckled lightly. I parked her truck and was out of the driver's side door and outside her door opening it before she realized I was gone. She didn't even blink at the fast movement, she expected it.
"Ready?" I asked her.
"Not even a little bit - let's go" she attempted a laugh. It sounded more like choking. She was patting her hair, a nervous gesture.
"You look lovely," I reassured her.
I took her hand in mine, leading her up the porch. She was tense. I began caressing her hand with my thumb, trying to soothe her.
"Carlisle, they are on the porch," Esme called.
I opened the door to the house for Bella; she stepped in, still tense. I found it odd that Alice wasn't waiting at the door. I watched as Bella's eyes searched the house, looking for something suspect, I assumed. Her eyes darted from the far wall, which was made of only glass, to the piano and then to the staircase where Esme and Carlisle were waiting for us. They were grinning at her, but didn't approach.
She is lovely! Esme thought.
Then the scent hit her, I can see her initial appeal, she does smell wonderful...don't worry Edward, I'd never hurt her. Esme's thoughts continued.
Welcome home, Edward. Carlisle thought.
"Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella." I introduced them.
"You're very welcome, Bella," Carlisle stepped closer.
She isn't...scared is she? Carlisle wondered.
I shook my head in a motion that Bella wouldn't have noticed. Each step Carlisle took was slow, careful, and cautious. He raised his hand to shake Bella's. She stepped forward without hesitating and shook his hand, "It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."
"Please, call me Carlisle."
"Carlisle," Bella grinned.
I was relieved that this initial meeting was over with, and I was sure Bella could read my body language.
Is she even nervous? Esme wondered, looking in my direction. I shook my head behind Bella.
Oh...I knew she was meant for you, and so maybe she is meant for our life too, Edward. Esme thought.
I banished the idea from my head immediately. I couldn't let myself...hope...to take her life.
Esme stepped forward, feeling elated about this meeting, and reached her hand to shake Bella's also. Bella took her hand like she was meeting a normal human.
"It's very nice to know you," Esme said sincerely.
"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." Bella truly looked happy.
During these first meetings with my vampire parents Bella's pulse didn't speed up once. She was brave. Alice was still a no show. I searched for her thoughts and found them.
No, that color doesn't look right...yes, blue, Edward loves it when Bella wears blue. That's it, this dress will look spectacular on her!
"Where is Alice and Jasper?" I called out to them.
They both appeared at the top of the stairs in that second.
"Hey, Edward!" Alice called enthusiastically.
This is what I've been waiting for. Alice dived down the stairs and was abruptly in front of Bella.
I wanted to shout at her for doing this, but I decided that saying something in front of Bella was not a wise idea. She was taking everything so well, no need to scare her now. I knew Alice wouldn't hurt Bella, she loved her, too. Esme and Carlisle were giving her a reproving look.
"Hi, Bella!" Alice literally bounced forward and kissed her cheek.
I saw Esme grab Carlisle by the arm, like she was holding herself back.
Oh my! Esme thought.
I felt the temptation of Bella's seductive scent through Alice's thoughts. I was immediately tense.
Pipe down! She hissed in her head at me.
"You do smell nice, I never noticed before," Alice mused.
Blood began flooding up Bella's face as she blushed a light pink. I was anxious again when I realized the scent had finally reached Jasper.
Jasper quickly stopped the flow of air going into his lungs, refusing to take in anymore of her scent. The twin thirsts I felt whenever I was around Jasper were quieted. I felt relieved. He could still taste the curiosity and flavor of Bella from everyone's emotions.
I still don't see why you have such a fixation. Jasper thought.
He automatically emitted a flood of peace and calm. It swirled around her and she mirrored his emotions back. My eyebrow raised on its own. What was he doing?
"Hello Bella," Jasper said, using part of his air supply left in his lungs.
He kept his distance, heeding my previous warnings. Or, maybe, just maybe, he really was trying to not have the overwhelming need to feed. He was too busy concentrating for there to be any coherent thoughts.
"Hello, Jasper." Bella smiled at him, a light pink tinge still present on her cheeks. "It's nice to meet you all - you have a very beautiful home." Bella's eyes searched the room again.
She's sweet, too! Esme thought.
"Thank you, we're so glad that you came." Esme replied.
Me too! Alice thought.
She is so brave... Esme's thoughts continued.
She was quickly becoming absorbed with Bella, too. She was trying desperately to hide her other thoughts from me. I'd heard the thoughts before, but she was probably oblivious about thinking it. She had always thought there was something defective with me. Now, she was jubilant, joyous, that I had finally found someone.
Edward, Carlisle called out to me in his mind.
His eyes met mine; Alice has seen a coven, three of them, that will be very close to Forks. I didn't want to say anything in front of Bella. I wasn't sure how she would take the news. They know we are here, which means that they might make an appearance. Alice said they were curious.
Alice knew we were having a conversation. She was well practiced with our silent ones. She knew what we were communicating about and wanted to tack on any information she felt might be left out, or to just bug me, knowing her it could be either one.
I don't think they will be coming close to home, but it is a possibility. I knew that the news of a coven feeding in the area would be important to you considering you love a human. Alice added. And I love her too.
I nodded once to acknowledge their thoughts. I would tell Bella though. The word secret had a different meaning to me now, because I knew from now on I would tell her all of them. They would be our secrets.
I tried to not listen to my family's thoughts, but they were always as clear as if they were talking directly to me. I watched a vision along with Alice as it played out in her head; I was playing the piano, Bella in awe. The vision shifted and we were talking about the cross in the hall.
So far, the day looks uneventful, Alice mused. She was wrong about the day being uneventful. Every brief moment of time was tremendously significant to me, and very much so...eventful.
And Emmett wanted me to tell you sorry for not being here... Rosalie has become...irritated at the fascination Emmett has on humans now. She remembered a conversation about the Ben kid from Spanish class.
Of course, I thought. I returned my gaze to Bella. We were so close I could still feel the warmth flowing through my body from hers. I inhaled her scent while my wild desires and new found sensations went through my body. Jasper gave me a look. I knew he could feel everything I was feeling. Esme's thoughts brought me back to the room.
She keeps staring at the piano, Esme pondered.
"Do you play?" Esme asked Bella, leaning her head to suggest the piano.
Bella shook her head, "Not at all. But it's so beautiful. Is it yours?" she wondered.
I added this news to the list of things I knew about Bella, which was growing at a massive rate. She doesn't play the piano, but liked the piano...she was classy.
Why haven't you told her? Esme scolded me.
"No," Esme laughed, a sign of ease, "Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No," Bella glared in my direction, indignation on her face. I formed an innocent expression, anticipating her reaction. "I should have known, I guess." she added.
I don't understand, Esme lifted her eyebrows at her words.
"Edward can do everything, right?" she explained.
Did she really believe that? She was so absurd.
What have you been telling her? Whatever it is, I want to know...I mean seriously, you have got to be kidding me, Jasper thought and then snickered aloud.
Tisk, tisk, Esme criticized.
"I hope you haven't been showing off - it's rude," Esme reprimanded me.
"Just a bit," I laughed.
Please keep her around...please please please. I have never seen you so light hearted. Esme thought.
Bella distracted me from Esme, "He's been too modest, actually." she corrected.
"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged me. You can play her the song that she inspired, sheadded mentally.
"You just said showing off was rude," I objected feebly.
She smiled, "There are exceptions to every rule."
I turned my gaze to Bella, "I'd like to hear you play," Bella insisted.
"It's settled then," Esme pushed me to the piano.
At the look on Bella's eager face it was inconceivable to think to say no to her. I conceded. I reached for Bella, bringing her into my side and taking her to the piano. I breathed in her heady scent while the electric pulse that always came from our touch surged through my body.
He just casually touches her...how fantastic. Esme thought.
We sat at the bench, her warmth warming my cold skin from the inside out. I turned my gaze to her, gauging her reaction. I didn't know what to play.
Her song Edward, her song...Esme encouraged.
I was still looking at Bella and she could sense the exasperation in my face. I placed my hands on the keys then, and settled on playing Esme's favorite. I was measuring Bella's expression. After a few seconds I watched her face go from peaceful to shocked instantly. Her mouth opened in astonishment. I heard my family members chuckling behind me at Bella's reaction. I was probing their minds to see all the different views of Bella at once. What was she thinking? Was it good or was it bad?
"Do you like it?" I inquired.
"You wrote this?" she inhaled quickly, realization in her eyes.
I nodded, "It's Esme's favorite." I noted.
We are just going to leave you two alone. Esme nodded to the others to leave, she is wonderful... no wonder he is so protective of her.
I ignored the crowd leaving the room because I was so absorbed by Bella's every reaction. I watched as she lightly closed her eyes in exasperation and shook her head back and forth. Did I do something?
"What's wrong?"
She looked saddened, or upset. "I'm feeling extremely insignificant." she explained.
I decided to take Esme's advice and play her song. The music slowed, and I began playing the beautiful song that I had composed and changed many times since I had met her until it became the sweetest of notes blending together to make magic.
"You inspired this one," I whispered, making sure she understood that she was the most significant thing in my world. She was speechless. The silence of her thoughts was just as frustrating as ever. I breathed her in, letting the flames rip down my throat. Desire was constantly raging a war inside me. She was still silent.
"They like you, you know." I admitted, "Esme especially."
Her eyes darted over her shoulder and then around the room. "Where did they go?"
"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose," though I knew they could hear everything that was going on in the room.
Bella sighed and I turned to look at her again.
"They like me. But Rosalie and Emmett..." she trailed off but I understood where her thoughts were going, for once, I added.
Of course she would notice that they weren't here. I didn't want to talk about Rosalie. My lips turned down, "Don't worry about Rosalie, she'll come around." I lied smoothly, though I hoped one day she would.
She looked unconvinced, "Emmet?" she wondered.
"Well, he thinks I'm a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie," I tried to explain.
I looked into her wide eyes, trying to read her thoughts. I saw the line between her eyes crease at the complexity of her mind, "What is it that upsets her?" she finally asked. She looked anxious, waiting for my explanation.
I didn't want to tell her something that would possibly upset her. The thought of causing her any type of pain sent an overwhelming feeling of remorse through my body. I took in a deep breath, a sigh really. The burning temptation was still present. I distracted myself, no more secrets, "Rosalie struggles the most with...with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous." I explained, the words coming quickly.
Her eyes grew wide during my explanation, "Rosalie is jealous of me?"
"You're human," I shrugged. I thought it was obvious why she would be jealous of something as magnificent as her, "She wishes that she were, too." I continued to explain after seeing her question my first statement.
"Oh," she looked upset by this, but shock was still present on her delicate face. Her facial expressions changed to contemplation. I wanted to groan in exasperation from her quiet mind. What was she thinking? Her short pauses were the loudest silence I have ever heard.
"Even Jasper, though..." she left the sentence hanging, realizing I would understand her thoughts. She didn't know how much I didn't comprehend them, though. I sighed.
"That's really my fault," I explained, "I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."
I watched while a shiver ran down her spine. Was she finally scared or was she cold?
"Esme and Carlisle...?" she added quickly.
"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential make up, that I was too young when Carlisle change me...She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction." I finished her sentence.
"Alice seems very...enthusiastic." Bella noted.
Of course she noticed.
"Alice has her own way of looking at things," my lips grew tight at the many visions I had seen in her head since I meet Bella.
She must have read the hesitation in my voice, "And you're not going to explain that, are you?"
I saw myself mirrored in her eyes, watching as each of our expressions changed in unison. She knew I was keeping Alice's visions from her. There were several good reasons why I was keeping these from her. One, I didn't want to scare her, and two, I didn't want her to get any ideas. No, I would still not confess what I have seen through the eyes of a psychic.
"So what was Carlisle telling you before?" she asked, bringing me from my distraction.
She was incredible. She picked up on all the signs that I thought were subtle. Was she really that perceptive or was my fa?ade waning? I could see the wrinkle appear between my brows through the reflection of her deep brown eyes.
"You noticed that, did you?" it wasn't a question, it was a statement.
She shrugged, like there was nothing unusual about the whole situation, "Of course," she murmured.
Better tell her now, I suppose. I monitored her face, I continued to play her song. She seemed complacent enough so I answered, "He wanted to tell me some news - he didn't know if it was something I would share with you."
"Will you?" she responded quickly, eagerly.
"I have to, because I'm going to be a little...over-bearingly protective over the next few days - or weeks - and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant." I said.
"What's wrong?" she gasped in horror. Her blood started warming and moving at a quicker pace. The monster inside me clawed at my bones, wanting to embrace the temptation. I took in her fragrance, letting it fill my lungs. I easily over-rode any enticement this caused me.
"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious," I explained quickly, trying to calm her now rampant pulse.
"Visitors?" she questioned.
"Yes...well, they aren't like us, of course - in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone." I watched her face apprehensively.
Her body trembled under stress.
"Finally, a rational response!" I exclaimed, "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."
She didn't contest my observation and I was shocked that she would have this reaction to anything dangerous at all. Her blood slowed in her veins bringing her pulse back to its normal speed. She turned her face from mine, her eyes flowing from one end of the house to the other, distracted. I followed her gaze. Was she still looking for something suspect? "Not what you expected is it?" I asked.
"No," she admitted, returning her gaze to me briefly before continuing to soak up the rooms setting.
"No coffins, no piled skills in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs...what a disappointment this must be for you," I teased.
She remained serious, "It's so light...so open," she said.
"It's the one place we never have to hide," I explained to her. I also wanted to admit that she was included in this place... I would never have to hide from her.
My fingers were on the piano, automatically playing. The song was finally coming to a close. When it was finished Bella looked at me, "Thank you," she murmured.
I turned in my seat; bringing my whole attention back to her. There was moisture prominent in her eyes. The tears flowed over her eye lids. The aroma emitting from her tears was something I had never smelt before. She wiped the tears from her eyes. I noticed she had missed one. I brought my hand to her face, trapping a tear on my finger. I studied it. As a vampire, we could not produce tears. This was something entirely new. I brought it nonchalantly to my lips, seeing how it would taste. I was curious. It didn't taste disgusting, but it held no significance for me. She was staring at me with curiosity flaming in her eyes.
"Do you want to see the rest of the house?" I asked, distracting her.
"No coffins?" she verified.
"No coffins," I promised, a smile forming on my face.
We walked up the staircase that led to the upstairs where my room was. I watched her carefully as she made her way to the top. She was lightly caressing the stair rail as she went. I was jealous... I wanted it to be me. When we reached the top of the stairs I pointed out rooms as we walked, "Rosalie and Emmett's room...Carlisle's office...Alice's room..."
She froze, turning into a statue. Her eyes grew wide. I followed her gaze until I realized she was staring at the wooden cross at the end of the hallway. I remembered Alice's vision.
"You can laugh," I told her, "It is sort of ironic." I took a deep breath, bringing her fragrance into my lungs again. I was used to the dull ache.
She brought her hand out to touch the cross, but she did not proceed, "It must be very old," she guessed.
I shrugged, "Early sixteen-thirties, more or less." I mused.
She turned to face me, "Why do you keep this here?"
"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father." I explained. I knew I was giving more information away then I had ever told a single soul before.
"He collected antiques?" she suggested doubtfully.
"No. He carved it his himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached." I said.
She looked shocked.
"Are you all right?" I asked, worried about her expressions and silence.
"How old is Carlisle?" she wondered, trying to do the mental math in her head. I watched as her eyes looked fully in thought. I could almost see here calculating the numbers mentally.
"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday," I admitted.
She looked at me, questions burning in her eyes. I knew I would answer them all, if she were to ask. I took in another deep breath while I let her scent assault me.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 21:30
18. Stories
I was worried that if I were to divulge the information that she would request that she would decide to never grace me with her presence again. I decided this was the best time to release some of our stories. She hadn't run away yet. I knew I would feel relieved once she knew the truth.
"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though." I began.
I watched her face carefully for any sign of distress. She showed no emotion. I continued, "He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves...and vampires."
Her pulse began picking up at the last word; I continued without pausing, "When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of his raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of a city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived.
"The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course," I laughed in a non humorous way at the thought of a human bringing harm to a vampire. I continued, "and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."
I knew I had arrived at the part of the story where I wasn't sure how to proceed. I went on, but kept my voice low, "He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle - he was twenty-three and very fast - was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature would have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street."
I paused. The images that were in my mind were of the agony that he felt. The pain of the venom breaking through his veins and causing him to burn for days was forefront in my mind. I met Bella's eyes and she was eager for me to continue.
"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned - anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself with rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered. It was over then, and he realized what he had become."
My eyes had never left Bella's. Most of the color had drained from her face during my story. She didn't know much of the transformation process and I am sure that she was learning some things that she hadn't known before. She was silent and I was worried I had gone too far, "How are you feeling?" I asked.
"I'm fine," she said automatically.
She hadn't convinced me though. In a nervous gesture, she began biting at her lower lip. She looked like she wanted to say something; she was hesitating. Curiosity was burning in her eyes. She was regaining her color and I was becoming frustrated once again at the silence of her knowing mind.
"I expect you have a few more questions for me." I guessed.
"A few."
Of course she did, she was always curious; always interested in things she shouldn't be interested in.
"Come on, then," I smiled, "I'll show you."
We turned around and I brought her back to Carlisle's office.
I'm guessing you want to show her the pictures, Carlisle wondered, "Come in," he invited.
I slowly pushed the door open. Carlisle was sitting behind his desk in his leather chair.
Perfect timing, Carlisle thought, "What can I do for you?" he asked.
Carlisle rose from his seat. He was already aware of what I was up to, but I didn't want Bella to think we were having our normal silent conversations.
"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history, actually," I explained to him.
"We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella apologized.
Silly Bella, I thought.
She sure is polite, isn't she? Carlisle smiled, "Not at all," he looked at me, "Where are you going to start?" he asked.
I had many stories in mind and I decided I would start out as simple as Carlisle's story could ever be, "The Waggoner."
I placed my hand on Bella's shoulder. An electric shock rose up my arm and through my body. I knew she felt it too because her heart starting pounding, her pulse racing.
Does that always happen? To deny yourself what you crave most when her pulse rises is truly significant in your relationship. You two are truly meant to be together. Carlisle's thoughts continued more to himself.
I turned Bella to face an oil painting that was on the wall behind her, ignoring Carlisle. I could tell that she was interested again.
"London in the sixteen-fifties," I explained. I knew questions must have been racing through her mind.
Carlisle walked up behind Bella. His continuous flow of thoughts had stopped, "The London of my youth," he added.
Bella must not have realized he was behind her because she recoiled at the sound of his voice. I squeezed her hand.
"Will you tell the story?" I wondered. I didn't want to get anything wrong, or put my foot in my mouth.
I'm sorry. You will have to explain it to her because I must leave for work. Don't worry, you'll do fine. Carlisle thought.
"I would," he turned to Bella, "But I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning - Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides," his eyes met mine, "you know the stories as well as I do." Carlisle had a wide smile across his face.
Carlisle gave Bella a warm smile and ducked out of the room. I looked at Bella, nervous about this conversation. I was still waiting for the wailing and screaming. A sickening jolt surged through my stomach at the thought of her leaving. Her eyes were fixed on the painting.
"What happened then?" she asked eagerly while removing her eyes from the painting and meeting my gaze, "When he realized what had happened to him?"
My eyes moved from her face to another painting. She followed my gaze. "When he knew what he had become," I said in a low voice, "he rebelled against it. He tried to destroy himself. But that's not easily done."
"How?" Bella asked with shock present on her face.
I contained a sigh, "He jumped from great heights," my voice stoic, "He tried to drown himself in the ocean...but he was young to the new life, and very strong. It is amazing that he was able to resist...feeding...while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. But he was so repelled by himself that he had the strength to try to kill himself with starvation," I explained.
I knew at any moment she would comprehend my words and descend the stairs and quickly exit the house.
"Is that possible?" she asked darkly.
"No, there are very few ways we can be killed."
I saw her open her mouth and I rushed to get the words about before she could ask me another question, "So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from the human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself
"One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared. Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again.
"He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and -"
"He swam to France?" Bella shrieked incredulously.
I had to compose my face because I was trying desperately not to laugh at her reaction, "People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," I reminded her.
She blinked foolishly, "That's true, I guess," shock was evident in her eyes still, "It just sounded funny in that context. Go on."
"Swimming is easy for us -"
"Everything is easy for you," she interrupted, a little perturbed.
I paused, waiting for her to ask another question. The look on her face was very comical. Her mouth hung open a little and her eyes were wide with surprise. She was quick to perceive my obvious reason for hesitating before I continued, "I won't interrupt again, I promise," she said with a small smile.
I laughed because I knew that she would interrupt again when she hears what I have to say next, "Because, technically, we don't need to breathe," I began until Bella burst out, "You - "
"No, no, you promised," I laughed because I knew that when she heard this bit of information that her reaction would be exactly what it was now. Her face was screwed up in longing to finish her questioning. I brought my finger to her lip to silence her, "Do you want to hear the story or not?"
She spoke with my finger pressed lightly against her warm lips, "You can't spring something like that on me, and then expect me not to say anything." Her voice was mumbled, trying to speak past my silencing finger. I traced my finger down her jaw and stopped at her neck. My stomach did summer-salts when her pulse speed by my touch. I had momentarily forgotten about the story or where we were. It was just Bella and I, together.
"You don't have to breathe?" her eyes were still wide with interested; her question bringing me to the present.
"No," I answered, instantly nervous that this proclamation would be the thing that scares her away, "it's not necessary. Just a habit." I shrugged, showing her how little it really mattered.
She dropped her voice, almost conspiratorially, "How long can you go...without breathing?"
"Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable - being without a sense of smell." I tried to explain very nonchalantly.
"A bit uncomfortable," she mirrored.
I continued to look at her face. Each expression fluttered across with little time to settle. Her eyebrows pulled together and I wanted to take my thumb and smooth out the complexity lines. Trying to understand her thoughts was like trying to read sign language unknown to humans.
A new speculation loomed in my mind. I removed my hand from her, letting the cold return. Something was eating at me from the inside. I was bringing her into this mythical world. Each new revelation bringing her closer to the doom I was prepared to fight. Bella's face grew very grave. She was watching my expressions now, "What is it?" she asked gently.
She brought her hand to my face, trying to comfort me. I felt each pump of her blood. Her hand warmed my cheek to several degrees than my normal temperature. I sighed because I knew that I was inviting her to tempt fate and that I would allow it.
"I keep waiting for it to happen." I said quietly.
"For what to happen?" she asked urgently.
"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go," I pasted a smile across my face, trying to ease the tension building inside me, "I won't stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile..." I kept my eyes fixed on her, waiting for her to agree with me and just leave.
There was a long and painful silence before either of us spoke again.
"I'm not running anywhere," Bella promised with obvious triumph in her voice, like she was looking fate in the eye and taunting it.
I remembered the story, and thought that if I continued maybe, just maybe, she would hear something that would scare her away, "We'll see," I smiled.
Her lips turned down at the corners, a frown forming on her face, "So, go on - Carlisle was swimming to France."
I caught my breath, delighting in the ever present yearning in my stomach. I moved my gaze from her face to another painting deciding to continue, "Carlisle swam to France," I repeated, "and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine - and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives. I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to prefect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital..." I trailed off, my thoughts moving in a different direction.
I willed myself to be like Carlisle. I wished to have his self control, to never have to second guess my senses. I inhaled; something I used to do to calm myself, but now it brought red hot flames ripping down my throat. I mentally shut out the yearning I had now. I remembered what my purpose was for this conversation. I brought my hand to the painting in front of us, tapping lightly on it.
"He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers." I said while lightly tracing the figures in the picture; the Volturi.
I was so deep in thought, remembering things that Carlisle had seen when a startled laugh burst out of Bella's lips. I turned to see what the matter was; thinking that maybe she finally had lost it. Dawn crossed my face as I realized what she was looking at. It was Carlisle's face in the painting with the Volturi.
"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods," I laughed at the impossibility that any vampire could ever be a god, "Aro, Marcus, Caius," I explained as I pointed each one out to her, "Nighttime patrons of the arts."
Her eyes darted from the painting to me face, "What happened to them?" she questioned.
Her hand reached up to touch the figures in the painting but her finger never touched.
"They're still there," I shrugged, "As they have been for who knows how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his natural food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see.
"He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity.
"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act - since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try..."
During my story telling, I had visualized everything that Carlisle and I had both witnessed during the few days before and after my transformation. The painful memory was something I rarely thought of these days. I looked out the window, banishing the unpopular imagines from my mind.
My chest was swelling at the relief I felt for finally releasing the information that could doom me from ever seeing this delightful creature again. The feeling of happiness that was surging through my body at this moment in time was completely indescribable. I hadn't realized that I would feel like this, too; that knowing she wasn't running, that she was one hundred percent accepting. I returned my gaze to Bella. She looked humble and my lips turned up; an automatic response to her beauty.
"And so we've come full circle," I finished.
"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" she asked.
She was constantly asking all the questions that gave everything away about me and nothing about her, "Almost always," I replied.
I slowly reached out and placed my hand on her waist, exaggerating the movement. I delicately moved her along with me, always remembering how fragile she was.
"Almost?" Bella asked while we were walking down the hall.
Crap, I thought. Why was this the one question, of all the questions, to ask? I knew I would give her the answer. The internal argument of her safety still loomed in my mind. She should stay away from me but I loved her and the thought of her leaving caused me physical pain. Pain was something I hadn't felt since before the transformation. Bella brought out all the human aspects of me, including the weakness of pain.
I sighed, "Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence - about ten years after I was...born...created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time." I explained.
Now, this would be it, the thing that makes her scream in terror. I waited, but, instead of terror she was intrigued.
"Really?" she asked her eyes wide with curiosity.
She wasn't frightened? I admitted to killing humans and she was...curious. She is so peculiar. That was an understatement. She had lost her mind. We ascended the next set of stairs. I was leading her to my room. I turned and looked at her, "That doesn't repulse you?" I asked curtly.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I guess...it sounds reasonable," she said firmly.
A laugh escaped my lips as I thought of the absurdity of her answer. Horrified delight sliced through my veins.
"From the time of my new birth," I replied quietly, "I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle - I could read his perfect sincerity, understand exactly why he lived the way he did.
"It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the...depression...that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murdered down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl - if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible."
I watched as she shivered. I continued in my quest to be nothing but honest with her, "But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved."
I stopped in front of my bedroom door, "My room," I told her while opening the door and leading her inside.
I watched her as she took in everything. Her eyes flowed rapidly from one side of the room to the other. Her stare lingered on my CD's.
"Good acoustics?" she asked.
My good mood was vibrant now. The pain from not knowing today's outcome had subsided. I was radiant with glee. I chuckled and nodded at her question. I decided I would give her an example and turned the stereo on from a remote. When the jazz music began to play she whirled spectacularly in a circle, delight in her eyes at the sound. She stopped and moved over to my collection of music. Her eyes read through several labels, "How do you have these organized?" she asked in astonishment.
I was barely paying attention to her words because I was in complete merriment of how the events unfolded today, "Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame," I answered automatically.
She turned around to face me. The whirl wind of her warm aroma hit me like a wrecking ball. I continued to breathe evenly, reveling in the pain. I couldn't shake my new found happiness that was ever present in my being. She wanted me; all of me. Her eyes met mine and she read my face, "What?" she asked.
"I was prepared to feel...relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me...happy." I shrugged my shoulders, but the jubilance radiated out of me and a smile crept up my face.
"I'm glad," she replied with a smile.
I continued to gaze at her. I tried to read her expressions but they were so swiftly changing since she entered this house. I willed myself once more to read her mind. I tried probing it with mine over and over to no avail. My forehead creased in concentration.
"You are still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?" she wondered.
My lips turned up lightly and I nodded.
"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually," she lied silkily.
Disbelief was strong in my mind. I raised an eyebrow at this news. A sinister thought raced through my head and before I acted a wide smile spread across my face, "You really shouldn't have said that," I laughed.
I growled very un-menacingly, brought my lips above my teeth to show them off, and hunkered down. Her eyes grew wide with terror.
"You wouldn't" she shrieked.
I let my body recoil as I sprung.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 21:32
19. Baseball
As I pounced on Bella I brought her into my arms and held her there securely while flying through the room at a ferocious velocity. When we collided with the couch it went flying across the room until it settled against the wall with a large crashing blast. She was breathing in large heavy gasps of air and her heart was drumming madly. She tried to move out of my protective arms and I refused.
I moved her closer into my embrace letting her warm my body. She eyed me suspiciously and a playful grin spread across my face without my permission. It was just something I did naturally when I was around her.
"You were saying?" I pretended to growl.
"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," her voice was sagging with sarcasm under her heavy panting.
"Much better," I agreed.
She looked up at me, still a little jarred by my sudden movement, "Um..." she paused and continued to struggle, "Can I get up now?" she asked.
"What the hell was that noise?" Jasper asked Alice.
"Ha-ha. Edward is wrestling with Bella." Alice answered cheerily.
Oh my, Jasper began thinking, but his thoughts turned frenzied.
I began laughing at Bella and Jaspers now frantic thoughts.
"Can we come in?" Alice asked from the hall.
Bella continued to struggle in my arms but I refused to let her go. I repositioned her so she was on my lap. I could feel the warmth of Bella's blood as it raced up her cheeks when she realized that Alice and Jasper were in the door way.
"Go ahead," I barked a laugh.
How can he get that close to her? It seriously blows my mind, Jasper was panicking mentally.
Jasper had a strong belief that being this close to a human was impossible without feeding. His belief was now being thrown out the window.
Alice's thoughts were just a humming of approval. She was radiating with glee as she moved fluidly into the room, dropping to the ground and crossing her legs with a gleaming smile across her face.
Jasper continued to stay in the door way. His thoughts were still fanatically stunned.
"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice said while she failed extravagantly at trying to suppress laughter.
Bella stiffened like a board in my arms but met her gaze unflinchingly and I couldn't help but grin at both of them. When Bella saw my face she relaxed. I looked at Alice and answered back playfully, "Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare."
I tightened my arms around her. Her heart was still humming quickly and her blush was still pronounced on her cheeks. Jasper finally got his thoughts out of a tangle as the mood of the room finally hit him.
Wow, I've never felt Edward feel so...happy...and...in love. A smile spread across Jaspers face automatically at the cheerfulness in the room. "Actually, Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?" he asked while walking into the room.
Playing ball did sound fun. I knew Emmett would be thoroughly pissed if I didn't show up this time. I remembered the vampires that are visiting in the area and without thinking about it I looked at Bella and realized I would never leave her for a moment with those creatures at large. Before I could respond Alice chimed in, "Of course you should bring Bella."
What? Jasper looked mildly surprised and sent Alice a quick look but turned back so quickly I wasn't sure if Bella caught it. Once again I had to remind myself that it was always her choice, "Do you want to go?" I asked as excitement burst through me.
She looked at me and without hesitating she said, "Sure. Um, where are we going?"
This is going to be so much fun! Alice's thoughts flitted through my mind.
I can't believe this. Oh well this should be...interesting. Jasper thought while curiosity was willing inside him.
"We have to wait for thunder to play ball �C you'll see why," I smiled at her.
A sign of nervousness was evident on her face when she bit her lower lip. She didn't realize she was doing it when she looked at me and asked anxiously, "Will Ineed an umbrella?"
We all started laughing but I was relieved because I was finally aware of what her sudden apprehension was.
"Will she?" Jasper asked with a most peculiar expression.
"No. The storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing." Alice said while the vision of the clearing ran through her head.
Jasper was so full of happiness and joyfulness from the situation happening in the room that he couldn't contain his smile, "Good, then," he exclaimed.
Being around Alice was always a little strange because I was constantly seeing the future. This time it was just the coming minutes going through her mind. I saw her going to Carlisle and asking about playing ball.
"Let's go see if Carlisle will come," Alice jumped off the ground and headed toward the door with a wink in Jaspers direction.
"Like you don't know," Jasper teased.
Jasper closed the door behind him, Have fun bro.
Bella turned in my lap, her heart fluttering at our closeness, "What will we be playing?" she wondered.
I laughed at the thought of letting her hold a bat, or worse, letting her try to hit a ball with a bat.
"You will be watching," I clarified, "We will be playing baseball," I explained.
She rolled her eyes at me, "Vampires like baseball?" she asked in disbelief.
"It's the American pastime," I said in mock seriousness.
Some very annoying sound was in my ear. I was driving down Bella's street when little droplets of rain began splattering onto the windshield. That was not what was bothering me. Billy Black was waiting for Charlie in his driveway so he could tattle tale like a little kid on Bella's new found relationship with me.
"Damn Quileute legends," I muttered so low that Bella couldn't hear me.
Jacob and his father were taking shelter on Bella's front porch and I was instantly tense.
Can't she tell there is something wrong with that kid? His cold white skin, his aversion to the sun...I will settle this though. Charlie will listen to me and force her to stop seeing the Cullen kid. Billy Black thought with a sneer and a curse in each thought with my name.
Charlie isn't even here, why are we waiting here in the rain like idiots? Jacob thought until he saw Bella, Oh, well...maybe this wasn't a wasted trip after all.
I had heard enough. The thoughts radiating off of them were about to drive me to let the monster free. I couldn't let that happen when Bella was around.
"This is crossing the line," I said vehemently.
Bella's eyes found mine and they were worried. "He came to warn Charlie?" she asked horrified.
I gave her a grave look and nodded. I turned toward Billy then and I was seeing red. My eyes were narrowed into tiny slits. I can just get out of the car and scare them off. Or maybe I could...
"Let me deal with this," Bella interrupted my internal rage.
I didn't want to let her leave my side. To think of the things she was going to hear from Billy's mouth. His thoughts continued to get snippier and nastier each time he glared in my direction. I knew if I left the vehicle now and released my anger that I would lose Bella, so I quickly agreed, "That's probably best. Be careful, though. The child has no idea."
"Jacob is not that much younger than I am," she reminded me crisply.
I turned my gaze on her because she pulled me from my anger. She always knew exactly what to say to calm my nerves and bring me back to earth. I grinned at her, "Oh, I know," I assured her.
She looked exasperated. She reached for the door handle and sighed. I needed to leave here before my temper came back.
What the hell are they doing? What is taking so long? Billy thought angrily.
"Get them inside so I can leave. I'll be back around dusk," I commanded.
Her eyes met mine again, "Do you want my truck?" she asked.
Hasn't she learned better by now? I rolled my eyes, "I could walk home faster than this truck moves."
A sad look entered her eyes, "You don't have to leave," she said longingly.
She had no idea how difficult it was for me to leave while there were vampires lurking in the vicinity and the Blacks were here to cause trouble. I looked at her expression realizing she didn't want me to leave just as much as I didn't want to leave her. "Actually, I do. After you get rid of them," I glared in the Blacks direction, "you still have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend," a smile spread across my face.
She groaned loudly, "Thanks a lot."
Her face was so adorable when she was upset or angry. I couldn't help but smile at her. "I'll be back soon," I promised.
If she doesn't exit that truck in one minute I am going to go over there and make sure she is okay, Billy swelled ominously.
I turned my glare back in the direction of the porch at the last thought. I wanted to taunt Billy just a little bit and Jacob too. I leaned down and slowly brought my lips to Bella's jaw. I kissed lightly and her heart jumped up in her chest. Her blood was pulsing quickly and the scent made me go wild. The kiss was all flames and electricity down my throat. When I moved away from her, she looked towards the porch and could see the same thing I could. Billy had a death grip on his wheel chair and his thoughts were in frantic disarray.
Oh, how... oh, goodness. I... Well...disgusting! Billy's thoughts were choked.
Bella realized how panicked Billy was now and she was suddenly in a rush, "Soon," she ordered while opening the door to the truck and stepping out into the rain.
When the rain droplets ran down her face I could see them evaporate while the wind blew her rainy scent in my direction. I gripped her steering wheel so tightly I almost broke it off. She shut the door quickly and ran to the porch for protection from the rain.
I decided to keep my attention on the Blacks and not on the way Bella's scent was covered in a delicious sweetness.
"Hey, Billy. Hi, Jacob," Bella greeted them in a incredibly false pleased voice, "Charlie's gone for the day �C I hope you haven't been waiting long."
Right, right, I don't believe she is worried about our wait at all. Billy thought with disappointment etched in every sagging line of his face. "Not long," Billy replied dully, "I just wanted to bring this up," he pointed to a brown paper sack in his lap.
I wonder when Charlie will be home. I still can't believe what I saw in her truck. Billy thoughts continued to curse me.
"Thanks," Bella responded in a confused voice, "Why don't you come in for a minute and dry off?" she offered.
She doesn't seem scared or nervous...not at all like she was just with a vampire. Billy was alight with a feverous fanatical burn.
Bella opened the door and showed them in. Before the door was shut I was out of the truck and pelting through the woods.
Each step dragged as I was contemplating going back and scoping up Bella and running for it. The only reason I didn't was because Billy was right about everything. She shouldn't be with me. She should realize the appalling creature that I am and run away screaming. But she didn't; she continued to pull herself ever closer to me and I allowed it. I embraced her and wanted her in my arms. The love I was feeling for her was overwhelming. If anything were to happen to her... I stopped running in the forest to take several unneeded deep breaths. When the fear and anxiety finally dulled I swiftly made my way back home.
For the first time in ages Alice wasn't waiting for me at the porch steps; Emmett was.
"Hey! I heard that you and Bella are coming out to play ball tonight!" Emmett laughed loudly while his face twisted with glee.
"No, Bella will not be playing," I said with a grim smile.
"Oh, damn it. I was hoping to see Bella with a bat in her hand," Emmett smiled sinisterly.
"Please, like I would place a bat in her hands!"
Yeah, yeah I get it. You just don't understand how funny it is when she does something human, Emmett chortled a wild little laugh as he walked into the house.
Alice walked over the threshold then, You know this is going to be a good game. There will be a tie breaker. Do you remember what happened last time between Jasper and Emmett? Esme is going to have to come up with a better idea for tie breaking.
I smiled at her, "So are you pitching?"
Of course, you can't let Carlisle do it; he's just not that good at pitching. Alice thought.
We were both silent for a few seconds and I could tell what topic of conversation Alice really wanted to cover, "Go ahead, ask me," I suggested.
When can I take Bella shopping? Please let me take her soon! Have you seen the dreadful attire she was wearing? Just wait until you see what she is wearing tonight. Ugh! Alice pouted.
"We'll see," I replied.
Fine, okay... Want to throw the ball around? Alice asked, bored.
"Sure."
Alice flew through the house, grabbed a baseball and flew to the backyard. I was already waiting for her. We threw the ball back and forth for several minutes until Jasper and Emmett came outside to join us. Emmett and Jasper decided that throwing the ball back and forth was 'boring' and needed some spice.
They began throwing the ball as far as they could to see who would be the first to not catch it. This went on for several long minutes. I sat on the grass watching the sun slowly descending behind the trees. I got up in a hurry to pick Bella up.
Take Emmett's Jeep. Trust me. Alice sent a vision of us running through the forest, She would appreciate it if part of the way there wasn't on your back, she giggled.
"Hey, Emmett, I'm taking your jeep," I informed him.
"Okay, bring it back in one piece, oh, and you better help Bella get into the Jeep. I wouldn't want to see her get hurt trying to get in it," Emmett's bellowing laugh echoed and reverberated off of the trees.
"Funny," I muttered.
I could hear Charlie and Bella's conversation from a mile down the road. I caught the very end of it. Bella had informed Charlie that we were going on a date and Charlie was having a hard time comprehending the match. "Where is he taking you?" he asked protectively.
I could hear Bella groan loudly, "I hope you're getting the Spanish Inquisition out of your system now. We're going to play baseball with his family," she explained.
Baseball? Hum, maybe I had things all wrong with this Edward kid, Charlie mumbled in his thoughts, But, Bella, playing ball? A loud chuckle erupted from him. "You're playing baseball?" he asked in disbelief.
I was extremely pleased that she finally told Charlie the truth about our plans.
"Well, I'll probably watch most of the time," she responded.
All of the time, I amended in my mind.
"You must really like this guy," Charlie observed suspiciously.
I heard Bella sigh as I parked in the driveway. I heard the water going in the kitchen. "Leave the dishes, I can do them tonight. You baby me too much," said Charlie.
I promptly made my way to the front door and lightly pressed the door bell. Bells began ringing throughout the house. I heard Charlie's footsteps followed by Bella's coming towards the door. He opened the door swiftly sending their scent flying out into the rain. Every particle of air around me began soaking up Bella's scent instantly. Charlie's scent could have been non-existent compared to hers. I could almost catch her taste on the saturated air.
"Come on in, Edward," Charlie greeted me.
Bella exhaled a large gust of air sending another tantalizing scent ripping down my throat and sending my stomach into knots at the fragrance.
"Thanks, Chief Swan," I replied respectfully.
"Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I'll take your jacket," he reached for it.
I pulled it off quickly and replied, "Thanks, sir," before handing it over.
"Have a seat there, Edward," he ordered while pointing to the seat.
I saw Bella's face in my peripheral vision and she looked like she was going to be sick with anxiety. I sat down in the only chair. Bella and Charlie sat on the sofa. Bella glared at me with her arms folded around her stomach. Her kittenish out-rage was comical at best and so I winked when Charlie's back was turned. Her cheeks turned bright pink - in horror or embarrassment I wasn't sure.
"So I hear you're getting my girl to watch baseball," Charlie mused.
"Yes, sir, that's the plan," I answered courteously.
"Well, more power to you, I guess," he said incredulously and we both broke into hooting laughs.
Blood had boiled to the surface of Bella's face and rage flowed out of her mouth. She stood up, "Okay. Enough humor at my expense. Let's go," she ordered.
I waited for Charlie to stand up and then followed him. We met Bella in the hall while she angrily pulled her jacket over her flannel shirt. I don't care what Alice said, the flannel looks pleasant on her. When she flipped her hair it sent a wave of her bouquet my direction and I inhaled deeply at the pleasurable pain that was echoing in my throat.
"Not too late, Bell," Charlie instructed.
"Don't worry, Charlie, I'll have her home early," I promised.
What he didn't know was that I would be staying the night in his daughter's room...again. Holding her tightly against my body and tracing every line of her face, arms, and shoulders. I imagined her trembling under my touch when Charlie finally distracted me.
"You take care of my girl, all right?" Charlie ordered and I could hear the mental humming of his love for his only daughter spilling from his mind in large waves crashing into me all at once. I wondered briefly if this is what Jasper felt like when he absorbed someone's mood.
Bella groaned again but we both ignored her.
"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir."
There was no doubt that she would always be safe with me, that I would never let any harm come to her. Charlie's thoughts became muffled like they did at times but I could still tell that he believed me. I grabbed my jacket and watched Bella walk angrily down the hall. Bella, still in her kittenish rage, turned to look at me and then marched out of the house. Charlie and I both laughed and I followed her. When she reached the porch her jaw almost dropped to the ground when she caught sight of the Jeep. Charlie came into view of the Jeep too and whistled.
"Wear your seat belts," he stammered.
Bella finally got her act together after taking in the whole jeep. Her eyes had roamed from the monster tires to the metal guards over the headlights and the crash bar. She stalked forward and I followed her, opening the passenger side door. I saw her look at the ground and then at the seat while her eyes slightly popped. She crouched like she was about to spring up into the seat. I sighed remembering Emmetts taunts and I carefully grabbed her around the waist and lifted her into the Jeep with one hand. It was pouring down rain and her scent was teasing me by swirling around my nose and deep in my lungs as I inhaled.
I walked around to the front of the Jeep while watching Bella struggle with the seat belt. I suppressed a chuckle. I opened the driver's side door and she looked at me confused, "What's all this?" she asked pointing to the buckles.
"It's an off-roading harness."
"Oh-oh," she looked nervous.
I watched her struggle some more, delighting in the blood flushing her face at her frustration. She wasn't going to give up the fight and I finally sighed, reaching over her to help. I brought the seat belt over her neck caressing her lightly and brought my finger tips across her collarbone. Her hands went limp in her lap and her heart was like a humming bird's wings. She began breathing heavily. The scent of her breath hit me like a ton of bricks, sweet and delicious. I pulled away once she was buckled. I did enjoy dazzeling her.
I turned the key in the ignition and the engine roared the life. Bella was looking rather nervous. "This is a...um...big Jeep you have."
"It's Emmett's," I informed her, "I didn't think you'd want to run the whole way."
She was still breathless, "Where do you keep this thing?"
"We remodeled one of the outbuildings into a garage," I explained.
She looked at me with one eyebrow raised, "Aren't you going to put on your seat belt?"
I threw her a disbelieving look. She was being ridiculous. She continued to stare at me and her look suddenly became horror struck, "Run the whole way? As in, we're still going to run part of the way?" her voice rose a few intervals.
I tried to prevent a grin from spreading across my face but it was a hopeless attempt. My lips turned up at the corners no matter how hard I tried to suppress it, "You're not going to run."
"I'm going to be sick," she pulled her lips together tightly like she was preventing herself from getting sick right then.
Again, I tried to prevent a smile from appearing and yet there it was.
"Keep your eyes closed, you'll be fine."
With her normal nervous gesture she began biting at her lower lip. When she did this it always made me a little anxious that she might hurt herself, but she never did. I watched her carefully as the panic was racing through her veins. Her pulse was hammering and her breath was heavy on the air. Her hair was slightly wet from the rain and I couldn't help it - I brought my nose to her head and kissed her hair. A groan came out of my throat without my permission. I pulled away and she gave me a questioning look.
"You smell so good in the rain," I explained.
I took more air into my lungs, a whirl wind of her warm scent swirled into them. I held it there for a second before exhaling and doing it all over again; reveling in her aroma.
"In a good way or a bad way?" she gave me a furtive look.
I sighed, "Both, always both."
Once our journey took us off the paved road and into the forest conversation became impossible for Bella because she was bouncing up and down. I swear I could see her eyes rattling around. I couldn't help but smile at her look. It was hilarious and no matter how hard I tried to hide my smile, it was brilliant and brightly plastered across my face. The end of the path loomed into view and we could no longer drive any farther. I stopped the Jeep turning the key as the engine became silent.
"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here," I explained.
"You know what? I'll just wait here," she answered sarcastically.
"What happened to all your courage?" I asked with a smile, "You were extraordinary this morning."
Her face started draining of all color, "I haven't forgotten last time yet."
I wrenched the door open and hopped out of the Jeep and in less than a second I was on her side of the Jeep unbuckling her seat belt. She stared at me indignantly.
"I'll get those, you go on ahead," she protested.
I finally unbuckled all of the straps and decided teasing was the best way to go, "Hmmm...," I mused, "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory."
I pulled her into my arms and sat her gently on the ground.
"Tamper with my memory?" she asked anxiously.
"Something like that," I teased.
It was no longer raining and the mist was falling into her hair sending the sweet seductive scent evaporating into every particle of air around us. I took in a generous amount of the air in between us. I decided a distraction was needed so I could get her into the clearing.
She was leaning against the Jeep and I took two hasty steps until I trapped her there by placing both of my hands on either side of her. I brought my body ever closer to hers. She backed away slightly but didn't seem to mind my closeness. Her warm body enveloped me as I brought my face ever closer to hers. I wanted to place my lips to hers. I was nervous to see what her reaction would be this time.
"Now," I breathed, "what exactly are you worrying about?"
"Well, um, hitting a tree -" she gulped, "�C and dying. And then getting sick."
I remembered both times when she got sick; at school and after running with me. I couldn't help but smile at the memories but quickly smoothed my face. I moved the few extra inches until her warm breath was now in my mouth. I brought my lips to the hollow at the base of her throat. I kissed lightly moving my nose under her jaw lightly.
"Are you still worried now?" I breathed on her skin making her tremble in pleasure.
"Yes." her voice quivered in bliss, "About hitting trees and getting sick."
Apparently I wasn't distracting her enough though I was thoroughly distracted. I was euphoric. I trailed the tip of my nose up her throat and down her jaw line to the tip of her chin.
"And now?" I whispered while breathing in her every breath.
"Trees," she inhaled, "Motion sickness."
I brought my lips to her eyes and kissed her eye lids, "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"
"No, but I might," her confidence failing extravagantly.
I began my journey to her mouth. I kissed slowly down her cheek letting her skin warm them. I brought my lips to the corner of her mouth. Gently, I let my bottom lip softly brush against hers.
"Would I let a tree hurt you?"
My lips were barely touching her. A curious sensation crawled up my throat. With every touch of our lips electricity shot through my body sending a joyous feeling through my veins. Her bottom lip was trembling in absolute pleasure. I took in several generous gulps of her breath.
"No," she breathed against my lips.
"You see," I said my lips touching hers as I spoke, "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"
"No," she sighed and she became limp against the Jeep, giving up.
I pulled her face into my hands a little rougher than usual and brought my lips to hers fiercely. Our lips were moving together and we were both panting heavily at the sensations shooting through our bodies. She brought her arms around my neck bringing me closer to her. We embraced frantically while our bodies were welded together. My hands moved eagerly to her back bringing her closer to my chest while bowing her body against mine. She was quivering with delight as her lips parted slightly and she sighed heavily bringing her breath deep in my lungs. Excitement exploded in the pit of my stomach.
I let go and staggered back several steps, flustered, realizing this was the only sensible course of action. I couldn't believe I let myself get so out of control.
"Damn it, Bella!" I was gasping, "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."
I watched as she leaned forward placing her hands on her knees and panting.
"You're indestructible," she mumbled while continuing to breathe heavily.
I was so angry at myself for letting it get that far. I monster inside me wanted me to lose control and I couldn't let that happen.
"I might have believed that before I met you. Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," I growled.
I pulled Bella onto my back while trying to be as gentle as possible. She secured herself to me by wrapping her legs around my waist and pulling her arms around my neck. The warmth rippled down my body.
"Don't forget to close your eyes," I reminded her.
She lodged her face into my shoulder and it sent a jolt of electricity through me. I could feel her warm breath. I broke into a run and her pulse picked up, her heart beating out large palpitations.
It only took a matter of minutes before we arrived just outside the clearing where my family was already preparing to play ball. Bella did not move as I stood there waiting for her to let go. I was terrified that she had opened her eyes and fallen sick like before. I reached behind me and ran my fingers through her silky hair gently.
"It's over, Bella," I said softly.
She sighed in relief and she was suddenly no longer wrapped around me. I heard a pulpous noise that was followed by, "Oh!"
I turned around swiftly worried she had hurt herself. I did the smallest of double takes before I saw her expression and the tension finally broke between us. Her face was screwed up in embarrassment. I was trying my hardest to hold in laughter but I was unable to. I barked out a laugh. Her expression had twisted into indignation and chagrin. She pushed herself off the ground while brushing dirt and bracken off of her backside. She turned, muttering silently, and marched off in the wrong direction.
A smile was still on my face as I wrapped my arm around her waist. "Where are you going, Bella?"
"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun without you," she said bitterly.
"You're going the wrong way," I said coolly.
She turned on her heal with a firm and purposeful tread in the opposite direction. I shook my head back and forth at her and grabbed her around the waist a second time.
"Don't be mad, I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face," I tried to explain but a chuckle broke through my composure.
She looked at me haughtily. "Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to get mad?" she asked while raising her eyebrows.
I paused for a moment and studied her face. "I wasn't mad at you."
"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" she quoted crisply.
"That was simply a statement of fact," I said while still trying to hold in my amusement.
She gave me a look of pure abhorrence and turned to stride away again. In a quick motion I pulled her to my chest. I couldn't take it if she left me now.
"You were mad," she persisted, her face stricken.
"Yes."
"But you just said �C" she began.
"That I wasn't mad at you. Can't you see that, Bella?" I asked patiently. "Don't you understand?"
I felt completely exasperated. She was so sweet, loving...fragile; there was nothing she could do to make me upset at her.
She pursed her lips. "See what?" she insisted with a confused expression.
"I'm never angry with you �C how could I be? Brave, trusting...warm as you are," I explained.
"Then why?" she asked softly.
I analyzed her face, trying to read her mind once again. I reached the barrier I always did while trying to probe her mind, the silence persisted. She looked just as confused as ever. I sighed and pulled her delicate face in my cold palms. Her cheeks instantly warmed my whole body. I looked her straight in the eyes. "I infuriate myself," I said quietly. "The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger; I should be able to �C"
She placed her warm palm over my mouth touching my lips softly. "Don't."
She stared into my eyes, the depth of her eyes were communicating with mine. I put my hand over hers and moved it to my cheek. The warmth radiated off of her skin and deep into my body. I felt the sudden urge to bring our lips together and tell her how much I loved her. The words were exiting my mouth before I made the decision to do so. "I love you," I stated. "It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true."
Her face softened at my words. "Now, please try to behave yourself," I pleaded as I slowly bent down and brushed my lips lightly across hers.
She didn't move but her heart raced and she parted her lips with a sigh. I inhaled copious amounts of her breath into my lungs letting it send flames down my throat.
"You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember," she whispered against my lips. "We'd better get going."
My insides were twisting in pleasure at our touch but I finally got my act together.
"Yes ma'am," I replied while continuing to smile.
I released all of her but her hand. I showed her the way through the forest. It was only a few feet until we reached the clearing. I was feeling radiant with glee. Esme, Rosalie and Emmett were sitting on a large rock. When they caught sight of us they all three rose. Alice and Jasper were in the distance throwing the ball back and forth and Carlisle was marking bases.
Right on time! Alice thought.
I'll just hold my breath if she gets too close, Jasper contemplated.
I thought I heard them, Esme thought while walking in our direction.
Rosalie strode off in the other direction without a single glance behind her. Oh great...the human's here, Rosalie sneered, alight with malice.
Come on! Jeez, not this again... Emmett stared at the back of Rosalie as she marched away from us. Whatever, I'm not missing this. Emmett followed behind Esme.
"Was that you we heard, Edward?" Esme asked as she approached us.
Yeah, that weird gurgling noise. "It sounded like a bear choking." Emmett chortled.
A small timid smile was on Bella's face. "That was him."
Oh, I see how it is, I thought internally. "Bella was being unintentionally funny," I explained with a wide grin.
Alice came running towards us. Five seconds, she thought as she stopped in front of us.
"It's time," she announced.
Lightning flashed through the dark cloudy sky while thunder rippled overhead shaking the ground around us. Bella's eyes grew wide in wonder.
Her face is hilarious, Emmett thought. "Eerie, isn't it?" he winked at Bella hoping for her to make another 'human' face.
"Let's go." Alice grabbed Emmett's hand and they speed swiftly away toward the field.
I'll take care of her. Go play now, Esme vested.
Excitement was flowing in my veins. It had been a long time since I had felt so light and buoyant. "Are you ready for some ball?" I asked eagerly.
Her face showed a mix of awe, bewilderment, and perplexity at the game. She seemed extremely intimidated. "Go team!" she said enthusiastically. A chuckle came through my lips as I fluffed her hair up in a frenzy and bounded after Alice and Emmett.
Another crash of lightning sent a rumble of thunder through the earth at our feet. All the amazing feelings shooting through my body were making me exceedingly intoxicated with bliss. In this moment I felt like I had everything I could ever want. I flew past Alice and Emmett.
Show off, Emmett thought.
I just chuckled at his expression as I turned to run backwards, stopping in the outfield next to Carlisle. I peered over Emmett's shoulder to see Esme and Bella walking toward the field.
"Same teams?" Carlisle asked.
Everyone nodded in agreement. My team members, Carlisle and Alice, left to go to their positions. Carlisle went to stand between first and second base while Alice went to the pitcher's mound. I darted toward the outfield.
Edward, you are such a gentleman, Esme commended.
I hadn't been paying attention to their conversation and listened to the end of it as they finally reached the outside of the playing field.
"You don't mind, then? That I'm...all wrong for him?" Bella asked Esme incredulously.
She's not all wrong for me, I'm all wrong for her. I amended internally.
"No." Esme began. I'd never want to take Bella away from Edward, I just couldn't imagine... "You're what he wants. It will work out, somehow." He needs to change her but I know if he never will, Esme was thinking wistfully.
The ground shook below us as thunder rumbled overhead.
Get ready, Edward! Emmett chortled internally. He was swinging the bat back and forth.
He'll miss the first one, Alice snickered.
"All right," Esme called out. "Batter up."
Emmett raised his bat, ready to strike. Alice continued to snicker internally as she pictured Emmett missing the first pitch. She brought the ball to her waist. In a swift stealthy move she brought the ball into flight. It flew past Emmett at amazing speeds as Jasper caught it.
He's going to hit the next one, Edward. Be prepared, though, there is a ninety-seven percent chance you'll catch it. Alice mused in her mind.
Jasper threw the ball back at Alice and she showed her gleaming teeth at him.
Damn she is so attractive when she pitches, Jasper thought.
I began ignoring Jasper's thoughts quickly after that. I didn't need to be distracted from the game. Alice brought the ball back to her waist. She threw it with great force again and I was prepared. Emmett hit the ball with such strength that the aluminum smashed into the ball making a sound so fierce that it reverberated off the trees. It sounded just like the thunder. I caught a glimpse of Bella before I took off running. Her face looked stunned.
The ball suddenly flew toward me at a ferocious velocity. It went whizzing by me at lethal speeds and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to catch it. Bella had distracted me with yet another one of her expressions. I hurtled through the woods, jumping over downed trees, hopping over rocks until I caught up with the ball. I put all my strength into my leap as I jumped and caught the ball while grabbing onto a branch and swinging down to the ground.
With immense speed I ran back to the clearing, ball raised high and a smile prominent on my face.
"Out!" Esme yelled to Emmett's disappointment.
Don't worry, I'll get you back... he threatened.
Bella had a bewildered expression. I heard Esme explaining what happened. "Emmett hits the hardest, but Edward runs the fastest."
Jasper was next to bat. He already knew that throwing one towards me would be a mistake and was going for a ground ball. He hit the ball and it bounced off the ground. Carlisle caught it and started running to beat Jasper to first base. They collided and sent another thunderous noise through the night's air.
Bella was sitting on the grass and jumped up with a look of concern on her face. I laughed harder than ever at her expression.
"Safe." Esme called out.
We continued to play until the other team had three outs. We switched positions and I was at Bella's side in a quick motion that she almost didn't see.
"What do you think?" I asked in excitement.
"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to sit through dull old Major League Baseball again," she smiled widely.
"And it sounds like you did so much of that before," I laughed.
The thrill of the game and the desire I felt when I was around Bella had me feeling high.
"I am a little disappointed," she said teasingly.
"Why?" I asked, perplexed.
"Well," she grinned, "it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet."
She thought I was better than everyone else on the planet. I was soaring. I didn't think anything could remove the smile that seemed to be permanently plastered on my face.
I'm going to have to have a talk with her about filling your head with non-sense, Emmett guffawed stupidly.
You're oozing love over here. You're up lover boy, Jasper joked.
"I'm up!" I told Bella while heading to the plate.
We continued to play for several innings when several things happened simultaneously. I had bent down to get into the catching position, Carlisle had walked up to bat and Alice gasped in horror while she shrieked in alarm in her mind. I brought my eyes to hers as I saw what she was seeing. Terror rose inside me as a large dead weight fell through my chest and into my stomach.
Three vampires were running in our direction, curious about playing ball. The next series of visions had me scrambling to Bella's side in terror.
Edward, no! Alice thought while her vision continued as one tall vampire caught Bella's scent on the wind and attacked. In her vision Bella didn't die because we prevented him from sucking her dry but she had been bitten. Only a part of a second had passed and I was at Bella's side.
Get her out of here now! Alice bellowed from her mind. My brain was in limbo because I saw the other outcomes too.
Everyone was saying Alice's name alarmingly in their heads but Esme was the first to break the silence. "Alice?" she asked, her voice strained.
"I didn't see �C I couldn't tell," she mouthed almost soundlessly.
I felt Bella tense up as everyone flew rapidly to her side in protection. Bella knew - she had to know. She was always so observant. Everyones thoughts were jumbled in confusion and alarm. Panic burst inside me like poisonous gas.
"What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asked in a business like tone.
It's too late, Edward. I'm sorry. "They were traveling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," Alice's eyes were blank yet horror struck.
They'll have to go through me before they get to Alice, Jasper thought protectively. He moved closer to her. "What changed?"
She looked up at him in absolute horror. I could see how split second decisions were altering her visions. None of them looked promising. "They heard us playing, and it changed their path," she explained with pure agony in her voice.
It's my fault, she thought feebly.
We all looked at Bella and saw that her face was shocked. Her heart drummed madly as she comprehended our words. I saw through seven pairs of eyes Bella's expressions from every angle. Each of their thoughts were ricocheting in my head. Was this the punishment I would suffer for being selfish? Losing her? I cried internally. My heart was screaming in protest.
"How soon?" Carlisle asked me.
Alice was in a stunned stupor. I read through each line of her thoughts as they flitted across her mind. "Less than five minutes. They're running �C they want to play." I frowned at him.
Take Bella and run! "Can you make it?" Carlisle asked me nervously.
I brought her scent into my lungs. It was just another reminder of how weak and fragile she was.
"No, not carrying �C" I cut short. "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."
It was one of the many visions that had gone through Alice's mind: Bella being hunted. Each decision we made turned the outcome into something different. Some were more devastating than others. As soon as I decided it I saw the reaction of the vampires. They would hunt �C we would lose. I couldn't run with her.
This isn't good, Carlisle thought.
All right, a fight! Emmett exclaimed in his head, completely unperturbed. I glowered at him. He shrugged, I'm sorry. I don't want them to hurt Bella any more than you do.
"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.
"Three," she clipped in a muffled wail.
"Three!" That will be too easy. "Let them come." Emmett scoffed and began flexing his muscles.
Everyone's thoughts were in such a frantic state of mind I couldn't listen anymore. They were coming at me from all angles. Bella's name was coming up in every single thought. I began dissolving in misery. It was entirely fault.
"Let's just continue the game," Carlisle finally decided. "Alice said they were simply curious."
This is ludicrous! I can't believe this crap...all for a human girl. Rosalie muttered reproachfully.
Now that the decision is made what is the outcome? Carlisle asked me.
I shrugged because there were too many situations where decisions have yet to be made. I knew my face was screwed up in concentration and I knew that worry lines were etched into every crease of my face. I could see myself perfectly in Carlisle's mind as he stared at me.
Everyone began walking out onto the field to continue the game. Their minds were somewhere else though.
Forest is clear here, Emmett thought.
I nodded in his direction. Esme grabbed my arms and pulled me just a few feet away from Bella. The short distance felt like miles. I was so horrified that I had brought her to danger. Anguish was ripping through my body. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach.
"Are they thirsty?" Esme whispered.
I shook my head.
That's good to hear. Esme was relieved.
I headed back to Bella quickly. "You catch, Esme. I'll call it now."
I stood in front of Bella protectively. I would die to save her if I had to. She didn't deserve any fate but life. My insides were plummeting sickeningly with each aching second before the crimson eyed creatures were to come into view.
I won't let anything happen to her, I swear. Alice tried to assure me.
She had refused to go back onto the field, staying at Bella's side in a protective stance. I knew that in this moment Alice showed her loyalty to me. The space between her and Jasper made him relatively nervous and he, too, was staying closer to Alice because of the situation. Emmett and Rosalie were staying in the infield. Chaos was filling everyone's minds around me.
The wind blew across Bella's neck sending her sultry scent down my lungs. "Take your hair down," I commanded.
Her face looked positively terrified as she obediently slid her rubber band out of her hair and shook it out. She could tell that eminent danger was around the corner. The smell assaulted my lungs again.
"The others are coming now," she stated.
I knew she could understand. Her knowing mind always amazed me. For a fleeting second I thought about what it would do to me if she were no longer around. Pain ripped through my chest leaving large angry scratches.
"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please," I pleaded.
The billowing wind blew her scent towards me again. Each time it was a reminder of how easily this could go wrong. The knot in my stomach tightened. I pulled her hair forward and tried to wrap it as closely to her neck as possible.
Edward...Edward. Edward! Alice was shouting my name from her head but I was too preoccupied to notice. "That won't help," she whispered, "I could smell her from across the field."
"I know," I said, frustrated.
Bella was like a gazelle in a sea of lions.
I didn't want to scare her but you wouldn't respond. Alice sighed in her thoughts.
The rest of my family began playing baseball again. This time they were lightly bunting the ball and barely running at top speeds. We weren't interested in the game anymore. The waves of terror continued emitting from everyone's mind. I felt Bella's heat against me. She had moved within inches of my body. "What did Esme ask you?" she whispered.
I wasn't going to tell her but I realized that I had too. I hesitated for only a second. "Whether they were thirsty," I was thoroughly discomposed.
This is the dumbest idea ever. I don't know what the hell Edward is thinking keeping her human. Grr. So frail and...mortal. Rosalie wailed in a real temper.
I ignored her because I was too busy looking for the minds of strangers in the forest.
I wonder how many there are. An unknown 'voice' flitted through my head.
My eyes snapped up to the edge of the tree line. I couldn't believe I had put Bella in this kind of danger. I was constantly putting her in harm's way. "I'm sorry Bella," I cried, "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry."
I couldn't expect forgiveness because I didn't deserve it.
This should be interesting. I heard an unfamiliar female's mind.
I heard them in the distance and so did the rest of my family. There was a quivering silence cutting through the air as my family peered out at the darkening forest in the direction of the coming doom. They were just lurking out of sight. I was convinced for a whole shining second that they had changed their minds until three dark figures emerged from the forest.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-17 21:41
20. Tracker
Each vampire strode out of the forest with a wild expression on their face while their brilliant bright red eyes glittered. The three of them came closer together once they saw how many of us there were. The female had long red curly hair and a catlike appearance. The two males were both tall and built. As they came closer to my family I could understand their chaotic thoughts - our family was large for our kind and civilized compared to most other nomads. I knew what these kind of vampires looked like already, so their torn clothes, disheveled hair and bare feet were not something that would take me off guard.
All of their thoughts were thinking in sync with each other. How many vampires are there?
They were all shocked as they made their way towards us. Our numbers were an unpleasant surprise to them. They drifted ever closer to us with extreme caution.
Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper walked toward the approaching vampires to greet them, leaving only a short distance between us. I stationed myself securely in front of Bella. The visitors were cautiously looking around, mentally tabulating their chances of winning if a fight were to ensue. Once they began closing ranks with my family I began to listen carefully to their thoughts, making sure none of them sensed Bella for what she was - a human.
Their eyes aren't red... but... How weird. The vampire named Laurent thought.
As they descended upon us I had already figured out their names. Each one of them was thinking about the other in turn. The vampire named Victoria was looking anxiously between Laurent and the other male vampire, James. She didn't like the idea that James had to put Laurent in the front �C to seem the leader of their coven but she was also grateful that he did because if there was an attack Laurent would be killed first and not her precious James.
Her eyes darted in our direction. Why are they huddled around that one girl? Victoria thought.
As she continued to look in our direction I concentrated on her thoughts alone. She was unknowingly absorbing the signs of the subtle differences between our kind and Bella's. Bella was the only human in a sea of vampires. The scent had not hit her yet. I began concentrating on the others thoughts also. James was a particularly vicious vampire. He was constantly gloating about how superior he was in his mind.
James had caught sight of the many scars on Jaspers skin. Look at all of those battle scars. I'll keep my eye on him. He is the real danger of this coven. James was thinking strategy.
I just don't understand why so many would gather together like this. Laurent thought.
My family and the visitors finally met. "We thought we heard a game," Laurent said lazily. "I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James." He gestured toward the others.
Carlisle looked completely at ease as he spoke. "I'm Carlisle," he began in a hollow voice. "This is my family, Emmett and Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Alice, Edward and Bella." He pointed to each grouping as he spoke.
The new comers still hadn't caught scent of Bella but James was peering around me to her. He was noticing that her cheeks were tinged lightly with a pinkish glow and how her eyes were a dark chocolate brown. He stepped closer, unintentionally, to get a better look.
"Do you have room for a few more players?" Laurent asked cordially.
"Actually, we were just finishing up. But we'd certainly be interested another time. Are you planning to stay in the area for long?" Carlisle said in faux enthusiasm, though Laurent hadn't noticed.
How long do they plan to be in the area? It's doubtful they would be able to stay here for long. Victoria looked at us incredulously.
"We're headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighborhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time." Laurent replied amicably.
There is something about the dark haired girl. James continued to look at her.
His eyes wondered to mine as he continued to think strategically. He doesn't seem like too much for a threat. He thought scathingly.
I didn't let my expression change - the less he knew about me and my ability, the better. Jasper could feel the extreme hostility emitting from James so he used his gift to calm him down, along with sending waves of calm to the other vampires. James' thoughts returned to the conversation once he heard Carlisle's response.
"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourselves." Carlisle explained.
Except for them? All three thought simultaneously.
Jasper was truly talented. His continuous calm had changed the atmosphere into a more controllable situation.
"What's your hunting range?" Laurent inquired.
"The Olympic Range here, up and down the Coast Ranges on occasion. We keep a permanent residence nearby. There's another permanent settlement like ours up near Denali." Carlisle explained.
A permanent residence? They all thought together.
They never leave? How is that possible? Laurent thought in astonishment before voicing his question. "Permanent? How do you manage that?" he asked, intrigued.
This could be our opportunity to get Bella away from here. Be ready to move her away from them. Carlisle directed his thoughts to me.
"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?" Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story," he explained.
Home? Victoria and James thought together and then exchanged incredulous looks.
"That sounds very interesting, and welcome." Laurent smiled while choosing his words carefully. "We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario, and we haven't had the chance to clean up in a while."
I wonder what it is like to be so clean and dressed so nicely all the time, Laurent wondered.
"Please don't take offense, but we'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from hunting in this immediate area. We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand." Carlisle asked politely.
"Of course," Laurent nodded. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed while picturing his last prey and the kill.
What? You idiot! Why would you agree to that? James roared in apparent displeasure.
I could feel Bella shaking and I tried to hide her obvious human tendencies from the visitors. The constant deluge of thoughts had me struggling trying to keep up with everything. I focused on the threat and Carlisle.
Get ready to get her out of here! Carlisle ordered me.
"We'll show you the way if you'd like to run with us - Emmett and Alice, you can go with Edward and Bella to get the Jeep," Carlisle said as casually as possible while inconspicuously directing Emmett and Alice of what to do.
I could hear the wind from a mile away before it hit us. Alice looked at me frantically for a fraction of a second as she realized this, too, and her vision of us escaping unscathed shifted abruptly. I saw it flash and in that second I realized what was going to happen. The wind was only a second away and I was prepared.
Suddenly the wind blew Bella's hair off her neck and sent her fragrance soaring towards the other vampires. James turned to face her as many thoughts went running through his head. I was preparing to protect Bella. Her scent had been punctuated by the moisture in the air, just like always. A howling rush of anxious thoughts came flowing out of my families minds as they realized the danger.
Ummm...what a delicious scent, he thought hungrily.
His nostrils flared to bring her scent deeper into his lungs, he crouched down, preparing to spring. His eyes narrowed while coming closer to Bella. I was a step ahead of him and so was my family because they had caught her scent strongly on the wind before he did. He was not going to lay a single finger on Bella. My protective side took over and a ferocious snarl ripped up my throat menacingly towards James. I met his gaze unflinchingly and he was suddenly very still like a dog who's hunting a rabbit, ready to attack.
"What's this?" Laurent exclaimed in surprise.
Why are they protecting her? She is just a human and an exceptionally frail one at that! This is going to be harder than my last hunt. James thought in a sinister way, determined to seize her at the first opportunity.
His thoughts continued on a visual basis as I saw that he would pick victims who were harder to catch and track them down - delighting in the hunt. He continued to dwell on his satisfying memories of his obsession. The harder the kill, the more thrilling he found it. A sickening jolt ran through my stomach as I realized that if we didn't kill him now that he would continue to hunt Bella until she was dead. I shifted simultaneously with each movement he was planning to make.
"She's with us," Carlisle claimed quickly, almost in a threat.
The scent didn't register with Laurent or Victoria for a few seconds longer. When it finally registered with them the scent was obviously not as strong to them as it was to James.
"You brought a snack?" Laurent had a smile spread across his face as he took a step forward, ignoring everyone's protective stance. He was resisting the temptation much easier than James.
A small horrified gasp exited Bella's lips. Another growl ripped up my throat, harsher than before. My teeth were showing and it sent a jolt of unease down Laurent's spine. He stepped back.
"I said she's with us," Carlisle looked tense and protective.
"But she's human," Laurent protested with a quizzical look on his face, slightly taken aback. Maybe this is how they stay inconspicuous...keeping a human as a pet?
"Yes," Emmett replied while stepping towards James.
Laurent knew better than to become aggressive when there were so many vampires protecting Bella. He caught sight of Jasper who had his hands clenched so tightly that his scars shown pearly white. He looked quickly away and towards James while giving him a dark look. What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get us killed? He thought.
James slowly pulled out of his crouch but his thoughts and eyes were still on Bella. No matter what happened now, he was going to hunt her. Tonight �C she will be mine, James thought excitedly. This should make for a much more interesting sport, he continued and it was obvious that our presence made the hunt considerably more interesting.
I refused to move from my protective stance, remaining forcibly in his way. Jasper's waves of calm were working on the other two vampires but not on James. He seemed completely unaffected, like his body overrode it for the mere thought of a hunt as intriguing as this one would be.
This one should be fun; I bet James is already making plans. Victoria thought while failing extravagantly to hide the excitement of the hunt on her face.
"It appears we have a lot to learn about each other," Laurent spoke smoothly, trying to placate the situation.
"Indeed," Carlisle's voice was relatively calm.
I don't understand the fascination. "But we'd like to accept your invitation." Laurent's eyes darted toward Bella and me and then quickly away.
Good...Good, keep talking. This should help me out, James thought while his face lit up with a feverous fanatical glow.
"And, of course, we will not harm the human girl. We won't hunt in your range, as I said." Laurent added.
James threw him a disgruntled look. Well that doesn't help me out at all, he thought angrily. Or...maybe this will bring them into a false sense of security and they will let their guard down, James continued to plan in his head.
Carlisle studied Laurent's expression for several seconds. He seems to be handling this relatively well. I don't think inviting them over will hurt anything, Carlisle contemplated. "We'll show you the way. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme?" he called.
All three of them moved forward blocking Bella from their view. Alice bounded up next to Bella while Emmett walked backwards to us, never letting James out of his sight, knowing that I could see everything he saw.
I'm coming with you, Edward. I won't let anything happen to Bella, Emmett thought protectively.
We need to leave now, Alice thought urgently.
"Let's go, Bella." I commanded.
Bella didn't move; her eyes were wide in terror and shock. I grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her towards the jeep. Emmett and Alice stayed behind me, protecting both of us from any form of attack they might try to come at us with, all of us working as a seamless team.
We don't have much time, Edward. James will be after Bella shortly. Carlisle won't be able to stall them for long. Alice looked upset.
My impatience of her slow human pace was unbearable so by the time we reached the forest edge I threw Bella on my back as gentle as I could without slowing down and then I ran for it. Emmett and Alice were struggling to keep up with me; I was flying through the forest in a fury trying to get Bella away from the danger. I knew that this whole experience was jarring for Bella but the most important thing right now was for her to be safe. When we arrived next to the jeep I opened the door to the backseat and practically threw her in as the rest of us hurried into the Jeep.
The key was protruding from the ignition already and I turned it quickly while the engine roared to life. "Strap her in," I ordered Emmett who was already in the backseat.
We have to go - now! Alice shouted from her head. She was already sitting in the passenger's seat looking extremely anxious.
Her thoughts were unnecessary because I was already spinning the Jeep around to face the mountain road.
Hurry, he's close. Alice's eyes were wide with terror for Bella.
I was muttering ferociously while several profanities come through my lips, words that I would never use in front of a lady. Emmett and Alice were on full alert, constantly updating me in their thoughts at what was going on around us.
I can't hear or see anything. Emmett informed me urgently.
He lost Bella's scent once we took off in the Jeep, she explained to me, relaxing slightly.
I watched Bella in the review mirror and through Emmett's eyes. She was bouncing up and down on the seat, her eyes wide. I suddenly wished Jasper had come along with us to keep her calm.
Go south, they will split up but the prospects of them finding us are slim. Oh, she paused in thought, looks like they aren't planning to leave so quickly after everything after all. I wonder what they are going to do, Alice tried to look further in the future but there were too many decisions that hadn't been decided yet.
I turned south on the main road.
"Where are we going?" Bella finally spoke with a squeak.
No one answered her.
Just tell her, Alice commanded.
I shook my head slightly. Emmett realized we were having one of our private conversations and understood what I was answering.
"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?" Bella shouted this time, looking horrified.
I looked in the review mirror at her slightly crest fallen face and it broke my resolve. "We have to get you away from here - far away - now." I said hastily.
I pressed the accelerator down harder at my words while the Jeep's speed reached a hundred and five miles an hour.
"Turn around! You have to take me home!" she vehemently exclaimed.
This is exactly why I didn't want to tell her where we were going because I knew that she would demand what I couldn't give her. I looked in the review mirror again to see her face. She was fighting with the harness, tearing at the straps with tears welling up in her eyes.
"Emmett," I called.
Emmett looked down at her while she was angrily grasping at the straps. Jeez, she is in a fury. Emmett thought. He brought his hands to her wrists and held them tightly in his grasp. Bella looked in the review mirror with pure anguish in her eyes.
"No! Edward! No, you can't do this," she cried out.
When she begged and pleaded with me like this it broke my heart. I returned her gaze in the mirror. "I have to, Bella, now please be quiet." I implored.
She was stubborn, as always. "I won't! You have to take me back - Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family - Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to leave, to hide forever!" She shouted with a tragic expression displayed on her face.
Of course Bella was being selfless. It was just in her nature to care about everyone else when her life was in danger. This was nothing to our family - the FBI - it's happened before with Jasper and Emmett.
"Calm down, Bella." I commanded. "We've been there before," I was almost crying with exasperation.
"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!" she began struggling under Emmett's hold.
Edward, what do you want me to do? I don't want to hurt her but she is going to hurt herself with all of her struggling. Emmett thoughts became worried immediately.
"Edward, pull over," Alice directed. Bella has a good plan if you will just listen to her.
I gave Alice a grave look while pressing the gas down even harder, showing her that I wasn't even going to slow down, let alone pull over.
"Edward, let's just talk this through," she continued. He's not following us; he actually has no idea where we went. Now pull over, she inclined her head toward the roads shoulder.
"You don't understand," I yelled in frustration.
Alice had no idea that James was a tracker - that when he hunted his prey he never gave up and always conquered. I couldn't bring Bella back to Forks, he would find her and she would be in danger again. If she were to die, I would too.
"He's a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He's a tracker!" I shouted.
Crap! Emmett looked grim.
"Pull over, Edward." Do it now! We have to talk about this now! We are in this together and we all have to make the decisions together. That includes Bella! Alice raised her eyebrows like she was daring me to disagree with her.
I looked down at the speedometer as the Jeep had reached one-twenty.
"Do it, Edward," Alice said to me in a bossy disapproving voice while glaring at me.
She needed to understand, I had to explain to her but I didn't want to say this in front of Bella. I didn't want her to be more terrorized than she already was. I looked into the review mirror again as I saw Bella's encouraging eyes telling me to pull over. Her heart was hammering loudly in her chest and her scent was circling all of us in the Jeep, emphasizing her human frailness. I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second, hoping when I opened them again that this would all be over with. I couldn't stop, I must keep going!
"Listen to me, Alice," I gave her a reproachful look. "I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession - and he wants her, Alice �C her, specifically. He begins the hunt tonight."
"He doesn't know where -" Alice began but I cut her off.
"How long do you think it will take him to cross her scent in town? His plan was already set before the words were out of Laurent's mouth."
I heard a faint gasp come from Bella's lips and I looked quickly in the review mirror to see her lips parted in pure horror. "Charlie! You can't leave him there! You can't leave him!" she shouted and began thrashing against Emmett and the harness with nothing but pure worry in her expression.
"She's right," Alice said while she looked to the future and then she looked at me in horror.
I quickly dived into her mind, her vision was devastating. Bella! She will be so hurt and broken I don't know if we could fix her if Charlie is killed. We have to stop him �C now!
At the thought of what this could do to her I automatically slowed down. I didn't want her to die, but I could protect her from him... but I couldn't protect her from the agony, the grief that she would have to suffer if her father was killed. It would be torture to see her in such pain or worse, if she finally took the blame off herself and realized it was entirely my fault and refused to let me comfort her.
Alice could almost see my brain hard at work. "Let's just look at our options for a minute," she said coaxingly, knowing that I was deep in thought about our options.
The Jeep slowed as I took my foot off the accelerator slowly and the speedometer showed the Jeep slowing down to ninety miles an hour.
In Alice's vision James would give Victoria the first kill - Charlie. Victoria was his mate and they were extremely vicious together, feeding off of each other's ruthlessness. She would display Charlie's dead body to try and coax us back - and it would work! I slammed the brakes while pulling into the shoulder. I felt horribly powerless. The car behind me screeched to a halt too and honked their horn. I saw Bella slam back into the seat and I was instantly nervous I had done something to hurt her but she looked unscathed.
I turned to look at Alice. "There are no options," I howled.
To bring her back when that monster was hunting her - I just couldn't bare it if something were to happen. My brain was in limbo.
"I'm not leaving Charlie!" Bella yelled louder than I had ever heard but I ignored her.
"We have to take her back," Emmett said quietly.
"No," I said with authority.
"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her," Emmett promised.
"He'll wait," I explained.
We'll beat him at his own game then! "I can wait, too." Emmett said while grinning widely.
"You didn't see - you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakeable. We'd have to kill him." I shouted.
And this is a problem because? "That's an option," he replied unperturbed.
I was becoming angrier because I knew I was going to lose this argument. "And the female. She's with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too."
Three against seven? Please! "There are enough of us."
"There's another option," Alice replied quietly.
She saw what Bella was planning in her head and the only way she saw this plan was if it was a possibility. This made me angrier than before. "There - is - no - other - option!" I shouted.
I could see the shock on Bella and Emmett's face in the mirror. I turned to look at Alice. She has a good plan and you know it! Alice barked in her head.
I continued to stare at her with deepest dislike.
If she doesn't convince James that she is no longer in Forks than he will let Victoria kill Charlie. You can't let that happen. What would Carlisle say?
I continued to glare at her and her logic.
"Does anyone want to hear my plan?" Bella asked.
"No," I growled because I already knew her plan and disagreed with it.
I've had enough of this! Alice glared at me so menacingly I almost thought she was going to burn holes through me.
"Listen," Bella pleaded desperately. "You take me back."
"No," I cut in.
I turned to look at her and now she was glaring at me. "You take me back," she continued anyway. "I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."
Wow! I like her style. She fights dirty! Emmett looked surprised.
Just let her do this, Edward. Alice continued to glare at me.
"It's not a bad idea, really." Emmett allowed.
"It might work - and we simply can't leave her father unprotected. You know that," Alice replied in a I told you so tone.
Everyone's eyes were on me. I took in a deep breath. "It's too dangerous - I don't want him within a hundred miles of her."
"Edward, he's not getting through us," Emmett said confidently.
I wish I were as confident as he was. I looked at Alice because she started flitting through the future again. Ah, yes, the future is getting clearer. I see... "I don't see him attacking. He'll try to wait for us to leave her alone."
"It won't take long for him to realize that's not going to happen," Emmett said.
"I demand that you take me home." Bella said firmly.
My brain was swelling with the onslaught of information - the past events, the present and the future. Bringing my fingers to my temples and squeezing my eyes shut while trying to dispel all thoughts was useless but I tried anyway.
"Please," Bella whispered a cry.
I knew I had to do what was best for Bella all around, not what was just best for me. I decided a compromise would be the best I could deal with.
"You're leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can't stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don't care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep." I conceded.
The engine roared to life as I turned the key. I whipped the truck around while listening to everyone's thoughts.
I knew this was going to happen, Alice thought smugly.
Yes! We get to fight! Hell yes! Emmett rejoiced.
"Emmett?" Bella said. I looked in the mirror and she was looking down at her hands.
"Oh, sorry." Emmett said while letting go of her wrists.
This is the most exciting thing since mine and Jasper's trip to Africa. I hope Edward always keeps Bella around, everything is always so interesting! Emmett continued to think happy thoughts the whole way back to Forks.
While everyone else was silent I was working plans in my head. "This is how it's going to happen," I began to explain our strategy. "When we get to the house, if the tracker is not there, I will walk her to the door. Then she has fifteen minutes." I gave Bella a dark look in the mirror to let her know I wasn't going to change my mind on this point. "Emmett, you take the outside of the house. Alice, you get the truck. I'll be inside as long as she is. After she's out, you two can take the Jeep home and tell Carlisle."
What? No fight! "No way," Emmett interrupted. "I'm with you."
I sighed. "Think it through, Emmett. I don't know how long I'll be gone." I explained.
You aren't going to ruin this for me. "Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you," Emmett said with authority.
A growl almost escaped my lips. "If the tracker is there," I frowned, "we keep driving."
No worries! "We're going to make it there before him," Alice said with confidence. Oh no you don't, Edward, I'm staying with her. She thought when I planned to send her home."What are we going to do with the Jeep?" Alice asked to provoke me.
I gritted my teeth as I spoke. "You're driving it home."
No way! "No, I'm not!" she said coolly.
Tonight I just couldn't help myself, a stream of profanities come through my lips, but low enough I was sure Bella couldn't hear them. Would she think of me as a gentleman after this? What a dumb thing to be thinking about in such a crucial moment, I thought to myself.
"We can all fit in my truck," Bella said quietly.
I ignored her, she wasn't helping my cause.
"I think you should let me go alone," Bella said even more quietly, purposely provoking me.
I clenched my teeth and breathed through them slowly. "Bella, please just do this my way, just this once."
"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," she continued like she hadn't heard me. "If you're not in town tomorrow, he's going to get suspicious."
Why does she continually worry about me when she should be worried about herself? Beautiful, selfless, warm, trusting human...why do you do this to me? I roared internally. "That's irrelevant. We'll make sure he's safe, and that's all that matters." I told her.
I could see her rebuttal churning in her eyes before she spoke. "Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He's going to think you're with me, wherever you are."
Where on earth did this creature come from? Emmett wondered. "Edward, listen to her," he urged. "I think she's right," Emmett said, positively delighted.
Hum, she has a point. "Yes, she is," Alice agreed.
They already convinced me to come back to Forks and bring her back to the vampire who hunted her and now they expect me to stay behind! "I can't do that." I barked.
It was true, it was almost physically impossible for me to leave her now.
"Emmett should stay, too. He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett." She continued.
You have got to be kidding me! She's turning on me now! "What?" Emmett's eyes narrowed in her direction.
I'll placate him. Don't worry. "You'll get a better crack at him if you stay," Alice suggested.
The way they were planning was driving me insane. I had to put my foot down at some point. "You think I should let her go alone?" I said incredulously.
Do you think I'm an idiot? "Of course not. Jasper and I will take her." Duh.
I felt like I was being beaten down. They were making sense and I knew it, but I just couldn't stand the pain if something was to happen to her and I wasn't there to protect her. "I can't do that." I repeated.
Bella spoke up, "Hang out here for a week -" I looked at her in the mirror and she could see my I don't think so expression and amended "- a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home."
It will work. Really. Alice thought to me.
"Meet you where?" I conceded, curiosity getting the best of me.
"Phoenix." She said matter-of-factly.
"No. He'll hear that's where you're going," I said impatiently.
Oh! Great plan...Alice thought seeing what Bella would say before she spoke again.
"And you'll make it look like that's a ruse, obviously. He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I say I am going."
Interesting, always interesting. "She's diabolical," Emmett began to chuckle and I ignored him.
"And if that doesn't work?" I muttered.
"There are several million people in Phoenix," she informed me like that settled it.
How did our conversation end up like this - here, in Forks embracing danger? We should be a hundred miles away by now! "It's not that hard to find a phone book," I said grimly.
"I won't go home," she said happily.
This is entertaining, really. Emmett thought with another chuckle in his head.
I wanted to roll my eyes at her or shake some sense into her. Maybe she had lost her mind with the stress of the ordeal. "Oh?" I asked, utterly perplexed.
"I'm quite old enough to get my own place," she smiled at me in the mirror.
It won't come to that. Don't worry. "Edward, we'll be with her," Alice winked at me.
Everyone had lost their minds. A sadistic vampire was hunting Bella and everyone had turned it into a big joke! "What are you going to do in Phoenix?" I rebuked.
If I have time, shop. She thought but pretended that she didn't think that when she looked at me and replied, "Stay indoors."
I threw her a disgruntled look.
With Jasper gone Edward and I can track this James down and kill him! "I kind of like it." Emmett grinned stupidly.
I glared at him. "Shut up, Emmett," I commanded and I meant that for his thoughts too. It didn't stop him.
"Look, if we try to take him down while she's still around, there's a much better chance that someone will get hurt - she'll get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone..." we can hack him up into little pieces and burn him! Emmett finished in his thoughts with another wide grin spreading across his face at the thought.
I saw the bright orange streetlights as they grew brighter and larger as Forks loomed into view. We had finally arrived back in town and I was suddenly anxious that our plan won't work. The streets were empty and it felt like it was an ominous sign. Alice could see the grim expression on my face.
She'll be fine, Edward, I've seen it. Alice thought calmy.
"Bella," I began while Alice and Emmett became alert immediately, gazing raptly out the windows. "If you let anything happen to yourself - anything at all - I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?" I said softly.
I heard her loud gulp. "Yes," she whispered.
I looked at Alice who turned back to me. "Can Jasper handle this?"
He cares for Bella, too. "Give him some credit, Edward. He's been doing very, very well, all things considered."
I raised an eyebrow. "Can you handle this?" I asked.
I have fewer problems handling it then you do. I'd never hurt Bella. How dare you. Alice thought while a growl ripped up her throat and she pulled back her lips to show her gleaming teeth.
Coming from Alice, the very tiny Alice, made me smile despite the events of this evening. "But keep your opinions to yourself," I said harshly, knowing that the knowledge of her visions would be too much for Bella to handle.
You mean the one where I think you should change her into a vampire so she can live with us forever? She thought with great smugness.
I grimaced while pulling into Bella's driveway, looking out at the dark grounds surrounding her house. A lump formed in my throat at the thought of what had to happen next.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:15
21. Goodbye
There is no scent of a vampire anywhere near us, Emmett thought while looking around the darkened grounds.
All clear here, Alice looked through the future. He'll show up, but he won't bother us...he wants her to himself.
Looking out through the window of the Jeep I could see no sign of the tracker. I was secretly hoping that he wouldn't show up. Putting Bella in the line of danger was burning holes through me.
"He's not here," my voice was tense. "Let's go," I firmly commanded.
I gave Emmett a tight nod and he started unbuckling Bella's harness. I could hear her pulse start to race as her breathing became harsh and ragged. Her breath filled my lungs, reminding me forcibly of the precious creature I would be protecting this evening.
She's worried...so human. "Don't worry, Bella," Emmett said in an amused voice, "we'll take care of things here quickly."
Moisture was beginning to build up in Bella's eyes and in that most fleeting of seconds I wanted to take her and run - run thousands of miles - just me and her, together.
That's not an option, Alice's vision swirled in her head before it went up in a wisp of smoke as I realized she was right. We should hurry, her thoughts were strained as the many smoky and shadowy figures shifted and disappeared with each decision that was being made.
"Alice, Emmett," I called.
I hope he's here! This is going to be so much fun! Emmett ran away gleefully.
Don't worry, Edward. We'll keep her safe. Alice slid silently into the trees.
Bella was showing extraordinary strength for someone so human. I swept out of the Jeep and opened the back door to see Bella's face which was still full of sadness and my protective side took a different turn as I took her hand and brought her to my side to comfort and protect her.
As the terror rose in my chest I was beginning to drag my feet reluctantly towards her door, where she would leave me to go inside. I knew the only safe place for her was in my arms. Our footsteps echoed in the silence but I was not oblivious to my surroundings as we walked; my eyes continually darting from every corner of the open space like we were in the middle of a war.
I hear someone approaching, Emmett resisted the temptation to attack but his thoughts were always wildly enthusiastic about the prospect.
"Fifteen minutes," I reminded Bella while stealing a glance to look at her face, an icy surge of terror rising in the pit of my stomach.
Tiny tears began seeping from beneath her eye lids as she looked up into my eyes. "I can do this," she sniffed like she was trying to convince herself more than me.
The lights on the porch were on, making her tears reflect the light as soon as we ascended the last step. She turned around to face me, bringing her warm hands to my face, sending a quivering feeling through my body in the most hostile of times.
"I love you," Bella said intensely. "I will always love you, no matter what happens now."
What did she think was going to happen to her? An odd chill ran up my spine. "Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," I replied fiercely.
"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me. He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later," she looked up at me with her tear stained face.
I could feel my heart sinking as I took in her pitiful expression. Before I could show this emotion on my face I heard the thoughts of my family from the woods, distracting me again.
They're here - only James and Victoria. Alice thought flatly. Laurent went to see Carlisle - or - to warn him.
They are keeping their distance. They caught our scent. Emmett was still hoping for a fight.
Well, well, well... I heard James' thoughts. This is going to be a lot more fun than I realized, a laugh escaped his lips at the prospect of his new hunt.
"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry," I said urgently while leaning over her protectively.
"One more thing," she whispered hastily. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"
Instantly her lips were on mine, sending warmth and pleasant electric shocks through my body. I forgot where I was for a fraction of a second before she pulled away, tears still streaming down her face. Her expression changed to searing anger, she turned on her heal and kicked the front door open.
"Go away, Edward!" her voice was a scream before she slammed the door in my face.
I stood there looking at the door in stunned disbelief; my breath being temporarily robbed. The feelings pulsing through me were oddly disembodying. Shrugging off the sensation as best I could, I continued to look around the cool misty grounds, stealing glances through my siblings' minds along with Charlie's. James continued to keep his distance even though his thoughts were smug and optimistic to the point of foolishness.
What is she doing? Emmett wondered. I underestimated her... hilarious, this should be entertaining!
"Bella?" Charlie called out anxiously at his daughter's angry words.
"Move closer and see if you can get a better look at what's going on," I heard James order Victoria. Better her neck than mine, James thought coldly.
"Leave me alone!" Bella shouted back at Charlie.
Charlie's thoughts were incoherent with panic at his daughter's obvious pain. He began pounding on her door while startling flashes of insight and thought filled my mind.
"The human is fighting with her father," Victoria told James after returning to him.
This I have to see, James thought menacingly.
He's on the move, Alice warned me.
If he gets too close I'll take care of him, Emmett thought pleasantly.
My eyes searched the forest for any sign of the tracker but came up empty. I continued to stand protectively below Bella's window. James moved in to hear the conversations going on inside the house but stayed clear of my vision. My concentration flew up fifteen feet to where Bella was.
"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" Charlie called out, frightened.
"I'm going home," she shouted angrily.
It's almost believable - chuckle - this is getting good, Emmett's amusement was heightened at her acting.
"Did he hurt you?" Charlie asked, disjointed anger rising in his thoughts.
No...he protects her, James thought with great disgust.
At their thoughts I snapped. I flew through the air swiftly entering her bedroom through the window, starting to grab anything and everything from her dresser in a fierce attempt to speed the process.
"No!" Bella shouted back at her dad while she ran around her room, packing her belongings. She hadn't noticed my presence until she turned to her dresser. Her eyes found mine and they were full of sadness and guilt. Before I could pull her into my embrace we were interrupted.
"Did he break up with you?" Charlie asked, perplexed by her sudden angst.
"No!" Bella shrieked at Charlie again while shoving handfuls of clothes into her bag.
Victoria is heading to our house because she knows that we plan to bring Bella there. Alice informed me.
Charlie began beating on Bella's door, panic rushing his mind.
"What happened, Bella?" Charlie shouted through the door.
"I broke up with him!" she shouted back.
She was jerking her hand on the zipper of the bag so I caught her hand gently with mine and zipped it for her. I picked up the bag and gently placed it on her shoulder. "I'll be in the truck - go!" I whispered and lightly pushed her towards her door, trying to press the fact that we needed to get far away from James. I jumped out of the window.
"What happened?" Charlie asked when she opened her door, following her downstairs. "I thought you liked him?"
"I do like him - that's the problem. I can't do this anymore! I can't put down anymore roots here! I don't want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom! I'm not going to make the same dumb mistake she did. I hate it - I can't stay here another minute!" Bella yelled in a desperate attempt to convince Charlie to let her go.
She's good, Emmett thought.
She is setting up an escape...clever, but not clever enough. James thought. Things are about to get real interesting, James sneered in his head.
"Bells, you can't leave now. It's nighttime," Charlie whispered to her with pure sadness in his voice. Charlie's shocked thoughts were over powering as each word lashed at him, causing him pain.
Oh yes she can. Come on little girl, come out to play. James snarled with great smugness.
I resisted the temptation to whip around and attack him.
That is not a good idea, Alice thought in hollow tones. Flashes of the future floated into her mind but disintegrated when I decided not to follow through with my plan.
"I'll sleep in the truck if I get tired," Bella responded to Charlie, her voice emotionless.
"Just wait another week," Charlie begged. "Ren��e will be back by then."
"What?" Bella stuttered.
We need to get her out of there, Alice pushed.
"She called while you were out." Charlie knew he had caught her off guard. "Things aren't going so well in Florida, and if Phil doesn't get signed by the end of the week, they're going back to Arizona. The assistant coach of the Sidewinders said they might have a spot for another shortstop."
Arizona is it? Surely she wouldn't actually go there. Hum... James' thoughts trailed off.
"I have a key," Bella retorted to Charlie's pitiful attempt at keeping her there.
That's right. Just come outside. James was wistful.
If it weren't for our presence James would have already attacked. I was instantly becoming nervous at our plan. Is this plan going to back fire? I wondered gravely. We would shortly be in her very slow truck driving several miles towards my house before she would be in the protective custody of seven vampires.
"Just let me go, Charlie." Bella said softly. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"
This is really going to hurt Charlie, Alice thought sadly.
Bella walked out of the house. "I'll call you tomorrow!" she yelled back to Charlie.
She jumped into her truck and the engine roared to life. She backed out and squealed her tires on the asphalt as she sped away. I was running next to her truck and jumped in. She was trembling and tears were leaking out of her eye lashes in massive amounts.
"Pull over," I said softly.
"I can drive," she barely sputtered a sobbing protest.
Now the fun begins! James thought while running behind us.
I'm right behind you, Edward. Don't worry, he won't try anything, Alice reassured me.
I looked at Bella's face and pain knotted my stomach at the thought of her grief in this moment. I wanted to do something but I couldn't think of how to comfort her. She was barely staying in between the lines on the road, probably because her vision was blinded by more tears. I grabbed her waist and put my foot on the gas pedal, moving her warm body over mine until I was the one driving.
"You wouldn't be able to find the house," I tried to explain to her in a way that wouldn't upset her anymore than she already was.
The lights of the Jeep flashed across the truck and she turned to look out of the window, horror displayed in her eyes.
"It's just Alice," I immediately tried to soothe her by cradling her hand in mine. At my touch she sighed and began to relax, though her face showed a great sadness.
"The tracker?" Bella whispered.
...is running behind us. Emmett's a few steps ahead of him, Alice informed me of the situation outside the truck but I was too intent on continued to leak from her eyes as she looked up at me.
"He heard the end of your performance," I said with the deepest of loathing while remembering his thoughts.
"Charlie?" she looked like she was going to choke from the word.
Alice quickly began scanning for Charlie's future - which was solidly there. His future looks bright, she added.
"The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now." I continued to try and calm her nerves.
"Can we outrun him?" she asked anxious and curious.
In that truck? Funny, Emmett mused.
"No," I pressed the gas pedal down to the floor, emphasizing Emmett's thoughts. The truck groaned, sputtered and continued to move at its regular fifty-five.
Nice try, but that truck isn't going any faster. Emmett thought before jumping in the back, highly amused by the whole situation.
A high pitched scream exited Bella's parted lips and I reached up, clamping my hand across her mouth to quiet her.
"It's Emmett," I explained while removing my hand from her face.
Her face was screwed up in anguish and terror so I wound my arm around her waist and brought her into my side. I felt better immediately at her closeness because this was the safest place for her to be.
"It's okay Bella," I promised, though I wasn't sure if my promise was empty. "You're going to be safe."
Her face still showed a twist of emotions: terror, panic, and sadness. Expelling all thoughts that were around me I concentrated every last particle of my mind on the one person who needed me most - Bella. I needed to distract her and to distract myself. I knew the best way to get her talking was to make an assumption, which she would undoubtedly correct for me - usually with a lengthy explanation.
"I didn't realize you were still so bored with small-town life," I began, looking sideways at her face. "It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well - especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you."
"I wasn't being nice," she thwarted my attempts at a diversion while gazing down. "That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt."
"Don't worry. He'll forgive you," my lips turned up in an attempt to ease her pain.
She returned her gaze to mine and her eyes were still wide with panic.
"Bella, it's going to be all right."
"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," her lips barely let the whisper escape.
"We'll be together again in a few days," I tightened my grip on her, realizing that I didn't ever want her to leave my protective custody. "Don't forget that this was your idea."
"It was the best idea - of course it was mine," she replied smugly and a smile crept up my face at the sign of a new emotion, but it was fleeting at best.
"Why did this happen?" she choked. "Why me?"
I stared out into the darkness realizing that it was my error. You idiot, moron! I knew that there were others in the vicinity and in a moment of happiness I forgot the dangers that could befall a human, especially one that smelled as tempting as she did.
"It's my fault - I was a fool to expose you like that." I replied with rage present in my voice.
"That's not what I meant," she said exasperated. "I was there, big deal. It didn't bother the other two. Why did this James decide to kill me? There're people all over the place, why me?"
In my attempt to block out all thoughts one still protruded into my mind, answering the question for me.
Because you are protected by seven vampires - something I have never come across. This is the best challenge, yet. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this! James thought hungrily for the hunt.
I hesitated before answering Bella's question, trying to word it in a way that wouldn't scare her beyond her current state of terror though the cold fury that was in every line of my face was obvious to her.
"I got a good look at his mind tonight," I began in a low voice. "I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It is partially your fault." I looked at her reflection in the glass. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you...well, that made it a lot worse. He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge - a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's his favorite game, and we've just made it his most exciting game ever," I said in disgust.
I will win, James's thoughts were rapt and exultant.
I hesitated, trying to control the sensation that was building in my chest to pull over and attack. I controlled my urge and continued. "But if I had stood by, he would have killed you right then," I said, frustrated.
"I thought...I didn't smell the same to the others...as I do to you," she said hesitantly.
"You don't. But that doesn't mean that you aren't still a temptation to every one of them. If you had appealed to the tracker - or any of them - the same way you appeal to me, it would have meant a fight right there."
I felt her quiver.
"I don't think I have any choice but to kill him now," I muttered. "Carlisle won't like it."
"How can you kill a vampire?" she asked through her petrified sobs.
Glad I'm not the one to tell her this one, Emmett chuckled and I ignored him.
My focus was solely on Bella. Her gaze met mine and I could see the darkness of my face and eyes as I spoke. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."
"And the other two will fight with him?"
Always so full of questions, isn't she? Alice mused.
"The woman will. I'm not sure about Laurent. They don't have a very strong bond - he's only with them for convenience. He was embarrassed by James in the meadow..."
"But James and the woman - they'll try to kill you?" she choked.
You silly girl! You are the fragile one, the breakable one - the one that is being hunted, I internally replied. "Bella, don't you dare waste time worrying about me. Your only concern is keeping yourself safe and - please, please - trying not to be reckless." I pleaded.
"Is he still following?" she asked.
Yes, he's keeping his distance; he's pretty keen not to be seen. He won't come after Bella tonight, Alice informed me.
"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight." I replied while turning onto my driveway.
After the several mile drive to the house we could finally see the distant lights of the house becoming larger and clearer. I could immediately hear the thoughts of Laurent.
I can't believe they live like this - Amazing! I can't understand why they are planning on ruining all of this for a human. Laurent thought in astonishment.
He's at the forest edge, I'll grab Bella. Emmett thought while jumping out of the truck and running alongside it. When we were coming to a stop he opened the door and pulled Bella under his coat and ran her towards the house and through the front door, Alice and I at their side. Relief flowed through my veins now that she was inside, protected. Everyone stood at our arrival.
I can't believe this crap, Rosalie was muttering.
Oh thank heavens they are all right, Esme and Carlisle both thought, relieved.
Laurent stood in the mist of my family members, his eyes a gleaming ominous red, making the difference between us and them stand out.
What the hell is he doing in our house? I might get that fight after all, a feral snarl ripped up Emmett's throat, low and vibrating. He sat Bella down next to him, preparing to pounce.
"He's tracking us," I stared coldly at Laurent.
"I was afraid of that," Laurent frowned.
I could hear James as he began thinking strategy in his mind, he was going to meet up with Victoria who was already waiting for him a short distance from the house.
"What will he do?" Carlisle asked Laurent in chilling tones.
"I'm sorry," Laurent began. "I was afraid, when your boy there defended her, that it would set him off."
Same old games, Laurent thought angrily in his head.
"Can you stop him?" Carlisle questioned.
I'll stop him, Emmett roared internally.
"Nothing stops James when he gets started." Laurent answered while shaking his head in frustration.
"We'll stop him," Emmett promised him.
"You can't bring him down. I've never seen anything like him in my three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven." Laurent said doubtfully. His head began to shake back and forth again, this time in confusion. Why her? What is so special about this human girl that would make them want to provoke such a vicious hunter? He stole a look at Bella, and then turned back to Carlisle, perplexed by the situation. "Are you sure it's worth it?"
A growl formed in my stomach and ripped up my throat so loudly that it had him cringing away from me in fear.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice." Carlisle said gravely.
This is one hell of a life style to live in. But James - I could never defeat James. They mentioned something about a settlement in Denali. "I'm intrigued by the life you've created here. But I won't get in the middle of this. I bear none of you any enmity, but I won't go up against James. I think I will head north - to that clan in Denali," should I warn them? Oh, why not! "Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled senses. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on...I'm sorry for what's been unleashed here. Truly sorry."
"Go in peace," Carlisle said quietly.
Hum, I hope it is like this in Denali, Laurent wondered, looking around before sweeping out of the house, his thoughts fading with distance.
Carlisle turned to meet my gaze. "How close?"
I'm going to seal off all entrances to the house, Esme thought while walking over to the wall, pressing a key pad - making large metal walls creek and groan as they sealed up the glass wall.
"About three miles out past the river; he's circling around to meet up with the female." I explained.
Just drop her off at the river's bank and get this over with, Rosalie sneered in her head. I ignored her thoughts.
"What's the plan?" Carlisle asked.
"We'll lead him off, and then Jasper and Alice will run her south." I explained to him in a hurry.
South? Interesting choice. "And then?" Carlisle asked.
"As soon as Bella is clear, we hunt him." I replied darkly.
Well, we know we won't let them hurt Bella. "I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed but his lips were turned down into a frown.
I turned to Rosalie. She needed to learn that Bella is now a part of our family. "Get her upstairs and trade clothes," I commanded.
Her thoughts sputtered incoherently for several seconds before anger surged through her mouth. "Why should I?" she said vehemently. "What is she to me? Except a menace - a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."
"Rose...," Emmett put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.
Please ignore her, she'll come around one of these days, please, Emmett begged for Rosalie.
With everything that Emmett has been doing for me lately I decided that I would do something for him. I ignored Rosalie's jibe and changed tack in the speed of light.
I'll do it, Edward. Esme suggested.
I turned to her, "Esme?"
"Of course," she responded immediately. Esme flew to Bella's side and without flinching brought her into her grasp and raced upstairs.
Once Bella was upstairs everyone was in a hurry, running around packing their belongings or preparing for their independent trips. I continued to ignore Rosalie's thoughts as they grew meaner and more visual.
"Rosalie, you will take Bella's truck. Esme will go with you," I commanded.
"You want me to ride in that...that...thing?" she barked.
"Please, Rose. Do it for me," Emmett asked softly.
"I won't!" she hissed loudly.
"Rosalie, Bella is part of this family and you will treat her with respect, do you understand me?" Carlisle's voice became firm.
"Fine," Rose snapped at us and then stalked away. I could feel the angry satisfaction on my face.
I'm coming with you to hunt James. Maybe we can talk him out of this nonsense and can spare his life, Carlisle thought wishfully.
Esme and Bella appeared down the stairs only a few minutes after they went up, both of them changed. It was an odd sensation to smell Bella all over Esme but we were in a hurry so I informed Bella of our plan. "Esme and Rosalie will be taking your truck, Bella," I said while passing her to grab a cell phone that Carlisle was giving to each family member.
"Alice, Jasper - take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south."
We'll keep her safe, Edward...promise. I'll miss you. Alice thought while Jasper silently nodded in approval of the plan.
"We're taking the Jeep," I told Bella.
"Alice," Carlisle asked, "will they take the bait?"
Alice closed her eyes while swirls of colors flashed and danced around until she solidly saw their path. "He'll track you. The woman will follow the truck. We should be able to leave after that."
"Let's go." I'll give you a minute, Carlisle thought but there was still a bite of impatience in his thoughts - we had to hurry.
I rushed over to Bella, not even hesitating while I brought her into my tight embrace, letting her body warm every inch of mine. The monster, desire, was still positively, solidly there. I placed my hand under her chin, bringing her lips to mine. Euphoria splashed through my hectic nerves - calming them, though the electricity reminded me that I was doing this for her, that I would die for her - to protect her. In seconds the kiss was over and I could feel the slight tearing of my body as I placed her back on the ground. I kept her face in my hands, communicating silently the love I had for her as tears strolled down her pink cheeks, her face eloquent with despair. It was time to go, so I wretched myself away from her and then I was gone, a chill filling my stomach.
I ran to the jeep, hoping into the passenger's side. Carlisle was driving and Emmett was in the back, we took off, driving north. James caught my scent easily and began chasing after us in the Jeep. I picked up the phone to call Esme. It only rang once, "Go now," I ordered.
I could still here the thoughts of Victoria as we speed away. Rosalie and Esme fired up Bella's truck and drove east. Victoria caught the smell of Bella and took off after her truck. I called Alice, even though I was positive she already knew. She answered her phone before it even rang, "Victoria is on their trail," I informed her. "It's time."
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:17
22. The Hunt
We were weaving in and out of traffic as James followed us. We were driving north towards Vancouver. Each second that I spent away from Bella I could feel my body's fresh tear ache. Half of me was with her, without her I could never be whole. We drove until we were only thirty miles away from Vancouver before I heard a distant ringing. It was just a faint echoing sound.
It's about time, she better have good news for me about the human.
About the human? It was definitely James' thoughts I heard as he continued to stay out of our vision, keen to not be spotted.
"Carlisle, slow down," I ordered while looking wildly around.
Carlisle released his foot from the gas and the Jeep slowly drifted down to sixty as he looked sideways at me. "What is it?" Carlisle asked, anxious.
"James has just received a phone call," I explained.
"Where did they take her?" James was wildly enthusiastic at the prospect of finding her when I was nowhere near her. I was too far away from him to hear the other end of the conversation so I settled with listening through James' mind.
"I don't know. They mixed the smell up and she was not in the truck. It was two female vampires and they drove west until we were several miles away from Forks. She must still be there. They tricked us," I heard Victoria say.
Idiotic woman! James roared in his head. "Find her!" he commanded and hung up the phone.
James ran the opposite direction of the road, flying feverously away from the Jeep until I couldn't hear his thoughts anymore.
"Stop!" I yelled.
Carlisle slammed on the brakes as the Jeep slid to a halt on the side of the highway.
"What is it?" Emmett and Carlisle asked at the same time.
"He knows that Bella isn't in the truck. He has a cell phone. He's sent Victoria back to Forks because he believes she is still there."
I didn't expect the nomad to have something as technologically advanced as a cell phone considering how they live. But I remembered something that Laurent had said, "He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on..."
Emmett and Carlisle both understood instantly that Victoria had realized Bella was not in the truck.
"I'll call Esme," Carlisle said while picking up his cell phone and dialing her number quickly. I heard Esme's voice on the other line. "Carlisle," she began but he cut her off to explain what happened.
"She knows that Bella isn't with you and suspects that she is still in Forks. Go back and watch Charlie, make sure he's safe. Send Rosalie to find Victoria and follow her. We need to make sure that she isn't able to track Bella. We'll chase after James," Carlisle's lips were blurred at the fast motion of his speech.
"I'll tell her. Carlisle, I love you, be careful," Esme said affectionately.
"I love you, too and I will." Carlisle hung up the phone.
Let me go after him, please Edward. Emmett was begging in his mind. I turned around to face him.
"We'll both go." I turned to Carlisle. "Continue north until you reach the airport. Keep an eye out for him there - if we lose track of him I want to make sure we know where he is headed. We will keep you up to date."
He nodded. Emmett and I dashed from the Jeep and headed towards the forest where I last heard James' thoughts. When we caught up with his scent I could hear his faint hasty footsteps but he was too far away for me to hear his mind. The sun was peeking through the canopy of trees as the night sky began to slowly lighten the forest floor, bathing it in a pleasant golden glow.
Can you hear his thoughts? What are his plans? Emmett asked.
"No. He is too far away from us." I spoke quickly.
Go ahead of me and see what you can find out. Hey - don't get too close without me, Emmett chuckled. I want a piece of him too.
I rolled my eyes and darted faster than ever towards the one creature who threatened Bella's life more than I already had. I had trouble catching up to him but I was able to finally hear one thought.
She's still in Forks.
I slowed some to let Emmett catch up with me. "I think he's going to head back to Forks...but I don't understand - he isn't running that direction. He keeps running north and not in a straight path. I think he's trying to get us off his trail." I explained to Emmett.
Maybe we could split up and try to trap him, he suggested.
"That might be what he wants. Let's just keep together for now."
You're just afraid I'll catch up to him before you and will miss the opportunity to kill him, Emmett was plainly trying not to laugh.
I sighed loudly at his thoughts, though he was partially correct - I did want to personally rip him to shreds. I could see the dim city lights of Vancouver begin to get closer to us. As the sun rose the windows on the large buildings began to shimmer and reflect onto the large city. I hadn't heard any thoughts or any noise from James for several miles. I only continued to follow his scent.
When we reached the forest edge we stood in the shadows looking out at the partially sunny grounds. Emmett's eyes glowed a honey color in the dazzling sunlight.
It's too sunny. Emmett looked up like he was willing the clouds to form. As soon as he thought the words a long cloud loomed into view, moving closer to the sun until a shadow hung over us and the city below turned grey and dark. "Let's go," I commanded with a bite of impatience in my voice.
We continued to follow his scent as we made our way across town until it ended abruptly at a car rental store. "Crap," we both said together. I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Carlisle's number.
"Edward," he answered.
"Carlisle, James has rented a car and I need to get something out of my bag to try and find out where he went. We are at sixteen ninety-six west, first Avenue. Hurry!" I said quickly.
"I'm on my way," he hung up the phone.
In a few short minutes Carlisle was speeding around the corner and came to a shuddering halt in front of us. I opened the back door and pulled my bag out, opening it to reveal my many ID's. Inside I had a Royal Canadian Mounted Police badge that our family previously used to protect ourselves. I snatched it up and swept over the threshold of the car rental store. The girl behind the desk was startled at my appearance.
"Can I help you?" she stuttered while scrutinizing my face.
I flashed my badge. "Yes. I'm with the RCMP. Ma'am, there was a man in here today that is ye tall," I put my hand to James' height, "and has long light brown hair. He would have rented a car from you today. I need to know the make and model and where he was headed. He is a murderer and we have only recently caught on to his trail."
A murderer! "Yes, sure...there was only one man in here this morning to rent a car. Let me print out the information." She began typing on the keyboard and clicking her mouse.
I could have been killed, she thought frantically as she searched for the information I requested. Her mind began to panic as she read the information on the screen. She looked away before I was able to read it. She turned her face to mine, her eyes wide with terror.
"Um..." she hesitated nervously. "The car has already been returned to another branch."
"Where?" I asked with an inarticulate yell of rage.
"The airport," she said in a high pitched whisper.
Panic erupted through my stomach as I realized I had no idea where he was going. My only conclusion is that he was going back to Forks, but I wasn't positive. I clenched my fists and ran out towards the Jeep and without saying a word Carlisle he was speeding quickly south towards Washington.
"We need to know if he shows up in Forks," I said hastily.
Carlisle was dialing Esme's number before I was able to speak anymore. I heard Esme answer the phone. "Hello."
"Esme, what has Victoria been doing?" Carlisle asked politely yet hurriedly.
"Rosalie followed her to Charlie's house. Don't worry, he wasn't home. I am not sure what she was looking for there...maybe to find a lead on where Bella might be. Rosalie said that she has been following Bella's scent all through town and even stopped by the school before anyone was there." Esme spoke quickly.
"James' got away from us. We think that he got on a plane to go back to Forks. Please be careful. We'll be there shortly." Carlisle said gravely.
I heard Esme gasp over the phone. "Victoria also went to the airport," she whispered.
Carlisle pressed the accelerator down harder and the Jeep groaned as we were hitting one forty. "Be careful. We're on our way back." Panic was present in Carlisle's thoughts. Please let us get back there before he does, he thought. They said their goodbyes.
As soon as Carlisle hung up the phone he was instantly dialing another number - Alice.
"Carlisle," Alice trilled.
"Are you in Phoenix and is Bella safe?" asked Carlisle.
"Yes," replied Alice.
"We lost track of James. We believe he is headed towards Forks. Victoria has been searching for leads and clues hoping to find a way to Bella." Carlisle spoke calmly.
"I just saw him in a room. It's long, and there are mirrors everywhere. The floor is wooden. There is a gold stripe across the mirrors. It's still very cloudy - he hasn't made a decision yet. He'll be in this room today or maybe tomorrow. I've also seen him watching something from a VCR in another place but it is too dark to see. He brings the video he watched back to the room with the mirrors but he doesn't watch it like he does in the dark room. The room with the mirrors is the room where he waits. Whatever made him get on that plane...it was leading him to those rooms," Alice explained to Carlisle.
"Let me speak to Bella," I held my hand out for the phone.
"Is Bella awake? Edward would like to speak to her," Carlisle asked.
"Yes," Alice said while Carlisle handed the phone to me.
"Hello?" My heart rejoiced at hearing her voice.
"Bella," I said devotedly.
"Oh, Edward! I was so worried," she squeaked.
Why was she worried about me? She should be worried about herself. "Bella," I sighed in frustration. "I told you not to worry about anything but yourself."
"Where are you?" She demanded.
"We're outside of Vancouver. Bella, I'm sorry - we lost him. He seems suspicious of us - he's careful to stay just far enough away that I can't hear what he's thinking. But he's gone now - it looks like he got on a plane. We think he's heading back to Forks to start over." I felt like a fool for falling for his car rental trick.
"I know. Alice saw that he got away."
"You don't have to worry, though. He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again," my voice hinted at my disapproval for her doing anything else.
"I'll be fine. Is Esme with Charlie?" she asked, concerned. She was always so selfless, worried about everyone else but herself.
I tried to calm her frenzied nerves. "Yes - the female has been in town. She went to the house, but while Charlie was at work. She hasn't gone near him so don't be afraid. He's safe with Esme and Rosalie watching."
"What is she doing?" she whispered.
"Probably trying to pick up the trail. She's been all through the town during the night. Rosalie traced her through the airport, all the roads around town, the school...she's digging, Bella, but there's nothing to find." I hope, I added internally.
"And you're sure Charlie's safe?" I suppressed a sigh to her ever selflessness.
"Yes, Esme won't let him out of her sight. And we'll be there soon. If the tracker gets anywhere near Forks, we'll have him." And I pictured tearing him to shreds and burning him, hoping that this beating would come sooner than later so I could have Bella in my arms again.
"I miss you," she barely whispered. My heart ached every second we were apart from each other. My body still felt torn in two.
"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you."
"Come and get it, then," she coaxed me. It was very tempting, but I had to take care of James first.
"Soon, as soon as I possibly can. I will make you safe first." I said fiercely.
"I love you," she croaked. I had continually put her life in danger since the moment I met her and she still loved me. Despite the situation we were currently in my heart leapt at her words.
"Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"
"Yes, I can, actually," she said matter-of-factly.
"I'll come for you soon," I promised.
"I'll be waiting."
I hung the phone up. The day slipped away and extinguished its self as we drove quickly through the dark and winding road towards Forks. My mind was constantly thinking of the many ways I would torture and kill James. Emmett's line of thought was not far from my own, but he really just wanted a fight. He did want to protect Bella, but he was getting enjoyment out of this and I was not. When we finally arrived back in Washington we were greeted by Rosalie, who was still screaming nasty retorts in her mind at me.
"I've followed Victoria everywhere but she hasn't returned to the airport and James has still not shown up. I've waited at the airport since Esme called me." Rosalie spoke to Carlisle only.
"Where is Victoria now?" asked Carlisle.
"She has disappeared. I have no idea where she went. The rain has washed any lingering scent and between Esme and me we couldn't keep an eye on her, Charlie and the airport," Rosalie explained.
Carlisle placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, you did an excellent job."
We continued to search throughout the day for Victoria and James but neither of them were around. We couldn't find any traces of their scent anymore. Rosalie kept guard at the airport. As each hour passed with no luck of finding either of them I felt a weight in my chest drop sickeningly down into my stomach. I felt like there was something wrong, like I was missing something crucial.
Night came and we still had absolutely no luck in finding the two. It was about two in the morning when all of a sudden I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out of my pocket to read Alice's name on the caller ID. I felt my heart sink. When I opened it to answer Alice spoke so swiftly I didn't even have the chance to speak.
"Edward, James is in Phoenix. I saw it in a vision; you need to get here now! He has been to her mother's house and at her old ballet studio." Alice was uneasy.
Carlisle and Emmett were with me and they both nodded their heads to me. We'll go with you, they both thought together, Emmett more eager than Carlisle.
"We'll take the first flight out of Seattle. It leaves at five thirty, and then Carlisle, Emmett and myself are going to take Bella somewhere and hide her. We'll meet you at the airport," I rushed through my words while running towards the Jeep to get our bags and then towards Seattle with Emmett and Carlisle behind me.
I hung up the phone and in a short time we were outside of Seattle. The lights from the town became brighter the closer we raced towards the airport.
Are you okay? Carlisle thought as we were running.
"Not really," I whispered.
Don't worry, son. We'll get there and take her away some place safe. Carlisle reassured me.
We arrived outside the airport and queued in line. Each second passed slowly as people weighed their bags and showed their ID's. Carlisle finally reached the desk. "Hello, we need three tickets to Phoenix, please," he said politely to the man behind the counter.
"We only have first class left," the man informed us.
"That's fine. Three first class tickets then," Carlisle smiled to the man behind the counter and his heart raced along with his mind.
There is something weird about these guys, especially the big one...creepy, he thought. He handed the tickets over the counter once we showed proper ID.
We flew through the airport until we arrived at the gate. The waiting game we played tore at my nerves. Each second that Bella was in danger made my insides feel like they were being put through a grinder. Each thought of her being hurt ripped through my heart leaving big gaping holes.
When we entered the plane we sat quickly in the front. As the passengers waited in a long line for others to put their luggage away, I was having to concentrate every particle of my mind not to snap their necks, take over the plane and fly it to Phoenix myself. I could feel the pulses of those closest to me and a woman flinched away when she accidently touched my cold skin. Carlisle had placed his hand on my shoulder, guessing what I was planning in my mind.
Take it easy, Edward. I'm sure she will be fine. We'll get there and take her away, Carlisle tried to calm my nerves again.
When the plane finally speed down the tarmac I laid my head back trying to think of anything else besides the danger I had brought upon Bella. The plane ascended quickly into the early morning sky.
I started imagining the many places we could go. Isle Esme, perhaps? Or maybe Europe. I contemplated. I began thinking about us being alone together. Bella was in immediate danger but all I could think about is how wonderful it would be to hold her every day and every night and never have to worry about bringing her back. I would let her warm me every chance she got. My fantasies spun wildly out of control, but it was the only way I could keep my mind from racing the other way, towards Bella's possible death.
Carlisle was reading a book about modern medicine while Emmett put ear phones in to watch a movie. I looked to see what the movie was because Emmett was contemplating all the moves he would have been making in each fight sequence. Fight Club, of course, I suppressed laughter at his many thoughts. I dove deeper into Emmett's mind, watching him mentally kick Brad Pitt's ass. It was quite entertaining. When the movie ended I started searching through Carlisle's mind to see if he had found anything interesting to read. He was reading about a new technology to remove different kinds of brain cancer that are almost impossible to get to without damaging the patient.
"We are about to land in Phoenix Arizona where the time is nine twenty-seven. Looks like we are going to be arriving on a beautiful sunny day, where the temperature is eighty eight degrees," the stewardess announced over the intercom.
The plane began descending towards Phoenix. All I could think about was running across the airport and embracing Bella. The thought of her blushing face as I brought her lips to mine in greeting sent me above the edge, I was holding myself to the seat trying not to leapt up and break through the plane.
Uh, Edward...you're about to break the seat's arm rests. Emmett smirked in my direction.
I looked down and realized that I had left large hand imprints on the seats. I folded my arms across my chest. I felt a jolt as the plane landed onto the concrete air strip. I started to feel a sign of relief when I heard Alice's thoughts.
Looks like his plane just landed. I hope Jasper brings Bella back from getting breakfast soon.
Jasper is alone with Bella? I was instantly nervous. Why would she let him take her somewhere with no supervision? The plane moved slowly down the tarmac until we reached our gate. The slowness of the air crew had me day dreaming of just bursting through the side of the airplane to get to her. The door was finally opened and they let first class off the plane.
We were the first ones to the exit but then we had to deal with the crowd outside the airplane. I began edging through the crowd at the slowest human pace I could imagine. Each second of knowing how close I was but still not there sent anger surging through my veins at the slow human sloths. As we moved closer to the baggage claim I began staring over the heads of the crowd, looking for any sign of Bella. Out of nowhere Alice was standing stock still in front of me with a piece of paper in her hand. Her eyes were wide with horror.
"What is that?" I gasped.
She was hiding something from me as she began thinking of different fashion designers from around the world.
"It's from Bella," Alice cried.
"Where is she?" I began looking around the crowd, hoping beyond hope that she was not in some sort of danger. Alice's hand held out the piece of parchment. I snatched it out of her hand and quickly read over it.
Edward,
I love you. I am so sorry. He has my mom and I have to try. I know it may not work. I am so very, very sorry. Don't be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be a miracle. Tell them thank you for me. Alice especially, please. And please, please don't come after him. That's what he wants, I think. I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you. Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me.
I love you. Forgive me.
Bella.
"Wasn't she in the airport with you?" I shouted.
Alice cringed from my words but her face showed great sadness. "Yes," she whispered.
"Where's Jasper?" my eyes narrowed and I began to see through a red tint.
Suddenly Alice showed me two terrifying visions she had since I left Seattle. I dove into her mind as the future continually shifted. The first was a vision of Bella lying on the ground in the ballet studio, I assumed, beaten and dead with James standing over her - blood dripping from the corners of his mouth. I felt like I could barely stand. My life was - over, gone. She showed me the second vision. Bella telling Jasper she has to go to the bathroom and her running straight through to another exit, fleeing the airport - alone.
Unconsciously I was running towards the bathroom in Alice's vision. Jasper appeared in my vision and I heard his thoughts. She sure is taking a long time to go to the bathroom. I guess I'm not sure how long it takes for someone to go to the bathroom.
I rushed past him and into the ladies bathroom. Loud screams erupted as I started opening stall after stall looking for Bella. I could barely smell her presence in the bathroom. The rest of my family flew in behind me.
I rounded on Jasper. "Why didn't you watch after her?" I cried out.
My stomach started plummeting horribly as each second passed. "She asked to go to the bathroom. I didn't know she would...run away," Jasper looked shocked and ashamed.
I didn't have any time to waste; I had to find Bella before she walked into James' lethal hands. I took in a deep breath trying to locate her scent. When I found it I flew out of the bathroom using the other exit and ran towards an elevator. I pressed the button several times impatiently. The elevator was too slow so I rushed down the stairs, opening the door to each floor to take a whiff of the air, looking for Bella. I finally opened the door to the most delicious fragrance, like she was standing in front of me. It must not have been long ago that she was there. I continued to take in deep breaths of the glorious fragrance until I was running outside where her scent no longer lingered at the end of the side walk. I looked up and the warm sun was shining brightly in the sky. I looked down at the edge of the shadow I stood on - where Bella last stood. I fell to my knees as I realized I couldn't follow. Pain began searing through my veins as I realized I was too late to save her. A scream of agony almost escaped my lips as my body ripped into two. There was no way to find her and I realized that my other half, Bella, would forever be gone.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:19
23. Race
As I was kneeling down on the ground I felt sturdy hands bring me to my feet and the thoughts that accompanied them. Alice.
Edward, she's not dead. We have to hurry. I know where she's going!
I sprung to my feet and flew towards the parking structure, which luckily had a covered pathway. She didn't need to think or say any other words to get me to my feet and bring me from the almost catatonic state I was slipping to. Alice was running next to me while Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper were trailing behind. I whipped in and out of the many rows of cars looking for a vehicle that would be fast enough to save the precious life that had consumed me and filled me with a warmth I would never get back if she - gulp - were dead. All the while Alice was shouting orders and directions to all of us.
"Fifty-Eighth Street and Cactus," she was running next to Jasper now. "The Ballet Studio."
Several images floated across her mind to direct me where to go. I winced as the images also showed the death or newly created vampire life that was now Bella's future. A mixture of emotions poured into my mind. Pain. Grief. Agony. Relief? Would I feel relieved if she became a vampire?
"Carlisle, go with Edward," Alice continued to bark orders. "Jasper, Emmett - you're with me."
I could see the inner workings of their minds as they mentally brought maps of the Phoenix area to the forefront trying to map the best possible routes to get to Bella.
I can't wait to get a piece of him. Emmett raced through the cars excitedly.
Another feeling - anger - was pulsing through my body in rapid fluid movements down my veins.
Emotions were filling me as I continued to witness and hear my families reactions to the human girl they once tried to condemn to death. I listened mostly to Jaspers rampant thoughts.
Take a left...wait, no, go straight. He was mentally mapping the area. I have to get to her in time... Edward. He winced at the feelings he could feel emitting off of my body. All the different emotions were heightened as each situation ran through my mind.
Alice. Jasper put a little more force behind each step he took. And Bella... He didn't understand his affection for her, but it was strongly there.
A shiny black car caught my eye as I dashed around a corner. I saw the little letters on the bumper that instantly pulled me to it - SLK55 AMG. Mercedes. I didn't know who I was sending my thanks to, but I said it anyways. "Thank you," I mumbled.
Excellent, Alice had found an almost equally fast vehicle, a STSV Cadillac.
I gripped the door of the Mercedes hard enough that it easily opened, breaking the handle in the process. Alarms went off.
"Open the hood," Carlisle shouted.
I pressed the button for the hood and it flew up. The alarms stopped instantly. "Okay. Let's go." Carlisle yelled while slamming the hood shut. He ran back to the passenger's side door pulling it open and slumping to his seat, slamming the door.
Go.
He didn't need to tell me, I had already put the car in reverse and was flying out of the parking spot - Alice whizzing around the corner behind me. I put the car in first gear, and moved my feet so fast between letting off the clutch and pressing the accelerator that the car darted forward, squealed tires and flew out of the parking garage with an angry attendant screaming at us.
Carlisle was mentally listing all the possible supplies we might need once we arrived at the studio.
"What did Alice see again?"
"A lot of blood," something was obstructing my throat.
"Anything else?"
"Nothing obvious, it was blurry." Bella possibly becoming a vampire, I added mentally.
I shifted into second gear as we turned a corner, the RPM running close to red as I speed towards the I-ten. I pressed the accelerator down harder as I switched into third gear. The engine roared in approval at my speed. It was only point eight miles to the exit I needed to take.
Exit 147. Jasper thought mentally.
Alice was keeping up with me, practically trying to race me down the interstate - we were in a race, a race to get to Bella. I flew past several cars as horns blared and hand gestures came flying out of windows. We both weaved in and out of traffic as I listened to Alice's thoughts to see which moves she would make next, making our driving seem synchronized.
A semi truck made it impossible to pass so Alice and I both moved into the emergency lane. I was finally hitting fifth gear as our exit loomed into view. I pushed the car faster as we turned off the exit.
Highway fifty-one, Emmett acknowledged.
I saw the mental map in his mind as I realized it would be a grueling thirteen point nine miles until we would reach our next turn. There were seven cars waiting at the red light right off the interstate.
We can make it without any accidents if we time this right. Alice pictured our best move through traffic and running the red light ahead of us. We both separated, moving together but separately as we flew through gravel and side shoulders to pass the many waiting cars. At the exact same time we flew through the red light, both of our back ends sliding out sideways. I put my car into first gear and threw my foot down on the accelerator. Tires squealed and smoke billowed out behind me as the car lurched forward.
Again, Alice and I drove in an intricate pattern in and out of traffic as she predicted the traffic light outcomes and our best possible routes.
Three minutes had passed since I stood at the end of the sidewalk, at the end of dark and light. If Bella had been turned into a vampire...I trailed off in thought as many mixed emotions swam around in my brain. I hit second gear and the car flew forcefully forward as I pressed the gas down.
Anxiety was ripping through me at the thought of Bella no longer living. Alice's vision was brought to the forefront of my mind as I began to think contingency plans. During Alice's insight I saw Bella's limp, dead and broken body strewn across the studio floor, blood covering every last inch of her. Alice saw me running into the room and bringing Bella to my chest, refusing to let go as I continued to try and listen for her beating heart that was no longer moving the precious blood that smelt so delicious.
Imagining my life without Bella was excruciating and I knew that if I were too late, I too would die. But how would I? Jasper wouldn't help, and neither would Emmett. I knew Carlisle would refuse to end my life and Esme would back him up. Even Rosalie would not take my life, even if I begged and graveled.
I shifted into third gear as we flew down the highway.
Cop ahead, slow down. Alice warned me, but I refused to let up on the accelerator. I pressed the pedal down harder as the car's RPM reached Eight thousand. I shifted into fourth gear and the car jerked forward.
I didn't bother to see what the outcome would be when I flew past the parked cop. He turned his lights on and began speeding down the road after me. What he didn't know was that I could read his mind. I knew exactly what his plans were and Alice could see the future outcomes of them and I would ultimately get away. The cop's sirens blared behind me as he called for backup. I put the car into third gear, advancing the Mercedes. Alice was now behind the cop, trying to distract him with her reckless driving.
The cops mind became incoherent with panic as Alice tried to run him off the road. When we finally had the cop between the two of us, he began to mutter under his breath little prayers to his god. Ahead was a car, and we were going to pass it, the cop was going to have to stop or wreck. As with most humans, their first reaction is to protect self. The cop slammed on his brakes while cussing loudly.
I put the car back into fourth gear as it advanced down highway fifty-one. We swerved in and out of more cars as traffic began building up as the morning hours ticked on. My skin began to glitter fantastically out the window as many pedestrians began to gawk at me as I drove by. I slammed the clutch in and threw the car into fifth gear. Another lurch forward and the car went flying past several vehicles and buildings, making them almost blurry.
The quicker my speed became the more Alice's vision began to change, but it was still too cloudy to depict the outcome. I blocked out her visions because I was afraid they would bring me into a false sense of security. I saw East Lincoln Drive and knew that we were bang on course. I stomped the clutch down again as I brought the car into sixth gear. I was now flying through cars along with Alice going one twenty five. Each second that passed me felt like an eternity.
Come on Alice, press the damn gas down, Jasper roared in his head.
I didn't understand his thoughts. He had no connection to Bella, no link of any kind. If she were to perish, he would survive, but he continued to press the imaginary gas pedal from the passenger's side.
Traffic was backing up down several blocks now and I had to find a way around them all. I mentally began mapping other roads in my mind.
They will all be blocked. Alice informed me.
With each new plan and thought I was thwarted by more traffic, more people and vehicles all pilling up on top of each other while Bella was nearing death. Cold fury swept through me as I yanked the car to a hard right and was now driving along the wide sidewalk next to several businesses. People were diving into the street and backing up against buildings as I speed past, Alice closely behind me. The chill that was in my stomach seemed to surge icy cold as my fear and panic rose with each second.
During our drive Carlisle sat calmly in the passenger seat as we exposed ourselves and attracted unwanted attention. I hadn't been paying attention to his thoughts but finally noticed the calm composure that he had.
"Why are you so calm?" I yelled.
I want to save her life as much as you. We need to hurry - and if we have to make the papers, then so be it. Carlisle shot me a smile.
His face was sparkling spectacularly, sending rainbows and waves of color out of the vehicle as we finally hopped off the sidewalk. I shifted down into third gear as I slowed behind some more cars. As soon as the way was clear I slammed the accelerator down, speeding down the road once more, pushing the clutch in to change into fourth.
I brought the mental map back to the forefront of my mind as I tabulated how much longer it would be before we would be turning onto Cactus. I saw the street sign a quarter of a mile away and the car automatically went forcefully forward to punctuate my need. At long last I was going to be close enough to Bella that I would be able to hear her heart beat.
As we approached the turn I refused to slow down. I stomped on the brake as it came upon us and sent the car sliding sideways until I was turned ninety degrees from where I was before, speeding hastily down Cactus. My stomach was screwed tight with pain when I heard the fluttering noise of an angel. Bella's heart was not thrumming at its normal pulse; it was quickened, yet pumping sluggishly at the same time. My heart lifted in spite of myself as I realized she was still alive. Relief so exquisite that it was nearly pain entered my body, but was suddenly replaced by anger.
I made my way quickly down the road as we passed malls and parks where people were happily oblivious to the danger just blocks away. I saw Carlisle give an appreciative nod as I flipped the car into third gear, watching the RPM meter fly up until I grabbed the shifter and slammed it into fourth gear. I saw Carlisle grab the handles inside the car ready to eject himself out into the street to get to Bella.
An upsurge of noise erupted in my mind as I heard Bella's cries of agony and scream ripping through the morning air. I could hear the mental pleasure in James' thoughts as he threw her body across the room. I turned a tortured face to Carlisle as he added to his mental list of possible supplies he would need once we arrived to the studio.
A red haze clouded my visions as we drove closer - we were now only a block away. The vision in Alice's mind was solidifying and what I saw ripped my heart in two. Bella - a vampire. The monster, my monster, which had been so eager to escape, was now being liberated. Brutal violence ripped through my body and out through my fingertips as I gripped the steering wheel tighter. I could hear James' delicately inflected voice "That's a very nice effect."
Carlisle was stealing glances in my direction as we finally reached Fifty-Eighth Street. I barely slowed down as I drove the vehicle so close to the entrance it was only inches away from touching the glass doors. I could hear Bella's pulse reaching danger point as I practically pulled the car door off its hinges trying to get to her. I didn't bother opening the studio doors as I left Edward shaped holes in the glass.
The second I entered the building the most delicious smell filled my lungs and I paused for only a brief fraction of a second to take in the aroma before my eyes fell immediately upon the monster hovering over Bella. It was a scene of total devastation - glass was strewn across the floor and blood glittered in the sunlight coming from the windows. My eyes were solely focused on Bella, though. Her limp body lay unmoving and broken - bleeding. My worst fears had come to life. My view was suddenly obliterated by anger as I dived into James, sending him flying across the studio. He began snapping at me but I held him up around the throat, tightening my grip.
Behind me I heard Bella gasping and groaning in agony. James struggled in my grip as Jasper flew up behind me, grabbing James' arm and ripping it off. I looked over my shoulder to see Emmett plummeting through the studio, his expression rapt and exultant at his new prey. I let go of James, realizing Bella needed me more. I was not oblivious to Jasper's thirst, which he kept in check as he had a different type of prey to attend to now. Carlisle was not far behind as he helped Jasper and Emmett kill the one creature I would personally like to torture for an eternity.
Alice had already rushed to Bella's side. Bella's breathing was harsh and ragged as she took several heavy panting breaths. I ran over to Bella, kneeling in a pool of blood. I didn't even bother to hold my breath, as each flame that ripped down my throat only punctuated the fact that she was still alive, her heart was still beating. My hands moved over her but I didn't know what to do as her body finally went limp.
"Oh no, Bella, no." I cried out, rubbing the blood from her eyes. Pain in dimensions that I had never felt before tore my body to pieces. I could feel the tearing of my heart - her heart. "Bella, please!" I begged for her to return to me, to just show me a sign that she was conscious. "Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" I pleaded as heavy tearless sobs sent my body into near convulsions.
"Carlisle," I shouted behind me with a bite of impatience. I turned back to Bella who was lying aslant, like her body had been broken in many places. Fragments of glass were deeply imbedded into her hair. I watched as dark red and gluttonous blood flowed rapidly from her head and leg. I swallowed my venom back. "Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" Another tearless sob.
I listened as her heart began to move sluggishly, like there wasn't enough blood on her body to keep it going.
I'll try to stop the bleeding. Alice moved towards Bella's head and put pressure on her wound. The blood instantly stopped leaking from her head. There was no hesitation in Alice's thoughts - her mind had one mission, and that was to save Bella.
Bella became paler and damper than normal and her skin grew cold. I heard running footsteps behind me as Carlisle slid to the floor and began working over her immediately, putting pressure on her leg wound. Tears seeped through her eyelids before they opened wide with pain and a cry came through her lips. Her cry was like a stimulant. "Bella," I cried as relief swelled in me indescribably.
Carlisle began his inventory mentally. "She's lost some blood, but the head wound isn't deep. Watch out for her leg, it's broken."
Icy cold rage filled my body like acid and a feral growl ripped up my lips. Cuss words went flying through my mind quickly as I imagined all the ways I would like to tear James' apart, put him back together and do it again, just for fun.
Carlisle continued his inventory by feeling for other broken bones. He moved over Bella's ribs. She jerked and another sob escaped her lips, her eyes were blank, like she couldn't see clearly.
"Edward," Bella mumbled with an unearthly and beautiful sound. It was the most glorious and welcomed voice I had ever heard in my entire existence.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:22
24. Blood
There were distant sounds of a fight, the loud noise of a vampire being torn apart, but my eyes were only able to see one thing - Bella. She was lying on the ground, crumpled, broken, while the pool of blood continued to grow wider underneath her. The red fluid, spilling, wasting, on the floor, the scent pulsing through the air. The amount was cataclysmic, as each second passed a distinctive, yet intangible, spice of the most delicious aroma left burning lacerations in my aching throat. My knee was placed resolutely in the middle of the puddle, soaking me in her blood...her life. I took a deep breath and ignored my longing, my lust, my ravenous desire - I focused on the angel.
"Bella," I soothed her. "You're going to be fine." Unresponsive, detached. A plea entered my voice. "Can you hear me, Bella? I love you." I sent a reverent petition to which ever god would answer a creature like me.
"Edward," she croaked, answering my silent request.
"Yes, I'm here," I declared earnestly.
Slow, small, and irregular quantity of tears trickled down her cheeks. "It hurts," she uttered many inarticulate lamentations of grief as her eyes closed tightly.
Her words plagued and tormented me. I lightly brushed her hair from her face. "I know, Bella, I know." I shifted my posture to Carlisle. "Can't you do anything?" I asked him urgently, peremptorily.
This doesn't look good. I need you to prepare yourself for the worst. "My bag please," Carlisle reached his hand out.
The scent...Alice's eyes were wild when she passed the bag to him.
"Hold your breath, Alice, it will help," Carlisle declared while grabbing his bag.
"Alice?" Bella questioned in a sustained mournful cry.
Alice continued to hold her breath, unable to answer her. Bella, she lamented a sigh silently.
"She's here," I assured her. "She knew where to find you," I silently thanked Alice as our eyes met for a fraction of a second.
Alice made a slight and quick bend of her head. Not soon enough, her eyes were deep with sorrow.
A quick glance around the room brought the total devastation and destruction back into focus. The mirror was cracked and shiny blood was smeared across the floor and mirrors.
"My hand hurts," Bella mumbled in an almost unintelligible extent, bringing me back from my distraction.
"I know, Bella." Another scorch mark broke down my throat as I took in another breath to answer the angel who was lying in front of me.
I'm about to administer some morphine into her system. Her pain should go away fairly quick after that.
"Carlisle will give you something, it will stop."
All the noise, the fighting, the sound of cracking wood, it was all drowned out when a sharp and piercing cry echoed through the Ballet Studio. "My hand is burning," Bella shouted, her eyes fluttering, trying to open but were restricted because of the blood.
"Bella?" I cried out, frightened. I felt a great mental suffering, as her screams were slowly torturing me.
The morphine should be working.
Another loud wail. "The fire! Someone stop the fire!" she screamed and moaned in paroxysms of grief.
I looked over my shoulder as Emmett was starting a fire to burn James - but it was nowhere near us. I turned back to her, going to the source of her first cries. There were perfect teeth imprints on her wrist where a vampire, I growled in rage, had bit her.
"Carlisle! Her hand!" I yelled in disgust, hoping he might have a remedy or that I was wrong all together. An icy surge of terror filled my lungs.
I watched as his eyes looked over the outline of the mark. "He bit her." Carlisle stated in revulsion.
A deep breath entered my lungs as her scent rippled down my flaming throat, the horror entering my body. My view was obliterated by anger - I was seeing red.
I can't do it. "Edward, you have to do it," Alice commanded while wiping the blood out of Bella's eyes. Her stare was so intent you would think she was trying to force Bella to mend just by looking at her.
"No," I roared, looking at Carlisle, hoping he would tell me something different.
"Alice," Bella cried in a low, mournful sound.
Edward, if you want her to stay human... "There may be a chance," Carlisle persisted.
"What?" I begged, not understanding why they wanted me to do it.
"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean," Carlisle explained as he stitched Bella's head wound.
The shock from this statement was so huge it rooted me to the spot for several seconds.
"Will that work?" Alice's throat was obstructed by the fear of losing her friend.
I assume it would work the same as a snake bite. "I don't know," he admitted. "But we have to hurry." You have to do this, Edward; I can't do this for you.
The thought of consuming her blood, even if it was saving her life sent pleasure and pain flooding into my body. To taste her would be wrong...fallacious. I felt utterly disgusted with myself but the temptation was growing. My veins felt like they were being filled with acid as I contemplated putting her life in more danger...the liability...to place her in mortal peril, where she may never come back to me... I felt like I was choking. "Carlisle...I," I faltered. The thoughts tilted back and forth in my mind like a see saw. "I don't know if I can do that," the words were laced with the agony that was consuming me, I felt like I was being strangled, desperate for air.
Carlisle was working quickly over Bella's head, pulling a needle through her skin over and over, sewing her up. He looked at my face. "It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand."
Bella jerked a quick sharp pull of her body. Another thrust and a suddenly arrested motion as she thrashed against the burning pain in her hand as my mind was racing for alternatives. "Edward!" she shouted spasmodically. Her eyes flew open and her dark brown eyes darted around in every direction until they landed on me.
Watching her writhing in burning pain, pain that I remember well, burnt me, like I could feel it too. I could take the pain away - I could make it all stop - but would I take her life in the process?
"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle shouted as he was finishing up the stitches on Bella's head. Maybe he should let her become a vampire; it would make things a whole lot easier. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late."
At his thoughts - to think of Bella as a vampire - death would be better than this...this...life. Bella was beginning to jerk in violent spasmodic muscular movements, the abrupt motions making her leg flail limply around. Carlisle caught her leg to hold it still.
Now, Carlisle ordered in his head. I shot him a furtive look.
My fingers wrapped around her tiny and delicate wrist, preventing her involuntary reflexes, like she was pulling her hand away from a flame. The desire to taste, the agony of the bite...every second I bent closer to her my mind tittered on an unstable line of right and wrong. My mind was traveling between two different worlds. Reason, truth, maybe some standard or principle - this had to be the solution; the right answer. Not proper, awry, not appropriate. The thoughts scattered across my already stressed mind as I bent down further.
She thrust against my hold making the prolonged pain of my intense mental suffering grow exponentially. Her breathing was harsh and ragged as her wild yells filled the studio, reverberating off the mirrors and walls. My lips touched her skin, the fresh blood soaking into my lips. Hunger. Completely ravenous. I pulled her blood from the bite wound and it rushed into my mouth. The blood was hot and wet in my mouth. Sensations I'd never felt before tingled my tongue, sending a pleasurable warmth down my frozen and dry aching throat. Each second the monster was threatening to take over as he reared his head in appreciation.
She screamed and lashed, struggling to get away from my grip. I knew it was hurting her, but my instincts had taken over, I held her tighter, intensely eager to devour the palatable, savory...delectable...I tried not to moan in pleasure. The luxuriant fullness that had consumed me brought intense satisfaction. I was ultimately determined to seize her, to have all of her, as I sucked down the blood in large gluttonous amounts.
I could feel her becoming limp in my strong grasp as I continued my consumption of her gratifyingly warm, red...crimson blood.
"Edward," Bella mumbled incoherently, bringing me from my frenzy - like a soft voice had just whispered in my ear.
Edward! Please...please don't kill her. Stop! Alice cried in her mind, not wanting to scare Bella. "He's right here, Bella." Her voice trembled slightly, her visions showing her an unsure course.
Bella's eyes rolled in her head like marbles on an unstable surface. She was dying. With a stupendous effort I let go, placing her hand down gently, forcibly reminding myself of her delicate nature. The dazzling sunlight of the day bathed the studio with a natural light, making the pool of blood glitter.
Bella was silent and limp, her heart barely pumping the little amount of blood that was left in her body. Did I kill her? I felt like someone had just stabbed me in my heart. Would this be her brutal ending? I felt a horrible compression in my chest at my thoughts. They placed an inexcusable trust in me! I looked at her intently, waiting for another reaction with increasing desperation. She took an unsteady breath - the small cry of pain still present. I was devoutly thankful to whatever god had been watching over her this morning.
"Stay, Edward, stay with me..." She barely breathed. I sighed heavily at the beautiful angel voice.
"I will," I promised, the stress of the situation still evident in my triumphant voice. I put her words on repeat in my mind, realizing even though I put her in this danger and almost sucked her dry of life, she still loved me...still wanted me to stay with her. I brushed my hand lightly against her cheek.
A small sigh escaped her lips, her pain obviously dulling as her eyes closed lightly.
You didn't kill her, Carlisle thought proudly. "Is it all out?" he checked.
I didn't kill her. The relief was so exquisite it was nearly pain. The ache...anxiety, my oppression was slowly dissipating. "Her blood tastes clean," I breathed a sigh of relief. "I can taste the morphine."
Let's make sure before we take her to the hospital. The morphine might be covering up the pain. "Bella?" Carlisle called out, bringing Bella from an almost slumber.
Bella didn't bother to open her eyes, her body lying limp on the ground. "Mmmmm?"
"Is the fire gone?" Carlisle stared at me, waiting for the answer.
Bella's voice was slow and sluggish. "Yes," she sighed. "Thank you, Edward."
I felt a profound feeling of warmth radiate from my body. "I love you," I breathed in deep affection. To taste something so sensational and be able to stop... I sighed, the benevolent reverence I had for her grew suddenly, like she was divine in nature.
"I know," she breathed once more, her words becoming incoherent with sleep.
At her words - her almost sarcastic words, a low chuckle escaped my lips. The sound was doused in relief.
Did you see her mother? Is she dead? Carlisle's face looked grave. We both listened for a moment, trying to hear a heart beat...someone breathing, but there was nothing. I shook my head.
"Bella?"
Her lips twitched into a frown. "What?" she mumbled.
"Where is your mother?" he asked.
"In Florida," she sighed. Then her face barely distorted in anger. "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos."
I gritted my teeth in anger, the reminder of James came to the forefront of my mind as I looked over my shoulder at the rapidly growing flames that were licking up the walls of the studio.
"Alice." Bella's eyes fluttered and failed to open. "Alice," she called again. "The video - he knew you, Alice, he knew where you came from," her voice drifted off weakly. "I smell gasoline," she added quietly.
This building is going to be up in flames shortly, we need to leave. "It's time to move her," Carlisle looked at me. Can you carry her? You must be careful not to hold her too tightly. We don't want her ribs protruding into her organs.
I nodded my head.
"I want to sleep," Bella protested.
"You can sleep, sweetheart, I'll carry you," I tried to soothe her as I brought her gently into my arms, like she was a delicate soap bubble. She's more fragile than a soap bubble, I laughed internally, the first real signs of the ending danger."Sleep now, Bella," I kissed her lightly on the forehead, the blood unaffecting me in this most relief filled moments.
She fell limp in my arms, her eyes shut lightly, like she was in a deep slumber. I emerged from the flames of the studio as Alice opened the car door of the Cadillac for me. I slowly laid her down in the backseat. I sat beside her, pulling her into my lap. I wanted to keep her as close to me as possible. I looked up through the shining sunlight, where Alice was glittering like millions of tiny facets were embedded in her skin, and noticed the relief on her face also.
"Where's Emmett and Jasper?" I wondered, catching a glimpse of the Mercedes still parked out front.
"They've gone back to the hotel. I'm not riding with you, I'm going to meet them there. We are going to set up a...scenario." I saw in her mind the plan - they were going to break the glass wall of one of the stair wells - saying Bella had fallen down the stairs and through the window, causing her injuries.
"Will that work?" I asked.
"Yes." She stated while shutting the door and sprinting off in the dark shadows around the buildings.
Carlisle was already in the driver's seat, the car starting. I didn't speak, and neither did he during our ride to the hospital, though I could always hear his thoughts.
I guess the glass from the window and falling down stairs could account for her injuries. Hum... Alice is truly clever.
I can't believe Edward was able to stop when Bella's blood calls to him so absolutely.
Two lefts and a right...
We pulled into the emergency room lane, Carlisle helped Bella out of the car and handed her back to me. I carried her through the large glass doors as they slid open for me automatically. The nurse at the front desk stood immediately, gasped at the sight of the blood, her thoughts becoming panicky, and ran to get help. Soon there were doctors and more nurses running through the halls, all ready to help her. It pained me to see the slowness that they moved, though their pace was particularly fast considering they were just mere humans. I brushed her face lightly as I placed her on the gurney.
"My name's Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I would like to help in any way that I can. She is like family to me," Carlisle spoke quickly to the doctor on duty.
I knew he was beginning to feel this away about her, but he had never thought or said that statement out loud. She was family, though. To see all of the Cullen's, even Rosalie, ban together to protect the one fragile human that I loved so deeply made me realize that maybe she was my destiny...that even after tasting her blood, I was able to keep her alive.
I shook my head. It was idiotic to think that way. I would have never tasted her blood if it weren't for me putting her in danger in the first place. This was entirely my fault. She was being rushed to surgery because of me. Her bones are broken...she was bit by a vampire! Each thought was a struggle, I saved her, but she wouldn't have needed saving had I never invited her into my secret life.
Another thought. When I left Forks...if I never returned...she would be dead now. I saved her! The battle between right and wrong was taking over my body as I sunk down into the nearest chair and waited for some news.
A couple of very long minutes later Alice came prancing through the doors, exultant at her prized display of a fake accident, her eyes were reminiscent.
Carlisle came bursting through the big white emergency doors.
"We need permission from her mother or father before she can have surgery."
"Already done," Alice trilled. "She should be calling the hospital in three seconds."
Suddenly the phone rang and the nurses' station picked up.
"Hold on just one minute, Mrs. Dwyer," the nurse pressed the hold button and then another button to send the call back to the doctor on duty.
"That's my cue," Carlisle said. "I'll keep you informed." He turned on his heal and walked smoothly and gracefully through the doors sending an everything will be all right, thought my way.
I sighed and sank down into a chair. I sat still for an hour. A very long hour. I still hadn't recovered from the shock of seeing Bella in such a broken state as I sat there frozen and unmoving. Hate and revulsion were there, squarely in my chest, reminding me of the monster I am. I sat there, silent and unmoving - rigid as a wax work while the battle raged inside me. I kept turning cold thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't shown up. I shuddered.
Another hour passed, and this one was longer than the first. I begged the earth to crack open and swallow me whole. Alice didn't say anything, just sitting quietly next to me, realizing it wasn't a good time to talk. I hoped to deflect any invitation to join into a conversation with her. Alice continued to gaze dreamily out the window. I heard feet racing down the hall way and I looked to my right as Carlisle busted through the big white emergency doors to report on how Bella was doing.
"She's going to be fine. She will be out of surgery shortly. There was a lot of damage to her leg, but they were able to fix it. She should have no permanent damage," Carlisle informed me, placing his hand on my shoulder, speaking bracing words of comfort. "Relax. I'll show you where her room will be."
I leapt to my feet. We walked slowly through the hallways of the hospital; the walls were bland and off white. There was a sickening smell in the air...the smell of iodine and death. We reached big metal doors to an elevator. Alice pressed the button to go up, already knowing which room we were going to be in. I waited impatiently for the doors to open. Ding. The elevator doors opened to admit us and we all three stepped through them, Alice once again pressing the button, one that said four.
I felt a shifting under me as my stone like body was slowing ascending the many floors of the building. Ding. The doors opened to admit us onto the fourth floor, which was just as boring as the first.
"This way," Alice said.
I followed her until we reached room four-oh-eight. I stepped through the threshold. No Bella. I sank down in the chair next to the bed, waiting once again impatiently. I leaned over and put my head in my hands, trying to dislodge the thoughts and feelings that were consuming my body, setting it aflame and then dousing it with cold water. The scent was still strongly present on my hands. I pulled them away to examine the damage. There was no white space, my hands were covered in scarlet blood.
A stubby nurse walked into the room. "Oh," she gasped. "I didn't realize anyone was in here."
I looked up at her and she jumped back several feet. His eyes!
I looked away quickly.
"I'll just come back..." she bustled out of the room quickly.
"That's right! I almost forgot," Alice chimed in.
"What is it, Alice?" I groaned.
She tossed me a small white box. I flipped it over in my hands. Contacts. Crap, another reminder, I thought angrily. I went into the bathroom to place the contacts over my bright red eyes...bright red because of Bella's blood. All of this because of my...need. It was true, I needed Bella. Would I ever be able to leave her and stop bringing danger to her door step? I fluttered my eye as an obstruction fell over my vision. I could see every line and contour of the wretched thing. I pulled the other contact out to place in my other eye. I brought my face close to the mirror, studying it. I was oddly flushed and more pink than normal; my eye was scarlet red because I was full of human blood. The gleaming red eye reminded me of the monster that I am. I sighed and placed the contact in my eye as my vision became obstructed again.
I washed my hands thoroughly, watching the water turn red and run down the drain. I walked out of the bathroom.
"Much better," Alice said.
I heard a squeal of wheels being pushed down the lament floor. Be prepared, Carlisle warned.
Worry and anxiety filled my stomach like acid as I stood to open the door, realizing I had less resolution than ever.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:25
25. Battle Worn
Plink. Plink. Plink.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The many noises of the machines were slowly making their way down the hallway towards room four-oh-eight. Emotions were flooding me, my body not knowing which ones to recognize.
Alice was eyeing me with apprehension, the future obvious in her mind.
You're not going to like this.
Alice stood up and paced back and forth, becoming impatient with the slowness of the nurse pushing Bella down the hall. I was still standing, my hand resolutely on the door, afraid to open it, afraid of what I'll see.
I dove into her mind for only a fraction of a second to see that Bella was hooked up to so many machines it almost made her look like she was some sort of mechanical apparatus or contrivance.
My many threads of thought were lost when I caught a scent that was unfamiliar to me, yet I knew it all the same. I finally yanked on the door, flinging it open to see Carlisle walking quietly behind the nurse, a despondent look upon his face. My eyes ignored him and everything else that was going on around the busy nurses' station. The only room I had in my brain right now, in my heart, was for the precious soul laying in the bed, beaten and battle worn.
Taking in a deep breath, I tried to find the scent that would reassure me that she was still Bella, still okay...still mine. But, the scent was off, wrong...possibly vulgar. For a moment I thought there was something wrong with me, that maybe my brain was fooling me...tricking me, a mere product of my own mental invention. Possibly a fantastic notion - like her blood finally was unappealing to me.
Shaking my head, I realized the only scent in the world I wished for right now was her scent, her very human, very Bella scent. My eyes followed a red tube from her arm up to a blood red bag.
Blood. Not any blood, but human blood. Sitting there - for the taking. But the aroma was off, offensive...extremely unpleasant.
Ignoring the now erroneous smell wafting off of her, I concentrated on her face, her bandages...her wrist. My teeth automatically clenched so hard that if steel were to meet them it would be ripped in half.
James.
Pushing my angry thoughts aside, I brought myself back to the angel, the beauty that was lying in this bed, unconscious and broken. At the sight of her my extremities felt like they were going numb.
She was broken. I broke her.
The nurse had finally made sure she was hooked up to all the appropriate machines, that everything was working correctly before checking her pulse and her temperature. Carlisle and Bella's doctor were standing outside the door talking. I was barely paying attention to the conversation, choosing to pick key words from their minds.
She'll be fine.
Probably another pint of blood.
Temporary medically induced coma until she heals more.
My head snapped up. Coma? ... Coma? What?
I reached for Bella's hand, bringing it to my lips, kissing her lightly, caressing her face. Automatically I began to try and probe her mind, even though I knew the effort was useless. Maybe I could reach into her brain, pull out her thoughts. Did she forgive me? Was she okay? How was the pain?
Silence.
Fear bubbled like acid in my stomach. The only thing that slightly soothed my frenzied nerves was her warmth...her pulse in the air, on my skin.
I was seeing double, watching Bella from two different views, mine and Alice's.
How revolting. She didn't care much for the blood being forced into Bella's veins either.
We both continued to watch Bella's check's lightly turn a tinge of pink as the blood swirled under her clear skin. Every second the pain at her broken body lashed at me. I tried to form some kind of enchantment, to make it so we could magically change places; that I could feel the pain, that it was me lying there unconscious.
To think how this could have happened, how she was almost reduced to ash...to a cold and fiery death. The picture of a fleshless Bella entered my mind and the feeling of disgust was present on my tongue. Each second I felt like I was becoming emotional deranged. I needed an outlet, some way to focus my thoughts.
Clunk. Clunk. Clunk.
I whipped around to see Alice flipping a tiny video in her hands. Resentment began bubbling to the surface. Without thinking I rounded on her.
"What happened? How did you let this happen? Bella..." my voice was overly accusatory.
My hostility began swelling in the air, slowly consuming me. Alice stepped back two steps before sitting down. She placed her head in her tiny hands and very quiet sobs escaped her lips. The afternoon's events were finally catching up to her.
"After you boarded the plane...I saw it. Bella, in the ballet studio. I saw it all..."
She looked up at me as her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, tears that would never come.
"I...I didn't realize it was because she planned to meet him."
"You left her alone with Jasper? Seriously...Jasper? Come on Alice!" I kept my voice low, not wanting to upset anyone outside this room.
"Jasper can handle himself," she cut across me. "Maybe she hadn't completely made up her mind, but when she did, she was already on her feet, running towards the exit. By the time this future presented itself to me I knew I'd be too late." She breathed in a quick breath, trying to calm her nerves. "She wrote a letter to her mom. It was still in my hand. On a hunch I opened it. That's when I very nearly ran into you. Edward... I'm...I'm so sorry."
"Not as sorry as I am," I barely muttered.
My anger had left as quickly as it had come on.
Sorry...
"It's not your fault, it's mine." I whispered.
I turned to bring myself back to Bella. My eyes followed every bruise, every bump and every blackened spot. Each second little quiet explosions of pain were erupting through my body. Now, more than ever, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body.
How is this your fault? Alice challenged.
"If it wasn't for me, she would never be in this hospital. She would be safely in Forks, probably having a nice dinner with her father. Instead...she's here, broken...comatose."
Her arm wrapped around my shoulder. "No, this is his fault." She waved the tape in front of me. "Do you want to see what Bella was talking about?"
I looked at Bella and then looked at Alice, giving her a pleading look.
"Carlisle," Alice called over her shoulder.
"Excuse me, Dr. Jones." Carlisle said politely.
"Yes, of course. I'll check on Ms. Swan later," Dr. Jones responded.
Carlisle strode into the room. "Alice?"
"Carlisle, will you please stay with Bella while Edward and I watch this tape?"
He looked over her to see my face. I wasn't looking, my face was resolutely focused on Bella, my focal point, the one I cherished, loved and adored above all others. No, I wasn't leaving this room.
"You guys go ahead," I waved them away.
Alice huffed lightly. "I'll watch it outside the hospital." You can just watch it through my mind.
"Okay," I answered blandly.
They both left me, not another thought in their minds about my decision. Carlisle had already known that I wouldn't leave her side. Not now, not when she needed me more than ever. Fear fluttered in my chest at the thought of what she might think when she does wake. Would this be the thing that finally makes her snap? Another sharp stab of pain prickled my insides.
Bella continued to lay there, silent and still...unmoving except her tiny chest movements.
There was a light rapt on the door before the Doctor walked in with his clipboard in hand. I rose, hand out.
"I'm Edward Cullen. Thank you for taking care of her." I spoke reverently, more thankful than he will ever know or understand.
Love. "Yes, of course. You're welcome. Dr. Cullen wanted me to stop in and explain what will happen with her next."
"Yes..." I pressed.
Eager chap, isn't he? "She has many injuries. Her skull is fractured, she has several broken ribs and her leg was badly mangled, but we were able to fix that with surgery. A few pins will hold her bone in place until it heals," he answered while taking her vitals.
"Why isn't she waking up?" I coaxed, trying to get him to get to the coma part.
"Yes, well, because of the extensive damage I have purposefully had her placed in a comatose state to help her heal. I'm not sure how long she will need to be in a coma. It could be a day, it could be several. Don't worry, she'll be okay." Clumsy girl.
You ain't kidding, I thought. "Well, thank you, Dr. Jones."
He nodded once and exited the door. He had good timing, because as soon as he shut the door a thought burst through my mind.
Edward! Pay attention! I'm about to watch this video. Alice shouted from her head.
They found a cord to plug into one of their laptops and were sitting outside in our car that Jasper brought back for us to use.
This is going to be hard to watch, son. Please keep your cool. Carlisle warned.
Sitting, I pulled Bella's hand back into mine. To watch this video, I knew I would have to feel her warmth to remind me she was still alive, that she was still with me...even if she was unconscious.
Watching her actions like they were my own, Alice's finger slowly appeared in my vision as she pressed the play button. I felt a pang of unease. Accompanying my thoughts were Alice's and Carlisle's.
A face appeared on the screen. James.
I took in a heavy breath, preparing myself for the onslaught of pain...torture that watching this will cause me. Deep down, I probably deserve to watch this, to make me see what I did to her.
"Edward, I'm so sorry we couldn't meet today, but I have a prior appointment with your Bella." A sick laugh. "I hope you enjoy the show. Hope to...see you very soon."
I could hear the thoughts of revulsion radiating off of Carlisle.
The screen shook, as I could imagine James placing it upon the stereo. His face was now facing the camera again.
"I just got off the phone with Bella. Looks like she will be here shortly. You shouldn't have let her out of your sight. She's all mine now." He licked his lips.
My stomach jolted, I felt sickened at the thought. The screen no longer showed what he was doing, but I heard him fiddling with something.
My fault, Alice thought again.
Another minute had passed. I focused on Bella, reminding myself once more that she was here, safe.
I heard the door crack open slowly in the video as the air conditioner thrummed quietly in the background.
"Bella? Bella?" I heard a voice call out.
Suddenly Bella was running through the studio, looking around in alarm.
"Bella, you scared me! Don't you ever do that to me again! "
There was a trill of a laugh and Bella whirled around, looking for the noise. I watched as Bella slowly walked towards something out of the camera lens' vision. There was a sudden blue light and she backed away, the light reflecting off her perfect face and her white shirt.
She turned around slowly, anxiety obvious in her deep depths.
Oh no, Alice thought weakly.
My heart ached to watch her panic. She must have been terrified. My desire to throttle James had reached such a pitch, but there was no vampire left to kill, to rip apart and burn.
Bella's eyes focused on something past the camera.
"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?" His voice was mellow.
He really is a cruel creature, Carlisle added to my already angry thoughts.
Poison rippled through my veins. He had no right to even talk to her, to even look in her direction. I wanted to reach out and bring death to him. A sudden surge of jealousy hit me as I realized I didn't get this opportunity and never will.
"Yes," Bella answered as relief broke across her face.
She was...relieved? My teeth met with an audible snap as I realized she was being selfless, sacrificing herself for her mother. A trait I loved in Bella, yet hated all at the same time.
And she truly is a magnificent creature, Carlisle added to his previous thought.
"You don't sound angry that I tricked you." A light laugh.
"I'm not." She actually sounded brave.
Brave little Bella, Alice sniffled.
"How odd. You really mean it" James appeared in the picture now. He was slowly walking towards Bella. "I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It's amazing -- some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all."
He had no idea how selfless she actually was. He also had no idea how she was absolutely unique, different, not like any human he would have encountered before.
He was standing a few feet away from her now, arms folded, looking at her curiously.
"I suppose you're going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?" James asked.
Avenge? If only I were so lucky! The thought of bringing my teeth to his neck to rip him to pieces, slowly... the satisfaction was almost overwhelming in my sick fantasy. My wish was for him to suffer my retribution and it pained me more to not be able to rip him to shreds with my bare hands.
"No, I don't think so. At least, I asked him not to." Bella's voice trembled.
My heart plummeted while a sick feeling swept over me.
"And what was his reply to that?" James looked hopeful at the prospect.
"I don't know. I left him a letter."
I could feel it slowly burning in my pocket, I placed my free hand over the letter. It would be a keepsake, a reminder of how close this angel got to death.
I should have known...Alice tormented.
"How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm marring his polite tone.
"I hope so."
Bell was a fool to think I would honor that letter. Of course I would kill him. I would probably play golf with his appendages just for fun. The surge of savage pleasure rippled through me.
Sometimes she is so blind, Alice stifled a small laugh, understanding exactly what I was thinking without reading my mind.
"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck."
Silence.
"When Victoria couldn't get to your father, I had her find out more about you. There was no sense in running all over the planet chasing you down when I could comfortably wait for you in a place of my choosing. So, after I talked to Victoria, I decided to come to Phoenix to pay your mother a visit. I'd heard you say you were going home. At first, I never dreamed you meant it. But then I wondered. Humans can be very predictable; they like to be somewhere familiar, somewhere safe. And wouldn't it be the perfect ploy, to go to the last place you should be when you're hiding -- the place that you said you'd be.
"But of course I wasn't sure, it was just a hunch. I usually get a feeling about the prey that I'm hunting, a sixth sense, if you will. I listened to your message when I got to your mother's house, but of course I couldn't be sure where you'd called from. It was very useful to have your number, but you could have been in Antarctica for all I knew, and the game wouldn't work unless you were close by."
Oh course, Carlisle practically shouted in his head. Realization hitting him like a ton of bricks.
"Then your boyfriend got on a plane to Phoenix."
I wanted to hit myself for my stupidity!
"Victoria was monitoring them for me, naturally; in a game with this many players, I couldn't be working alone. And so they told me what I'd hoped, that you were here after all. I was prepared; I'd already been through your charming home movies. And then it was simply a matter of the bluff.
"Very easy, you know, not really up to my standards. So, you see, I'm hoping you're wrong about your boyfriend. Edward, isn't it?"
Memories flooded me as I remembered our pointless and rambling journey to Canada, Victoria's odd behavior. Each second she was searching...looking. I became instantly angry at myself. Why didn't I see this? I should have known. I read his mind. He never failed...his special gift was tracking.
Bella stayed silent. Secretly I wished she would have taunted him, called him names...at least argued with him. Put up a fight, even if it were a feeble attempt.
"Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?"
Sick, Alice thought angrily.
His hand reached out to grab the camera. He was going to gloat...to show her that he was doing this to get to me. I didn't want to murder him anymore, I wanted to slice him into pieces and cook them one at a time. Feed it to the furry creatures of the forest.
He readjusted the camera a few times.
"I'm sorry, but I just don't think he'll be able to resist hunting me after he watches this. And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human, who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add."
The camera moved closer to Bella...he moved closer to Bella.
"Before we begin...I would just like to rub it in, just a little bit. The answer was there all along, and I was so afraid Edward would see that and ruin my fun. It happened once, oh, ages ago. The one and only time my prey escaped me.
"You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked -- I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans -- and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn't even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature."
There was an audible gasp from Alice, as she realized he was talking about her.
"She'd been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she'd never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then." He sighed. "I destroyed the old one in vengeance."
Alice's thoughts were running wild. Her mind trying to reach back into her old memories to try to find her human times. There was nothing but velvety blackness.
It all makes sense now, why she was left alone. Her creator was killed before she awoke! Carlisle was fitting the puzzle pieces together in his mind.
"Alice," Bella gasped, sadness in her tone.
A rush of affection came flooding out of Alice as she realized how much Bella loved her, too.
"Yes, your little friend. I was surprised to see her in the clearing. So I guess her coven ought to be able to derive some comfort from this experience. I get you, but they get her. The one victim who escaped me, quite an honor, actually."
A growl ripped up Alice's throat at his comment. Mine wasn't far behind.
Honor, scoffed Carlisle.
"And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste... She smelled even better than you do. Sorry -- I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow..."
To think of him even being close enough to smell her about drove me mad. I could slowly feel the savagery creeping into my veins. Many violent brutal acts flashed through my mind.
The camera moved so close to Bella's perfect features that he was probably only inches away from her. Violence was struggling to break free of my body, but there was no one to fight, no one to beat.
His hand reached out and grabbed a strand of her hair; he sniffed it and patted it back in place. At this, I stood, letting go of Bella's hand. Fury was bursting out of me. I wanted to inflict a punishment so brutal, so horribly unthinkable that he would have to suffer for years in horrid pain.
He reached up to stroke her cheek once quickly with his thumb.
The hospital cup that was lying next to Bella's bed was suddenly in my grasp, crunched like it was a soda can and slowly crumbled into little pieces. Choice swear words came shooting out of my mouth.
"No," he murmured to himself as he dropped his hand, "I don't understand." He sighed. "Well, I suppose we should get on with it. And then I can call your friends and tell them where to find you, and my little message."
Absolutely revolting, Carlisle's thoughts were almost incoherent with disgust.
Slowly I could see the camera backing away from her face. Her body was quavering in fear. I brought my hand out in mid air, like I could soothe her; tell her everything would be okay, though I knew any minute that the pain would be inflicted, that she would be violently hurt and bitten by a vicious and cruel vampire. Every particle of my body was screaming in protest.
The camera was circling around her...he was circling around her. The movement of the camera was almost like I could tell he had just crouched, preparing to spring. Her pupils dilated in terror.
She bolted. In all my anger I almost laughed at the comical move. It was humorous for two reasons. One, trying to outrun a vampire? She knew better. Two, she actually feared a creature she should be afraid of. So, her braveness did have a limit. I sat back down, holding Bella's hand again.
I closed my eyes, knowing the next little bit was going to be rough. I might not even make it through it all.
He flew in front of Bella, where there was then a loud thud and the camera whipped around to show Bella almost slowly sliding down the glass mirror as it rippled and broke, falling to the floor.
Anger throbbed through me as did sadness, pain. I wanted to make him...suffer. The fury that was pounding through my body was so violent it was shocking me like a jolt of electricity, each time burning me.
James walked slowly towards her; the camera bringing Bella's dazed expression into view.
What kind of creature...Carlisle was full of despair.
A growl ripped up my throat, long and feral.
"That's a very nice effect. I thought this room would be visually dramatic for my little film. That's why I picked this place to meet you. It's perfect, isn't it?"
Bella began crawling on the floor. Without thinking I slowly propped myself up on her bed, lightly tracing the features of her face which was now only inches from mine. How could I ever let her out of my sight?
What happened next burned me so much that I begged that we could trade places, or that I could suddenly go back in time.
The camera lowered, to show what his next move would be. He lifted his foot, and stomped on her leg. There was a sickening snap as Bella's scream came flying out of her mouth.
I could feel an exertion of force or power slowly brewing inside me as violence pulsed through me.
"Would you like to rethink your last request?" A smile obviously in his voice.
With a light flick on his foot he nudged her leg while another piercing scream echoed through my brain.
A cry echoed through all our thoughts at once.
"Wouldn't you rather have Edward try to find me?"
I would have found you, James. If I would have just arrived a little earlier I would have pulled his eyes out of his sockets and chewed them, spit them out and stomped them into the dirt.
"No!" Bella barely croaked. "No, Edward, don't--"
Before Bella could finish her plea she was being thrown into the broken mirrors.
Through Alice's vision I could tell she had flinched, and suddenly her hand went up to cover her eyes.
Not Bella... Alice sighed a lament as her hand slowly slid back down her face.
Each torture continued to hit me relentlessly.
When my vision was restored I watched as each second the darkness ran down her face and flooded her white shirt, staining it red. Blood. Beads of blood were trickling at an alarming rate through her hair. I could remember the outrageous flavor floating on the air around her when I arrived at the studio. It was easy to ignore the thought as explosions of agony possessed me, like I was bursting with the pain of it all.
I brushed my fingers lightly over her face again, a reminder she was still here, safe...protected.
"It's entirely my fault," I whispered to Bella.
In the video her eyes began to close as James dropped the camera. The angle was not good, so the view was distorted, but that was a good thing. Bella slowly melted onto the floor, bringing her hand up to her face as protection. There was a guttural noise, the sound of flesh breaking.
That's when he bit her.
Seeing this, knowing how close she was to death felt like I was being pierced with scalding hot knives. This video just made it that much more horribly vivid. Each blow felt like I had been fatally wounded.
As if it were my own hand, Alice reached out and pressed the stop button. I was thankful, I didn't think I could watch those painful moments when I thought she was possibly dead or dying, the memory was clear enough, no need to add to the agony...though I deserved it.
Alice and Carlisle began talking with each other about what they just saw. I pushed their thoughts and their conversation from my mind. I couldn't think about it anymore. It was bad enough she was lying here, broken, mangled...bruised...unconscious. Grief began weighing on my heart.
I wished, prayed, even that this was all just a horrible nightmare; that I could sleep so I could wake from this. My stance around Bella was a continuance of looking like a body guard in hostile territory, even though she was safe in this hospital. I felt the ripping of my heart, slowly being shredded.
Halfway curling myself up on her bed, I kept my face close to hers. Kissing her every minute, just to feel the warmth on my lips. A reminder of how precious the life was that was laying here in front of me. My love...my existence. Each second realizing that she was my life, without her I would die. Not only would I die, I would beg for it, embrace it.
Other thoughts swam through my already troubled mind. I couldn't keep her. To have her be in my life would be like keeping her in the line of danger. She deserved more than me...she deserved marriage, kids, a family...college. Each thought lashed at me, leaving angry lacerations. I couldn't leave her now, but one day I will have to leave her. It pained me to think it, to know it had to be that way, but that is the only way it could be. I loved her too much to damn her to this existence, to take away her soul.
Hadn't I already been selfish enough? Hadn't Bella proven how unselfish, brave, and trusting she is already? I kissed her forehead once more as hopelessness threatened to engulf me.
Hey, bro, it's me. Can I come in?
I sat up. Emmett?
"Come in."
He came bursting through the door with a smile on his face, which slid away quickly once he saw Bella. He noticed the blood hanging down and held his breath quickly, though it didn't bother him like it would Jasper.
"Here ya go!" Emmett threw a bag towards me.
Man, he looks bad. "Wash up. You look how I do when I get done fighting a grizzly." He chuckled.
"Thanks," I rummaged through the bag, glad to see clean clothes.
"Alice told me that Ren��e will be here in half an hour and it would probably be prudent if you didn't look like a train wreck." Another chuckle.
"Yes, I guess it would be best if I wasn't covered in her daughter's blood." I looked back at Bella.
I'll stay here with her if you want me too, Emmett added, coaxing me to clean myself.
"Okay, yeah. I'll just be right in here. There's a shower..."
"Yeah, yeah," he interrupted.
When I was in the bathroom I could feel the contacts slowly dissolving in my eyes. Having red eyes would probably scare her mother. I dug through my bag, hoping Alice would have predicted this. Bingo. Contacts. Thank you, Alice!
Before I put my new contacts in, I threw all of my dirty clothes away, making sure I kept the letter she wrote me. I turned the water on hot, hoping it might actually ease some of the tension and strain I was under. At the same time, I was looking through Emmett's eyes as he watched over Bella. Though he barely knew her, he was slowly learning to love her, to appreciate who she was. It was so easy to be in Emmett's mind sometimes.
I let the warm water trickle over my body, cleaning any remaining blood off of my skin. The water tinged pink for a few moments and then the luscious scent swirled down the drain. I could still feel a heavy weight on my chest, as if there was something constricting my heart from healing from the lashes that were constantly being engraved on my tethered and worn body. She was so close to death, so close to not living. Her heart...my heart was on the verge of never beating again.
Searching for her face, I found it instantly in Emmett's view. I sighed, turned off the water and began toweling off. Ren��e would be here shortly and I needed to look my best. Quickly dressing, I placed the contacts in my eyes, letting them obstruct my vision once again before I exited, relieving Emmett of his duty.
"Thanks," I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Oh, it's no problem," he smiled, winked and then strode from the room.
Again, I waited by her bedside, holding her hand gently, caressing her face lightly. The blood that was slowly dripping in her veins had started to mix with her blood, the scent finally beginning to smell more like Bella. The luxurious, the delicious, the palatable aroma progressively growing stronger.
Then, there was a sudden awareness as I heard thoughts that were so overwhelmed with fear that they were producing nothing but hysterical ramblings. It had to be Ren��e. No one else in this whole hospital knew what it was like to love someone like Bella. She was different, amazing...wonderful.
The door flew open and I stood, the doctor hurriedly following behind Ren��e's ever impatient noises. Ren��e, completely ignoring my presence, flew towards Bella, though her touch was gentle, her sobs loving. Her panicking seemed to clear my thoughts.
"Oh, Bella. Bella!" she turned to face the doctor. "When will she be awake?"
"I'm keeping her in a medically induced coma until I feel she has healed some." He stated.
She turned away from the doctor, her eyes finally meeting my presence.
"And you must be...Edward?" He sure is handsome. I didn't realize Bella... Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong.
I tried not to smile at her thoughts. "Yes," I held out my hand.
She gripped my hand for a second before plopping down next to Bella.
"My baby, please get better. I love you," she murmured. Went through a window! I just can't believe Charlie let her leave like that. So irresponsible. I'm just going to have to take her home...back to Florida.
And I would let her.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:30
26. Awakening
The constant drone of the machines continued to echo through my psyche as the evening street lights casted shadows through the hospital room. Renée refused to leave Bella's side for any period of time. I let her have my seat next to Bella but continued to stay in the room, sitting in the corner quietly listening to Renée's thoughts whirl through her child like mind. She was unlike Bella in every way; she even sensed danger when it came to the Cullen's, unlike Bella.
My poor baby...what time is it? She looked towards the clock. Eleven. Charlie should be here shortly. I'm going to have to have a talk with him. Her thoughts then became a little disjointed in anger as she thought of her daughter falling down two sets of stairs because she had run away from Forks. Forks, she scoffed internally. I knew this wasn't a good idea. I warned her. I told her she didn't have to leave. What kind of mother am I to condemn my child to a place like Forks?
Ignoring her constant prattling, I continued to stare, fixated on Bella, waiting for her eyes to open, willing them to just flutter. I couldn't see the clock that was over my head, but I was counting every second as they passed. It was easy to keep track because my only focal point was Bella and how long she had been devoid of consciousness. It had now been exactly 39,982...83...84 seconds since we arrived at the hospital.
Her heart thrummed evenly as her scent was beginning to slowly return to her. The sweet nectar that was her life filled the room with the delicious aroma. Craving the sweetness, I brought the scent into my lungs, letting my throat burst into flames.
It was only two hours ago that she finished her second blood transfusion and I was afraid her scent would forever be a pitiful imitation of the luscious blood pulsating through her body. It felt like my body was undergoing physical suffering owing to her condition. Her blood deficient was because of me; a creature so monstrous that I preyed on this innocent creature by allowing her to become a part of my life. More than that, she was my life.
My phone lightly vibrated in my jeans pocket -distracting me from my internal torment - and I pulled it out to read a message from Alice.
Just picked Charlie up from the airport. Will be there in fourteen minutes.
Snapping my phone shut, I got up to move to Bella's other side. With her mother here, I kept my distance, not wanting to over step my bounds with a parental authority that I so recently met...and especially under these circumstances.
"Charlie will be here shortly. Carlisle and Alice just picked him up from the airport," I said lightly.
It's about time. "That's good," her eyes never left Bella's face.
For over an hour before now I was struggling to come over and talk with Renée. I wanted to flush out a good story to tell her about why we were here in the first place. She got the gist of the story from the doctor about her going through a window after falling down two flights of stairs, but that was all.
"Mrs. Dwyer," I began.
Such a gentleman...Mrs. Dwyer. Her penetrating gaze moved from Bella's face to mine. Her eyes widened a little at my appearance. It always caught humans off guard, the little indications they didn't comprehend, no matter how many times they'd seen one of us before. She studied my face for only a brief second before she saw the grief that was displayed squarely on my face. Ignoring her senses she brought her thoughts to my expression. He really cares for her. He looks like he is going to cry.
"Renée," she corrected me.
"Yes, of course, Renée. I wanted to apologize for this whole incident," I used my smoothest voice to ease her stress, one I retained for not alarming humans.
"This isn't your fault...," she began, but her thoughts caught up to her mouth. What was he doing down here anyways? He didn't...follow her did he? He's not a stalker...is he? She tried to smile politely but even without her thoughts as a guide I could have guessed what she was currently thinking.
Her thoughts weren't far off base. I was her vampire stalker, watching her sleep every night. I continued, not wanting to think that once she recovered, this would be the end...no more stealthily hiding in her room.
"Yes, it is my fault. I really care about your daughter, so please understand that I want the best for her..."
"Why are you here?" She blurted out.
"When I brought her home after playing baseball with my family she became upset. She really misses Arizona and after I confessed my feelings for her she became angry." The memory of her yelling at me flashed through my mind. Though she was acting, it burned to hear her say goodbye and slam the door in my face which is ultimately my worst fear.
His feelings? Hum, I wonder how much he actually cares for her...I hope her actions aren't because of me...my past...because of my fear of her staying in Forks. Nope, not his fault...mine, all mine. She stared at me with her eyes filling with the sorrow of her thoughts, so I went on, trying to distract her from her mental images. It was entirely my fault, not hers.
"When I found out she had run off to Arizona...from a call she made to Alice, I had to fix it. Carlisle and Alice came with me to try and convince her to come back to Forks; that we all loved and missed her."
We all love her? Their relationship is a little more intense than I realized. Renée speculated.
"She agreed to meet us at our hotel room but she never made it. Carlisle was actually in the hallway getting ice when he heard a loud crash. Alice and I heard it also," The look on my face showed pure agony at the thought, though this wasn't acting, this was how I truly felt. "It was Bella; she had tripped and gone through a window. We rushed to get Carlisle but he was already there. All three of us helped stop the bleeding and get her to the hospital."
Poor child. He must have been scared out of his mind. Renée reached over to place her hand over mine. "Thank you for saving her."
"Thank Carlisle. He's the doctor,"
"Yes, but without you, he might not of been able to stop the bleeding in time," a tear slid down her face and the white blanket covering Bella now had a wet spot from the droplet.
Edward, we're here. Alice called out to me through her mind. I have to warn you, he's not happy. You might want to get out of there before...
The door to the room flew open as Charlie came marching in, livid. His face was so screwed up in anger that all the blood had rushed to his face, covering it purple, like a radish with a sun burn.
"This is all your fault," he pointed a finger at my chest, coming closer and closer.
I backed away from him, "I'm sorry." It was a pathetic attempt, but it was all I could think to say with him advancing on me. I nearly knocked over my tray of food; nothing more than a prop, really, but my mind was in such anguish that I wasn't paying attention.
No, this is my fault, Renée thought while stepping in between us. She placed her hands on Charlie's chest and began to push him towards the door.
"Mr. Swan, I..." I began.
Renée interjected.
"Charlie, that's enough. Let's talk outside," she commanded sternly.
"You won't ever see my daughter again. Do you understand?" Charlie continued to shout at me as Renée continued to heave against him until he was outside of the door.
His threat was unnecessary because I had to leave her to let her live a peaceful life without all the peril. I backed slowly into the corner, sitting down on the chair again. Bella's breath had picked up slightly; the tempo of her heart increasing, like she could sense the tension in the room.
Watching her small chest lightly rise and fall with each breath, seeing the blood flow seamlessly through her translucent skin, listening to her heart which was echoed perfectly with the monitor all just emphasized how delicate and precious she really was. I had to save her from the nightmarish creature I feared and loathed that finally made it to the surface when I tasted the rich flavor of her blood. I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough discipline left to be around her forever. Would all my efforts fail?
Pushing my ever growing thoughts of leaving from my mind - fighting tooth and nail against what I didn't want to be - I opened my mind to the conversation that was now being shouted in the hall. Listening in on their conversation wasn't difficult in the least. They were barely standing outside the door and with their raised voices it was loud enough that even the humans could hear it.
"Charlie, calm down right this instance!" Renée yelled at him.
"You left him in there with our daughter. She left because of him," he growled furiously with the protective concern, emitting a possessive edge in his thoughts.
I could witness his livid expression through Renée's human eyes. Not the best vision, but it would work. He was right, though; she did leave because of me, because of the danger I placed her in. Looking at her limp form on the bed, her brown hair surrounding her glorious bruised face only brought more fear rippling and quivering through my still form. I was gasping at the air like I'd been suffocated.
"No. She left because of me! If she wasn't so scared to fall in love in Forks than she wouldn't have run away in the first place. This is my fault, not his. If you want to blame someone, blame me," she retorted.
"You didn't hear the way she yelled at him." I flinched at the memory, my nerves stretching tight - guitar strings, tensed to resonate at the gentlest of pressure. "She was so angry and upset," his voice had lowered some, noticing all the attention on them. Charlie hated attention as much as Bella did. "Wait, did you say love?"
Renée eyed the door automatically, picturing my tortured face in her mind. "Yes. I believe he loves her," she murmured.
"Well..." he stuttered. "That still doesn't matter!"
"They were trying to help. You know our daughter, she is very clumsy. If it didn't happen now it probably would have happened in the future. It's better if it is when a qualified emergency room doctor is around," Renée rubbed his shoulders. I could hear her impatience at her ex-husband.
Dr. Jones was still on duty and over heard part of the conversation in the hall. Must be her father the way he was yelling. He walked towards them. "Hello, I'm Dr. Jones. I am the one who worked on your daughter this afternoon."
A nurse had followed behind him and entered the room. She began taking Bella's vitals, not even realizing I was sitting in the corner. Her thoughts concentrated on the information she was writing down on the chart.
I continued to listen to the conversation outside the door. "Oh, hello, yes...I'm Charlie, her father. Dr. Cullen told me she was in a medically induced coma?"
The light rhythmic movement of Bella's heart continued at a steadied beat, a little faster than when she was in a peaceful sleep. Again, I was counting the seconds.
"Yes. She is healing nicely. Once her swelling goes down around her brain we will try and wake her, but it is strictly up to her body to decide when she is ready to awake from this coma," he stated firmly, yet in a tone that would help ease his stress.
"Yes. Of course. I understand," Charlie rubbed his temples.
"I'll leave you alone. Let you have some time with your daughter," he murmured before walking away.
"Thanks," Charlie barely spoke.
When the nurse swiveled around she finally saw me sitting there. Her heart jumped and began beating wildly. I didn't even see him sitting there.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just leaving now," she began to walk towards the door. Now that I think about it... she glanced over her shoulder. He is hot! I might have to volunteer to come back in here tonight. She finally opened the door nearly knocking over Charlie who had reached for the door at the same time.
Standing, I opened my mouth to apologize again. Charlie held up a hand. "No need."
Renée continued to stand in the hall, uncertain if she needed to enter or not, worried that Charlie might decide to release some more of his fury on me.
"I'll leave you two alone," I mumbled while walking out of the room.
Renée turned to get dinner, taking deep breaths while her thoughts were grumbling in complaint at Charlie's behavior. And he's such a nice boy...I just don't understand.
As soon as the door clicked shut Alice was at my side.
I see he calmed down. He was in a white rage in the car on the way over here. I thought I was going to have to restrain him he was so angry.
I nodded, not speaking. I was still burning from the pain.
I know what you're planning.
I ignored her. Curiosity continued to eat at her as she walked next to me down the hall which was rich with the scent of bleach and plastic. She looked at me inquisitively, wondering what I was thinking that was making the visions in her mind flash. My thoughts were burning, wishing I could know what was going through Bella's mind right now. Her mind was closed to me, and now her eyes were too, the one link I had left to her internal knowledge.
Everything is going to be okay, I can see it. She tried to comfort me.
Still, I continued to walk silently next to her. Bella's oddly deep brown eyes were fixated in my irises which were crimson with fresh human blood. My contacts were beginning to burn away. Before I could ask Alice, she had another box placed in her palm.
Here, let's not give Charlie any reasons to hate you more.
"Thanks," I replied dully.
If I thought going on a single hunting trip - leaving Bella behind, vulnerable - was excruciating, the next twelve hours were worse. The extreme and generally prolonged pain and mental suffering were the most constant of my torments. But, the most painful of my torments was Charlie's possessive nature over his daughter. With him here, I was basically kicked out of her room, Renée constantly apologizing for his poor behavior.
During the afternoon hours Alice and Renée would converse about everything from style to yoga classes, even though Alice has no need for yoga. Though I sat there, listening to their conversations, they continued to become aware of how tightly wound I was, feeling the stress emanate out of me without the special gift that Jasper has.
Edward, Alice called from her mind around two in the afternoon. Charlie is going back to Forks. The officers...well, he is the police force, they need him back. He already received that call and will be on a plane by five.
This was the first decent news I had heard in days. Regardless, today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before because each second that I continued to count added to the time that her deep depths were closed, her mind locked up tighter than Fort Knox. Like Alice had predicted, Charlie came strolling around the corner to give us the news about his departure. He completely ignored me, but in his mind he was thinking daggers towards me. Daggers that would never pierce my cold, steel skin.
Renée walked with Charlie out of the hospital, leaving Alice and I alone together.
Let's go see Bella.
Without answering her, I rose, walking quicker than human speed towards the room. Whenever Charlie wasn't taking up all of Bella's coma time, I was there, by her side. When I got the chance, I was holding her. Renée had stayed the night, and was planning on doing it again - something I wasn't terribly excited about.
When we reached the door I opened it and was instantly hit with a spectacular scent wafting through the room. Each breath was full of fire which was also full of her life. I ignored the burning, pushed it in the back of my mind.
There was a newspaper on her bedside table. I picked it up to the page that was left open. It was a story that covered the arson of a ballet studio and theft of a car that was left outside. Anger pulsed through me at the thought of James again, though I pushed it aside because another angry thought hit me. I wished that Renée hadn't known about this, because now she was too afraid to stay in her own home.
My continuance of emotions ached for some kind of physical outlet, and yet the only outlet I had was now gone, dead.
Not today...Alice murmured. She's not ready.
My hopes plummeted at this news. She continued to watch the future which spun, twisted and became mangled again.
I wish...
"This is obviously not the time to bring that up," I barked.
I was just going to say I wish she'd wake up soon, Alice's eyes were wide with innocence, and I didn't believe it for a second.
Looking at her eyes, I saw the reflection of my own eyes which were an odd brown, muddy color. Momentarily it caught me off guard, forgetting I was wearing the contacts, even though they continued to obstruct my perfect vision.
I stole my eyes away from her to bring them back to Bella's limp and lumpy form. Her eyes were closed lightly, as if she were very peaceful. Her hair glinted in the bright white light over her face. My remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I had the ability to produce tears, they would have filled my eyes. Each second that I continued to count reminded me of the precious soul lying in the bed before us. She was so breakable, and I broke her, she was good and she didn't deserve my fate. My mind was bouncing around like a tennis ball, willing myself to stay away from her, to no longer let my life collide with hers...destroying it in the process.
What have I done? As the hour passed my mind continually would titter on a line of right and wrong. First, my thoughts leaning one way, then the other. Alice was becoming irritated at my constant state of vivid flashes of the future which would crumble every time I changed my mind. Then, when I didn't think the burning could get worse, I imagined her waking up and kicking me out of her room. I had to remind myself that she had every right to hate me, to not trust me with her safety. That she should.
Would you quit! Alice shouted from mind. You aren't going anywhere. I won't let you. Remember, you did save her life.
Her thoughts were confusing and incomprehensible. Did I not place Bella in front of the danger that lurked around her until it struck? Wasn't this all my fault in the first place? Quickly, I decided that the best course of action was to ignore her thoughts.
After an hour had passed Renée entered the room, her mind happily jumping from subject to subject. What books she liked, her favorite movies, how she painted Bella's new room in Florida. Each second, I counted...I angered even more...mostly at myself. I tried ignoring Bella once, letting her go and it didn't work. I remember thinking that there were other options besides her ultimate doom. Now that I am sitting at her bedside, where she was on the brink of death nearly twenty four hours ago, I realized that keeping her in the fragile state would inevitably destroy her.
I had to leave. Not now, but after she recovered. I did this, I have to clean it up. I won't leave her here, broken, without help.
I've had it! Alice stood up. "Renée, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
So soon? Renée stared at me. But he's not good company. "I understand, dear. See you tomorrow."
Surely it had to be miserable being around me, but if they understood my frustrations, my ever growing war that was raging inside me, then they would leave me alone. I argued with myself as the evening hours progressed, afraid my less noble side would win the argument. To add to my ever growing torments, the silence emitting from Bella was torturing me. Night after night I watched over her, and she spoke, tossed, turned, and murmured some more. Not last night...and not tonight.
The mystery that surrounded Bella continued to make my curiosity flare. The lure of her unprotected and unconsciously spoken thoughts were making me sick with regret. I should have stayed away and then tonight would have been like any other night when I went to visit her. I missed her murmurs, her spoken dreams and fears.
The only sound from Bella was her light breathing, which had a little rattle from her bruised ribs and her steady heart beat. I shook my head in disgust at what I had done to her. Though she was bruised and tubes and wiring seemed to be coming from her every orifice, she was still beautiful. Her dark hair was tangled wildly around her pale face.
As the night progressed into the early morning hours, Renée never kicked me out. Instead she slept resolutely with Bella's hand in hers. Jealousy raged inside me at her touch. I wanted it to be me holding her hand, lying with her, comforting her. It was foolishness to think that we belonged together, even though I could never imagine myself without her, or with anyone else. She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose, yet she chose me...the cold inhuman creature that almost brought her to her death.
Could a dead frozen heart break? I felt like mine was.
In an instant, a memory flooded my troubled mind, making my mind teeter in yet another direction. That first evening I became the peeping tom...Bella, she was dreaming of me, mumbling my name.
"Stay," she sighed. "Don't go. Please...don't go."
That was the night she changed me, the rare and permanent thing that you could never give back. It was love, and no matter how many years pass, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, I would forever love this one girl.
I gazed at her unconscious face, reminding myself of the love that had settled into every portion of my stone body that night. If I loved her though, then I was strong enough to leave her because that is what would be best. Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes, like I did this week, she could be killed. Though, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident. Obviously, I am capable of making mistakes. In only an half hour of speaking with her for the first time I slipped up twice.
Deliberately, I took in a deep breath, letting her scent rip through me like wildfire. With each breath, I let it remind myself of the monster that was living deep inside me. Though he was gone, missing right now, I knew he was still there, sending waves of fire through my throat.
Renée was sleeping soundly now, dreaming about a horseback riding class she had that was a little bizarre. Still, I continued to count the seconds as the sun rose over the mountainous horizon. I closed the vertical blinds so my skin wouldn't sparkle. Again, I felt my contacts disintegrate and had to replace them. In the bathroom, my eyes still were bright red with Bella's blood. Another reminder of the damage I inflicted upon her by being with her.
I felt my pocket vibrate and reached in to grab my phone. It was nine in the morning. It had now almost been two days of a still, unmoving beauty lying in this bed, comatose. I read the message.
Bella will awake at 913. Thought I'd give you the heads up so you could wake Renée so she could get her breakfast. It will give you time to be alone with Bella.
A great relief spread over me at this news. The seconds I would no longer have to count because she would be awake, talking to me. Purposefully, I dropped my phone, the sound vibrated off the walls in the tiny room. Renée jumped to her feet.
"What's going on? Where's Grace?" she mumbled, her face bewildered.
I had to suppress a laugh. "Grace?" I asked.
"Dream," she muttered. That horse scares the living fire out of me!
Again, my giddy state was hard to control. My lips twitched on the edges at the thought of her waking.
"They are serving breakfast," I offered.
Oh course, he wants time alone with her. "Yes, breakfast sounds nice."
Renée left with one last glance over her shoulder before shutting the door.
Curling up onto Bella's bed, I held her hand while watching the clock. The seconds were going by slower. The last minute before her awakening seemed to take twice...no three times as long. Each second that ticked by had my thoughts scattering in every direction. Now that I knew she would be awake soon, the thought of leaving her was inconceivable. I would always love this fragile human girl for the rest of my limitless existence. I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portion of my cold steel body. If I wasn't strong enough to leave her maybe I was strong enough to construct a new future.
She moaned while her eyes fluttered.
Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:35
27. Deadlock
Warm, sweeping, glorious, relief, the most powerful emotion that had hit me in days, more forceful than my anger, my agony...my pain, rushed over me. This emotion was so full of an alleviation and ease that all of the anguish and distress was leaving my body as I saw the emotions in Bella's eyes again. At the sight, I realized that I never truly appreciated her beauty. My eyes looked up as I silently prayed to whatever entity that kept her alive, letting them know how devoutly thankful I truly am. Looking back at her, the deep depths, the windows to her soul, continued to move in quick irregular motions as she reached up to pull the oxygen tube from her nose.
"No, you don't." I reached over to stop her hand.
My chin was resting only inches from her face when her eyes finally met mine. She was disorientated.
"Edward?" Her voice was hoarse, drained, like she was fatally wounded. A tiny pucker formed between her brows. She tried to focus on my face. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"
She was sorry? What did she need to be sorry for?
"Shhhh." I attempted to stop her insanity. "Everything's all right now." I tried to speak bracing words of comfort. She needn't be so anxious with her frail body being in such a broken state.
"What happened?" Her words were slurred slightly, almost like she was drunk.
Memories of the events that happened that fateful morning, which brought her to this place, rushed across my mind. My stomach bubbled with a sickening acid.
"I was almost too late. I could have been too late," I whispered, torment lacing each syllable.
"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."
Of course, she would try to put the blame on herself.
"He tricked us all," I said, trying to ease her mind. She really should be resting.
"I need to call Charlie and my mom," worry was present in her eyes...always worried about someone else, anyone else, but herself.
"Alice called them. Renée is here -- well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now."
"She's here?" She tried to sit up, her body swaying slightly. I couldn't let her hurt herself anymore so I lightly pushed her back down onto the pillows.
"She'll be back soon," I promised. "And you need to stay still."
"But what did you tell her?" Her voice was panicked. "Why did you tell her I'm here?" Even in her drugged stupor, she was still trying to protect our secret. Without effort, my love radiated out of me along with the agony that rippled through me at the thought of what actually happened just those two days ago.
"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window." You were tortured by a vicious vampire and I was nearly too late. "You have to admit, it could happen." I tried to lighten the mood with this small joke.
She sighed at my bad humor and I could see her wince slightly at the pain it caused. Her eyes finally left mine to roam over her broken and mangled body.
"How bad am I?" She asked, curious.
This time I sighed. The damage was extensive.
"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it -- it made you smell all wrong for a while." I took in a deep breath at the luxurious scent that now filled the small room, letting it sting my throat with the pleasurable burning sensation.
"That must have been a nice change for you," she half smiled.
She had it all wrong though. To imagine her without the palatable scent was almost unbearable, like I had drank all the goodness from her body and it was being replaced by some cheap imitation.
"No, I like how you smell."
"How did you do it?" Her voice was strained. I knew what she was asking.
Many memories stirred from that horrible morning. Blood was coming out of her in torrents, flooding the floor. The blood...how did I stop? I remembered the pleasure and the pain that consumed my body at just the mere thought of her warm blood in my mouth, my burning throat with the accompanied obsessive longing finally being quenched. The thought tore at every nerve in my body. The disgust I felt didn't stop me though; I still brought her wrist to my mouth and drank from her. Even when she yanked around in my grasp, thrusting against my hold, screaming, I didn't let go. I didn't even know how I did it.
"I'm not sure," there was the tiniest quiver in my voice.
Gently, I lifted her hand which was wrapped in white gauze, examining it carefully. Along with the ache that seared deep inside me, there was this new indication of what I was. A monster. A creature that should have no part in this angel's life.
Lightly caressing her hand I shivered at this sick souvenir that would always be on her wrist which made my dead heart shatter. The wires that connected her to all the monitors were just another vivid reminder on top of everything else at how fragile and breakable she was. Each passing second felt like borrowed time.
I sighed. "It was impossible... to stop," my voice was low, a whisper. But I did stop; I was able to keep her alive. "Impossible. But I did." My eyes met hers, a smile creeping up my face; a great rush of affection washing over me. "I must love you."
"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" She returned my smile.
The satisfaction...the gratifyingly warm blood in my mouth �C it was beyond delicious. It coursed through my body, sweeter than life.
"Even better -- better than I'd imagined."
"I'm sorry," she apologized.
She was...sorry? Again, what was with the apologies? If it wasn't for my stupidity in the first place she wouldn't have even been in the situation to have her blood sucked by me, of all creatures. I looked up to the ceiling in exasperation before returning my gaze to her.
"Of all the things to apologize for."
"What should I apologize for?"
For a moment I was lost in desperate speculation, thoughts consuming my mind momentarily. Only one thing came to mind. "For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."
If her life had ended that day...I shuddered...I too, would have died.
"I'm sorry," she apologized again.
"I know why you did it. It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me, you should have told me."
At this, I realized maybe she didn't trust me as much as I thought. She shouldn't trust me. Because of me, she was here in this hospital bed, for several days, fighting to regain consciousness.
"You wouldn't have let me go," she explained, like I should have known this.
"No," I replied in a stern tone. "I wouldn't."
She shuddered and then slightly winced. My eyes roamed over her to find the culprit of her obvious pain, my nerves being pulled tighter at her discomfort.
"Bella, what's wrong?" I pleaded
She ignored me, wanting more answers.
"What happened to James?"
James, I growled internally; the enemy being brought to the forefront of my mind.
"After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him," I said with clenched teeth.
Bella needed me, I knew that, but regardless, jealousy still rippled through me at the thought that it wasn't me who got to pull him apart - it wasn't me who burned him.
Her eyebrow furrowed. "I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there."
"They had to leave the room... there was a lot of blood."
Everyone's actions that night caught me off guard; all of them behaving like there was not a single drop of blood spilled in the building. Luckily, we all have no need for oxygen.
"But you stayed," she stated with a deep fervor, her face smoothing.
"Yes, I stayed."
Obviously, I stayed. She needed me...she would have died. Preventing that was most important.
"And Alice, and Carlisle ..." she said in conjecture.
Of course they stayed, too. They consider her part of our family.
"They love you, too, you know."
"Did Alice see the tape?" She asked anxiously.
"Yes," I gritted my teeth. I remembered watching the tape through Alice's mind, the things he did to Bella �C the way he taunted me on the video.
"She was always in the dark, that's why she didn't remember," Bella explained, distracting me.
I nodded. "I know. She understands now," I said darkly.
That was all James did; hurt people and their families, only leaving reminders of his presence.
Bella's hand came up to reach for my face, but the IV stopped her from moving far.
"Ugh." She winced.
My head came up from her pillow, concerned. "What is it?" I asked anxiously, the image of James still in my view �C anger still coursing through me.
"Needles," she explained, looking up like she was going to be sick.
She took several deep breaths. Instantly, the anger left my body as humor replaced it. The absurdity of it all �C she was beaten by a vampire, yet this...needle, of all things, makes her sick.
"Afraid of a needle," I muttered under my breath, shaking my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand..."
She rolled her eyes.
"Why are you here?" She asked.
Instantly, I felt a chill in my stomach. I just stared at her, surveying her face, confusion sweeping over me. Then, it hit me. Maybe she didn't want me here, which is understandable, but it still made my heart ache, my body shriveled in pain. My eyebrows pulled together as a frown replaced my previous amusement.
"Do you want me to leave?" An obvious grimace appearing on my face.
"No!" She protested as loudly as she could. "No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back."
"Oh," I breathed, once again, relief burst through me; understanding replacing confusion. She still wants me here! Happiness swelled inside me like a balloon. "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks." I fixed my face, like I was trying to convince her myself, proving this lie was convincing. "You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with Carlisle and Alice -- of course I was here with parental supervision," I infused innocently, "but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and... well, you know the rest. You don't need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points."
Looking into her eyes I could see her mental processes whirling around before she spoke.
"There are a few flaws with that story. Like no broken windows," she said matter-of-factly.
"Not really," I chuckled lightly under my breath. "Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly -- you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about," I assured her, caressing her cheek with the lightest of touches, letting her warmth envelope me. "Your only job now is to heal," I ordered.
I continued to trace my fingers around her magnificent face. Her heart began to jump around wildly, the monitor echoing the erratic palpitations.
"That's going to be embarrassing," she muttered.
This could be more amusing than I realized. Now her heart was beating loudly enough for both of us to hear with all of this equipment magnifying it. I chuckled.
"Hmm, I wonder..."
I leaned in, deliberately trying to hear her reaction; the beeping noise hammered quickly along with her heart before my cold lips even reached her warm ones. Her heart continued to beat a little faster as I slowly moved in for the kiss.
Gently, I reminded myself; placing my lips upon hers, sending a spine tingling sensation through me as she lightly moaned in pleasure. Her heart was racing before it gave a huge bound and then it stopped altogether. Panic hit. I pulled back instantly as the light beeping noise started again. Relief, a feeling that seemed to be recurring over and over today, swept over me.
"It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual," I grimaced.
"I was not finished kissing you," she grumbled. "Don't make me come over there."
Affection gushed up inside me and against my careful stature; a smile crept up my face at her obvious love for me. It was amazing that she still yearned to be with me like I craved to be with her. After everything I had done to her she still wished for a proximity that I was still reluctant to give her; I was filled with a trepidation that I would hurt her, break her, kill her somehow. Despite my thoughts, I still bent down to press my lips lightly to hers. The heat crept up my face and down my veins as it brought warmth to my cold heart.
In the hallway, I could hear a discussion being whispered.
"How long will it take before she wakes up?" Renée asked the nurse. Soon, please tell me soon!
"It's up to her, Mrs. Dwyer."
"Well, thanks anyways," she sounded defeated. Edward is still in there I bet �C they have had enough time alone. Who knows what those crazy kids were up to before this accident happened.
I pulled out of our kiss.
"I think I hear your mother," I smiled.
"Don't leave me," she cried irrationally.
Terror was obvious in her deep brown eyes. "I won't," I promised solemnly, and then I smiled serenely. "I'll take a nap."
I jumped from the stiff plastic chair by her side to the turquoise artificial-leather recliner
at the foot of her bed, leaning it all the way back, and closing my eyes. I became a statue.
"Don't forget to breathe," she whispered mockingly. Going along with her humor I took a deep breath, my eyes remained closed.
Renée's light echoing footsteps moved towards the door before she lightly pressed against it, causing the door to crack open.
She's awake! Renée thought excitedly. Her eyes peeked through the space, hoping to sneak a peek at a possible conversation, eavesdropping before she opened the door all the way to rush towards Bella's open eyes.
"Mom!" Bella croaked out, her voice relieved.
Oh, my baby girl, Renée's mind was easing slightly. Through her eyes I could see my still form feigning sleep. Ah, he's asleep...but still here. Her annoyed thoughts became verbal. "He never leaves, does he?" she muttered.
"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!" Bella ignored her mom's spoken thought.
Renée's expression cleared, her eyes returning to her daughter. Forget Edward...my baby. My beautiful baby girl. She's awake. Tears flowed down Renée's cheeks as she bent down to hug Bella awkwardly.
"Bella, I was so upset!" Renée spluttered through her tears and other inarticulate sounds. I should have never, ever let her go to Forks. What was I thinking? I'm such a fool.
"I'm sorry, Mom. But everything's fine now, it's okay," Bella tried to reassure her.
She's sorry? I'm sorry! Everything's not okay. Look at her...all the bruises.
At Renée's thoughts, my stomach tightened sickeningly with pain. I felt a pang of unease. The bruises...the broken bones...they were my fault, no one else's. Sick images swam in my head and continued to come at me relentlessly. Every part of me ached with my idiocy �C my ignorance �C at what my clandestine existence ultimately brought to Bella. Thoughts of leaving her echoed through my head, but my love continued to pulse in my heart, my inability to leave her growing stronger. The ongoing battle continued to ensue inside me.
"I'm just glad to finally see your eyes open." Renée sat down at the end of Bella's bed.
Her eyes are so sparkly. To think that there was a possibility that they could never open again...she grew sick at the thought, letting it trail off to images of coffins and people dressed in black.
Struggling, I tried to push her images from my mind fiercely. My lurking doubts started resurfacing in my mind. I should leave Bella to her life, stop destroying her future.
"How long have they been closed?" Bella gasped, her mouth forming a little O of horror.
"It's Friday, hon, you've been out for a while."
"Friday?" Her voice was full of stunned disbelief.
The two worst days of my life.
I had to agree with Renée's thoughts, except they were the worst two days of my entire existence.
"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey -- you've got a lot of injuries."
"I know," Bella winced.
"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man... very young, though. And he
looks more like a model than a doctor..." If I wasn't married...
"You met Carlisle?" Bella interrupted her fantasy.
"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl." The whole family is breath taking. What kind of food are they feeing them?
Only if she knew of the consequences of having our beauty and the blood we drink to continue our deplorable existence.
"She is," Bella agreed sincerely, unstinting devotion, love emitting from Bella's eyes in rays of emotion.
Suddenly I was in Renée's vision. Wow, she really does feel strongly for this family. But, what about this boy? He seems to be around much more than the rest.
"You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks," Renée said suspiciously, turning back to Bella but continuing to steal glances of me over her shoulder.
I wonder what their deal is...
Renée was busy stealing another glance over her shoulder when Bella moaned in pain. The lamentation of grief reached Renée's ears, her eyes quickly found Bella's. So did mine, flashing open as soon as her mom's attention was no longer on me, panic coursing through me.
"What hurts?" she demanded anxiously, voicing my same concerns. Her thoughts were full of a deep motherly concern, one full of love.
"It's fine," she tried to relieve our tension. "I just have to remember not to move."
Her words eased some of my panic. Closing my eyes again, I focused on her through Renée's thoughts.
Never again. She's not going back to Forks. Thank god for Phil's contract. She'll be so excited.
"Where's Phil?" Bella blurted out, almost as if she were reading her mother's mind too.
"Florida-- oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best
news!"
"Phil got signed?" Bella interjected.
"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns, can you believe it?" She can finally move back home!
Deep down I could feel the hollowing of my insides along with the burning of my heart at the thought of Bella moving away, but it was the best thing she could do. She should leave, graduate high school, college...get married and have kids. Not stay with a vampire who could offer her no future.
"That's great, Mom," she replied in a questioning enthusiasm.
I knew what was going to come next. The borrowed time was lessening. Instantly, I became increasingly nervous.
"And you'll like Jacksonville so much," she jabbered while Bella stared at her vacantly. "I was a little bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything, because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't that bad. We found the cutest house, yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom --"
"Wait, Mom!" Bella interrupted. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks."
My heart, my cold, dead, unbeating heart...I swear, it just started beating again. She wanted to stay in a place she hated, and I knew it was because of me.
What? Maybe she doesn't understand. Renée smiled. "But you don't have to anymore, silly," she laughed. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now... we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him."
"Mom." Bella hesitated for a second. Automatically I tried to hear her mind, the space between us silent as ever before she spoke. "I want to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends" -- suddenly I was in Renée's vision. It's because of him, I know it. -- "and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook at all."
I wasn't sure why, but it was clear that she didn't want to go to Florida with Renée, and I was all for that plan. Even though it wasn't a good plan.
Forks...Renée's thoughts were babbling inarticulately. "You want to stay in Forks?" She spluttered.
Again, I was in her vision, my face tense with the conversation. This boy...Does she love him, too? Still...Forks. Insane.
"Why?"
"I told you -- school, Charlie -- " she shrugged "ouch!"
Bella �C how do I comfort her? Her hand fluttered uselessly over Bella's body. Her eyes narrowed in on an un-bandaged spot and patted lightly. Seriously, though �C school? Charlie? I don't believe it.
"Bella, honey, you hate Forks," she stated firmly.
"It's not so bad."
Well, that wasn't the response I was hoping for.
Oh, come on. Renée scoffed. Again, I saw my face flash in front of her eyes before she turned back to Bella. "Is it this boy?" she whispered.
Bella opened her mouth and then closed it. What was she thinking?
"He's part of it," Bella finally spoke nonchalantly. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"
"Yes." He's quite mysterious... "And I want to talk to you about that."
How stupid to even consider someone approving of me for their daughter.
"What about?" Her lips pressed together tightly.
"I think that boy is in love with you," Renée alleged, keeping her voice low.
"I think so, too."
Despite the situation we were under, I grinned at the memory of our time in the meadow, the first time I confessed my love for her.
"And how do you feel about him?" She was pushing for details, which means Bella will have to lie. I cringed internally at that thought. She was a horrible liar.
A small gush of air swept in and out of Bella's lungs before she spoke. "I'm pretty crazy about him."
This made me happy. I nearly took her life, yet, she was still 'crazy about' me.
"Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella..." I was hoping that I wouldn't have to have 'the talk' with her until she was older. She sighed. What was I expecting? She is seventeen after all.
"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it. It's just a crush."
Crush? Just a crush? Her words burned more than my thirst. Deep down I knew she was perpetrating a farce, but still, just like at her house before we left for Phoenix, the words caught me off guard.
Crush...I can handle that. Then it's not too serious after all. "That's right," she agreed.
Then she sighed and glanced guiltily over her shoulder at the big, round clock on the wall above my head. I need to get home...Phil. He'll be worried if I don't answer the phone.
Seeing the time for myself I was disheartened that my time with her was slowly passing by. Sooner than I'd like, I would have to leave her forever. Was I brave enough? Did I have enough will power...enough strength?
"Do you need to go?" Bella interrupted my reverie.
"Phil's supposed to call in a little while... I didn't know you were going to wake up..."
"No problem, Mom." Bella said indifferently. "I won't be alone."
That's right. I'll be here. She was just so soft and vulnerable. It seemed foolhardy to let her out of my sight, where anything could happen to her. And yet, the worst things that could happen to her would result from being with me. Deep down, I wished that she wasn't better off being away from me.
I bet you won't...not with Edward keeping an eye on you. "I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know."
"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that! You can sleep at home -- I'll never notice." The words were slurred slightly, the drugged stupor still not completely worn off.
"I was too nervous," she admitted sheepishly. "There's been some crime in the neighborhood, and I don't like being there alone." Her eyes darted to the newspaper next to the bed.
"Crime?" Bella asked, thunderstruck.
It was awful. The building was in ruins. Renée was picturing the remains of the ballet studio. "Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground -- there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?"
"I remember," her voice quivered slightly under - what I would expect to be �C bad memories.
She looks scared. Maybe I should stay here... "I can stay, baby, if you need me."
"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me."
Edward, again. That could also be a good reason to stay. "I'll be back tonight." I hope he heard that. She glanced at me again as she thought it.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to
lose you." I never realized her clumsiness would come to this though. Seriously �C a coma in the hospital.
I remembered Carlisle looking over Bella's X-ray at the hospital after the van nearly crushed her to death. She had many healed fractures. Trying to suppress laughter, I could stop the grin that spread across my face.
I wonder if that hot boy will be in the room. I heard the nurse's thoughts that checked on Bella yesterday. She came bustling in then to check all of the tubes and wires.
Renée watched the nurse for a minute. I better get going. I don't want to miss Phil's phone call. He'll be elated to hear that she is awake finally. She kissed Bella's forehead, patted her gauze-wrapped hand, and left.
The nurse was checking the paper readout on the heart monitor. Hum...I wonder if this is because of him. The nurse pictured my face. He makes my heart do funny things, too. Maybe she is just worried or nervous. I would be if I woke up from a coma, too. "Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."
After Renée left I opened my eyes, watching the nurse interact with Bella, pushing her thoughts from my mind.
"I'm fine," Bella assured the nurse.
I'm sure you are. I'd be fine too if he was at my bed side. "I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute."
The nurse turned on her heals and strode quickly out of the room.
It took me less than a second to move to her side, so quickly that she didn't see me move from point A to point B. Instead of her being surprised, her tiny eyebrows rose in humor.
"You stole a car?"
Duh, I wanted to say. Instead I just smiled.
"It was a good car, very fast," I refused to apologize; she didn't seem to mind.
It had to be fast, my only purpose was to get to her as quickly as I could...to save her life before James had the opportunity to take her away from me forever. I was too late, but just in time to barely reverse the effects of the venom that had rushed down her veins.
"How was your nap?" She smirked.
"Interesting."
My mind was wondering, remembering her plea to stay in Forks and her word crush. My eyes narrowed slightly and she noticed the change in my facial features.
"What?"
Honestly, I was happy with her response to stay in Forks, but disappointed all the same because now I had to find the courage to tell her to go, that she would be better off without me in her life. Was I brave enough? Was I that self sacrificing? By the look on her face she had already read too much into my face so I looked down.
"I'm surprised. I thought Florida ... and your mother...well; I thought that's what you would want."
The many nights I watched her sleep, as her worries and thoughts were spoken freely, let me know how much she truly cared for her mother. Also, when she talked about Renée it was if a parent were talking about a child. Was she just tired of the responsibility of her mother? That was uncharacteristic of her, so probably not the culprit to her reasoning to stay in Forks. The word crush rang through my mind again and so I couldn't be the reason, either.
When I finally looked up she was staring at me uncomprehendingly. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real vampire."
A real vampire? What am I, chopped liver? The humor quickly passed. It was time to convince her to go back home...to Florida.
"I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it," I explained." Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."
She stared at me with a blank expression, like she was having trouble processing my words. Was it the drugs? Maybe this conversation should wait until she was more aware and alert. I was just making excuses. Her lips turned down into an unfathomable expression as the monitor magnified her heart beats which were quickly increasing. The beeping nose and the pounding in her chest were reaching a dangerous point, going so fast I was nervous. Her breathing picked up along with her heart. Soon, she was gasping, hyperventilating. Her eyes began to water as her face contorted into a horrible grimace of pain. The soft lines of her face were suddenly sharp and defined. I didn't know what to do, what to say.
That beeping doesn't sound good. I better go check it out. A different nurse came marching into the room. Maybe she had a remedy that I didn't. She looked over the monitors to see that her regular heart beat, and the insane palpitations that were pulsing wildly through her, were not the same. Wow, she looks like she is in a lot of pain. Jeesh, what a tortured face. . "Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" she asked sweetly, tapping the IV feed.
"No, no," Bella choked out, the pain still clearly in her tone. "I don't need anything."
Of course, she didn't want to seem weak.
"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest." The nurse waited, but she just shook her head.
"Okay," she sighed. "Hit the call button when you're ready."
This better not be his fault or I'm going to kick him out of the room so she can get some rest. The nurse's stare bore into me, like she was trying to burn a hole through my skull before she glanced at the machinery like she was warning me she could hear it. She left the room. I'll be listening.
Ignoring the overly observant nurse I placed my hands on Bella's face to bring her attention back to our conversation. Her eyes were full of moisture, the look in them wild with unease and anxiety. Her heart was still bounding wildly ahead.
"Shhh, Bella, calm down." I tried to soothe her.
"Don't leave me," she begged me, her voice cracking with the pain. Her pupils dilated in terror as her lips trembled uncontrollably.
When she begged like this, how could I deny her anything? All my plans, all my thoughts...every second of deciding to leave her crumbled into little pieces.
"I won't," I promised. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."
Still, her heart continued to thunder along, not relaxing one bit to my words. Great, I was going to give her a heart attack. All my efforts to keep her alive and just the mere thought of my absence would send her over the edge. A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my mission here, the reason I leaned toward the glorious soul in front of me... What had been for one purpose before was now for another. To stay. To keep her alive. To prevent her heart from exploding with the pain that I was feeling too.
"Bella." I lightly brushed her face apprehensively. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me," I promised.
"Do you swear you won't leave me?" She whispered a small splutter of terror. She was gasping for air as her heart continued to beat out of control, her pulse continuing to reach a danger point.
Her reactions robbed me temporarily of breath. It was oddly disembodying trying to understand her fear, because it was me who couldn't live without her. It shouldn't be the other way around. Before the nurse decides to kick me out of the room I had to calm her down. I took her face between my hands. Her warmth crept up my body slowly as I brought my face only inches from hers before whispering to her, "I swear."
Her breath was filling the air between us. It was very appealing, but in this moment I was too worried about her heart and her breathing. Each second the rhythmic motion of her breath and her heart slowed. I refused to let go of her until she had calmed down. When the monitors had quieted I sighed in relief.
"Better?" I asked, surveying her face.
"Yes," she answered, her voice sounded guarded.
Under my breath I began muttering so low she wouldn't hear me. "Beautiful, insane, overly sensitive girl. What an overreaction." I shook my head.
"Why did you say that?" She whispered.
At first, I didn't know if she actually heard what I had muttered.
"Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?"
Again, insane. With increasing desperation I tried to explain to her that I did want her, that it would literally kill me if she went away.
"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational," I added sensibly. "And I have no problem with saving you, either -- if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger... that I'm the reason that you're here."
"Yes, you are the reason," she interjected with a frown. "The reason I'm here --alive."
I had less resolution than ever.
"Barely." I choked out. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move." I stared down at her like it would force her to mend.
"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience," her voice was slightly irritated.
Staring at her, I tried to read her eyes. Yes, I saved her in the past, but that had nothing to do with the present. She was still in this hospital bed because of me. The silence tautened and strained.
She finally spoke. "I was thinking of the others -- you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery." Her voice was like an angry drunken titter from all the drugs in her system.
The memories made me wince several times. The van, Port Angeles...my thoughts trailed off, not wanting to think of where she would be if I wasn't there to intercede on her behalf. Then I realized I had already made my decision. I wasn't going to let her leave. If she did I would follow her, even if she was unaware of it. No matter what, I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it. Luckily, I don't see how she would ever not need me to keep her safe. I suddenly found myself wishing that her clumsiness would never go away.
I looked at her gauze covered wrist, my original thoughts surfacing. "That's not the worst part, though," I continued, ignoring her previous words of comfort."Not seeing you there on the floor... crumpled and broken." The words caught in my throat. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain -- all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling... knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself," my voice tailed away feebly as the memory of her blood in my mouth, swirling sweetly down my throat, surfaced.
"But you didn't," she pointed out.
"I could have. So easily."
Her breath came a little quicker again. Panic was obvious in her eyes. Did she finally understand that she should fear me?
"Promise me," she whispered.
"What?"
"You know what." She gave me an insolent stare. I was wrong; she didn't fear me, just the opposite.
How can I promise to never leave when I know one day I will have to? Not now, though. I can't leave her now when she needs me. Still, I gazed uncertainly towards her, my eyes automatically tightening. A lurking doubt resurfaced in my mind. She's here because of me. This is my fault. If I stay �C this might happen again. I couldn't have that. I could feel the warmth of her pulse in the air and on my skin. Trying to master myself I realized that my time with her was ticking away. Hearing her voice - an extraordinary tonic, I might add - after the two days of complete and utter silence, settled my thoughts.
"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way... whether it kills you or not," my tone growing more forlorn with each word.
"Good." She stated firmly. "You told me how you stopped... now I want to know why," she demanded.
"Why?" I repeated warily, I hadn't recovered from the shock of the question.
"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."
Her words fell oddly upon my ears and were an unpleasant surprise. Words I didn't expect to hear come out of her mouth. Where did she learn this? In that precise moment it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Alice. A scathing noise escaped my lips as I thought about this. She was a bit sneakier than I realized. But telling Bella about vampire transformations was crossing the line. I couldn't suppress a shiver of loathing. I could feel my nostrils flaring as my lips grew tighter together. I didn't respond, not knowing if Alice really told her, or if it was another one of those legends she read about and was merely guessing how the conversion worked.
Bella broke the silence. "I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships, but it just seems logical... a man and woman have to be somewhat equal... as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."
It seems her knowledge is not as extensive as I first thought. Of course, in movies and books vampires had to bite their victims to turn them. It was easy for her to deduct these things. Instead of getting angry, I folded my arms on the side of her bed and rested my chin on my arms. Still, I will have to have a...talk...with Alice.
I thought about what Bella said though, about saving each other equally. She doesn't realize how much she has saved me, how she pulled me out of the deepest depression that even Jasper has ever seen. My whole family has fallen in love with Bella merely for what her presence has done for me.
"You have saved me," I said quietly, letting her in on my revelation.
"I can't always be Lois Lane," she insisted, ignoring me. "I want to be Superman, too."
Her statements still had me utterly bewildered. She wanted to be a vampire. Of all things in the world that she could ask for, she asks for the one thing I refuse to give. I was unsure of the best way to approach the subject. Bella, I might kill you in the process and you will burn for three days and beg for death before you finally turn into a vampire who never sleeps and is always aching to quench ones thirst. No, that is too much information.
"You don't know what you're asking." I stared at the edge of her pillowcase, afraid she might see my thoughts displayed across my face.
"I think I do."
"Bella, you don't know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure," I tried not to succumb to the rage I felt bubbling under my skin. Why was she pushing this subject?
"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"
"No, I don't wish that." I used to, but now I realize my fate included Bella, and I would have never met her without Carlisle's rash decision to turn me. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."
"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose," she admitted, not the least bit embarrassed.
No matter how much she pleaded with me, I would never take her soul. It wasn't up for debate.
"I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."
"Why not?" She croaked. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago... anyway, after that, it should be nothing."
I glared at her. A positively dangerous look crept across my face.
"And the pain?" I asked, curious.
She flinched, obviously remembering the fire that burned through her veins.
"That's my problem," she said coolly. "I can handle it."
Insane.
"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity."
"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."
Shock so huge it rooted me to the spot and roughly burst through me. Three days. This was something that could have only been told by another vampire. It wasn't Jasper, he respects other's wishes. Alice, on the other hand...the very nosy, annoying, short vampire that receives visions, has been pressing the 'turn Bella into a vampire' campaign for a while now. I wonder what vision she is seeing now. It must be flickering, I haven't decided how I am going to get even with her for telling Bella about this. Venom was thundering through my veins.
Enough was enough. I didn't want to flat out tell her no. I wanted her to want to be human. Maybe she needed reminders of why she should stay human.
"Charlie?" I asked curtly. "Renée?"
A blank silence greeted my words. She was opening and closing her mouth like words wouldn't form. I waited for her response, but obviously, she didn't have one. Did she finally reach her senses?
"Look, that's not an issue either," she finally muttered an obvious lie.
Apparently she hasn't reached her senses.
"Renée has always made the choices that work for her -- she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient; he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."
Was she missing the key words here? If she were to stay human she would have a life to live. If she were a vampire, on the other hand, her life would just become this limitless existence that I refused to make her be a part of.
"Exactly," I snapped. "And I won't end it for you." My careful composure was slipping.
"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"
Lame justification.
"You're going to recover," I reminded her.
She took a deep breath at my words, returning my stare. There was no compromise in her face, and I wasn't budging either.
"No," Bella said slowly. "I'm not."
Anger vanished, fear replaced it. Was something else wrong with her...like cancer? Was she not telling me something? No, her life couldn't be like one of those sad stories you read about. My forehead automatically creased with worry.
"Of course you are. You may have a scar or two..."
"You're wrong," she insisted. "I'm going to die."
No! She was not going to die, she was going to live. I would fight for her, keep her alive. A sense of hopelessness engulfed me. My mind was lost in a desperate speculation. Panic flared within me.
"Really, Bella." Anxiety broke through my voice. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two weeks at most."
She glared at me like I was an idiot. "I may not die now... but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."
Relief, glorious relief. I frowned at her as her words finally released the tension that built so suddenly. My fingers found my temples as I began to rub them, trying to soothe my troubled mind, closing my eyes.
"That's how it's supposed to happen. How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist -- and I shouldn't exist."
She snorted. I opened my eyes in surprise.
"That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."
She might have made a point if she used something besides the lottery as an example.
"I'm hardly a lottery prize," I growled, anger returning.
"That's right. You're much better," she pointed out.
I rolled my eyes and my lips grew tight. It doesn't matter what else she says, she's wasting her breath. To take her soul would be the last thing on earth I would do. She will stay human. Even if Alice tries to take a bite I will tackle and kill if I must. "Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it." Now stop, I added internally.
"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well," she warned me. "You're not the only vampire I know."
I will stop her by any means. "Alice wouldn't dare," I growled aloud.
"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" She guessed. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you... someday."
Dammit! I slipped up. Bella is just too perceptive. I'm going to have to be doubly careful what I say around her, choosing my words more carefully. It's just so hard in a heated argument.
"She's wrong," I barked angrily. "She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."
"You'll never catch me betting against Alice," she retorted.
We glared at each other for several long minutes. The regular intervals of the machines continued into our silence. Bella's heart was weirdly steady considering the heated discussion we just had. She was lying down but her chin till jutted out, her forehead was creased with thought and her lips pursed. My angry expression cleared at her beauty. It was heard to stay upset with such a glorious creature.
"So where does that leave us?" She wondered.
I chuckled darkly. "I believe it's called an impasse."
She sighed. "Ouch," she muttered.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
My eyes found the button for the nurse. I wanted to bring my original threat back into play if she didn't behave �C sedation.
"I'm fine," she lied, her pain was breaking through the pretense.
"I don't believe you," I said gently.
"I'm not going back to sleep," she argued, refusing to let anyone think she was weak.
"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you."
"So give in," she suggested.
"Nice try."
She wasn't behaving. Time for impulsive action. I reached for the button.
"No!" Her eyes saw my hand reach out.
I ignored her.
"Yes?" the speaker on the wall squawked.
"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I said calmly, ignoring her furious expression.
"I'll send in the nurse."
"I won't take it," she said vehemently.
Pills? Doubtful. I looked toward the sack of fluids hanging beside her bed.
"I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything," I smiled ruefully.
The thundering of her heart jumped up into a faster face. Looking into her deep eyes I read the irrational fear. She needs rest, and medication will make the pain go away so she can do just that. It isn't like there are going to be sticking her with needles. I sighed in frustration.
"Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."
"I'm not afraid of the needles," she cried out. "I'm afraid to close my eyes."
It was hard to be frustrated at her when she said those words. Jubilation doused my previous anger. I smiled. She was just worried that I wouldn't be here. Hadn't I made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere? Her thoughts were completely irrational. I took her face in between my hands so she had to look at me.
"I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."
She smiled back. "You're talking about forever, you know."
Then, I remembered her words to Renée.
"Oh, you'll get over it -- it's just a crush."
She shook her head in disbelief. "I was shocked when Renée swallowed that one. I know you know better."
One day she will outgrow me, though. My worst fear, yet I prayed she was right, that she would want me forever.
"That's the beautiful thing about being human," I whispered. "Things change."
Her eyes narrowed. "Don't hold your breath," she retorted.
I laughed. I could hold my breath forever if I had too, though I would never do it for something as stupid as wanting Bella to leave me. The nurse came into the room brandishing a syringe.
Get out of my way. "Excuse me," she said harshly to me.
I got up and crossed to the end of the small room, leaning against the wall. I folded
My arms and waited. Bella kept her eyes on me, still apprehensive. I met her gaze calmly.
"Here you go, honey." The nurse smiled as she injected the medicine into Bella's IV. "You'll feel better now."
"Thanks," Bella mumbled, unenthusiastic. It didn't take long. Bella's head already began to lull from side to side.
"That ought to do it," the nurse muttered as Bella's eyelids drooped.
The nurse promptly left the room, eyeing me suspiciously.
Even though she was obviously losing consciousness I rushed over to Bella to place my hands on her face, to hold her head still.
"Stay." Bella slurred.
"I will," I promised. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy..." I hesitated, not long enough for Bella to notice. "As long as it's what's best for you," I added to my statement.
"'S not the same thing," she mumbled more inarticulate words.
Watching her trying to beat off the medication was kind of...hilarious. I laughed.
"Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up."
A cheesy grin spread across her face as her eyes became small slits. '"Kay."
I continued to try and suppress laughter. I was very glad Emmett wasn't here, the jokes would never end. Looking down at my now drunken beauty, I brought my lips to her ear.
"I love you," I whispered.
"Me, too."
"I know," I laughed quietly at my joke, remembering her saying that when I finally sucked the venom out of her wrist and told her I loved her.
Again, I tried to suppress laughter as her head lulled sideways, her lips puckering at a funny angle, facing the opposite direction of my face. I shook my head and brought my lips to hers. "Thanks," she sighed.
"Anytime," I chuckled.
She went limp in the bed, but was still struggling to reach reality.
"Ed..war?" she tried to say my name, but it came out all wrong.
"Yes?" I smiled down at her.
"I'm betting on Alice," she mumbled, her words clearer this time.
My humor vanished, a frown replaced my smile. This argument was far from over, but no matter what, our deadlock would remain. I kissed her forehead and sat down next to her to hold her hand until she wakes again.
作者: 慕然回首 时间: 2016-8-18 11:41
Epilogue: Dream
The month after Bella's accident flew by. After Charlie had cooled down and quit blaming me for her 'accident' ¨C which he had every right to do since it was my fault ¨C things had been comparatively free of danger...besides the obvious danger that I always presented.
Regardless of our now quiet and semi-uneventful life, I was quite content. It had only become habit for me to stay in her room every night and each day absorb every word that came out of her mouth ¨C sarcastic or not.
Looking into the mirror I could see my dark eyes and deep blue circles under my eyes from where I hadn't hunted in a while. It was hard to take myself away from Bella for any period of time, so my hunting habits had become less gluttonous than usual. Before the prom, though I would hunt.
In the corner of my eye I caught the black bag with a post-it note with my name written on it. Alice had purchased for me a new tuxedo. Unzipping the bag, I grabbed the coat to examine it. It was made by some famous and outrageously expensive designer. But clothes, no matter what kind of an occasion, were her specialty and you just learned to not argue with her. Putting the black coat back into the closet and making sure all my accessories were there, I decided to give Charlie a call.
The phone rang a few times before I heard Charlie's gruff voice on the other end.
"Hello?"
"Good evening, Charlie. It's Edward," I said politely, using my smooth voice.
"Ah. Yes." He coughed and cleared his throat before whispering into the phone. "She's upstairs right now." He laughed lightly. "She has no clue."
I returned his laugh. She sure seemed a little slow about something so obvious. What could she possibly be thinking we were doing tonight? Surely she had noticed all the posters around school with today's date and the words PROM plastered all over every inch of the school building.
"Thanks, Charlie. I will be there in a few minutes."
"I'll make sure she's downstairs and ready," he chuckled under his breath, still whispering.
When I arrived outside of her house I could hear her complaining to Charlie.
"So, Bells, what do you have planned for the evening? Alice showed me the dress you are wearing tonight."
"I don't know, dad. Alice wouldn't tell me, and Edward wouldn't budge either. For all I know they could be taking me to the Grammy's," her voice was clearly irritated at the lack of information we had given her.
Honestly, I was probably enjoying this much more than I should be. Usually, she is the one unlocking my secrets and me giving her all the answers. But the past two weeks have been kind of fun, especially every time she gave me her pouty face, which was absolutely adorable and almost impossible to resist. I decided before hand that if she gave me that irresistible face, I would just kiss her pouty bottom lip.
"I don't know about that. I told him to keep it in a fifteen mile radius."
"Ugh!" Bella groaned. "Did he tell you?"
During their banter I had made it quickly up the sidewalk and was standing outside the door, thoroughly enjoying their conversation.
"Nope. Not even a hint," I heard him chuckle.
"This is so annoying," she huffed.
I knocked lightly on the door, which was quickly yanked open to a smiling Charlie.
Bella was sitting on the couch, her head placed on top of her hands - which were intertwined like she was praying - with a look of pure devastation on her face. I laughed.
"Are you going to tell me now?" Her chin jutted out.
I shook my head, chuckling.
She folded her arms. "Fine."
Stepping around Charlie, I brought Bella into a deep embracing hug, like I hadn't seen her in months. Her tiny arms wrapped around me fiercely and she smiled reluctantly.
"Alice is waiting for you," I kissed her forehead and let her fragrance tingle my throat pleasantly.
Alice had become the best friend to Bella that she always envisioned, minus the scarlet red eyes ¨C which I continually refused to give her, regardless of Bella and Alice's pleas. Though it pained me to see Bella's delicate leg casted on a daily basis, I knew that my sister was taking care of her during hours I wasn't allowed into the Swan house.
I shook my head to try and dispel thoughts of Alice, now, who is planning on entrapping Bella in her gym sized closet for hours today while I go out hunting with Jasper and Emmett. Her not-so-sneaky-way of telling Bella about the transformation process of how to become a vampire was her way of taking the strain of that kind of conversation off of myself by having Bella ask me. What she seemed to not be able to comprehend is that I didn't want to have that conversation, not just because I didn't want to bring it up, but because I never wanted to have that conversation in the first place.
"You take care of my girl," Charlie commanded. "Have fun at prom," he whispered so low Bella couldn't hear.
"Yes, sir."
Charlie shut the door behind us as I let Bella brace all of her weight on me and then helped her into the car.
After I dropped a scowling Bella off at my house, Emmett, Jasper and I went hunting. The trip was short lived and desperately needed. It had been almost two weeks, and I was thirstier than I thought. The warm blood of the elk soothed the ache, though it would never fully rid me of it.
"It's prom night..." Emmett chuckled on the way back home. "You know what that means?"
Oh, haha. Funny. Jasper laughed along with Emmett.
I frowned at them.
"Oh come on, Edward!" Emmett raised his hands in faux exasperation. "Did you get a hotel room or were you planning on doing it in the car?" Emmett guffawed stupidly for several minutes at his own joke.
"I'm not going to...have sex with her, Emmett." I said through clenched teeth.
"Well what do you do with her all those nights in her room?"
Jasper and Emmett were doubled over in laughter now.
"That's it!" I snapped. My foot slammed on the break and Emmett's head hit the roll bar on the jeep, putting a deep dent in it.
This time, I laughed.
"Dammit, Edward!" He screamed at me while Jasper continued to laugh insanely loud.
I looked in the rear view mirror. "You're next!" I warned Jasper.
He put his lips together in an attempt to stop his laughter, but couldn't hold it in any longer and his breath came whooshing out along with more cackling. Instead of getting even, I couldn't help myself and I joined in on the laughter while Emmett glared at me.
Rose is going to kick my ass for this.
"Yup," I replied and Emmett mock punched me in the arm.
The rest of the drive continued like this...Emmett making a sex joke, Jasper nodding in agreement and grinning widely at me in the rear view mirror while I swerved once making Jasper's head break through the hard top on the Jeep.
When we finally arrived back home, we found Rosalie scowling in the garage in her scarlet dress that fell flawlessly over her body. Emmett jumped out of the Jeep and whistled. He tried to give her a hug but she backed away.
"Ew! Take a shower and get changed. Bella is already ready," she sneered her name. I frowned at her but she just turned and got into her M3, her dress not covering an inch of her back. "I'll be waiting!" She shouted at Emmett who was already running up the stairs to their room.
When I finally walked inside and up to Alice's closet, I saw Bella. She was leaning against the wall behind Alice, her hair in intricate curls, her silk blue dress clinging just right onto her extravagant body and her free foot in delicate high heels with lace wrapping around her lower ankle. I literally had to put my tongue back in my mouth. She was stunning, though her facial expression was clearly not in league with her appearance. She had a deep scowl on her face and there was a tiny pucker between her eyebrows.
"Get dressed!" Alice demanded, though she was still wearing pants.
Kissing Bella lightly on the forehead I shot upstairs to the third floor to quickly take a shower and put on my tuxedo.
"By the way, you're late!" Alice yelled up the stairs. I'll take Bella downstairs. I'm going to get dressed and Jasper and I will meet you there.
By the time I was done, Alice and Jasper were gone and Bella was sitting on the couch downstairs talking with Esme. Rushing towards her, I pulled her up into my arms and brushed my hands lightly through her intricate curls.
"This is for you," I showed her a white lily which Alice had left on my dresser.
Blood rushed up her face, coloring it a delicious pink. The scent was spectacular.
"Thanks," she whispered.
"Here," I said while pinning it into her hair. "Now you're perfect."
Her blush turned an even darker shade of pink.
"You're not so bad yourself," her lips twitched up into a smile.
Wrapping my arm around her waist we proceeded to the door.
"Are you going to tell me where we are going now?" She looked sideways at me, anticipation obvious in her eyes.
"Not a chance," I grinned.
Her lips turned down as I helped her into my car. Carefully, I made sure that she was secure, including her dress, before I shut the door. Alice would kill me if I got her dress dirty before we even arrived at the school.
"At what point exactly are you going to tell me what's going on?" She asked tersely.
Really? Had she seriously not figure it out yet? I threw her a derisive smile.
"I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet."
She took in a deep breath and held it for several seconds before she spoke.
"I did mention that you looked very nice, didn't I?" She double-checked.
"Yes." My smile deepened.
Her musical heart began to pick up in pace. In anticipation or nervousness, I wasn't sure. She looked down at her attire and frowned.
"I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do," she complained.
My phone vibrated lightly before it rang. If it's Alice, I'm not answering. I put my hand into my inside jacket pocket, pulled out my phone and looked at the number. It was Bella's number. It was easy to tell who was calling me since Bella was sitting next to me. Curious as to what he was calling for, I answered.
"Hello, Charlie."
"Charlie?" Bella's frown became more prominent on her face.
"Um. Yeah." Charlie paused, obviously unsure of how to continue. "Tyler is here to pick Bella up for prom." He said the words slowly, delicately.
I could feel my eyes widen in disbelief.
"He says that Bella told him 'yes' when he asked her to go to prom."
A grin slowly crept up my face. It was about time that Tyler get the point that Bella is taken. That she is mine!
I laughed. "You're kidding!"
"No...definitely not," I could hear Charlie's voice cracking. He was trying not to laugh.
"What is it?" Bella demanded at the same time Tyler asked, "Who are you talking to?"
This was like a dream come true. It was bad enough that I had to hear every guys fantasy at school. It was time for payback.
"Why don't you let me talk to him?" I offered.
"Um. Okay, if you think that's best."
Charlie handed the phone over to Tyler.
"Who is it?" Tyler asked curiously.
"Just answer the phone, Tyler," Charlie demanded.
"Er...Hello?"
"Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen." I used my friendly voice, but it had an undercurrent of threat. "I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight."
"But...prom," he spluttered.
The undercurrent in my voice became prominent as I continued. "To be perfectly honest, she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I'm sorry about your evening."
"But..." he began, but I snapped my phone shut while I smiled widely at the thought of him standing there, dumbfounded.
When I took in a deep breath I caught a concentrated scent of Bella's blood and looked over at her immediately. Her face and neck were the same color as Rosalie's dress. Her eyes were beginning to water slightly in anger.
Oops, I hope I didn't upset her, that was not my intention. Of course, she would have handled it with more finesse than me. "Was that last part a bit too much? I didn't mean to offend you."
She gritted her teeth before staring at me in absolute and utter belligerence. "You're taking me to the prom!" She shouted.
She caught me completely off guard. So it wasn't because of my threatening voice towards Tyler, it was because of prom! Once I took in her angry expression I tried not to laugh at her vicious kitten-y face. My lips pressed together tightly and my eyes narrowed slightly in an effort not to show my humor.
"Don't be difficult, Bella."
She jerked her head to look out of the window as it sunk in.
"Why are you doing this to me?" Her voice acerbic.
I raised an eyebrow at her and pointed towards my James Bond tuxedo. "Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?"
The color in her cheeks only turned a darker shade of red as water spilled over her eye lashes and down her cheeks. She quickly wiped under her eyes and looked at her tear stained hand. After watching her reaction I couldn't figure out how the prom - of all the things for tears to be spilt over ¨C was bothering her so much. Prom, of course, wasn't on my list of tear worthy subjects. She didn't even have this reaction when she met up with James in Phoenix. Her reactions now were just completely absurd!
"This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?" I demanded in frustration.
"Because I'm mad!" She shouted.
"Bella," I sighed, turning my gaze on her.
"What?" she muttered, folding her arms irritably.
Okay, it was time to try the dazzling trick. "Humor me," I requested while gazing deeply into her eyes.
Her shoulders hunched forward in defeat after a few seconds. "Fine," her lower lip jutted out while staring back at me, possibly trying to glare, but the tears were making it hard to read them. "I'll go quietly. But you'll see. I'm way overdue for more bad luck. I'll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!"
She lifted her dress and pointed at her leg in horror.
"Hmmm." Her soft delicate skin was porcelain white and looked soft, warm and silky. "Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight," I teased.
"Alice is going to be there?"
Didn't Alice tell her? Didn't Bella see her?
"With Jasper, and Emmett... and Rosalie," I added.
Her eyebrows pulled together before she shook her head. I suppressed a sigh, longing to know what was going on in that head of hers.
Then, her lips pursed. "Is Charlie in on this?" She asked suspiciously.
"Of course." I grinned, and then chuckled. "Apparently Tyler wasn't, though."
Her teeth came together with an audible snap. It pleased me that his appearance at her house had a negative effect on her.
Finally, we pulled into the school parking lot, parking next to Rosalie's M3.
The sun was starting to set and the sky was turning a coppery color as the thin layer of clouds casted shadows down on the ground in odd angles turning the white fluff into red and orange. To the east the sky was showing some stars while turning purplish due to the setting sun. The sunset was beautiful, but when I got out to offer my help to Bella, the sunset was suddenly insignificant in comparison. I held out of hand and she tightened her folded arms and humpfed stubbornly. Her chin was jutting out with a superior smugness in her expression. I would have just picked her up but there were too many people in the parking lot.
I sighed. "When someone wants to kill you, you're brave as a lion -- and then when someone mentions dancing..." I muttered while shaking my head.
Her expression changed to fear instantly and she gulped.
"Bella, I won't let anything hurt you," I paused, "-- not even yourself. I won't let go of you once, I promise."
The fear washed away as quickly as it had placed itself on her glorious face. I was relieved at once.
"There, now," I said gently, "it won't be so bad."
Without effort I reached out pulled her to my chest, wrapping my arm around her waist and holding her hand in the other. Her warmth wrapped around my body as we walked towards the school. I held her firmly in my grasp, letting her place all her weight on me if necessary. Our progress was slow, but tonight there were no expectations and we were in no hurry.
Fork's High School prom was in their gym and as we entered Bella fully took in the decorations of balloon arches, pastel crepe paper and twisted garlands that were covering every inch of the walls. Her whimsical giggle shocked me. After all her anger, fear and constant pouting and shouting she was...smiling.
"This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," she snickered.
Relief washed over me and I joined in with her humor.
"Well," I whispered as we approached the ticket table, "there are more than enough vampires present."
She looked over the ladies shoulder at the ticket area. On the dance floor, Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice were floating fluidly around the enclosed circle of admirers as they danced gracefully around in their evening gowns.
That family makes me sick, look at how perfect they move.
My date probably thinks I'm ugly compared to these women.
Man I'd like to...
I shoved everyone's thoughts from my mind so I could focus on Bella. Looking down at her, she looked up at me with a look of conspiracy in her thoughts.
"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?" She whispered.
My brow raised. "And where do you fit into that scheme?"
"Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course," she collaborated.
Though I was happy she was in better spirits, I was afraid that this conversation would turn into a 'let's turn Bella into a vampire' argument. Trying to read her face, I smiled reluctantly. "Anything to get out of dancing," I assumed.
"Anything." She smiled.
After purchasing the tickets I began pulling her to the dance floor. She literally dragged her feet. Pursing my lips, I stared down at her.
"I've got all night," I informed her, not in the least bit worried that she wouldn't fold.
Finally, her stubbornness subsided and we moved onto the dance floor next to my family. This was my first time going to the prom, though my siblings went every chance they got. Alice loved to dress up and so did Rosalie, mainly because of the stares and compliments she received.
Bella stiffened at my side and I looked down at her.
"Edward." She croaked. "I honestly can't dance!" Panic was obvious in her tone.
I sighed in exasperation. "Don't worry, silly," I whispered in her ear. "I can."
Gently, I pulled her close to my chest, her feet leaving the ground before I placed them over mine, and wrapped her arms around my neck. Without effort we twirled around the dance floor with my family and even though I tried to dispel all thoughts, the boys in the audience were also crooning over Bella. I felt smug with pride.
"I feel like I'm five years old," she giggled after several minutes of us waltzing.
Her hair was blowing around lightly with the slight breeze we were making with our dancing and her cheeks were flushed the perfect pink. "You don't look five," I breathed in her ear, hugging her closer to my body.
I'm a genius! I mean, just look at that dress on her. Alice thought as she watched us twirl around. Bella caught her eye and smiled back at Alice's grin. I think she might actually be enjoying herself...
Before Alice finished her thought another thought burst into my head. He was arguing with himself. As I twirled around to see who it was, I realized it was Jacob Black.
I can't believe I'm about to do this. Seriously ¨C he's here with her, what does my dad expect me to do? Go up to her and tell her to leave him right here on the dance floor... but my car, I really want my car up and running. Stupid master cylinder.
"Okay, this isn't half bad," Bella admitted to me, but I was too busy glaring towards the doors where Jacob was leaning.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Jacob chanted over and over in his head. Why did she have to be here? Argh! He hesitated on the dance floor. Master cylinder, he reminded himself. ...just remember driving around in your car, his lips twitched up. ...maybe Bella in the passenger seat. The mental image was enough to make him move closer to our dancing forms.
Bella and I continued to spin without effort on the dance floor, but my eyes never left Jacob for more than a fraction of a second. My possessive side started to creep up as I watched him walked towards us.
Bella noticed my distraction. "What is it?" she looked at me curiously.
I didn't answer. She looked over her shoulder and then continued to try and focus her eyes through our continuous gyrate. Jacob continued to move towards us. His face displayed his thoughts of distress and discomfort.
Come on, Jacob. Pull yourself together! He frantically tried to calm himself. He's not actually a vampire.
He was wrong about that.
Just do it. Ask if you can cut in. I can just relay the message from dad. Jacob looked at Bella. Wow! She is positively the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. He blinked to clear his eyes, trying to get a better visual on her. Man, this is going to suck. I'm sorry, oh man I am so sorry, Bella.
A snarl came burning up my throat, but I was able to stifle most of the noise.
"Behave!" Bella hissed at me in reproach.
Behave? I wanted to argue but he was only two feet away.
Just cut in and get it over with. This is so embarrassing. Jacob's eyebrows pulled together in concentration. 'Hey, Bella. Just break up with your boyfriend...please.' He shook his head. This isn't going to be good.
Anger boiled under my cold skin. "He wants to chat with you." The severity of my thoughts was obvious in my voice.
You made it this far. Just ask. Jacob was now standing next to us.
I stopped our dancing, trying to...behave.
"Hey, Bella," Jacob addressed her, completely ignoring me. "I was hoping you would be here." Jacob lied as he smiled brightly at Bella.
"Hi, Jacob." Bella beamed back. "What's up?"
Why did she have to return his smile? She never greeted other males so warmly. What was so special about this...Jacob Black? She was just being polite. That was all.
"Can I cut in?" he asked hesitantly, swiveling towards me.
I gritted my teeth. Behave...behave...behave, I chanted over and over in my head in Bella's delicate voice. This planned conversation was angering me and now he was asking me to break my promise to Bella.
Refusing to let Jacob see my growing irritation, I kept my face absent of emotion. I knew if I were to open my mouth words not appropriate to say in front of a lady would spill out. So, instead, I just carefully placed her back on her feet and took a step backwards, my teeth still clenched tight enough to crush diamonds.
"Thanks," Jacob said pleasantly. That was easier than I imagined.
Taking a steadying breath, I nodded once and turned to walk away. Moving through the crowd I positioned myself so I could see and hear their exchange.
Venom filled my mouth when Jacob put his hands on her waist. Jealousy ripped at me when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Without thinking, I was pushing my way back through the crowd. I was irate.
"Emmett," Alice nodded towards me. "Stop him."
He's just a kid, Edward, she reminded me.
Before I reached them, strong arms were binding me to the spot. Emmett chuckled. "Tisk tisk, bro. Here? In this crowd? Can't you pick another time to rip his arms off?"
He let go when I froze.
"I'd like to do that now," I glanced quickly towards Alice's twirling form.
You were about to do something really stupid. Trust me on that. Alice explained.
A hard laugh came from my left. "Not a chance." Emmett smirked. "Now calm down. What would Bella think?" He looked at me in mock horror.
I looked away.
It was so odd to feel this infuriated over something as small as a dance. His hands were gripping her on her waist. I wanted to grip him around his throat. I wanted him so far away from her that the wish was a strong flavor on my tongue. I was automatically sorting through the range of tortures I would bring upon him.
"Jeez, Edward. Calm down," Emmett muttered, his hand on my shoulder ¨C restraining me. My face in his mind was showing nothing but a murderous glare.
I settled on eavesdropping. Emmett leaned against the wall beside me.
"Wow, Jake, how tall are you now?" Bella looked up at Jacobs towering frame.
I growled and Emmett patted my shoulder in understanding. I deal with this kind of stuff all the time, he thought to himself. What's the big deal?
"Six-two." Jacob's thoughts were smug. In the past months he had grown several inches in height, something he was very proud of.
I watched as they swayed on the spot, not really dancing due to Bella's casted foot.
"So, how did you end up here tonight?" she questioned, but her tone was absent of curiosity, like she already knew.
Just tell her, just get it over with. He swallowed hard. If I blame it on my dad, she can't really get mad at me, can she? He frowned."Can you believe my dad paid me twenty bucks to come to your prom?" He confessed. That was easy enough, now the hard part.
"Yes, I can," Bella muttered. "Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, at least. Seen anything you like?" she nodded to a group of girls lined up against the wall, waiting and willing for their knight and shining armor.
Her hint to him sent me a little bit of relief. He was just a friend. Nothing more.
"Yeah," he sighed. You! "But she's taken."
He glanced down at Bella's face.
Bella looked away, blush rising in her porcelain cheeks.
Dammit! She knows I meant her. You idiot!
"You look really pretty, by the way," he added apprehensively. Oh crap! Did that just come out of my mouth? How embarrassing. He hung his head slightly.
Pretty? She is much more than that! Angelic, maybe. Exquisite, yes. But pretty? Idiot.
"Um, thanks." Bella's forehead creased. "So why did Billy pay you to come here?"
It didn't go without notice, her lack of compliments back to him. Jacob noticed, I noticed...
"Burn!" Emmett bellowed.
Emmett noticed. I had almost forgotten he was standing beside me; I was so intent on listening into their conversation.
Forget it. I can't do this. Jacob argued in his mind. Master cylinder...master cylinder, he chanted over and over.
The look of discomfort on his face pleased me.
Get it over with... he grimaced.
"He said it was a 'safe' place to talk to you. I swear the old man is losing his mind."
His humorless chuckle was joined with a weak laugh from Bella.
"Is he going to say what I think he's going to say?" Emmett guffawed loudly.
I nodded.
"No way!" he continued to chuckle. "Human's are so hilarious! You sure know how to pick the good ones," Emmett chuckled in amusement.
"Anyway," Jacob continued. "He said that if I told you something, he would get me that master cylinder I need," he confessed with a sheepish grin. Master cylinder...you can do this. Master cylinder.
"Tell me, then. I want you to get your car finished." Bella grinned back.
There was a faint irritation close by. A young girl, only fifteen, screaming her fantasies at me through her thoughts, my name and face intertwined with them. Only if she knew what it would mean for my lips to be that close to her skin. It wouldn't be a kiss she would receive.
I pushed her thoughts from me. I had no time to deal with it.
Here goes nothing. Jacob exhaled heavily. Just set it up so you are in the clear. This isn't your fault...you were sent by your insane father. She'll understand. ...right?
"Don't get mad, okay?" Jacob stared down at Bella intently.
"There's no way I'll be mad at you, Jacob," she encouraged him. "I won't even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to."
I didn't deserve to have someone like Bella. She was forgiving, sweet and kind. She had even forgiven me for nearly taking her life.
Danger magnet.
"Well -- this is so stupid, I'm sorry, Bella --" just spit it out "-- he wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you 'please.'" Jacob shook his head back and forth.
I can't believe I just said that.
A burst of laughter came from Emmett. "He said it. I can't believe he actually said it."
"Pay up!" Jasper held out his hand. ...and I wasn't even here when the wolves were around. He grinned.
I hadn't even noticed that he was there until right now, let alone hear them making bet's over the conversation. I tuned out Jasper and Emmett's exchange.
"He's still superstitious, eh?" Bella pulled me back into the conversation. Her brush off was surely just pity. She was kind. That was all.
That's it? She's not going to get mad...or hit me? What a relief!
"Yeah. He was... kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix. He didn't believe..." He believed you were attacked by Edward, he finished in thought.
Finally, I saw the first signs of Bella's irritation as her eyes narrowed. "I fell," she infused with a little bit of steel in her voice.
She's mad. Oh crap.
"I know that," Jacob said quickly.
"He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt," Bella said tersely, stating it as a fact, not a question.
Bad idea...really, really bad idea. Master cylinder? What?
They stopped swaying; Jacob's eyes looking away, Bella's eyes alight with fury. It was surprisingly strange to see her be protective over me. It was...nice, even though her anger was quite comical.
"Look, Jacob," Bella began. "I know Billy probably won't believe this, but just so you know" -- Jacob looked up, his thoughts scattering wildly trying to find a way to patch up their little tiff -- "Edward really did save my life. If it weren't for Edward and his father, I'd be dead."
She forgot to add that if it weren't for us, we wouldn't have had to save her in the first place.
"I know," Jacob claimed. I tried to tell him...I'm an idiot for letting him convince me to do this.
"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob," Bella apologized. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"
Forgiveness was her virtue. There was no other meaning behind her words. I don't even think she knows how to hold a grudge.
"Yeah," he muttered.
Maybe you could just leave off the last part, he thought. I mean, she got the gist of what he wanted her to know. ...right?
He frowned.
"There's more?" Bella asked in disbelief, reading his face.
Jacob's mouth twisted down further. Why did she have to be so perceptive?
"Forget it," he mumbled, "I'll get a job and save the money myself." ...bye, bye, master cylinder, his thoughts were chagrined.
Bella's cheeks turned red again, but this time in pure anger and not embarrassment.
"Just spit it out, Jacob," she hissed.
"It's so bad." He grimaced.
"I don't care. Tell me," she insisted.
I can't believe she is going to make me say this.
"Okay... but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that -- and this is his plural, not mine" -- he lifted one hand and made little quotations marks in the air -- '"We'll be watching.'"
Please don't scream.
He cringed in anticipation.
I growled at Billy's words.
Bella's response took us both off guard. She stared at him for a second and then laughed loudly.
"Sorry you had to do this, Jake." she continued to snicker.
"I don't mind that much."
Shew. He breathed a sigh of relief. Now that that is over with... He grinned. ...maybe I could enjoy a dance with her. His eyes roamed over her body appreciatively. I really like how her dress falls just right on her body. She has amazing curves.
Emmett grabbed my arm when he saw Jacob's eyes undressing Bella. I leaned against the wall again, angry I had to stand through this torture.
"So," Jacob smiled. "Should I tell him you said to butt the hell out?" he asked hopefully. It would serve him right, mad old man!
"No," she exhaled. "Tell him I said thanks. I know he means well."
Gradually the song dissipated and morphed into another song. Bella instantly dropped her arms. It pleased me to see that she didn't want to continue their awkward dance. Jacob, on the other hand, was thoroughly displeased.
I made my way through the crowd.
But...I... His hands hesitated on her waist and his gaze turned toward her casted leg. Well, I can't just leave her here like this, he told himself.
"Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?" he asked uncertainly.
"That's all right, Jacob. I'll take it from here." I glared at him.
Gah! Jacob jumped slightly, and stared wide-eyed at me in surprise.
"Hey, I didn't see you there," he mumbled. "I guess I'll see you around, Bella." He stepped back, waving halfheartedly.
...bad timing.
Bella grinned at him. "Yeah, I'll see you later."
She was just being courteous. It was only in her nature.
"Sorry," he said again before he turned for the door. ...what a freak.
As the next song's melody began weaving its way through the crowd I pulled Bella back into my arms. She instantly warmed my body. The music was awful, so I played my own tune in my head, dancing to it instead.
Bella's eyes roamed over my face happily before she leaned her head against my chest. I tightened my arms around her and she sighed, content.
"Feeling better?" she teased.
"Not really," I said through my teeth.
"Don't be mad at Billy," she sighed, her hot breath seeping through my clothes, down to my skin. "He just worries about me for Charlie's sake. It's nothing personal."
She had it all wrong.
"I'm not mad at Billy," I revised in a curt voice. "But his son is irritating me."
Her head left my chest then. Our eyes met and the intensity of her gaze gave me the impression she was trying to read my mind.
"Why?" Her eyes grew tight in suspicion.
"First of all, he made me break my promise."
Her eyebrows crunched up in confusion. The look of perplexity made my lips twitch up.
"I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight." I explained.
"Oh. Well, I forgive you."
"Thanks. But there's something else." I frowned. "He called you pretty," my previous anger began bubbling to the surface. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."
She giggled. "You might be a little biased."
"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight."
I lifted her up, bringing her close to my chest. We continued our dancing. Her hair moved slightly with our breeze. Waves of freesia floated in the air around us.
"So are you going to explain the reason for all of this?"
What did she mean by that? Her eyes lifted to the crepe paper and her lips pursed. I understood. I decided it was time to move our conversation to a less populated place. Twirling the opposite direction we spun gracefully through the crowd toward the back door.
I wish Mike could dance like that... Jessica waved at Bella as we flew by, her eyes green with jealousy. Where are they going? Bella smiled at her. Angela was in Ben Cheney's arms, enjoying my gift to her. She deserved happiness.
Finally, we were away from all the stares and eavesdroppers. The sun was beginning to dissipate below the horizon, the sky a brilliant color of pink and orange.
Her elegant features were glowing in the coppery color of the sun. Without effort I swept her off her feet. There was a bench under two madrone trees and I walked over and sat down, Bella's delicate arms wrapped around my neck. I held her closer, never wanting this moment to end.
It doesn't have to end. We could have each other for eternity. I banished that thought immediately. The moon was already up, visible through the gauzy clouds. I looked up, wishing the sun wouldn't fade to night.
"The point?" Bella prompted softly.
"Twilight, again," I whispered. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."
"Some things don't have to end," she muttered through her teeth.
I sighed. I knew what she was thinking...what she wanted. But I couldn't give it to her. It was best to just ignore her train of thought.
"I brought you to the prom," I said slowly, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."
She trembled slightly before she shook her head angrily. "In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this."
My lips curved into a half-smile at her kittenish anger. "It wasn't so bad, you said so yourself."
"That's because I was with you."
I gazed absently back up at the moon. Prom...it was the only formal occasion that I could think of this evening. Did she think we were leaving the city? I was curious now.
"Will you tell me something?" I asked, glancing down at her in amusement.
"Don't I always?"
"Just promise you'll tell me," I insisted, grinning.
"Fine." She was suspicious.
"You seemed honestly surprised when you figured out that I was taking you here," I began.
"I was," she interjected.
"Exactly," I agreed. "But you must have had some other theory... I'm curious -- what did you think I was dressing you up for?"
Her lips pursed, a slight pucker forming between her brows. "I don't want to tell you."
"You promised," I reminded her.
"I know."
"What's the problem?" This should be good. Her cheeks were red, the blush filling the air with her silky aroma.
"I think it will make you mad -- or sad."
Her words held some meaning, yet I couldn't grasp it. My eyebrows pulled together as I speculated the subtlety of her words. It was moments like these I wished I could read her mind.
"I still want to know. Please?"
She sighed. I waited expectantly for her answer.
"Well... I assumed it was some kind of... occasion. But I didn't think it would be some trite human thing... prom!" she sneered.
The meaning was slowly surfacing.
"Human?" I asked flatly.
Suddenly, her blush deepened to a scarlet red and she looked down, her fingers lightly tugging a piece of chiffon.
I waited in silence. She would tell me, I just had to be patient.
"Okay," her shoulders slumped as her breath rushed out. "So I was hoping that you might have changed your mind... that you were going to change me, after all."
The mingled fury and alarm was present on my face. We had this conversation already. I wasn't going to change her. I refused.
First, I was furious. Absolutely irate that she would even think I would take her soul. What did she think me capable of? Second, her blood, beyond delicious, would never be a strong enough siren call to make me...change her. What if I tried and I wasn't able to stop? What if I did change her and she forever hated me? Isabella Swan, forever stalking the night for all time, never aging, never changing... soulless. Many emotions filled my head and ran down my veins.
Her words replayed in my mind. I assumed it would be some kind of...occasion. Was she joking? She had to be, she couldn't be serious.
"You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?" I teased, touching the lapel of my James Bond tux in amusement.
She frowned. "I don't know how these things work. To me, at least, it seems more rational than prom does."
Yes. I wanted to say. Because what you wear will really matter when you're burning. I continued to grin at her, despite the image in my head. "It's not funny," her frown deepened.
"No, you're right, it's not," I agreed, my smile fading. "I'd rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you're serious."
"But I am serious."
I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I let out a deep sigh. Could this really be what she wanted? "I know. And you're really that willing?"
She bit her delicate lip and nodded.
"So ready for this to be the end," I muttered to myself, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."
"It's not the end, it's the beginning," she disagreed in a whisper of her warm breath.
"I'm not worth it," I said sadly.
"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."
"I know what I am." I stated. A monster.
She sighed.
A course of action had just occurred to me.
"You're ready now, then?" I asked, my eyes probing hers.
"Um." she gulped. "Yes?" It was a question.
I smiled at my plan before moving my lips over her soft skin. I breathed softly at the corner of her jaw, letting the flavor burn down my throat.
"Right now?" I whispered, moving my lips down her neck. She trembled under my touch. I wanted to bring our lips together fiercely, but I resisted.
"Yes," she whispered.
Her breathing began to pick up, her heart pounding out a jagged rhythm. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed her hands balled up into tight fists. She showed all the signs of distress, yet she didn't move.
I chuckled darkly, and leaned away. I was disappointed by her actions. She didn't take any action for self preservation. I was her guardian vampire, though. My protection included keeping her human.
"You can't really believe that I would give in so easily," I said with a sour edge to my mocking tone. It was with great effort that I didn't yell at her for making it so easy.
"A girl can dream."
What! I screamed in my head. My eyebrows rose. "Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?"
"Not exactly," her lips turned down. "Mostly I dream about being with you forever." There was a sad ache in her voice.
Instantly I understood. Our dreams, per say, were the same. All I wanted was to be with her forever, but for her to wish for this soulless existence to be with me was absurd. It shouldn't be allowed. In that moment I was decided. Leaving wasn't an option. I needed her, and she needed me, too. All previous thoughts of leaving her to her human life, her future, disappeared, like someone popped a balloon.
"Bella." My fingers lightly traced the shape of her lips. "I will stay with you -- isn't that enough?"
She smiled gently under my fingertips. "Enough for now."
I frowned. For now, I scoffed. She was determined, but I wasn't going to concede to her wishes. I exhaled a low thundery growl.
She touched my face. "Look," she breathed. "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"
Me, too.
"Yes, it is enough," I answered, smiling. "Enough for forever."
I leaned down to press my cold lips once more to her throat.
The End.
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